 |
|||||||||||||||||||
| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
|
||||||||||||||||||
|
BREAKING NEWS - AUGUST 2005August 31, 2005Movie Mark Original #8Tagline: The Gladiator Who Defied an Empire ... by Time Traveling Cast: Dolph Lundgren Synopsis: Despite the emperor's decree that a recently discovered time travel machine is NOT to be used, the well-known Roman Centurion - Maximus (Lundgren) - decides to defy the emperor and see what the future has to offer. After traveling to modern times, Maximus finds himself in a beat up old Ford, traveling down a rural road. What transpires is a journey of epic proportions where Maximus must learn a new way of life and a new way of dealing with people. The real twist occurs when Maximus comes face to face with the fact that the things we do in life really DO echo in eternity. Poor Sharon StoneUm, Ms. Stone? 10 years ago called and it wants its conversation with Lana Turner back. Assuming that conversation did happen, I have a strong feeling that Ms. Turner's comments were a combination of being polite and the fact that Sharon Stone's acting career wasn't yet a complete joke. Hmm, Catherine Zeta-Jones or Sharon "Star of Catwoman" Stone... yeah, real tough choice there. Stone then poetically added, "Lana really rocked." Rumor has it that Stone then immediately went back to her continuing efforts to convince people she's never had a facelift. August 30, 2005What's Wrong With DVD Makers?On DVD this Week: Sahara
"Sahara has a lot going for it - humor, explosions, gunfire, lots of things that go boom, and a couple of charming lead characters. Unfortunately, it's missing an immersive, gripping story to really pull you in and hold your interest. There are times, particularly in the middle (aka Sahara Snoozefest 2005), where the action comes to a halt, and a lot of pointless characters say a lot of boring stuff in order to attempt to flesh out a story that just isn't there."Special Features:
August 29, 2005The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #8
Coming This WeekAugust 26, 2005Review: The Brothers Grimm
"Do things get a little goofy, a little cartoonish, and a little over-the-top at times? Of course! It's directed by the only American-born actor from Monty Python, so what else are you expecting? If you're willing to embrace a small amount of your PG-13 dark side, and you love letting yourself get wrapped up in fantasy and fairy tale worlds, then you very likely well find a lot to enjoy in The Brothers Grimm."Johnny Betts reviews, The Brothers Grimm, starring Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, and Lena Headey. If you're a fan fantasies and fairy tales then feel free to ignore the critics that are bashing this and give it a look.Thank You Ben Affleck"Hey, did you hear that Ben Affleck has signed a $1.8 million deal to be the face of a British deodorant? Apparently the deodorant company felt that's how much he was worth since that's about the amount his last few movies have made at the box office." *rim shot* "It looks like Ben Affleck is going to be the new face of the British deodorant Lynx. Experts are baffled at why he was chosen since he hasn't been able to produce any sort of B.O. (box office) in about three years." "Well, some people are saying that Ben Affleck's decision to be the new face of the British deodorant Lynx is a sign that he's finally sold out. However, insiders are reporting that this decision was made because Affleck is still desperately trying to rid himself of the stench from Gigli and Surviving Christmas." Thank you, thank you. August 25, 2005Review: The Cave
"You need to go ahead and accept the fact that this is a movie that's not dipping too deep in the ol' originality well. To be honest, I don't know why any of us would really expect *much* from this one to begin with. Come on, the movie is called The Cave. If this title was any more generic it'd be a Hilary Duff coming-of-age movie. I think I'll write a script for a racing movie and call it The Car. And the cast... ah, you just have to love the ethnically diverse conventions of the B-grade monster movie cast..."Johnny Betts has plenty of fun with his review of The Cave, starring Cole Hauser and the drool-worthy Lena Headey.August 24, 2005On DVD this Week: A Lot Like Love
"I can't really give a full recommendation for A Lot Like Love. It's
a little too slow at times, and I just never bought into all the cookie cutter conveniences. On that note, I guess the
best way for you to enjoy the movie is to totally go in expecting a modern day fairy tale rather than a realistic love
story. Serendipity was much more effective and convenient in tackling the subject of 'soulmates being led back
together by fate.'
Special Features:
And this is Newsworthy Because...?I love this quote from the museum's spokeswoman, "They did not ask us to close the museum for an after-hours visit or any special treatment. They arrived around 7pm and stayed for an hour. The other people in the museum at the time were very respectful." WHO CARES?!?! Wow, that is just so amazing! My day is going to go much smoother now that I know Pitt and Jolie went to a dinosaur museum together and DID NOT demand special treatment. Awesome. Did they go to the bathroom during this visit? If so, was somebody there to take notes? I'll keep everybody updated. I'm going to start making up my own pointless news stories just to mock what some people deem newsworthy. And you know what? I'm going to start right now... Johnny Betts' Movie News That's Not Really NewsworthyTom Welling could not be reached to verify whether or not he resembles his TV persona. What's Wrong With People - Coming Soon...Small CorrectionAugust 23, 2005Bad Movie Review: Alien Express"If the Lou Diamond Phillips career train is 'starring' in one bad movie going crap miles per hour, and Todd Bridges is 'starring' in the same bad movie also going crap miles per hour, then how long before the Lou Diamond Phillips career train veers off track and explodes in a fiery mess? The answer? Ah, it's a trick question. It's already happened and that career train is now extra crispy."Johnny Betts reviews the latest really bad Sci Fi Original movie, Alien Express, "starring" Lou Diamond Phillips and Todd Bridges.August 22, 2005Opening This WeekThe Constant Gardener - I saw this one too, and it's more like the constant snoozer. Don't believe the trailer that calls this "the year's most anticipated thriller." It's not a thriller - it's a drama. And a fairly slow-paced one at that. It also has one of the worst titles of the year. Come on, what kind of audience do they expect to attract with the name "gardener" in the title? I know it's based on the book by the same name, but they should've done something about that. It's not a bad movie, but it's not a particularly engaging one either. Look for my review on Friday. The Cave - I'll be seeing this one on Wednesday. I'm hoping for something along the lines of Pitch Black. Give me a slick-looking, well-made B-movie and I'll be satisfied. Human Fillet UpdateAnd Laslo Hollyfeld has contributed this scene: The hero takes out a cow by impaling it with a boogie board. He can then say: (and I apologize in advance for this) "Now THAT'S what I call surf and turf!" As you can see, this is coming along quite nicely. Coming TomorrowAugust 19, 2005Review: Red-Eye
"The story is very simplistic as it's built completely around two main characters - Lisa and Jackson. 'Only two central characters, Johnny? How can such a basic premise work?' Well, dear reader, the reason this works so well is because of the strength of the actors. I love Rachel McAdams (somebody issue that restraining order NOW), and she excels at making the audience truly feel what a vulnerable position she's in. Plus, McAdams is a good, believable crier. I hope Ashley Judd is somewhere taking detailed notes."Johnny Betts reviews Red-Eye, starring the charming and lovely Rachel McAdams and the creepy-eyed Cillian Murphy.P.S. My review of Alien Express, starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Todd Bridges, will be posted next week. August 18, 2005Review: 40 Year-Old Virgin
"I will not deny that I laughed quite a bit, but this is a movie that I simply cannot give a blanket recommendation due to its subject matter. If I were to say, 'This movie is hilarious, go check it out!' and some sweet, little old church-going lady heads to the theater and has a heart-attack during one of the graphically explicit sex situations, well, that's just something I don't need on my conscience."Johnny Betts reviews 40 Year-Old Virgin, starring Steve Carell, Catherine Keener, Paul Rudd, Romany Malco, and Seth Rogen. Read my review carefully before seeing the movie. Trust me, if you're easily offended by profanity or explicit sex jokes then you'll want to stay far away.August 17, 2005Movie Mark Original #7
Title: Human FilletTagline: Eat more human. Cast: Lou Diamond Phillips, Betty White Synopsis: Becoming frustrated that their efforts to try to get humans to eat more chicken aren't as successful as they hoped, the cows decide it's time to go after what they feel is the source of the problem and eat more humans. A deadly combination of this frustration and mad cow disease (which becomes more out of control than ever) turns the formerly docile bovines into savage killers. A former Idaho PD detective (Phillips) is called in to find a solution to the problem. Before he was kicked off the police force for breaking one rule too many (and rubbing the top brass the wrong way with his lone warrior, long-hair ways) he was considered the best in the game. That's why the citizens of this small, rural Idaho town trust him more than anybody wearing an official badge. Upon arriving on the scene and surveying the damage that has already been done, Phillips declares, "This is a cow-tastrophe." Betty White, a senile fringe animal rights activist, is against any sort of violence towards the animals, despite the fact that they're killing humans and she protests his arrival. Phillips looks her dead in the eye and responds, "Sorry, but I don't KOWTOW to activists," and informs the citizens that, "I make a mean burger," signaling that everything's going to be all right. I'd like to give Stephanie a BIG thank you for making the most of the movie poster, and I'd like to thank my friend John M. for all his beautifully bad pun ideas on this one. New on DVD this Week: Sin City
"Sin City didn't exactly hit a homerun with me, but I enjoyed it. It's definitely one of the most original-looking movies to come along in quite a while. I liked watching the characters perform outlandish feats that can only be pulled off in the comic book and movie worlds. But this isn't for everybody. If you're easily offended then by all means you should definitely stay away. If you're under 17, then you definitely wouldn't be seeing this if you were my kid. And if you have a problem with watching a movie where the 'good guys' are nearly as corrupt as the bad guys, save for a redeeming act or two, then the questionable morals of the Sin City world probably aren't for you."Special Features:
August 16, 2005The Movie Mark Comic - Johnny Makes an Outdated Dukes of Hazzard Joke Coming this Week...August 15, 2005Damon Begs Affleck To Let Him Be GodfatherOh, wait a minute... Whoops. I guess I should've read the entire article. Apparently Matt Damon wants to be the godfather of Affleck's child. Sorry for the confusion. It looks like I need to find some more reliable sources. Johnny Betts and the Chinese Bootleg DVD MarketAugust 12, 2005Why Johnny Betts Refused to Watch European Gigolo for FreeReview: Four Brothers
"If you had ever told me that I would end up really liking a movie starring Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch and the lead singer of Outkast (the perpetrators of one of the most annoying songs in recent history - Hey Ya) then I would've laughed right in your face. Come on, a movie with three rappers (Tyrese throws down the rhymes also, yo!)? There's no way I would've expected that to satisfy my entertainment needs. But I'm man enough to admit that I would've been wrong."Johnny Betts reviews Four Brothers. If your testosterone is flowing and you're a fan of revenge flicks, then this is probably what you've been waiting all Summer for. But please leave mama, the kids, and the easily offended at home.Coming Monday...August 11, 2005Review: The Skeleton Key
"The Skeleton Key is an enjoyable film if, like me, you're willing to let yourself get sucked in by Kate Hudson and the creepy atmosphere. There's always something disturbing to be found amongst the bayous of Louisiana where people practice witchcraft and magic and rituals of conjure and sacrifice. Don't believe me? Then just head on down to New Orleans sometime and observe the freakshow. I guarantee you'll double check the lock on your hotel door at night. I can understand how some people will find this a bit slow-paced, but I liked how the movie lays out the mystery at the start and then deliberately follows it to its simple, yet cleverly logical ending."Johnny reviews The Skeleton Key, starring Kate Hudson.August 10, 2005Movie Mark Original #6Tagline: They spend 10 hours a day sleeping. The other 14 are spent eating ... HUMANS. Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Bruce Campbell Synopsis: With less than 1000 left living in the wild, the Giant Panda is one of the most critically endangered species in the world. Approximately 140 pandas live in zoos and breeding centers around the world, but most of them are in China. In what is seen as a goodwill effort, the Chinese government authorizes a massive breeding plan to help get pandas off the endangered list, and furthermore, they are willing to donate their pandas to zoos across the entire United States. Everything seems great until one day a small-town zookeeper (Howell) notices something is strange with the two pandas that his zoo received. He starts to question his own sanity when he thinks he overhears the pandas talking in what seems to be a Chinese dialect. He starts observing them closely and soon realizes that they are indeed talking, and they're talking about slowly indoctrinating the United States with communist doctrine! As Howell starts to dig deep into the history of China's new panda breeding program he comes across a startling discovery - the Chinese are injecting pandas with human DNA and creating talking communist pandas. Matters only get worse when the pandas decide that 20 to 40 pounds of bamboo just aren't enough to satisfy their insatiable appetites. They quickly develop a taste for American flesh and all PANDA-MONIUM breaks out! The U.S. government has a hard time deciding how to contain the situation. The President wants to send in the military to rid the country of its panda problem, but he faces huge opposition from fringe animal rights groups. They claim that the panda is still endangered, and their appetite for human flesh and their plans for spreading a communist agenda don't justify their elimination. The government finally decides to bring in the one man they know can solve the crisis - Bruce Campbell - a former Navy SEAL-turned-mercenary. As he prepares to take matters into his own hands he is confronted by the animal rights extremists who claim they won't let him proceed with his plans. He stands up slowly, removes the cool guy toothpick from his mouth, and calmly replies, "Sorry, but I don't PANDA [pander] to special interest groups." He winks at the camera and then embarks on his mission to save the country. You can read other Movie Mark Originals RIGHT HERE! Coming TomorrowAugust 9, 2005Weird U.S.
If you're interested in weird, off-the-wall stuff then allow me to once again recommend the History Channel's
Weird U.S.. Last night's episode explored all kinds of weird
medical conditions and practices. One segment discussed all the oddities that could be found at Philadelphia's
Mutter Museum - a woman with a horn
growing out of her head, the soap woman, and an 8-foot colon that looks like a freakishly huge worm.They also went to another museum (can't recall the name) that contained the remains of a woman with every single nerve intact. That's right, some doctor worked 8-10 hours a day for 5 months to carefully remove every single nerve so as to show the world what the nervous system looks like. One of the strangest segments was when the hosts went to a "laughing school." These schools consist of a bunch of freaks forcing themselves to laugh their way to better health. I call them freaks (because they sure creeped me out), but apparently studies show that laughing actually is good for your health. Thus the saying, "Laughter is the best medicine," I suppose. They claim that three solid minutes of laughing is as good for you as 20 minutes of jogging. "Who laughs for three straight minutes?" you might ask. Weeeeeeell, all you need to do is read the Movie Mark for three straight minutes to accomplish that goal! The fact is that laughing *at* me rather than *with* me is still laughter and, therefore, just as healthy for you. Score one for the Betts. What's Wrong With People?On DVD This Week: Kung Fu Hustle
"Almost everything about Kung Fu Hustle is over-the-top, ridiculous,
crazy, and completely implausible. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. There are some people, like my mom for example, who'd
probably watch about 5 minutes of it, exclaim, "This is stupid," and then move on. It's all about perspective,
baby!
Special Features:
August 8, 2005Opening This WeekAnyway, I saw this movie last week and was surprised at how entertaining it was. If you had told me a few years ago that I would end up really liking a movie starring Marky Mark from the Funky Bunch and the lead singer of one of the most annoying songs in recent history (Hey Ya) then I would've laughed straight up in yo face! It's just a good ol' testosterone-fueled, crowd-pleasin' revenge flick. I'll have my review up early this week and it'll probably be a reworking of this paragraph. Just warning you. The Skeleton Key - Kate Hudson is helping care for an invalid in New Orleans. My guess is she's doing it in the cheek-pinchingly cutest way possible. Before too long she gets caught up in all sorts of weird shenanigans being perpetuated by Voodoo freaks. My apologies to all my readers who are Voodoo practitioners. I'll be seeing this one on Tuesday (that's tomorrow for those of you in Frayser). I'm always in the mood for a good psychological horror, especially if Kate Hudson's looking as adorable as possible. The recent commercials are touting the twist ending as if it's the second coming of The Sixth Sense so I'm EXPECTING A LOT! Believe me, if the ending lets me down then you'll hear about it in the review. I have been angered by so many twist endings these days, so I have high standards. The Great Raid - Based on a true story set during WWII. A group of Rangers goes on a dangerous mission to try to save some 500 POWs who have been entrapped in a camp for 3 years. I was invited to a screening of this a couple of weeks ago, but it was at 10:00 AM and I wasn't able to attend. I'm still kicking myself over that because it's getting good reviews. Plus, James Franco is cool. Which reminds me - Freaks & Geeks is on DVD now (has been for sometime), so if you haven't seen it then I highly recommend you do something to remedy that. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - Sigh. Rob Schneider acts like an idiot in Europe. There's a screening of this on Thursday, but I just don't know if it's worth it even for free. I haven't decided whether to go or not. The problem is I'll be attending three other screenings this week - do I really want to add a Deuce Bigalow movie to the schedule? The problem is that I've been skipping screenings of a lot of movies I know are going to be bad (*COUGHthehoneymoonersHACK*), so I need to see a few stink bombs to fill out my "Top Ten Worst of the Year" list. I'll think about it. Is anyone just DYING for a Johnny Betts review of European Gigolo? You, the readers, can influence me here. August 5, 2005Movie Mark Original - Commodeo Dragon RevisitedAnyway, I thought it'd be perfect if we brought Michael Paré in for a cameo. If you've ever read a Michael Paré interview (and I seriously doubt that), then you know he has a strange penchant for putting more value into his post-1984 movies than they deserve. Don't believe me? Well let me use an example. Have you ever seen Deadly Heroes? Yeah, I didn't think so. If you had, then you'd know a more appropriate title would be Deadly Boring. Anyway, Mr. Paré actually had the frijoles to compare this movie to Speed. Everybody remembers the bus chase in Speed, right? Here's Mr. Paré's take: "They would take 2 months to do that chasing the bus stuff. We did it in two weeks." I've seen the bus chase in Deadly Boring, and believe me; you can definitely tell not much time was spent on it. But what you have to love about Michael is the fact that he keeps going out there, poopin' out bad movies, and then acting like he's produced an Oscar winner that we should all be grateful for. I can't slag him for his enthusiasm. And as a result, I figured he'd be a great spokesman for Commodeo Dragon. Here's the deal: Paré would be somewhere in the beginning of the movie. After the Commodeo mutates, its first destination is Michael's house. After a particularly rough meal at Taco Bell, Michael begins to feel something a' churnin' in the ol' digestive tract. Not feeling so well, he tells his wife, "Hey honey, I'll be back shortly. I'm gonna go make another movie." He'd then look in the camera, wink, and head to the bathroom. Paré would then proceed to become Commodeo's first victim, and he'd hit all the REALLY late night talk shows comparing the role to Janet Leigh's in Psycho. I can hear him now, "You know Janet Leigh's role in Psycho? It took Hitchcock like 20-something minutes before he killed her off. But Johnny Betts had my character killed off within about 2 or 3 minutes. He said he felt it was best that I have as little screen time as possible. It'd provide more shock value is how he explained it to me. I told him I'd be happy to do more, but he quickly said something about 'quality over quantity' and was kind enough to get the security guards to escort me to the door. I guess he didn't want me getting lost. They were nice guys." Folks, it's only a matter of time before Sci Fi realizes that this has gold written all over it. August 4, 2005Review: The Dukes of Hazzard
"Let's be perfectly honest here: this is formulaic filmmaking at its most basic. You take a couple of goofballs, throw in a little barfighting, add doses of a gal who looks really hot in short shorts and a bikini, cover it heavily with car chases, subtract any traces of high brow, and you've got The Dukes of Hazzard. If you're expecting anything more than that then I have to seriously question your ability to judge a movie based on its trailer and/or reference point."Johnny Betts reviews The Dukes of Hazzard.August 3, 2005Movie Mark Original #5Title: Komodeo Dragon aka Commodeo Dragon Tagline: All he ever wanted to be was a peaceful pet ... until he became FLUSH with anger! Cast: Corbin Bernsen, KaDee Strickland Synopsis: Bill Jerkster (Bernsen) has always wanted to be a good father. The fact that he's a raging alcoholic causes him to do things that typically cancel out any of the positive strides he makes. Things seemed to be on the right path when he bought his son the baby lizard that he always wanted. But everything changes when, in an alcoholic fit of rage, Bill flushes his son's lizard down the toilet. Unbeknownst to Bill, the entire town of Chemville is about to be changed. Bill lives near Chemicals R Us - known affectionately as "The McDonald's of Chemical Plants" in Louisiana. After the lizard survives a harrowing trip through the sewers that are located under Chemicals R Us, it begins to mutate into a human-sized dragon - what will come to be known as ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... THE COMMODEO DRAGON! The Commodeo Dragon develops an insatiable appetite - for both humans and revenge. Intent on finding the man who flushed him down the toilet and ruined his dream of being a child's pet, the Commodeo Dragon lives in the sewers and feeds on people as they sit on the toilet. Unfortunately, the Commodeo Dragon is not good with directions, so he can't remember which pipes will take him directly to Bill's house. He has no choice but to leave a slew (or is that a SLOO, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!) of victims in his wake until he reaches his goal. Can Bill sober up long enough to defeat the dragon and save the town, or will his addiction be the death of him? KaDee Strickland co-stars as Bill's wife and has a really thick Louisiana accent. I predict she'll steal the movie when Bill has a monstrous fight scene in the bathroom with the dragon and she deadpans, "Hey Bill, quit farting around in there and close the lid on the Commodeo once and for all!" Also, there'll be a scene where Ms. Strickland pulls out a shotgun, confronts the dragon, replies, "This is for leaving the seat up!" and then opens fire. I won't reveal what happens though! Sony to Pay $1.5M Over Fake Movie CriticLet's see, I saw Vertical Limit, A Knight's Tale, Hollow Man twice (hey, Josh Brolin's in it!), and The Patriot at the theaters. Stephanie saw all of the above as well. I believe she saw Hollow Man once and The Patriot twice. So we're looking at $50 right there. BOOYA! The only thing that concerns me is the article doesn't mention whether or not you have to prove you saw these movies. If I have to reproduce movie tickets then I'm in trouble. Except for my Hollow Man tickets which are encased in glass. I'll let y'all know when I've got some more information. Now if they'll just start reimbursing us for tricking us into watching really bad movies. Sony is the company that is vomiting Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo on the public, and I have a strong feeling there'll be plenty of people who'll be wishing for their money back after that one. Just a feeling. Thanks to Rhi for the heads up on this story. Coming Tomorrow...August 2, 2005New Movie Horror StoriesWon't Somebody Think of the Children? by Laslo H. Cinderfella by Maria E. Leave the Commentary for the DVD by Felix V. Criminally Inconsiderate by Felix V. Not So Majestic by Clint F. The Price of Fear by Nate J. Do you have a movie horror story of your own that you'd like to share? Well just fill out the Movie Mark Questionnaire and recount it there, or send me an email. You can also join The Movie Mark Message Board and join in the fun there. Hey, the board is close to reaching 100 members. Who's going to push us over the top?? New Movie Mark Dictionary TermThe Popcorn Pulley: The system by which a bag of popcorn is moved along a row of seats. The system includes, but is not limited to, adults leaning over and guiding the bag as it passes from right to left or from left to right. The system has failed, when the bag of popcorn is dropped, and everyone in the three rows directly behind the popcorn pulley has been alerted to the failure (courtesy of Maria E.). Check out The Movie Mark Dictionary for even more hilarious movie terms - most invented by yours truly. Making Life EasierThe Movie Mark Journal Page Movie Mark Originals August 1, 2005Contests Galore!The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #8 |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
|||||||||||||||||
|
|
Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
|
|
||||||