BREAKING NEWS - APRIL 2008
April 30, 2008
The Sci Fi Channel's Got Guts
I never thought I'd see this happen, but I recently received a DVD copy of the Sci Fi Original Headless Horseman.
"That's cool, Johnny. A devoted fan sent you the DVD because he really wants you to review it?"
Nope. This came direct from their distribution company. That's right; they actually want me to watch and review it. I'll give 'em credit - they've got moxy. I remember
DVRing (and subsequently deleting) this when it first aired. I think I gave it about five minutes before declaring, "Well, that's enough of that." The DVD touts this as
the "director's cut," so I'll give it a watch and a review. In the meantime, please control your salivation.
Well played, Sci Fi. You could run in fear from the great Johnny Betts, but instead you unashamedly sent me a DVD for review. I just hope you don't think that's going to
inspire an insincerely positive review. Oh no. I'll play it fair, as always. Now if you'll just contact me about turning my Movie
Mark Originals into full-length features then we'll be in good shape.
Speaking of my MMOs, I've got a new idea. Check it out - Remorse Code. Most likely starring Chuck Norris and Lorenzo Lamas. That's nothing but
pure gold.
The 80s Killer
Looking down at the motionless body, Detective Dakota noticed a spilled bottle of Flintstones vitamins teetering delicately in the victim's right hand.
"What happened here, Sergeant?" asked Dakota, stroking his rugged, yet deceptively manicured beard.
"Looks like the 80s Killer has struck again, Detective," the young Sergeant replied. This wasn't his first murder case, but it was by far his most baffling. The 80s
Killer, as the media affectionately dubbed him months ago, had left a trail of at least six dead, each victim marked with a product or piece of memorabilia from the 80s.
This maniac was original, if a bit clichéd at times.
"And we know this because of the Flintstones vitamins?" inquired Dakota, hairs from his beard glistening in the sun.
"That's the assumption, sir."
"I want facts, not assumptions, Sergeant. I built my career on punches, not hunches, kid. So hit me hard or head back to the gym."
"Yes, sir." Sergeant Montana respected Detective Dakota, but the freshness of his gym and fighting metaphors had long gone sour. Everybody knew that he possessed a
roundhouse kick that could break the speed of sound; it was highly unnecessary that he reference it on a daily basis.
"Oh, and Sergeant ... get me a toxicology report."
"You got it. You think he was forced to OD on the vitamins?"
"Not necessarily," replied Dakota as he removed a CD from a nearby stereo. "Look what the cat dragged in," Dakota deadpanned as he held up the CD.
That's when it hit
the Sergeant. The Flintstones vitamins were a decoy. A clever attempt at throwing the authorities off track. Now he understood Dakota's request for the toxicology
report. There was a good chance that this victim had just succumbed to an overdose of ... Poison.
To be cont'd...
One Last Thing about Miley Cyrus
All right, so some people don't see the big deal about the Miley Cyrus photo shoot. The bottom line is she's 15 years old. If you walked into someone's home and their
15-year-old daughter was bare-backed, wrapped in a towel, and peering seductively over her shoulder at you, would you think it was appropriate? No, you wouldn't. So how
is it any different to have the photo sittin' on your coffee table?
What, pray tell, is the purpose of such a photograph? Are you using a 15-year-old girl to sexually entice, or are you merely stirring up controversy to sell more
magazines? I see no room for any other options.
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April 29, 2008
Poor, Poor Wesley Snipes
Wesley Snipes broke the law. He's a rich man who didn't file his taxes for five years. So what happened? It finally caught up to him, and he's now been sentenced
to a three-year jail term. We should celebrate this as an example of justice in action, right? Well, not if you ask Whoopi Goldberg. According to Whoopi, Mr. Snipes
is a poor victim of the justice system. She claims, "This is not unusual. With tax evasion, (the IRS) gets very, very agitated and if you're famous they are putting
you behind some kind of bar."
First of all, why is anybody asking Whoopi Goldberg for her opinion on this subject? Nobody cares. Second of all, if I had $5 million worth of taxes to avoid paying
then I guarantee you the IRS would be after my butt as well! Give me a break.
This is another example of Hollywood actors and actresses thinking they're above the law and everybody else. You know what, Whoopi? Snipes could have avoided jail time
BY PAYING HIS TAXES! And let's not play the poor "the U.S. is using celebrities as scapegoats" card. Y'all get away with far more than you get caught. Need I remind
you that O.J. Simpson murdered two people and yet is currently walking the streets? Score one for the celebs!
If you ask me I think they should throw Whoopi in prison to deter the American people from getting a hairdo like hers. There are some things about which you can never
be too careful.
Misinterpreted, Not Manipulated!
So let me get this straight, the 15-year-old Miley Cyrus appears half-naked on the June cover of Vanity Fair, and now we're being told by the photographer that the photos
are being "misinterpreted." Let's get serious for a moment. No one's free from blame here. Do I think Miley was, as she now claims, manipulated into taking the pictures?
I seriously doubt it. In the magazine's interview she states her opinion regarding the photo shoot, "I think it's really artsy ... It wasn't in a skanky way." Now she
says after viewing the photos and reading the story she's embarrassed and she "never intended" for this to happen.
Uh-huh. In other words, "I'm so sorry that everybody now sees what a huge skank I am. I hope and pray that this doesn't send my Disney fans screaming for the hills.
Pleeeeeeeease keep spending your money of my CDs and concerts!" If there had been no uproar then we'd hear nothing about her supposed embarrassment. Isn't it convenient
how so many people are "sorry" after they're caught?
So was Miley also "manipulated" into saying that Sex and the City is her favorite show? Why on earth is a 15-year-old being allowed to watch Sex and the
City????
What's worse is that her parents gave the OK on the photos. Somebody needs to tell Bill Ray Cyrus' achy breaky mullet that he needs to learn how to watch out for his
kid. But hey, if the man can't even manage a decent haircut then how can we expect him to manage raising a show business child properly?
Now, the other side of this coin of blame, Ms. Annie Leibovitz, claims the photographs are "simple" and "beautiful." I'm sorry, Ms. Leibovitz, but what exactly is
simple and beautiful about a 15-year-old girl posing nearly topless for a magazine? Just in case her age isn't clear, let me reiterate - SHE'S FIFTEEN YEARS OLD!
Yes, Miley's parents should have been smart enough to turn down this photo shoot. Yes, her dad should have been man enough to say, "There's no way I'm gonna let my
little girl pose half naked and be ogled by dirty old men," but you, Ms. Leibovitz, should be ashamed for thinking a 15-year-old should be photographed in anything
but full clothing.
Seriously, who are you trying to titillate? Her pre-teen female fans don't care to see such photos. Mothers aren't going to look at a half-naked 15-year-old and
think, "Oh, how cute." So who in the world do you think this is going to appeal to? I'll tell you who - teenage boys with raging hormones
and pedophiles. Is that who Vanity Fair is selling magazines to nowadays? Congrats, Vanity Fair! Congratulations on drawing in the perverted teenage boy and
pedophile demographic! Hope you enjoy answering to God for that one.
*Johnny gives Vanity Fair a slow clap*
What is this world coming to?
Gary Coleman and Wife to Appear on TV Divorce Court
Unfortunately, an optimistic answer to my question above isn't found easily. You know why? Because divorce is entertaining! If man's going to put the institution
of marriage asunder then it might as well be on TV. Former Diff'rent Strokes star Gary Coleman doesn't have anything else to do these days, so he and his wife
will appear on reality legal show Divorce Court in an attempt to save their seven-month marriage. I better leave work right now and make sure to DVR that one!
Chances are good the couple should have never been married in the first place, but Coleman's wife says she can't put up with Coleman's temper anymore. "If he doesn't
get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does."
Well, that's probably because he's still the height of a five-year-old.
Coleman insists that his wife doesn't listen to him, and he has to do what it takes to get her attention, "If I have to throw something or break something, that's what's
going to happen."
A real class act, that guy. Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying the wife's innocent. She could be a gold digger, for all I know. Why else would a 22-year-old marry a
40-year-old actor who looks like he never reached puberty? You tell me. I'm just asking questions, not making accusations.
For the most part, Hollywood's a joke, folks. Unfortunately, it's not a very funny one.
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April 28, 2008
Sign of the Times - The Box Office
It should come as no surprise that this weekend's box office winners were two films that probably require a total of 12 brain cells to appreciate - Baby Mama
($18.3 million) and the Harold and Kumar sequel ($14.6 million). Obviously, Iron Man will dominate this weekend, but don't be surprised if Made of Honor
lands firmly in second. The girls who don't willingly go see Iron Man with their guys will likely be suckered into watching Patrick Dempsey play a maid of honor.
Unbelievable. Don't do it, ladies. You're better than this!
Mr. Brooks
Well, it took me 11 months, but I finally watched Mr. Brooks. For those of you who don't remember, Mr. Brooks is a psychological thriller that portrays Kevin
Costner as a successful "man of the year" businessman by day and a murder-addicted psycho by night. One evening, Dane Cook spies Costner committing a double murder, and
he bribes him into taking him along on his next kill ride. As you can probably guess, mayhem ensues.
Mr. Brooks will never be mistaken for a light-hearted feel-good film (unless your name is Charles Manson), but it's intense and delivers a punch square to the gut.
One scene in particular, about five minutes prior to the closing credits, caught me completely off guard and nearly popped me out of my recliner. It's scary to think there
are probably psychos out on the streets right now, just driving around, looking for random victims. That frightening thought is exactly what might make Mr. Brooks a
little too hard to watch for the easily squeamish.
How to Be Hilarious
My main squeeze and I were out running and biking at Shelby Farms on Saturday, and we had discussed the possibility of a return trip on Sunday. "There's a 50% chance of
rain tomorrow," Steph said, leading us both to believe that Sunday would most likely be spent indoors, watching something like Mr. Brooks.
Sure enough, it rained. Quite a bit. Never one to miss the opportunity to make a bad joke, I commented, "It looks like the weatherman was 50% right." "Huh?" was Steph's
reply. "Well, they said there was a 50% chance of rain, and it rained, so they were 50% right." She just slowly shook her head. "It's not supposed to be a hilarious
comment," I offered in my defense. "It's more of a commentary on the guessing game that weathermen play. I understand that it may be over some people's heads."
Well, later in the day we decided to go to Old Navy to see if we might be able to take advantage of the tax-free weekend. As we approached the store, I read a sign on
the door that stated, "50% Off Sale." "Uh-oh," said Steph, "Does this mean you're going to make another 50% joke?"
Why of course that's exactly what it meant! So I cleared my throat, stretched a little bit, and delivered a little improvisational magic, "A 50% Off sale? Well it's 100%
ON!"
Folks, that's what producing hilarity is all about. Your mind has to always be working, looking for every opportunity to bring out your creativity. Next time you see a sign
advertising "[fill in the blank] percent off" then just use my above line and you'll be the envy of all your friends. If they respond with blank stares and dumbfounded looks,
well, that just means they don't get your sophisticated brand of humor. The fault lies with them ... not you.
It's a philosophy that has served me well these past few years. Sell it with conviction, and YOU will be the one that'll appear to be a little smarter, a little funnier,
and just a little more put together than everybody else.
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April 25, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed
"This isn't a documentary about Darwinism vs. ID. If you're a proponent of Creationism or Intelligent Design, and you're looking for some material to help bolster
your debating tactics then you'll need to look elsewhere. This is a documentary about freedom. Nothing could be more American than allowing ID to be discussed in
the classroom. Sadly, highly-credentialed teachers and scientists are losing their jobs for daring to speak up on their findings. How can you not be outraged? It's
unconstitutional."
Click here to read Johnny's review of Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, as
narrated by Ben Stein.
DVD REVIEW: Lars and the Real Girl
"Well. That was weird. Original? Sure. But ... very weird. There's no way to talk about this movie without somebody laughing as you get deeper into the plot points.
My plot summary is completely accurate - this is a story about a guy who orders a plastic doll off the Internet (not for sex, but for a deep, meaningful relationship),
acts like she's real, and the townsfolk accept this. Yep, told you it was strange...
The general theme is we should all treat people with mental illnesses with compassion and acceptance. I agree, but I don't think we should allow them to
call 9-1-1 and have an ambulance rush their plastic girlfriend to the hospital. Guess I'm cold-hearted like that."
Click here to read Johnny's review of Lars and the Real Girl, starring
Ryan Gosling, Emily Mortimer, Paul Schneider, Kelli Garner, and Patricia Clarkson.
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April 24, 2008
DVD REVIEW: Day of the Dead (the "remake")
"I honestly don't think you can pick up the Day of the Dead DVD, look at the cover with a zombie vomiting, make the choice
to rent it, and then be shocked by the film's content. THE FILM STARS NICK CANNON AND FEATURES A VOMITING ZOMBIE ON THE COVER! If those two elements don't dissuade you from
wanting to watch this then chances are high you'll be entertained."
Click here to read Johnny's review of Day of the Dead, starring
Mena Suvari, uber-annoying Nick Cannon, and Ving Rhames.
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April 23, 2008
Johnny Is Still Alive
"Hey Johnny, is everything all right? You didn't update TMM yesterday, and I'll be honest - my day was a disaster because of it. Your wit, intellect, and charm are
sustenance to my daily walk. Please let all your adoring fans know that you're all right!"
Yes, dear readers, I'm quite fine. Just busy. Overhauling a 4-year-old website is NOT an overnight task, you know? Tell you what; I'll have a little free time tonight,
so I'll work on finishing three reviews before this week is over - Day of the Dead, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, and Lars and the Real Girl.
That's right; I received a DVD copy of Lars and the Real Girl, and I'll probably watch it tonight. If I recall correctly, the storyline revolves around Ryan
Gosling having a relationship with a blow-up doll? It sounds very weird, so I'm interested to see how it compares to what I'm expecting.
It was released on DVD yesterday, so I'll let you know if it's one you should consider renting this weekend.
Johnny Declares for the NBA Draft
Movie Mark webmaster and Internet legend Johnny Betts was in the process of filing paperwork Tuesday to enter the NBA draft, based on the fact that everybody on the Memphis
Tigers seems to be doing the same thing, despite the impossibility of some of them being drafted.
Betts will not hire an agent, thus retaining his NCAA eligibility. In the meantime, he will be able to work out for NBA teams, participate in the pre-draft camp, and get
feedback from pro personnel about his strengths and weaknesses.
Despite the fact that Betts graduated college a few years ago, he's hoping to take advantage of a new rule that allows underclassmen to work out for NBA teams and have
their travel expenses paid while still retaining their amateur status. "I never played basketball while I was in college, so technically I still have all my eligibility.
Chances are none of the NBA teams will pay for my travel or ask me to come try out for them, but I figured it's worth a shot. I'm currently putting together a video
package of all my church league highlights, including many great moments from a game a couple of weeks ago where I scored 14 points. Unfortunately, I've been told the
NBA doesn't have much use for a 6'2" white guy who never played college ball and who doesn't shoot 95% from the free throw line."
When reached for comment about Betts' decision to test the draft waters, Memphis Tigers head coach John Calipari asked, "Who?"
Liquid Plumr Gel Rules!
After about three straight days of showering ankle deep in water, I decided it was time to get some Draino and fix the problem. As most of you know, I have long, luxurious
locks, and sometimes that hair can get in the pipes and clog things up. I was skeptical that Draino would do the trick, but it was certainly my first recourse before
exploring a more expensive solution.
So I headed to Wal-Mart and went straight to the cleaning aisle. That's when I saw a product called Liquid Plumr Gel. It claimed to clean pipes quicker than Draino, and it
was almost half the price! I'm a savvy shopper, so I know that a lot of times we're paying for brand names rather than higher quality. The more commercialized a product;
the more expensive it's going to be. Its effectiveness isn't necessarily an element of the price. I figured I'd risk the $3+ on the Liquid Plumr Gel and run with it.
Got home, poured half the bottle down the shower drain, waited 15 minutes, flushed it with hot water, and VOILA! No more showering in ankle deep water! Draino may be the
better-known clog-eliminating product, but Liquid Plumr Gel worked perfectly and saved me at least two bucks. It must be black magic or something.
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April 21, 2008
Coming This Week
Unfortunately, none of this week's releases are being screened in the good ol' Memphis area. I did get invited to a Nashville screening of Baby Mama,
but I'm thinking I'll skip that 3-hour drive. I like Amy Poehler, but I really don't get the appeal of Tina Fey, and the trailers for the movie are less than spectacular.
In fact, some might go so far as to say craptacular.
I was hoping for a screening of the Hugh Jackman/Ewan McGregor thriller Deception. Oh well, at least I'll be screening Iron
Man next week, suckas!
So what am I gonna do this week? Just slack off and not post much? Well, that's pretty much what I do every week. But since I feel obligated to post something then
be on the lookout for reviews of Day of the Dead and Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. Other than that, I'll be doing a lot of behind-the-scenes work on the
site upgrades.
You'll thank me when it's all done.
"Really?"
Well, probably not, but I like to pretend. Hey, at least I'm serious about finally bringing the Movie Mark merchandise to fruition!
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April 18, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: The Forbidden Kingdom
"If you can get past the initial Karate Kid comparisons, Morgan Benoit's horrific acting (which is mercifully limited), and Michael Angarano's Shia LaBeouf impersonation
then you should have a blast. The audience that was fortunate enough to attend the screening with me absolutely loved it. As I was exiting the theater, I saw a
co-worker and his wife. He commented, 'Man, that was great! We agreed that we would've gladly paid to see it at the theater.' Another co-worker ran up to me, tears in
his eyes, thanking me profusely for the pass, and excitedly commented, 'If I had another hand I'd give it THREE thumbs up!' OK, so the 'tears in his eyes' crack may be
pushing it a bit, but his comment is legit. It's a crowd pleaser."
Click here to read Johnny's review of The Forbidden Kingdom, starring
Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Michael Angarano, and Yifei Liu.
"Bless you."
Thanks.
Check for my Day of the Dead DVD review on Monday.
"I thought you were going to review that today."
Well, I was, but I fell asleep watching the special features and didn't get it finished.
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April 17, 2008
Made of Honor - Seriously?
After returning home from last night's screening of The Forbidden Kingdom, I simply had to crash out in my recliner, in front of the TV, and catch up on a few of my
DVR'd shows. After all, my hands were tired from signing a couple hundred 8X10s, so I needed a rest. I usually fast forward through commercials, but there was a moment where
I was briefly distracted (I think I caught my reflection in the TV), and a trailer for a hideously ridiculous movie came on. Just like lead foots driving past a car crash, I
couldn't turn away.
Have you seen the trailer for Made of Honor? Yes, that is spelled correctly - Made of Honor. This delectable little bite of cinema gourmet stars Patrick
Dempsey as a guy in love with an engaged woman who asks him to be her maid of honor. That's easily one of the stupidest premises ever. Don't even bother arguing the point
with me because you would lose, and it would be embarrassing. And hey, why not follow that up with one of the stupidest taglines ever - An unbridaled comedy. Yeah.
That's clever.
A movie about a guy who's going to be a maid of honor. This is the type of film someone like Patrick Dempsey takes when he's decided to make the statement, "Hey guys, I
don't want to be taken seriously as an actor ever again! Thanks!" Unbelievable. Dempsey should be straight-up Betts-slapped for starring in this. Not that I expect
more from him. The bad thing is my girlfriend likes the guy. She watches Grey's Anatomy, and she thinks he's cute. So you know what this means? If there's a
screening then I'll be attending. I must admit there's a positive to that - I'm gonna need entries for my "Worst of 2008" list. Johnny Betts - always looking for silver
linings.
Now, if there is no free screening, then I'll have to insist this be a "girl's night out" flick. I wasn't forced to go see 27 Dresses, so I'm sure my sweetie will
understand if I collapse onto the floor, and beat my hands and feet on the ground crying, "I don't want to go! I don't want to go!"
Can anybody NOT figure out how this movie will end? Come on. I'm calling it right now - Dempsey agrees to be the maid of honor (because, I guess, he's MADE of honor *rolls
eyes*) and wants to impress chickie. He bungles a whole lot of stuff, gets involved in several pratfalls, and then wins her over. They fall in love, she calls off the
wedding, and she and McDreamy live happily ever after. There. I just saved you $9+ a pop. You're welcome.
Made of Honor. Wow. As if the "bad wedding movie" genre wasn't saturated enough. What's really sad is I know a whole bunch of girls who'll go see this, talk about
how cute it was, and I'll lose respect for every single one of them. See how really bad movies can put dents in friendships? It's tragic.
Coming Tomorrow
Reviews of The Forbidden Kingdom and Day of the Dead.
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April 16, 2008
LAST CALL: The Forbidden Kingdom Passes
I just called Malco Cordova, and they said they have a few passes left for tonight's screening of The Forbidden Kingdom. Keep in mind, the passes are at Cordova, but
the screening is at Paradiso.
"Um, Johnny? Why didn't you just drop the passes off at Paradiso?"
Because that would have been more inconvenient for me. Any other questions?
"Just one. When are all these so-called improvements and upgrades to the site going to come to fruition? You've been hinting at that for quite a while."
Yes, yes I have. But I'm actually working on all of that now. Before I was just kind of dropping hints to trick people into continually checking out the site. I figured
if I dangled the carrot of change in front of y'all then you'd keep coming back for more. But then my readership dropped from seven to six, so I figured I better actually
step it up and fulfill those promises.
It's going to be at least a couple of months, and then it will take even longer to transfer all of the old stuff into the new system, but it will be worth it in the long run.
At least I hope it will. Otherwise, that'll be one other thing that I'll have to chalk up as "colossal waste of time" on my ol' life resumé. Goodness knows I've logged plenty
of items under that file. After all, I watched way too many episodes of Mama's Family as a kid. But nah, it's gonna be good.
The Movie Mark revolution is coming, and things will never be the same again!"
"Wow, now you've got me really excited! Sounds like this will be amazing!"
Oh. Shoot. I think I might have overhyped it. Um, lower your expectations. Just think to yourself, "I'm sure it'll be the same ol' mediocre stuff Johnny usually spews
on us," and then you'll be pleasantly surprised when it's slightly above average.
The Movie Mark - going moderately above and beyond low expectations.
Hmm, sounds like I've got a new catchphrase!
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April 15, 2008
SCREENING: The Forbidden Kingdom
There's a screening tomorrow of the Jackie Chan/Jet Li film The Forbidden Kingdom. In case you didn't get the email I sent yesterday (which means you're not cool enough
to be on my mailing list), you can pick up your passes at the Malco Cordova Cinema. You may want to call and make sure passes are still available.
"What's their phone number, Johnny?"
I'm glad you asked, dear reader. They can be reached at 901-309-8550. Tell 'em Johnny sent you. They'll call security, but theater security is so old and obese that you'll
have plenty of time to grab a pass and get out of Dodge before trouble ensues.
Keep in mind that the screening is THIS WEDNESDAY at Paradiso at 7:30. If you possess the brain capacity to put 2 and 2 together then you should realize that means you need
to pick up your pass today or tomorrow.
Due to a promise I made to my sweetie to watch her basketball game, I will not be attending tonight's screening of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I will, however, be at
the screening of The Forbidden Kingdom, so feel free to ask for an autograph then.
Coming Within the Next Couple of Days
I'll be reviewing the Day of the Dead remake. I know you're bubbling with anticipation, but hold on just a wee bit longer. I'm slowly getting things back to
normal.
Thank You
I want to send a thank you to everybody who sent their condolences concerning my grandmother. Your support is much appreciated. If you sent me a personal email then I
will respond soon.
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April 11, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: Street Kings
"Anyway, Street Kings ain't half bad when it doesn't rely on Keanu Reeves talking a lot. When guns are being shot, cars
are running at high speeds, and the tension builds during confrontational moments that scream 'inevitable conflict!' then the proceedings are entertaining. If you can handle
the blood. Reeves is actually believable when he's called on to handle the action, but man, things slow down quite a bit when the movie laboriously explains the plot. I
took a quick nap during a particularly sagging middle act. No joke."
Click here to read Johnny's review of Street Kings, starring
Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, and Chris Evans.
FREE MOVIE SCREENING: Young @ Heart
I have 150 of these passes to give away so please get your friends and family to sign up. Thanks. In fact, if you sign up more than once I won't tell anybody.
When: Monday, April 28
Where: Malco Paradiso 7:30 PM
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Click here to sign up.
In Memoriam
Grandma
1923-2008
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April 10, 2008
Coming Tomorrow
Due to reasons mentioned on Monday, I just haven't had much time this week to concentrate on updating TMM. I assure you that things will get back to normal soon. Better yet,
a new design (with updated functionalities) is on the way! It might take a couple of more months, but it will be worth the wait. For tomorrow I'll do my best to post my
Street Kings review as well as a sign up for the upcoming screening of Young @ Heart. I've got 150 passes to give away so y'all better force friends and family
to sign up.
You know what? I also have a stack of passes for Wednesday's screening of The Forbidden Kingdom. Chances are I'll drop them off at a local theater (maybe half at Cordova
and half at Paradiso) and then let y'all swing by and pick them up if you want to attend the screening. Or I might make an appearance at a theater this weekend and hand out
passes while I autograph a few 8X10s. I'll let you know.
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April 8, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: The Ruins
"If you're a horror junkie then The Ruins is a genre entry that offers little in the way of originality. There's no breath
of fresh air here. Blood is spilled, people die in a variety of gruesome ways, and the filmmakers spend the majority of their time figuring out the best ways to make
audiences flinch and watch through squinted eyes. Even a little kid gets shot at point blank range. If that's all you're looking for, well, you'll be entertained.
There's one painful bone-breaking, leg-cutting-off sequence that I had to watch sideways and with furrowed brow. Much like a date with Rosie O'Donnell, it's not pretty,
and it'll make you squeamish if you aren't already. Bring the Pepto Bismol. Or, better yet, just go see something else."
Click here to read Johnny's review of The Ruins, starring
Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone, Shawn Ashmore, and Laura Ramsey.
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April 7, 2008
Moratorium Issued for The Ruins Review
Hey guys, this weekend was both tough and exhilarating. As elated as I am about my Memphis Tigers putting a massive beatdown on the UCLA Bruins to make it to tonight's national
championship game, it is with much greater sadness that I must report that my grandmother suffered a stroke. As you can imagine, my mind was simply not focused on finishing up
the review for The Ruins over the weekend. The next few days will be challenging, and I can make no guarantees regarding the frequency of updates.
I do plan on finishing the review soon, perhaps by tomorrow. It's OK though because I know none of you had plans to see the movie tonight anyway. Ya'll will be home cheering
my Tigers on to victory!
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April 4, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: Leatherheads
"I guess if you like weird, disjointed movies that have no semblance of cohesion and that walk with a pace as uneven as Heather Mills' lilt then
Leatherheads might be what you're looking for. As for me, I was never able to recover from my disappointment in the film's
multiple personality disorder. Is it a movie about 1925-era football? Is it a goofy, madcap Beverly Hillbillies wannabe? Is it a drama about one man's hyperbolized war
heroics? Is it a love story between two actors (Clooney and Zellweger) that possess very little chemistry? I don't know, and neither does the film. It attempts to be all
of the above and really doesn't succeed in any one genre, failing even worse in bringing it all together for a unified presentation."
Click here to read Johnny's review of Leatherheads, starring
George Clooney, Renée Zellweger, and John Krasinski.
The Ruins
I saw The Ruins last night - at 10:00 PM! Due to the late showing, I'm gonna save my review for Monday. I just haven't had time to finish it today. However, if you're
thinking of seeing it then I'll go ahead and tell you that it'd be in your best interest to wait for my review before making that leap. If you like typical, predictable, bloody
horror films then this has its share of intense, brutal moments. You'll definitely wince and close your eyes more than a couple of times.
But if you're a horror junkie then you've seen it all before, and I wouldn't make this anything more than a matinee. Or just wait for the rental.
Full, hilariously insightful review on Monday!
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April 3, 2008
Hollywood is Really, Really Boring Right Now
Wow, scanning the Internet for topical Hollywood stories to lampoon is quite the chore. Here's what counts as news these days:
- George Clooney laughing off reports that he'd be the godfather of Pitt and Jolie's upcoming baby.
- Tate Donovan getting a divorce.
- Oprah airing a TV special about her dead dog.
- Madonna sleeps with her cell phone.
Who on earth is interested in any of the above stories?!?!?! My gag reflex is set to "automatic" whenever I hear the names Clooney, Pitt, or Jolie. And Tate Donovan? Seriously?
That guy hasn't been relevant since ... um ... since ... *ahem* ... give me a second ... oh wait, he's NEVER been relevant! I'm not even going to comment on Oprah's continuing
self-indulgence. Man I wish she'd be involved in some huge scandal that would end her TV career.
Sorry, I'm sure there are plenty of people reading this who love Oprah, but her arrogant hypocrisy is fodder for another article on another day.
As for Madonna, well, at least it's now confirmed that she'll pretty much sleep with anything...
Coming Tomorrow...
I'll be reviewing Leatherheads, and trust me, you'll want to read the review before making a decision on whether or not to drop $9+ per ticket. There's also a chance
I'll offer a review of The Ruins. We'll see...
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April 2, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: Enchanted
"Being the macho man that I showcase myself to be, I wasn't about to go see this by myself.
Thankfully, Steph (for those of you who are wondering - this is a new Steph!) came into my life and gave me a good excuse to watch what most people can only describe as a fairy
tale chick flick. Once the movie finally hit the $2.50 theater, I was ready to treat my girl out to a hot night out on the town. Who knows, I might even get crazy and spring for
some half-priced popcorn and coke (I figured I'd wait a couple of months before forcing her to sneak in popcorn in her purse). But the Lord's grace shown brightly on us on that
flight from Jackson Hole to our stop-over in Cincinatti. And I have to admit, Enchanted was a cute, enjoyable way to spend half
of our time in the air."
Click here to read Johnny and Steph's dual review of Enchanted,
starring Amy Adams, Patrick Dempsey, James Marsden, and Susan Sarandon.
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April 1, 2008
Johnny Betts to Move to Hollywood...
The Mid-South community was rocked yesterday when local Internet hero and writing icon Johnny Betts announced that he's pulling up stakes and moving to Hollywood. "Well, first and foremost I plan to
chronicle my journey and turn it into a feature length documentary," said the wavy-haired conveyer of wit. "My first goal is to make it to Hollywood and find the Holy Grail of actors - Josh
Brolin. I've already helped catapult his career to the stratosphere, so what else is there to accomplish other than meeting the man?"
Laughing off the suggestion that he might be in peril of being labeled a stalker, Betts feels his journey will be viewed through a different lens. "No, no, I'm an artist. Film it, and then call it a
documentary, and it doesn't matter what the subject is - I'm automatically a filmmaker. There's a lot of creative license that comes along with that, and I'm looking forward to stretching those
boundaries."
Betts is certain he'll meet plenty of avid fans along the way. "I anticipate parades up and down the streets when my readers find out I'll be coming through their towns. Some of my fans will
probably then film themselves following me to Hollywood, so what we'll have is several documentaries within my documentary. This could be the single most unique film in the history of Hollywood.
I say that without stutter or exaggeration."
What exactly will Betts do when he arrives in Hollywood? If he meets Brolin then what is the next step? "Well, my journey is two-fold. Yes, first and foremost this is about capturing my
adventure. But I've also written a movie script with Josh in mind as the lead character. Upon meeting him, I plan to pitch the script and do my best to convince him to take the part. He once
said that he'd even do a student film if the writing was good. So I trust he'll stand by his word and accept my offer as the challenge he'll recognize it to be."
When asked for details about the movie's plot, Betts refuses to reveal too much. "I'm not quite ready to divulge much information yet. All I can tell you at the moment is that it's about a little
known piece of history, and it centers on Norwegian folk hero Loof Lirpa and his legendary journey to the mythical utopian city known as Ni Oy Ecaf."
Coming Tomorrow...
Finally, the long-awaited dual review of Enchanted! You're welcome.
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