BREAKING NEWS - DECEMBER 2004

December 30, 2004

"The Machinist is a little slow-paced at times, but I enjoyed following the mystery and I kept hope alive that the twist at the end would be something really original. It isn't, however, and that made for an unsatisfying experience. The acting is solid, the atmosphere is dark, and the potential is there, so that's why I left so frustrated. With a thriller/mystery like this, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ENDING! I was hoping for Memento, but I got something more along the lines of Secret Window. Nothing terrible, but nothing really to go back to."

December 29, 2004

"Corey Feldman. This guy hasn't done anything of note in over 10 years, and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys gives us a clear reason why. His overacting is horrible. Sure, this movie doesn't take itself too seriously, but come on. Watching Feldman talk like some sort of evil scientist wannabe who sounds like he has done nothing but smoke unfiltered cigarettes his entire life is about as bad as watching Dustin Diamond in the year 2000 trying to sound like Screech from 1989.

Plus, Feldman is sportin' some weird bluish gray hair to make it look like he is old enough to have a daughter who looks almost older than he is. It looked like a wig, but I'm not 100% sure on that. However, I am 100% sure that it looked stupid. I'd also like to add that if there were an award for 'Worst Running Scene' in a movie, then he'd win it easily. You can't outrun a 2-foot doll? I know you're not much taller than that, but please."

December 28, 2004

December 27, 2004

1. My review of Corey Feldman's new movie Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. It's absolutely horrible, so you know I can't wait to sink my teeth into this one.



2. My long-anticipated article on Corey Feldman. His latest "movie" (and British Lisa's strong desire to read it) is what helped convince me to go ahead and finish the thing, which I plan on doing before week's end.



3. My review of The Machinist. Seriously, I think I'll actually sit down and write it.



4. My choices for Best and Worst Movies of the Year. Unlike most critics' "Best of" lists, my list will most likely contain all movies you've actually heard of.

1. A special feature on the infamously bad Troll 2. I'll write a review, but what's even more exciting is I've managed to get two cast members of the movie to do interviews! Should be fun.



2. My review of Michael Pare's Gargoyles. The best part about this review is it will contain pictures of Mr. Shade in chain mail.



3. I'm gonna lay down a challenge to Memphis' main movie critic (he writes the reviews for our newspaper). Will he accept the challenge, or will he remain silent because of his fear of the Betts?

December 22, 2004

"Barbra Streisand is a sex therapist. Oooh look, she works with old people! She teaches them how to lap dance! Hardy har. I wasn't able to laugh at that because I was too busy trying to avoid throwing up on the person sitting in front of me. Plus, Streisand has lots of sex books and statues, so you know that's rife with unoriginal jokes that we've seen plenty of times in other less-than-spectacular movies. And folks, the last thing I needed to see in life was Streisand's boobs covered in whip cream. Sheesh. Well, maybe that's not the *last* thing I needed to see, but it's not high on my list.

December 20, 2004

1. I attended two Christmas parties this weekend.
2. My cable modem is out and the cable guy won't be coming by until tomorrow (Tuesday).

December 17, 2004

"Spanglish isn't a perfect movie, and it certainly won't appeal to everyone. After all, some may find it a tad long and too dramatic for their taste. But the characters are developed just enough, and the story is crafted well enough, that I found myself interested in the relationships. I didn't mind the 2+ hour running time because I wanted to see how everything would end up. I must warn you that if you want a romantic movie that turns out EXACTLY like you want it to, then you could be disappointed. But you know, these characters feel real, the relationships feel real, and the result is realistic. Like in life, not all loose ends can be tied up within a 2-hour time frame."

December 16, 2004

"Speaking of the atmosphere, well, it's pretty dark. Some people may feel it's a bit *too* dark for a children's movie. I admit, I was originally a little surprised at the morbid tones - death, the attempted murder of children, vipers jumping and hissing at the screen. But if you think about it, aren't most of the old classic fairy tales pretty gloomy? For example, what happens in Hansel and Gretel? Ohhh, nothing except a witch tries to MURDER AND CANNIBALIZE two small children! And Little Red Riding Hood? That merely tackles the subject of a wolf wanting to devour a little girl. So as you see, upon further reflection, Lemony Snicket isn't all that different."

December 14, 2004

December 13, 2004

December 10, 2004

"I do not like Julia Roberts. I have NEVER understood her appeal. And not to be shallow, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. So how is that relevant to why I prefer Ocean's 12? Well, Julia was a distraction in Ocean's 11, but here she has one enjoyable scene that made me not think about how much I can't stand her! When a movie can do that, then it has really accomplished something."

December 9, 2004

"If you're anything like me, then you've spent the better part of the past seven years wanting to straight-up punch Matt Damon in the face. The guy never personally affronted me or anything, but when I actually started vomiting whenever I'd see him and Ben Affleck locked in an embrace on TV I decided I'd had enough. So to be perfectly honest with you, I would have loved nothing more than for this to be a terrible movie. I was sincerely hoping to be able to refer to it as The Boring Supremacy. I would've laughed and patted myself on the back for days. It was gonna rule. But unfortunately, those dreams weren't meant to be because Damon's gone and made a pretty entertaining movie. The jerk."

• 10 Minutes of Deleted Scenes
• Crash Cam: Car Chase Stunt Featurette
• Bourne to Be Wild: Fight Training Featurette
• Blowing Things Up: Pyrotechnical Sequence Featurette
• The Go-Mobile Revs up the Action: Action Photography Featurette
• Anatomy of a Scene: The Explosive Bridge Chase Scene
• Matching Identities: Casting Featurette
• Keeping It Real - Photo Shoot Featurette
• On the move with Jason Bourne - Travelogue Featurette

December 8, 2004

"As for Dracula? Hmm, he was all right. However, I don't know why he was made up to look like a model for International Male. Leather pants, a white shirt whose neck comes halfway down his chest, and loads of chains? Come on, what's that all about? Is Dracula headed to a rave? Do those even exist anymore?"

December 7, 2004

December 6, 2004

"Closer is a tangled love story about people who don't seem to be too interested in commitment and who have no qualms about using vulgar language. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then drink up. Otherwise, quench your thirst somewhere else."

December 3, 2004

December 2, 2004

December 1, 2004