BREAKING NEWS - FEBRUARY 2006
February 28, 2006
On DVD This Week
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"Its story of love and redemption provides enough appeal for those not so familiar with the man in
black."
If you don't know by now that this is a movie about Johnny Cash then you probably have no business getting in
a car and driving to the video store to rent it.
Special Features: Commentary by co-writer and director James Mangold, 10 Deleted
Scenes with Optional Commentary by James Mangold
A little weak on the special features, aren't we? After all the hype and Oscar buzz you'd think this would be
LOADED. Ah well, that just means they're working on the Special Edition which will be released in about three
months.
It made my Best of 2005 list. Shouldn't that be enough to convince
you that it warrants at least a rental?
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"Easily one of the 10 worst movies of the year, Yours,
Mine, and Ours should be more aptly titled Suck, Suck, and Suck."
It's another stupid remake about a couple of parents blending their families into one huge family with lots
of unfunny hijinks ensuing.
Special Features: Commentary by director Raja Gosnell, Deleted Scenes with optional
commentary, Featurette "Yours, Mine & Ours - Inside the Lighthouse," Featurette "18 Kids - One Script: The
Writing of Yours, Mine & Ours," Casting the North Family, Casting the Beardsley Family, Your Big Break! -
Advice for Aspiring Young Actors, Setting Sail with the Coast Guard, Behind the Scenes Video Diary
I heard there was a special feature called "Your Big Break! - Advice for Aspiring Young Screenwriters" where
the screenwriter said, "Hey, if somebody bought this crap then you know YOU have a chance!" Rumor has it that
it was removed from the DVD.
It made my Worst of 2005 list. Shouldn't that be enough to convince
you that it DOES NOT warrant at least a rental?
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"If you're in the mood for a major disappointment then The Ice Harvest is the movie for you."
Special Features: Commentary by Director Harold Ramis, Alternate Endings, Outtakes
with Billy Bob Thornton, Featurette: Cracking the Story, Featurette: Beneath the Harvest, Featurette: Ice
Cracking: Analysis of a Scene, Audio Commentary with Director Harold Ramis
For me this was one of 2005's biggest disappointments, but I wouldn't say to completely avoid renting it. You may
dig it more than I did.
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Pride & Prejudice
Yet another adaptation of Jane Austen's novel. I haven't seen any adaptations yet, and I'm not making any
immediate plans to rent this one. A couple of loyal Movie Marks have seen it, and since they're chicks they're
probably more qualified to comment on it anyway.
Ms. Cali said, "I liked it a lot more than I expected to."
And Australian Ann unenthusiastically stated, "I saw this film last week and loathed it. The setting, the
actors, the frenetic-yet-snail pace (you'll know what I mean if you see it) town balls and the pig's balls. I
tried; I really did try to like it." And she says she normally likes this sort of movie.
Special Features: Commentary by director Joe Wright, A Bennet Family Portrait - An
intimate look at each of five vibrant Bennet sisters and their parents, Jane Austen, Ahead of Her Time, Behind
the Scenes at the Ball, HBO First Look: Pride & Prejudice, A Classic in the Making - Complete with talent and
filmmaker interviews
The only thing that would convince me to watch this is the presence of Keira Knightley.
"Ah, because you're interested in checking out her Oscar-nominated performance?"
Nope. Because she be hot. Have you seen that gal smile?
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Wisdom from Adam West's Batman
"They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings."
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February 27, 2006
CONTESTS: Update...
Good news! In addition to the Firewall posters, I can also give
away a couple of Firewall pins! Pretty exciting, huh? No need
to thank me for brightening your Monday; I'm just doing my non-paying job. Doing it poorly? Sure, you can
argue that point. But I am doing it, and in my book that's all that matters.
Click here to enter.
TRAILER: Talladega Nights
I've said this many times, but Will Ferrell is very hit and miss with me. Sometimes he makes me want to pull
a Stewie (watch Family Guy if you don't get this reference) and travel all the way to Hollywood just
to punch him in the face. If you've witnessed his over-the-top crying scene in Anchorman then you
understand the reason behind these pent-up feelings.
But when he's practicing the fine art of being subdued he can actually be a fairly funny guy. Nice alliteration,
huh? For those of you in Frayser, TN this link
might help explain what I'm talking about...
Anyway, I have to say that the trailer for his upcoming Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby has
effectively sold me on the movie. My favorite spot is when he's saying grace and gives thanks for his sons.
Listen for their names.
Any movie that pokes fun at NASCAR is worth a look, I say. Check out the trailer
here.
Wisdom from Adam West's Batman
Today's updates aren't groundbreaking, I'll admit, but that has a lot to do with my laziness. So let me just
end with a little more wisdom from Adam West as Batman:
Why is a woman in love like a welder? Because they both carry a torch!
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February 24, 2006
It's Official: Johnny Betts is the New King of Memphis
Longtime Movie Mark reader and Johnny Betts fan, TaMara, made this statement yesterday:
"I'm going to Memphis on a club trip in March. The first thing I thought of when we decided on Memphis was
not Elvis, but 'Oh my gosh! That's where Johnny lives and where the reviews are written.'"
That's right; I am now officially bigger than Elvis. This is a monumental day in Movie Mark history, and
TaMara's quote will likely be displayed in a prominent place here on the Movie Mark.
CONTESTS: 16 Blocks and Firewall
The lovely folks at Warner Bros. (in particular, the lovely Jenna) have been kind enough to provide me with
two one-sheet movie posters for Bruce Willis' upcoming 16 Blocks.
Opening on March 3, 16 Blocks
tells the story of an aging cop (Willis) who is assigned the "ordinary task" (yeah right) of escorting a
witness (Mos Def) from police custody to a courthouse. We all know that there are some very mean people who
want to make sure that cop and witness don't make it to their destination.
Check out the official 16 Blocks
website to watch the trailer and get more info.
I also can offer two posters for Harrison Ford's Firewall,
so go ahead and CLICK RIGHT HERE for your chance to win some free stuff because
everybody knows that free stuff rules.
Movie Mark Original #13
Title: Twombstone AKA 2wombstone (thanks to
Mr. Shade for planting the seed of this idea)
Tagline: If you thought The Return of Josey Wales
WITHOUT Clint Eastwood was the worst idea for a Western sequel ever...
Cast: Michael Parks, C. Thomas Howell, Jan-Michael Vincent
Press Release: To mark the 20th anniversary of his ill-conceived "starring" role in
the inexplicable The Return of Josey Wales, Michael Parks attempts to sully the good name of another
classic Western. Taking sequels and the naming of sequels with numbers in the title to all new blasphemous
and ridiculous levels, Twombstone AKA 2wombstone follows the story of Wyatt Earp (Parks) as
he's faced with the responsibility of burying his recently deceased friend, Doc Holliday (Howell).
While burying Doc with an iron shovel, lightning strikes the shovel, creating a current through the ground
that somehow brings Doc back to life. Earp may not be able to explain what has just happened, but he's
certainly willing to take advantage of it. The timing of Holliday's resurrection couldn't be more
appropriate because a new gang of cowboys has ridden into Tombstone causing much trouble, and Earp can
use his old friend's help.
Little does he know that when Doc came back from the grave, he brought a whole slew of otherworldly powers
with him. Join Wyatt and Doc in the sequel to 1993's classic Tombstone and experience a clash of
Sci-Fi and Westerns the likes of which you have never seen before!
Climactic Scene: Having been brought back to life as well, Johnny Ringo (Vincent)
is leading this new gang of cowboys in their assault on Tombstone. But they're no regular cowboys - they're
zombie versions of all the cowboys that Wyatt Earp killed in his rampage from the original movie. When Ringo
and Doc finally square off for their much anticipated rematch, Doc replies, "Why Johnny Ringo, you look like
someone just raised you from your grave."
Doc then uses his otherworldly powers to send electric shocks into Ringo's body. As Ringo shakes
convulsively, Doc deadpans, "You want fries with that shake?" With that he hits Ringo with another powerful
volt of electricity, frying him even worse and completely draining him of his life-force.
After killing Ringo for a second time, Doc stands over his body and replies, "It would appear that the
DRAIN was more than he could bear."
Fade to black. Cue credits. Everybody goes home extremely angry and mortified.
Wisdom from Adam West's Batman
If you've never seen the 1966 movie or TV version of Batman starring Adam West and Burt Ward then you
are missing out on some high quality cheese. Yes, it's campy, but it's intentionally so. The writers knew
exactly what they were doing, and they do it quite cleverly. It's high time the Movie Mark start leaving you
with little tidbits of wisdom from the original Caped Crusader. You'll laugh, you'll shake your head, you'll
roll your eyes, you'll walk away a richer and fuller person, and you'll thank me for it. So in the immortal
words of Batman,
"This time, the Joker gave the party. Next time we'll hand out the door prizes."
Coming Next Week...
A review of 16 Blocks and I HOPE a review of Ultraviolet, but I don't yet know if Memphis is
getting a screening of it. Also, the finalists of the Movie Mark Awards (the Golden Brolins) will be announced.
I'm setting it up so that all you readers can vote on your favorites, and I'll even give you the option to do
write-in votes. See how much I care?
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February 23, 2006
TRAILER: Inside Man
Clive Owen intent on pulling off the perfect bank robbery, and Denzel Washington as the hostage negotiator?
I'm there. Well, I'd be there regardless, but you know what I mean. I'm not a Spike Lee fan, but this looks
like it could cure my thriller blues. Check out the official
website to watch the trailer.
Inside Man opens on March 24.
Rottweiler
I watched (i.e. fast forwarded through) Rottweiler last night. Boy oh boy. I simply didn't have it in
me to put forth the effort and finish the review last night. We'll see if I can find the motivation tonight.
Probably not. In the meantime, if you spot this on the Sci-Fi Channel then quickly pass it by. And I do
mean QUICKLY.
Quick American Idol Comment
Did anybody watch Jabba sing Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana last night? Wow. Perhaps the worst live
performance I've ever seen. When Ryan Seacrest made his high-pitched plea for viewers to text message the
word "VOTE" I said aloud, "Can I text message the word SUCK?" Stephanie laughed. So did I. Good stuff.
"Did you just compliment your own humor?"
Yep, sure did. I literally patted myself on the back also.
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February 22, 2006
Apocalypse Now - More Money than Sense
Have you ever wondered what people with too much money and too little common sense spend all that extra cash
on? Well, wonder no more! Some smelly, sweaty shirt that Jake Gyllenhaal wore in Brokeback Mountain
sold for $101,100 on eBay. Yep, you read that right. How on earth could you possibly get your money's
worth out of that item? Honestly, I want to know.
The shirt that Josh Brolin wore as Duster in Slow Burn that Stephanie got me as a gift one year cost
less than $30. The fact that I own a shirt that Josh Brolin wore in a movie is dorky enough, but can you
imagine if I paid over $100K for it? Granted, the jacket he wore or the Colts he used as "Wild Bill" Hickok
in The Young Riders might be worth that, but otherwise...
Oh, and in last week's Movie Mark Journal I mentioned that Paris Hilton had been contacted about potentially
starring as the lead role in an upcoming Mother Teresa biopic. I am now adding that to the "Apocalypse Now"
section. What's next? Feelers being sent to gauge Kid Rock's interest in The Billy Graham
Story?
Other signs of the Apocalypse can be viewed right here.
On DVD this Week
Rent, Charlize Theron's Oscar attempt in North Country, Keira Knightley's attempt to shed her
innocent image in Domino, and Nicolas Cage's attempt to bore us
all to sleep in The Weatherman are this week's biggest new
releases.
I haven't seen the first two, nor do I plan on renting them anytime soon, and
Domino was just OK (I strongly recommend reading my review first
to see if it might be your style), but the best advice I can give you is STAY FAR FAR AWAY FROM
THE WEATHERMAN!
It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. One of the most boring, shallow movies I've sat through in quite a while.
It's not even worth a rental. In fact, when you're walking down the aisle at the video store and you get to
the "W" section, don't even waste your time looking at it. Dart your head away from it as quickly as possible.
Don't even THINK about picking up the box and reading the synopsis on the back. That alone would be a huge
waste of your time. Any curiosity that needs satisfying can be accomplished by reading my
review. After you're done with that you can put the movie
out of your head and never bother thinking about it again. You're welcome.
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February 21, 2006
Running Scared - The Musical?
Johnny: I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Billy Badét. Hey
Billy, tell everyone how to pronounce your last name. Is that like "bidet"?
Billy: No, it's like if you said the word "bad" and then the letter "A" after it.
BAD-A.
Johnny: Well, I'm skeptical of that, but whatever. Billy is an up-and-coming
singer/songwriter who thinks he has something to offer the Movie Mark. Is that not correct, Billy?
Billy: That is correct, Johnny. I know you want to find new and exciting ways to
discuss the movies that are opening each week, so I thought it'd be a good idea if I altered lyrics to
well-known songs to reflect particular movies.
Johnny: Sounds horrible, but show us what you've got.
Billy: Thanks. I'm a little nervous because this is my first time to perform to
real people.
Johnny: Wait. You told me that you've played to large crowds before.
Billy: Yes, I consider my Star Wars collection to be a crowd. And believe me,
my collection is HUGE! Anyway, here's a little ditty I wrote for Paul Walker's Running Scared. It's
sung to the tune of Tom Petty's Running Down a Dream. *ahem*
*dair nair nair nair nair nair nair nair nair*
Running because I'm scared
Good reviews never would come to me
Working on a drama or a mystery
Goin' wherever the money leads
Running because I'm scared
Johnny: Thanks Billy, this is possibly the stupidest thing that's ever been on the
Movie Mark. And that's saying a lot. Running because I'm scared?
Billy: That's gold, man. Walker's running scared. So why is he running? Because
he's scared. This ain't rocket science, chico. I appreciate the opportunity. I'll try to put something
together for next week's 16 Blocks.
Johnny: Can't wait. Billy Badét, ladies and gentlemen. My apologies.
Coming Tomorrow...
Another example from Hollywood that the Apocalypse is near.
Free Screening Reminder
If you want to attend the Movie Mark's screening of Dave Chappelle's Block Party then you better
CLICK RIGHT HERE and sign up for a pass. There are only a few left.
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February 20, 2006
More Hate Mail
Wow. One guy (pre-teen) was so upset with my review of Date
Movie that he labeled it the "worst review ever." That's quite a statement. Let's see what
he has to say...
From: Moviesaremyhomeboy
Subject: Worst review ever!
See, if you go to a stupid spoofing humor, you get stupid spoofing humor. That was one messsed up
review, I chuckled at parts where you thought it wasnt funny, the whole hairball thing!
Dear Moviesaremyhomeboy,
You know what I chuckle at? People's inability to understand how to properly use contractions. That's
what I chuckle at. And what exactly is a "stupid spoofing humor"? I'm pretty sure I've never gone to
a "stupid spoofing humor."
"Hey Johnny, wanna see a movie? What are you in the mood for?" "Hmm, I was thinking I'd like to see
a stupid spoofing humor." "Really? Well, how about Jim Carrey's new movie?" "Oh, well that's just
a humor. I want a stupid spoofing humor!"
You get my point. Well, actually, you're defending Date
Movie, so you probably don't. Hey, what exactly is the deal with your name? Shouldn't it
be "Moviesaremyhomeboys" with an "s" at the end? How can you have plural movies be your singular
homeboy? Just curious.
Anyway, thanks for labeling my review as the "worst review ever." Over the course of history there
have probably been millions and millions of movie reviews written, so for mine to actually be the
absolute worst of all time is quite an accomplishment. Another feather in my cap, if you will.
Oh, and please, feed my curiosity one more time. Who read my review to you?
Sincerely,
jb
Opening This Week
There isn't much opening this week. Doogal? I've seen no trailers, no commercials, and have
heard no buzz. All I know is it's animated. None of this week's releases are being screened in Memphis,
so I just don't care.
I was hoping we'd get a screening of Paul Walker's Running Scared. I really wanted to see Walker
give his Keanu Reeves School of Acting chops a try at drama. Come on, Mr. Emotionless as a mob flunky?
That's gotta be good for a couple of laughs! But nope, it isn't screening here. Hmm, perhaps the
filmmakers were worried about a potential Johnny Betts' biting, scathing review? Could Running
Scared be *wait for it* RUNNING SCARED from Johnny Betts?? Bwahahaha. Man, I'm just too good
sometimes.
And no, I can't bottle it, so you can quit asking.
Coming This Week
Well, since I won't be reviewing any of this week's new releases I'll have to be extra creative to
come up with good material for you to enjoy. The illustrious Beth G. (formerly the illustrious Beth F.)
brought to my attention that I never officially unveiled my logo on the Movie Mark. I promise to do
that. I'll also post a picture of the Movie Mark shirt Stephanie had made for me and get your
feedback on whether or not that's what y'all want to purchase.
Oh, and I'm going to introduce a new picture to be showcased on my reviews. I decided it's time to
show off how studly I look with the long hair and beard. Now everybody will know why some in the
Memphis area refer to me as "the movie reviewer who looks like Jesus."
What else, ah, how about a review of the Sci-Fi Original, Rottweiler? Thanks to Ms. Cali for
bringing it to my attention.
And I think it's high time to announce the finalists for this year's Golden Brolins (aka the Golden
Marks). That's right, all BETTS are off! Look for those soon.
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February 17, 2006
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Are you anywhere near the Memphis area, and would you like to see a FREE, ADVANCED screening of Dave Chappelle's Block Party? Well, thanks to your friends at the Movie Mark you have the ability to do that.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 75 people to sign
up will receive a pass. All entries must be received by February 22nd so that I can send them to the studio so they can
save me some postage and distribute the passes. Thanks for participating. Oh, and this probably isn't ideal
for children.
What: Advanced Screening of Dave Chappelle's Block Party
When: Wednesday, March 1st at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Wolfchase in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Review: Freedomland - Samuel L. Jackson's Slump Continues
"Technically competent, yet entirely unsatisfying, Freedomland
is a movie whose proponents will excuse its mediocrity with defenses such as, 'Well, its heart is in the right
place!' That may be true, but the problem is that when the heart is placed firmly in the middle of a
below-average movie, well, you know what they say about good intentions and the road it paves."
Johnny Betts indifferently reviews yet another unspectacular Samuel L. Jackson movie,
Freedomland.
Review: Date Movie - Welcome to My "Worst of 2006" List
"I don't know; maybe it's me. I guess I should blame the fact that nowadays my comedic standards call for
something more than a cat having sex with a human corpse. I didn't realize anybody on earth would find that
humorous, but it looks like I was wrong. And I suppose I've gotten to the point in my life where extended
scenes involving a cat with diarrhea just don't put a smile on my face."
Johnny Betts reviews Date Movie, starring Alyson Hannigan
and some dude who looks like a British David Spade. Horrible, absolutely horrible. Ms. Hannigan deserves
better than this. If I see five movies worse than this all year then Hollywood is dead.
Still to Come Today!
Now that the Freedomland review has been posted you're
ready for the free movie passes, right? Check back in just a bit...
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February 16, 2006
What's Wrong with People?
I have a strong feeling that at some point in your movie-going life you have sat near a person I like to refer
to as "the punchliner." It's not a rewarding experience, and after a few of his misfires you've probably sat
there wondering what exactly is wrong with the guy. I explore the subject a little more thoroughly in...
What's Wrong with Mr. Punchliner?
Movie Horror Stories
What started out as an annoying distraction ended up giving Ed a very entertaining story to tell. Join him
for...
A Night at the Movies
Coming Tomorrow...
- Freedomland review
- Date Movie review
- Your chance to win free passes to an upcoming screening. Yep, the long wait is over.
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February 15, 2006
The People Have Spoken
You have spoken, and it's clear that there's definitely a need for the Movie Mark. Despite one reader's
comment that I "should hang it up and try to achieve something more worthwhile with my life." Thanks a lot,
mama! Just kidding - my mother would have to actually read my site to make such a comment.
It's clear that in addition to the reviews y'all want more horror stories, more "what's wrong with people"
rants, and more diatribes on Hollywood in general. Oh, and should I be happy that so many of you indicated
how much you love the "hate mail" section? For the sake of my ego, I'll just assume my responses to the hate
mail are what you love most.
So you know what we're going to do? We're going to keep making noise. We're going to keep agitating directors
of Sci-Fi Originals. We're going to continue to cause screenwriters for really bad horror movies to lodge
complaints. There are more butts to be kicked and doors to be kicked down, and we're going to prove that these
things can be accomplished with nothing more than a pair of $90 biker boots and an intelligent, witty grasp
of the English language.
Hollywood isn't scared of opinions; they're scared of educated, informed, and articulate opinions. Somebody
call Tinseltown and tell 'em Johnny Betts is coming and I'm bringing the movie marks with me.
Hate Mail
You asked for it, so here it is...
In response to my poignant, biting, and on-the-mark review of When a
Stranger Calls...
From: Someone who may or may not be the screenwriter
Good job repeating what other critics have already written about the film and making fun of Belle's eyebrows.
My, what a talent you are.
Dear Possible Cast or Crew Member of this Crappy Movie,
Thank you, it feels good when my talent is recognized. However, I must take exception to the contention that I was
"repeating" what other critics had written. I was one of the few critics who had posted a review of
When a Stranger Calls on its release date. By the
time my review was posted, there were only four or five official reviews on rottentomatoes. So if anything,
I'd say other critics ended up repeating what I said.
It wouldn't be the first time. I recall when more than a couple of people emailed me snippets of CNN's review of
A Sound of Thunder which contained two quotes which were
nearly identical to ones from my review, which, I should add, was posted before the CNN review. I decided not
to pursue legal action because I can't really blame so many people for emulating me.
Anyway, thanks again for congratulating me on a job well-done. If you indeed are someone who was involved in the
making of When a Stranger Calls then I am truly sorry that
I can't return the compliment.
Sincerely,
jb
Tomorrow I've got a horror story (not mine) and a "what's wrong with people" rant for you. Stay tuned.
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February 14, 2006
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #11
- I would like to start off by thanking the Sci-Fi Channel for finalizing my Valentine's Day plans. While
desperately trying to think of how to make this a special day for Stephanie, I was fortunate enough to take a
look at the Sci-Fi Channel's website and see their advertisement for their special Valentine's Day Vampire Movie
Marathon. According to them, "Necking takes on new meaning this Valentine's Day, when we air three vampire
flicks in a row."
Here's the best part - the first movie up to bat is a Sci-Fi Original! BOOYA! That's right, your lady will
buckle at the knees when you tell her that you'll be starting the night off with a viewing of Out For
Blood, starring Lance Henriksen, Kevin Dillon (yep, Matt's younger brother), and Vanessa Angel (Sci-Fi
boasts that she was on the Weird Science TV show). What lady doesn't find romance in watching an L.A.
cop clash with a secret cabal of vampires? Sci-Fi calls it an "action fest."
Oh, not many of you know this, but I happen to own a copy of the Sci-Fi Channel Dictionary. Let's look up
"action" and see what their definition is. Ah, in the Sci-Fi Dictionary it means "crap." That makes more
sense.
- Ever have a "What's the meaning of life?" moment? Well, I've been having a few "What's the meaning of the
Movie Mark?" moments lately. How far can I go with this little site? Will I ever compete with the big boys and
gain millions of visitors a month? Or should I be content with slow, yet steady, growth? In other words,
should I be happy that I've gone from seven to 10 readers over a two year span? But how long can I keep it
up? Do I keep the site going for 10, 20 years, or do I hang up my keyboard sooner?
Could my time and efforts be better spent, or am I actually making a difference? Is anybody out there actually
edified in any way because in reference to Freedomland I say absolutely meaningless fluff like
"It's a thriller, so I want to like it." ?? Is the Movie Mark a vital part of your daily Internet experience?
Do you value my opinions, or are you just waiting around for some free stuff?
I know that there are plenty of other sites out there where you can get info regarding what movies and DVDs are
being released, so is it totally pointless for me to discuss such things in detail? I want to cut out the
extraneous. I don't want to regurgitate a bunch of info that you can find elsewhere, especially if you are
indeed getting that info from somewhere else. That doesn't mean I can't find an original way to discuss it,
but I have to know if it's worth it.
If viewing the Movie Mark is a daily ritual for you then what do you want to see more of? What really keeps
your interest? What keeps you coming back? What would threaten to lose your interest? What needs to be
done to really light a fire under your buttocks and convince you to tell every single family member and friend
to check out the site?
The site has to have meaning, and I'm interested in what means the most to you readers. I
have other writing goals and aspirations, but I want to keep the Movie Mark going as long as it's serving a
purpose. Let me know. Send me an email. Give me meaning.
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February 13, 2006
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #10
- So The Pink Panther was #1, huh? Who knew so many people wanted to see Steve Martin mispronounce
"hamburger." Ms. Cali enjoyed it, but I'm not convinced to give it my hard-earned money.
Poor Harrison Ford. Firewall finished a disappointing 4th.
Expect him to slip into the Sylvester Stallone stage of his career now. Not only will he crank up his
petitioning for Indiana Jones 4, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gave Tom Clancy a call.
- Thanks to everybody who sent me birthday wishes, except those whose wishes included my dismemberment
and/or contacting of a deadly disease. Come on, just because you're mad that I lambasted
When a Stranger Calls doesn't mean I really deserve
for my "family to be eaten by locusts" does it?
I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm a little hesitant to give my address to complete strangers who "would like
to send [me] something." I learned a LOT from last year's stalking incident. But in my defense, Jennifer Love
Hewitt willingly gave me her address. Plus, I think "stalking" needs to be a little more well-defined. I'm
just saying.
- Josh Brolin celebrated his 38th birthday yesterday. Entertainment Tonight did indeed mention it.
Oh, and this is a complete tangent, but allow me to reiterate the need for a more clear definition of
"stalking."
Yesterday was also Joanna Kerns' birthday. If you don't remember her, she was the hot mom on Growing
Pains. When I was a kid I used to think, "Man, Jason Seaver is a lucky man." Still do,
actually. Hey, it's not my fault - Stephanie's the one who got me the Season 1 DVD for my birthday.
- It has been reported that an Indian director has contacted Paris Hilton about potentially starring as the
lead role in an upcoming Mother Teresa biopic. The Movie Mark reports that snow flurries have been spotted
in Hell this morning.
- Tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Just a quick note to all the guys out there - treat your lady right. She takes
care of your fat lazy butt every day, so it won't hurt you to do the same for her. Will it hurt you to not be a
jerk for one day? A couple of quick tips:
1) Don't ever ask somebody what they're getting their wife or girlfriend for "VD Day." It just sounds wrong.
2) If your lady asks you what she's getting for Valentine's Day, the most effective answer is NOT to point to yourself
and reply, "A little thing called all this."
- I'll be seeing Freedomland on Wednesday. The trailer looks good, but you never know with Samuel L.
Jackson these days. It's a thriller, so I want to like it. We'll see. Date Movie is on Thursday. Will it
be another case of all the funny stuff is crammed into the trailer, or will it be a full 90 minutes of
check-your-brain-at-the-door entertainment? My guess is the former. Memphis is not getting a screening of
Paul Walker's Eight Below. That may be for the best.
- Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive still rocks the house and rocks it hard. I'VE SEEN A MILLION FACES
... AND I'VE ROCKED THEM ALL! *dair nair nair nair nair* Let me check ... BOOYA! I have my CD compilation
that includes both it and Blaze of Glory. It's gonna be a good day at work.
- Don't forget to check out my best of 2005 and
worst of 2005 lists. You won't be disappointed. Well, you probably
will be, but if I said that then it wouldn't be as much of an enticement to check out the lists now would
it?
- Later, Bett-heads, I've got a Rider Review to write.
Interested in previous Movie Mark Journal entries? If so then you have way too much free time on your hands,
but you can click click here to satisfy your needs.
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February 10, 2006
Best/Worst Of 2005
Finally, I have delivered on my promise! Ignore all the other critics' lists, these two are the only ones
that matter. Enjoy.
JOHNNY BETTS' BEST OF 2005 (aka Best Betts)
JOHNNY BETTS' WORST OF 2005 (aka the Afflecks)
Review: Final Destination 3
"Personally, I morbidly enjoyed it. The movie starts off with a cringe-inducing roller coaster disaster, one
that will likely make you think twice about setting foot in an amusement park again, and it rarely slows down
for a breather. The filmmakers set out to ensure that the viewer, like a child at Neverland Ranch, is never at
ease, and that goal is accomplished as each scene leaves the viewer nervously anticipating who is going to die
next."
Johnny Betts reviews Final Destination 3, starring
Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Ryan Merriman.
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February 9, 2006
Review: Firewall
"Firewall was never meant to cure cancer or feed the homeless.
At least I hope it wasn't, otherwise that's what I'd call a bad bit of budget mismanagement. So rather than
setting a lofty goal of saving the world, it looks to me that its intention is to entertain the audience. Does
it maintain a steady degree of tension? Yep. As a result, did it keep my interest? Yep. You know what that
means? I was entertained!"
Johnny Betts reviews Firewall, starring Harrison Ford, Paul
Bettany, and Virginia Madsen.
Best/Worst Of 2005 and Final Destination 3
I know, I know. My goal was to post my best and worst of 2005 lists today. But hey, it's my birthday, SO I
CAN DO WHAT I WANT! The truth is that I fell asleep last night while working on them and decided to only
finish my Firewall review for today. And you saw how long
that took. But don't worry, I will post both lists tomorrow along with my Final Destination 3
review.
Oh, and thanks to Jenna G. and Beth G. (no relation that I know of) for being the first Movie Marks to wish
me a happy birthday. They beat the traffic and did it a day early. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you
slackers who decided to wait until the day of.
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February 8, 2006
Fun at Chuck Norris' Expense
Due to my busier than usual schedule, I can only afford a quick update today. Since poking fun at Chuck Norris
is pretty popular these days, click
here to enjoy a video tribute to the man and his beard. Once you get to the page you might have to click
on "Chuck Norris tribute" which is located on the left.
Coming tomorrow (my birthday!) I'll post my best and worst of 2005 lists. In honor of my birthday. Which is
tomorrow. Did I mention that? February 9th. Send gifts.
I also hope to post my review of Harrison Ford's Firewall.
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February 7, 2006
Johnny Betts Reworks Famous Movie Quotes
Life is about new challenges and adventures, right? Well, life is also about me finding new ways to make myself
look sillier than the previous day. It was easier for me to bust out the juvenile humor back in the early days
of the Movie Mark when I only had about three readers. But now that my readership has grown to about seven I
feel a little more obligated to present a somewhat more mature version of myself. Well, not really,
but...
Anyway, here's a new section called "Johnny Betts Reworks Famous Movie Quotes." Once you read the reworking
I think you'll fully understand what this section is all about. WARNING - Some of these will be infinitely
more stupid than others. But sometimes the best humor is the kind that makes you succumb to laughter while
shaking your head in disbelief. If Conan O'Brien can get away with it then so can I!
"Go ahead, make my day. Oh, and while you're at it, could you make me a grilled cheese
with coffee? Two creams, two sugars. Thanks."
-- "Dirty" Harry Callahan, ordering lunch at a local cafe.
I'm sorry, but I warned you.
TRAILER: Poseidon
Poseidon is a remake of 1972's The Poseidon Adventure in which a luxury ocean liner capsizes
due to a huge tidal wave, and the survivors are left to fend for themselves. Considering this stars Kurt
Russell, of whom I'm a big fan, and the special effects will no doubt trump those of 1972, I have to say
this is the kind of remake that I don't mind.
Stephanie's excited about it because Josh Lucas co-stars and is at his Five O'Clock Shadowiest (yes, I'm aware
that's not a real word).
Click
here to view the trailer.
Poseidon is scheduled to be released on May 12, 2006.
On DVD This Week
Elizabethtown, starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst
Special Features: The montage Training wheels (featuring rehearsals and screen tests), Meet the
crew featurette, Extended scenes: Rusty's learning to listen part 8, Hanging with Russell in Memphis
Just Like Heaven, starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo
Special Features: Absolutely none. WEAK! That probably means a "Special Edition" will
be released in about three months.
Doom, starring the Rock and Karl Urban
Special Features: Basic Training featurette, Rock Formation - a make-up
featurette, Master Monster Makers - a featurette on creating the creatures, First Person Shooter
Sequence (unrated edition only), Doom Nation - featurette discussing the video game franchise,
Game On! (unrated edition only), Doom 3 XBox Demo (talk about an outdated feature)
Tonight On...
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February 6, 2006
Opening This Week
Firewall (2800+ screens) - Harrison Ford is Jack Stanfield, a computer
security specialist for the Seattle-based Landrock Pacific Bank. Jack's comfortable little world is turned
upside down when Paul Bettany leads a group of mercenaries in kidnapping Jack's family. Jack is now forced
to rob the bank he works for in order to pay the ransom to get his family back. But we all know that Harrison
Ford won't be punked out so easily, right?
Verdict
Finally, Harrison Ford is back to what his fans love most - playing a guy who is faced with some sort of crisis
and consequently must figure a thrilling way out of this crisis. It's been six years since Ford last made an
entertaining movie (What Lies Beneath, yeah, I liked it - deal with it). Nobody really bought his fake
Russian accent in K-19: The Widowmaker. Sure, it was a technically sound movie, but it was so slow-paced
that my left lung fell asleep while watching (don't ask).
And don't get me started on Hollywood Homicide, co-starring the always bland Josh Hartnett, a guy who
is almost as emotionless as Joan Rivers' over-plasticized face.
I'm sure there'll be plenty of cheesy computer sequences, but Firewall looks to be a return to form for
Harrison. I'll know for sure after tonight.
Final Destination 3 (2800 screens) - A high school student has a
premonition of a disaster at her local amusement park. After the accident claims the lives of some of her
friends, she and her schoolmate plot to save the survivors from death.
Verdict
If you've seen either of the other two Final Destination movies then you know that something happens
to cause a rift in death's design and then the rest of the movie consists of us watching no-name actors either
die or continue to defy death. This stars absolutely nobody you've ever heard of, but that's good because now
we won't be sure who will live and who will die.
I'm not expecting greatness here, but I do plan on being entertained. I'm seeing this one on Tuesday.
Pink Panther (3000 screens) - Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Steve Martin) is
appointed by Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Kevin Kline) to solve the murder of a famous soccer coach and the
disappearance of the infamous Pink Panther diamond.
Verdict
I like Steve Martin, but this looks terrible. I watched the trailer, and sorry, but that was enough for me.
There's a screening of it on Tuesday, but I'm watching Final Destination 3 instead. Feel free to send
me your own review if you catch it.
Curious George (2500 screens) - While in Africa, a man (Will Ferrell) who
wears a curious yellow hat accidentally adopts a mischievous chimpanzee named George. With a new life in America,
George's adventurous nature takes control, and he heads out into this new world.
Verdict
Count me as one guy who is not curious about George. My lack of curiosity is so great that I intentionally
skipped a screening on Saturday. I'm sure plenty of kids will enjoy it, but you're on your own for this
one. Sorry, but some of my time is precious.
Weekend Box Office
Just great. When a Stranger Calls made $22 million
this weekend, guaranteeing that we'll continue to see plenty of low-effort horror movies in the future. I tried
to warn everybody. Its box office numbers will sink like Halle Berry's credibility after
Catwoman, but it's too late - it has already covered its
budget.
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February 3, 2006
Review: When a Stranger Calls - HANG UP!
"I'd like to start off by thanking the screenwriter - Jake Wade Wall. I don't know how you did it, but you
found a way to get hired to write the screenplay, effectively giving hope to any and all aspiring screenwriters.
One can't help but leave this moving thinking, 'Man, if that guy can get a job in Hollywood then I surely can!'
You presumably made a nice chunk of change for what couldn't have amounted to more than five minutes of work,
and honestly, how many of us wouldn't want that gig?"
Johnny Betts reviews When a Stranger Calls, starring
Camilla Belle.
Review: Something New
"Never underestimate the importance of connecting with your target audience. Black women in the theater were
laughing, clapping, and amen-ing throughout the entire runtime. It was obvious they were watching characters
they could relate to. I, on the other hand, would have felt like a bit of a poser had I joined in on the
applause and shouts of "you go girl!" when Kenya finally ditched her weave."
Johnny Betts reviews Something New, starring Sanaa Lathan
and Simon Baker.
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February 2, 2006
SEQUEL NEWS: Narnia
It's official. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media announced yesterday
that they are moving forward with the sequel to The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. Duh. The movie has
made nearly $640 million worldwide, so it was pretty much a given that Prince Caspian wouldn't be too
far behind.
The main cast is coming back, and since it's important that the movie gets done before all the kids hit puberty
and look all weird and awkward and stuff, production is due to begin this year. The release date is tentatively
set for Christmas 2007.
Andrew Adamson will return to direct and will reportedly receive an 8-figure salary. Wow. That's a lot of
good eatin'.
FREE MOVIE: Night Watch
Unfortunately, the Movie Mark is not sponsoring this screening. Even worse, Memphis is not one of the selected
cities for a screening. But I'm not mad. I won't hold that against all you readers who might be fortunate
enough to live in one of the chosen locations. Therefore, I'm passing along this info to you out of the kindness
of my tender heart.
Fox Searchlight apparently wants to get the word out on its upcoming horror movie Night Watch. No, this
is not a remake of the Josh Brolin/Ewan McGregor collaboration. Just
click here and then when you get to the page
click on "Check out a Free Screening in Your Area." If it is indeed being screened in your area then
follow the instructions and enjoy.
Coming tomorrow...
Reviews of Something New and When a Stranger Calls. Tune in next week for my Best and Worst
of 2005.
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February 1, 2006
Review: Webs
"Time has not been kind to Grieco's face. Or maybe it was the plastic surgeon who wasn't kind to it.
I don't know if this will make sense, but he's got a transvestite caveman look going on. He needs to be careful
when he squints. It looks like he's had so many face lifts that if he pulls his skin any tighter we're going to
see something tear."
Are you interested in a behind-the-scenes look at how painful it can be to sit through a Sci Fi Original?
Well, look no further than my review of Webs, starring Richard
Grieco.
I tried an unconventional format for this review, choosing to document some of my thoughts while sitting through
this rotten apple. Send me an email and let me know what you
think. I won't use this format for current releases, but if you dig it then I just might employ it for
future reviews of Sci Fi Originals. Fans of my Rider Reviews might find the style to be a little
familiar.
One More Thing About the Oscars...
I just have to add to yesterday's rant. Excuse me, but Revenge of the Sith doesn't get nominated for
Visual Effects? Are you kidding me? THEY'RE THE BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS I'VE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE! And it
doesn't get nominated for Best Music (score)???? How on earth did Munich and The Constant
Gardener get nominated for best score but Sith got snubbed? IT'S JOHN WILLIAMS! No movie I saw this
year had a better score than Revenge of the Sith. It's mind-boggling.
Fear not, movie fans, my nominees are coming soon...
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