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BREAKING NEWS - AUGUST 2004August 31, 2004Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
"My biggest complaint is that Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid wasn't cheesy ENOUGH! If you're gonna be bad, then go as far out on the cheesy limb as you can go! Instead of a blood orchid, their research should've discovered a rare, Indonesian banana that held the secret to long life. Then once it was discovered the anacondas were eating these things and living forever, one of the bad actors could've deadpanned, 'What are these things? Bananacondas?' BWAHAHAHAHA! Man, I really need to start writing screenplays for intentionally bad movies."Come on, I know you're trying to find a way to waste time at work, so what better way to do that than reading Johnny Betts' award-winning review of Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid? Hmm, instead of answering that, you should probably just read the review.Feel free to discuss this review and more in the Movie Mark Forum. August 30, 2004Hero
Hero surprised everybody by Bonnie Tylering its way to the top of the
weekend box office. I didn't see the movie, but Ms. Cali did, and she rather enjoyed it. Here's the gist:
"Hero is a highly stylized, visually stunning movie in the same genre as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. While it does rely a bit too much on the same visual effects of CT,HD, it's definitely a film to be appreciated on its own merit."Check out Ms. Cali's full review of Jet Li's Hero.Sometime tonight I'll be posting my review of Anacondas, and I'll let you know exactly why it didn't grab the top slot at the box office. Oh how I'll let you know. This is gonna be fun. August 27, 2004Suspect Zero
"If you're in the mood for a thriller, then Suspect Zero will keep your interest just as long as you realize this isn't gonna turn the thriller genre upside down. If you're on the fence with this one, then catch a matinee or just wait until it's at a second-run theater. Keep in mind: the shorter your attention span, the less likely you are to enjoy it."Johnny Betts reviews Suspect Zero, starring Aaron Eckhart's chin and Ben Kingsley's bald head.Feel free to discuss this review and more in THE LOBBY! August 26, 2004DVD Pick of the Week
Highwaymen, starring Jim Caviezel and the gorgeous Rhona Mitra, was released on DVD this week. I'm a
fan of both Caviezel and Mitra, so I was none-too-pleased when this movie opened in limited release and never
made it to the BBQ-soaked screens of Memphis. Here's the plot:Rennie Cray (Caviezel) embarks on a bloodthirsty rampage to avenge the death of his wife who was struck down by a serial killer - a man who hunts and kills women using his '72 El Dorado. I know, it doesn't exactly sound like an award-winning plot, but I've read that it's just a good, old-fashioned action revenge flick. And don't we all need one of those every now and then? I'll definitely be checking it out. I'm just glad the DVD box doesn't have some sort of quote like, "His PASSION led him to vengeance." I'm sure it wasn't for the lack of trying. August 25, 2004We ended up seeing Suspect Zero. It was pretty good. It didn't completely blow me away, but I enjoyed it. The review will be ready soon. That means Anacondas will have to wait. That's fine with me. It's the type of movie that would be made less enjoyable by a packed audience that would be screaming and laughing the whole time.Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Anacondas is gonna be a great movie. After all, one of the lead actors is named Morris Chestnut. Come on, Morris Chestnut? I thought that was a brand of chewing tobacco. If you want my opinion, I think they should've capitalized on the current "versus" sequel trend. They could've dug up Harrison Ford (it's been four years since the guy had a hit), given him the Jack Ryan moniker again, and given *us* Jack Ryan Vs. Anaconda: The Hunt for the Blood Red Orchid in October. Thank you, thank you. Ford could've cracked off some awesome lines. For example, after a harrowing scene where he races away from the anaconda, he'd remark, "Well, you can forget your troubles with those Amazon snakes. I told you I'd outrun 'em." Then after nobody responded he'd deadpan, "Don't everyone thank me at once." Would've been awesome. He could've also put some young punk in his place with, "Traveling through the Amazon ain't like dusting crops, boy." Then he could've looked into the camera and winked. I totally should be writing screenplays. August 24, 2004
Well, as of right now I'm all set to attend a screening tonight of Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.
Is it just me, or does that sound like a Tom Clancy novel that went painfully wrong? In case you're wondering,
Anacondas is the sequel to the 1997 Jennifer Lopez vehicle, Anaconda. Lopez isn't on board for
this movie though. Neither is anybody else you might have heard of.Plans could change though. There's also supposed to be a screening of Suspect Zero tonight. It looks pretty interesting - a serial killer is hunting other serial killers. Sounds messed up enough to keep my attention! I'll let you know what happens. August 23, 2004Star Wars Episodes 7-9??
According to TheForce.net, employees at George Lucas's company
Industrial Light and Magic (ILM) have been required to sign non-disclosure agreements, promising not to discuss
anything regarding Episodes 7-9. As many of you may know, the original concept of Star Wars was to contain 9
episodes. But a couple of years ago, Lucas claimed he had no desire to film Episodes 7-9. Has he changed his
mind? I hope so; especially since it's highly unlikely Lucas' ultra cool beard can find a way to fit Jar Jar Binks
in the storyline.Note to Lucas: GIVE US A MASSIVE BATTLE SCENE WITH WOOKIES!!!!! It's not a lot to ask. You should've used Wookies instead of Gaywoks in Return of the Jedi, but nooooo. But I'm willing to give you another chance to make things right. Oh, and cast Josh Brolin as a Han Solo-type character and all will be right in the world. August 20, 2004Exorcist: The Beginning
"If you're easily repulsed, then avoid it. But if you're really in need of a horror fix, then Exorcist: The Beginning should satisfy. Guys, this is the perfect movie to take your gal to, especially if she's a little skittish. She'll be grabbing your arm as if it's Johnny Betts' arm, but I'm afraid she'll be able to easily tell the difference. Don't take it personally though.Johnny Betts reviews Exorcist: The Beginning, starring Stellan Skarsgård. Feel free to register to the brand new Movie Mark Forum, aka The Lobby, and tell Johnny how hilarious the review is.August 19, 2004Open Water
Hey folks, you know how a lot of critics and journalists LOVE to use puns with movie titles because they think
they're so witty and clever and we'll bow before them and beg for them to impart some of their infinite wisdom
on us? Well, I'm gonna give it a shot in my little Open Water blurb. So consider this a mockery more than
anything...The water is rising! After swimming in the shallow waters of limited release, Open Water will crash onto nearly 2500 screens this weekend. It faces a tidal wave of competition with Without a Paddle and Exorcist: The Beginning opening and Alien Vs. Predator still performing strongly. Will Open Water sink or swim at the box office? It does have one thing going for it - its hype engine is trolling along smoothly. Most critics seem to love it. I must admit, that I found the trailer quite intriguing. But since a screening at 10:00 AM on a Friday morning wasn't exactly convenient for me (I've gotta work, ya know), I have not had a chance to see the movie myself. But I do have an inside source or two. My informant told me that after watching the trailer she went into the movie expecting Jaws but was quite disappointed when she realized that she was watching the equivalent of a documentary of two people stuck in the middle of the ocean. She said sharks and scares are kept to a minimum, and the movie is basically a message to remind people, "Hey, make sure you know where your boat is if you go scuba diving!" My informant went on to tell me that the majority of the people at the screening were also disappointed and didn't get what they expected. Like I said, I can't judge for myself since I haven't seen it. But I was scared this might be the case. Does everybody remember the last time an independent horror film was hyped this much? It was a little thing called The Blair Witch Project. The hype surrounding it had me convinced that I was going to die of fear right in the middle of the theater. I brought an extra pair of boxer briefs and jeans just to be safe. What I should've brought was a pillow and some earplugs. If I want to hear people bickering for an hour and a half over a stupid map then I'll go on vacation with my family. Oh sure, the last 5-10 minutes of the movie were cool. Bravo. But the rest of the movie consisted of us following a bunch of unlikable crybabies around until we were eventually praying for the witch to come take 'em out. Will audiences accept Open Water with open arms? Or will the hype die down and leave it treading water? Thank you, thank you. So how'd I do? Just like a real journalist, huh? August 18, 2004PD:2, Exorcist, Corey Feldman
"C’mon, what do you REALLY expect? It’s a sequel - if you liked the first one, you’ll like the second. Fun, entertaining, touching, some Disney cheese thrown in for the kiddos, and the always adorable Anne Hathaway. I wouldn’t say there was a "twist" in the end, but the plot did resolve itself in an unexpected way. The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement is good for kids, pre-teens and teens, and dorks like me with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon."MS. ANG (pronounced with a soft 'g') reviews The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, starring Anne Hathaway. Did you catch that? Please note, it is MS. ANG that is giving PD:2 a good review. MS. ANG! Are we clear? NOT Johnny Betts. Johnny Betts wants to make sure his man card stays firmly in his wallet on this one.Coming up... I'll be seeing a screening of Exorcist: The Beginning on Thursday, so stay tuned for that review. Be looking for my upcoming article on Corey Feldman. Warning: If you're a fan of Corey's, then you won't be too happy. The guy takes himself way more seriously than he should, and I've decided to call him out. Hey, I might even be able to force a rivalry out of the guy. Should be interesting to see how it plays out. I'll at least be happy if I can cause some of his fans to come to his defense on the BRAND NEW MOVIE MARK FORUM! Which, of course, you can register to by going HERE! Those of you who have been begging me to really rip on somebody are gonna get your wish. It's gonna be fun. Sorry Corey, but the ride's over. You may go home now. August 17, 2004Without a Paddle
"Unless you were shocked by the ending of Twisted, then it should come as no surprise to you that a lot about Without a Paddle is silly and ludicrous. But everybody involved is aware of that, and that's what makes the movie so fun. This is a movie about three guys approaching 30 who have one last chance to toss aside all their worldly cares and be kids again. The mayhem and hijinks that ensue are what makes their trip and the movie worthwhile. Call your buddies, sneak in some snacks, leave your 'How to Overanalyze a Plot' book at home, and enjoy Without a Paddle."Johnny Betts reviews Without a Paddle, starring Seth Green, Matthew Lillard, and Dax Shepard.Don't forget to register to the brand new Movie Mark forum so you can discuss the movie, my review, or whatever. Oh, and I know the movie's probably almost off the big screen, but here's Mr. Shade's review of Napoleon Dynamite. Shade gave me the review a couple of weeks ago, so I take full responsibility for it being tardy. Josh Brolin and Diane Lane Get Married!August 16, 2004THE FORUM IS LIVE!And no, your eyes don't deceive you. I have updated the front page a little, and there will be some more slight redesigns later in the week. Pretty exciting, huh? Yeah, I didn't think so. Coming this week I'll have exciting and sidesplitting reviews of Without a Paddle and Exorcist: The Beginning. Please, contain your excitement. In the meantime GO CHECK OUT THE MOVIE MARK FORUM! Let me know what you think. August 13, 2004Alien Vs. Predator
"Do you love movies that are filmed in a lot of dark locations with a lot of spooky music playing in the background all while characters are walking around slowly? Does this scare you and keep you entertained no matter how simplistic and silly the plot is? If so, then Alien Vs. Predator should keep you entertained. However, if you're expecting this to just completely blow your mind then I recommend lowering the bar of your expectations before entering the theater and try not to sob too much over the missed opportunities."August 12, 2004Damon the Hero?August 11, 2004I saw John Fogerty in concert this past Sunday in Houston, and I've gotta give the old man credit, he can still rock. He needs to ditch the hair dryer though. The opening band was great as well - Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers. I'd never heard of them before, but after seeing them live I was compelled to buy their new CD, Americano. Check 'em out. Roger Clyne used to be the frontman for the Refreshments, and he wrote the theme song for King of the Hill.What does this have to do with movies? Not much. But I was so busy tonight listening to various Roger Clyne mp3s that I never got around to writing some of the movie articles I had in mind. Sorry about that. Coming in the near future I plan on discussing the following: 1) Halle Berry's inexplicable desire to do a Catwoman sequel 2) Why Matt Damon's not actually a real-life hero 3) Why Corey Feldman needs to just go away Stay tuned, it'll be worth it. I hope. August 10, 2004My Own Private NightmareAugust 6, 2004
"Just like he did with Heat way back in 1995, Mann has created another stylish, engrossing thriller. If you like tension, sharp dialogue, and great interaction between adversaries then Collateral is a must-see. Just make sure you can handle a little in-your-face violence, and please be willing to forgive the climax. The rest of the ride is well worth it."Johnny Betts reviews Collateral, starring Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx. There's no denying that Cruise looks absolutely silly with fake gray hair (Richard Gere wasn't available?), but if I was able to get past it then so can you.
"Little Black Book is the kind of movie that teenage girls, guys who adore Brittany Murphy, Carly Simon fans, and fans of cutesy, fluffy romantic comedies will enjoy. Keep in mind that this is somewhat light on the romance though. Make it a matinee, and if you're on the fence then it can wait for a rental."Johnny Betts reviews Little Black Book, starring Brittany Murphy and Ron Livingston (the dude from Office Space). Coming later today ... Johnny's review of Collateral.August 4, 2004The Village
Ms. Cali: "The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the
oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." H.P. LovecraftI believe that sums up The Village perfectly. Johnny: The thing I like about M. Night's movies is that going in you know there is gonna be some sort of a puzzle. You can sit back and watch the pieces fall into place, or you can try to solve everything yourself. The Village isn't the most tightly constructed puzzle that Night has assembled, but it never failed to keep me in suspense and entertained. Johnny and Ms. Cali review The Village, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Bryce Dallas Howard. August 3, 2004Into the WestWell, as long as Ms. Cali is doing the reviewing. I doubt I would've rented the original. If it came on TV then I might have watched it and reviewed it. Don't worry; I'll let you know when my fan base is big enough for me to care a little more. Until then, you'll have to deal with my laziness and miserly ways. Now for some big news ... JOSH BROLIN IS GONNA BE IN A NEW WESTERN! It's a 12-hour miniseries for TNT called Into the West, and get this, Steven Spielberg is gonna be the executive producer. This is a big opportunity for Josh. What makes it even more exciting for me is Simon Wincer, the director of Lonesome Dove, is gonna direct one of the 6 2-hour episodes. Josh plays a mountain man and pioneer named Jedediah. The series will also star Keri Russell (Felicity) as Naomi, Matthew Settle (Band of Brothers) as Jacob Wheeler, and Skeet Ulrich (Johnny Depp look-alike) as Jethro Wheeler. Jedediah, Jacob, and Jethro, huh? Not sure if there's gonna be a bad guy named Scarface Jones or not. I'll keep you updated. The series will follow a white family and an Indian family through the start of the West in the 19th century. Look for it to air in the Summer of 2005. Don't worry if you forget because I'll be talking about it often. Go ahead and start saving up for that DVD recorder NOW! |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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