BREAKING NEWS - JANUARY 2007
January 31, 2007
FREE SCREENING: The Number 23
A poll was taken recently and the respondents were asked what would make February a truly gratifying month
in which to live. The surprising answer? Free passes to a screening of Jim Carrey's The Number 23.
Well, I have gone to great lengths and expense to offer that very thing to you, my dear readers.
Why? Because that's how my unselfishness rolls.
CLICK HERE to sign up for a pass.
When: Tuesday, February 20th
Where: Malco Cordova
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Coming Soon...
Welp, I was gonna dazzle everybody with my hilarious "Top Five Worst, Most Overused Chick Flick Clichés" article,
but alas, I simply don't have time to finish it today. However, I will have that ready for you by
tomorrow.
By Friday you can expect my review of Because I Said So which I have no problem admitting helped
inspire my Top Five list.
Also, all my 2006 awards will be coming soon.
|
January 30, 2007
Upcoming Screening - The Number 23
Good news - I'm in a giving mood yet again. Thanks to Johnny Betts and TMM, all of you fine folks in Memphis, TN
and the surrounding Mid-South area will have the opportunity to see Jim Carrey's upcoming The Number 23
for free and before everyone else.
Unfortunately, I seem to be having some technical difficulties with the sign-up form at the moment.
Check back later today to see if I have the form working. If not then I should surely have things working
by tomorrow morning.
On DVD This Week
There are a TON of new DVD releases this week. The one I have seen and can recommend as a solid rental is
Flyboys. However, the one that really has my attention,
and it's one I hadn't even heard of, is a thriller called Unknown. It's got a very interesting
premise, and the cast is solid.
Check out my DVD preview page for more details.
|
January 29, 2007
A Step Back for Intellect
Despite its 0% ranking on Rottentomatoes, and despite the fact that the movie comes from the same
incompetent hands that delivered Date Movie, Epic
Movie somehow managed to top the box office this weekend.
"The only smart move that the people behind Epic Movie made is they didn't screen it for critics,"
replied legendary movie reviewer and Bad Movie Expert Johnny Betts. "Had they given me the opportunity to
review it then their box office numbers would've been considerably lower. When I speak, people tend to
listen."
Betts noted that there is hope to be found in the fact that Epic Movie did make less in its opening
weekend than its predecessor. He went on to add that the majority of the moviegoers most likely fell in
the 13-14 year old range, an age where kids aren't as judicious with their (or more accurately - daddy's)
money.
"Hey, at that age I was spending my allowance to see Jean-Claude Van Damme movies at the theater ... TWICE,"
Johnny reminisced. "So I allow a little leeway for the indiscretion of youth. And is it just me or is
'reminisced' a very awkward-looking word?"
Adult moviegoers who went to see Epic Movie were asked for their thoughts, but at press time we were
unable to translate their clicks and grunts.
Trust My Intuition, Not Just My Reviews
It's become fairly obvious that I don't even have to watch a movie to accurately judge it. I refused to
attend a screening of Catch and Release last week, and I even warned a co-worker on Friday about it.
He had asked me what was opening, and I told him to get prepared for his wife to suggest this one. I did
my best to raise every red flag that I could.
Unfortunately, his wife didn't listen. "You know that movie you warned me about on Friday?" he asked.
"Catch and Release?" I inquired to make sure we were on the same page. "Yep. Well, you were right -
it was the one my wife wanted to see. And you were right - it was awful. It was all I could do to not get
up and walk out of the theater."
"Well, did your wife like it?" I pondered aloud. "No. Even she thought it was too slow."
And if that wasn't proof enough that my intuition is almost as accurate as my observation, another
co-worker was forced by his wife to go see Blood and Chocolate and was left lamenting that
she didn't heed my advice.
"Have you see An American Werewolf in London?" Rusty asked me. "It was similar to that in production
values but with a weaker story."
Ouch. The good news is that his wife is now a Johnny Betts fan, and perhaps this was a necessary step in
future movie-going decisions.
The moral of the story - if you don't trust your own instincts, then trust mine.
|
January 26, 2007
REVIEW: Smokin' Aces
"The 'Anything with Lots of Bullets and Deaths is AWESOME' Teenage male demographic will likely look past
all of the film's shortcomings and declare it 'pretty sweet.' I, on the other hand, found it to be nothing
more than annoying. Well, I take that back - it was also obnoxious. Sure, there is a wide variety of
'quirky' characters sauntering from scene to scene, but what good are a bunch of caricatures when you can't
stand any of them?"
Johnny reviews Smokin' Aces, starring Ryan Reynolds, Jeremy
Piven, Ray Liotta, and Alicia Keys. I was looking forward to this one. Now I'm looking forward to
forgetting it. Oh wait... already done.
The Movie Mark Comic Strip PSA of the Week
Annoying Movie Review Quote of the Week
You know one of the many things that annoys me? Reviewers who use extremely bad puns in a desperate attempt
to get quoted on a DVD cover. That's just one of the many things that annoys me. Well, I've decided that I'm
going to start referencing the ones that cause me to roll my eyes the most. Maybe, just maybe, we can
shame some of these folks into quitting. Not likely, but it's worth a shot.
Today's quote comes to us courtesy of some publication called Total Film from their review of
Smokin' Aces...
"...you'll find that where there's Smokin', there's fire."
Dude. Seriously? Stop. Just please stop.
|
January 25, 2007
Opening this Week
  
Smokin' Aces - Saw it on Tuesday night, was less than impressed, will post my review
tomorrow. It was neither smokin' nor aces.
Catch and Release - A romantic dramedy starring Jennifer Garner's forehead trying
to rebuild its life after its fiancé dies? It's screening tonight, but I simply can't summon the motivation
to go see it.
Epic Movie - You've gotta be kidding me. Is it any wonder that Fox decided not to
screen this one in Memphis after hearing about my review of Date Movie,
a review described by some as "the most hilariously scathing review in recent memory"? I can't believe the
people responsible for that disaster have been given another chance.
If you're dying for me to review this then you're more than welcome to pay for my ticket. I won't be happy
with the wasted time, but I could be convinced to make the sacrifice. On your dime. Otherwise, the earliest
I'll be able to watch this is on Neverday.
Blood and Chocolate - Why did I think Johnny Depp was in this? Let's see; 20 seconds
of research on IMDb reveals that this is a movie about a teenage werewolf who is torn between her lycanthropic
duties and her desire to be with a human. Huh. I'll let one of y'all handle this one. Get back to me.
The Entertainment Weekly Pop Culture Personality Test
He plays a wisecrackin', witty, sardonic writer on the Internet's The Movie Mark, but the wavy-haired
Johnny Betts is much too modest in real life to bore you with his many accomplishments and quirks.
However, after a little arm-twisting, he agreed to open up and reveal a few random tidbits in EW's personality
test...
1. My Dancing With the Stars number would be:
I'd do the "Running Man" to the Hooters' And We Danced. She was hangin' on Johnny, he was holdin' on
tight. Yeah.
2. The celebrity I'm most often mistaken for:
A young John Cusack. I don't know that anybody actually thinks I'm Cusack and somehow found a way to reverse
the aging process, but that's the comparison I get the most. I've also heard Ryan Gosling, Jesus, David
Arquette, Ben Affleck (sheesh), and Matthew Fox depending on the different states of my hair and
beard.
One woman once made a Josh Brolin comparison, but that was clearly to get free DVDs from me. It's
appreciated all the same.
3. British Office or American Office? South Park or Family
Guy?
American Office and Family Guy. Come on.
4. Select a family: The Keatons, The Conners, The Huxtables, The Seavers.
Easy - the Seavers. But that's because I had a childhood crush on Joanna Kerns, so I'm thinking of this in terms
of being a houseguest rather than an actual member of the family. YOU'RE GOING DOWN JASON! MAGGIE'S MINE!
5. Which actor should play you in your life story?
Do you need to ask? Josh Brolin. Who else can be trusted to capture the essence of Johnny Betts' coolness?
6. Which sequel are you most psyched for: Terminator 4, Die Hard 4, Indiana
Jones 4, Rambo 4.
I'm going with Indiana Jones 4. It's the best series of all of those, so I just have to hope that
Harrison Ford's "old man boobies" don't cause too much of a distraction.
7. The band, past or present, I wish I could've been a member of:
I want to carry the boombox in Jennifer Love Hewitt's entourage. I'd be perfect to have around to make
wisecracks whenever she sang Bare Naked.
8. If the TV is on at 2 a.m., I'm watching:
Something stupid like Blind Date or a really lame movie starring some weird combination of Dean Cain,
Eric Roberts, and Erika Eleniak.
9. The Entourage character I most resemble: Vince, Eric, Turtle,
Drama.
Never seen the show so I don't dare answer. Do any of 'em carry JLH's boombox?
10. What is the best gift you've ever received?
The gift of laughter that I give myself on a daily basis.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Smokin' Aces and a Public Service Announcement in the form of the Movie Mark Comic
Strip.
|
January 24, 2007
Attack of the Hyperbole
I understand that Hollywood has a product to sell, and sometimes in order to sell their overpriced,
under-quality products, the Big H has to engage in a bit of exaggerated sell tactics. One way of doing
that, for example, is through the use of reviewers known as "quote whores." Sorry, but that's what
they're called! If you see a trailer for a new Chris Kattan movie and there's a quote from John Shill at
studioplant.com calling the film a "tour de force," welp, you can rest assured that Mr. Shill enjoyed a
couple of nice dinners and a stay at a fancy hotel on the studio's dime.
But what annoys me the most is inflated press releases directly from the studio. I can understand hyping
the fact that your movie enjoys the participation of Oscar winners and nominees (though bragging about
having the Best Boy Grip from Braveheart may be a bit much), but there are some films that simply
don't warrant the publicity they receive, and the terms with which they are described are tantamount to false
advertisement.
Just about anything debuting on the Sci-Fi Channel would qualify. Let's examine the DVD announcement for
the upcoming Attack of the Gryphon:
A Genuine Sword and Sorcery Epic on DVD April 3 for True Sci-Fi and Fantasy Lovers
All right, now see, we haven't even gotten past the press release's title and we're being misled. That's
like calling the upcoming Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud "A Genuinely Scary and Frightening Epic for True
Horror and Thriller Lovers." No it's not, so quit acting like it is.
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment presents Attack of the Gryphon, a fantasy filled
sword and sorcery epic in the tradition of Lord of the Rings and Excalibur.
Whoa, let me stop you right there. The film's story comes from the screenwriter that gave us
Mammoth and Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep. You think Tolkien would be happy being lumped
in the same category as these stenchfests?
I understand the need to generate interest for your bad movie, but drawing comparisons to genre classics?
Come on. Do we have no standards here? Do words no longer have meaning? Just because Attack of
the Gryphon can be loosely thrown into the fantasy genre gives it a relationship with the upper
echelon of the genre?
O.J. Simpson was a football player, but I don't think anyone would describe him as "following in the
tradition of Tom Landry and Tony Dungy." Some parallels simply should not be drawn.
The rest of the press release is just a boring description of the movie's plot, but let me look at one
more thing:
Attack of the Gryphon stars Amber Benson ("Buffy The Vampire Slayer") and is priced to
own at $24.96 SLP.
Priced to own at $25? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right. Guess what; it's priced to watch for free on the
Sci-Fi Channel in a couple of weeks! But even if it wasn't debuting on TV prior to its DVD release, there's
not even an alternate universe where someone should pay $25 for this floater.
A few weeks after its release, the DVD will be stuck somewhere in the middle of Wal-Mart's huge, unorganized
$5 bin. It'll most likely be wedged between Boa vs. Python and some stupid Eric Roberts movie.
I guess we should thank Hollywood for continuing to teach us valuable lessons about every day life. Today's
moral of the story, kids - you can't always believe what you read.
|
January 23, 2007
REVIEW: Letters from Iwo Jima
"More of a character study than a war movie, Letters from Iwo
Jima succeeds where Flags of Our Fathers fails -
it maintains focus, presents a somewhat engaging story, and boasts solid acting. Granted, the whole movie is in
Japanese, and foreign languages have a way of masking acting deficiencies, but at least I didn't have to sit
through a trilogy of Adam Beach crying scenes."
Johnny reviews Letters from Iwo Jima, starring
Ken Watanabe and a bunch of Japanese actors.
On DVD this Week
There's not much coming out, but I can recommend The Guardian. Check out
my DVD preview page for a few more details.
Dreams
I can't always figure out what in my subconscious inspires certain dreams. Take a dream I had last night,
for example. A friend of mine from California had come into town and was gonna go to a Tigers game with
me. My sister, Amber, wanted to go with us.
So later on I head to my parents' house to pick up my sister and she just starts crying. I ask her what's
wrong and my dad appears out of nowhere and says, "Johnny, Amber has diabetes." It was a totally
cornball, After-School-Special delivery by my dad.
I was thinking about hugging my sister to make her feel better and then all of a sudden Footloose
starts playing in the background.
My mind is weird sometimes.
|
January 22, 2007
Dear America, You're Welcome
Once again, Johnny spoke and America listened. Last weekend's big release was Horror Remake #82 -
The Hitcher. America waited patiently for Johnny's review, and
once it was released it contained nothing but bad news for all involved in the production.
"Who's Johnny Betts? America won't listen to him!" Hollywood shouted. Welp, Hollywood made the mistake of
underestimating the power of my words and size 11 biker boots. How else do you explain the paltry $8 million
it made at the box office?
You saw what happened to Code Name: The Cleaner after I chewed
it up and spat it out. Wanna stop losing so much money, H-wood? Then stop making so many painfully bad
movies. Or hey, go ahead and flush your money down the toilet. I don't care. Come on; give us Town
and Country 2! How about a remake of Jeepers Creepers?? It's been six years. Surely you're
that low on ideas by now.
The Wicker Man - Just Say No
After watching the hilariously bad clip montage
of Nicolas Cage's The Wicker Man I knew I had to watch the entire film. Big mistake. Mr. Shade and I
decided to rent it and make Saturday evening "Bad Movie Night."
Just watch the clip montage and then never
think about the movie again. The clip truly contains the only bad-funny moments from the film. The other
100 minutes are so boring and predictable that you might think you're watching old episodes of The Weather
Channel.
The last time I was that bored I had to finally man-up and tell my grandmother I didn't need to know the
entire process that went into making her famous blueberry pie. "Your blueberry pie's for eating, not
for inspiring stories, grandma."
Rumor has it that she cried for a few days after that, but I still get birthday and Christmas gifts from her
so she must not harbor too much of a grudge.
Oh, Um, About that Iwo Jima Review...
I'm a busy guy. Quit harassing me. I'll have it ready for you by tomorrow.
|
January 19, 2007
REVIEW: The Hitcher
"I'll admit that there are a few effective jump scenes, especially if you're easily scared, but it's all
by-the-book. Yes, we know a hand is about to suddenly appear in the window, but for some reason we all
jump anyway. That sort of thing. Unfortunately, it's hard to feel any real sense of terror or tension
when you're too busy laughing."
Johnny reviews The Hitcher, starring Sean Bean, Sophia Bush,
and Zachary Knighton.
REVIEW: Pan's Labyrinth
"The blending of two different genres - the historic reality of Franco's Spain and the fantasy world - is
certainly an interesting mix, but the fantasy world is presented with so much more imagination and with such
a greater measure of creativity that I didn't want to leave it."
Johnny reviews Pan's Labyrinth, starring Ivana Baquero,
Sergi López, Maribel Verdú, and Doug Jones. I know, I haven't heard of any of them either. But don't let
that deter you.
Where's the Letters from Iwo Jima Review???
Calm down, folks! I'm only human! Expecting me to review three movies in one night (after getting home
late from one of the movies) is a bit much even for ol' super-human Johnny, don't you think? Have a nice
weekend and get ready to enjoy my Letters from Iwo Jima review on Monday.
|
January 18, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Basilisk: The Serpent King
"What were they thinking? This is a movie that demands CGI, yet there's no way it could ever have the
budget to deliver acceptable special effects, so what's even the point? There's a scene early in the
movie where the Basilisk turns a guy into stone. It looks like someone used the spray paint feature from
a computer graphics program and sprayed an image of a guy with a little gray. Yep, it's that bad."
Johnny reviews Basilisk: The Serpent King, starring Jeremy
London and Yancy Butler.
|
January 17, 2007
A Johnny Betts First
I saw Pan's Labyrinth last night, and it was subtitled. I'm seeing Letters from Iwo Jima
tonight and, you guessed it, it's subtitled. This will mark the first time in my life that I will have seen
subtitled movies on consecutive days.
I know this sounds insignificant, and I'm sure y'all could not care any less, but there seemed to be a need
for me to point it out.
That's all. I planned on delivering my Basilisk: The Serpent King review today, but I simply did
not have time. I really don't have time to give you anything of real substance at the moment. I mean, you
can see how desperate I was - going so far as to tell you I've never seen subtitled movies two days in a
row.
Creatively speaking, I think I've actually hit a dry spot on this cold and dreary Wednesday. The
mid-week-following-a-three-day-weekend blahs, if you will. My mind simply won't let me overcome it.
Let me clear my head, shut down the ol' engines, re-focus, and perhaps tomorrow my mind will be an oasis
of hilarity.
I wouldn't bet a house payment on it, but I'd recommend keeping the faith nonetheless.
Johnny Betts Said to Look like "Noah from The Notebook"
Someone told me the other day that I resembled Ryan Gosling from The Notebook. I wonder if it was
because at that moment I was building a white, picket-fenced house for Rachel McAdams? Hmm, could
be.
Anyway, I point this out because my sister likes Noah, and I know this will enrage her. She's already
furious that I've had people compare me to a young John Cusack because now she can no longer like Mr.
Cusack.
Sorry Amber, but this is what happens when you place me last on your MySpace friends list. Not so cute
now, is it?
|
January 16, 2007
Eddie Murphy Wins Golden Globe, Satan Reportedly Feeling "a little chilly"
"Hey Johnny, what did you think of the Golden Globes last night?"
"Nothing. I didn't watch."
It's a response that's greeted with a look that can best be described as a mixture of shock and
horror, as if I just revealed that I was suffering from the Bubonic Plague.
"But you have a movie website!"
Yeah, and you have a pair of pants. Doesn't mean you watch every single fashion show on TLC, now
does it? The Golden Globes are boring. Three hours of a bunch of overpaid phonies reading a bunch
of cue cards, and then congratulating themselves for pretending to be somebody they aren't.
You know what I did? I read the list of winners last night. Took me about two minutes. That's 178
minutes of my life that I saved. And why should I care? Out of the 25 main awards, I have only seen
two of the movies/TV shows from whence the winners came.
Yeehaw, Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy won for Dreamgirls. Welp, I haven't seen
Dreamgirls, I have no plans to see Dreamgirls, I hated Daddy Day Care, and I
couldn't stand Jennifer Hudson when she was on American Idol. So please, explain to me why I
should be impressed that they were given awards they likely don't deserve?
"Oh but you really should see Dreamgirls!"
No, I really shouldn't. What I should really do is help out the less fortunate. I'm sure the
homeless shelter downtown can use my $8 much more than Eddie "I Swear I thought that was a Woman"
Murphy.
And is it just me, or are the movies and mini-series all starting to run together? I can't tell you
the difference between Elizabeth I or The Queen without looking them up. I mean, Helen
Mirren is playing some sort of Queen Elizabeth in each of them, they're both getting tons of
nominations, but neither has anything to do with the other.
Yeah, yeah, one's about the current Queen Elizabeth, and the other is about the 16th century version, but
haven't we seen about 78 movies on the subject? Isn't this all a bit much? Yippee, more movies about
England's queens! Hip hip, hoorah! Hip hip, hoorah!
I'm looking forward to the sequel - Elizabeth II: The Tudor Monarch. Slap a tagline of "Class
is in Session" on this puppy, and I'm there! Otherwise, I've simply got more important things to do than
watch an umpteenth retelling of a historical story that's not all that fascinating in the first place.
Coming this Week
Well, I'll be seeing three screenings this week: Pan's Labyrinth, Letters from Iwo Jima,
and The Hitcher. I'll do my best to review all three. I also watched Basilisk: The Serpent
King, and I'd like to review it. Reports that its special effects are "excellent" and "big screen
quality" were just downright false.
Also, Entertainment Weekly claims there are 25 movies you should see before Oscar night. I'll go through
the list and let you know if I've seen them and whether or not you should indeed see them before the
Oscars. Take my word for it, not EW's.
|
January 12, 2007
The Sci-Fi Report
Hey, who here is ready to feel good about yourself and what you do in life? Well, let's take a look at
what kind of "original" programming the Sci-Fi Channel is offering this weekend. It's bound to make
you feel like a success:
Basilisk: The Serpent King - As a general rule, any movie airing on the
Sci-Fi Channel containing any snake reference in the title will not be worth your time. As another
general rule, any movie debuting on the Sci-Fi Channel starring "the second Griffin from Party of
Five" is starting off behind in the count.
Details on the plot are sketchy, but it has something to do with a mythological snake creature (the
Basilisk, some might call him a serpent king) coming alive and eatin' people. A little (and I do
mean little) research on the movie revealed some people referring to the CGI in the movie as
"excellent."
That does it. I officially accept that as a challenge. As much as I might regret it later, I'm
gonna DVR this one, do the ol' fast forward job, and report back later with a review and observation
on how "excellent" the special effects truly are.
Grendel - This is based on the legend of Beowulf and Grendel. Now, in the
right hands a movie based on Beowulf could be good. Key words - "in the right hands." This is
a Sci-Fi Original and it stars some dude named Chris Bruno. A combination of elements that do not
equate to "the right hands."
Is Chris Bruno the brother of Dylan Bruno (the dude from Numb3rs)? Let's look...
Yep, he is. I'll have to tune in at least to check out a few of the special effects. I'll be
absolutely shocked if the computer generation isn't as obvious as Rosie O'Donnell's sexual
orientation.
Welp, there you have it. Grab your buddies and some pizza and your Saturday is set! Be sure to send
me a thank you email on Sunday. I'd hate to think you're ungrateful.
|
January 11, 2007
Fergie Receives 'Excellence in Spelling Recognition' Award
Fergie, the rough-faced, non-talented former member of the Black-Eyed Peas, received the "Excellence in
Spelling Recognition" Award on Tuesday from the Society To Understand Pathetic and Insipid Divas
(STUPID) for bringing awareness to spelling via her current (and inexplicably popular) hit song
Fergalicious.
"We are proud to present this award to an artist who is clearly not afraid to spell out words in
her songs," said STUPID's founder and President, William Asner. "Thanks to the song, kids all across
America now know how to spell 'Fergie,' 'tasty,' and 'delicious.'"
Reminded that "tasty" was misspelled as "tastey" in the song, Asner responded, "Well, we are aware of
that, but we do allow for artistic license. The main thing is she's bringing attention to the
importance of spelling."
Teachers seem less impressed. One elementary school teacher, speaking under the condition of
anonymity, expressed concern over the effect this will have on spelling bees. "Students now
add 'to the' when transitioning from one letter to the next," she said. "It's annoying. When
asked to spell 'receipt' just spell the word! We don't need to hear 'R to the E to the C...'
etc."
Asner was vague when asked what type of grammatical effect lyrics such as "I be up in the gym" might
have on children, simply responding, "This is just about spelling. She's not being honored for
sentence structure or correct verb usage."
American hero and cultural icon, Johnny Betts, was not at all reserved when reached for his thoughts.
"I think it's retarded," he replied. "R to the E to the T A R D E D. Retarded. Wake me up when her
15 minutes are over, please."
Rambo Revisited, The Meshing of Hollywood and Reality
I've been on a Sylvester Stallone kick recently. A few weeks ago I watched the original Rocky
for the first time in years, and having enjoyed it so much, I recorded First Blood when it came
on the other night.
I hadn't seen it in years, but I remembered loving it as a kid. Released in 1982, it was probably about
five or six years after that when I was able to catch it on TV - putting me at about 12, 13 years old.
Well, I watched it last night and all the memories of why I loved it came flooding back.
The scene at the beginning where Rambo goes crazy at the police station, punches out all the officers,
throws a couple of 'em through the windows, and jumps on the motorcycle outside? Yep, I thought that
was pretty much the most awesome scene in cinematic history at the time.
Granted, it didn't do me any favors when I emulated part of that scene one day in an attempt to
escape punishment. I don't remember why I was in trouble, but having just watched First Blood
I was feeling more than a little rebellious. I heard my dad's belt jingling on the closet doorknob
(always the sign that it was time to go put on two pairs of jeans). Well, rather than adorn extra
clothing, I decided to make a run for it.
I was in the kitchen, and as soon as my dad came through the door I did a Rambo-esque running slide on
the vinyl floor, tripping my dad and giving me just enough time to burst out the front door.
I ran out into the street and, to my luck, here came little Billy Wright, riding his bicycle towards
me. I did the Rambo stutter step and threw Billy off his bike, hopped on, and raced down the street
and into the woods near our house.
It took the better part of the afternoon to flush me out of the woods, and the end result was another
shining example of how Hollywood and reality don't always mesh, but it sure was a nice adrenaline
rush.
Anyway, as a whole, the movie still thoroughly entertained me, all these years later. But I'm not sure
how the sequels stand up. It's been years since I've seen them as well, and I really don't remember
much except they got progressively more ridiculous. Rambo waging war as a one-man-army against a small,
hick town sheriff? That, I can buy.
Rambo taking on all of Afghanistan by himself? Eh. Not so sure about that one. I'll report back when
I've had a chance to re-watch 'em and let you know what I think.
|
January 10, 2007
On DVD This Week
There are quite a few DVD releases this week. I haven't seen most of them, but that doesn't mean I
don't have an opinion. Check out my DVD Preview for more
info.
I HAVE to Watch Wicker Man Now
Wow, I never realized that Nicolas Cage's Wicker Man was THIS bad!
Click here to watch a 2+ minute
montage of some of the movie's most laughable scenes. Warning - there's one usage of G-d**n near
the end of the clip and a couple of the scenes may contain spoilers (not that anything will truly
be spoiled in a movie like this).
How in the world was this not a Sci-Fi Original? Come on, who didn't die laughing when Cage sidekicked
that chick into the wall and she delivered one of the all-time worst "knocked out head bobs"? Nicolas
Cage wearing a bear suit and punching a woman in the face? HUH?!?!
Man, I have to get the gang together and watch this now. It could be the funniest movie of 2006!
Good for lovers of bad cinema, bad for the people who were trying to make this a thriller.
The Sonic Commercials Revisited
Apparently I'm not alone in my disdain for the stupid Sonic commercials! Thanks to those of you who
echoed my sentiments. I'm going to send an email to "America's Drive-in" and let them know that I'm
"America's Movie Reviewer," and inform them of how much America dislikes the commercials. I might offer
a few ideas of my own.
I'm thinking their response should be funny material for TMM.
Coming Soon
Stay tuned because it won't be long before I'll name my Best and Worst of 2006 lists along with the
nominees for this year's Golden Brolins. If I can overcome my laziness then I'll give you readers the
chance to vote on what you think should win.
Also, I plan on making a few unique movie predictions for 2007.
|
January 9, 2007
Johnny Receives Subscription to Entertainment Weekly, Has No Idea Where it Came From
Internet mogul, and all-around heart-throb and lovable guy, Johnny Betts, checked his mailbox yesterday
and mixed within the thousands of letters from adoring fans (AKA debt collectors) was the January 12th
issue of Entertainment Weekly. It was addressed to him, so he immediately dismissed the idea that this
was a postal error.
"I have no idea why I received this," said Johnny amidst the backdrop of screaming fans. "I didn't
pay for the subscription, so I have three theories: 1) an adoring fan anonymously bought me a
subscription, hoping this would help me in my endeavors; 2) the folks at EW are huge fans of mine and
wanted to give me a free subscription to show their appreciation; 3) somebody stole my credit card
number, bought something at Best Buy, and agreed to the 'free' magazine subscription they always
offer. I guess I better check my current credit card statement."
Johnny eloquently indicated that if a fan did get him the subscription as a gift then he sincerely
appreciates it. He hopes said fan will let him know so he can give him or her the appreciation he or
she deserves.
Entertainment Weekly couldn't be reached for comment.
Do the Impossible
Greatness isn't the ability to do the things you're supposed to do. The things of which you're capable.
Greatness is achieving what you're told you don't have the ability to. You want to be great? Prove
somebody wrong. Prove yourself wrong. The biggest obstacle between you and the greatness you desire
is your own laziness.
Why do you think we're subject to movies that afflict us with such unfunny quips as "Blambo"? It's
laziness. It's an example of how some people desire a paycheck more than greatness. If you're working
for nothing more than rent then enjoy the critical and commercial failure that will follow! Work
for greatness, and yeah, you'll have to work harder than the next guy, but do you really want to be the
guy who attempts to justify why you thought Cedric the non(entertainer) making karate sounds would be
funny?
Opening this Week
   
Alpha Dog - Let's see, a movie starring Justin Timberlake as some sort of
wannabe gangster? I'm tempted to say this should be called Alpha Dog Poop instead. But I'm too
mature for that, right? Don't answer.
It's based on the true story of "Jesse James Hollywood" (not his birth name, I assume). It screens tonight,
but I just can't summon the desire to see it and waste time reviewing it. I'll be too busy at the gym
sculpting my abs.
Stomp the Yard - How many movies about street dancing that I'll never care to see
can there be???
Primeval - It's a horror movie about a serial killer crocodile that has been given
a rushed January release. You do the math.
Arthur and the Invisibles - A movie about a 10-year-old boy and a fabled land.
I'm sure some kids will enjoy it, but I have a feeling this falls outside of my demographic.
Sonic Commercials
Does anybody else hate the Sonic commercials as much as I do? The ones with the two dudes engaging in
completely unfunny exchanges were bad enough, but the new ones with the girl and the guy might be even
worse. I hate the latest where the girl is talking about Sonic's "Smoothie" and the dude keeps calling
it a "roughie" like he's all tough and cool.
"Look at me! I'm a stud who's too cool for school and who is definitely too cool to say 'smoothie.' I shall
say 'roughie' and everyone will love me and make me a cultural icon!"
Actually, I now refuse to buy a Sonic smoothie because of how much I hate the commercial. It makes me
want to punch something. God's grace upon anybody who uses the term "roughie" in my presence.
|
January 8, 2007
Johnny Spoke, America Listened
Maybe there's hope after all. I wrote a scathing review of the painfully unfunny, non-entertaining
Code Name: The Cleaner, America read it, and
America stayed away, giving the movie a meager weekend take of $4.6 million and an 11th place finish.
This moves me one step closer to my goal of vanquishing Cedric the (non)Entertainer's "leading man"
status.
Johnny Betts - saving the world one review at a time.
And for those of you who firmly believe that Cedric can be funny outside of his movies - I saw him on
Conan the other night and he wasn't the least bit funny. Hearing the awkward and forced laughter from
the audience made the entire interview quite uncomfortable to watch. It reminded me of the moist-eyed
days of my youth when I'd try to be funny in front of girls and they'd politely laugh while simultaneously
thinking of an excuse to remove themselves from the situation.
At least our younger, awkward days of discovery gave us something upon which we could grow. Pain can be a
valuable component of the development process. Algebra Annie may not think you're very funny, but perhaps
your hilarity will always brighten Biology Beth's day. Count your losses, but count your gains more
enthusiastically.
The important thing is to remember that you're not a failure until you quit. You haven't succeeded at
something yet? That just means you haven't figured out the formula.
But there is a time when a person has to accept failure and move on. Hollywood, when will you be willing
to learn this lesson?
TMM - More than Just Movies
Recently, a friend tried to be cute and accuse me of writing about my new wallet because I couldn't think of
anything else to say. Now I understand that many of you readers (about 4 out of the 7 of you) constantly
check the site for free movie passes, free t-shirts, etc. That's fine. Makin' people happy is what I
do.
But sometimes you dear readers need a little more substance than a free Timeline bookmark. Oh, the
bulk of the site will still focus on entertainment and pop culture, but remember - TMM's mission is
just like my new wallet - it's trifold. Entertain, educate, enlighten.
I'll do that in whatever way I have to, and if it involves a discussion of the strong symbolism of purchasing
a new wallet in the New Year then so be it.
Remember, folks - a new year can lead to new beginnings. But more importantly, a new day can lead to
new beginnings. Don't make New Year's resolutions; they'll only lead to disappointment. Make "New Day's"
resolutions.
We live in a "goldfish attention span" society. If I ask you in December what movies you watched in January
will you instantly remember? Not likely. Nor will you still be running 5 miles a day. And man, you did so
well from January 1 - 6!
Try not to fret about what you're going to be doing or where you'll be on December 8, 2007. Start focusing
on what needs to be done on January 8, 2007. Don't get me wrong - long-term goals are essential. But they
can only be completed one day at a time. Show me somebody who accomplished a one-year project in one-day
and I'll show you a product I wouldn't risk my money or faith on.
What needs to be done today to accomplish tomorrow's task? Everybody's so worried about the future. I say
concentrate on what makes the present so great. Every day's an adventure if that's what you make it. Every
day's a disaster if that's what you accept.
Nobody else is responsible for what you've failed to do. You know what blame is? It's the inability to
accept your own failure at utilizing your full ability. Feel free to print that out and put it on your
monitor to remind you daily that you're responsible for creating your own opportunity. Here, I'll make it
easy for you:
"Blame is the inability to accept your own failure at utilizing your full ability." - Johnny Betts
Copy, paste, print. You're welcome.
Obstacles are not excuses; they're elements of growth. Rungs on the ladder. "But I keep getting hit! I
think it'd be easier to stay down." Did you not learn anything from Rocky, man? Of course it's easier to
stay down.
That's why it's easier to fail than it is to succeed. But the value of a man is measured in his
effort. Worth is effort. Sit on the sidelines and watch everybody else achieve what you covet. Or go
out and become the person you once envied.
Do you think somebody handed me The Movie Mark and said, "Here you go, Johnny! The work's been done. All
you have to do is follow a simple formula and maintain it." No. It has taken three years to get TMM to
its current status. I assure you that finding 7 loyal readers didn't happen overnight.
So go forth, dear readers, and make a difference. If not in the world then in the world around you. Changing
one person's life might not change the world, but it makes a world of difference. That old woman who is having
trouble putting on her coat? Give her a hand. The kid in front of you at the checkout who's a dollar short?
Reach into your wallet.
There's never an excuse for not doing the right thing. Sure, none of this will make the 10:00 news or the
front page of tomorrow's newspaper, but you did more for that person at that moment than any politician or
world leader. Think of it this way if you want - God sees what the media doesn't.
Never underestimate the significance of your seemingly insignificant acts. Make a sacrifice, no matter how small,
today. Somebody will be glad you did.
Just ask somebody who didn't go see Code Name:
The Cleaner because of my review.
Enjoy the philosophy while it lasts because I'm sure things around here will get real silly real soon.
|
January 5, 2007
REVIEW: Code Name: The Cleaner
"I'll be perfectly honest with you - I've never much cared for Cedric the (non)Entertainer. The man makes his
living by appearing in one 'Worst of [fill in year]' contender after another. And I didn't expect anything
different from a movie called Code Name: The Cleaner.
But against our better judgment, Mr. Shade and I decided to go check it out just to see how bad it was. And you
know what?"
Johnny reviews Code Name: The Cleaner, starring
Cedric the (non)Entertainer, Lucy Liu, Nicollette Sheridan, and Will Patton
Just how bad is it? It gets the Movie Mark's official 
seal of disapproval.
|
January 4, 2007
Trailer Reviews
I was checking out some trailers of upcoming movies. Here are my impressions.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The trailer serves as nothing more
than a showcase for some of the special effects involving the Silver Surfer. Any G.I. Joe fans out there?
The Silver Surfer basically looks like a naked Destro.
Rumor has it that Cobra Commander came up with the idea of the Silver Surfer when he caught Destro surfing
in the nude one day.
Well, maybe not, but it's funny.
Epic Movie - NOOOOOOOOO! WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?!?! I can't believe this. Jason Friedberg
and Aaron Seltzer, the 'rons who afflicted us with Date Movie
(quite possibly the worst movie of 2006), have been allowed to make another "parody" movie. And it looks almost
as bad as their previous celluloid vomit.
This time around they're attempting to poke fun of Pirates, Narnia, Snakes on a Plane, Superman, X-Men, Willy
Wonka, Harry Potter, etc. See, their idea of humor is renaming Narnia "Gnarnia." Like "gnarly," get it? Yeah,
not funny.
How was this allowed to happen? I have not met a single person who claimed to like
Date Movie! I'm sick to my stomach.
Hollywood is pooping this out on January 26th. Combining this with Code Name: The Cleaner (which I saw
last night and hated just as expected), January of 2007 could possibly be the worst month for movies of all time.
What a great start. One month in and I can guarantee you we already have two certain entries in this year's
"worst of" list.
Hollywood's doomed.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Basically another teaser. It shows us
absolutely nothing we haven't seen in the previous entries. I can't help but laugh at the scene where Potter
tries his pubescent best to display what I'm guessing is anger and *ahem* yells, "I'm not weak!"
Oh yeah? Have you ever looked at your upper body, dude? You're weak.
The Number 23 - Jim Carrey in a straight-forward thriller? It's true. The trailer
doesn't even give a hint of humor. The story revolves around Carrey's obsession with a book that
appears to be based on his life but ends with a murder that has yet to happen in real life.
The book is called The Number 23 and for some reason the number 23 keeps reoccurring in his life. He met
his wife on September 14 ... 9/14 ... 9 + 14 = 23. He was born on April 19 ... 4/19 ... 4 + 19 = 23. The
trailer consists of Carrey and Virginia Madsen figuring out every way imaginable to add numbers and get 23.
They overdo it a tad bit when some professor mentions how 2 divided by 3 is .666 - the number of the devil.
Huh? How is that relevant to anything? I ate two pieces of chicken and had three glasses of water the other
day *GASP* 23!!!! Come on; let's not stretch things too much here.
Oh well, I must admit I'm intrigued to find out what the big mystery is. I think it's a clue regarding what's
really happening on Lost.
|
January 3, 2007
FREE SCREENING: The Hitcher
A survey was recently taken and the respondents were asked what they thought would be the best way to get
2007 started on the right note. You know what the overwhelming response was? A new wallet. You know what
came in a close second? Free passes to a screening of The Hitcher.
Folks, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. That's why I don't try. I just make it up without
thinking.
CLICK HERE to sign up for a pass.
When: Thursday, January 18th
Where: Malco Paradiso
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
On DVD this Week
There's really not much hitting the shelves this week. Chances are a lot of you aren't really dying to
see Snakes on a Plane. It kind of has a specific
audience. Check out my DVD preview page if you need a few more
details.
New Wallet Satisfaction
Why does buying a new wallet provide such a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction? Guys, you know what
I'm talking about. And ladies, I'm sure you feel the same way when you buy a new purse. It's more than just
a new item to contain stuff - it's symbolic of shedding your life of unnecessary distractions and
filling it with the essentials.
The bulk of my Christmas money is going toward a sweet suede blazer that I'm waiting for J.C. Penney to get
back in stock, but I made the monumental decision that a little of the cashola could go to a new wallet. You
see, the wallet I was using had basically been reduced to leather shreds. Somebody once asked me why I had a
leather g-string in my back pocket and I had to explain it was my wallet.
Whenever I'd open it, there was always the precarious threat of all my cards (credit, Blockbuster, library,
bank, you name it) falling out like the contents of a sitcom/cartoon closet. Something simply had to be
done.
The new wallet search started on a good note when I found a $25 Docker's wallet at Gordman's for a mere $9.99.
Throw in the fact that it came with a little leather business card/ID holder and I had a 15% off coupon and
2007 really couldn't have gotten off to a better start. As sad as it may be for me to admit that.
But the true joy came when I transferred the necessities from my old 5-pound wallet and left the baggage behind.
A Best Buy receipt from 2005? Yep, probably not gonna be returning that item. No need for that to make the
wallet transfer. Hmmm, do I really need this Quiznos frequent guest card? I've only received one out of the
necessary 10 punches for a 1/2 price sandwich, and it's probably been two years since I've been to Quiznos. I'm
thinking it can stay behind as well.
OK, seriously, why do I still have my ticket to the Universal Studios Spider-Man show from about three years
ago? Sure, it has a crude drawing of Spider-Man on it, but I think my dreams of selling it on Ebay as a
"collector's item" have gone the way of Tom Cruise's employment with Paramount Studios.
Oh look, it's my car insurance card from 2004. Trying to act like it has sentimental value is just ridiculous,
so I'm afraid it's also gonna have to go out with the old.
If you're suffering from a little wallet deterioration yourself then I highly recommend that you start this year
off right by getting a new one. It'll likely be about 1/4th the size of your old one and you'll no longer tilt
to one side and be forced to explain why you walk with a "limp." As silly as it may sound, it truly does offer
a fresh new beginning.
|
January 2, 2007
Opening this Week
 
Freedom Writers - Hilary Swank ventures into original, cutting-edge,
envelope-pushin', never-before-seen, avant-garde territory as a teacher who uses writing to mold and shape the
minds of delinquent, inner-city students who previously didn't care about school. Unofficial remake
of Dangerous Minds, anybody?
Happily N'Ever After - An alliance of evil-doers want to take over Fairy Tale Land.
I've N'Ever heard of it. An animated movie by Lions Gate? This should be ... interesting.
Code Name: The Cleaner - Hello 2007, welcome to the first entry on your "Worst of"
list.
Upcoming Bad Movies
Have you seen the commercial for the upcoming Primeval, starring Lincoln from Prison Break? I
must admit that I was initially intrigued by all the references to the Zodiac Killer, Jack the Ripper, and
other unsolved serial killer cases.
And then I did a little more research.
Turns out this is a story (inspired by true events - uh-huh) about a 25-foot killer crocodile. That's right;
a crocodile is viewed as a serial killer in the movie.
*stares blankly at screen and lets out a Tim Allen huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?*
If this is any judge then it's gonna be a looooooooong year at the movies.
How is it possible that Hollywood has failed to make a single quality killer crocodile/alligator movie?
Expect this to follow suit.
No Thanks, Sirius
I was looking at this week's Circuit City ad, and one deal in particular caught my eye. Folks, if you buy
a Sirius receiver then you will get a free copy of Artie Lange's Beer League DVD! Um, is Sirius trying
to keep me from buying their product? This is what passes as incentive these days?
Unbelievable.
I would make a cute comment like, "They can't be SERIOUS!" but I'm trying to start 2007 on a non-lame note.
I failed? Ah well. Maybe next year.
|
|
