BREAKING NEWS - FEBRUARY 2007
February 28, 2007
Johnny's Worst of 2006
I had forgotten just how many mediocre-to-bad movies I somehow managed to sit through last year. Well, I think
it's only right to draw attention to what I deemed the absolute worst ones. Hopefully you can use this list as
a guide to help you know exactly what to avoid when you're browsing the video store aisles. Even when desperation
sets in, these are to be avoided, except for a couple that I can only recommend to lovers of bad cinema.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you...
JOHNNY BETTS' BOTTOM 10 OF 2006 LIST
Enjoy the fresh commentary on these turdburgers. And just click on a movie's title if you'd like to
read or re-read my bitingly accurate and inimitably funny reviews.
I have decided that this is enough entertainment for one day, so I'll unveil my Top 10 of 2006 list tomorrow.
I'm still trying to decide between a couple of films, and it's a tough call. Check back tomorrow to see what
makes the final cut.
Dear Forms of Lower Intelligence
I sure wish the two morons who were talking during last night's screening of Zodiac could read because
I would love to issue a warning about attempting to do the same in the future. Before you think I'm being too
harsh, let me point out that they were talking the ENTIRE movie using their normal speaking voices. One of the
mentally-challenged representations of white trash was even carrying on a phone conversation for a few minutes.
I have no idea why security didn't do anything. They're lucky they were about 4 or 5 rows above me; else I
would have made a scene (and received a standing ovation to boot). Thankfully, they were far enough away from
me to not be TOO huge of a distraction, but every now and then I could tell that they were trying to be cute by
saying things like, "I'm the Zodiac!"
I guess that might pass for humorous in detention or your 3rd period shop class, but trust me - no one with
above 100 IQs thinks you're funny.
A lot of people mentioned afterwards how annoying these guys were, and they have assured me they've got my
back in case this happens in the future and I proceed with a confrontation.
So if anybody knows these two lower life forms, well, I'm sincerely sorry, but could you express to them
(via clicks, grunts, pictures, or whatever form of communication they can most easily understand) that
they have been warned. Next time they will be given no quarter.
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February 27, 2007
On DVD This Week
This week's releases include movies that made both my Top 10 of 2006 and Bottom 10 of 2006 lists.
Check out all the details on my DVD Preview page. You won't be
glad you did, but at least you'll make my site's hit count go up and that's really all that matters.
Top 10 and Bottom 10 of 2006
Man, compiling these lists is more trouble than I remembered. I saw 86 theatrically-released movies in
2006, so sifting through 'em all and trying to whittle everything down to a couple of lists can get
rather tedious. Though I must admit that I rather enjoy going back and re-reading some of my old
reviews.
After I've separated myself from a review for a few months and then am able to go back and read it with
fresh eyes, well, it helps me to understand how it feels to be a reader like you - able to look forward
to my wit and wisdom on an almost-daily basis. To have someone you can count on for the most
entertaining, most reliable movie reviews around. Man, y'all are lucky.
I wish I could be so fortunate. Why the majority of y'all aren't more appreciative I'll never know.
I mean, come on, all this entertainment, education, and enlightenment FOR FREE?!?!?! That's gotta weigh
on your conscience after a while, so in an effort to tell me thank you please feel free to just give me
some cash at future screenings. Or gift cards will do.
Oh yeah, the lists. They'll be ready by tomorrow. I think.
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February 26, 2007
The Oscar Round-Up
My original intent was to give a blow-by-blow analysis of the Oscars, but once I looked at the DVR and saw
that it was moving into hour six, I decided there was no possible way I was going to force myself to sit
through the entire thing without the benefit of my friend the fast forward button. So allow me to just make
a few observations:
- The Opening - The opening bit with all the nominees was lame. Everybody was
trying to act natural and candid and spontaneous. The fact that I didn't recognize half of 'em didn't exactly
raise my interest.
- Ellen as Host - What in the world is Ellen wearing? She comments on how as a little
girl she always wanted to host the Academy Awards, so this is a dream come true. Well, as a little boy I always
wanted to comment on an Ellen-hosted Academy Awards show, so HELLO DREAMS! Thanks for coming true!
Overall she was pretty funny as the host. The two best moments were when she gave Scorsese a script and got
Eastwood to take a picture with her for Myspace.
- Peter O'Toole is one scary looking man. He has to be 138 years old.
- The Major Awards - Eh. Of the movies nominated for Best Picture I feel The Departed
was the most deserving, so I agree with that choice. It'll be in my Top 10 of 2006 list, but I don't know that I'd say
it was the best movie of the year. Everything else? I had no real stake in any of the winners, so whatever. However,
I did have a couple of major complaints. See below...
- Best Supporting Actor - ALAN ARKIN?!?!?! Give me a break. He was the worst thing
about Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, I really didn't start enjoying the movie until there was no longer
any focus on his character. Ridiculous.
- Best Animated Feature - HAPPY FEET?!?!?! Are you kidding me? I haven't met a single
person who actually liked it. Cars got ripped off. I hate the Academy.
- Line of the Night - "Dame Judi Dench is not here tonight. She's having 'knee surgery.'
On her eyes." Even funnier was when Ellen "corrected" this mistake by matter-of-factly saying it was "on her boobs."
There was one woman in the audience who did not appear amused. Oh lighten up, wainch.
- Highlight of the Night - Afro-sportin' Will Ferrell singing with Jack Black about
how sad it is to be a comedian on Oscar night. I loved the bit about how they were going to fight all the Oscar
nominees. "Hey Ryan Gosling! You're all hip and now. Well, I'm gonna break your hip. Right now!" John C.
Reilly added a nice touch as well. Words can't do it justice. Find the clip on YouTube and enjoy.
- Night's Most Awkward Moment
- Eastwood struggling to read the teleprompter because
he didn't bring his glasses. Poor guy. It was also awfully uncomfortable when he had to translate Marconi's acceptance
speech. Oh, and there was one part where Marconi said "punta" twice. Funny, but Clint didn't seem to translate
that correctly. Something smells fishy!
Welp, I'm a busy man and that's all I've got for the moment. Tune in tomorrow when I give you some REAL awards - my
Best of and Worst of lists for 2006. Plus, I'll soon be sending out the categories for 2006's Golden Brolins. The
way this will work is YOU the reader will have a chance to nominate your favorites for each category, and then I'll
combine the most popular choices and put together a comprehensive voting page that will allow you to choose the
winners.
Don't worry; if you're confused then I promise it'll make sense eventually. Stay tuned.
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February 23, 2007
REVIEW: The Number 23
"I'm not sure why The Number 23 is getting so much hate. Is it
the next Memento or The Usual Suspects? No, but it is a film with an excellent concept,
a solid-if-not-flawless execution, and a fairly satisfying resolution. Chances are you'll either love or hate
the conclusion, but one thing you won't remain is indifferent."
Johnny reviews The Number 23, starring Jim Carrey and Virginia
Madsen. And you know what? It contains my very best Josh Brolin/Kevin Bacon connection EVER! I connected
everybody using actors' 23rd credit.
I'm so proud of it that I'm gonna display it right here: Jim Carrey was in Batman Forever (his 23rd credit)
with Debi Mazar who was in Girl 6 (her 23rd credit) with Gretchen Mol who was in Picnic (her 23rd
credit) with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man (his 23rd credit) with Kevin Bacon.
The fact that Hollow Man is Josh's 23rd credit pretty much brings it all home. I, my friends, am simply
awesome. You will not find a single reviewer or critic who pulled off anything close to a similar feat for their
lame review of the movie. Up yours, fellow critics! Up yours.
REVIEW: Amazing Grace
"Wilberforce's struggle wasn't one of over-night resolution. It was a long, hard battle waged against adamant
and heavy opposition. A very in-depth story to tell in a 2-hour time frame, indeed, but thanks to convincing
actors, smart and filth-free dialogue, and a beautifully-represented time period,
Amazing Grace succeeds and tells the story very well."
Johnny reviews Amazing Grace, starring Ioan Gruffudd,
Benedict Cumberbatch, Albert Finney, Michael Gambon, Romola Garai, and Rufus Sewell.
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February 22, 2007
New Movie Mark Dictionary Term
Cinema Au Gratin: Cinema with cheese. Used to refer to a movie whose entertainment
value lies primarily in its cheese factor. Thanks to Laslo for the suggestion.
TMM Comic - Dealing with People Who Spoil Movies
If you've read my Don't Spoil the Movie! WWWP article then you are well aware
of how much I hate when people spoil movies. Just because you saw a movie and I didn't doesn't mean you have
a right or an obligation to reveal certain plot points that will ruin any and all surprises.
As great as my article is, there's no denying that sometimes a picture is indeed worth a thousand words. And
why try to come up with 1000 words to express my frustration when I can quickly draw a few stick figures and
then brag about how its charm resides in its juvenility (yes, it's a real word, look it up)?
Please note that all the characters in this cartoon are professionals who are well-versed in the art of stick
figure dark comedy. Please do not attempt this at home. Or at the theater.
And Harvey "Two-Face" Dent Is...
Aaron Eckhart. I've liked Eckhart in just about everything I've seen him in (especially
Thank You for Smoking), so I'm fully on board with
this casting choice. The Dark Knight keeps getting better. Unlike something else...
Mainstream Critics - Getting Worse All the Time
My review of Jim Carrey's The Number 23 will be posted tomorrow, but I'll go ahead and let you know that
I enjoyed it. It seems that most critics did not. Who cares? Most of these guys can't be entertained unless
a film is even more pretentious than they are.
But hey, we're all entitled to our opinions. They're welcome to be wrong all they want. However, I do
have a problem with how many of these critics still rely on extremely horrible puns. For example, two, count
'em - two, reviewers have commented on how there are "at least 23 reasons" not to see the movie.
Hardy har har. Can I get a rim shot?
But I think I came across the absolute worst pun of all time when looking at comments for
Hannibal Rising. I can't remember the reviewer's name
or what publication she wrote for, but I think it was some newspaper in Florida. Anyway, her quote was:
"How far the bite-y have fallen."
Absolutely ridiculous. Who is your audience? Seven year olds who think those old "Joke A Day" books are
hysterical? You don't see me writing crap like "How far the ride-y have fallen" in regard to
Ghost Rider, now do you? I wouldn't have the nerve to write
something so stupid unless it was as a joke in my Odds & Ends.
Seriously, could any of you make a comment like that with a straight face?
The Battle of the Staches
Below is a picture of Josh Brolin sportin' a sweet "police officer mustache," along with a letter my sister
wrote to me detailing her excitement in finding this picture.
I've also included a picture of my dad for comparison purposes. My dad has had his mustache since he was four
years old, and when I was young my friends often assumed he was a cop.
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February 21, 2007
TMM Comic - Dealing with Annoying Cell Phone Users
One thing that the majority of intelligent moviegoers can agree on is that people who use their cell phones
during a movie deserve any beatdown that they might receive. For an in-depth look at how to deal with these
selfish jerks please read my old What's Wrong With People article Cell Phones +
Quiet Theater = Don't Mix. An article well ahead of its time, if I do say so myself.
In addition to that perceptive piece of literary pugilism, I'd like to demonstrate, via the medium of crude art,
another way to deal with these pariahs. And by "crude" I mean "lacking gloss," so get your minds
out of the gutter. Pervs.
One of the great things about TMM is its to-a-fault lack of pretense. So keep that in mind as you enjoy the
fruit of my pencil...
Bury My Heart...
...at the Trailer Park...
I know the upcoming Grindhouse won't likely be everybody's cup of tea (I'm laying 10 to 1 odds that my mom
will never see it), but no one can deny that this is a significant step in Josh Brolin's conquering of
Hollywood. The fact that he looks like he's going to engage in all sorts of bad guy butt-kickery certainly
helps.
If you're not easily offended (there is plenty of gore and scantily-clad women), and if you're a fan of Josh,
Kurt Russell, Quentin Tarantino, and/or Robert Rodriguez then you'll want to take a look at the
new trailer.
Now say it with me ... DOC BLOCK ROCKS! You heard the phrase hear first.
Jim Carrey as David Caruso
This is absolutely hilarious. If you've ever witnessed David Caruso deliver his stilted one-liners on
CSI: Miami then you'll highly appreciate this.
Jim Carrey was on David Letterman on Monday night and delivered a dead-on impersonation of the red-headed one.
I especially love his rendition of Caruso as an English teacher.
Watch the clip here.
The Number 23
I saw The Number 23 last night, and wouldn't you know it - I NOW SEE THE NUMBER IN EVERYTHING!!!!!!
My birthday - February 9, 1975 ... 2 + 9 + 7 + 5 = 23
My sister's birthday - February 6, 1987 ... 2 + 6 + 8 + 7 = 23
My other sister? She was born on October 23rd!!!! My age? 32 - the reverse of 23!
The price of Wal-Mart's gas (where I always get my gas) after the movie? $2.03.
This might be funny if it weren't downright spooky. Now if you'll excuse me I have some more numbers to obsess
over. I'll report back later.
American Idol
I just got finished fast-forwarding through Tuesday night's episode of American Idol, and I must say
that my ears haven't been this aurally offended since Roseanne attempted to sing the National Anthem. These
talentless hacks are the 12 best guys they could find? Not even a Chris Daughtry or a Bo Bice in sight.
Though I do have to give props to Chris Sligh for taking a swipe at the Teletubbies. I don't know the specifics,
but Simon Cowell is in some way responsible for those gay little puppets. I like Simon, but you simply can't help
but be entertained when he's left speechless and in an obvious tizzy.
Let's hope the girls are better. If things get too bad then at least I can always turn off the volume.
I'm off to listen to some John Fogerty. I've seriously gotta get that barefoot Asian dude's sleep-inducing
drone of a voice out of my head.
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February 20, 2007
On DVD This Week
There are plenty DVDs being released this week, but there's only one I've seen and I highly recommend
it - The Prestige. Other than that, can you believe
there's a sequel to Open Water? I wish I were kidding.
Check out all the details in my DVD preview page.
Coming Soon...
I planned on a bigger update today, but I've got so much on my plate right now that my creativity has
suffered a bit. Tune in tomorrow for a very special comic strip on how to deal with annoying cell
phone users. The artwork will blow your mind.
Also this week I plan on unveiling my top 10 and bottom 10 of 2006. It'll be pretty exciting, let me
tell ya.
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February 16, 2007
REVIEW: Ghost Rider
"Folks, you better bring your tents because it's time to set up camp! The first 20 minutes or so of
Ghost Rider tricked me into thinking I might be in
store for a dark, somewhat serious take on the comic book hero. Well, enter Satan and his perverted
elocution, and I suspected things were about to get cartoonish. Then Blackheart and his minions join
the fray, and that's when we know for sure the cheese is on."
Johnny reviews Ghost Rider, starring Nicolas Cage,
Eva Mendes, and Sam Elliott.
REVIEW: Breach
"If you are already familiar with the story then Breach will
only offer a dramatic interpretation of the events surrounding Hansenn. If, like me, you only possess
a minimal knowledge of the subject then this will certainly pique your interest to find out more.
However, if you're looking for concrete answers then that's one thing the film does not offer."
Johnny reviews Breach, starring Chris Cooper and Ryan
Phillippe.
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February 15, 2007
Opening This Week
 
Music and Lyrics - This opened yesterday. Read
my review if you need more information.
Breach - Based on the true story of double agent Robert Hanssen and the
agent-wannabe Eric O'Neill who helped bring him down. I've seen it, and it suited my needs as far as
true story-inspired political thrillers go. Review coming tomorrow...
Ghost Rider - Unless you don't own a television then you've seen the commercials
for this one. I'm holding out hope, but it comes at the hands of the guy responsible for
Daredevil and
Elektra, so you can understand my wariness. Barring divine intervention, I'll be seeing it
tonight and reviewing it by tomorrow.
Bridge to Terabithia - Fifth grader Jesse Aaron's hopes of becoming the
fastest runner in his class are dashed when new girl Leslie Burke outruns everybody, including
him. However, Jess and Leslie soon begin a friendship, and discover a magical kingdom in the forest,
where the two of them reign together as king and queen.
Well, I would normally be inclined to say NARNIA RIPOFF! But this has been getting decent reviews.
Unfortunately, they didn't screen it in Memphis, so I won't be seeing it any time soon. If you check
it out then send me your comments and I'll share them with the rest of the Movie Marks out there.
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February 14, 2007
REVIEW: Music and Lyrics
"What are the movie's chances of making my 'Top 10 Comedies of All Time' list? Better than
Rosie O'Donnell's chances of making my 'Top 10 Thin Hotties of All Time' list, but still not great.
But who cares? It has a certain charming cheesiness to it, just like the 80s era that it's mocking.
It succeeds in that it never takes itself too seriously, yet it thankfully avoids over-the-top
stupidity as well."
Johnny reviews Music and Lyrics, starring
Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
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February 13, 2007
On DVD This Week
The big release this week is The Departed. I would say
more, but I've already said it in my DVD Preview so just read that
and help me save my breath. Thanks.
READER REVIEW: Epic Movie
If there's one thing I've made perfectly clear over the past year, other than the fact that Josh Brolin
is on the verge of conquering Hollywood, it's that I think Date
Movie is one of the most inept attempts at humor that has polluted movie screens in decades.
I've also made it clear that I really have no desire to see its follow-up - Epic Movie - despite
some of you begging me to review it. My response was that you pay for my ticket and I'll go see it and
review it. Apparently, that's where your interest stopped.
Anyway, I'm happy to report that fellow Movie Mark - Red Zero - has seen the movie and sent us a warning
as to why we shouldn't. Don't let Red Zero's suffering be in vain. Take the following words to
heart:
I can save you a lot of annoying requests to review Epic Movie with some sound advice.
Don't see Epic Movie.
I got dragged into it by some friends who can't clearly distinguish crap when they step in it, and all
I can tell you is that I want my money and time back.
It's just not a funny movie on any level whatsoever.
Here are some examples of what to expect from this turd (spoilers, but honestly it's not like you
should care):
-Captain Jack Sparrow being renamed "Captain Jack Swallows"
-Mystique from X-Men becoming fat and blubbery to accustom one character's "fetish" for sex
-The Faun from Chronic(WHAT)cles of Narnia having a homosexual relationship with the talking beaver
-The Faun actually making out with that beaver, tongue and all... (I couldn't watch)
-A spoof of Snakes on a Plane (as if that movie
needed a freakin' spoof) where one guy constantly yells a reworked version of that movie's signature
line
-Someone drinking from an open sewer line (spoof of Willy Wonka's chocolate river)
It goes on like this. The jokes in this movie are either incredibly repetitive without ever being funny
to begin with or just plain gross.
Don't see it.
I took one for the team so that you didn't have to.
Thanks, Red Zero, for shouldering the responsibility for this one. I can honestly say that I vicariously
felt your pain by reading your words. I may even go so far as to add it to my "Worst of 2007" list
without ever seeing it. My claim will be that it's just that bad.
It's amazing to me that 2007 is only a month and a half old but I've already seen AT LEAST three strong
contenders for my "Worst of" list - Code Name: The
Cleaner, The Hitcher,
Because I Said So (along with a couple of other
candidates), but what's even more amazing is how many others that have been released that I have refused
to see (Epic Movie, Catch and Release, Norbit).
Thank goodness this is The Year of Josh, else I might simply have no hope left.
She's a Man, Baby
Dear TV, I'm begging you to pleeeeeeeease keep Fergie off my screen! I simply can't take it anymore.
Sincerely,
Johnny Betts
P.S. Can you spell T to the R to the A - N - N - E - Y (misspelled on purpose because I'm sure that's
how she he would want it).
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February 12, 2007
Hollywood Video vs. Blockbuster
I have to say, Hollywood Video, despite its smaller inventory (why didn't you have Unknown???),
is doing a fine job of making itself an attractive alternative to Blockbuster.
As some of you may know, I celebrated my birthday on Friday. I guess y'all might have heard that through
the grapevine because I'm certainly too modest and humble to broadcast such information on the site.
Anyway, after getting home from another successful day of butt-kicking at work, I recalled that a Movie
Mark fan (Tangentgirl) had mentioned recently that Hollywood Video offered members a free rental on
their birthday.
I decided to head on over to the nearest store and see if this was true. And you know what? It is!
In fact, they'll let you have THREE rentals for free. New releases, old releases, whatever you want.
My only regret is that I didn't remember this before I left work. If I had, then I'd have taken a
different route home where I would go by two Hollywood Videos, and then when I went to grab something
to eat I could have gone to a third location.
Man. With a little better planning I could have had nine free rentals for my birthday. Unfortunately,
I was too lazy (and not in the mood to waste gas) to do all the backtracking it would have required to
now go to the other Hollywood Videos.
Anyway, I did have three DVDs to trade in at Blockbuster, so I stopped by there afterwards with three
fresh, free rentals in my truck. As the guy tallied my credit I asked him, "Do y'all offer a free
rental for birthdays?"
Obviously aware of Hollywood's policy, he lowered his voice and sheepishly mumbled, "Um, no,
we don't do that." I slowly shook my head and replied, "Mhm."
To my knowledge, Hollywood Video does not let you trade in used DVDs for store credit. That's their
major drawback in regard to Blockbuster. I enjoy buying a used DVD at Blockbuster for $4 (when they have
their 50% off sale) and then trading it in for $3 store credit. It has kept me from actually paying for
a rental or DVD for probably over a year.
So come on, Hollywood Video, offer store credit for used DVDs and take away my last bit of incentive to
go to Blockbuster! I have no store loyalty. I simply pursue the best deal for me.
Oh, and it should be noted that neither store had Josh Brolin's Coastlines. Jerks. Show me
an independently-run video store that does and perhaps I'll consider giving them my future business.
But if you've got a birthday coming up then I highly recommend hitting as many Hollywood Videos as you
can. You might want to go ahead and set up accounts at each location you plan to hit, just as a
precaution. Then on your special day it's time to reap the rewards!
No need to thank me. Just doin' my job.
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February 9, 2007
REVIEW: Hannibal Rising
"Heading into the movie I was interested in watching the character slowly devolve into something less
than human, but we never really see the complete transition into cold-blooded psychopath. Where is
the internal struggle? Where is the motivation to continue to kill after he has exacted his revenge?
Why doesn't the killing stop? Hey filmmakers - don't act like you're trying to answer questions when
all you do is create more."
Johnny reviews Hannibal Rising, starring
Gaspard Ulliel, Rhys Ifans, Li Gong, and Dominic West.
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February 8, 2007
Opening This Week
Hannibal Rising - An origin story about Hannibal Lecter. My review will be
posted tomorrow.
Norbit - Good job, Eddie Murphy. You follow up an Oscar-nominated performance
by retreading crap Martin Lawrence has already done? Way to go, man. Good job of fine-tuning that
craft. I highly recommend that y'all do what I did and just say NO-bit. Bwahahaha. Man, I'm good.
Tuesday's screening? Skipped it. Tonight's screening? Skippin' it.
Remember folks, trust my instincts. I wouldn't even go to the trouble to see this one for free, so why
even think about wasting money on it? Let's show Hollywood that there really isn't a demand for more
"a guy in a fat-woman suit" movies.
The Sci-Fi Report
There's really nothing opening this weekend that demands your big screen bucks, and I know each of you
will want to honor my birthday in your own movie-watching way, so what better way to pay tribute to
the great Johnny Betts than getting together with friends and ridiculing a Sci-Fi Original? Let's see
what's on tap this weekend...
Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness - How do you make a Sci-Fi Original about gargoyles
even worse than it sounds on paper? Bring in Michael Paré as your lead and have Jim
"Komodo vs. Cobra" Wynorski direct, of course!
This is a repeat, and I've already seen it, but for some reason I never finished my review of it. I
started the review, but never found the energy to complete it. I'll try to do that soon. I did take
note of two of the movie's "better" quotes:
"Nothing like a cold beer with a bunch of devil worshippers."
"What's the matter? Bat got your tongue?"
It's amazing how two simple lines can tell you EXACTLY what to expect from a movie. Powerful stuff.
Now I know what you're thinking, "But Johnny, like you said, Gargoyle is a repeat! I've seen it 10 times and
own the DVD! Isn't there a NEW Sci-Fi Original coming on???"
I'm glad you asked. Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness is merely an appetizer preparing you for the feast...
Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud - I've never seen the original Pumpkinhead so
I can't comment one way or the other on its quality or necessity in a horror fan's movie collection.
However, I feel fairly confident in saying its three sequels weren't exactly necessary.
Now I know writer/director Michael Hurst was also the driving force behind House of the Dead 2
and the movie that turned cinematic history on its ear - Mansquito,
but still, can anyone truly justify this? And no, I don't mean you, Lance Henriksen, with those bills you
obviously have to pay.
The original title was called Pumpkinhead: Love Hurts, with a story modeled after Romeo and Juliet.
Don't mind that whirring noise, folks, it's just Shakespeare spinning in his grave.
And they say Hollywood is bankrupt in the idea department...
Daniel Baldwin Update
If you'll recall, Daniel Baldwin was arrested in Santa Monica, California in November, while driving an
SUV that had been reported stolen. Welp, he was arrested again this week after failing to appear in
court to face the grand theft auto charges.
The good news for Baldwin is that the car's owner is a friend of his and is claiming that this is all
one big misunderstanding. He's appealing with the court, trying to get them to throw the case out,
even going so far as to sign an affidavit saying that Daniel was authorized to borrow the vehicle.
The bad news for Baldwin is that it's still his responsibility to figure out a way to get the pizzas
delivered on time.
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February 7, 2007
Movie Mark Original #22
Title: Chalupacabra
Tagline: Say cheese. Spicy Monterey Jack cheese...
Cast: Danny Trejo, Lorenzo Lamas, Lou Diamond Phillips
Plot Summary: Camino Esperanzo (Trejo) has been a fast food employee his
entire life, never reaching for greater heights. After a string of gruesome deaths puts the entire
community in a state of unease, Camino becomes suspicious when it's discovered that one thing all
of the victims have in common is that each one had eaten at his place of employment - Grande Taco -
just prior to death.
Another thing the victims have in common is that they were all gutted in the same vicious manner,
leading locals to discuss the possibility that these attacks are at the clawed hands of the chupacabra,
a mythical creature whose stories are usually relegated to bad horror movies and sketchy
tabloids.
Camino's suspicions are raised even higher when he recalls his manager returning from a trip to
Puerto Rico claiming he had found the perfect ingredient that was finally going to put Grande Taco
ahead of its competition - chupacabra eggs.
Camino originally laughed this off as a fanciful tale and figure the new special was called El Taco de
Diablo because of how hot and spicy it was, but he soon starts to think that something more sinister
is afoot.
Can he team with detectives Mario (Lamas) and Lopez (Phillips) in time to stop the damage being done by
the chalupacabra, or will customers continue to suffer from more than just heart burn?
Click here for more hilarious Movie Mark Originals.
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February 6, 2007
On DVD This Week
Everybody knows what this week's biggest release is, right? Josh Brolin's Coastlines, of course!
I haven't seen this yet, and my birthday is on Friday, so who's gettin' this one for me???
This week's DVD preview showcases four new releases. I definitely
recommend one, I give two of them marginal recommendations, and there's one that I'd suggest avoiding at
all costs. Check it out for all the non-gory details.
Oh, and I better mention this or my sister will cry and tell everybody how evil I am - happy birthday to
Amber Rose.
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February 5, 2007
TRAILER: 1408
Always on the lookout for potentially good horror flicks, I came across some info on an upcoming Stephen King
adaptation starring John Cusack. In 1408, Cusack plays a renowned horror novelist who only believes
what he can see with his own two eyes.
A bitter skeptic, he writes a string of bestsellers discrediting paranormal events in the most infamous
haunted houses and graveyards around the world. The death of his daughter has caused him to scoff at the
concept of an afterlife.
However, his skepticism is severely put to the test when he checks into suite 1408 of the notorious Dolphin
Hotel for his latest project, "Ten Nights in Haunted Hotel Rooms." Defying the warnings of the hotel
manager (Samuel L. Jackson), Cusack is the first person in years to stay in the reputedly haunted room,
a room where 56 deaths have occurred and it is said no one can last more than an hour.
Can Cusack survive the night? Will he serenade the room whilst holding a boombox high above his head?
Watch the trailer.
Despite the horrendous shirt that Cusack's sporting in the trailer, this one looks pretty interesting.
Stephen King adaptations aren't always successful, but this has raised my expectations. It doesn't open
until July 13.
The Year of Josh Gets Bigger
Well, as y'all know by now, 2007 has officially been deemed "The Year of Josh" in honor of the most underrated
actor in the biz - Josh Brolin. As if his 2007 resume wasn't already strong enough (working with Tarantino,
Robert Rodriguez, Ridley Scott, the Coens), he's decided to tighten his stranglehold on Hollywood.
TMM, via my obsessive Internet searching, has just learned that Josh has been added to the cast of Oscar
Winner Paul Haggis' next flick In the Valley of Elah. It's a murder mystery based on the true story
of a career officer who investigates the disappearance of his son, an exemplary soldier who went AWOL after
his recent return from Iraq.
Josh will be teamed up with Tommy Lee Jones (with whom he's also appearing in the Coens' No Country for Old
Men) and Charlize Theron. Holy cow. Someone in Hollywood has been reading TMM!
That's three potential Oscar contenders and one surefire cult classic that he's got in store for 2007. All
in ONE YEAR! 99% of actors don't achieve such success in an entire career, let alone in a mere year.
As always, I'm taking full credit for catapulting Josh's career into the stratosphere where it now hovers.
I'm sure I'll receive the thank you email any day now...
FREE SCREENING: The Number 23
There are still some passes left for the FREE screening of The Number 23. If you're in the Memphis
area (or within driving distance) then CLICK HERE to sign up for a
pass.
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February 2, 2007
REVIEW: Because I Said So
"If you're a sucker for sugar overdose and you swoon over pre-closing credits declarations of love that
inflict moviegoers with lines such as, 'I love that when I breathe you in, you smell like cake batter,'
then go ahead and knock yourself out. Figuratively speaking.
If you're a guy with a girlfriend who wants to see this then I highly recommend making up an excuse RIGHT
NOW. If you get trapped and have no choice but to see it then go ahead and knock yourself out. Literally.
It's the only way you'll make it through. As for me, well, I smell something all right. Unfortunately, it
ain't cake batter."
Johnny reviews Because I Said So, starring
Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore.
REVIEW: The Messengers
"The Messengers ain't steak, folks. It's something you get
from the value menu, at best. It's a 'haunted house' movie that offers an unoriginal and punchless story,
designed specifically to make us jump, the only thing it really does effectively. If you've seen
Boogeyman or Darkness Falls then you've basically
already seen this."
Johnny reviews The Messengers, starring Kristen Stewart,
Dylan McDermott, Penelope Ann Miller, and John Corbett.
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February 1, 2007
Top Five Worst, Most Overused Chick Flick Clichés
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I present to you...
The Five Worst, Most Overused Chick Flick Clichés
Some chick flicks stand head and shoulders above the others in regard to just how bad they are. So I'm
giving you five blatantly overused clichés that you can look for in an effort to quickly determine just how
bad the chick flick you're watching is going to be.
I have no problem admitting that this article was
inspired by the pain I suffered while sitting through Because I Said So.
The article will also help prepare you for tomorrow's
review of said movie.
Read it and I just dare you to disagree with any of my
points.
Opening This Week
Because I Said So - Oh brother. I'll let tomorrow's review do the talking, but
guys; I highly recommend thinking up excuses or making alternate plans RIGHT NOW in case your gal tries to
suggest seeing this one.
The Messengers - An ominous darkness invades a seemingly serene sunflower farm in
North Dakota, and the Solomon family is torn apart by suspicion, mayhem and murder. I plan on screening it
tonight. If all goes according to plan then that means I should have a review for you tomorrow.
I try to keep an open mind whenever I go into supernatural thrillers. Unfortunately, my mind usually ends
up being insulted by the inanity with which it's bombarded, but I usually root for this genre more than
others. We shall see.
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