BREAKING NEWS - APRIL 2007
April 30, 2007
It's Box Office, Baby...
...it's bigger than Rosie's ... mouth.
Though it wasn't very big this past weekend. Disturbia
topping the list with a mere $9 million? Ouch. Granted, it takes me a full TWO
weekends to make that much, but still. Can you believe that Ben Affleck wasn't
at all responsible for the weekend's anemic box office results? Amazing.
But never fear, box office, you will experience a resurgence this weekend with
the release of Spider-Man 3. Unfortunately, I won't be able to screen
the film due to prior obligations, but I'll get around to seeing it one of
these days. I don't think my review would sway anybody one way or the other so
I'm sure y'all will make do.
Johnny at the Bat
It was a warm day in Marksville
When Johnny came to bat
He tapped the dirt off his cleats
And calmly adjusted his hat
But something strange happened
On this trip to the plate
Something he wasn't accustomed to
An unexpected twist of fate
As he looked at the coach
To read the signals for the play
He looked in bewilderment
"What's he trying to say?"
It was something he took pride in
Reading people like a book
"You can tell someone's life story
by a misplaced word, or a forlorn look."
Johnny stepped out of the batter's box
He had to do a double take
He wanted to do what was necessary
For the team's sake.
But he wasn't fond of confusion
Whether it be in game or life
But what was once so clear
Was now a source of strife
"I'm not sure what coach is saying.
Should I go up there and swing away?
Or should I bow out gracefully,
And let another have his day?"
"Batter up!" yelled the ref
And Johnny looked to the sky
"This is it," he thought,
"I suppose it's do or die."
"Time out!" Johnny yelled
As he bent down to tie his cleat
Would our hero figure it out?
Or would he finally face defeat?
To be continued...
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April 27, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: The Condemned
"The violence isn't even depicted in such a way as to be ironic. It's just ...
violent. For the sake of entertaining with violence! I suppose the filmmakers
feel they can assuage their conscience and pat themselves on the back by acting
like they have something meaningful to say in the process. Sorry, but WWE Films
has as much room to lecture on violence as Rosie O'Donnell has to criticize
obese loud mouths."
Johnny Betts reviews The Condemned,
starring Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vinnie Jones.
Unfortunately, this was the week's only big release that was screened in
Memphis. I wanted to see Next, but alas, I'm given
The Condemned to screen. Sigh.
Scott Baio and Corey Feldman Facts
I'd like to thank Movie Mark Paul for taking the time to send in a few facts of
his own. These are good! I often get scared that somebody will send me
something like, "Corey Feldman once ate too much cereal and got a stomach ache.
Pretty good, huh??" and then I have to struggle to figure out a way to let the
poor chap know that it's not up to snuff. But Paul delivered what I'm looking
for.
SCOTT BAIO FACTS
-
Scott Baio could have any woman he wants, provided she is in menopause.
-
Charles is still in charge, but this now refers to Scott Baio's loan shark,
Charles Morelli.
-
A Scott Baio life story was in the works, but the only actor available for the
part was Scott Baio. It was quickly cancelled.
-
Scott Baio is a staple to the acting industry. Literally. He holds papers
together for other actors.
-
Scott Baio was once mobbed by photographers. There was a celebrity behind him,
and he was in the way.
COREY FELDMAN FACTS
-
Corey Feldman has recently moved back to his childhood home: the 1980s.
-
Corey Feldman's films are so powerful, people are moved to tears just by
hearing he's working on a new one.
-
Corey Feldman is well-known for his acting chops. Excuse me, I meant his choppy
acting.
-
Corey Feldman has repeatedly been asked to stop trying to give autographs to
people at airports.
-
Corey Feldman once held a contest to find the biggest Corey Feldman fan in the
world. The winner was Corey Feldman.
Come on, folks, mimic Paul's initiative and
send me your own attempts. Just try not to be lame. I'll put these
Facts on separate pages by next week so you can send direct URLs to friends,
family, and message boards all across the net. We're gonna make this happen.
This is your chance to be a part of history.
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April 26, 2007
Corey Feldman Facts
I would estimate that at least 90% of you have heard of the Chuck Norris and
Jack Bauer Facts lists. Well, last year I started up a similar list for Scott
Baio. I intended to add to it periodically, but it kind of got lost in the
shuffle. For those of you new to the site or who may not remember the list,
here you go:
SCOTT BAIO FACTS
- Scott Baio does not sleep. He waits. Tables.
- Scott Baio does not leave tips. He accepts them. After you've finished your
meal.
- Scott Baio can't divide by zero, but he is familiar with the number considering
it represents his current income.
- When Rice Krispies see Scott Baio they don't say, "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" -
they laugh and say, "Don't worry; he can't afford us. He'll buy an off-brand."
- Scott Baio admits that he'll occasionally catch himself singing the Charles in
Charge theme song ... at YOUR party or event for a small fee.
- Scott Baio can once again be seen on TV screens this Fall when he starts his
new job cleaning TV screens with a squeegee.
- Scott Baio doesn't read scripts he... oh wait, there's no joke here because he
doesn't receive scripts.
Brilliant, right? Well, I think it's high time for the Corey Feldman facts!
Come on, readers; let's make these two lists even more popular than Chuck
Norris'! Maybe it'll make Chuck so mad that he'll hunt down Baio and Feldman
and give them both roundhouse kicks to the head. Now who wouldn't want to see
that?
COREY FELDMAN FACTS
- Chuck Norris once bragged that nothing was more painful than one of his
roundhouse kicks delivered squarely to the head. But then he watched Corey's
Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys and conceded that he'd finally
been beat.
- Corey Feldman died 18 years ago, along with his career, but the Grim Reaper is
too scared to tell him because he's afraid he'll catch Corey acting.
- They once made Corey Feldman toilet paper, but it was discontinued once it was
realized it'd be easier just to use the covers of all his unsold DVDs and CDs.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks under his bed to make
sure Corey Feldman isn't hiding, waiting to ask if he knows a good agent.
- The chief export of Corey Feldman is pain. Just watch any of his post-1989
movies for proof.
- Corey Feldman sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune. Much like the
rest of the world, the devil kind of forgot about Feldman after Dream a Little
Dream. However, six years later, the devil happened upon Dream a Little
Dream 2. Feeling sympathy for Corey, he gave him his soul back,
claiming that even the Prince of Darkness didn't want the responsibility of
THAT on his shoulders.
Well, it's a start. Feel free to email me
your own additions. And pass these two lists to friends, families, message
boards, etc. Let's make 'em explode!
Coming Tomorrow...
My review of Stone Cold Steve Austin's The Condemned. I'm sure y'all
can't wait to find out just how vital this one is to your cinematic experience.
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April 25, 2007
Bury My Heart...
...at the trailer park...
Welp, I saw the trailer for Larry the Cable Guy's Delta Farce yesterday. All I can say is "wow." And no, that's not a
compliment. The trailer was so devoid of humor that the screen almost collapsed in on itself.
Allow me to coin a new phrase (essentially re-working an old one): It's better to be thought a bad movie than to show a trailer
and remove all doubt.
Thank you.
Controversy - Attention's Lifeblood
As I finished conditioning my sideburns, eyebrows, and goatee this morning, I came to the realization that to gain real recognition
these days you have to do something controversial. You have to tackle a controversial subject. That's just the way the world
works - people want to address controversy, not brilliance.
Take my excellent exposé on Corey Feldman (An icon, an industry), for example - it's
likely the most hilariously insightful examination of an actor's self-imposed importance ever written, but it didn't attract the
attention it truly deserved. Why? Because even Corey's fans had to laugh and admit I was correct. It merely stated the truth,
and that's just not shocking enough.
I've managed to stir up a little anger inside ill-informed movie fans, such as the poor soul who wished death and cancer upon me
(in that order) just because I didn't like Seed of Chucky, but again, my review stated
the truth - nothing shocking or controversial there.
The problem is I don't want to tackle controversy just for the sake of it. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get more people
to send me hate mail. I've become too loveable and accurate I suppose.
"Why would you want more hate mail?"
Good question, dear reader. You wouldn't believe the number of people who tell me that, other than my reviews, the
hate mail is their favorite section of the site. I like to think it's because they appreciate my
responses to the mail, rather than the criticism being thrown my way.
So what's the solution? Well, I'm just gonna keep doing what I do. I'm not going to fabricate any stories just to cry out for
attention, I'm not going to divulge myself of all intellectual ability and ridiculously ask that people start using one square of
toilet paper, I'm not going to leave threatening voicemails to 11-year-old girls, and I'm not going to turn into Rosie
O'Donnell and vomit out any ridiculous statement that comes to mind. I'm just gonna keep tellin' it like it is and hopin' that
somebody hears.
Hang in there muchachos y muchachas, all seven or eight of you loyal readers who are still hanging around. Yes, it's hard to
kick the door down wearing $90 biker boots, but we've just gotta keep making noise and speaking the truth. That's the smolder
that'll remain once the ashes of controversy have passed away.
You can quote me on that. People will roll their eyes at you and think you're being overly dramatic, but you can still quote me
on it.
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April 24, 2007
On DVD this Week
Memphis, TN - "Déjà Vu," replied Internet entrepreneur and all-around genius, Johnny
Betts, when asked for his DVD Pick of the Week. "As a great reviewer once said, 'combining strong acting, exciting action, several
moments of unforced humor, and an intriguing watch-the-pieces-of-the-puzzle-fall-into-place sci-fi plot,
Déjà Vu delivers a good old-fashioned dose of escapism.'"
When pressed for further information on which highly-informed, amazingly-articulate reviewer made the brilliant comment, Betts
admitted that it was he. His modesty and lack of braggadocio caused him to refrain from giving himself credit.
The lack of special features for the Déjà Vu DVD is
disheartening, with only a few deleted/extended scenes and a behind-the-scenes featurette serving as complements, but Betts'
impeccable opinion makes it clear that this is certainly worthy of a rental.
As for this week's other releases?
"Well, I haven't seen Helen Mirren's The Queen. Bully for it that it garnered so many award nominations, but since Queen
Elizabeth is about 16,203rd on the list of subjects I'm interested in seeing depicted in a movie, I'm in no rush to see it," Betts
astutely observed. "The only other DVD release this week that I've seen is Ben Stiller's
Night at the Museum. I clearly didn't like it as much as the moviegoers who
helped push it to a $247,718,328 box office take."
Why does he think that is?
"Because I'm not 8 years old," Betts responded. "The nicest thing I can say about the movie is if you're under 10 or just an
extremely easily amused adult then Night at the Museum succeeds in its
attempt to be a cute, light-hearted, silly family comedy. As for me, my comedic tastes require more than a peeing monkey and
a sped-up slap fight with said monkey to engage my funny bone these days."
Chevy Chase News
I know what you're thinking: "Whoa, there's Chevy Chase news? Did I slip into a time machine and walk into 1985?" A reasonable
thought process, no doubt. Anyway, I doubt the "news" will be received warmly by any except the three die-hard fans he has
remaining, but he recently released an autobiography entitled I'm Chevy Chase . . . And You're Not.
In response, I'm releasing a follow-up called, Thank the Lord for Small Favors. Look for it to hit bookshelves near
you.
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April 23, 2007
FREE SCREENING: Waitress
When: Thursday, May 17th @ 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before
everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
You know the deal. CLICK HERE to sign up
for a pass. First 100 people to sign up will receive one.
TMM TV Movie of the Week
In addition to the hilariously ingenious Movie Mark originals, I've decided to
try my hand at offering up ideas for TV Movies of the Week. The networks love
to capitalize on current events with rushed and painfully bad movies, so why
not join the fray and try to grab a little piece of that sweet action myself?
Title: Straightenin' Out
Cast: Daniel Baldwin, Sharon Stone,
Dakota Fanning
Tagline: He's coming home on Friday
to straighten your [butt] out.
Synopsis: Driven to the edge by a bitter custody
battle with his ex-wife Kim Basinger (Stone), Alec Baldwin (Baldwin) unleashes
his anger towards his 11-year-old daughter Ireland (Fanning) in a chilling
voicemail message. Or 12-year-old daughter. However old she is. He's not sure.
But what he is sure about is that she's a rude, thoughtless little pig, and
he's a mere victim in a case of parental alienation. Long thought to be one of
Hollywood's biggest tools and insane nutcases, a guy who publicly advocated
stoning a man and his family to death, Baldwin must struggle to fight off that
image and rebuild a relationship with Scotland. Or Ireland. Whatever her name
is. He's not sure.
Can Baldwin get his temper under control and be a loving father to his rude pig
of a daughter? Or will he continue to be the poor, hapless victim that his
website pretends him to be?
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April 20, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Fracture
"Much like all you ladies who mad-rush Johnny Betts at movie screenings,
Fracture spends a lot of its runtime flirting with greatness.
The acting is great, the interaction between Hopkins and Gosling is great, and
the film's ability to completely engage your interest utilizes the adjective as
well.
But just as Hopkins' character can discover minor faults in everything, I too
possess the cunning ability to detect such chinks in the ol' armor..."
Johnny Betts reviews Fracture,
starring Anthony Hopkins and Ryan Gosling.
MOVIE REVIEW: Vacancy
"Most of the film is saturated in a disturbing amount of darkness and a
suffocating atmosphere that doesn't give us much time to catch our breath. With
a runtime of a little under an hour and a half, Vacancy
packs a mean punch and doesn't bog down with needless filler. As a result, I
was never bored or in a hurry to get home. Instead, my senses remained on
edge."
Johnny Betts reviews Vacancy,
starring Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson.
Change is a' comin'...
I realize that the main selling point of TMM has always been its content.
Providing a brilliantly diverse mix of education, enlightenment, and
entertainment, I have always kept the focus on stellar writing. However, I feel
that the look and feel of the site is a little outdated.
I've learned a few new skills and tricks of the ol' programming trade and feel
now is the right time for a bit of an overhaul. In addition to giving you
something new visually, I also want to give you more options to search my
reviews and better ways to interact with the site.
These aren't overnight changes, so don't expect anything drastic in the next
couple of weeks. Just know that something fresh is on the way, and the site
will find new ways to keep kicking that rump cheek. Stay tuned...
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April 19, 2007
Opening this Week
 
Fracture - Ryan Gosling is an assistant DA who has
been assigned to a case involving Anthony Hopkins who attempted to murder his
wife but planned it so that no evidence would be found.
Since I screened the film on Tuesday, I could now proceed to expound on my
thoughts, but I'll save 'em for tomorrow's review.
If any reviewer uses a pun such as, "This movie is so good that you won't mind
risking a fracture by running to the theater!" then I pledge to find him and
punch him in the brain.
Vacancy - Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson are a
married couple who become stranded at an isolated motel. They find hidden video
cameras in their room and soon realize that they're the targeted victims of a
snuff film.
I'll be seeing this one tonight, and the trailer doesn't look half bad. Plus,
y'all know I have a bit of a crush on Beckinsale, so I'll be glued to the
screen.
You might want to go ahead and prepare yourself for a reviewer's bad pun along
the lines of, "This movie's so bad there'll be plenty of vacancy in the
theater!"
They'll laugh, pat themselves on the back, and then continue to lead a loveless
life.
In the Land of Women - It has something to do with
Adam Brody breaking up with his actress girlfriend. Feel free to do the
research. I skipped the press screening for this one and don't plan on seeing
it any time soon. Here are the reasons why:
-
The title of the movie is In the Land of Women. The women we're talking
about aren't exactly Kate Beckinsale, Salma Hayek, or Evangeline Lilly, so no
thank you.
-
I've never cared too much for Adam Brody and his slurred, marbles-in-the-mouth
speech delivery. Guess what? I'm in no mood to give him another chance.
-
I had to inject myself with a testosterone shot after watching the trailer. It
looks way too made-for-Lifetime. One surefire way to lose my interest is to
showcase a scene where a couple says they're through but then run towards each
other and smooch as some contemporary love song rises to a crescendo.
I wonder why Zach Braff wasn't available for the lead role?
Hot Fuzz - The guys who brought us Shaun of the Dead
now bring us an action parody. Since I'm one of the few people brave enough to
state that Shaun of the Dead is overrated, I have to admit I'm not dying
to see this one.
If I were literally dying to see this then I'd have more urgent matters
to tend to.
Looks OK, I guess. I had to skip the weekday morning press screening, so if
you'd like me to review it then you're more than welcome to pay for my ticket.
I'd also like popcorn and coke, so keep that in mind.
On DVD this Week
This week's releases are anemic. Notes on a Scandal, Freedom Writers,
The Last King of Scotland, and Smokin'
Aces? Whoop-tee-doo.
The only one I've seen is Smokin' Aces,
and I don't even recommend it as a rental unless you're painfully desperate,
especially since it has jack squat for special features.
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April 18, 2007
If We Could Just Mix Wrestling and Real Life...
Yesterday was Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day. Apparently they offer this every
year, but this was the first I'd heard of it. Not one to turn down free ice
cream, I summoned Mr. Shade and we made the 0.8 mile trek to the downtown Ben &
Jerry's. So if anybody ever asks you how far Johnny Betts would go for free ice
cream, you can respond, "At least 0.8 miles by foot."
Anyway, we got in line and were subjected to a variety of annoyances by an
employee who felt the need to talk to everybody in line and get them excited
about free ice cream. I tried tuning him out after he yelled, "Who knows what's
in Chuuuuuuuuunky Mooooooonkey?!?!?" but it was hard to ignore his insistence
that we all join him in a ridiculous chant.
"Who's happy?" he asked, way too gleefully. "Who's h-a-P-P-Y?!?!" To truly
express how nerve-grating this was, I have to point out that while yelling the
"ppy" part he raised his voice to a decibel level that can only be described as
"testicles in a vice" high. He demanded that everybody say it with him, and for
some inexplicable reason most of the line joined in. I, however, stared
stoically ahead, looking intimidating in my sunglasses and one-size-too-small
shirt.
He noticed that I wasn't participating, so he pointed at me and said, "You
didn't participate! No ice cream for you! I'm the ice cream Nazi; no ice cream
for you!" In a desperate effort to win me over, he asked that we all join in
one more time. He looked at me and chanted, "h-a-P-P-Y!" I didn't crack a
smile. "No amount of free ice cream is worth THAT," I said to Mr. Shade.
The employee tried to be funny again and said, "Get out of line! No free ice
cream for you!" I responded with a fake "ha ha" laugh and stayed in line. The
employee got the message and walked away.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to deliver the response I truly desired. In a
perfect world, I would've given him a boot to the gut and then a Stone Cold
Stunner. Now many of you who know me well might be inclined to think I'd give
him a boot and a DDT. Not a bad way to go, but a stunner would've been more
appropriate in this situation.
You see, there was a little stand behind him with all the ice cream flavors
written on it. So in my imagination, as I stunned him he would've bounced up
and done a backflip right through the stand, shattering it to pieces. The
people in line would have cheered, I would have gotten my ice cream, and then I
would've walked over and looked down at him. As I took a big bite of chocolate
peanut butter swirl I would calmly state, "Now I'm h-a-P-P-Y!" and then
saunter off into the distance.
American Idol - A Truly Sad State of Affairs
If you're a frequent reader of
the Movie Mark message board then you know I can't stand American Idol's
Chris Richardson. If you haven't looked at the board in the last 24 hours then
you haven't caught my extremely accurate and insightful rundown of the guy's
performance last night. I'll go ahead and share that with you now because it's
worth repeating...
"You know that smirk we've talked about on the Lost thread that The Others have?
Well, Chris Richardson has that exact same cocky smirk, and I'd love to get in
the ring, throw on the boxing gloves, and legally punch him in the face for it.
He couldn't have looked like a bigger idiot when he tried to defend his nasally
voice to Simon. 'Nasally is a type of singing. I don't know if you knew that or
not.'
Ugh. Yeah, it's A BAD TYPE OF SINGING YOU JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WANNABE DOUCHE BAG!
I've loathed this guy since Day 1, so I'm glad he finally snapped and showed
America what a major tool he is. Lakisha's probably in major danger, but I hope
JT Clone is gone."
Brilliant, I agree. The guy got totally ripped by the judges and out of
desperation he acts like he intentionally sang through his nose. He then made
some comment about how if he sang like that every week then Simon could say
something. Dude, you basically DO sing like that every week! Last night was
just worse than usual.
Anyway, he quickly moved from the criticism to make a comment about the
Virginia Tech tragedy and how he has friends there. Granted, the kid's from
Virginia, so I don't want to attempt to dissect his true intentions. Some
people feel the comment was out of place and came off as a desperate attempt to
get sympathy after getting railed by the judges, while others think he was
genuine and truly wanted to send out a heartfelt statement.
Personally, I thought it lacked tact to immediately cut off Simon's criticism
with the comment. I knew Simon would catch flak for rolling his eyes, but I
understood it was from Chris' interruption and wasn't some sort of heartless
reaction to the tragedy itself. I don't doubt the kid's sincerity, but it did
come off as damage control. Disagree if you want, but you know I'm right. Simon
tried to respond to Chris' smart aleck remark, and Chris interrupted to throw
that in there. If nothing else, it was bad timing.
What bothers me most is what one of his fans said on an IMDb message board. She
commented that immediately after she heard about the tragedy her first thought
was, "I wonder how Chris is feeling?"
Is society at the point where after hearing about the brutal slaughter of 30+
people someone's first response is, "I wonder what so-and-so from American Idol
thinks about this?" Really?
Your first thoughts aren't ones of concern for the victims, the students, or
the family members? You're more worried about how Chris from AI is going to
deal with all of this? You might as well say you hope the tragedy doesn't
affect his performance too much.
Come on, people. Don't let your thought process get so screwed up that your
initial concern regarding a national tragedy is with how an American Idol
contestant is feeling. I can't believe this is an issue I'm being forced to
address.
Anyway, Simon told Melinda that she needs to stop acting so surprised when the
judges tell her she's a great singer. My advice to Chris would be to stop
acting so surprised when the judges tell him he sucks.
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April 17, 2007
Let's Play Catch
Life's a reaction to a set of circumstances. A response to our surroundings and
the events happening within those surroundings. Broken hearts. Burned bridges.
Busted dreams. We've all had our share, and they all have their part to play. A
person's life isn't defined by his or her problems. It's defined by the crafted
solution.
People look for answers in a multitude of places. God. Family. Mentors. Ancient
wisdom. These are all valuable, but sometimes a situation calls for a lighter
response. Yes, most of the time a poignant Proverb can provide either substance
or solace, but there is something else that can truly define a moment.
Something so universal that not only does it draw on the past, but it brightens
the present while offering a bridge to the future...
TV catchphrases.
That's right. We know them, we repeat them, and we're warmed by others'
expertise in reciting them.
Who among us hasn't been mistaken for Dwayne Nelson as we approached our
friends with an effectively-placed "Hey HEY hey!" or livened the party J.J.
Walker-style with an emphatic Dyn-o-mite! Show me a person that doesn't melt
when someone throws down a little Dave Coulier "cut it out" action (complete
with the hand motions) and I'll show you a calloused soul.
Yes, folks, we've all been privy to reworkings of "Well, isn't that special?"
We've all added our own versions, complete with accents. We even give advice
via the words of Regis Philbin and Jean Luc Picard. And we most likely look
silly when doing it. But that's the price you pay when you tap into the one
thing that can unite us.
If you've never answered the phone with the most annoying attempt ever of
"Whassuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?" - an attempt going to the greatest lengths
imaginable to out-annoy your friends' attempts - then you, my friend, simply
haven't lived.
The world's religions will always have their differences. No nation will ever
achieve true political harmony. Canada will never been seen as anything more
than America's little sister (sorry, or is that sore-y?). And nobody will ever
really like the French. But the one thing we can all agree on, the one thing
that nobody can deny, is that the truth is out there, and many times it can be
found in the perfect catchphrase.
So ask not what your country can do for you, my friends, but ask where's the
beef? Those around you will know exactly where you're coming from even if none
of you truly know where you're going.
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April 16, 2007
MINI REVIEW: Three O'Clock High
Anybody out there ever seen Three O'Clock High? I know a lot of you
readers are children of the 80s, as am I, and we're an offspring with a certain
fondness for the teen movies of the era. Well, one I'd never seen and really
hadn't heard about is 1987's Three O'Clock High. I always peruse the
upcoming week's schedule on Encore to see if there are any good movies coming
up, and this one caught my eye. I like a good "little guy confronts the bully"
story so I figured I'd give it a chance.
I went into it with minor expectations, especially considering the fact that
the most recognizable name in the cast is Jeffrey Tambor, and lo and behold if
it didn't pleasantly surprise me! The story revolves around high school nerd
Jerry Mitchell (Casey Siemaszko, who?) and a day in his life that would forever
change his reputation.
The trouble starts when he is assigned to write an article for the school paper
about a new student named Buddy Revell (Richard Tyson, who?). The rumors are
all around the school that Buddy is a psychopath with a reputation for beating
up teachers and being kicked from one school to the next. Jerry approaches him
and mentions the article idea, but Buddy just wants to be left alone.
When Jerry pats him on the shoulder, Buddy (who doesn't like "touchers") is
enraged. He tells Jerry that they're fighting at 3:00 PM, right after school,
and there's no way he can get out of it.
The rest of the movie consists of Jerry doing his best to figure out a solution
to this problem. It's a good ol' fashioned David vs. Goliath tale, and I found
myself legitimately interested in watching Jerry's desperation play out as the
clock counted down. It doesn't take itself too seriously, it's fairly funny,
and the ending is satisfyingly cheer-worthy. If you love 80s teen comedies then
I recommend checking this one out.
In fact, I watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High this weekend (because I
haven't seen it in YEARS and wanted to see how it stood the test of time), and
I preferred Three O'Clock High. In retrospect, I don't get all the hype
surrounding Fast Times. I'll go ahead and say it - I think it's
overrated. There, that felt good.
Drive
I caught the 2-hour premiere of Fox's new show
Drive last night, and I was quite impressed. The premise is 42
people have been summoned to participate in an illegal, cross-country race, and
the winner gets $32 million. For some, the stakes are even greater. Take Nathan
Fillion (Captain Mal from Firefly), for example. His wife's been
kidnapped, and to get her back all he has to do is win the race.
Why have these people specifically been chosen for the race? That's something
the show indicates it'll reveal in time. We're left to watch what extremes
they'll all go to just to win.
The series premiere contained some of the coolest car action sequences and
chases that I've seen on a TV show. Combine that with doses of humor, Fillion's
sarcasm, and a little mystery, and this is one I definitely recommend.
It moves into its regular time slot tonight on Fox at 7:00 PM Central. Give it
a look.
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April 13, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Disturbia
"Disturbia is simply a
crowd-pleaser that asks you to enjoy the popcorn and ignore the lapses in
logic. It does take a little while to get to the meat of mystery, but by the
time all Hades starts to bust loose, Disturbia effectively cranks the
thrills up a notch and transforms into a good example of how a PG-13 thriller
can manufacture a little tension without relying on shock value and gore."
Johnny Betts reviews Disturbia,
starring Shia LeBeouf (whose name is annoying to make sure you spell
correctly), David Morse, and Sarah Roemer.
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April 12, 2007
Uwe Boll Must be Stopped
It's official - Uwe Boll has graduated from "talentless hack" to "despicable human being." Known for ruining any video game
franchise his incompetent movies touch, Boll's greatest achievement in the industry is continuing to still find suckers willing
to finance his sure-fire bombs.
It doesn't take an extensive background in mathematics to understand that, in the case of his most recent box office disaster
BloodRayne, a $25,000,000 budget + $2.4 million box office does NOT equal success. Yet, beyond any earthly logic, the guy
is still allowed to make movies.
All right, fine, he's figuring out a way to make movies that appeal to less than 1% of the world's population. Good for him.
It's nice to have a universal figure of failure that people of all nations can come together and poke fun of. But he's taken
his desperation for attention a step too far.
As if setting BloodRayne 2 in the Old West and making Billy the Kid a vampire isn't bad enough, Toilet Boll has decided
to make a "comedy" (Postal) that in part pokes fun of the 9/11 tragedy. Why? Because the little Nazi has decided "it was
time."
I saw a teaser trailer (which I will not give Boll the honor of linking to from my page) that shows a window cleaner cleaning
the World Trade Center when he turns around and BOOM, one of the planes that crashes into the Trade Center crashes right into him
and we see a huge explosion. And Boll expects audiences to LAUGH at that! Real classy, Mr. Boll. I thought you had no regard for
moviegoers, but apparently you just have no regard for the human race or common decency in general.
Boll, in his Balki-esque broken English, less-than-eloquently states, "Postal is a necessary wake up call and we make fun
in that movie about everybody." No, Mr. Boll, Postal is another crappy movie that you've been inexplicably given a budget
for, and you know it's terrible. You know audiences will refuse to see it based on your track record. However, you're at least
smart enough to know that maybe, just maybe, you can generate a little interest by generating a lot of controversy.
No such thing as bad publicity, huh? Well, there's definitely such a thing as bad directors, and Mr. Boll, you're at the top of
the list.
Please let me know if you're ever in Memphis. I'd love to let you know what I really think of you.
I'm thinking a weekly "Uwe Boll Sign of Incompetence" would be a good addition to TMM. I truly feel I need to start doing more to
dishonor the bozo. Somebody's gotta step up to the plate and make a valiant effort to put an end to his theatrical terrorism, and
who better than Johnny Betts?
Hey Boll - it's on.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Disturbia.
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April 11, 2007
Dear Johnny
Welcome to a new feature here at TMM. I spend so much time educating, informing, and enlightening y'all on a daily basis that I've
decided I'd take it a step further with a weekly advice column. I get questions in email all the time that I'm sure must be on
the minds of others. My answers are so observant and astute that I hate for them to be wasted on one individual when there's a whole
group of people who could benefit from them.
So email me your questions or comments, and they'll likely end up in the advice
column.
Hey Johnny!
My boyfriend refuses to go see Music and Lyrics with me, claiming it's too
girly. When I told him, "Johnny Betts said it's not bad for a chick flick," he sarcastically asked, "Who's Johnny Betts?"
I almost broke up with him on the spot, but I decided ignorance was not a good enough reason to do that so I thought education
would be the proper route to take. So I introduced him to the Movie Mark, and naturally, he's now a fan. He even used your
review of 300 to convince me to go see that with him. And I actually liked it! The
violence was a bit much at times, but the shirtless guys made up for that.
However, he still won't go see girly movies with me, and now uses the "it'll be on DVD soon" excuse for
Music and Lyrics. What's a poor girl to do? Your advice is appreciated!
Chick Flick Blues
Dear Chick Flick Blues,
Here's a little advice for all you females out there - if your significant other ever asks, "Who's Johnny Betts?" then simply
reply, "More man than you'll ever be. Man enough to go see a chick flick when need be." That'll serve as a nice little wake up
call.
But back to the question at hand... the bottom line is my reviews of chick flicks clearly point out how tolerable they are for the
most testosterone-fueled moviegoers out there. Life's all about give and take. If I beg you gals to not take your man to
Because I Said So then heed my advice and don't take him. You can't
expect us to willingly let you drag us to every movie you girls want to see.
However, if I'm man enough to check the man card at the door and recommend a particular "chick flick" as one you fellas can
stomach then please, for the sake of your better half's feelings, oblige. If she's willing to see
300 with you because of my stellar review then you have to reciprocate.
CFB, tell your boyfriend that Johnny's got a pair of size 11 biker boots ready to be put to good use if he wants to continue
to play this game unfairly. Unless your boyfriend's built like The Rock. In that case, just tell him Johnny asked nicely that
he go to one of your movies every now and then as long as it gets my approval.
You may even suggest it'd make him "almost as manly as Johnny" just to give him a little extra motivation.
Remember to email me if you need my own special brand of advice.
Halle Berry's Illiterate?
After her most recent racy photoshoot with Esquire magazine, one meant to draw attention to her half-clothed body and away from her
poorly-reviewed film, Halle Berry insisted that she quiz her interviewer and then write the article. Obviously, as long as she was
willing to prance around in lingerie, the magazine was willing to play along.
However, editors were shocked and appalled when they received the article and found 33 grammatical errors and misspellings. Most
perplexing was that Berry spelled "movie" as "movey." How a woman can't even spell a five-letter word that is the essence of her
profession is mind-boggling, to say the least.
So does Ms. Berry actually suffer from some amount of illiteracy? This would certainly go a long way in explaining why exactly she
agreed to star in Catwoman.
Why Radio DJs Annoy Me
My daily work commute is at least 30 minutes, one way. Therefore, I listen to a lot of radio. As a result, I've come to the
conclusion that approximately 95% of radio DJs are goofballs who serve as nothing more than a support group to laugh at each other's
lame jokes. There are only a handful of DJs in Memphis that I can listen to for more than a few minutes at a time. Everybody else
is worse than nails on a chalkboard.
One such example is FM 100's Tom Prestigiacomo. Even though my friends and I used to affectionately refer to him as Tom
Prestijockstraphomo, I make the following statement not as an indictment of his entire body of work (because I choose not to
listen to him talk on a regular basis) but as ridicule of his recent attempts to convince everybody that he's some sort of
poet of the airwaves.
Recently I was the victim of listening to his description of John Mayer's new song Gravity. I assume that's the title, but
I'm not sure, and I'm not looking it up. Anyway, my annoyance comes at the hands of Tom trying way too hard to sell the song.
"I'm a texture guy," he stated with stone cold seriousness. "I love the feel of French silk pie in my mouth. Just like I like the
feel of this song in my ear."
Hey Tom, do you like the feel of a pair of size 11 biker boots kicking you square in the backside? He went on the compare the
song to sipping a cold glass of ice tea on the front porch on a lazy Summer afternoon.
I shook my head and changed the channel quickly. As quickly as a cool breeze in the Summer evening can change a person's
burned-out demeanor. Thank you, thank you.
Anyway, I'm sure in the short-term this observation won't help me get any promotion via FM 100, but my site's been up and running
for about three years and I don't recall any prior help or promotion from them, so who am I scared of offending? I merely speak
the truth, and if that bothers Tom or any other DJs out there then that's a consequence of coming face-to-face with their own
shortcomings.
Truth is a double-edged sword, my friends, and it never feels good when you're stabbed with it.
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April 10, 2007
Opening this Week
  
Disturbia - Under house arrest, a teen (Shia LaBeouf) witnesses bizarre
behavior from his neighbor (David Morse), leading him to believe he's witnessing a serial killer in
action.
I've affectionately referred to this as Rear Window for Teenagers, but the trailer is pretty
slick. Something tells me it'll be as predictable as numbers plugged into the quadratic formula
(yeah, I stretched for that metaphor), but word on the street is that the tension level is solid.
However, word from the Betts is more dependable than word from the street, and I'm screening it
tonight, so hold tight for my review.
Perfect Stranger - There aren't many things that would make a person recall
Bronson Pinchot these days, but releasing a movie so similar in title to Balki's 80s/90s sitcom is
one of the few.
If somebody asks you what the movie is about, simply reply, "It's based on the TV show," and watch
them recoil in horror. It's always good for a laugh.
Actually, it has something to do with Halle Berry text messaging Bruce Willis in an effort to out him
as her best friend's killer. Sounds a little hokey. Movies that try to quickly capitalize on the latest
trends in technology often find ways of being very bad.
I can't wait for Facebook of Death.
It's being screened on Thursday, but alas, I've got a basketball game and won't be able to attend.
Pathfinder - Based on Nissan's famous SUV, Pathfinder is a riveting
documentary that ... oh wait, that's not right. The story revolves around Karl Urban as a one-emotion
Viking who fights and stuff. Or something. I don't know, nor am I going to research it.
The movie's been put on hiatus more times than a David Alan Grier sitcom, so I'm not expecting much.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters - Possessing what might be
the most annoying movie title of all time, this little nugget is based on a cartoon that I don't watch. Thus, my
interest level falls somewhere between "couldn't care less" and "somebody needs to be beaten for coming up
with that stupid title."
Even the fanboys are ripping it. Hope it enjoys a $2 million opening weekend.
On DVD this Week
This is one of the worst weeks for DVD releases ... ever! Bobby is the biggest release?
Please. I love how the movie brags about its "all-star" cast, but one quick look at the list reveals
names such as Emilio Estevez, Sharon Stone, and Christian Slater.
They're right, that is quite the cast ... FOR A MOVIE MADE IN 1985!
Other than that, you can get a director's cut of Payback or enjoy an unwanted re-release of
Phantasm III. What do we get next week? House III on DVD? Sheesh.
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April 9, 2007
FREE SCREENING: 28 Weeks Later
When: Tuesday, May 8th @ 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
You know the deal. If you're in the mood for s little zombie action then
CLICK HERE to sign up for a pass. First 100 people to sign
up will receive one.
Johnny Betts Busted
Some people have wondered why Diane Lane did not attend the recent premiere of
Grindhouse with hubby and soon-to-be mega superstar,
Josh Brolin. Well, a sharp-eyed Movie Mark known as Trantee has produced some very condemning
photographic evidence of what she was actually up to...
In an effort to disguise himself, Johnny Betts desperately tried to emulate Brolin's hairdo, but the
fact that he ended up looking somewhat like a young George Lucas played a part in blowing his
cover.
Neither Josh Brolin nor Diane Lane could be reached for comment.
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April 6, 2007
DUAL MOVIE REVIEW: Grindhouse
"By the time the experience was over, I was physically exhausted. And that's a good thing! Both movies figure out a way
to pull you into their demented worlds, and then they totally overload you with everything.
I can picture the two directors sitting around, exchanging ideas, when one of them says, "Too much?" The other's reply? An
emphatic, "Not enough!" You'll see what I mean. There are moments where you'll be thinking, "Surely they aren't going
to... OHH! They just did!" It's cinematic insanity at its most outrageous."
Johnny Betts and Nikki Bluejeans deliver a collaboration of their own with the ONLY review of
Grindhouse you'll ever need to read.
Proving that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez aren't the only masters of collaborative double features, my good friend and
dedicated Movie Mark Nikki Bluejeans and I have delivered what can only be described as an extremely informative, masterfully
ingenious dual review.
Not only do you get my usual wit and wisdom, but you're also treated to the female perspective of a die-hard QT/RR fan. Enjoy the
masterpiece that we've crafted, folks. Read the review RIGHT HERE!
I know I mentioned I'd have the sign-up page ready for the 28 Days Later screening today, but I'm exhausted from putting
together the Grindhouse review. I'll have it ready by Monday.
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April 5, 2007
Movie Mark Original #23
In honor of this week's release of Grindhouse, I've decided to be nice enough to grace you all with my own
homage to bad cinema - a new Movie Mark Original. Enjoy.
Title: Night Walker, Texas Danger
Tagline: When the Eyes of the Danger are Upon You...
Starring: Chuck Norris, Lou Diamond Phillips
Plot Summary: Tuff Dakota (Norris) and his bearded rogueness are back in an all-new,
evil-destroying adventure! Having regained his faith in the smash-hit Tres-Pastor, Dakota is called on
yet another mission from God. This time, Dakota is led to a sleepy little Texas town that's being overrun by
vampires.
With nothing more to back him up than his trusty flame torch and a roundhouse kick from the Lord, Dakota must
defeat Cody Wyoming (Phillips), the leader of the night walkers, and bring peace back to the quiet town. Beard
ensues.
Self-Indulgent Inside Joke of the Movie: During an intense, heart-stopping showdown
between Dakota and Wyoming (who happens to be quite the pistoleer), Dakota looks up, removes the toothpick from
his mouth, detects Wyoming's hesitation, and calmly inquires, "Are you gonna pull those pistols or whistle La
Bamba?"
Signature Quote: Recognizing that the vampires he will face are nothing more than
spawns of Satan, Dakota never engages in battle without first offering up this prayer ... "Give us this day our
daily dead..."
Climax: His defeat imminent, Wyoming pleads for mercy. Dakota, more interested in
his own brand of justice than anything else, replies, "Didn't you hear? Mercy moved out of town. She
doesn't haunt this playground any more."
David Caruso Cameo: Long-haired and crazy-eyed, David Caruso is the town's most
eccentric citizen. His origins unknown and his appearance unkempt, Caruso tends to keep to himself. One day,
Dakota sees Caruso standing over a dead horse, spouting one-liners and bad puns. Dakota approaches Caruso and
asks him what he's doing.
Caruso looks up, places his hands on his hips, and replies, "It's what I like to call beating a dead horse *puts
on sunglasses* with a shtick." He quickly exits the scene, never to be seen again.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Grindhouse! And just to give you Memphis-area folks even more incentive to tune in tomorrow,
I'll have the sign up page ready for free passes to the upcoming screening of 28 Weeks Later.
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April 4, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: The Reaping
"I've decided that 'it somewhat kept my interest' is no longer excuse enough for me to give a thriller of this
nature a passing grade. Slow-paced, non-scary, and convolutedly confusing to a fault (due to Swank's inexplicable
'visions'), The Reaping takes the potential of applying a Biblical
story in modern times and wastes it with a pedestrian effort that offers nothing new or original to the genre."
Johnny reviews The Reaping, starring Hilary Swank and absolutely nobody
else you've heard of.
FREE SCREENING: Fracture
I recently conducted a scientific survey asking Memphians what it would take to get Spring off to a perfect start
for them, and the surprising answer was "passes to a screening of Fracture." One person even added, "Any man
who could make that happen would be a true modern-day hero."
Welp, good news - ol' Johnny and TMM are making it happen.
This one looks good, folks, so go ahead and CLICK HERE to sign up for a pass.
When: Tuesday, April 17th @ 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
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April 3, 2007
Johnny Betts Suffering from Movie Popcorn Hangover
After work yesterday famed movie expert and Internet icon Johnny Betts headed to the gym so that
he could pump up his legendary biceps prior to attending last night's screening of Hilary "Horse Face"
Swank's The Reaping. Immediately following his workout, Betts showered and headed straight to
the theater. Unable to afford the time to pick up dinner, Betts was forced to purchase overpriced
popcorn and coke from the concession cartel in a desperate effort to curb his appetite.
Thankfully for the wavy-haired reviewer of wonder, Mr. and Mrs. Shade were willing to pitch in on the
two drink/large popcorn combo. At $11, this "special" almost seemed like a steal, and the group felt a
little guilty for taking advantage. However, all consciences were reportedly clear within two minutes.
The fact that they could go to Kroger and get a couple of 2 liters and a box of microwave popcorn for
about 1/3rd the price kept them from feeling too badly about the ordeal.
Betts started feeling queasy about halfway through the movie and decided he'd had enough. At approximately
1:50 AM Betts is said to have complained of some sort of greasy monstrosity swimming around in his stomach,
banging against the walls, waiting to turn into the star of a Sci-Fi Original and bust out. "I knew I'd regret
negating my workout by dining on movie popcorn and coke," said Betts, "but I didn't know I'd regret it quite
this badly. What's in that stuff? I haven't felt this nauseated since I accidentally saw a glimpse of Rosie
O'Donnell in an S&M outfit in Exit to Eden."
As of this morning, Betts was still suffering from the effects. "Let this be a lesson to the kids out there
- never gorge on movie popcorn and coke, especially on an empty stomach. I was hoping my morning coffee
would help ease my stomach, but the little explosions going on inside my stomach stamps a big negative on
that idea."
It's not clear what Betts plans to do as a remedy, but he commented that he at least has an idea for a new
Movie Mark Original.
"I'm calling it Orville Deadenbacher. I'm still working on the tagline, but that guy and his weird
suspenders always creeped me out. After last night's experience, I've decided a movie needs to be made where
movie popcorn is a living entity that seeks to cause damage after it's been ingested. Much like my sister
Amber's attempts at cooking."
Orville Redenbacher couldn't be reached for comment. Perhaps because I'm pretty sure he's dead. Amber will
most certainly comment by the time she reads this. Likely on her myspace page.
Grindhouse Clips
This first clip is an interview with Josh Brolin and Marley Shelton and it comes courtesy of the
great Australian Ann...
Watch Josh masterfully explain his
role in Grindhouse
The next clip discusses some of the main characters in Grindhouse and includes comments from
Robert Rodriquez regarding his long-time desire to work with Josh...
The Guys and
Girls of Grindhouse
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April 2, 2007
Josh Brolin on the Late Late Show
Set those TiVos and DVRs, folks, because "The Year of the Josh" kicks things in high gear starting tonight. Josh will be a
guest on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson promoting Grindhouse, which opens on Friday and I'll be seeing on
Tuesday.
Tonight I screen The Reaping. The tagline begs the question, "What hath God wrought?" If the movie isn't any
good then I predict God will answer, "Not that!" Unless this is some sort of new Biblical plague. I'll watch the movie
before passing further judgment.
Embarrassing Moments in Movie-going History
Who remembers Liam Neeson's Rob Roy? To be honest, I don't remember a whole lot about it except that I walked out of
the theater less-than-impressed and feeling like it was a poor man's Braveheart. If this angers any Rob Roy fanboys
then allow me to point out that it's been 12 years since I've seen it, so who knows, perhaps it's better than I recall. The one
detail about the movie I do remember is that it was pretty slow until a big chase scene involving horses and Eric Stoltz
commenced.
A guy sitting a few rows in front of me looked at his friend, smiled, and said, "Let's ride!" Then he held his arm out in
front of him and started wiggling around in his seat in an effort to, I can only assume, simulate horse riding. My friend
and I looked at each other and just shook our heads. It was one of those moments where you literally feel embarrassed by
another human being's actions. Things like that just should not be done in public. Well, a GUY probably shouldn't do things
like THAT in private either.
Moral of the Story: Don't simulate horse riding at the movies. At least if you're male.
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