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BREAKING NEWS - DECEMBER 2005December 30, 2005MunichAnyway, regarding the interview... According to Stephanie and my mom, I said "uh" too much. Plus, my mom said I need to say "because" instead of "cause." I told her, "I'm Southern!" She replied, "Well, in an interview you should use 'because.'" It was officially my first radio interview, so I chalked the "uhs" up to nervousness. I should be receiving a copy of the interview soon, so at that time I'll either provide a transcript or a sound file. I may even send you a copy if you want. As long as I don't get 1000 requests. Somehow I don't expect that. Thanks again to Mr. Jeff Brightwell for giving me this opportunity, and thank you to any readers who are visiting the site because you heard about it from Jeff's show. Regarding the movie, I'll post my review of Munich next week. If you decide to see it this weekend without waiting for my review then keep in mind that Spielberg played loosely with some of the facts. Just to name a few:
December 29, 2005Funniest News Stories of 2005Funniest News Stories of 2005 It's not movie related, but it's pretty funny stuff. If you don't feel like reading the whole thing then at least check out this video: Talk Show Host Laughs at Guest's Voice Hysterical. Make sure your sound is on. No, they're not speaking English, but like the article says - there's no need for an interpreter. Remember, if you're in the Memphis area then tune in to 790 AM tomorrow around 9:00 AM to hear me discuss Steven Spielberg's Munich. I want to send a huge thanks to Jeff Brightwell for this opportunity. December 28, 2005Chuck Norris and the Total Gym
It's amazing the lame stuff you can find on TV late at night when you're out of town. One such offering that I came
across at around 1:30 AM one morning was an infomercial for Chuck Norris' Total Gym. If you've ever watched it then
you know it's basically the infomercial version of a Sci-Fi Original.I initially stopped on the channel because I saw Christy Brinkley exercising (come on, can you blame me?) and I was pleasantly surprised when a couple of minutes later Chuck Norris strutted onto screen sportin' his beard and a Total Gym muscle shirt. He starts drooling over the greatness that is the Total Gym when off-screen we hear a voice horribly spit out the lines: "Yeah. right. You. can't. get. a. body. like. this. with. that." The camera pans over to a hugely muscular guy who just happens to have his shirt off. Chuck Norris, still defiant that because he's used the Total Gym for 25 years it's the best exercise equipment of all time, challenges the big guy to use it. No offense, but Norris' arms are PUNY next to this dude's, so I think muscle head has a pretty good routine going. Anyway, the guy accepts the challenge and they get on their Total Gyms. Norris talks him through the movements, and about two minutes later the workout is over. Norris, not breathing heavily at all and nary a bead of sweat in sight, asks the guy what he thinks. Meat head is so out of breath (and I think they poured some water over his head off-screen to give the appearance of sweat) that he can barely talk. Or maybe that was just his bad acting skills. Anyway, when the guy gets back from the brink of death's door (where this awesome workout set him) he unconvincingly tells all four people watching that "I'm. a. believer." Norris proceeds to lose all credibility when he introduces a video clip of Wesley Snipes by referring to Snipes as "a great actor." That was basically the point where I knew I wouldn't be buying a Total Gym. If Norris is going to tell me that Snipes is a great actor then what am I to think when he calls the Total Gym "a great piece of workout equipment"? We're taken to the totally scripted video clip of Snipes praising this revolutionary workout apparatus. The guy is sportin' a smile that totally alerts you to the fact that the only thing on his mind is which bank he'll cash this ridiculously easy paycheck. When Snipes started to go on a tangent about how he had accepted the Total Gym as his personal lord and savior, well, I decided it was time to change channels. Maybe one day I'll manage to sit through the entire infomercial. I assume there must be some more unintentional humor there. But I definitely recommend you watch at least the first 5 - 10 minutes for some "so bad it's good" laughs. You'll thank me later. Johnny Betts to do a Radio Interview!It's possible that this could turn into a weekly gig, so if you're in the Memphis area please listen. Unfortunately, I don't think 790 AM is broadcast over there Internet. I'll try to record the interview and figure out a way to post it on the site. Flex, Slugs, & RigamaroleDecember 27, 2005On DVD This Week: Into the Blue
"Into the Blue is aimed directly at the 15-30 age demographic. Anybody expecting much more than eye candy and some fast and furious water action should probably enroll in a 'Movie Expectations 101' class. If you can ignore the cheesy 'love over treasure' quotes, Jessica's attempts at emoting, the unbelievability of characters holding their breath under water for about 5 minutes, and Walker's use of outdated terminology like 'bro' and 'gnarly' then you might realize the fun quotient here is about the equivalent of a day at the beach."Special Features:
Country Lyrics - Music's Version of a Sci-Fi OriginalIt's quite amazing how few good songs you can hear over nine hours, but there was one shining light - bad country music. I don't know how many times we stopped on a country song just to laugh at the ridiculous lyrics. Alan Jackson, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, Gretchen Wilson - I would be ashamed to be associated with some of the lyrics these people gladly sing. But there's a new "worst of the worst" in town. Step out of the way, Toby Keith, because I Wanna Talk About Me has been replaced as the cheesiest country song I've ever heard. Congratulations, Trace Adkins! You are the new king of the stupid with Honky Tonk Badonkadonk. I kid you not. Check out these lyrics: Turn it up some Alright boys, this is her favorite song You know that right So, if we play it good and loud She might get up and dance again Ooh, she put her beer down Here she comes Here she comes Left left left right left Whoo Hustlers shootin' eightball Throwin' darts at the wall Feelin' [darn] near 10 ft. tall Here she comes, Lord help us all Ol' T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him outta his chair Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault It's so hard not to stare At that honky tonk badonkadonk (chorus) Keepin' perfect rhythm Make ya wanna swing along Got it goin' on Like Donkey Kong And whoo-wee Shut my mouth, slap your grandma There outta be a law Get the Sheriff on the phone Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on That honky tonk badonkadonk (Aww son) Now Honey, you can't blame her For what her mama gave her You ain't gotta hate her For workin' that money-maker Band shuts down at two But we're hangin' out till three We hate to see her go But love to watch her leave With that honky tonk badonkadonk (repeat chorus) (Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there, honey) We don't care bout the drinkin' Barely listen to the band Our hands, they start a shakin' When she gets the urge to dance Drivin' everybody crazy You think you fell in love Boys, you better keep your distance You can look but you can't touch That honky tonk badonkadonk (repeat chorus) Yeah, that honky tonk badonkadonk (That's it, right there boys, that's why we do what we do It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the free whiskey It's for the badonkadonk Honky tonk badonkadonk. I'll let that sink in for a minute... Just imagine, he actually sat down and wrote these lyrics. And he probably smiled at how clever he thought he was! Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong? That's a compliment? Let me see a quick show of hands - how many of you ladies would like to be compared to Donkey Kong? No? I didn't think so. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for a nice "honky tonk badonkadonk," but you'll never hear me use that term. Like LL Cool J, just call it what it is - a big ol' butt. It's so much simpler and doesn't make you sound ridiculous. Goodness, the subjects I can come up with after Christmas. My mom isn't reading, is she? December 26, 2005The Chronic WHAT?I don't watch Saturday Night Live that often because it hasn't been very funny for about, oh, a decade. But I just had to check it out a couple of weeks ago when Jack Black hosted. Well, much to my surprise they had a very funny, original video ("an SNL digital short") that didn't even require Jack Black's participation. I was shocked. I highly recommed you check the video out which consists of Chris Parnell and some new guy rapping about going to see The Chronicles of Narnia: CLICK RIGHT HERE I wish I had come up with the line, "You can call us Aaron Burr for the way we're droppin' Hamiltons." That's just hilarious. And I dare you to not walk around the rest of the day singing, "It's the Chronic WHAT cles of Narnia!" Enjoy. December 24, 2005Review: Rumor Has It
"Director Reiner decides way too often to play it safe and pull out his stack of sentimental chick flick clichs, including a quite predictable cookie-cutter ending. It's obvious that Reiner desperately wants the audience to be shedding tears by this point, but unless you're the most overly sensitive of the sensitive then much like Aniston attempting a crying scene, the tears will never come."Johnny Betts reviews Rumor Has It, starring Jennifer Aniston and Mark Ruffalo.Is a third apology needed for the lack of pictures with humorous captions and interesting Odds & Ends? I don't think so. I'll be back in Memphis on Monday. Y'all have a Merry Christmas. December 23, 2005Review: The Ringer
"As an after school special this works well. But as a comedy? Well, it just wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be. Oh, I laughed, and I smiled, and I drooled over Katherine Heigl, but I never had to catch my breath or tend to a busted gut, nor did I ever miss dialogue because of overwhelming audience laughter."Johnny reviews The Ringer, starring Johnny Knoxville and Katherine Heigl.Again, I apologize for the lack of pictures with humorous captions and interesting Odds & Ends. I promise things will get back to normal when I return home next week. Oh, and rumor has it *snicker* that my review of Rumor Has It will be posted tomorrow. It doesn't open until Sunday so I'll treat everybody to a special Saturday posting to make up for a lack of an update on Thursday. December 21, 2005Review: Fun with Dick and Jane
"Another aspect I like about Fun with Dick and Jane is that I was genuinely interested in the story's resolution. The laughs are never forsaken for story, but by the time Dick and Jane decide to hatch a plan to foil Baldwin, the details are intriguing enough to keep your attention engaged. No, it's not Memento, but it's fairly intelligent for a comedy plotline."Johnny reviews Fun with Dick and Jane, starring Jim Carrey and Ta Leoni. I apologize for the lack of pictures with humorous captions in this review, but I'm in a hurry and my resources are limited. But hey, I do give this movie the Movie Mark Seal of Approval, and that's more important than captioned pictures, right?December 20, 2005The Johnny Betts Guide to Effective Christmas ShoppingSo how do you decide what DVDs to get? Well, the first thing you should do is look to see if I've written a review of the movie. Use that as a guide. Second, you can't go wrong with Star Wars or Batman Begins. If you're still having trouble deciding then allow me to introduce you to the world of gift cards. Personally, if we're just talking about a gift card that I'm going to use to purchase DVDs, then I'd prefer one for Blockbuster rather than Best Buy. At Blockbuster you can purchase previously viewed DVDs at a rate of 3 for $20. Not bad considering that's the price for just one of those DVDs at Best Buy. If you'd like more information on the subject then please feel free to read my incredibly insightful article entitled DVDs: Buy or Rent? New or Used?. It tells you why, in most cases, it makes more economical sense to purchased used rather than new DVDs. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off for a few more hours of Christmas shopping. Coming Tomorrow...December 19, 2005The Week of 1000 MoviesDecember 21 Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (3000+ screens) Fun with Dick and Jane (3000) December 23 The Ringer (1600+ screens) Memoirs of a Geisha (1400) Munich (525) December 25 Rumor Has It (2800 screens) Wolf Creek (1700) The Producers (1000+) That's a whole lot of movies that aren't going to make any money. I especially question the wisdom of opening a horror movie (Wolf Creek) on Christmas Day. Come on. With five comedies being released it'll be hard to find somebody in the mood for a good slasher/horror flick to kick start ye olde Christmas spirit. I've already screened Fun with Dick and Jane (fun, indeed), and I'll be screening Rumor Has It today and The Ringer tomorrow, so keep an eye out for those reviews. Lucky for me, those are the three main ones I wanted to see. I'm pretty sure I can live without seeing Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and The Producers. Ben Affleck Joke of the DayDecember 16, 2005Review: The Family Stone
"Not a horrible movie, but not a particularly engaging one either. Despite some sporadic laughs, The Family Stone is never as funny as it should be, never as touching as it wants to be, and nowhere near as good as I wanted it to be. But what do you expect when you have people in charge who thought it'd be a good idea for Luke Wilson, Rachel McAdams, and Claire Danes to play second fiddle to lesser talents such as Dermot Mulroney and Sarah Jessica Parker?"Johnny reviews The Family Stone, starring the always funny Luke Wilson, the always lovely Rachel McAdams, and the always overrated Sarah Jessica Parker.December 15, 2005Johnny Betts Laughs Off Pregnancy Rumors"What in the world are you talking about?" asked a befuddled Betts. "First, men can't get pregnant. Second, no offense to Vaughn and his rugged good looks, but I'm not gay. And well, neither is he. Third, I've never even met the man. Honestly, I think you folks are hurting for news sometimes." In an interview with America's Desperate for Attention Magazine, Betts admits that he wouldn't even want to get pregnant if it was physically possible for a man to do so in a heterosexual relationship. "Would I want to get pregnant if it were technically possible? What kind of a stupid question is that? Why are you asking these questions? Am I being punk'd?" Ben Affleck Gives the World a Special Christmas GiftThank you. The Johnny Betts Guide to Effective Christmas ShoppingSome of my tips will tell you what to do while others will tell you what not to do. I pride myself on getting good gifts, but I'm most impressed with my own ability to give fiscally responsible gifts. So as my Christmas gift to you I will impart a little of my wisdom. Tip# 1 - Do NOT order your significant other a gift using THEIR Amazon.com or Ebay account. Mr. Shade checked his email the other day and saw a very suspicious subject: "Your Amazon.com order has been shipped." Knowing he hadn't ordered anything from Amazon.com, Mr. Shade thought this may have been a mistake, or worse, an attempt at fraud. Checking the email, Mr. Shade quickly found out that his wife had used his Amazon.com account to order HIM a Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVD set. He also noticed that it was being shipped to his mother-in-law, effectively revealing what gift he can expect from her on Christmas morning. While waiting for Mr. Shade to finish sarcastically thanking her for ruining one of his Christmas surprises, Mrs. Shade responded, "Oh, I meant to check your email and delete that. Oops." An agitated Mr. Shade politely asked that she no longer use his accounts to buy HIS gifts. Keep this in mind when buying gifts for your loved ones. Many of us like a few surprises, so it may be in your best interest to create your own Amazon.com or Ebay account. Nothing puts a damper on Christmas quite like an email from a company letting you know what you're getting. December 14, 2005The Golden Globes are a JokeI'm tired of these stupid awards that keep going to pretentious, self-serving movies that offer no real entertainment value to the average moviegoer. Come on, A History of Violence? I can see it getting most overrated film of the year, but that's about it. I can't believe it's taken me so long to do this, but I'm going to put together the Movie Mark Awards. Before I make an official announcement I need to come up with a cooler name than "the Movie Mark Awards." Any suggestions? I'll put together a list of nominees in several categories based on what I enjoyed during the year, and I'll allow you readers to vote on what you think is most deserving. See ya Golden Globes and Oscars; I hope you enjoyed your fun in the sun. The [to be announced name for the Movie Mark Awards] is about to take over. On DVD This Week: The Island
"The Island is destined to be one of those movies that pleases most
moviegoers, yet irritates the elitist critics. You've heard their complaints before: It's too loud! There are too many
car chases! Bay's so in love with explosions that he might as well propose to them! This is just pretty people involved
in action sequences! There are too many plot holes!
Special Features:
FS&R - Thanks!December 13, 2005The Johnny Betts Lame Movie-Related Joke of the DayThank you. FS&R - Did C.S. Lewis Oppose a Movie Version of Narnia?So please, read Did C.S. Lewis Oppose a Movie Version of Narnia? right here and use the form at the bottom to contribute your feedback. I hope you'll take the time to voice your opinion, on either the topic or my comments, so I'll feel like this was worth the effort. My next column for FS&R will address why heterosexual males should have the ability to have no desire to see Brokeback Mountain without being called hatemongers and other knee-jerk labels. This Week...Anyway, I decided to attend the screening of The Family Stone last night instead of King Kong. To make another long story short - Stephanie didn't exactly feel like sitting through three hours of Kong on a Monday night. Plus, every critic and his mother are praising Kong, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't need my publicity. I'm a fan of both Rachel McAdams and Luke Wilson so I wasn't too opposed to seeing The Family Stone instead. Look for my review later this week. December 9, 2005Review: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
"There aren't a whole lot of movies these days that completely suck me into their world and force me to concentrate on the characters and the story rather than on the actors that I'm watching. Tom Cruise will always be Tom Cruise, and Angelina Jolie will always be Angelina Jolie. But for two hours Tilda Swinton is the evil witch, Georgie Henley is a little girl whose reactions feel real and sincere, and Aslan feels like more than just an impressive piece of CGI."Johnny reviews The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.Are you looking for my C.S. Lewis commentary? Well, here's what I'm going to do - I'm giving you the chance to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe this weekend. That way you can read my commentary on Monday after having seen the movie and give me even better feedback! You're welcome. December 8, 2005Review: Syriana
"I have no trouble declaring to you, without stutter or stammer, that this is flat-out the dullest movie of the year.
It's not intelligent, it's not thought-provoking, it's not engaging, it's not even controversial. It's just ...
there. Plodding along with no real focus. I expected this film to be a one-sided affair, but I didn't
expect it to side with boredom!
Johnny Betts reviews the dreadfully boring Syriana, starring George
Clooney and Matt Damon.Quick sidenote: I'm saving my C.S. Lewis commentary for tomorrow so I can release it alongside the Narnia review. That's another way of saying I haven't finished it yet. December 7, 2005ExcusesHowever, I was thoroughly impressed with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. It's easily in my top four movies of the year. So here's my plan... post the Syriana review and C.S. Lewis commentary tomorrow and post the The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe review on Friday. Stay tuned. December 6, 2005On DVD This Week: Cinderella Man
"You want my review of Cinderella Man? Here you go: Best. Boxing. Movie. Ever. Period. And yes, I'm aware of the existence of Rocky. As entertaining as Stallone's little slugfest is, Cinderella Man is just better on all fronts - better acting, better drama, and more realistic boxing. I've boxed before, and I can say with a straight face that this is the most realistic boxing I've ever seen in a movie. Plus, and this is the best part, it's a true story. And quite an amazing one at that. Why don't we have cool sports stories like this anymore?"Special Features:
On DVD This Week: The Dukes of Hazzard
"Let's be perfectly honest here: this is formulaic filmmaking at its most basic. You take a couple of goofballs, throw in a little barfighting, add doses of a gal who looks really hot in short shorts and a bikini, cover it heavily with car chases, subtract any traces of high brow, and you've got The Dukes of Hazzard. If you're expecting anything more than that then I have to seriously question your ability to judge a movie based on its trailer and/or reference point."Special Features:
On DVD This Week: Fantastic Four
"Are you ready for a top-notch superhero 'origin film' with a dark, charismatic lead, spot-on casting, high
quality directing, an excellent story, and grade A special effects? Well good news...
Special Features:
December 5, 2005Opening This Week
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (3000+ screens) -
Four kids travel through a wardrobe to the land of Narnia and learn of their destiny to free it from the clutches of
an evil witch with the guidance of a lion messiah named Aslan.Verdict Let's be honest; this is the only movie opening this week that really matters. I just finished reading the book The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for the first time (I know, go ahead and gasp) and I have to say that I'm really looking forward to the movie (which I'll be screening on Tuesday, feel free to be jealous). I can't wait to see how Narnia and all its creatures are brought to life. If you've paid close attention the last few days then you may have seen some of the news articles discussing how C.S. Lewis once claimed he didn't want his Narnia books to be made into live-action movies. But would he have felt that way if he could see what could be done with CGI now? I'll address that issue in the inaugural Flex, Slugs, and Rigamarole article which I hope to post on Wednesday. In the meantime, I highly recommend that you read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (if you have yet to do so) before seeing the movie on Friday. It's extremely easy to read and can be finished in under 3 hours even for readers with only an average attention span. If you read and enjoy my reviews then you're obviously smart enough to finish the book by Friday. 
Syriana (1750 screens) - A political thriller that has something to do with the
global oil industry. CIA operatives, oil brokers, mergers, Gulf princes, corporate lawyers, and terrorists are all
thrown into the mix. I predict there will be a moral dilemma or two.Verdict Anti-American propaganda? Sympathetic towards terrorists? I won't know until I see it (which will be tonight) so I'll withhold my opinion until then. I do know that it features raving lefties George Clooney and Matt Damon, so I'll be highly surprised if this is a "fair and balanced" look at whatever statement it's trying to make regarding oil and the Middle East. December 2, 2005Tom Cruise Kills Oprah?Review: Aeon Flux
"The gunfights are of the 'Charlize stands in one spot, turns around, shoots a bunch of guys, but doesn't get hurt' variety, while the hand-to-hand combat is an extra mild 'show extreme close-ups so people can't tell that Charlize doesn't know how to fight' flavor. But the action sequences are only inserted whenever the director decides it's a good idea to break away from long 'Charlize slowly walking around looking at stuff' sequences."Yep, I was disappointed. Read my review of Aeon Flux to find out why.UPDATE: Flex, Slugs, and RigamaroleDecember 1, 2005Movie Mark Original #11
Title: Divide by ZeroTagline: Chuck Norris never says never... Cast: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris' beard, Lorenzo Lamas Synopsis: In the not-too-distant future, man-made machines develop a life of their own and start to destroy the species that created them. A grizzled detective (Chuck Norris) and his beard (Chuck Norris' beard) are assigned to the case. Norris, recognizing that he will need some help, calls in a brilliant mathematician (Lorenzo Lamas wearing glasses) for advice. After running a few calculations and plugging a bunch of meaningless numbers into equally meaningless formulas, Lamas determines that in order to defeat the machines they will have to figure out a way to do something that man has never done. They'll have to figure out a way to ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... DIVIDE BY ZERO! The Climactic Scene: Despite Lamas' claims that they simply can't divide by zero, Norris (amidst the onslaught of machine-orchestrated attacks) sits down at a computer and decides he is the one who has to figure this out. When Lamas asks him what he plans on doing, Norris mentions something about "reversing the Euclidean algorithm, plugging that into the Pythagorean theorem, and then raising it to the power of e." A befuddled Lamas stares blankly into space and then replies, "But you don't understand! We can't divide by zero! It isn't possible!" Norris strokes his beard, throws Lamas a hard glare, and remarks, "Perhaps you haven't been told - "isn't" isn't in my dictionary." Before Lamas can note the contradiction in that sentence, Norris roundhouse kicks him in the head and gets back to work before it's too late to save the world. Review: The Ice Harvest
"Did somebody receive The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing a Screenplay for a Mystery for a gift? How else do you explain the predictably lame plot twists? Talk about cookie cutter. Come on, were we really not supposed to be able to see where everything was going and who was doing the double-crossing? Give me a break. Hey! Let's also have a bad guy point a gun at someone and monologue just long enough to allow somebody else to thwart his deadly plans!"Johnny Betts gives a less-than-favorable review to The Ice Harvest, starring John Cusack, Billy Bob Thornton, and Connie Nielsen.Update: Aeon Flux |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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