BREAKING NEWS - AUGUST 2007
August 31, 2007
Opening this Week
HALLOWEEN
Director: Rob Zombie
Stars: Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, and Tyler Mane
Rated: R
Genre: Horror
Tagline: Evil Has A Destiny
Length: 109 minutes
Website: Halloween
Studio: Dimension Films
The Plot: After being committed for 17 years, Michael Myers (Mane) breaks out of the mental institution, returns to his hometown, and does some
killin'.
Johnny's Take: Due to the fact that I was crushing three-run homeruns over the centerfield fence to help lead my softball team in our awesome
comeback victory last night (we were down by four runs in the last inning, oh, and my friend and coach Stephen would appreciate me pointing out that he actually had what turned
out to be the game-winning RBI), I was unable to attend the Halloween screening.
However, Mr. Shade went, and he said the movie's pretty good - not as good as the first two, but much better than all the other sequels. This is more of a re-imagining rather than
a straight remake, and Mr. Shade liked the added glimpse into Michael's backstory. Fanboys will likely deem Zombie to be the anti-Christ. Oh wait, they're already doing that.
BALLS OF FURY
Director: Ben Garant
Stars: Dan Fogler, Christopher Walken, George Lopez, Maggie Q, and James Hong
Rated: PG-13 (for crude and sex-related humor, and for language)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: A huge comedy with tiny balls
Length: 90 minutes
Website: Balls of Fury
Studio: Rogue Pictures
The Plot: Down-and-out former professional Ping-Pong phenom Randy Daytona (Fogler) is sucked into the table tennis underground when FBI Agent
Rodriguez (Lopez) recruits him for a secret mission. Randy is determined to bounce back and recapture his former glory, and to smoke out his father's (Robert Patrick)
killer - one of the FBI's Most Wanted, arch-fiend Feng (Walken). Christopher Walken's cashing of yet another paycheck ensues.
Johnny's Take: I've already given my take. It's called my review.
Go read it.
DEATH SENTENCE
Director: James Wan
Stars: Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, and Kelly Preston
Rated: R (for strong bloody brutal violence and pervasive language)
Genre: Revenge Flick
Tagline: Protect What's Yours
Length: 110 minutes
Website: Death Sentence
Studio: 20th Century Fox
The Plot: After his son is brutalized by a gang, Kevin Bacon shaves his head and does some killin'.
Johnny's Take: I'm always up for a good revenge flick. What kind of American male doesn't like to see a little vigilante justice played out on
screen?!?! A non-hetero one would be my guess. This isn't exactly getting rave reviews, but most movie critics are douchebags, so that's not unexpected.
I won't have time to see it this weekend, but I want to check it out soon. Me pay money to see Death Sentence? Of all films? That's right. I have a mind to do it just
to spite the critics.
This is based on a novel by Brian Garfield, the same guy who wrote Death Wish.
On DVD This Week
I'm gonna be honest with you - I'm starting to get a little lazy at the moment. The only DVD release of note is
Blades of Glory. Just read my review and use that as your rental guide.
Coming Next Week
I'm saving my "Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music" list for next week. I feared that many readers may be out of town for Labor Day weekend, causing the list
to possibly not get the love and attention it deserved. Now you have something to look forward to as you sit there eating your ribs and your corn and your fancy homemade ice cream.
Also, be on the lookout for a sign-up to a free screening of Eastern Promises.
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August 30, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Balls of Fury
"Unfortunately, the jokes suffer from what I like to call the 'Kate Moss, Heather Mills McCartney, and post-2000 Muhammad Ali Syndrome.' In other words, they're flat, lame,
and they pack no punch. Let's see them put THAT on the DVD cover."
Johnny reviews Balls of Fury, starring Dan "Poor Man's Jack Black" Fogler, Maggie Q, and Christopher Walken.
I forgot that Balls of Fury opened yesterday rather than Friday. Therefore, I wanted to finish the review for today. I'll
worry about putting together my Size 11 list for tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. For now just enjoy the Balls of Fury
review.
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August 29, 2007
The Sci Fi Report
It's about time! Oscar-nominated Gary Busey is finally starring in a Sci Fi Original! Busey, a real-life nutcase, is no stranger to bad movies. Folks, please direct your
attention to my review of The Gingerdead Man. If you ever feel the need to ponder just how far the man's career
has plummeted then simply repeat this phrase: "Gary Busey stars in a movie about a homicidal cookie." Seriously, nothing more needs to be said. In fact, nothing more CAN
be said. It's a must-see for all lovers of bad cinema.
I've been pretty disappointed in the last few stinkers the Sci Fi Channel has offered. Due to their severe lack of the cheese factor that has made them slightly watchable
in the past, my formula as of late has been to delete the crap off my DVR after struggling to stay awake through 10 minutes of 5th grade caliber dialogue or, as in the case
of last weekend's MegaSnake, fast-forward until I see some really bad CGI and stop for a laugh or two.
MegaSnake. Whew. That can be summed up quite easily - Stink. O. My "favorite" scene involved a family's ill-fated camping trip. The father sees the gigantic snake
slithering towards him, and he yells at his wife and two kids to get in the car. With no conviction whatsoever, he informs the snake, "You. will. not. get. my. family." He
then starts swinging some sort of pole at the thing. Inexplicably, he yells, "This one's for the good ol' red, white, and blue." Huh? I can only assume he was swinging a
flag pole. There was no flag attached to it though, so I really can't find any significance to the quote
Anyway, the snake chomps down on the guy and pulls him into the air. We're taken inside the car where the mom and kids are doing a poor job of acting scared and concerned.
One of them asked where their dad went, and on cue the dad slams into the windshield. The snake starts attacking the vehicle, and we're treated to a few more fake screams from
the family. Once the snake finally crashes through a window, the camera cuts away and the rest is left to our imagination. We hear a few more screams and one of the kids yelling,
"Ow! My leg!" I must admit, that earned a hearty chuckle.
So yeah, Gary Busey in the Sci Fi Original Maneater. Details are sketchy, but we do know that Busey's search for a quiet country life is disrupted by a tiger. Should
be horrible, but it stars the Buse, so I'll be watching. It corrupts our airwaves on Saturday, September 8. Happy birthday, Stephanie (y'all remember her?), hope ya like
crap!
Oh, and apparently somebody decided there simply aren't enough crappy Highlander movies available for our disdain, so look for Highlander: The Source on Saturday, September
15. If you can sit through that then your threshold for boredom is much higher than mine.
Blockbuster - 50% Off Sale
I just wanted to let everybody know that Blockbuster is having another "50% off previously viewed DVDs" sale. I'll take an educated guess and say this will last through Labor
Day. Oh, and I know what you're wondering, so let me cut you off at the pass - yes, any movies you decide to buy me as a little "thank you" can be given to me at future
screenings. Or sent via snail mail. That's perfectly fine.
I'll do my best to have my very first Size 11 list tomorrow, but I make no guarantees.
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August 28, 2007
The Josh Brolin 'Stache Gallery
Folks, y'all might as well go ahead and jump on the Josh Brolin freight train because it isn't slowing down any time soon. You know what else isn't slowing down? Josh's impressive array
of mustachioed characters. Just take a look at the gallery above. Coastlines. No Country for Old Men. In the Valley of Elah. American Gangster. There is
no denying that the younger, more talented Brolin family member has been doing some mighty hardcore rockin' of the 'stache lately, and I think it's way past time we paid tribute.
Josh has been receiving rave reviews for his performances in both No Country for Old Men and American Gangster, so much so that he's surrounded with a little Oscar buzz.
Not only is he considered a possibility for a Best Actor nomination for No Country, but his mustache is said to have an outside shot at Best Supporting Actor. As always, I'll
keep everybody updated.
New, Darker No Country for Old Men Trailer
Wanna see more of that sweet 'stache action? Then look no further than the brand spankin' new trailer for No Country for Old Men. It's a "red band" trailer which means you have
to be over 17 to view it. In actuality, it just means you have to be willing to enter a birth date that indicates you're over 17. Click
here and then click on "Exclusive Red Band Trailer" and then go from there.
The trailer is restricted because it's too violent to show in theaters to all audiences. Don't worry; it's not really that gory, but we do see Javier Bardem waste an old man with a
compressed air gun.
Can you tell I'm excited?
New American Gangster Trailer, Featuring Josh Brolin
Unlike the original trailer, this one actually features Josh. Albeit very briefly. Near the end
of the trailer we see about a two second glimpse of Josh (see photo gallery above) reacting to an explosion. Like I said, it's brief, but what is important is the depth of emotion that
Mr. Brolin was able to put on display in such a short period of time. The attention to detail is nothing less than a prime example of an artist excelling at his craft. Bravo, Mr.
Brolin, bra-freakin'-vo.
This is another film I'm penciling in my "Top 10 of 2007" list.
Watch the trailer here. If you view it in slow motion then about halfway through you'll catch
another brief glimpse of Josh totally rockin' a '70s style leather jacket. Call friends and coworkers over to your desk to take a look. Good times will be had by all.
TMM's Size 11 Series
I'm currently working on my first list, and I'm quite pleased with it so far. The list is tentatively titled "The Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music."
Basically, I'm making up a list of 11 movies that SHOULD have been made using '80s songs as inspiration. Unfortunately, further research has revealed that two of my movies - Girls
Just Wanna Have Fun and Against All Odds - are indeed real movies. The former stars Sarah Jessica Parker, the latter stars Jeff Bridges. Too bad. My version of
Against All Odds would have been much better because it would have starred Sylvester Stallone as an ex-cop who had to overcome some sort of odds (not unlike an arm
wrestling tournament) to win custody of his son.
What could have been. Ah well, back to the drawing board. Time to pull out the INXS Kick album and look for a replacement. At least this proves my mindset is definitely
on the right track. Look for the list sometime this week.
Oh, and you'll be allowed to add comments. Yep, it's gonna rock.
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August 27, 2007
3:10 to Yuma
Y'all may have heard about a little Western coming up that stars a couple of actors you may recognize - Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. If you've seen the trailer then you know that
it should kick all shapes and sizes of rumpage and rock all kinds of movie screen. Well, I just wanted to let everybody know that I will be seeing it this Wednesday. That's right; a full
10 days before its actual release. I would also like to add this: in yo face. Thank you. That is all.
Why Hasn't There Been...
...a Footloose remake yet? We've got a remake of Halloween coming this weekend, and that got me to thinking about what other remakes might be on their way. Then I thought
about Kevin Bacon's Death Sentence, which also hits theaters on Friday, and I thought, "With the alarming lack of originality in Hollywood these days (please note the
unnecessary and unwanted sequels of Dirty Dancing and Roadhouse), I'm absolutely shocked that no one has remade Footloose or given us a bad direct-to-DVD
sequel."
Hmm, let me see if there are any rumblings... *Johnny heads to Google for a quick search*
Well shut my mouth and bring on the Apocalypse. Apparently a Footloose remake IS in the works. I shouldn't have said anything. Sigh. Apparently it's going to star
girly man Zac Efron, who quite possibly has the most disturbing eyebrows I have ever seen.
I'm calling it now - a remake of either Sixteen Candles or Pretty in Pink can't be far behind. Look for Hilary Duff to star.
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August 24, 2007
John Fogerty's Revival
I spend plenty of time educating y'all on what movies to watch, so I thought I'd take a brief break from that and give you a quick music lesson - for free. After all, the weekend is
approaching, and you probably need some good cruisin' music. Welp, look no further than John Fogerty and Creedence Clearwater Revival. I can't tell you how hard I want to punch a
wall whenever somebody musically-deprived soul tells me they've never heard of Creedence. Um, they're only the greatest rock band of all time! And Fogerty only possesses the greatest
rock voice of all time. There's no contest. Burton Cummings of The Guess Who comes in second, but Fogerty's gravelly growl has no peer. Don't even bother arguing with me about it
because you'll be wrong. If you even dare try to bring up Springsteen's voice I'll immediately pull out the size 11s.
I feel sorry for all you youngsters who feel quite satisfied listening to minimally-talented artists like Justin Timberlake and Avril Lavigne. Where do you think Avril will
be when she's 62? Not rockin' out in concert to that stupid "I don't like your girlfriend" song. If you want a good idea of what rock and roll is really all about then catch Fogerty
live and watch him blister through a rendition of Ramble Tamble and tear the roof off the dump.
Fogerty's public battles with his old music label Fantasy constitute one incredibly long and complex story, but the happy ending is somebody recently bought Fantasy, gave Fogerty back
the rights to his songs, and invited him to return to the label. On October 2 he'll release Revival - his first album of original material with Fantasy in over 30 years. From all
accounts, it's a return to form.
Rolling Stone has a clip of one of the new songs - Summer of Love. Check it out
here.
If you don't own any Creedence albums then I highly suggest you correct that mistake now. Well, except please don't start with Mardi Gras. LONG story there as well. It's a
"collaborative" effort with the drummer and bassist each singing three songs. Upon first listen of Stu Cook's Sail Away, you'll think he's trying to cough up a frog, but no,
that's his attempt at singing. Trust me; you need to start with a compilation or an earlier album. Then you can roll down the windows, crank the volume, and prepare to exude cool. You'll
thank me later.
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August 23, 2007
Opening this Week
WAR
Director: Philip G. Atwell
Stars: Jet Li, Jason Statham, and Nadine Velazquez
Rated: R (for sequences of strong bloody violence, sexuality/nudity and language)
Genre: Action/Thriller
Tagline: Vengeance is the ultimate weapon.
Length: 103 minutes
Website: War
Studio: Lionsgate Films
The Plot: Jason Statham is an FBI Agent with a never-ending five o'clock shadow who is seeking vengeance against the non-stereotypical-action-movie-named
Rogue (Li). Why? Because Li is an assassin who murdered Statham's partner. Let me guess - THIS MEANS WAR! Loads of gunplay and martial arts-fueled fight scenes will most
likely ensue.
Johnny's Take: If the trailer is accurate then this looks like a solid helpin' of popcorn-munchin' fun. Of course, I thought the same thing after
watching Crank's trailer and that turned out to be a solid helpin' of disappointment. I'm always up for a little Jason Statham
butt-kickin' action though. Unfortunately, Lionsgate didn't screen this in Memphis (or anywhere, actually), therefore, HELLO RENTAL!
P.S. Yes, I do know what a matinee is, thank you very much! But do y'all realize those are still over $6???
MR. BEAN'S HOLIDAY
Director: Steve Bendelack
Stars: Rowan Atkinson and Willem Dafoe
Rated: G (for brief mild language)
Genre: "Comedy"
Tagline: Disaster has a passport
Length: 90 minutes
Website: Mr. Bean's Holiday
Studio: Universal Pictures
The Plot: Mr. Bean wins a trip to the Cannes Film Festival, travels to France, and does a whole lot of painfully unfunny stuff.
Johnny's Take: This looks absolutely horrendous. I simply cannot project to you stupid I think this is going to be. I did not laugh a single time
during the trailer. Not once. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, the trailer is so unfunny that it actually sucked laughs out of my body that were to be used at a later time.
The material is so ridiculous that I'm literally angered by the existence of writers who find that kind of stuff funny and get paid for it. Mr. Bean spills his coffee on a guy's laptop
and then licks the keyboard in the goofiest way imaginable? Yeah, a real laugh riot. Makes me want to punch the movie screen ... and everybody involved in this production.
RESURRECTING THE CHAMP
Director: Rod Lurie
Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Josh Hartnett, Teri Hatcher, and Alan Alda
Rated: PG-13 (for some violence and brief language)
Genre: Drama/Sport
Tagline: None.
Length: 111 minutes
Website: Resurrecting the Champ
Studio: Yari Film Group Releasing
The Plot: Josh Hartnett is an up-and-coming sports reporter whose personality resembles that of a dead tree. He encounters a homeless man who happens to
look a whole lot like Samuel L. Jackson. Turns out the Jackson look-alike is a former boxing legend who most believed had died. Father/son relationships, ethics in
journalism, and whatnot ensues.
Johnny's Take: Despite Josh "Wooden Boy" Hartnett's presence, and the fact that I haven't seen or heard hardly anything about it, this could be decent.
Reviews have been pretty solid which is not typical for a film starring Samuel L. Jackson AND Josh Hartnett these days. It's screening tonight in Memphis, but I can't make it because
I'll be too busy leading my softball team to victory over our most bitter rival.
NANNY DIARIES
Director: Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini
Stars: Scarlett Johansson, Laura Linney, and Paul Giamatti
Rated: PG-13 (for language)
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Tagline: A comedy about life at the top, as seen from the bottom.
Length: 106 minutes
Website: Nanny Diaries
Studio: MGM
The Plot: Scarlett Johansson is a college student who goes to work as a nanny for a rich New York family. To no one's surprise, she must juggle studies, the spoiled
brat she's baby sitting, and a new romance. Let the chick flick shenanigans ensue.
Johnny's Take: I'd suggest getting estrogen shots before attempting to sit through this one. Have fun, ladies.
On DVD This Week
  
THE ULTIMATE GIFT - Based on the best-selling book by the same name and starring the girl from Little Miss
Sunshine, The Ultimate Gift explores the relationship between wealth and happiness. A couple of people I know saw this and told me it is "heart-warming" or a similar
adjective that usually doesn't send me rushing to Blockbuster.
Actually, it doesn't sound half bad. More of y'all need to watch it and give me further confirmation.
PERFECT STRANGER - Sorry Bronson Pinchot fans, but this is not a big screen adaptation of the misadventures of Balki and cousin Larry. By most accounts it's
a mediocre thriller where Halle Berry tries to use text messages to prove Bruce Willis is a murderer. Or something ridiculous like that.
REDLINE - This is a Fast and the Furious wannabe that stars Eddie Griffin. Is there any possible way for this to scream "save your money" any
louder?
Movie Mark Original #3 Revisited
Yet another blast from the past but now with a brand new poster!
Title: Gnats: In the Mind's Eye
Tagline: This is GNAT Your Ordinary Pest!
Cast: Patrick Muldoon, Lorenzo Lamas, Kari Wuhrer
Synopsis: Summer has always proven to be a less-than-desirable season in the sheltered
community of Gnatville - named after the fact that thousands of gnats migrate to the town every summer. An evil
scientist (Lamas - complete with glasses and white lab coat) has been creating small, mechanical gnats for several
years. They are designed to enter a person's eye - for good. Once in the eye, they can travel to the person's
brain. After attaching itself to the brain, the mechanical gnat acts as a computer chip from which Dr. Lamas can
retrieve all sorts of useful information, but not only that, he can use the gnat to create programs that can
control the brain it's attached to.
Dr. Lamas knows that the annual gnat migration will serve as a perfect cover and keep his Gnato-chips from being
discovered. However, the one thing he didn't count on was a former baseball star (Muldoon) returning to his hometown
of Gnatville after an injury cuts his career short. Muldoon starts to become suspicious that something isn't right
when he notices the altered behavior of old friends and family members. Why are people eating GNATCHOS? And why
are babies being given names such as GNATALIE? Are gnats completely taking over, and do they have a leader? Muldoon
is determined to solve the mystery, while Dr. Lamas is determined to control the town. A lot of really bad puns
and over-the-top acting ensues.
Coming soon to a local access cable channel near you.
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August 22, 2007
Dear House of 9, Thanks for Completely Wasting My Time
I don't normally like to give away spoilers for movies unless I'm specifically asked about them, however, I am going to make an exception for a little straight-to-cable film
I recently watched called House of 9. I think there's an unspoken movie rule that any film in which Dennis Hopper fails at replicating a foreign accent is fair game for any abuse
shoveled it's way.
If, for some reason, you don't want the movie spoiled for you then you can quit reading right now. However, I must warn you that this is a film you'll be glad I spoiled because
it'd otherwise be a waste of your time.
The plot is quite simple, and not the least bit original - nine strangers have been drugged, abducted, and placed in a house together. Think
Saw 2 except with a nicer house. Once they've all conveniently made their way to the lobby, they hear a voice tell them that only one of
them will survive and that person will get $5 million. The voice then informs them that they won't hear from him again, and the rest is up to them.
All right, so at this point I've accepted that most of my entertainment will germinate from Dennis Hopper's laughably bad "Lucky Charms" Irish accent. He's an Irish priest, you see,
and I expected him at any moment to talk about his pot o' gold. Neither you nor I have heard of anybody else in the cast, so don't even pretend that you have. But I know this
was low-budget, and it does look slicker than a Sci-Fi Original, so I decided to stick with it, only out of curiosity regarding the conclusion.
Who are these people, why have they been chosen, and who is behind all of it? Those were three questions implicitly asked, and my interest was piqued just enough to tag along for
the ride.
The majority of the movie consists of these nine mediocre actors walking around, whining, half-heartedly trying to figure a way out, etc. One's a famous tennis player, another's
a rapper, another is a dancer, one chick is on parole, there's a married couple, blah blah blah. Hmm, my curiosity is building! It looks like they weren't randomly chosen! There
has to be a pattern to the madness!
Well, there was certainly a pattern to the boredom for the first 2/3rds of this dingleberry's runtime. Thankfully, I have mad skillz in the art of fast-forwarding, and believe me,
I put them to great use. There was maybe one character in this whole shebang whose fate I didn't want to see end in the most torturous of ways. One chick was really going overboard
with the "uppity wainch" bit - refusing to help 'cause she didn't want to break a nail, complaining about eating cold chicken and potatoes, etc. Hey, woman, YOU'VE BEEN DRUGGED, KIDNAPPED,
AND TRAPPED IN A HOUSE BY A PSYCHO! Do you really expect him to serve you a hot meal?
Anyway, with about 15 - 20 minutes left in the movie somebody finally dies. To make a long story short, one of the guys goes crazy and kills practically everybody. He tried to
electrocute one girl, but she ended up surviving. So after he thinks he's won, she reappears. They wrestle, fall off a balcony, she lands on top of him, and stabs him with a piece
of glass she's holding. Yeehaw. She was the only character I didn't completely despise, so I was cool with that. Well, as cool as I could be in the midst of my ennui.
So this is the moment where we get all the answers, right? Here's the big payoff that will provide me with five minutes of justification for forcing myself to sit through the other
80 minutes...
The front door opens, and there lies a huge duffle bag. Chicky picks it up and then another door opens. She walks through it, and there are four other people, holding similar bags,
in a room that looks just like the one from the other house. The camera focuses on her shocked face and the credits roll. That's it. The end. Thanks for playin'. Hope you don't
slit your wrists now.
No explanation why those people were chosen. No explanation regarding who is behind all of it. No closure whatsoever. Nothing. For some reason, the geniuses behind this
production thought that bad acting + unlikable characters + a slow pace + absolutely no answered questions somehow equated to a winning formula. I'll be blunt about it - I was
cheated. I sat through a bad movie just to get the explanation at the end, but all I got was a big fat middle finger shoved in my face.
As the credits rolled, I literally said out loud, "You have GOT to be kidding me!" I don't know who is more to blame, screenwriter Philippe Vidal or director Steven R. Monroe, so I'm
calling them both out. That's right. You citified jack-a-dandies owe me an apology.
And don't give me any of that crap about, "Oh, it's scarier if you don't know the explanations! This movie was brave enough not to give us all the answers!"
Balderdash! Poppycock! I don't ask that every single movie have every single loose end tied perfectly, but I do ask for some kind of resolution. House of 9 is nowhere
near good enough to even try to get away with the "artistic" excuse.
I simply had to vent, and if you don't want to be as frustrated as I was then I strongly recommend you invest your time in something else.
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August 21, 2007
Steven Seagal Seeks FBI Apology for Derailing His Career, Johnny Betts Seeks Seagal Apology for His Post-1996 Career
According to IMDb, "actor" Steven Seagal is seeking an apology from the FBI for allegedly harming his career by implicating he hired a private detective to intimidate
journalists from writing unflattering stories about him. The has-been has not enjoyed the luxury of a big screen release since 2002's dreadful box office bomb Half
Past Dead, a phrase often used to describe Mr. Seagal's current career. Since then all of his movies have been dumped directly onto DVD shelves.
A deluded Seagal is convinced that the leaked release of an October 2002 FBI affidavit linking him to the mob is responsible for his decline in popularity. Seagal
states, "False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia. These kinds of inflammatory
allegations scare studio heads and independent producers - and kill careers."
But Internet Icon and movie-reviewing legend, Johnny Betts, isn't buying it. "You know what really kills careers?" the wavy-haired, muscular biceped humorist
asked. "The combination of a severe lack of acting talent and an ever-burgeoning waistline. Sorry, Steve, but the FBI didn't kill your career ... you're massive
belly did." Betts admitted that other factors have helped facilitate the end of Mr. Seagal's career.
"The fact that his last 15 movies possess essentially the same plotline surely hasn't helped. You know the formula - Seagal's an ex-CIA, ex-soldier, ex-special forces agent; his
family is terrorized and/or killed; he destroys every bad guy on earth. He was able to get away with that early in his career. Unfortunately, his added girth prevents
him from doing any fighting beyond madly wailing his arms around in the air while the bad guys run directly into his desperate windmill punches."
Is there any hope for a career resurgence? Betts doesn't think so. "The problem for Steve is that there are a finite number of prepositions. And honestly, how
many times can you use the term 'justice' in your title and get away with it? Perhaps Steve can rework one more preposition and end his career on a high note.
How does Out of Ideas sound? More than appropriate, I'd say."
Veronica Mars is my New HERO!
Sorry for the bad pun. I just wanted to see if I could rival all the news agencies out there who are so fond of 'em. All you Veronica Mars fans will be happy to
know that my favorite sassy blonde (Kristin Bell) has been added to the cast of Heroes. As of now, she's only scheduled to appear in this season's first 13 episodes, but
the character's role could possibly expand beyond that. Rumor has it she could be playing a bad girl. Woo!
Ms. Bell accepted the Heroes role after turning down an offer to appear on Lost. She says that she loves the show, but she didn't want to relocate to Hawaii.
Another element that helped sway her decision is the fact that she has several social relationships with cast members from Heroes.
As for Veronica Mars, Kristin says that she misses the character and a feature film is not out of the question.
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August 20, 2007
TMM's Size 11 Series
Lists. We all love 'em. David Letterman has his Top Ten, the AFI has its top 100, and you have your grocery list. Neither scientists nor theologians can offer a definitive
theory on exactly why we like to see things so compartmentalized. Why exactly do we find a higher comfort level in asking for someone's five favorite movies rather than
requesting some random list? It's a subject on which Jesus never sermonized, Shakespeare never dramatized, and Plato never philosophized. So its mystery rests somewhere
comfortably within the wind, blowing as a wayward leaf with neither a defined origin nor a predestined ending. OK, I have no idea what I'm saying now.
Anyway, the point is I'm gonna start making my own lists. You've asked for it, and now you're gonna get it. I would like to attempt lists of 11 in honor of my infamous
biker boots, but I can't guarantee that every single one will contain that many. Honestly, I start out gung ho on these things and then start to lose interest around number
five of six. So we'll just roll with it and see what happens. Anyway, here are some lists I'm currently assembling:
Supporting Seinfeld Actors Who'll Never be Known by Anything Other than their Seinfeld Character Name
Most Ridiculous Plot Summaries
Most Awesomely Bad Films
Most Awesomely Bad Three-Minute Clips from Films that are Otherwise Unwatchable
Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles
Most Completely Unwatchable Films
Worst Sequel Ideas Ever Made
Worst Sequel Ideas That Were Not Made
Most Annoying Actors/Characters of All Time Whose Very Presence Has Me Reaching for a Weapon
Keep in mind that I'm not just going to provide lists. Nope, I am going to give you highly insightful and painfully hilarious reasons why they are on my list. So here's
your chance to chime in. What lists would you, my dear readers, like to see? Send me an email at johnny_betts@hotmail.com and
give me your input. This is your chance to be a part of Movie Mark history. Don't let this opportunity pass you by.
Guess IMDb's Bad Box Office Pun
This one's fairly obvious. Since Superbad was this weekend's number one film, I'm guessing the box office announcement will be...
Suberbad's box office is Supergood or just simply Supergood box office
Free Screenings
Don't forget to sign up for the free screenings (more info below). The Balls of Fury names have to be turned in tomorrow, but there
are a few passes still available. If you or your friends want one then hurry and sign up now.
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August 17, 2007
FREE SCREENING: Balls of Fury
When: Monday, August 27
Where: Malco Paradiso 7:30 PM
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
This looks kind of like Dodgeball except in the world of Ping Pong. And probably not quite as funny. But guess what? You get to
see it for free. And all thanks to whom? That's right; say it with me - JOHNNY BETTS! JOHNNY BETTS! JOHNNY BETTS!
Don't worry; you can thank me with a little popcorn and coke. And for those of you who will be sad when somebody gets me the popcorn and coke before you do then you can treat me
to ice cream afterwards. Making my fans happy - it's what I do.
Click here to sign up for your pass.
FREE SCREENING: Shoot 'Em Up
When: Tuesday, September 4
Where: Malco Paradiso 9:00 PM
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
What's this? An offer of two free screenings in one day? "Can Johnny Betts and The Movie Mark be any cooler?" you ask. No, I don't think we can. Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci are hitmen (well,
hitman and hitwoman, I guess), and I'm giving you the chance to see this for free. I should run for public office.
Click here if you're interested.
Opening this Week
SUPERBAD
Director: Greg Mottola
Stars: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, and Emma Stone
Rated: R (for pervasive crude and sexual content, strong language, drinking, some drug use and a fantasy/comic violent image - all involving teens)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: None.
Length: 114 minutes
Website: Superbad
Studio: Columbia Pictures
The Plot: You know the formula - high school is winding down and two social outcasts (including a really fat kid, of course) end up gettin' the hot
babes. In other words, it's another high school movie that bears absolutely no resemblance to real life. Oh, and naturally a "legendary evening" ensues, replete with all sorts
of alcohol-induced shenanigans.
Johnny's Take: I did see Superbad, but I'm not gonna review it. I will, however, say this - take the most vulgar parts of
Knocked Up and The 40 Year-Old Virgin, multiply that by about 10, and
you've got Superbad. It was easily the filthiest, most vulgar film I've ever seen on the big screen. I'd estimate it's about 90% genitalia jokes and "f" bombs.
Let that be thy guide.
THE INVASION
Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel
Stars: Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, and Jeremy Northam
Rated: R (for language)
Genre: Thriller/Horror
Tagline: Do not trust anyone. Do not show emotion. Do not fall asleep.
Length: 93 minutes
Website: The Invasion
Studio: Warner Bros. Pictures
The Plot: Nicole Kidman plays a Washington psychiatrist who discovers the origin of an alien epidemic. For some reason her son might be
the only way it can be stopped. Come on, people in trailer parks already know about the alien epidemic. Just watch any alien "documentary" on the Sci-Fi Channel and
you'll see what I mean.
Johnny's Take: Another horror remake! Yippee! Hooray for Hollywood's lack of creativity! The Invasion didn't screen in Memphis, so
I'm guessing it's a big ol' stinkaroo fest. Can I say that definitively? No. But my movie instincts are curiously strong, therefore, I can indeed guess.
THE LAST LEGION
Director: Doug Lefler
Stars: Colin Firth, Ben Kingsley, and Aishwarya Rai
Rated: PG-13 (for sequences of intense action violence)
Genre: Action/War
Tagline: Before King Arthur, there was Excalibur.
Length: 110 minutes
Website: The Last Legion
Studio: The Weinstein Company
The Plot: As the Roman empire crumbles, young Romulus Augustus flees the city and embarks on a perilous voyage to Britain to track down a legion
of supporters. Wow. Never heard an epic plotline like this one! HOW DOES HOLLYWOOD COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?!?!?!?!?!?!
Johnny's Take: Despite my sarcasm, I'm always interested in "historical" war epics and anything involving the Arthurian legend. Unfortunately, as we saw
with King Arthur, the story doesn't always translate effortlessly within the context of reality. I'll stick with what
Maxwell Scott told James Stewart in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance - "When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."
Has anybody seen a single commercial or preview of this? I didn't think so. Its unceremonious end-of-August release indicates The Weinstein Co. has as little
faith in the product as I do in my Taco Bell meal not revisiting me in the middle of the night. I smell rental!
You know what would rock my socks right out of my size 11 biker boots? A movie version of Le Morte d'Arthur (or The Once and Future King would do) made in the
style of 300. Don't get too excited at the thought; Hollywood rarely likes to run with such grandiose ideas.
Coming Next Week
My review of Transmorphers! Sure, there'll be more, but I know what everybody is really anticipating.
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August 16, 2007
On DVD This Week
"Much like all you ladies who mad-rush Johnny Betts at movie screenings, Fracture spends a lot of its runtime flirting
with greatness. The acting is great, the interaction between Hopkins and Gosling is great, and the film's ability to completely engage your interest utilizes the
adjective as well.
But just as Hopkins' character can discover minor faults in everything, I too possess the cunning ability to detect such chinks in the
ol' armor..."
New Line Cinema was kind enough to send me a copy of the Fracture DVD. Check out my full
DVD review for my comments regarding the film along with details on the special features.
ALSO ON DVD THIS WEEK
  
WILD HOGS - A group of suburban biker wannabes (aka old farts) looking for adventure hit the open road, but get more than they bargained for when they encounter
a New Mexico gang called the Del Fuegos.
This is one of those films that critics hated and audiences seemed to love. The hijinks and shenanigans that ensue when Tim Allen, John Travolta, and William H. Macy attempt to be
tough guy bikers? That's as sure a winner with the 40+ year old male demographic as a brand new Ray Stevens album.
I'll probably catch this one day when TBS or TNT is showing it on an endless loop.
THE LOOKOUT - Chris (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a once promising high school athlete whose life is turned upside down following a tragic accident. As he
tries to maintain a normal life, he takes a job as a janitor at a bank, where he ultimately finds himself caught up in a planned heist.
This one is high on my must-see list. I've heard plenty of good things about it. Why don't you go ahead and buy it and then let me borrow it? Thanks.
INLAND EMPIRE - A blonde actress is preparing for her biggest role yet, but when she finds herself falling for her co-star, she realizes that her life is
beginning to mimic the fictional film that they're shooting. Adding to her confusion is the revelation that the current film is a remake of a doomed Polish production, 47, which was
never finished due to an unspeakable tragedy.
I've heard this is as weird as all get-out (it is a David Lynch film after all, and exactly how weird is "all get-out"?), but hey, Michael Paré finally got a role (albeit a small
one) in a reputable movie! Who'd have thought it?
Upcoming Free Screenings!
"Hey Johnny, thanks for putting forth a little effort to update TMM every single day with fresh, exciting, and hilariously original material, but when are you gonna give us some
free stuff again?"
Welp, good news my dear ungrateful local readers! I will be sponsoring two upcoming screenings - Balls of Fury and Shoot Em Up. Look for sign-ups tomorrow. So run,
you cur ... RUN! Tell all the other curs the Movie Mark's comin'! You tell 'em I'M coming, and free screenings are coming with me, you hear? Free screenings are coming with
me!
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Has anybody ever heard of this band? They're perhaps the worst band I've ever seen perform on live TV. Last night's Conan was a repeat featuring these guys, and the lead
singer is mind-numbingly awful. "Nasally" doesn't even begin to describe his voice. The best comparison I can make is if you took a wounded cat in heat and taught it to
mumble a few lyrics then you'd get an idea of what this guy sounds like.
And it's not like he's a good songwriter who just can't sing. Nope. The lyrics of the song they performed consisted of him saying "Satan" (he pronounced it "say ten") over and over.
Here's how it broke down:
Lead singer mumbles "Satan" nine times in a row
He mumbles "dancing" 15 times
He mumbles "Satan" nine more times
The band yells out "SAID DANCE!"
He mumbles "Satan" nine more times
Band shouts "SAID DANCE!" one last time
Concludes with nine more mumbled "Satan"s
The repetitiveness of Fergie's My Humps ain't got nothin' on this! It doesn't help that he has the stage presence and personality of a dried scab. I've seen a dried scab
perform on stage, and believe me, it's not pretty. Who wants to bet there's a band somewhere called Dried Scab? Let's do a Google search...
Hmm, couldn't find anything, but I'm confident there's an unsigned local band in some hidden hole-in-the-wall with that name.
Anyway, I'm sure the band's fans will call the guy's voice "quirky" and "eccentric," but I'm sorry, he just can't sing. He's the musical world's equivalent of a Sci-Fi Original.
I just clapped my hands and said "yeah."
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to listen to some classic rock and cleanse my aural palate.
Movie Mark Original #2 Revisited
Yet another blast from the past but now with a brand new poster!
Title: Fire Ants: It's Picnic Time
Tagline: It can carry 50 times its own weight ... IN DEATH!
Cast: Michael Paré and some good-lookin' chick who is the least likely
biology teacher
Synopsis: A small, isolated community is located near a nuclear power plant. Unbeknownst to
the populace, a radiation leak is polluting their food, and fire ants that are eating that food from picnics are
starting to mutate.
Once residents start to notice human-sized ants walking around, they seek help from the sheriff (Paré) and a local
biology teacher (a hot chick with minimal acting experience). Unable to offer an explanation as to why the radiation
isn't affecting humans, animals, or other insects, it's decided that they at least need to find an answer on how to
deal with the mutated fire ants.
Sheriff Paré defiantly declares, "It's time to fight fire ... ants ... WITH FIRE!"
Coming soon to the back shelf of an unknown video rental chain near you.
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August 15, 2007
Cuba Gooding Junior Sequel Ideas
As I've previously documented, Cuba Gooding Junior's days of being take seriously as an actor are as far gone as Tom Cruise's days of being taken as a heterosexual actor. If the man
will star in a sequel to an Eddie Murphy movie then he'll clearly star in anything. My guess is his next career step downward will involve direct-to-DVD sequels of his own crappy
movies. Welp, allow me to jump on this gravy train and offer a few ideas. This is what I like to refer to as beatin' Hollywood to the punch.
5. CHILL FACTOR 2 - CHILLIN' OUT
Tagline: This Summer, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
Synopsis: Arlo and Tim are back, and Tim has decided to join Arlo in the ice cream truck driving business. The unlikely duo spend their days driving around
neighborhoods delivering ice cream and looking out for kids who might be running lemonade scams. Their extensive knowledge of watered down scripts helps them recognize watered down
lemonade when they see it.
4. SNOW DOGS 2 - IT'S SLEDDY BYE TIME! aka BROTHA'S GOTTA EAT
Tagline: He's been racing his dogs all day and he is sled tired!
Synopsis: Ted Brooks has decided to leave dentistry behind and dedicate his life to racing his sled dogs. However, it turns out to be way more work
than he would have ever imagined, leaving him too tired to engage in a social life. Hijinks and shenanigans ensue when his friends set him up with a Chinese chef who, when she served as
a cook in China, was fond of a special recipe involving a particular type of meat that will most assuredly not sit well with the dog-loving Brooks.
3. BOAT TRIP 2: THE MUSICAL
Tagline: This movie just got gayer.
Synopsis: Take the plot line of the first, ramp up the clichés and stereotypes, make it a musical, and voila.
2. THE FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS 2: THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CUBA GOODING JUNIOR
Tagline: Don't fight the paycheck.
Synopsis: This documentary explores Cuba Gooding Junior's inability to turn down any role that he's offered. Special attention is given to his record-breaking
speed in endorsing paychecks.
1. ROD TIDWELL: SHOW ME THE MONEY aka JERRY MAGUIRE 2
Tagline: You had me at 'here's the check.'
Synopsis: Reprising his Oscar-winning role, Cuba Gooding Junior plays it a little too close to reality as his character has since retired from football and will
now do absolutely anything and everything for that next pay day. Even worse, sometimes he'll do anything just for a Payday. Especially if it's a hard-to-find chocolate one.
Have You Ever...
...been watching TV and said to yourself, "That dude looks familiar" and then been flushed with sadness upon the realization that it's Carrie Fisher?
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August 14, 2007
Movie Mark Original #27
Title: The Preposition Proposition
Tagline: He's Hard to Kill on Deadly Ground
Cast: Steven Seagal, Lorenzo Lamas, Dennis Hopper, and Gary Busey
Synopsis: Steven Seagal is Lou Tenant, an undercover mercenary for justice who begins his day going out for a walk but by nightfall is out for a kill.
Lou's trouble begins when he receives a mysterious phone call informing him that his son is under siege. Tension escalates when he receives a second, unrelated phone call
telling him that his wife is under siege 2.
Lou has 24 hours to deliver $5 million to two separate entities or his family dies. After investigating the problem, Lou discovers that his son has been kidnapped by Kill Yu,
the leader of a Chinese Triad (Hopper) who thinks he is above the law. His wife, on the other hand, is the victim of Russian mafia leader Boris Killshovic (Busey).
When Lou fails in his plan to get the President to issue an executive decision to pay the ransom money, he decides to enlist the help of his well-meaning but overly-needy former
partner Cody Pendent (Lamas). Once thought to be half past dead, Pendent has merely been living in seclusion, trying to overcome certain psychological conditions that forced
him into retirement long ago.
With a price on their head as well, Tenant and Pendent have been marked for death, but they are ready to show their adversaries that they are hard to kill ... especially when
standing on deadly ground. Can they face the fire down below and not get burned? Or will they discover victory to be just out of reach? Every Seagal cliché in the book
ensues.
Pivotal Scenes: After discovering the location of the Chinese Triad, Tenant immediately rushes in and shoots one of them dead. Looking at the other
two members of the Triad, Tenant stares into the camera and deadpans, "Three's a crowd."
Meanwhile, Pendent has accidentally stumbled upon the Russian mafia's hideout. One of the mafia members notices him and asks what he's doing. Pendent replies, "I'm here to
ge-STOP-you!" The Russian Mafioso looks confused, wondering if this buffoon is trying to make a pun out of "Gestapo." He begins to explain that he's Russian, not German, but
this gives Pendent just enough time to make his move and take him down.
Coming Attractions: The teaser trailer for Seagal's next film, Out of Ideas, will be attached to the print.
Movie Mark Original #1 Revisited
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to take a little trip back to the past. As I mentioned last week, TMM's official paparazzo, Trantee, has volunteered to design posters for many
of the Movie Mark Originals. Today I present you with the very first MMO along with its freshly-designed poster. More of these are on the way so just stay tuned for all sorts of
fun.
Click here for even more Movie Mark Originals.
Title: Queen Bee: Breakin' Out in Hives
Tagline: Neglected her whole life, now she'll never be A DRONE!
Cast: Stephen Baldwin, Clare Wren, and Ty Miller
Synopsis: Blessed with a natural beauty and Southern charm, Rachel (Wren) never had a problem
attracting men. Unfortunately, she seemed cursed to always attract the wrong men. True love forever eluding her,
Rachel must often resort to the beauty and tranquility of her well-kept garden to bring her peace and happiness.
That peace is shattered one day when Rachel is repeatedly stung by a radioactive bee in her garden, turning her into
a human-sized Queen Bee. Her instinct now leads her on a mission to turn all the men who spurned her into her drones.
Two of her intended victims - the wise-cracking surfer, Brolin (Baldwin), and his computer programming friend Josh
(Miller) - are responsible for stopping her BEE-stly rampage.
Brolin's expertise as a surfer has helped him learn all about the importance of weather conditions and gives him an
inside track on how to possibly take Queen Bee out of her element while Josh thinks he may have discovered a
"computer algorithm" that could reverse the process. All sorts of bad one-liners, cheesy puns, and incorrect techno
jargon ensues.
There you have it. My very first pitch for a Movie Mark Original. In regard to the cast I figured I'd give a little
work to some The Young Riders alum. If Clare Wren is unavailable (and I doubt that), then Shannon Tweed can
always fill in for her. Give me a call, Sci Fi, and let's do business.
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August 13, 2007
Guess IMDb's Bad Box Office Pun
Busy weekend + slow news day = not much of an update today. Ah, if I could only snap my fingers and make it different, but alas and alack. Sometimes it's hard to generate any real
excitement regarding Hollywood when the most notable news is Rush Hour 3 raking in $50+ million at the box office. Yeehaw. So, what bad pun will IMDb pull from its
coffers? Obviously, the word "rush" will be in there somewhere. I'm gonna go with...
A 'Rush' to the top of the box office
More on the Two Coreys
I finally forced myself to watch episode 2 of The Two Coreys last night and it was even worse than the first. The "plot" of the episode was the two tooleys would join forces to
quit smoking. Somewhere down the road, the episode took a horribly wrong turn and Haim and Feld-turd were shirtless in a tent professing their love for each other. Don't ask me. Of
course, by the end of the episode Haim pulls out a cigarette and we're supposed to erupt in a maniacal fit of laughter because of the irony of it all. I erupted in a fit of maniacal
vomit after realizing I'd just given these douchebags 20 more minutes of my life.
But you know what? I still insist on watching the episode where they attend a 20-year Lost Boys reunion. Watching Haim fake cry when Feldman breaks the news that he isn't
wanted for the sequel has to be worth it, right? Probably not.
Oh, and just to give y'all more of an idea of just how fake this show is I'd like to point out that the house isn't even Feldman's. Nope. It's one they rented specifically for
the show. It's in Canada, where the show is filmed. It's cheaper than filming in the U.S. That's right; everything about the show is fake, especially Feldman's wife's breasts.
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August 10, 2007
Opening this Week
   
We've got four big releases this weekend, and I haven't seen a single one. Two weren't screened here, I couldn't make the screening for one, and I voluntarily skipped the other.
Here's the rundown on the lowdown (or something like that):
STARDUST
Director: Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake)
Stars: Robert De Niro, Charlie Cox, Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Sienna Miller
Rated: PG-13 (for some fantasy violence and risqué humor)
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
Tagline: This summer a star falls. The chase begins.
Length: 128 minutes
Website: Stardust
Studio: Paramount Pictures
The Plot: There's a villager of whom I have never heard (Cox) who desperately wants to win the heart of Sienna Miller. So what does he do?
Sets out to fetch a newly fallen star. Ah, but he soon discovers this fallen star is actually a young woman (Danes) with secret powers who looks a lot like the chick from
My So-Called Life. It doesn't take long for her powers to grab the attention of a king's (De Niro) scheming heirs and a powerful witch (Pfeiffer) who wants to stay young
forever.
Johnny's Take: I really wanted to see this one, but unfortunately Memphis didn't get a screening. Why not? Because Hollywood hates
Memphis, apparently. And as most of you know, if Johnny no see for free then Johnny usually wait for DVD. However, TMM message board's Tangentgirl saw it
and loved it.
This is based on a novel by Neil Gaman, of which TG is a fan, and she reports that it's a successful adaptation. If you want more details on the movie then feel
free to read TG's review here.
RUSH HOUR 3
Director: Brett Ratner (the douchebag that marred X-Men 3)
Stars: Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, and Vinnie Jones
Rated: PG-13 (for sequences of action violence, sexual content, nudity and language)
Genre: Action/Comedy
Tagline: This summer they're kicking it in Paris
Length: 90 minutes
Website: Rush Hour 3
Studio: New Line Cinema
The Plot: Whiny, high-pitched Detective James Carter (Tucker) teams up with Jackie Chan to do the same crap they did in the last two movies except in
a different locale - Paris.
Johnny's Take: This was screened on Tuesday, but I had softball practice, and you know what? I really don't feel like I missed out on much. The
trailers haven't sparked an iota of interest, Chris Tucker has a tendency to annoy me more than overzealous autograph seekers, and I have yet to hear anybody offer up even a hint
of praise. Plus, I still haven't forgiven Brett Ratner for X-Men 3.
DADDY DAY CAMP
Director: Fred Savage (poor Kevin Arnold)
Stars: Cuba Gooding Jr., Lochlyn Munro, and nobody else you've heard of
Rated: PG
Genre: Family "Comedy"
Tagline: The summer is going to be in tents.
Length: 89 minutes
Website: Daddy Day Camp
Studio: Sony Pictures
The Plot: Cuba Gooding Jr. looks to further ruin his career, oops, I mean expand his day care business by opening up a camp for kids. Yeehaw.
Johnny's Take: Whoa. Now wait just a minute. Does the tagline for this film really use "in tents" as a play on "intense"? Unbelievable. Cuba Gooding Jr.
clearly sold his soul to the devil for his Oscar and now he's paying big time. If this doesn't end his career then I don't know what it'll take. Folks, this is a sequel to an Eddie
Murphy movie that even Eddie Murphy refused to star in! What's worse, the white dude from Daddy Day Care wouldn't even do this film!
Gooding Jr. has by far surpassed Ben Kingsley in the "Oscar winners with terrible judgment" department. This summer is going to be in tents. Somebody got paid to write that.
I'm absolutely stunned.
SKINWALKERS
Director: James Isaac
Stars: Rhona Mitra, Jason Behr, and Elias Koteas
Rated: PG-13 (for intense sequences of violence and action, some sexual material and language)
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Tagline: They live among us. They hunt us.
Length: 110 minutes
Website: Skinwalkers
Studio: After Dark Films
The Plot: A 13-year-old boy is targeted by two werewolf packs in the midst of a brutal civil war; while one side wants him dead, the other
looks to protect him at all costs -- leaving it up to the boy's mother to keep him safe, and discover why her child is so valued.
Johnny's Take: It's no surprise that this wasn't screened because it's only getting a release on 650 theaters. Rhona Mitra is smokin'
hot, and for that reason alone I'll be more than happy to check this out once it hits DVD shelves which *checks watch* should be any minute now.
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August 9, 2007
The Movie Mark's Top 5 Werewolf Memories
I have something new I want to try. Every week I would like to attempt a Top 5 list that relates in some way to one of that week's big screen releases. It might revolve around a certain genre or
perhaps it'll explore a subject involving an actor from one of the movies.
This week I'm not interested in talking about Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker, Cuba Gooding Junior's failing career, or "three-quels." So what shall we look at instead? Well, one of this
week's theatrical releases is Skinwalkers. The plot has something to do with a 12 year old boy and his mother becoming the targets of two warring werewolf packs. To be honest,
this most likely wouldn't be on my radar if not for the gorgeous presence of Ms. Rhona Mitra.
So let's run with the werewolf theme. I want to take a look at my five most memorable moments involving werewolves and/or werewolf movies. Please note this list is not defining the five
best or five worst movies within the genre. It could be a combination of anything. I'm making it flat-out random. That keeps it exciting, right?
I'm sure I'll run with this idea for about two weeks before getting bored with it, but let's give it a shot.
5. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
I haven't seen this in years, but I remember that, judging by the accompanying nightmares, I was just a tad bit too young when I originally watched it. I was probably 11 or 12, and
it was one of those films that would periodically come on around 1:00 AM on Friday nights. My parents were always asleep at this time, and they had no idea I was huddled under my
blanket watching all sorts of scary movies.
At the time, my bedroom was downstairs, and I was completely by myself down there. Adding to the creepy factor was some spooky woods right behind my room. It housed all sorts of animals
that liked to make howling noises through the night.
Combine that with werewolves ripping people in half, and it didn't take long for me to regret my decision to watch this. The thing that really stands out is it had a slowed-down,
really eerie cover version of Creedence Clearwater Revival's Bad Moon Rising. Apparently it was performed by some dude named Meco, but I can't find a version of it online.
4. CURSED
Perhaps the worst werewolf movie I have ever seen. I still love my line, "Cursed, huh? Well, that appropriately describes what a
lot of moviegoers did when the final credits started to roll." Put THAT on the DVD cover, Miramax! This is a movie so bad that the most genuinely funny thing in it is Scott Baio's
cameo as Scott Baio. I think that says it all.
The best thing about the film is it inspired one of my most hilarious reviews ever (you should read it if
you have yet to do so), and it also generated a little fanboy hate mail (see the May 3, 2005) entry. Ah, good times.
3. THE BEAST OF BRAY ROAD
This is not a great movie, but it stands out because it's one of the most watchable movies I have yet to see
on the Sci-Fi Channel, and it was much better than CURSED (which had Wes Craven's name and a much bigger budget attached to it).
The "werewolf" consists of a dude running around in a gray costume, but I gotta give credit to a low-budget film that is at least somewhat self-aware with moments like one hot chick
telling another hot chick, "I know you're all smart with your glasses, but this is an on-going investigation here." Now remember, I said these movies and moments stand out for
specific reasons, so don't mistake this for a rental recommendation. You might want to read my review before deciding to spend time
and/or money on this one. It contains my suggestions on how to make a tremendously fabulous low-budget werewolf movie that's filled to the ol' brim with cheese. I rather like
my ideas, and I'm sure you will to.
Come on, I worked a Bob Seger reference into a werewolf movie! That's pure genius and you know it.
2. TEEN WOLF - To be honest, the movie itself isn't all that memorable. Sure, Michael J. Fox was riding a hot wave of success, and I enjoyed this when I was
10 years old, but does it stand the test of time? I'm highly skeptical. The reason it comes so quickly to mind is that last year during my softball team's magical run to the championship,
we played a team loaded with homerun hitters.
When they got their first homerun the guys in the dugout started going crazy, shouting, "WOOOOOOO! There's a full moon out tonight! TEEN WOLF, BABY! TEEN WOLF!" I have no idea what
that meant. It was cloudy, and I saw no full moon. Then they yelled to the homerun hitter, "Give us a flex!" So what does the guy do? Stops in the middle of the baseline between 2nd
and 3rd base and starts flexing. I almost tackled him right there, but I didn't want to risk being kicked out of the game. From that point on, whenever we'd get a hit or score a run
I'd start yelling, "TEEN WOLF, BABY! WOOOOO!" I could tell the other team didn't like it. But hey, that's part of the mental game I play. They got flustered and started to make
mistakes.
A couple of innings later, another member of the other team hit a homerun. There was a man on 1st base, and after the homerun, in another case of bad sportsmanship, he just walked
around the bases. Didn't even bother trotting or jogging. My coach made a comment about the guy being a better sport, but he just looked at him and continued to walk.
I was already perturbed by the earlier flexing episode, so I said to the guy, "Why don't you try moving a little faster?" He just smirked. Fed up with this attitude, I decided to
fight fire with fire. I walked towards the guy, started flexing, and shouted, "WHERE'S TEEN WOLF NOW, BABY! WOOOOO!" Apparently being approached by a flexing, shouting guy who somewhat
resembles Jesus is enough to instill a little fear. The smirk quickly turned into a look of confusion and he jogged the rest of the way home.
I wonder if Michael J. Fox realizes just how far his influence has stretched?
1. UNDERWORLD
For my money, the Underworld series is the best of the werewolf genre. I started TMM after the release
of the original Underworld, but you're more than welcome to read my review of its sequel - Underworld: Evolution.
Kate Beckinsale as a vampire posing in black leather + firearms + blasting away werewolves = a must-see in Johnny's book! All of you purists out there can curl up with your
copy of Bela Lugosi's Wolf Man if you like, but Ms. Beckinsale is how I roll!
Honorable mention: Bad Moon, starring Michael Pare. Why? Because any movie with Michael Paré is worth some kind of mention, be it good or bad. And usually, it's
bad.
Coming Tomorrow
Previews and prognostications of this week's releases.
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August 8, 2007
HATE MAIL: Dark Storm has a defender?
Folks, Satan has just pulled out a parka because somebody is defending Stephen Baldwin's Dark Storm. No, I am not kidding. I received this
nice little email from some guy named Jo. His comments are in firebrick (for those of you in Frayser or Rio Linda that's a color), my responses are in black.
I am wondering what your real agenda is in rubbishing this movie to the degree that you did?
To save my readers time and money. It's my way of giving a little something back to the community.
Did we watch the same movie?
Not if you thought this was good.
Perhaps you should stop being such an arrogant pr**k and take my mothers advice, "if you can't be constructive in your critism, don't open your mouth"
Why didn't your mother advise you on the proper usage of periods and possessive nouns? If you'd prefer that I be constructive in my criticism then here you go: "critism" isn't a
word. Spell Check is your friend.
Oh, by the way. Do you have a degree in Physics? No.
Hmm, apparently your mother also failed to advise you on why it's bad to make assumptions. But since when is it required that a viewer have a degree in Physics to watch and comment on
a Sci-Fi Original?
So here's the constructive part. Take a long walk of a short pier. No just kidding. I think the problem is that, like food critics, you get too much excellent
food and therefore anything not perfect is rubbish.
No, anything that bores me to tears is rubbish.
Do you recall how spiderman got his powers, or the Hulk. Shouldn't that have killed them.
What does this have to do with my review or comments regarding the movie?
Did you not make the connection, that the "Dark Matter technology" is taken straight out of Nostradamus's Prophecies? No.
Nope, that connection was definitely lost on me. And you know what? In retrospect, possessing that knowledge does not make the movie the slightest bit more entertaining. In fact, I
think I like it even less now.
Your comment that his powers just happen to appear when he needed them. Did you not notice that he concentrated to activate the "Power"
I notice that you shy away from proper punctuation. Are you sure you're talking about my review? I re-read it, and nowhere do I make a statement about his powers
happening when he needs them. Is somebody smokin' a little dark matter of his own?
I must admit that it certainly isn't the best movie ever made, but it was far from boring. I believe your expectations are just too high, or you're just spoilt.
My expectations are too high for having no desire to be lulled into a stupor?
P.s. and before you cast any aspersions against my intellect, here are my vitals.
Age: 46
IQ: 149 (tested many times)
ED: Bsc (physics, mathematics), Advanced Electronics and communications certificate. (No, I'm not a nerd)
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 110KG Not a blockhead either.
Let me guess - you also eat lightning and crap thunder, right? I have no idea how much 110KG is because in America we don't use the metric system. USA! USA! USA!
PPS. This is the first time I have written in like this and b**ched at someone, but I am just getting sick and tired of morons expressing their opinion and
influencing people even stupider than they are.
So did mama's advice about constructive criticism allow for you to call people stupid morons? Call her down to the basement and ask her, if you don't mind. Honestly, I would expect
a much cleverer putdown from someone claiming to have an IQ of 149.
I consider it an honor to have written a review that so incited your furor that you decided to respond for the first time ever. Unfortunately, after bragging about your mother's
advice on offering constructive criticism, you had to go and call me a moron and refer to all my fine readers as stupid. Not wise, my friend.
The biker boots have been pulled out, and they're being polished.
Movie Mark Originals Update
I've got a new Movie Mark Original that I'm working on. Here's a sneak preview:
Title: Mutton for Punishment
Tagline: He's not sheepish about pain.
I'm thinking this will work best as CGI.
Also, TMM's official paparazzi, Trantee, has volunteered to design posters for many of the Movie Mark Originals. I'll debut the Queen Bee: Breakin' Out in Hives
poster tomorrow. Stay tuned.
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August 7, 2007
On DVD This Week
"Disturbia doesn't exactly bust out the shovel and break any new ground within the thriller genre, but it provides
just enough laughs and tension to entertain those of you who don't approach your moviegoing experience with too much pretension. Walk in expecting a little fun,
rather than greatness, and you should have a good time."
Check out my full review of Disturbia if you need more details on what to
expect. What extras can you expect with this DVD? Well, let's just take a look...
SPECIAL FEATURES
- Commentary by director D.J. Caruso, Shia LeBeouf, and Sarah Roemer
- Serial Pursuit Trivia Pop-Up Quiz
- The Making of Disturbia
- Deleted Scenes
- Outtakes
If you're looking for a few laughs mixed in with a few thrills and can handle a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously then
Disturbia is well worth the rental.
"I haven't started any preliminary space cleaning on my shelves for the DVD, but TMNT is a fine re-start on the series. Rather
than remake any of the originals, the filmmakers decided to go with a fresh storyline in a completely CGI world, and have thus laid good groundwork in moving forward."
You know what? "WHAT?!?!" There's a little thing I'd like to introduce you to called Johnny's review of TMNT. You really should
check it out. It's by far the funniest, most accurate review of the movie that I have read.
"Oh really? And how many reviews of the movie have you read?"
That's beside the point. Let's see what extras are offered:
SPECIAL FEATURES
- Alternate endings
- Audio Commentary by writer and director Kevin Munroe
- Deleted Scenes
- Interviews with voice talents Patrick Stewart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Laurence Fishburne and the filmmakers
This was much better than I was expecting. It's definitely a little darker take on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but it should be fine for children 10 and older.
If you're looking for something new and bearable to watch with the children then you just might find this to be a passable rental.
ALSO ON DVD THIS WEEK
Jack and Squat. Seriously, if you want to take a chance on Are We Done Yet?, I Think I Love My Wife, or Unaccompanied Minors then knock yourself out.
I'm not wasting my time.
The Two Coreys
I planned on watching another episode of The Two Coreys last night, but sadly, I fell asleep. But never fear, dear readers, I shall watch at least one more
tonight! I simply can't wait to see Corey Haim cry when Feld-dog delivers the news that he's not wanted for the Lost Boys sequel. And my breath is baited
anticipating the scene where Haim, referencing Feldman's wife, screams, "She'll never be part of the two Coreys!" or something like that. These are good days in
television, my friends, good days indeed.
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August 6, 2007
Special Delivery
It was a calm Thursday afternoon. I just arrived home from a hard day of work, and there it was. Sitting on my front porch with all the regality of a king on his throne. A manila
package. Not large by anybody's estimations, but not small either. Pretty much what you'd expect.
I walked over to the package, leaned over, and gently picked it up. I immediately searched for the sender's name, and it might as well have been addressed from the North Pole - The
Asylum.
For those of you who don't know, The Asylum is a movie company that specializes in low-budget flicks - more specifically low-budget movies that are eerily similar in title and theme
to popular big-budget films. Many people accuse them of ripping off studio films, but hey, it's a business model that actually works. The Asylum calls their movies "tie-ins," claiming
they use similar titles in order to tie into theatrical movies that already possess awareness within the marketplace. Examples include The Da Vinci Treasure, Snakes on a
Train, When a Killer Calls, Pirates of Treasure Island, Hillside Cannibals, etc. Get the gist?
The theory is that when someone goes to rent The Da Vinci Code and there are no copies on the shelf (stretching it, I know) then he may look over and see The Da Vinci
Treasure next to it on the shelf and think, "Hmm, starring C. Thomas Howell? Well, this has to be worth a laugh. I'll give it a shot." I say "he" because women are less
likely to use such reasoning. They'll just look for a DVD cover containing a shirtless Matthew McConaughey. Apparently this strategy is making The Asylum a lot of money, so they
keep making these movies.
Well, it's no secret that I'm always up for a little cheesy, low-budget entertainment, so I sent The Asylum a request to be added to their press list. I basically said, "Yo, Johnny
B. in the house. Send me your DVDs for free, I'll give 'em the 'Johnny Betts treatment,' and it'll increase your marketplace awareness even more." Johnny spoke; The Asylum listened.
They agreed to send me copies of their DVDs, and here it was - my very first one.
My arms were shaking. Not out of nervousness or excitement mind you, I had also stopped by the gym on the way home. I gotta keep these guns in prime condition, after all. I just sat there and
read the address over and over. This was simply too good to be true. A movie company sending me material for my site ... FOR FREE! Can life get any better? Yes, it can, but that's a
philosophical discussion best saved for another day.
I decided I had enough of the "Christmas morning" antics and began to tear away at the envelope. It seemed as if I were opening it in slow motion. Piece after piece
pirouetted to the ground as I became more and more determined to reach my destination. Finally, I looked inside...
There in my strong, yet surprisingly nimble, fingers was my very own copy of ... TRANSMORPHERS! I'll give you one guess regarding this movie's big screen tie-in. If you don't
get it then you're no longer allowed to read TMM.
The back of the DVD claims the movie is The Matrix, Aliens, and Starship Troopers all rolled into one. That may be overstating it, but we shall see. Mr. Shade
and I will convene soon for a viewing, and I can assure you a review will be forthcoming. Of all the press lists I've been added to, this one may prove to be the most rewarding for you fine readers. All
seven of you.
REVIEW: The Two Coreys
Episode 1 - Actor Corey Haim moves in with actor Corey Feldman and his wife, Susie.
I got my satellite connected on Saturday, and what was my first order of business? To immediately record all missed episodes of The Two Coreys. Hey, smart aleck,
you don't have to tell me how pathetically sad that is. Believe me; I know.
Despite its 30 minutes length, I'm only gonna be able to make it through these one at a time. It's simply one of the worst "reality" shows I've ever seen. It's completely staged,
meaning we're forced to watch Corey Feldman and Corey Haim attempt to *shudder* act.
I wonder if the narrator was able to keep a straight face when he referred to Feldman as a "working actor"?
Anyway, the entire first episode consisted of Haim (who sounds like he's been sucking on helium) moving into Feldman's house and acting like a total douchebag - tracking mud through
the house and whining when Feldman complained about it, leaving melted ice cream on his bed, etc. I'm not sure how Haim thought it'd be a good idea to showcase himself as possessing
the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.
One of the worst examples of how fake and scripted this is concerns a scene with Feldman and his wife (Susie) making out in the hot tub, demonstrating less knowledge of chemistry than
a 6th grade science student, when Haim hops in and deadpans, "Am I interrupting?" Yeah, Corey, you're interrupting my life. Thanks.
The only time I laughed is when Susie (who loves to wear shirts that have severe problems holding in her cleavage) "cries." I've seen more convincing performances
from Ashley Judd. I almost chuckled when Haim complained about not having a girlfriend, and Feldman told him he's Corey *edited* Haim, and he can get any woman he wants. Yeah.
Right. This ain't 1985, Feld-dog.
A big sub-plot of this episode was some freak from PETA coming over to the Feldman abode for dinner. The Feldmans are vegans, you see. Susie claims when you eat an animal
you ingest their bad karma, blah blah blah. I claim she's been ingesting a few strange things herself, but I digress. Haim isn't looking forward to the all-vegetable meal, so he
"secretly" orders a pepperoni pizza. Oh imagine the hilarious hijinks and shenanigans that ensue when the pizza man comes to the door rather than calling Haim two minutes prior to
arrival as he was instructed. It's pathetic.
Oh, and what's up with Feldman wearing sunglasses to make breakfast? Huh? What a tool.
It's not a fun watch, so why in the world is the fake drama and bad acting so intriguing to me? Why do I see a preview of Feldman and Haim acting like they're about to get in a
fight and think, "I've gotta see that"?
I have three more episodes recorded, and as I plow through them I will report back.
The most telling line is when Haim comments, "The only thing worse than an ex-smoker is two." Replace "smoker" with "actor" and he's hit the nail on the head.
Guess IMDb's Box Office Pun
To no one's surprise, The Bourne Ultimatum took home the box office crown this weekend with over $70 million. So with what bad
pun will IMDb commemorate it? I'll go with...
Bourne sets box office ultimatum
or
Top at the box office: Bourne Again
Stay tuned.
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August 3, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: The Bourne Ultimatum
"The pace starts on a quick note and rarely slows. Tension is sustained throughout in what is essentially one long game of cat-and-mouse. Dialogue is sparse, though
often funny, allowing the story to be told through the action. The positive to this is the film is always exciting to watch. The downside is the story suffers. The
revelation regarding who Bourne is, what he did, and who was responsible left me wanting a little more. My reaction was, 'That's it? They build the mystery of his
character over the course of three movies and that's the payoff? Ben Affleck's a douchebag.'"
Johnny reviews The Bourne Ultimatum, starring Matt Damon, Julia "Round Face" Stiles, David Strathairn, Scott
"Hey, it's THAT guy" Glenn, and Joan Allen.
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August 2, 2007
Just in Case I Needed Less Incentive to Watch The View
The only time I have ever watched The View was when Josh Brolin made an appearance to promote Mister Sterling. It's always good to see Josh on TV doing
promotional work, but when it's The View I have to suffer through a bunch of "what a homo" remarks via friends and acquaintances who have nothing better to do
than be jealous of the fulfillment of my Josh success prognostications.
But other than that, I couldn't watch more than two minutes of Star Jones before my gag reflex started to kick in. So after Star was fired, what did they do? Hired the
one celebrity woman who is even less appealing - Rosie O'Donnell. Thankfully, America finally got sick of her loud mouth and she and the show parted ways.
Now, if the producers were to come to me and ask, "Hey Johnny, who could we find as a replacement who would be nearly as unappealing as Rosie?" then Whoopi Goldberg would
easily be at the top of my list. Well, guess what? You got it - Ms. Goldberg has been confirmed as the new co-host.
It's as if they're intentionally trying to keep males from watching. I don't know why I cared enough to post this, but I found it interesting that they keep going with
the most puzzling choices possible. What overly-opinionated, unattractive, loud mouth female is next? Any chance they'll stick Michael Moore in a dress and see if
anybody notices?
TV/Projector Advice
I've been looking at the possibility of getting a big screen HDTV (I've done a TON of research), but I'm holding off until I feel like paying an extra $10 to $20 a month
for HD programming. In the meantime, I'm looking into the possibility of getting a projector and building my own projector screen. Of course, that entails buying
expensive cables, figuring out how to make them less noticeable, etc.
Anybody wanna offer up some advice or personal experiences regarding either an HDTV or a projector? I'd mainly love a projector to watch my DVDs. As much as I enjoy Conan, I
really don't feel the need to get an HDTV and an HD package just to watch him in high-def. But hey, if I can get the right projector set up for fairly cheap then I'm
willing to listen.
Send me an email and let me know. If you do then I promise to post my Bourne Ultimatum review tomorrow.
"Wouldn't you do that anyway, Johnny?"
Well, yeah, but don't tell anybody.
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August 1, 2007
Opening this Week
   
Lots of movies opening this week, only one of which will get the JB review treatment.
The Bourne Ultimatum - Jason Bourne puts together the final pieces of his identity. I screened it last night, and it delivers. Though I'm not exactly sure
what his ultimatum was. Perhaps the press notes will clear that up. I could say more, but that would probably encourage you to not bother reading my review on Friday, and that wouldn't
really do any of us any good, now would it? I didn't think so.
Hot Rod - Andy Samburg (the dude from the Chronic(what)cles of Narnia SNL video who is not Chris Parnell) plays an accident-prone daredevil. The trailers are
fairly amusing, but I get a bad feeling that's where most of the funny jokes will stay. Could be good, but how many times can a guy ram his motorcycle into something before the joke
starts wearing a little thin? Six. I counted.
This was screened the same night as The Bourne Ultimatum, and come on; do you think that was a tough decision?
Underdog - I recoiled in horror the first time I watched the trailer. Why in the wide, wide world of sports is this live action? I watched the Underdog cartoon
some as a kid, and I thought they'd at least go the CGI route with this, but nope, apparently that wanted to produce something horrendous. I'm shocked they convinced Jason Lee to do the
voice. I bet Bob Saget was their second choice.
Bratz: The Movie - More like Bratz: The Skippy. You know, "skippy" as in I'll be skipping this one? Yeah, that was really bad. Trust me; I realize
that, and I apologize.
This is based on a TV show or some stupid toys or something. Don't know; don't care; ain't lookin' it up. Maybe if I were a 13-year-old girl then I'd express the slightest bit
of interest.
El Cantante - A biography of enigmatic performer Hector Lavoe (Greg Antony), who introduced salsa music to the U.S. in the 1960s. Also starring Jennifer
Lopez.
"Hey Johnny, you gonna check this one out?"
No.
"Why not, jerkface?"
What part of "a movie about the dude who brought salsa music to the U.S." do you not understand?
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