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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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BREAKING NEWS - APRIL 2004April 30, 2004"I can't give 'Mean Girls' a full recommendation, but it's not one I would recommend avoiding either. I'd say just don't spend too much money on it or go out of your way to see it. Teenage girls and anybody familiar with the inner workings of high school cliques will probably enjoy it the most. It's not as drenched in biting sarcasm as it should be, but hey, at least it's not as fluffy as it could be either. Just don't expect a great movie with one aisle-rolling joke after another and you should at least have a pleasant, harmless time at the movies. Just watch out for the bus on your way home."Johnny Betts reviews "Mean Girls," starring Lindsay Lohan and Claudia from "Party of Five."Also, check out the new Movie Mark Rating Guide to see my new rating system for movies. Let me know what you think! April 29, 2004All right, it's time to give the page a little local flavor! One of the goals of the Movie Mark is to let people who live in Memphis or who are visiting Memphis know which theaters are the best to see a movie. And if you plan on eating before or after the movie then my theater reviews give you the best options. If you don't live in Memphis, then check out the section anyway. You might find my take on various restaurants to be somewhat entertaining. Or not.Today I review the Paradiso. April 27, 2004Upcoming Movies - The VillageI must say I'm really looking forward to the movie. So is Mr. Shade. Stephanie thinks he looks like Joaquin Phoenix (the lead in the movie), so he's hoping people will see him at the screening and say, "Hey, you look like Joaquin Phoenix!" Unlike me, the guy's such an attention hound. Nevermind the time I wore a sign that read, "No, I'm not John Cusack, but thanks for asking." April 26, 2004When Life Becomes an Adam Sandler Movie"Cops Wail on a 71-year-old Woman" Unbelievable. Sorry, but you're gonna have a hard time convincing me that the only way to subdue A 71-YEAR-OLD BLIND WOMAN is by kicking her, pepper spraying her, tasing her, and knocking out her prosthetic eye. She's old! She's blind! She was alone! How did she know those guys weren't there to rob her or pull some sort of fraud? And one of the cops kicked her because she kicked him? Is the cop in 1st grade? Yeah, that'd go over real well with my parents. "Johnny! Your grandmother said you kicked her!" "That's right. She kicked me first, so I kicked her harder." "Oh, OK, sorry for bothering you son." Don't think so. This is just one of the most bizarre cases I've ever heard. And in case you're wondering, yes, I do have a way to tie all of this into the movies! Rumor has it, although I haven't confirmed it, that the city employee who showed up at her house looked just like Ben Stiller from "Happy Gilmore." Apparently he told the old woman that *she* was gonna have to remove the shrubs herself and that her back was gonna hurt because she'd just "pulled landscaping duty." When he served her with the administrative search warrant, she asked if she could trouble him to read the warrant to her and he responded that she could trouble him for a warm glass of shut-the-[heck]-up. She tried to resist, and well, you now know the rest of the story. Sad, so sad. I'll end with a quote from the woman's lawyer: "To kick the crap out of old folks seems a little bit much to me in the name of law enforcement." Try as I might, that's a statement I really can't argue with. April 23, 2004The American Idol ControversyI'll admit, I've been watching "American Idol." Well, I record it and then fast forward through all the fluff, commercials, and Ryan Cheesecrest self-aggrandizement. But I know all about the contestants, and I certainly know about this past week's so-called "controversy." In case you have no clue what I'm talking about, let me briefly explain: Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia Barrino, and La Toya London received the most lavish praise from the judges this past Tuesday. Weeeeeeeell, those three gals ended up receiving the least amount of votes, and Hudson was voted off. Now a bunch of their fans are crying and claiming that the voting is rigged. Others are trying to blame racism. Never mind the fact that George Huff (a young black male) and Jasmine Trias (a young Hawaiian female) finished in the top three. If there are any rigging attempts going on, it's at the hands of the judges. They obviously have their favorites, and they word their comments about contestants in such ways to try to influence the vote. For example, I like Simon Cowell for the most part, but he has said many times that he thinks La Toya London is the best singer in the competition. She's clearly his favorite. So what did he do when she did a less-than-impressive, out-of-breath rendition of Garth Brooks' "Ain't Goin' Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)" a few weeks ago? He lavished praise on her, of course. And what is the purpose of him telling John Stevens that he looks like Stan Laurel? If he had said "Conan O'Brien" then I would've agreed, but what purpose does it serve other than to try to make him look bad and get America to vote the kid off? It worked when he said Amy Adams looked like Jay Leno, so I guess he figured he'd give it another shot. When is somebody going to finally have the guts to stand up and tell Simon that he looks like a heavier version of Alan Thicke? And why was Fantasia Barrino allowed to haul her kid out there as a prop to receive more votes? THAT'S NOT FAIR! Is she gonna bring a puppy and some sunshine out there next week? It's obvious that the show wants Fantasia in the competition as long as possible, and hey, if letting her bring her daughter on stage will pick up a few more votes then it's all good! I think John Stevens should bring a handicapped kid out on stage with him and have the kid plead for America to vote for Stevens. He could even say that the only way for him to have a successful surgery is for Stevens to win. Would that be fair? Personally, I think America is sick of the judges telling us how great the "three Divas" are. Maybe America is finally getting tired of the whole "diva" attitude. Ever stopped to think about that? As soon as Hudson said she was now in "Jenny's World," I rolled my eyes and said, "I can't wait for Jenny's world to come crashing down." Regarding Fantasia, I just don't get her appeal. Can she sing? Sure, but I personally don't like her voice, and her personality is ANNOYING! I can't take anymore of her bouncing around and talking about her "bobo," whatever that is. I know the judges don't want to hear it, but maybe the majority of America is like me and doesn't see the appeal either. I love watching the judges hem haw around, begging America to vote for THEIR favorites. As far as I'm concerned, the judges had a huge hand in who made the final 12, so now they have to live with whatever consequences America's voting brings. It doesn't matter too much to me who wins because there's not a person in the group whose CD I'd buy. I'd prefer Jasmine to win because I think she's cute (yep, that's my criteria), but I think it'd be pretty hilarious if John Stevens pulled it off. I admit I'm not a fan of the guy. He's a 16-year-old kid who looks a little like Conan O'Brien and who looks absolutely shell-shocked every single week. His wide-eyed looks say, "I cannot believe I'm still in this competition" and it cracks me up. The guy has the personality of my left shoe, and I think I've slipped into three separate comas during his performances. But he seems like a nice guy, and I feel sorry for the kid. The judges totally bash him every week, and now Simon is making fun of his appearance. But he keeps going out there performing in front of millions of people and taking the judges' ridicule with ease. You know, America likes underdogs, and maybe he's getting the sympathy vote. Fine with me. I have no vested interest in any of the candidates, so if people want to vote for John Stevens then so be it. If it causes the judges to sleep a little uneasy at night then I'm all for it. I won't buy the kid's CD, but I'll wish him the best of luck. They keep saying that this is the "greatest talent show in the world," and that it's not a popularity contest. Um, yeah it is. If it was all about the singing then why was the model chick (Lisa) able to screech her way into the final 32? Because the judges knew they needed some pretty faces on the show. Sorry judges, but this show is called "American Idol" not "America's Most Talented." Voters are gonna choose the people they like, and hey, so be it. I don't care if more talented singers get voted off. Why? Because there are plenty of talented people in America who don't get the opportunity that these kids are getting. So the "three Divas" can sing. So what? Southern churches are filled with plenty of people like that every Sunday morning. Good singers aren't as hard to come by as you might be led to believe. Unique voices, however, are much harder to find. Where's the real talent? Can any of these folks play any instruments? Can they write really, really good songs? Many musicians, Todd Snider and Cory Branan for example, may not technically be the greatest singers in the world, but their actual talent runs circles around anybody on AI. But real talent doesn't always get exposure on a grand scale. Real talent doesn't always have the luxury of a one-hour advertisement on Fox. That's why I laughed when Cheesecrest said, "America, don't forget you have to vote for the talent. You have to keep your favorites in the competition." Hey Ryan, I'd say if a person gets the least amount of votes then they're probably not considered a "favorite." Besides, I have a real problem taking talent advice from somebody who played bass in Journey and whose vocabulary consists of "ai'ght," "dawg," and "pitchy," somebody who danced with an animated cat called MC Skat Kat, and somebody who walks around with a constant 2-day beard growth saying "Seacrest Out." If only we could actually VOTE Seacrest out... This is just my opinion, you could be wrong. April 22, 200413 Going on 30
Well, I don't know if I'm running low on testosterone or what, but I actually enjoyed
"13 Going on 30." That's right, I'm man enough to admit it! Ms. Cali
enjoyed it as well. Her gist is:"'13 Going On 30' is a light, heartwarming romantic comedy that actually manages to have some genuine comedy. If you're looking for a movie that doesn't require you to have to think about the plot and you don't mind the generic, formulaic ending, you'll probably like this movie. My boyfriend even liked it, so it's a good date movie too. Otherwise, you'll probably want to save yourself the $11 per ticket that I paid and wait until it comes out on DVD. The first half is definitely funny enough to make it worth the rental price."There's your female opinion. And now allow me to introduce my very masculine opinion:"If you're looking for a spine-tingling, mind-puzzling romp through uncharted waters then you'll want to look elsewhere. But if you're interested in a cute romantic comedy with a few laughs and convincing performances that rises above the typical 'teenage comedy,' (and has a little 80s nostalgia to boot) then give '13 Going on 30' a try."What are you waiting on? Go read our exciting, dual review of "13 Going on 30," starring Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo.April 21, 2004The Long-Awaited Review of "Timeline"
"The archaeology students were lucky enough to have it explained to them that they would experience 'two seconds of intense pain' during the time travel process. Well, I'm giving you the courtesy of warning you that if you choose to rent 'Timeline,' then you can expect to experience 'two HOURS of intense pain.' It's a warning I wish someone had given me."All right, Bett-heads, you asked for it, I've hyped it, and now I'm finally delivering it. I'm sure it'll be a huge letdown though, so I apologize in advance. I present to you my less-than-flattering review of "Timeline."April 20, 2004Would Johnny Ever Review "Ella Enchanted"?Welp, my good friend, Ms. Ang, is a big Cary Elwes mark, and she wanted to see it. She also wanted to know if she could write a review of the movie if she went and saw it. I figured, hey, if you have the nerve to actually say to another human being, "Two for 'Ella Enchanted,' please" and then lay down over $10 to sit through an hour and a half of Anne Hathaway spinning roundhouses, then you deserve a shot at the review. Plus, that's about the only way it'd ever get reviewed on this site. Much to my surprise, Ms. Ang liked the movie. And considering that probably 90% of my current audience is female, this review may come in handy for a lot of you readers. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Ang reviews "Ella Enchanted." Coming in the next day or two ... Ms. Cali's review of "13 Going on 30," starring Jennifer Garner. I'm supposed to see a screening tonight, so I may add some comments, but this is a movie begging for a female's opinion. Maybe Stephanie will say a few things as well. Maybe Stephanie, Ms. Cali, and Ms. Ang will agree to participate in the first ever Movie Mark Cat Fight. Maybe I should get back to my real job now. April 16, 2004
"Vol. 1 had more action, more gore, and more fighting. 'Kill Bill: Vol. 2' has more purpose, more story, and more character development. Pacing can be considered either slow or derivative, depending on your style. If you're looking for a fast-paced, cartoonish gorefest like Vol. 1 then you'll be disappointed. But if you're looking for good storytelling with a nice mixture of shocking visuals, fight scenes, and humor, then Vol. 2 should fill the bill. What? Oh come on, the pun was unintentional. I promise!"Johnny reviews "Kill Bill: Vol. 2," starring Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Michael Madsen, and Daryl Hannah.As some of you may know, and as most of you probably don't care, the stinker known as "Timeline" was released on DVD this week. Check back either later today or on Saturday for my scathing review. April 14, 2004Uncomfortable Moments in Betts Family Movie HistoryAmber: Oooh, John Cusack is in that. He's hot! Especially for an older guy. *I glanced at Stephanie and smirked* Amber: What? Why are you looking at Stephanie like that? Johnny: Do you know how many people have told me I look like a young John Cusack? Amber: What?? Nunh-unh! Steph: It's true. Johnny: Yeah, I've had at least 5 people tell me that, including two complete strangers at Burger King and McDonald's. Amber: NOOOO!!! MAN! Now I can't like John Cusack anymore! Steph: Amber thinks Johnny's hot! Amber thinks Johnny's hot! That's sick, you know that, Amber? Amber: Leave me alone! I never associated Johnny with John Cusack! Johnny: Man you're a freak. Amber: MAAAAAN! Why did you have to tell me that?!?!?! Thank you, this has been an edition of ... Uncomfortable Moments in Betts Family Movie History. April 12, 2004"The Alamo" Bombs and Disney is Surprised?If you'll recall, in "The Alamo" review I did with Ms. Cali, I expressed dismay over the fact that there was no scene involving Lt. Col. Travis drawing a line in the sand. Ms. Cali emailed me and said that scene was actually in the version of the movie she saw months ago. She went on to say that it sounded like they cut out a LOT of what made the film so emotional for her. Good job, Disney, on yet another job ... done. April 10, 2004"Why use your intelligence or hard work to solve a problem when you can fall back on the old "sex sells" 'The Girl Next Door' asks. Well, why spend your hard-earned money on this movie and prove them right, is what I ask. And don't call me a prude. We're talking about a movie that wants its intended teen audience to think that the porn industry offers some viable after-school career options. It doesn't take a preacher or an episode of '7th Heaven' to realize that message is a bit problematic."Johnny reviews "The Girl Next Door," Emile Hirsch, Elisha Cuthbert, and Timothy Olyphant.April 9, 2004Johnny says:"Overall, I enjoyed 'The Alamo,' especially when the fighting started. I'm just disappointed that it didn't leave me feeling as charged up and patriotic as something like Mel Gibson's 'The Patriot.' If you have no interest or knowledge in the history of the Alamo, then I fear that this movie will not give you a satisfactory reason as to why so many men were willing to die, and you might find yourself asking why *you* should be willing to invest your interest in the movie."While Ms. Cali says:"I said when I originally saw 'The Alamo' that it was the best movie I’d seen that entire year, and I’m going to stick with that. The story is well told, the acting is superb, and the quality of the movie is much higher than most of the movies that are made these days. I give it two thumbs up. So the next time you are trying to decide what movie you want to see, remember The Alamo!Ms. Cali and Johnny Betts review "The Alamo," starring Billy Bob Thornton, Patrick Wilson, Dennis Quaid, and Jason Patric.April 7, 2004God's Working the Slot Machines?Don't get me wrong, I personally believe in divine intervention. However, I have some serious doubts that God was hanging out at an Atlantic City casino making sure JENNIFER LOPEZ' MOM won a $2.4 million jackpot. Trust me, Ms. Lopez, God neither needs nor wants to take credit for that one. I will give Him props for your daughter's booty though. April 6, 2004Diamonds are Forever? Or Just For Sale?Don't feel too sorry for Alec though. The boy's eatin' healthy and should soon claim Daniel's title of "the fat Baldwin." April 5, 2004An Interview With ... Ed SpielmanSo, "Hellboy" topped the charts this week. I predict that it'll suffer a huge drop-off next weekend. Word of mouth isn't very strong, and if you read my review you'll understand why. April 2, 2004"If you like slow-paced comic book movies that lack any sort of depth, action, or character development, then 'Hellboy' might be the movie for you. I'm sure the fanboys will find something to like in the movie, but those unfamiliar with the comic book (i.e. most everybody) should save their money for something else. If you insist on going, then take a pillow, and I dare you to get the image of 'Ted Danson as Hellboy' out of your head."Johnny gives "Hellboy," starring Ron Perlman and Selma Blair, a direct punch to the gut. And rightfully so."If you like the Rock and/or old-school action movies that don't rely on a plethora of CGI and special effects, then I recommend 'Walking Tall.' Just don't expect much more than bad guys getting exactly what they deserve. But don't we all love to see a little of that at times? Add in some funny and crazy antics by Johnny Knoxville, and you've got a fun, entertaining movie that's sure to please."Johnny Betts defies the critics and gives a flattering review of "Walking Tall," starring the Rock and Johnny Knoxville.April 1, 2004Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I absolutely loved "The Prince and Me." It's one of the most intelligent, believable, and innocently profound fairy tales I have ever seen in my life. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah right. APRIL FOOLS!"'The Prince and Me' is the type of lame, fairy tale movie that I just can't stomach. Instead of portraying itself as a 'fantasy,' it's a movie that takes itself seriously and expects the audience to do so as well. Females who love lame, cheesy fairy tales that are far less believable than "Chasing Liberty" might enjoy this, but ladies, please don't drag your fellas along. This is solely a 'chick flick,' and there's really nothing for your man to enjoy here. I warn you, if you force him to go, you'll hear about it for a LONG time, and you will owe him. You will owe him BIG."Check out Johnny totally kicking "The Prince and Me" (starring Julia Stiles and Luke Mably) straight in the butt. |
HOME PAGE  Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed  Weekend Results: 1. The Dark Knight($158,411,483) 2. Mamma Mia!($27,751,240) 3. Hancock($14,040,178) 4. Journey to the Center of the Earth($12,340,435) 5. Hellboy 2($10,117,815) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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