BREAKING NEWS - APRIL 2006
April 28, 2006
REVIEW: Akeelah and the Bee
"I have to tip my hat to any movie that manages to create legitimate tension during Spelling Bee scenes.
Whenever Akeelah would slowly work her way through a difficult
word during the competition, the audience sat in stone cold silence. As
Akeelah finished the word, sighs of relief were heard
throughout the theater. I often found myself spelling along with the contestants. Quick note - it's best not
to do this out loud."
Johnny Betts reviews Akeelah and the Bee, starring
Keke Palmer, Angela Bassett, and Laurence Fishburne. Will you be surprised at my reaction?
REVIEW: Hard Candy
"Hard Candy refuses to send you prancing home with a smile on
your face or a song in your heart, but if nothing else it serves as a strong warning that you should probably
pay close attention to who your kids are communicating with online. At least warn them that sometimes the
person they least suspect could be the one to be most wary of."
Johnny Betts reviews Hard Candy, starring Ellen Page and
Patrick Wilson. Be warned - it's a little disturbing to watch at times.
Also Opening this Week
RV - A comedy starring Robin Williams driving his dysfunctional family on a road
trip to the Rockies in an RV? I recommend you do like I did and just say NO. N-O. I refused to even see this
for free this week. I can't handle Robin's manic comedic style and would probably choose a slow, painful
death to riding on a cross-country trip with that spaz.
Stick It - Stick it, huh? Well, that's exactly what I would tell the studio
expecting me to pay money to sit through this. They didn't have a free screening of this in Memphis, and after
watching the trailer I can understand why. It's one of those gymnastics movies that uses stupid lines like,
"This isn't gymNICEstics," that could be so bad it's entertaining, but I wouldn't recommend spending theater
bucks to find out.
United 93 - A real time account of the events on United Flight 93, one of the
planes hijacked on 9/11 that crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania when passengers foiled the terrorist plot.
I really want to see this one, but I just wasn't able to make it to the Monday morning screening.
However, a trusted source has told me that it's very good and everybody needs to see it. It's not exploitative,
just a celebration of the heroic American spirit. Any concerns you have about this film's supposed
controversy should be put to rest by the fact that all the family members of the victims on the plane support
the film.
Josh Brolin in Yet Another High Profile Movie Role!
Man, Brolin is just taking over Hollywood! On the heels of high profile roles in The Dead Girl and
the Quentin Tarantino/ Robert Rodriguez collaboration Grind House, he has scored a leading role in the
Coens Brothers' No Country for Old Men, starring alongside Tommy Lee Jones!
The movie is an adaptation of the highly-acclaimed Cormac Mccarthy novel by the same name. Josh will play a
former Vietnam Vet (it's set in 1980) who, while hunting, comes across several dead men, a bunch of heroin,
and $2.4 million in cash.
He soon finds himself on the run from an ex-Special Forces agent and a psychopathic assassin who are both
after the money and Josh's life.
I know this sounds too good to be true, but it's legit! Filming begins in May with a 2007 release date in
mind.
I'm gonna pick up the book from the library this weekend and will keep everybody updated on what looks to
be Josh's big break.
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April 27, 2006
Mothers Against Stupid Theater-Going
Here's an
interesting article brought to my attention by Guylian on the
Movie Mark Message Boards. It's a cause I can certainly support.
Just a note to all you selfish parents out there who don't mind submitting your small children to movies they have
no business watching - think of somebody else other than yourself for once. Can't find a babysitter? Stay at home
and spend quality time with your children.
Coming Tomorrow...
Along with previewing the movies opening this week, I'll review two of them (Akeelah and the Bee and
Hard Candy). Now, for something totally not related to movies...
Adventures in Pasta Cooking
As a male, I don't try to run from the fact that my gender is not born with a natural inclination for cooking.
We're just not. It's certainly something that can be developed over time, but only about 1.7% of us (a
statistic I made up) have any real desire to learn this art. From a young age we grow accustomed to having our
warm meals provided by our loving moms. Granted, we sometimes question the "loving" adjective in between
vitriolic threats about what will happen to us if we don't finish our broccoli.
Unfortunately for mama, the six meals she slaves over per week usually are overshadowed by the one time daddy
slaps some meat on the grill and calls himself cooking. "Wow dad, this wasn't horrible! It's amazing how good
you can cook considering your lack of experience!" However, when mama makes one mistake, when she cooks one
bad meal (salmon patties, anybody?) she gets raked over the mesquite coals.
Most guys grow up with this understanding, and it's a ridicule we want to avoid. The more we attempt to cook,
i.e. the more we try to go against our God-given nature; the more we're bound to screw up. The more we open
ourselves to disappointing the one(s) we're cooking for. Well, plus we're just lazy.
Anyway, the most frightening scene a man faces after a hard day at work is an empty house. This is even worse
when it's accompanied by an empty stove and/or an empty oven. This happened to me on Monday when Stephanie
stayed at work later than I. "Oh no," I thought. "I'm gonna have to call her and most likely will now be
responsible for dinner."
"Johnny, that's just pathetic." You ain't kiddin'. I'm a guy. We're pathetic beings. You'll get no argument
from me in that regard.
So I called Stephanie and sure enough, the first thing she asked was, "Can you fix the pasta? It's in the
refrigerator." Now yes, I am a guy, but I think I could've been trusted to look in the refrigerator for
cheese-filled pasta pockets.
I'm one of those analytical guys who often likes to focus on the task at hand. While I'm busy trying to
find the pasta amidst various half-filled Tupperware bowls and items that looked like lab experiments but were
most likely food products that needed to be thrown out, Stephanie proceeds with a litany of instructions that
to me sounded like:
"Nowgetapotandputwaterinitandthenputitonthestoveonhighandthengetthesaucefromthepantry..."
I had to stop her and remind her of the fact that I'm a guy. When cooking is involved I'm gonna have to take it
one step at a time.
But I listened intently to Stephanie's instructions, hanging on every word as if I were at a Josh Brolin poetry
reading, and I finally managed two monumental tasks:
1) I had pasta boiling in some water
2) I had pasta sauce simmering in a pan
Somebody call New Orleans and tell them to evacuate Emeril Lagasse, there's a new chef in town!
One thing that was confusing to me was that the pasta was only supposed to boil for about 5 minutes, but the
longer it boiled, the softer it got. So I called Stephanie and told her that I didn't think it was cooking
right.
"It's been boiling for about 8 minutes now, but I don't know if it's ready. It seems a little gooey," I
explained. "What do you mean by 'gooey'," she asked. "Well, it just keeps getting softer." In what can only
be described as responding while trying to stifle laughter she said, "That's what happens to pasta when you cook
it. It gets softer."
I ask you, how are we guys supposed to know such a thing? The natural tendency for just about every other food
item on earth is to get harder when cooked. It's not fair for certain foods to come along and change the
rules!
Stephanie told me to taste one of the pasta pockets and use that as a judge. I must say that it wasn't bad, so
I figured it was done. Despite cooking the pasta a couple of minutes too long, I will take a second to brag on the
fact that I perfectly nailed the simmering of the already-made pasta sauce. It reached what can only be described
as a warm-but-not-too-hot nirvana. You bet I undeservedly patted myself on the back.
When Stephanie got home and finally had a chance to try out my little pasta dish, she oohed and ahhed over it as
if she were praising a little child who just completed his ABCs for the first time. I'll admit that I raised the
roof and danced the running man a bit to excess, but I understand that I didn't exactly achieve a great
accomplishment here. I do appreciate Stephanie's encouragement, but spending 30 minutes to do something so
simple and burning your finger and freaking out during the process has a way of making a man feel
inadequate.
There are things a man should take pride in. Managing to boil pasta pockets, heat up some sauce, and then
combine the two isn't one (or is it three???) of them.
The moral of the story? Perhaps cooking, like laundry, isn't the unbeatable beast that we guys perceive it to
be. Perhaps all it takes is a little effort and common sense. Perhaps we can even have a little fun and take
pride in what we can concoct if we're just willing to follow a recipe or two and slave over a hot stove for an
hour or so. Perhaps all you guys reading this will stand up and accept the challenge to give it a shot and
find out how rewarding it truly can be.
Or perhaps Wendy's $1 Jr. Bacon Double Cheeseburger isn't a bad option after all.
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April 26, 2006
Chronicles of Narnia Sweepstakes
The Chronicles of Narnia is kicking all sorts of rumpage
in DVD sales (it sold 4 million DVD units on April 4th alone), and Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media have
decided to celebrate by offering a sweepstakes for fans of the film.
One Grand Prize winner will receive a one of a kind replica of the Narnia Wardrobe, and 50 First Prize winners
will receive a Narnia Gift set that includes Pete's Sword Letter Opener, a Narnia One Sheet Reproduction poster,
a Narnia Original Soundtrack, and a Narnia Battle of Beruna Deluxe action figure pack.
Enter at www.narniasweeps.com for your chance to win.
Bravo Andy Garcia
Despite the fact that he's looking way too much like Jon Lovitz these days, Andy Garcia has earned my respect.
He's actually dared to make a film that paints Che Guevara and Fidel Castro in a negative light. According
to IMDb, Garcia's film The Lost City has even been banned in parts of South America because of its
less-than-flattering portrayal of Guevara. But the Cuban-born Garcia doesn't care.
"There have been festivals that wouldn't show it," Garcia says, "That will continue to happen from people who
don't want to see the image of Che be tarnished and from people who support the Castro regime. He still has
a lot of supporters out there. Some people think Castro is a savior, that he looks out for the kids and the
poor. It's a bunch of hogwash. In the 45 years since Castro came to power, Cuba has been in the top three
countries for human rights abuses for 43 of those years. People turn a blind eye to his atrocities."
Let's all take a moment and give Garcia a standing ovation. I think The Lost City is especially
important in light of what looks to be an upcoming whitewash job of Guevara's life by Steven Soderbergh.
Obviously, I don't know exactly how Soderbergh's Guerilla will portray Guevara, but considering
the plot summary refers to the movie as, "An epic about Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara, who fought for
the people," it looks like it's not going the accurate route.
Fought for the people? Yeah, the people he forced to agree with him and Castro. I want to send a message to
all you mush-brained (don't take offense, this means your mind can still be molded) kids who walk around wearing
your stupid little Che Guevara t-shirts thinking you're so cool - you're not. You have no idea who Guevara
is or what he stood for. Somebody's just sold you on the lie that he was some sort of rock 'n roll
revolutionary who fought for justice for all. Don't believe it.
Guevara was a murdering Communist who was fueled by hatred and killed those who didn't agree with him, and he took
joy in pulling the trigger himself. Women? Children? The victims didn't matter to him.
I love what writer Anthony Daniels said in regard to the ridiculous icon status Che has received, "It is as if
someone were to make a film about Adolf Hitler by portraying him as a vegetarian who loved animals and was
against unemployment. This would be true, but ... rather beside the point."
Thank you, Andy Garcia, for being a truly brave soul in choosing to tell the truth and make a film that might not
sit well with your Hollywood peers.
Johnny Betts a Folk Singer?
So about that dream I mentioned yesterday ... I was in a movie and in the scene I was in a field, wearing some
sort of 1930s-esque fedora, and I was just sitting there playing an acoustic guitar, strummin' a haunting little
melody. Then I sang the following lyrics:
Pocket of clover
Blue skies turnin' gray
Another old wool coat
Another moment with nothin' to say
Then I woke up. I've never owned a fedora, and while I once taught myself how to play three guitar chords (that's
all ya need for rock 'n roll, right?) I'm not exactly a guitar player. I wonder what it all means? Most likely
nothing, but I'm copyrighting this scene. If you ever hear those lyrics or see that scene somewhere else then let
me know immediately so I can kickstart the lawsuit.
Coming Tomorrow...
I'm saving my cooking story for tomorrow. I've also got a reader submitted horror story and one other thing to
share with you. Stay tuned.
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April 25, 2006
On DVD This Week
"Don't expect a movie anywhere near the level of something like Braveheart or you'll walk away
disappointed. It's more along the lines of Kingdom of
Heaven with more romance and less boredom. Of the two, I enjoyed
Tristan & Isolde more. Of course, a lot of that
has to do with the fact that James Franco is a much better, much more compelling actor than Orlando 'Chicken
Lips' Bloom. Plus, his hair is cooler."
Mixing romance for the ladies and a little epic swordfighting for the guys,
Tristan & Isolde is certainly worthy of a rental.
At least in my opinion, which I modestly consider to be quite accurate. The special
features really aren't anything to email mama about: Commentary by a couple of producers and the
screenwriter, a making of featurette, some stupid image galleries, and a music video (??), so I'd strongly
suggest renting before purchasing.
"Unfortunately, Aeon Flux's mediocrity falls somewhere between
the levels set by Catwoman and
Elektra, and it'll simply be known as another action/superhero
movie that couldn't be saved merely because it boasts a sexy lead."
Making my Worst of 2005 list because of the sheer level of disappointment
it caused, Aeon Flux was a chore to sit through at the theater.
However, if you need a "Charlize Theron in tight outfits" fix then you may be able to make it through the DVD in
15 to 20-minute increments.
It has what looks to be a decent amount of special features (commentaries, five
featurettes), but I have absolutely no interest in going into detail. No amount of extras would make this
worthy of more than just a rental.
Also on DVD: Casanova. I recommend
that you PASS-anova this one when you see it on the shelf, bwahahaha!
A New Movie MARQ (Mildly Amusing and/or Retarded Questions)
Today's question comes from Joey P:
"Exactly what were you charged with when they took that mugshot (seen to the right) you are now using in your
reviews?"
Good question. The official police report said, and I quote, "For being so darn hilarious." Seriously, I
think that picture was taking after sitting through Date Movie.
A whirlwind of angry and disgusted emotions were surging through me, and the camera captured that perfectly.
I'll probably change the picture soon. Ms. Cali warned me that it would probably scare people away from
sending me ridicule-worthy hate mail for fear that I'd hunt them down and beat them up. Apparently she was right;
I haven't received a single negative email since using the picture. Strangely, I've gotten emails from people I
don't even know "double checking" to make sure they don't owe me any money.
Maybe in my next picture I can incorporate my super cool "I'm Your Huckleberry" Doc Holliday shirt.
Send me your questions!
Coming Tomorrow...
An exciting tale regarding my adventures in cooking, a strange dream in which I was a folk singer in a movie,
news on how you can win some Narnia prizes, and maybe more if I can think of anything worthy of your
time. Please don't count on that.
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April 24, 2006
A Nation of Technology-Dependent Pansies
About a month ago it made national news that June Entman, a University of Memphis law professor, had banned
laptops from her classroom because she felt they were a distraction. Rather than attempting to transcribe
every single word coming from her mouth, she wanted students to think about and analyze what she was saying.
These adult students took this in stride and handled the issue maturely, right? Nope. Obviously having
nothing better to do than find something to complain about, the students began collecting signatures
and tried to file a complaint with the American Bar Association. Thankfully, the ABA dismissed the
complaint.
One crybaby (oops, I mean student) Cory W. cried (oops, I mean complained) to USA Today, "If we continue
without laptops, I'm out of here. I'm gone; I won't be able to keep up."
Uh-huh. You know how I'd respond to that? "Well, Cory, here are the necessary transfer papers. Good luck at
whichever school you choose to attend. Maybe they'll offer a program where professors can spoon-feed you breakfast
and/or lunch while taking notes."
Is this where we're at? Law students threatening to transfer schools if they can't use a laptop to take notes?
You know what the real issue is, don't you? They're just upset that they can't surf the Internet or play Solitaire
while in class. I majored in Electrical Engineering and minored in math in college, two subjects which I dare
say are bigger beasts to conquer than law school (no offense Amy C.), and I never once used a laptop to take
notes.
There were also a few times when I wasn't allowed to use a calculator (shock, gasp, the terror!) on a test.
You didn't see me starting up a petition and marching in Washington over it. These are people who are smart
enough to get into law school. Shouldn't they have the capability to take hand-written notes? "I'm sorry
your honor, I need to use my laptop to look something up on the Internet real quick because I'm not prepared
to answer that question." "You can't do that." "I'M FILING A PETITION!" Have fun being a public
defender.
It's the professor's class, so I say she has the right to ban laptops if she wants to. I imagine the constant
pittering of keyboards can be a little annoying and distracting. What's next? Do we transfer this to theaters?
I already have to deal with annoying cell phone users at the movies since they can't live without taking calls
for two hours.
What if it's easier for me, as a movie reviewer, to take notes on a laptop? Plus, the light from the laptop will
make it easier to take notes in a darkened theater. Or what if I see somebody familiar on screen and can't think
of what other movie I recently saw him in? A laptop with Internet access would be very helpful because I could
quickly look up the actor, satisfy my curiosity, and get back to enjoying the movie. Who cares if everybody
else is distracted? Apparently it's all about eliminating every possible slight inconvenience. I think I'll
start up a petition.
Does anybody think a petition to stamp out stupidity might work?
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April 21, 2006
REVIEW: Silent Hill
"As a fan of all four of the Silent Hill video games, I am
here to unashamedly say that I enjoyed this film adaptation. The atmosphere and feel of the games are exactly
how I imagined they should look on the big screen, and the unearthly creatures have an added creepiness now
that they have a 'real-life' manifestation. As I sat back and absorbed the impressive scenery and
cinematography, I couldn't help but be pleased with the comfortable, yet uneasy, familiarity."
Johnny Betts reviews Silent Hill, starring Radha Mitchell
and Sean Bean.
That's all the energy I can muster for today, folks. Have a great weekend and take my advice - avoid
American Dreamz. A few of you ignored me when I told
you how horrible Date Movie was, and you went and saw it
anyway. But you were big enough to admit you should've listened to me. Well, I'm telling you now - listen.
Don't make the same mistake twice.
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April 20, 2006
REVIEW: American Dreamz
"If you want political satire that is actually smart, clever, and funny then I recommend
Thank You for Smoking instead. The only thing
American Dreamz is going to stimulate is a violent
tendency to punch someone in anger after realizing the time and money you just wasted is gone forever. I,
being so tender hearted, am merely trying to prevent that."
Johnny Betts reviews the painfully unfunny American Dreamz,
starring Hugh Grant, Mandy Moore, and Dennis Quaid.
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April 19, 2006
Casting News: Comanche Moon
Well, it was bad enough that I had to sit through the absolutely wretched American Dreamz (review coming
tomorrow) last night, but now my heart has sunk a little more after receiving news of the casting for Larry
McMurtry's Comanche Moon. Moon is the second prequel in McMurtry's Lonesome Dove
series.
The original Lonesome Dove is one of the greatest Westerns of all time, and the fact that its tremendous
cast is not in any of the sequels or prequels makes the other installments inevitable disappointments. James
Garner replacing Tommy Lee Jones as Woodrow Call? Johnny Lee Miller playing a young Woodrow? Um, no.
Moon is the only book not yet made into a miniseries. I was somewhat excited
when it was announced a few months ago that it was finally being brought to the small screen, however, a big
part of me was hesitant to get too giddy because I knew its success would rely heavily on casting. Well, now
that we have news in that area I can say that unfortunately I'm not bursting with joy.
Naturally, I was secretly hoping Josh Brolin would get the role of Woodrow Call. If you saw him as Jedediah
Smith in Spielberg's Into the West then you know he'd be perfect as a young version of Tommy Lee Jones'
Call. Granted, he didn't audition for the role since he's too busy with his rising big screen career, but I had
hope. Now I have to sit back and see if Karl Urban can do the job.
He hasn't been painfully bad in anything I've seen him in, but Karl as a young Woodrow Call? I don't know
about that. And Steve Zahn playing Augustus McCrae, a character made inimitable by Robert Duvall? Don't get
me wrong, I like Zahn well enough, but I fear he's a little too goofy for the role of Gus. Gus indeed has a
lazy and carefree, jovial side, but he was still a feared Texas Ranger who hunted down dangerous outlaws.
Can Zahn be convincingly tough when he needs to be? We'll see.
I think the worst bit of casting is Ryan Merriman as a young Jake Spoon (originally portrayed by Robert Urich).
It's a role that James Franco would've been perfect for, and from what I've seen from Merriman
(Final Destination 3) he just comes off as another
generic pretty boy lacking a unique personality. If Comanche Moon was being made for the WB then he
may be perfect, but I was hoping they'd be shooting for something a little higher.
I'm also less than enthusiastic about 98-year-old Graham Greene being cast as the ruthless, deadly Comanche chief
Buffalo Hump. I understand that there's a gentleman's contract that exists in Hollywood that demands Greene
be cast in any Western that needs an Indian, but he's just a little too old and wide in girth to present the
intimidating presence that Buffalo Hump was in the books.
I liked Eric Schweig's portrayal of Buffalo Hump in 1996's Dead Man's Walk and don't understand why they
didn't just keep him in the role.
Oh well. At least Elizabeth Banks as Maggie, Woodrow's love interest, looks like a solid choice.
I hope I'm wrong and that everyone fits their roles perfectly. But I've read all the books and have images in
my mind of who should play these roles, and this cast just doesn't match up with those images. I'll give them
the chance to prove me wrong, and I'll be more than happy to admit it if they do.
That's all for today. I'm still a little sad about the nearly two hours I wasted yesterday with Dennis Quaid's
latest failed attempt at humor. Don't worry; I'll vent my frustrations in the review.
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April 18, 2006
Tom Cruise: Always Entertaining
I hate the steady influx of reality shows almost as much as Richard Simmons hates the thought of touching a
woman or K-Fed hates the thought of bathing. But I would definitely watch a reality show featuring Tom
Cruise. Just follow him around with a camera all day and let the pint-sized one do his thing. Can you imagine
how entertaining that freak show would be?
News of Tom's most recent bit of strangeness comes from
"The Mirror"
in the UK (thanks for the link, Guy). In regard to the upcoming birth of his alien child it reports Cruise as saying,
"I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta
right there."
Sure thing, freako. I've heard about mothers doing that before, and I have to say, that just sounds disgusting.
But the way Tom Cruise said it makes it downright disturbing. When questioned further, Cruise responded with
three clicks and a grunt and then started gnawing on the reporter's arm.
Prayers ARE Answered
Annoying child actor Frankie Muniz said in a recent interview with ABC News Radio that he is giving up acting to
pursue his dream of being a racecar driver. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS. As his show Malcolm in the
Middle nears the end of its run, Muniz acts like this is a personal decision wherein he is choosing to
follow another dream.
Yeah right. Muniz knows that puberty hit him harder than any child actor since Fred Savage and that no one is
beating down Hollywood's door, begging for another Agent Cody Banks installment, so he's at least
smart enough to have already prepared an excuse for why he'll never get any other high profile acting gigs.
I predict we'll see him matched up against Screech in Celebrity Boxing 3. Can't wait.
Speaking of Screech, did y'all know that Dustin Diamond made a video called Dustin Diamond Teaches
Chess? Who on earth thought there was a market for that? Oh well, I don't want the kid to starve or
anything, so hopefully the four copies sold bought him lunch for a week.
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April 17, 2006
The Movie MARQs
Allow me to introduce to you a new section here at the Movie Mark. Pretty much every site that's any site has
a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) page where the site answers questions that are, by definition, frequently
asked. Most of the time these are questions that the website owner asks himself on a daily basis (why are you
the coolest person ever?) and then they claim it's frequently asked so as to make all seven of their readers
think they are the squirrel's cheeks (my variation of "the bee's knees").
I present to you the Movie MARQs (Mildly Amusing and/or Retarded Questions). I encourage you to
email me your questions. They can relate to movies,
TV, Hollywood, actors, this site, me, or life in general. They can be serious and hard-hitting, or they can
be of a sillier nature. This will allow me to impart my wisdom and advice by answering questions that are
most likely on nobody's mind except the person asking the question. Let's start off with a couple...
Q: Shouldn't the acronym be MAaoRQ?
A: Shouldn't you be working rather than wasting company time? Sure, that acronym
would work fine if "Mark" were spelled "Maaork," but it's not. Most acronyms leave out the initials of
inconsequential letters, so I'm well within the normal boundaries of acronym acceptability.
Q: If Basic Intinct 2 is released in the theaters and nobody goes to see it
(which is indeed what happened), does it still suck?
A: The suck-factor has nothing to do with how many (or in this case, how few) people
see it; it has everything to do with who's starring in it. Does it still star Sharon Stone? Yeah, that's what
I thought. Therefore, the answer is "yes."
Got something you want answered "Johnny Betts style"? Send
it along.
Johnny Rains on Your Movie Parade
Yet another new section here at the Movie Mark! Here I will attempt to question long-accepted mores (for
those of you in Frayser this is pronounced mor-ays) and beliefs held by Hollywood. To be more specific, I
will question some of the actors, quotes, and movies that Hollywood has fooled everybody into thinking are the
greatest of all-time. If you want me to get even more specific, I'll usually be attacking the lists that the
American Film Institute's 90-year-old members slap together.
These might be issues that you've accepted and agreed with. Well, it's time for your ways to be
challenged.
This weekend I watched, for the first time ever (thanks Mona!), Jack Nicholson's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest. I was shocked (shocked, I tell ya!) to see that Nurse Ratched ranks as #5 in the AFI's top 100
Villains list.
Que? All I saw was a woman trying to do her job, and an unenviable one at that. Sure, she may have seemed
slightly cold at times, but you try working with crazy people all day, every day and see how you're doing after a
few years.
McMurphy (Nicholson) had a tendency to intentionally act like a complete jerk, and it was obvious that all he
wanted to do was stir up trouble. I thought Nurse Ratched did a good job of remaining calm and collected under
such circumstances, and she seemed to honestly want to help these people.
I did a little research and found out that in the book that the movie is based on, McMurphy is said to have
raped a 17-year-old. Welp, there goes any and all sympathy for him. Why paint the guy as a hero?
I definitely think Ratched could've better handled the situation at the end with Brad Dourif, but I certainly
can't blame her for being a bit peeved when she returns to work and it looks like a tornado swept through the
hospital and she finds one of the patients in bed with a prostitute.
Nurse Ratched the number 5 movie villain of all time? More villainous than child-killer Freddy Krueger, The
Alien, Dracula, Cruella De Vil, the Joker, and a number of mobsters and gangsters? I don't think so.
I'll be honest, if I worked at such a psychiatric hospital and McMurphy had tried some of his crap on me then I
would've given him a strong dose of Southern Fried medicine (my $90 biker boots would've been involved). Nurse
Ratched deserves to be applauded for handling a tough job that none of us would want despite some child
rapist coming along and trying to cause problems.
Of course, this is just my opinion; the AFI could be (and is) wrong.
Differing opinions are welcome.
Johnny Debunks Famous Clichés and Sayings
Yes, a THIRD new section, and I think this is pretty self-explanatory.
The Misleading Saying: There are no stupid questions.
Johnny's Assessment: What stupid person came up with this quote as a way of excusing
his obviously stupid questions? Of course there are stupid questions! Here's an example:
"Hey Johnny, don't you think John Goodman would look great in a speedo?"
Does anyone dare claim that's not a stupid question? This is just a clichéd saying that is typically used
by teachers to encourage kids to ask questions. It sure backfired on my 7th grade science teacher shortly
after he used this rhetoric. We were studying the solar system at the time and after being encouraged by
this "no stupid question" nonsense, class clown Greg asked, "Mr. LeMay, how big is Uranus?"
A stone-faced and unamused Mr. LeMay replied, "Meet me after class."
Johnny's Reworked Quote: As long as there are stupid people there will always be
stupid questions.
If you'd like to discuss any of this or ask you own questions then
send me an email or head over to
the Movie Mark Message Board and join in on the fun
there.
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April 14, 2006
REVIEW: Scary Movie 4
"Scary Movie 4 is certainly better than
Date Movie, but so are the Christmas videos my dad insists on
recording every year, so that's no feather to place in any hat. The problem is that with David Zucker at the
helm, the man who gave us Naked Gun and Airplane!, I expected much more."
Johnny Betts reviews Scary Movie 4, starring Anna Faris, Craig
Bierko, and Leslie Nielsen.
Next week's Silent Hill is what I'm really looking forward to. I love the video game series and have
high hopes for his one. Here's to hoping that it doesn't disappoint.
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April 13, 2006
On DVD This Week
All right, what's the deal? Fun with Dick and Jane
was released in theaters the week of Christmas, and now the DVD is released the week of Easter? Could
this be Jim Carrey's subtle way of letting us all know just how big his ego is? I guarantee you no other
movie website has made this connection, but here at the Movie Mark I'm dedicated to unearthing such useless
and trivial info.
I'm not accomplishing much else, so I must embrace mediocrity with zeal! Hey, it seems to work in Hollywood,
might as well try it here.
Anywho, in my always correct opinion, Fun with Dick and
Jane warrants a rental if you're a fan of Jim Carrey and/or Judd Apatow. It's not on par with either
one's best work, but it's entertaining enough. Apatow is going to be hard-pressed to match the quality of
his two best - Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared - but it'll be fun to sit back and watch him
try.
Special Features: Filmmakers Audio Commentary with Director Dean Parisot and
Screenwriters Judd Apatow and Nicholas Stoller; Deleted Scenes; Publicity Junket Comedy Outtakes; Gag
Reel.
Apparently there are also optional French and English subtitles. Do your best to contain your
excitement.
Wolf Creek is the heart-warming tale of three backpackers who are, I would intuitively assume, backpacking in the
Australian Outback when, surprise surprise, some psycho starts slicing and dicing. I'm sure grandma will love
it.
Since I haven't seen the movie yet I can't really give a recommendation on whether or not it's worth your
rental dollars. The studio was supposed to send me a screener copy to review, but I've seen neither hide
nor hair of that thing. Granted, DVDs don't have hide or hair, but you get the point. Perhaps I shouldn't
have asked the studio how much they thought I could get for the screener on Ebay.
My friend Australian Ann has seen it though (for those of you in Frayser, TN - she's in Australia), and she
was impressed with the setting, "The best thing about the movie was the setting. In the outback, there is
nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. No water, no people, vast nothingness. That really built the fear."
However, it seems the movie as a whole was a little too disturbing for her taste, "I suddenly decided that
this movie isn't something people need to see and doesn't really add anything worthwhile to this world we
live in ... However, if you like serial killer movies and want an edge-of-the-seat, gruesome thriller, then
you will probably enjoy it. Based on overheard comments after the movie - most people did."
Special Features: Commentary by director/writer Greg McLean, executive producer
Matt Hearn and actors Cassandra Magrath and Kestie Morassi; "Making of Wolf Creek" featurette; Deleted
scene.
It's said to be based on true events. Which means that at one point in time there were three backpackers in
the Australian Outback.
Coming Tomorrow
My hilarious review of Scary Movie 4.
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April 12, 2006
News of the Hollyweird
- So, did y'all hear the one about Britney Spears' and Kevin
Federline's (K-Fed) child falling out of a high chair? It's a heart-warming story. On April 7th the
white trash couple started to get concerned because their child was reportedly sleeping more than usual.
K-Fed didn't feel like hauling the trailer down to the doctor's office so he chalked it up to the baby taking
after his father. However, rumor has it that Britney had to be the one to insist that they get things
checked out.
So K-Fed threw on an unwashed wife-beater, Britney slipped into her house shoes, and they rushed to the
hospital. There was cause for concern, you see, because SIX DAYS PREVIOUS the child had fallen out of his
high chair. Six days. "Hey honey, the kid just fell on his head out of the high chair, should we get it
looked at?" "Nah, let's wait about a week. I'm in my own 'high chair' right now, if ya know what I'm
sayin'."
Welp, it turns out that the child had a minor skull fracture and a blood clot. Understandably, the
Los Angeles Department Of Children And Family Services (DCFS) was called in to investigate the incident.
They were especially alarmed by K-Fed's jovial manner throughout the whole ordeal. When asked why he seemed
so happy the wig replied, "Are you kidding? My baby hittin' his head is the closest thing I've been to a hit
in my life!"
I don't have any details, but the DCFS didn't seem to find anything too alarming and have closed their
investigation into the welfare of the child. A relieved K-Fed asked, "Does this mean I still get my
welfare check?"
- Tom Cruise has a Summer blockbuster coming out (the sure to suck Mission
Impossible III) so you know what that means, right? More overexposure from the stubby-legged one. Once
again on his own mission impossible to convince the world that he is our lord and savior, Cruise has informed
GQ magazine that he knows how to get people to kick their drug habits. According to IMDb, he can "get someone
off heroin in three days through Scientology's detox programs."
Ironically, Johnny Betts claims he can get Tom Cruise off Scientology through the Movie Mark's
kick-your-buttox programs.
- Gwyneth Paltrow and her bathing-phobic husband Chris Martin
have named their baby boy Moses, assuring the child of daily beatings throughout his educational career.
- And finally, I have to do something that I never thought would happen - give Ryan
Seacrest props right here on the front page of the Movie Mark. Last night on American Idol the contestants
were required to sing Queen songs. After Bucky Covington gravel-voiced his way through Fat Bottomed
Girls he attempted to explain how Freddie Mercury, a queen in his own right, was a hard act to follow.
Displaying a keen ability for bad word choice, Bucky said, "Freddie Mercury's not the kind of guy you want to
jump up behind."
Seacrest calmly deadpanned, "You can say that again."
I was in the process of drinking a glass of milk, washing down my tasty key lime pie, and I literally did
a spit-take. I hurriedly put the glass down so as not to risk showering Stephanie or the furniture with a
little 2 percent. Kudos, Ryan. It was probably the funniest thing I heard the entire day.
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April 11, 2006
RETRO REVIEW: History of the World: Part I
"So, what exactly is supposed to be funny about this?" Stephanie asked, stone-faced, about 20 minutes into
Mel Brooks' History of the World: Part 1. I, equally unamused, sheepishly replied, "Well, I remember
it being a whole lot funnier when I was 12 years old. I think it gets better about halfway through." "I would
hope so," replied Stephanie, "I'm gonna go brush my teeth."
It's funny how time changes perspective. I loved History of the World when I was younger. I'd go over
to my friend's house (he had cable, we didn't) and we'd watch the movie and howl with laughter. Of course,
my mom would have had a heart attack had she known I was watching such racy material. And after watching it
recently I realize that I probably didn't get many of the jokes back then. But I've sure had rose-colored
memories of that movie for the past 15-20 years.
Every now and then my friends and I will relive the good ol' days and recall what we remember being hilarious
moments from the movie - the revelation that the reason Moses' arms were raised when he parted the Red Sea
was because he was being mugged, Jesus announcing that somebody would betray him and then Mel Brooks shouting
Judas' name to ask if he wants another drink, the King using peasants as target practice ... there was something
about a handful of memorable moments that really left me thinking this movie was the bee's knees, as a 1920s
vaudeville actor might say.
But the current, laugh-absent viewing has burned away those good memories. As I sat there watching the movie
I'd recognize an upcoming scene and would smile and think, "Ah, I remember this!" Then after the scene was
over I was left with a bitter taste and a sour stomach, thinking, "Huh. That wasn't as funny as I remembered
it."
Do you recall the Spanish Inquisition (What a show!) scene? Little Johnny laughed so hard he'd cry, but now?
I chuckled a little, but after about minute 28 of this one skit being dragged out longer than Joan Rivers'
saggin' boobies, I started to wonder why I was so impressed even at such a young age.
And don't get me started about the long, drawn-out scene in Rome where Mel Brooks portrays a stand-up
philosopher named Comicus. Yeah. That's hilarious. I failed to laugh once at the stand-up routine he
was performing for Caesar. I suppose jokes of an "I just flew to Rome and boy are my arms tired" nature
don't have quite the same appeal as they did when I was too young and innocent to realize just how unfunny
that kind of stuff is.
This was the scene where Stephanie called it quits. By the time Dom DeLuise was having problems with his
flatulence I was completely embarrassed that I'd been telling Stephanie how hilarious this movie was and how
she needed to watch it. Thanks a lot, Mel Brooks. Now I have a few trust issues I have to deal with.
The movie still warranted a few minor smiles, but that's about it. Much like the majority of newspaper article
titles, about 90% of the movie relies on fairly lame puns. A couple of 'em work, but I'm pretty sure I've seen
most of them in my 11-year-old brother's "Joke-A-Day" book.
If you look back on this movie with fondness then I recommend that you just be content with those memories
and leave them be. I highly doubt many of you will re-watch it and think, "Yep, just as funny as I remembered
it." Believe me; I was extremely disappointed at what a letdown it was. And I'm a little saddened that those
good memories are gone. I can't look back on those moist-eyed days of my youth the same way again.
Thanks to History of the World I now have to work extra hard to convince Stephanie that Blazing
Saddles is as funny as I remember it. Granted, I haven't seen it in quite a while. But surely that's
one movie whose fond memories will hold strong after a current viewing. Right? I'll be watching, nervously,
hoping I don't burn yet another bridge to my joyful, care-free past.
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April 10, 2006
Give Me Something to Believe In
You readers know that my goal is to educate and entertain. I'm not here to lecture or sermonize, and that's
why I do my best to avoid trudging through the murky waters of politics or harping on issues of religion here
at the Movie Mark. However, sometimes events happen that threaten our way of life. Events that need to be
addressed before we head down a road that will allow us no u-turns.
I'm sitting here at my desk, lighter raised triumphantly in the air, listening to the radio speak.
The voice coming through my cheap old Lloyd's speakers is that of the monster of the metal ballad -
Poison. Give me something to believe in, indeed.
Have you ever just sat there, listening to a song, and become so entranced that you're totally lost in the
truth of that song for three minutes? It's a good life, folks, but Poison is right - every rose has its thorn.
Every night has its dawn. And every cowboy truly does sing a sad, sad song. Just like Brett "Modern Day Poet"
Michael, sometimes I have tried all night not to break down and cry. But as the tears rolled down my face, I
felt so cold and empty - like a lost soul out of place. Moments like these force you to look for help, to cry
out for mercy.
"What's wrong Johnny? Did you receive bad news regarding a family member?"
No. I looked at this weekend's box office numbers. The Benchwarmers made over $20 million. I'm
guessing the majority of the audience consisted of high schoolers, and this makes me fear the direction our
younger generation is headed.
I suppose I can't judge too harshly. After all, there was a time when I'd go see Van Damme
movies multiple times at the theater (shut up) and wanted nothing more in life than to one day achieve the super
cool three-day beard growth that he was sportin' in Hard Target. But that doesn't mean I'm not
concerned. We can only hope and pray that they, like ol' Johnny here, are just going through a phase
they'll grow out of.
Somebody once said that there are no atheists in fox holes. Well, I contend that there are no atheists at
Rob Schneider movies. If you're brave enough to willingly dispose of your hard-earned money in order to sit
through Schneider's latest then you'll most likely think you stepped into a church service thanks to all the
prayers being offered up.
Reports tell me that the two most common prayers heard during recent viewings of the movie are: "My God, my God,
why hast thou forsaken me?" and "Please Lord, let it end." Preparation for Easter? Or merely an attempt at
understanding and a cry for mercy? Others outside the theater were said to be offering prayers of thanks for
possessing the wisdom to spend their money on something more worthwhile.
Who knew Schneider might be the cause of a spiritual revival?
Now I don't really know whether we should credit Brett or the DJ for saying love's a game of easy come and easy
go, but I do know that there's nothing we can do now about The Benchwarmers. The damage has been done.
Like Brett's knife, it cuts you, and yes, that wound heals. But you know the scar? Well, I'm afraid that scar
remains.
The only thing left to do is to move forward and pray for a sign of hope. I have my doubts that we'll get
that sign from Hollywood in the near future, but we need something to believe in, right?
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April 7, 2006
REVIEW: Take the Lead
"I have to admit that Take the Lead really isn't all that
unbearable. You should still definitely put up a fight and let your gal know that she's forcing you to go see
it (you'll need the leverage sometime in the future), but there are certainly worse films she could drag you
to. After all, Stick It is coming soon and it looks no less painful than an unhindered 90 MPH baseball
straight to the groin."
Johnny Betts reviews Take the Lead, starring Antonio
Banderas.
REVIEW: Lucky Number Slevin
"As much as I enjoyed the quirky characters, what really won me over is the movie's slightly complex and
somewhat unpredictable plot. Following the nonlinear storytelling of Lock Stock-era Ritchie,
Slevin sets up the basic premise and then the
audience watches as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. You may be able to figure out where everything
is headed by the halfway point, but it's still fun to watch how it gets there."
Johnny Betts reviews Lucky Number Slevin, starring
Josh Hartnett, Ben Kingsley, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and Lucy Liu.
DUAL REVIEW: Thank You for Smoking
Johnny: "I know what you're thinking: 'Hey! Is this one of those propaganda pieces
that does nothing but preach against the evils of tobacco?' No, actually, it isn't. Sure, it has some fun at
the expense of Eckhart's tobacco lobbyist character, but reporters, Hollywood, and hypocritical politicians
with their own agendas all get a little lampooning as well. It's a film that never really narrows its target
on one group. And why should it when it can have more fun lambasting all sides?"
Ms. Cali: "One of the most memorable aspects of the movie is Rob Lowe's character.
As a sleazy Hollywood agent with a thing for Asian decor, Lowe is the funniest thing about
Thank You. If the rest of the review doesn't
convince you to run out and see this movie immediately, let me just say one more thing: Rob Lowe in a kimono.
It's classic comedy people!"
Johnny Betts and Ms. Cali have once again joined forces to do a dual review of Aaron Eckhart's smart and
sharply-written political satire Thank You for
Smoking.
Ms. Cali reports that Mr. Cali said she should go see Inside Man
so that we can do a "Spike Lee Joint ... Review." Good stuff.
Still to come ... my review of Take the Lead.
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April 6, 2006
The Story of Life
Some of you know that Stephanie and I made the three-hour trek to Nashville yesterday to catch yet another
Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers show. If you haven't given these guys a listen then you seriously need to
improve your musical taste. I recommend starting off with Americano or the Refreshments' (Clyne's
pre-RCPM incarnation) Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy.
Anyway, during the show there was a 22-year-old kid named Trent who was giving out Taylor Hollingsworth
(the opening act) business cards. He kept trying to convince people to buy their CD. I assumed he was
with the band, but I later found out that he hitched a ride from Atlanta with them and was hoping to eventually
make it to Colorado for something called "the gathering." "A meeting of like-minded hippies," was the best
explanation he could come up with. Sort of a Grateful Dead concert without the music, is my assumption.
After I signed a few autographs in the parking lot following the show, I noticed he was sitting by the curb
with a huge camping backpack and bedroll. As we were leaving I asked if he was going to be OK, and that's
when he explained his story about hitching a ride and now he had little clue as to where he was or where he
was going. He didn't want money, just a path to the Interstate.
He possessed sort of a naive, innocently shy look of a young Stephen Baldwin. It gave him the appearance of
being genuine. Despite being faced with a three-hour drive back to Memphis and the evident unease in
Stephanie's eyes, my tender-hearted soul felt for the kid and compelled me to give him a lift to a well-lit
Interstate exit.
Of course, I asked Stephanie what she thought, and naturally she said, "Whatever you think," (later
adding "You're a crazy, crazy man") but the look in her eyes indicated that her heart wasn't completely into
this idea, and understandably so. Not since my friend Baker's Dozen once nearly topped 100 MPH while weaving
in and out of traffic on the way to Little Rock have I seen her so frozen with fear. The guy assured me he
had no weapons, but chances are that I'd develop an attraction to Kathy Bates before he'd say, "Well, I've
got a gun that I plan on pulling on you once I'm in your car."
On the run from a failed relationship, with little more than $22 and a bag full of clothes to his name, it
quickly became obvious that he was either a little drunk, a little stoned, or just a little spacey. Probably
a trio combo. And a shower, no doubt, would have done him some good. Topics on the drive consisted of life,
God, and our insignificance when compared to this large planet.
In my mind it seems a little extreme that a girlfriend's cold heart would be the sole force causing him to
aimlessly drift from city to city, but I was hesitant to ask too many questions for fear of what he might
accidentally reveal.
We got him to a well-lit exit that met his approval and bid him adieu. He was gonna set up camp and
hopefully catch a trucker or a train going West in the morning. I suggested he find pen and paper and
chronicle his journey. He said he'd been thinking about doing that and probably would thanks to my
suggestion.
My guess is that he will indeed start a journal, publish it, and become the next Jack Kerouac.
It's moments like this that make me really question my existence and purpose in life. Two lives heading in
totally different directions amazingly crossing paths. Coincidence? Blind luck? Divine intervention? The
latter, obviously.
One small lift to an Interstate exit, one small suggestion to chronicle this journey, one life no doubt
changed forever.
Which leads to that question about my existence - am I really human, or is it possible to be a guardian angel
and not even know it?
My worst fear is that on the news today I'll see video surveillance of the guy robbing the gas station we
dropped him off at, and further surveillance will show Stephanie's car with the added commentary, "The suspect
was last seen in this vehicle - license plate number..." in which case I'll count on you fine folks to tell
the authorities the real story.
It was an interesting lesson in how fascinating life can be if you just pay attention to the details around
you.
Though in retrospect I feel kind of bad complaining to the guy about how it was going to be a long day at work
because of how little sleep I was gonna be getting. Probably should've just kept my mouth shut about wanting
to get a Temperpedic mattress also.
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April 5, 2006
The Movie Mark Comic Takes on The Benchwarmers
The Only Movie Site Where You'll Find a Comment on Martha Plimpton
Show of hands - how many people here remember Martha Plimpton? Yeah, that's what I thought. For the 99% of
you who are scratching your head right now, Martha played Stef in Josh Brolin's The Goonies. What has
she done since then? I have no idea without looking it up on the Internet. But it's no exaggeration to say
she hasn't exactly been high profile.
Well, rumor has it that she's working on a song that will tell the story of her recent struggles to make it
as an actress in Hollywood. The name of that song? It's Hard Out Here for a Plimp.
Man, I'm good.
On DVD This Week
Don't forget to pick up your copy of The Chronic(WHAT)cles of
Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe this week. Click
here for a reminder about what exactly you can expect from the Special 2-Disc Collectors Edition DVD.
Ten hours of bonus features!
10 Days that Unexpectedly Changed America
Just wanted to remind everybody about The History Channel's upcoming 10
Days That Unexpectedly Changed America. It debuts in just four more days. I've already watched three
of the episodes, and it's very interesting stuff. If you're a history buff, and you particularly enjoy parts
of our history that aren't as well-known, then you'll want to check this out.
Full review of the series coming soon.
Still to Come This Week
- Review of Lucky Number Slevin
- Review of Take the Lead which, to my surprise, isn't unwatchable
- Ms. Cali and I will do a dual review of Thank You for Smoking
- I'll try to work in some time for a Retro Review of Mel Brooks' Spaceballs.
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April 4, 2006
The Debut of the MOVIE BEAT!
Those of you who are familiar with my Rider Reviews remember the popularity of my wildly hilarious Rider Beat
magazine covers. Well, I've decided to let that creativity spill over to the Movie Mark. The Movie Beat is a
great way to mock both the superficial celebrity adoration of Tiger Beat and some of the really embarrassing
photos actors have taken during the careers. The text on the Movie Beat represents titles of articles that you
might find in the magazine. The article titles will most often refer to movies that will be opening on a given
week or an actor/actress in these movies. Trust me, it'll be great fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bett-heads of all ages ... I present to you the very first edition of Movie Beat:
Video Clip: Undefeatable
If you're like me and you enjoy extremely horrific movies way more than you should be willing to admit then
you'll want to check out the following video clip for a movie called Undefeatable. If you've never
been fortunate enough to see a really cheesy fight scene in an obviously bad movie then this will remedy that.
We get two really bad one-liners at the end for good measure. Thanks to Landon M. for sending this to me.
Check it out.
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April 3, 2006
Coming this Week
Sorry folks, but today's update has to be short and sweet. Don't worry though because this week is going to
be PACKED with reviews and other ramblings. Here's what you can expect:
- Review of Banderas' Take the Lead (or as much of a review as I can stomach)
- Review of Lucky Number Slevin (Josh Hartnett in a role I actually liked!)
- Review of Thank You for Smoking (seein' it today)
- Reviews of individual episodes of the History Channel's 10 Days that Unexpectedly Changed America
And I'll debut the very first Retro Review. You'll find out more about it tomorrow. Let me just say the
reviews will include a picture of me when I was young that could simply not be any cuter.
Oh, and good news Brolin fans - Coastlines is finally getting a theatrical release in the U.S. It'll
debut in New York on May 31. It's also going to be available via "on demand" through IFC. I'm not sure if
it'll be shown in any other cities, but at least this is a step in the right direction. It's only taken four
years.
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