BREAKING NEWS - DECEMBER 2006
December 29, 2006
Official Grindhouse Site
If you simply can't get enough of Josh Brolin, Quentin Tarantino, and Robert Rodriguez then you'll
want to visit the official website for their upcoming collaboration -
Grindhouse. Warning - don't view it
with the kids around.
All that's left to say is Doc Block Rocks!
Jake Wade Wall Strikes Again
I'm guessing that most of y'all haven't a clue who Jake Wade Wall is. It's simple - he's the hack
who inflicted us with the screenplay for the remake of When
a Stranger Calls. Just read my review of that
floater to know why his name strikes excessive eye-rolling and sighing from yours truly.
Well, my long-time reader TaMara has brought it to my attention that Mr. Wall has struck again. This time
he is presenting us with a screenplay for a remake of The Hitcher. I have no idea how Sean Bean
was talked into starring. Must've bought a new house.
The Hitcher opens on January 19, and I'll be screening it on the 17th (I believe). So don't
worry - I'll be able to let you know if the movie is as bad as having Wall's name attached to it would
insinuate.
Has Mr. Wall improved since his Stranger disaster?
Or will he forever be cursed with working on remakes? Hey, it's a job. It pays. I understand. But if
this trend continues then I'm gonna go ahead and lay claim on the rights to produce a movie based on
Jake Wade Wall's career. I think I might call it The Hacker.
Ladies and Gentlemen, 2007's First Bad Movie
I've seen the commercials, and you probably have too. If so then I think we're in full agreement that
2007 will see its first horrendously bad movie in the form of Cedric the Entertainer's
Code Name: The Cleaner. Wow. Just, wow.
I wish there were a way to describe how hard I did NOT laugh when watching the trailer. Seriously, it
looks so bad that I think I've lost some laughter within me that I will now not be able to use on
future funniness. Thanks a lot, Cedric the (non)Entertainer.
The "movie" opens on January 5, and I just don't know if I can force myself to go to the screening.
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December 28, 2006
The Bargain Bin
Allow me to introduce you to a new review sub-section here at TMM - The Bargain Bin. I've been meaning
to add this for a while, but finding motivation to review bargain bin movies is not an easy quest.
Sometimes I can search the depths of my soul and still not discover the inspiration to write full
reviews for some of the mediocre slop I watch on DVD. So you know what? I'm not gonna write complete
reviews.
That's right. I'm so humble that I have not allowed myself to recognize that I'm such a talented writer
that I can say what needs to be said in merely a few sentences.
Here's how this will work - I'll let you know what the bargain price was, I'll give you a brief statement
on the film, and then I'll let you know whether or not it was worth it. Pretty simple, right?
Will it always be in that order? I wouldn't bet the farm on it, but how many of you own a farm? Let's
begin...
Gamestop has a 3 for $10 bin (they're used DVDs) that I can't help but peruse when I'm in the store.
It's a movie buff's caffeine. There has to be a gem in there, right? And at approximately $3.33 per
movie how can you go wrong? Especially when you can trade the DVDs in at Blockbuster for store
credit.
Recently I picked up the following three DVDs: House of Sand and Fog,
Brick, and In the Cut. What was really
sweet is Gamestop was having a "Buy 2 Get 1 Free" deal on their used DVDs. I was a math minor in college,
so let me dazzle you with some numb3rs (that's how the TV show spells it, pretty lame, huh?):
$10 * 1.0925 (tax) = $10.93/3 = $3.64 per movie. One was free so that makes it $3.64 * 2 for a total
price of $7.28 -- approximately $2.43 per DVD. You can't rent 'em that cheap! Trade them in for $3 store
credit at Blockbuster and you come out ($9 - $7.28) $1.72 ahead! I just got goosebumps thinking about
it. But were the movies worth it?
  
House of Sand and Fog - Jennifer Connelly is as hot as ever starring as
a woman evicted from the home her dad built. Ben Kingsley takes a break from a recent string of bad
career decisions and stars as an Indian (he did play Ghandi, after all) who buys the house in an effort
to make a healthy profit from it.
The two clash, and all sorts of tragic conflicts ensue. This is based on a true story (strangely enough)
and the strong performances will keep you engaged the entire runtime. Definitely worth the bargain price
even though it's a tad depressing.
Brick - Joseph Gordon-Levitt sheds his 3rd Rock from the Sun skin
and plays a teenager who, in an effort to find out what happened to his ex-girlfriend (Claire from Lost),
gets himself wrapped up in an underground high school crime ring led by the ever-ugly Lukas Haas.
I'll give the movie this - it's got its own style, and it tries really hard. The problem is that
sometimes it tries a little too hard. Director/writer Rian Johnson goes just a little
over-the-top in his efforts to place noir dialogue within the context of a high school setting.
The kids talk way too fast and use too much made-up-on-the-spot terminology to understand what
they're saying. It comes off as a little pretentious.
But hey, I still enjoyed the movie, and it should keep your interest. Blockbuster is still charging
$9.99 for a used copy, so if you see it in the Gamestop bargain bin then I recommend picking it up.
Then, of course, after you pick it up you'll need to take it over to the counter and pay for it.
In the Cut - Um. What I thought was supposed to be a serial killer
thriller starring Meg Ryan and Mark Ruffalo turned out to be a movie that actually had me asking,
"Is this supposed to be a porno flick?" Sheesh. I have no idea how some of the scenes made it to the
theater. Way too graphic for me. I'm embarrassed to admit I watched it. Sorry, but any movie that
shows Mark Ruffalo's you-know-what (and if you're too innocent to know what then let's keep it that
way) gets a big "stay away" recommendation from me.
The film itself isn't even all that interesting. It's just ... weird. Director Jane Campion tries
to make this some artsy venture, and the whole thing comes off as a complete mess. Even the
revelation of the killer inspired nothing more than an "Oh, yippee" reaction.
Here's the worst part - Blockbuster won't accept it as a trade-in! I guess it's too racy for them.
I'll have to see if Gamestop will let me trade it in. I simply can't allow it to remain a
part of my collection. You live; you learn. So learn from me - avoid, even at the bargain
price.
New for 2007
What would you like to see added to TMM in 2007? Don't worry; merchandise IS coming. Just be a little
more patient. But would you like to see polls? More "Top (fill in number)" lists? More retro
reviews? You have any ideas?
Somebody suggested giving readers the ability to predict the weekend's box office numbers, and I know
others want to vote for their favorite movies in various categories. I plan on starting up TMM's
year-end awards (name still pending, but leaning towards The Golden Brolins) to allow you to do that,
so stay tuned.
But please, feel free to send me an email with your
ideas and suggestions.
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December 27, 2006
The After-Christmas Joy
Returning unwanted or defective Christmas gifts - you gotta love it. I received a very nice watch for
Christmas. This is good because the watch I've been wearing for the past few years is on its last
legs. It basically just stops working at random times. I can thump it and reset the time and it'll
work for a few more hours (even going as much as two or three days without breaking down), but everybody
around me had been telling me to just get a new stinkin' watch.
Forgive me for makin' do with a watch that has sentimental value! I wasn't complaining about the
watch's erratic behavior, so why does it bother so many people? Ol' non-materialistic Johnny just
can't win sometimes. Oh well, back to the new watch...
It's a really slick-looking Armitron - unfortunately there was a small little black mark on the inside
of the glass face. It looked like a little condensation may have gotten inside and wouldn't
evaporate.
Now if I had the watch for over a year and this happened then I wouldn't worry about it. But the day
after Christmas? Nah, that won't cut it. So I took the watch up to Wal-Mart to ask the woman behind
the watch counter (we'll call her 'Watch Chick') about it.
After I explain the situation and point out the little black spot, she stares at it for a few seconds
and replies, "All I see is a fingerprint." Now granted, it was a little hard to see because the watch
face is black. But if you look for two seconds then it's pretty noticeable.
So Watch Chick sprays something on the glass and wipes it off and stares some more.
"See it yet?" I ask.
"Yeah," she responds.
As she stands there staring at the watch, we're engulfed in an awkward silence I haven't felt since my
gangly-legged days of high school when I'd make an attempt to talk to a cute girl. I was trying to think
of something else to say, but she finally spoke up and kind of incredulously said, "So ... I ... guess ...
you don't like that being there?"
Um, who is happy about defects in their merchandise? I told her that she was correct, and in
an effort to make light of the situation I replied, "I guess some people might think it's nitpicky, but..."
She cut me off and snapped, "Well, I do, but I guess some people only want the best."
Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me! Is it so much to expect that a brand new watch not have any marks
or spots on it?? To be honest, I don't really think it's all that nitpicky. I was just saying that
because I didn't know how else to break the tension.
Some people only want the best? Perhaps some people only want what they deserve - a Christmas gift
without defects.
She told me to bring the receipt up there and she'd exchange it. That's what I did, and I now have a
defect-free watch, so why am I made to feel guilty about the process?
Did I deserve a little external condescension for a little internal condensation? I don't think so.
Thanks for proving that the customer is indeed right, Wal-Mart, but how about next time you spare me
the 'tude?
This Week's Updates...
Here's the deal - I'm taking vacation from work this week, therefore, my mind is lazier than usual.
I've got video games to play, DVDs to watch, leftovers to eat, and Christmas candy to splurge on.
So please forgive me for anything you find lacking on the site this week.
There will be no reviews this week because nothing is being screened. We've hit a quiet spot. An
end-of-the-year lull. Don't worry; we'll recover soon and things will be back to crazy in no time.
Now please sign up for the DVD contest if you still want a chance to
win.
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December 22, 2006
REVIEW: Night at the Museum
"What we've got here is a movie whose humor pins its hopes and dreams on peeing monkeys and guys who think Teddy
Roosevelt was the country's 4th President. If you're easily amused and that's your style, then take the kids
and have a blast."
Johnny reviews Night at the Museum, starring
Ben Stiller, Carla Gugino, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Owen Wilson, and Robin Williams.
REVIEW: We Are Marshall
"Soaring music, inspirational speeches, overcoming the odds - it's all here, and yes, we've seen it before.
But why does familiarity always have to be treated with contempt? This is a great, true story - one that
certainly deserved to be told."
Johnny reviews We Are Marshall, starring
Matthew McConaughey and Matthew Fox.
CONTEST: Invincible and Step Up DVDs
Don't forget to sign up for your chance to win Invincible and Step Up DVDs. Sign up
RIGHT HERE if you have yet to do so.
Late Night TV
Have you ever wondered how bad TV is at 2:00 AM? I have the channel on TBS and the movie I'm being treated
to stars Dean Cain, Eric Roberts, and Erika Eleniak. Yikes!
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December 21, 2006
REVIEW: Rocky Balboa
"Admit it - you scoffed. You heard that Stallone was making 'Rocky 6' and you threw your head back and
laughed with mockery. Or cried, depending on your emotional investment in the series. Approximately 0
people outside of the Stallone family thought this had any chance of being decent, and rumor has it that
the Stallones couldn't even come to a consensus."
So does Rocky Balboa rise above its expectations and
prove wrong its detractors? Read Johnny's review and find
out.
CONTEST: Invincible and Step Up DVDs
Y'all like free stuff, right? Well, how about a chance to win some free DVDs to put everybody in the
Christmas spirit? The studio is allowing me to offer 15 DVDs each of Invincible and Step Up.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form for your chance to win. Have fun and be
creative with a couple of the new questions...
On DVD this Week
I can't remember the last time I saw so many "big" DVD releases in the same week. You can get the
beef in my DVD Preview.
Still to Come Today - Rocky Review
You thought we were done for the day? No, no, my friend. Today is a very special TWO UPDATE day! Yes,
very exciting. Check back later this afternoon for my review of Rocky Balboa. I forgot it was
released yesterday else I would've posted it sooner.
Tune in tomorrow for my reviews of Night at the Museum and We Are Marshall.
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December 20, 2006
Disney Returning To 2-D, Decides They Don't Want to Make Money
Leave the CGI to Pixar. That's apparently the latest decision from the folks at Disney. Despite a
three-year effort to retrain the studio's staff in the ways of CGI espionage (huh?) and to change Disney
Feature Animation into a state-of-the-art CG operation, some folks whose names you wouldn't recognize even
if I mentioned them have come to the conclusion that Walt Disney's Burbank studio needs to return to its
roots as a hand-drawn animation company.
The last big hand-drawn hit for the studio came four years ago in the form of Lilo and Stitch.
Other efforts such as Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas have bombed badly. The idea has reportedly
not been warmly embraced by Disney CEO Robert Iger. Chances are the hand-drawn movies won't be warmly
embraced by audiences either.
Midget Cruise Planning Scientology Movie Starring Posh Spice, Audiences Planning on Not
Seeing It
Tom Cruise is reportedly planning to make a movie based on the ideas of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
The movie, starring Posh Spice of the Spice Girls, is rumored to be titled The Thetan. The rumors
further state that Cruise will finance the movie on his own because it has been rejected by the major
studios.
Wow, the major studios made a wise decision for once? Go figure. Hey Tom, remember what happened the last
time somebody tried to make a movie espousing Hubbard's ideas? It was a little disaster known as
Battlefield Earth. That's a thing I like to refer to as 'nuff said.
Happy Birthday Jesus, Hope Ya Like Crap!
Well, I'm sure y'all are all aware of the controversy surrounding the release of Black Christmas on
Christmas day. If you're not aware, Black Christmas is a remake of a 1974 movie of the same name that
involves somebody killing off a group of sorority sisters.
Some people think it's a little tacky to be releasing a movie of this nature on Christmas. I tend to
agree. Obviously, they can release the movie whenever they want, but do the studios really think audiences
want to spend Christmas day watching bad actresses get sliced and diced?
What's really offensive to me is that the studios have yet again decided to finance another remake of a
1970s horror movie that no one ever saw in the first place. When will the madness stop?
Coming Tomorrow...
There are about 72 DVDs being released this week (a slight exaggeration, perhaps), so I'll give you the
rundown on that as well as an opportunity for a lucky few to win a copy of a couple of this week's
releases. Stay tuned.
I might also try to have my We Are Marshall review ready. We shall see.
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December 19, 2006
Opening this Week
Rocky Balboa - Saw it last night, and you know what? It ain't half bad. Does it
compare to the original? No. On a more recent level, does it compare to
Million Dollar Baby or
Cinderella Man? Nope. But come on, if you don't get
goosebumps when the Rocky theme starts playing, accompanying his training then you simply
have no soul. No soul, man.
We Are Marshall - Sure, it runs through the usual cliches and emotional manipulations,
but what real-life inspired sports movie doesn't? Name one. Perhaps I'll be ambitious and post my review prior
to Friday.
Night at the Museum - A Ben Stiller movie where a bunch of wax figures come to life at
a museum. At night. Looks kid-oriented, but it might be entertaining. I'll know tonight. I'm just happy that
Carla Gugino is in it. She's as hot as an Irish temper on St. Patrick's Day during the Prohibition. Did I work
a little too hard for that metaphor? Nah, it rules.
The Good Shepherd - Something to do with the origin of the CIA. It stars Robert
De Niro and Matt Damon. I was really excited about this until I heard somebody refer to it as
"a three-hour Syriana." YIKES! No thank you. I'd rather
comb Rosie O'Donnell's back hair. Oh wait; no I wouldn't.
There's a screening of it tonight but I'm just gonna do Night at the Museum instead. That's right.
Got a problem with that? Didn't think so.
So I've got three reviews to write the week before Christmas? This should be interesting.
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December 15, 2006
REVIEW: The Pursuit of Happyness
"There are moments of humor and hope, but a large portion of the film focuses on Smith's life spiraling
towards rock bottom and what he has to do to survive once he gets there. I felt for the guy, and I was
rooting for him, but man, I sure didn't enjoy feeling his pain the entire runtime."
Johnny reviews The Pursuit of Happyness,
starring Will Smith, Thandie Newton, and Will Smith's nepotism-lovin' son.
You may now disregard the statement below.
The Pursuit of Happyness Review Coming Soon
I have seen The Pursuit of Happyness, but due to certain circumstances I have not been able to finish
the review, and I simply cannot finish it right this moment. But don't fret, dear readers - I shall return
to my laptop soon and finish it later this afternoon or this evening.
Works of art should not be rushed, and that's why I will always refuse to slap a review together quickly
just for the sake of having it posted by a certain time. Granted, the extra hours of work I pour into the
reviews probably don't make them any better than if I spent 10 minutes on 'em, but it's the principle of
the thing.
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December 14, 2006
A Real-Life DiGiorno Testimonial
Y'all have seen those DiGiorno commercials, right? Somebody buys a DiGiorno pizza, serves it at a party, and then
all his friends come up to him and say things like, "Hey, you ordered pizza!" Dude tries to explain that "No,
it's DiGiorno," but his friends will have none of it. They simply cannot believe this is anything other than
top-of-the line pizza. I've always made fun of those commercials. Come on, who wouldn't be able to tell the
difference?
Welp, it looks like I owe those commercials an apology. I had DiGiorno for dinner not too long ago,
and I took a couple of pieces to work for lunch the next day. Mr. Shade also brought pizza for lunch, but his was
Papa John's thin crust. Mr. Shade, not thin crust's biggest fan, was jealous when he saw the substantial
crust advantage that my pizza possessed.
"Wow, you brought the good stuff. What's that, Pizza Hut?" he inquired. Without even thinking I replied, "No,
it's DiGiorno." I immediately realized that our conversation was a DiGiorno commercial.
I know I like to talk about how Hollywood and reality usually don't mesh, but this is one rare instance where you
CAN believe what you see on TV. I don't think it's stretching it to say that this was a life-altering
moment.
On DVD this Week
Can you believe I haven't seen any of this week's new releases? Well, I've seen
Narnia, but I have no idea if this new 48-disc set is
worth the money.
The three main new releases are Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,
World Trade Center, and The Devil Wears Prada. I want to
see two of those (you can guess which two) eventually, but I'm not rushing to Blockbuster. Ms. Cali has a
review of The Devil Wears Prada if you're interested.
Sorry I can't be of more assistance this week.
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December 13, 2006
Movie Mark Original #21
Title: The Lost Holiday
Tagline: No one wants to be alone for Christmas. Even when
stranded on an unidentified island.
Cast: Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Juliet
Plot Summary: Kate is torn between the two best-looking guys stranded on her side of
the island. Across the island (or on another one) Juliet is torn up over the fact that there are ZERO
good-looking guys around her. Two women who have never met find themselves in the exact same place - desperately
looking for love in all the wrong places. But there aren't many places to look when you're surrounded by
nothing but trees and strange bunkers.
They meet via a violent kidnapping and impulsively decide to switch homes. Kate moves into Juliet's
normal-looking house as Juliet takes up residence in Kate's tent.
Kate soon realizes that she doesn't really have it so bad having to choose between a short-haired dependable
guy and a long-haired bad boy. Juliet's choice is even easier - the dependable Jack with his 5 O'clock shadow
or the creepy Henry Gale with his bug eyes.
This holiday season find the answer to the age old question - if Christmas happens on a lost island, does it
really happen?
Get Lost this Christmas ... in the Holiday. The Lost Holiday.
Click here for more hilarious Movie Mark Originals.
I'll get that DVD preview to you tomorrow. I'm taking a few vacation days and I had some sleep to catch up on.
If this causes an inconvenience for you then just be patient and wait until tomorrow to go to the video
store. Who rents movies on a Wednesday anyway? Thanks to Stephanie for making the poster.
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December 12, 2006
REVIEW: Blood Diamond
"Despite a little too much talking and a few too many instances of character stupidity,
Blood Diamond provides enough explosions and
tension to keep your interest. However, you might want to keep in mind that the action isn't
always of the mindless, Vin Diesel variety. There's a lot of blood and quite a few disturbing
images."
Johnny reviews Blood Diamond, starring Jennifer
Connelly's blue eyes, Djimon Hounsou's hard-to-pronounce name, and Leonardo DiCaprio's round,
Julia Styles-esque face.
Coming Tomorrow
In addition to this week's DVD preview, I'll have a very special and seasonal Movie Mark Original.
You won't want to miss it.
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December 11, 2006
REVIEW: The Holiday
"What starts off looking like a story with a poignant message regarding love and its many facets, quickly takes
the exit ramp towards Romantic Comedy City. You've been there before. It's cute, it's sweet, it's funny, it's
predictable, and it's completely detached from reality. Wait, did I just describe the movie or one of its
co-stars, Cameron Diaz?"
Johnny reviews The Holiday, starring Kate Winslet, Cameron
Diaz, Jack Black, and Jude Law.
I know I entertained the notion of posting reviews of both The Holiday
and Blood Diamond today, but holy cow, I didn't realize I'd be working on
The Holiday review until 2:00 AM. I really need to figure out
how to write these things quicker.
Since staying up another two or three hours to finish the Blood Diamond review is not going to cure
cancer or save anybody's life, I think I'll just save it until tomorrow. If this offends anybody then next
time you are more than welcome to offer me cash, and I'll be more than happy to finish the review by whatever
date you request.
Otherwise, quit your whining and enjoy this free entertainment.
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December 8, 2006
Two New Reviews Coming Soon...
Due to an extremely tight and busy schedule (and attempting to write two reviews at 11:00 PM
last night), I haven't been able to finish my reviews for Blood Diamond or The Holiday,
and I most likely won't have time to finish them today.
I'll do my best to have them posted by tomorrow. Failing that, they'll be posted no later than
Monday. But in case you're going to the movies tonight and you're dying for a little Johnny feedback
then here you go...
The Holiday - Ladies, bring the Kleenex. Fellas, concede defeat this
weekend and bring your lady. As far as chick flicks go, this one is entertaining. Yes, it's long
(over two hours), and yes, it dances outside the realms of reality, but I enjoyed it. And to the
people sitting around me - those sniffles were the result of the cold weather! Honestly!
Blood Diamond - An action movie with a message. This is another 2+ hour
movie that could have benefited from a little trimming, but it's still good. Solid acting, relentless
action, a little too much talking, but a worthwhile venture. You'll likely ask a new question or
two before purchasing another diamond.
But guys, don't use this as an excuse to not buy your gal diamond jewelry. "Sorry, sweetie, but I
don't want to risk buying a conflict diamond," is not gonna cut it.
I give both films 3.5 marks.
The complete, highly entertaining, wildly hilarious, and insanely accurate reviews coming
soon...
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December 7, 2006
This Week's DVD Preview
There are some DVDs that were released this week. I preview them. Well, some of them, at least.
Check out the DVD preview page for more info.
Movie Mark Original #20
I have to give Mr. Shade credit for the title, but everything else is all mine! We have too few
interesting movies focused on battles between Heavenly and demonic forces, and well, this certainly
doesn't provide a solution, but I like to think it'd give the big guy upstairs a chuckle.
Title: Tres-Pastor
Tagline: He'll Invade Your Home; He'll Invade Your Soul.
Cast: Gary Busey, Chuck Norris
Plot Summary: Sinise Tergle (Gary Busey) arrives in a small Southern town,
presenting himself as a pastor with the intention of winning souls to his flock. Believing his
assertion that he is not of this world, the town soon learns just how accurate that statement is -
he's a demon sent to earth to gather recruits for an upcoming battle between good an evil - a
showdown of Biblical proportions!
Tuff Dakota (Chuck Norris) is a bearded rogue cop who has recently reclaimed his faith in God, a
faith that he lost long ago when his wife and child were taken from him in a tragic accident. One day
he hears the voice of God (voice cameo by James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman) telling him he is the
one chosen to stop the Tres-Pastor and his plans.
With little to rely on other than his faith and a devastating roundhouse, Dakota quickly learns that
God may tell us to forgive our trespassers, but He's silent on the issue of Tres-PASTORS. Beard
ensues.
Signature Quote: The only way to destroy the demons is by burning them, a
little trial by fire, if you will. God bestows Dakota with a flame torch that comes to be known as
"The Holy Fire of God." Whenever Dakota is ready to dispatch a demon with the torch he always
prefaces it with, "Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Flame."
The Climactic Showdown: As Dakota and Tergle face off, Dakota tells him, "I'm
gonna hit you with so many right hands of God that you'll be begging for a left." After making good on
his promise, Dakota prepares to finish his opponent. Tergle throws his hands up for mercy and pleads,
"Wait! What happened to turning the other cheek?"
Dakota pauses, turns to the camera, removes the toothpick from his mouth, and coolly whispers, "Well go
ahead and turn it so I can kick it as well."
Click here for more hilarious Movie Mark Originals.
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December 6, 2006
Johnny's Tips for High Quality Holiday Shopping
It's that time of the year again. 'Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah, we wish. 'Tis the season
to struggle through irate crowds in search of gifts that will likely go unappreciated. There's nothing
worse than putting time and effort into buying what you think is a nice gift, only to have little Billy
cry his eyes out because you got him a Go Bot rather than a Transformer (oh wait, I just had a
flashback).
Well, ol' Johnny brings you tidings of joy! Here are five tips to help you in your Christmas shopping.
These won't necessarily help you find the perfect gift, as that is receiver-specific, however, they
will help you avoid purchasing extremely disappointing presents.
5. VHS is yesterday's technology. I can't believe I have to point this out,
but please get your loved ones DVDs. I know some of you old-schoolers drool at Blockbusters' "10 VHS movies
for $10" deal, but I assure you your 25-year-old nephew will not get much use out of a VHS copy of
Grease. I know YOU may still use a VCR, but that just means you have yet to catch up with 90% of
humanity. Would you still buy somebody a cassette?
4. They're $1 for a reason. Yes, Wal-Mart's $1 DVD bin looks very
inviting, and I understand and appreciate your desire to save money. But what you have to
understand is that the majority of these DVDs will only be acceptable to old people and little kids
who don't know any better.
Rationalizing your purchase of Sci-Fighter with thoughts such as, "This looks like a combination
of Science Fiction and Action, and I know Johnny likes Science Fiction and Action!" is poor reasoning
at best, thoughtless gift purchasing at worst.
Warning Sign #1 - the movie is called SCI-FIGHTER! Come on. Warning Sign #2 - It stars
Lorenzo Lamas. Use financial sense, but not at the expense of common sense.
3. No substitutes please. When little Billy asks for The Young Riders DVD
set because "Josh Brolin is absolutely awesome as Wild Bill Hickok," what he means is, "Josh Brolin rules
and I want The Young Riders on DVD."
What he does NOT mean is, "It's OK if you don't want to spend the extra money to buy what I really want. I'll
be happy with a $5 copy of 1940's Young Bill Hickok, starring Roy Rogers." He won't be happy,
and neither will you in about 10 years when he does YOUR Christmas shopping at the Dollar Tree with
a $5 bill.
Did Aunt Sandy really think I'd forgotten "The Christmas Fiasco of 1985"? Don't think so. Merry
Christmas, Aunt Sandy! I know you asked for Elvis Christmas CDs, but how could I pass up the Dollar
Tree's An Alice Cooper Christmas? Keep this in mind for the future, wainch.
2. An actor's movies aren't all the same. This is an important one. Folks,
just because somebody liked a movie with a particular actor in it doesn't mean he or she will like every
single movie this actor is in. To this day I have no idea how answering "Yes" to "Didn't you like The
Sixth Sense and the Die Hard series?" translated into, "Yes, so please get me a copy of Bruce
Willis' The Kid!"
You'll also want to be wary of buying movies from earlier in an actor's career. The fact that Billy
Madison and Happy Gilmore are hilarious does not mean Going Overboard is. Trust me; it
isn't.
1. Take box cover movie quotes with a grain of salt. I urge you to raise a
cautious eye when you read a quote from Stu Dio Plant from ilovesonymovies.com touting Sony's
Freedomland as a powerful story of human tragedy.
Such a quote should be discounted unless it's made clear that the human tragedy in question is that
of anybody who dares sit through this tripe.
Also, any quotes using the term "tour de force" should be automatically ignored, as well as anything
positive said about Date Movie.
I know my quotes can currently only be found on the back of
Chinese bootlegs, so please write your congressmen and demand equality in whose quotes get used on
DVD cover art. Be creative and make an argument about "fair use" or something.
You'll be ignored, but wouldn't it be hilarious if somebody actually sent a
letter to Congress pleading for Johnny Betts' quotes to be used on DVDs? Who wants to volunteer?
I'll sing your praises and post a copy of the letter on TMM if you so dare.
As always, I also encourage you to buy used DVDs. Allow me to refer you to one of my classic
articles, DVDs: Buy or Rent? New or Used?, to find out
why.
I'll have this week's DVD preview for you by tomorrow.
Oh, and please say NO to political correctness this year and wish everybody a merry CHRISTMAS. If
somebody gets offended because you didn't say "Happy Holidays" instead then guess what? They'll get
over it. If I hear one more person say they have to go shop for a "holiday tree" then I'm gonna
start punching brains. Don't worry; I'll wish 'em a merry Christmas afterwards.
Do you remember when...
...Candice Bergen and Kathleen Turner were females?
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December 5, 2006
FREE MOVIE SCREENING: Rocky Balboa
All right, I know all seven of my readers tried to check out the page yesterday and found that TMM was
experiencing technical difficulties. It wasn't my fault. You can thank the server for that. Glad to see
my money's being well-spent.
Anyway, it was nothing a few threats to customer service (all involving the biker boots) couldn't
take care of. As a way of rewarding you for your patience I would like to invite you to a free,
advanced screening of Old Man Stallone's new movie Rocky Balboa.
If you're in the Memphis area and would like to attend the screening then please
CLICK RIGHT HERE to sign up. The screening is on Monday, December 18th
at Wolfchase Galleria.
First 100 people to sign up win.
Opening this Week
 
Blood Diamond - A farmer, a smuggler, and a syndicate of businessmen (oh my) match wits
over the possession of a priceless diamond. Well, let's hope the story plays out a little less routinely than
the plot synopsis leads us to suspect.
Can Round-Faced DiCaprio pull off two solid performances in a row? It's gonna be tough, especially since his
South African accent is a little sketchy. At the very least I know Jennifer Connelly will make this watchable.
I'm screening it tonight; you can read my review by Friday.
The Holiday - Two women (Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet) troubled with guy problems swap
homes in each other's countries, where they each meet a local guy (Jude Law, Jack Black) and fall in
love.
Where in America does a British babe like Kate Winslet meet a guy like Jack Black and fall in love with him?
Huh? Please, somebody show me that this is even remotely possible. Wasn't there a reality show eerily
similar to this? Granted, the women looked more like Camryn Manheim than Cameron Diaz, but that's a
reality I'd prefer not to have dealings with.
Here's hoping it isn't TOO chick flicky. I'm screening it on Thursday.
Apocalypto - This is Mel Gibson's movie about the Mayan civilization. And stuff.
There's no screening of it in Memphis, despite rumors to the contrary. That means there will be no watching of
it by Johnny until it's on DVD.
This just has to inspire a Movie Mark Original entitled *wait for it* Apocaklepto. I'll flesh it out
and get back to you later.
Unaccompanied Minors - A group of unaccompanied minors bond while snowed in at
Chicago's fictional Hoover International Airport during the holiday season and ultimately create a makeshift
holiday themselves.
Home Alone in an airport, anybody? I have a feeling there'll be plenty of unaccompanied minors in the
theater because I can't fathom too many adults will want to watch this, Paul Feig's (Freaks and
Geeks) stint as director notwithstanding.
It was screened last night. I did not attend.
Coming Tomorrow
I'll preview this week's big DVD releases, and I'll have another thing or two for you to digest. I don't know
what it'll be yet, but I assure you it'll be hilarious.
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December 1, 2006
REVIEW: Turistas
"Turistas' tagline reads 'Go Home.' Is this actually a
warning from the filmmakers? God speaking through a movie poster? Seriously, when you're delivering a
movie that's so painfully average that it makes Janeane Garofalo feel special, and you slap a warning like
'Go Home' on the poster, well, you might just get what you've bargained for."
Johnny Betts reviews Turistas, starring Josh Duhamel and
Melissa George.
REVIEW: The Nativity Story
"I doubt The Nativity Story will either make or break anyone's
faith. I would wager that the people with the most interest in the film know the events leading up to the
birth of Jesus and are anxious to see them brought to life on the big screen. They will not be disappointed.
However, they will also get a glimpse into what Mary and Joseph may have experienced when they were given
their holy charge - to be the earthly parents of a Heavenly King."
Ladies and gentlemen (a word I use lightly knowing the guys that read this site), allow me to welcome
a new reviewer to the Movie Mark fold. I would like to thank Ms. Nikki Bluejeans for accepting the task
of reviewing The Nativity Story in my stead. Please
give her a warm Movie Mark welcome. I know I'm a supremely hard act to follow, but I think she held her
own quite well.
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