BREAKING NEWS - JANUARY 2008
January 31, 2008
Opening this Week
THE EYE
Director: David Moreau, Xavier Palud
Stars: Jessica Alba, Alessandro Nivola, and Parker Posey
Rated: PG-13 (for violence/terror and disturbing content)
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Tagline: How can you believe your eyes when they're not yours?
Length: 97 minutes
Website: The Eye
Studio: Lionsgate
The Plot: Jessica Alba receives an eye transplant that allows her to see into the supernatural world, but unfortunately it does not help her overcome
her inability to act.
Johnny's Take: Does anybody remember the 1991 film Body Parts? No? Don't blame you. Well, the movie was as ridiculous as its premise sounded -
a dude gets an arm transplant, but unfortunately he receives an executed killer's arm. Of course, the arm is possessed and cannot be controlled. The Eye doesn't sound much
more sensical, now does it?
"Is 'sensical' a word, Johnny?"
No, but neither was "ginormous" until pop culture forced Merriam Webster to cave in and include it. However, "nonsensical" is a word, so it only makes sense that for something
to be "nonsensical" then its counterpart should be "sensical," right?
"Wow, that's a very sensical point, Johnny."
Thanks. I am quite the wordsmith.
Anyway, to no one's surprise, this one wasn't screened in Memphis. I watched the trailer and (are you sitting down?) I'll eat a June bug before I pay to see this at the theater.
"Why a June bug, Johnny?"
Why not, reader?
"Touche."
I wasn't overly impressed with the Japanese film of which this is a remake, so why should I expect better from an Americanized version starring Jessica "Personality Vacuum" Alba?
The gal is easy on the eyes, but she gives Josh Hartnett a run for his money in the Lack of Emotion Department, a department that I pledge to eliminate should you vote for me for
president.
Well, I'm too young to run this year, but I'll be ready by 2012, so how about we get the "Johnny Betts for President" grassroots movement underway right now?
OVER HER DEAD BODY
Director: Jeff Lowell
Stars: Eva Longoria Parker, Paul Rudd, and Lake Bell
Rated: PG-13 (for sexual content and language)
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Tagline: Just because she's passed on... Doesn't mean she's moving on.
Length: 95 minutes
Website: Over Her Dead Body
Studio: New Line Cinema
The Plot: A ghost (Longoria) tries to sabotage the fledgling relationship between her old flame (Rudd) and his new, psychic girlfriend (Bell).
Johnny's Take: You'll have to forgive me if I refuse to summon an iota of excitement for a movie that's written and directed by a guy whose biggest career
achievement is writing the script for John Tucker Must Die. Yep, that'll send me sprinting toward the front of the ticket line.
Now, the easy joke here is "I'll pay to see this over MY dead body," but I should probably watch the trailer first before being so lame. So allow me to do that...
*Johnny watches trailer*
Well. That's two minutes of my life I'll never get back. Eva Longoria does absolutely nothing for me, but Paul Rudd is usually pretty funny, so I thought this had a glimmer of hope
of being halfway decent. The trailer has removed said hope. I failed to crack a smile. Since this one wasn't screened for critics, I'll just wait and catch it at 2:00 AM once it's
in TNT's regular rotation. Scratch that. I'll DVR and fast forward until I get fed up and finally decide to get intimate with the "delete" button.
STRANGE WILDERNESS
Director: Fred Wolf
Stars: Steve Zahn, Allen Covert, and Justin Long
Rated: R (for non-stop language, drug use, crude and sexual humor)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: This ain't March of the Penguins.
Length: minutes
Website: Strange Wilderness
Studio: Paramount Pictures
The Plot: The two stars of a struggling animal adventure show look to give their ratings a boost by scoring footage of Bigfoot in the wild.
Johnny's Take: This week's third biggest theatrical release, and like the other two releases it wasn't screened. Just watched the trailer and I understand
why. It looks, um, strange. It might be decent for a few throwaway laughs, but I can certainly do without seeing Jonah "Please Compare Me to Chris Farley" Hill wearing a pink thong.
Ugh.
Steve Zahn's skilled in elevating himself above the material he has to work with, but I'd say we have another "wait for late night cable" movie on our hands. Hey, considering this
is another Happy Madison production, at least all of Adam Sandler's non-famous friends get to eat for a few more weeks.
On DVD This Week
Nicole Kidman's remake of The Invasion. The arcade documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. Daddy Day Camp. I haven't seen any of the three, so I can offer
no suggestions other than if you rent Daddy Day Camp then you seriously need to enroll in "How to Judge a Movie by Its Premise" school. I have heard The King of Kong: A Fistful of
Quarters is pretty good. How about you rent it and then let me borrow it? Then I'll do a review of it. Thanks. Hey, I know I have some Hollywood Video and Blockbuster employees
who are big fans of the site.
Any chance y'all can hook a brother up with free movie rentals? I know you get free rentals yourself, so I wouldn't think it'd be too hard to filter that along to ol' Johnny. If any of
you are willing to do this then maybe we can discuss the possibility of you contributing to TMM. I'd love a section where video store employees share horror stories of dealing with
idiotic customers.
Send me an email.
On The Sci-Fi Channel This Weekend
Oh great Sci-Fi Channel, what movie are you pooping on us this weekend? Let's take a look...
Scorcher. Well, this isn't a Sci-Fi Original, but it's getting its Sci-Fi premiere this weekend - six years after its initial release. It stars John Rhys-Davies and Rutger Hauer
and already has a long track record of people saying it blows major chunks. Big surprise. Apparently a nuclear accident threatens Earth with volcanic destruction. Yeah, and the Sci-Fi Channel
threatens viewers with artistic destruction.
Oh, and I have a theory that the Sci-Fi Channel has ripped me off! I was looking at some of their future "Originals" and on the surface, it looks like there is one in which they combined
two Movie Mark Originals, changed stuff around a little, and failed to give me proper credit (or money). I'll flesh out this theory later...
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January 30, 2008
The Movie Mark Extended Through 2013
A wise man once stated, "If breakfast is the most important meal of the day and laughter is truly the best medicine then make The Movie Mark your 'website breakfast' and marvel at the
bolstering of your immune system." That wise man has since been institutionalized and now fritters away his days with conspiracies about how the "Hollywood machine" is keeping
Jan-Michael Vincent down. I'll always love Uncle Larry though.
The Internet world was rocked this morning when millions (7 or 8) of readers tried to access the wildly popular The Movie Mark only to discover that rather than being fed their
daily dose of witty repartee and dead-on observations of Hollywood and pop culture they were served a fat, bitter serving of "parked Godaddy page." His phone ringing off the hook with
calls of concern, comedic genius and movie-reviewing legend Johnny Betts immediately jumped into action to solve the problem. Unable to access Godaddy's webpage at work, Betts called on
his longtime friend Guy W. to renew the domain name and get TMM back in business.
Betts renewed his contract for five years, ensuring that TMM will survive in some form through at least 2013. "I wanted to show my readers that TMM is here to stay," said the
muscular-armed Betts. "I've been renewing the domain on a year-by-year basis, telling myself that I didn't want to presume what the future held. But Josh Brolin's 2007 meteoric
rise to the top of Hollywood proved just how powerful I am. It showed what exactly TMM can accomplish. I now have a 5-year window within which to strategically plan where we go from
here."
Betts admitted that he needed to finally push away lingering thoughts of retirement. "Burn-out has always been a concern. There are days when I simply don't feel like doing this
anymore. There are moments when I want to hang the hat, put away the guns, and ride off slowly and quietly into the sunset. But I know how important the site is to moviegoers of
all genders, races, and creeds. It is radically changing peoples' lives on a daily basis, and that's simply something I can't ignore or give up."
Though Betts could not provide a single example of his site changing anybody's life, he insisted some things aren't meant to be questioned. "Whatever," replied the wavy-haired dispenser
of humor, "I'd rather burn out brightly than fade away. It might be hard to kick the door down wearing $90 biker boots, but it isn't impossible. It's time to make a little more noise,
kick a little more rump, and punch a couple of more brains, don't you think?"
None of Johnny's seven readers could be reached for comment.
First Look at Josh Brolin as Dan White
Wanna see what Josh Brolin looks like as Dan 'Twinkie Defense Killer' White in Gus van Sant's upcoming Milk? Click
here. The resemblance is quite eerie. A video accompanies the site.
Reader Review: Untraceable
Longtime reader and rabid Movie Mark fan Ariel A. sent in his thoughts regarding Diane Lane's Untraceable:
I actually saw this on Friday. Here is what I thought about it.
As far as the thriller part goes, it was very good - kept you trying to guess what the next move was and who was going to be the next victim. If you like scary or gory movies, the
clever way that the killer set the victims up and how a guy that looks like him got some of the people in a basement, it was very creative. When it came down to computer tech; it was
very close to real computer stuff. The 'IP address changes' part was a little bizarre because it was changing like every 30 sec but in real Internet life that on its own would have
shut the site down a couple of times. But according to the movie that is what helped the site stay up every time the cops try to shut it down.
But it was a very entertaining movie after all. It is worth going to the movies and actually seeing it on the big screen just for some of the dark scenes in it. I won't tell you more
about the end of the movie just in case you want to see it, LOL.
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January 29, 2008
The State of Hollywood
Is anybody really all that excited about this year's slate of movies? I'm not. A quick perusal of the 2008 release schedule reveals three movies that I'd actually pay to see at the
theater:
The Dark Knight
Prince Caspian
Indiana Jones 4
That's it; and I'm only cautiously optimistic about Indy. Come on, Harrison Ford is 107 years old, after all. Week after week we're offered a lineup of films that I'd flip past
if I were sitting at home desperately looking for something on TV worth watching. Is anybody really excited about Jessica Alba remaking a Japanese horror film? She receives an
eye transplant. She is then able to see supernatural stuff. Huh.
And who's already made Valentine's plans to see Step Up 2 the Streets? Come on, fellas, you better pre-purchase those things before they're all gone! How in the world is the
title not Step Up 2 Da Streets? I thought replacing "the" with "da" in a movie such as this was standard.
I think I need to write up a few previews of the various studios' release schedules and give closer examination to what 2008 has to offer. Perhaps a few trailers will assuage the doubt
instilled by lame-sounding plot summaries. Or the trailers might just confirm my suspicions. I'll get back to ya.
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January 28, 2008
Josh Brolin, No Country For Old Men, and the SAG Awards
Staking its claim as the Oscar front-runner, Josh Brolin's No Country For Old Men kicked major rumpage at the Screen Actors
Guild Awards ceremony on Sunday. Along with the top prize for Film of the Year, Brolin's showcase also racked up awards for Best Director, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Ensemble
Cast.
Accepting the Ensemble Cast award, Brolin joked about how co-star Javier Bardem had already won 497 awards and it was really sad for the rest of the cast. Commenting on the writer's
strike, he added, "the studio system is backfiring awfully, and it's fun for us actors!" He also doffed the proverbial cap to the Coens, "The Coen brothers are freaky little people and
we did a freaky little movie, whether you liked the ending or not," he said.
Finally, and most importantly, Josh then thanked long-time fan and supporter Johnny Betts, adding that, "This wouldn't have been possible without the pure genius behind the masterpiece
known as The Movie Mark."
The crowd then erupted into an impromptu 'The Kid sucks' chant as Brolin moonwalked off the stage and fired mock Colt pistols into the air.
Ty Miller could not be reached for comment. Mainly because he can't afford a cell phone.
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January 25, 2008
Opening this Week
UNTRACEABLE
Director: Gregory Hoblit
Stars: Diane Lane, Colin Hanks, and Joseph Cross
Rated: R (for grisly violence and torture, and some language)
Genre: Crime/Thriller
Tagline: A cyber killer has finally found the perfect accomplice: You.
Length: 100 minutes
Website: Untraceable
Studio: Screen Gems
The Plot: FBI agent Jennifer Marsh (Lane) is tasked with hunting down a seemingly untraceable serial killer who posts live videos of his victims on the
Internet. As time runs out, the cat and mouse chase becomes more personal.
Johnny's Take: The Bad News: this is a film dealing with computers and the Internet. I trust Hollywood with computer accuracy about as much as I trust Michael
Moore to keep the facts straight in a documentary. Cinematic atrocities such as The Net and FeardotCom immediately come to mind. Ah, The Net - a film that strongly
desired to force all of us to recoil in fear at the horrors of how hackers would destroy all our lives but only managed to send computer-literate viewers into apoplectic fits of laughter
at the ridiculousness of it all.
The Good News: Behind every dark cloud of buck-makin' ignorance lies a lining of silver waiting to shine through. Director Gregory Hoblit has a good track record (Primal Fear,
Fallen, Frequency, Fracture), and Diane Lane is pretty dependable. Yes, normally we'd see Sandra Bullock (whom I do adore)
or Ashley Judd attached to this, but the fact that we don't has to score it a few points.
The trailer looks decent enough, and some non-stuffed-shirt-critic early reviews declare that it ain't too shabby. I'm a sucker for thrillers of most kinds, so I definitely wanna check it out. However, I'll be
waiting for DVD or the $2.50 theater, but feel free to send me your thoughts if you go see it.
RAMBO
Director: Sylvester Stallone
Stars: Sylvester Stallone and Julie Benz
Rated: R (for strong graphic bloody violence, sexual assaults, grisly images and language)
Genre: Action
Tagline: Heroes never die.... They just reload.
Length: 90 minutes
Website: Rambo
Studio: Lionsgate Films
The Plot: In Thailand, John Rambo (Stallone) assembles a group of mercenaries and leads them up the Salween River to a Burmese village where a
group of Christian aid workers allegedly went missing.
Johnny's Take: It's Rambo. That's about all you need to know. Stallone was recently successful at breathing new life into the Rocky series,
so who's to say he can't do the same here? Man, did you see that first unofficial "not approved for all audiences" trailer? It indicates this is gonna be wall-to-wall
action with the blood of a bevy of baddies spilled all over the place. Sometimes that's all ya need for a little movie matinee magic.
HOW SHE MOVE
Director: Ian Iqbal Rashid
Stars: Rutina Wesley, Tre Armstrong, and Brennan Gademans
Rated: PG-13 (for some drug content, suggestive material and language)
Genre: Drama
Tagline: Set your dreams in motion.
Length: 90 minutes
Studio: Paramount Vantage
The Plot: A family tragedy forces a young student to drop out of her private school and return to her old neighborhood, where she eventually
rediscovers her love of step dancing.
Johnny's Take: Just what we needed - another movie about the fine art of step dancing. There was a screening the other night, and I did a little thing
I like to refer to as skipping it. Look at the cast. I've seen more recognizable names in an Iraqi phone book. And if they can't use proper grammar in the title then I can't
summon the desire to hand them my money or time. If this does well at the box office then I'm gonna push my script for How Business Get Did.
It's a heart-warming tale about how after a family tragedy a young business student drops out of school, returns to the rough streets of his old neighborhood, and eventually
rediscovers his love for selling serial number-less guns on the black market.
MEET THE SPARTANS
Director: Jason Friedberg Aaron Seltzer
Stars: Sean Maguire, Kevin Sorbo, and Carmen Electra
Rated: PG-13 (for crude and sexual content throughout, language and some comic violence)
Genre: Supposed "Comedy"
Tagline: The Bigger the Hit, The Harder They Fall
Length: 84 minutes
Website: Meet the Spartans
Studio: 20th Century Fox
The Plot: A parody of the movie 300 in which the heroic, leather-clad Leonidas (Maguire) leads 13 of his fellow
Spartans in a campaign to defend their homeland from a Persian army that includes a hunchbacked Paris Hilton and many others.
Johnny's Take: I want to meet the Spartans so that I can punch them straight in the face. I'll pay to see this film approximately at the same time I'll
announce that I'm going to model my eating and hygiene habits after Michael Moore. The commercials and trailers are downright awful. The only way they could make the movie look less
appealing would be to add Tom Green and Larry the Cable Guy to the cast.
Speaking of Larry the Unfunny Cable Guy, who else is counting down to the release of Witless Protection? Yeah, I didn't think so.
If the people behind such drivel as Date Movie and Epic Movie have proven anything it's that they can't even be trusted to write
bad puns for the Podunk County Register.
Yet, despite the fact that they're as deficient as a no-legged mule in a 4-legged mule kicking contest, Hollywood keeps giving them business. Who cares if stupid teenagers with daddy's
expendable money pay to see this bile? Shouldn't we as a society demand higher standards rather than embrace and trumpet mediocrity?
On DVD This Week
Saw IV. The Game Plan with The Rock. Sydney White. Well, those are this week's new releases. I haven't seen any of them, so there's not much more for me to
say.
On The Sci-Fi Channel This Weekend
Ghost Voyage. It "stars" Antonio Sabato, Jr. and Deanna Russo. Not that there's much story to this, but it has something to do with a group of bad actors trying to escape from
a haunted ship that is on its way to Hell. Sounds like a winner. I guess Ghost Ship and Ghost Rig didn't fully cover all the nuances of the "bad haunted ship"
genre.
I have yet to decide if I'll even bother to DVR and then fast forward through this one.
Juno Update
I stayed up until 3:00 AM working on something more important than a movie review, so I'll finish this up sometime next week.
"Your mama will finish it up sometime next week."
That was really uncalled for.
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January 24, 2008
Whoops
Remember how yesterday I said I planned on using today to preview this week's theatrical and DVD releases? Yeah, well, I spent quite a few minutes doing that last night, and you know
what's currently resting on my dresser at home? That's right - the jump drive upon which all that work is stored. Now, the way I see it is I have two options: 1) I can waste my lunch
time by re-doing what's already been did, or 2) Y'all can wait until tomorrow to see the fruits of my labor.
If you've read this website for any particular length of time then it should come as no shock to the system that I'm going with option 2.
"But Johnny, I wanted to read your thoughts about Untraceable today!"
Too bad. It doesn't open until tomorrow, and I'll post my preview BEFORE noon, so it's all good. Quit your whining.
My ultimate plan is to also post my Juno review, so tomorrow should be content-heavy.
Radio
Anybody seen Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Radio? Inspired by a true story, the movie is about a high school football coach (Ed Harris) and the developmentally challenged man (Cuba) whom he
took under his wing.
I'd never seen it before, but my new gal wanted to watch it with me, so I obliged. I enjoyed the movie and thought it was a cute, feel-good film. Definitely one that's good to watch
with your girlie. However, there's an interesting fact that a lot of people aren't aware of. You know how some actors get so into their characters that they really become affected?
Sometimes it's hard for them to pull out of that character even after filming ends.
Sadly, that's been the case with Gooding Jr. Playing a mentally retarded character has severely hampered his decision-making ever since. Let this be a sign of encouragement to all
three Cuba Gooding Jr. fans who still exist. He's a method actor, folks. How else do you explain Norbit and Daddy Day Camp?
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January 23, 2008
Reader Reviews: Cloverfield
I have yet to see this past weekend's big box office winner Cloverfield. But a couple of you fine readers did see it, and you answered my call to send me your comments. Good job,
guys. I'm almost proud of ya.
If any of you are still wondering what to expect then here are some thoughts by your peers...
I saw Cloverfield this weekend, and I wanted to send you something to let you know my thoughts. Like you, the trailers and viral marketing piqued my interest, and I was excited
to check this out. In the first 10 minutes of the movie, I was figuring out whether I liked the "handycam" style of filming. Soon, though, I adjusted to it and really began to immerse
myself into the world that was Cloverfield.
I truly enjoyed this movie. The way it was shot made the film very personal. I felt I was with these characters. What began as a normal going-away party quickly shifted into something
new, confusing, and chaotic. I must say, I knew that eventually the chaos would begin, but I wasn't expecting it when it did. I also enjoyed the shifting back and forth that happened
a couple times in the movie that revealed bits of the footage previously recorded on the tape that was being recorded over.
The movie really does have legitimately scary moments. The characters are real. There are loose ends, disappointments, and lots of questions with fewer answers, and it works. I highly
recommend that you check out Cloverfield.
Erik
And Steven S., who I had the pleasure of meeting at the There Will Be Blood screening, has this to offer:
For all its inconsistencies, Cloverfield remains a great, gripping moviegoing experience. The hand-held cinematography adds to the realism of the film, firmly placing the viewer
in the setting of the film. The intensity of the film just completely overwhelms the viewer. After the movie was over I just sat there unable to get up because of what I had just seen.
It may not be the most emotional or challenging film of the year, but it is a fresh approach to the monster movie genre; it is the best movie of its kind since Jaws. It is rare
for such a film to be released this early in the year. I usually spend the early part of each year catching up on the previous year's Oscar contenders, but this film will definitely
land somewhere on my 2008 top 10 list.
There you go. Two intelligent, well-written reader reviews on what Cloverfield had to offer these viewers. Take the above advice at your own discretion.
How about we do a little house cleaning? I still need to finish adding Trantee's posters to the Movie Mark Originals, so let's do some revisiting. Please note that The Lost Holiday
originally had a poster, but I think my idea was so genius that I'm re-posting it again for your viewing and reading pleasure.
Tomorrow I'll preview this week's theatrical and DVD releases, and I'll try to have my Juno review done by Friday.
Movie Mark Original #20 Revisited
I have to give Mr. Shade credit for the title, but everything else is all mine! We have too few
interesting movies focused on battles between Heavenly and demonic forces, and well, this certainly
doesn't provide a solution, but I like to think it'd give the big guy upstairs a chuckle.
Why does Chuck Norris look like Roy Scheider with AIDs in this poster?
Title: Tres-Pastor
Tagline: He'll Invade Your Home; He'll Invade Your Soul.
Cast: Gary Busey, Chuck Norris
Plot Summary: Sinise Tergle (Gary Busey) arrives in a small Southern town,
presenting himself as a pastor with the intention of winning souls to his flock. Believing his
assertion that he is not of this world, the town soon learns just how accurate that statement is -
he's a demon sent to earth to gather recruits for an upcoming battle between good and evil - a
showdown of Biblical proportions!
Tuff Dakota (Chuck Norris) is a bearded rogue cop who has recently reclaimed his faith in God, a
faith that he lost long ago when his wife and child were taken from him in a tragic accident. One day
he hears the voice of God (voice cameo by James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman) telling him he is the
one chosen to stop the Tres-Pastor and his plans.
With little to rely on other than his faith and a devastating roundhouse, Dakota quickly learns that
God may tell us to forgive our trespassers, but He's silent on the issue of Tres-PASTORS. Beard
ensues.
Signature Quote: The only way to destroy the demons is by burning them, a
little trial by fire, if you will. God bestows Dakota with a flame torch that comes to be known as
"The Holy Fire of God." Whenever Dakota is ready to dispatch a demon with the torch he always
prefaces it with, "Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy Flame."
The Climactic Showdown: As Dakota and Tergle face off, Dakota tells him, "I'm
gonna hit you with so many right hands of God that you'll be begging for a left." After making good on
his promise, Dakota prepares to finish his opponent. Tergle throws his hands up for mercy and pleads,
"Wait! What happened to turning the other cheek?"
Dakota pauses, turns to the camera, removes the toothpick from his mouth, and coolly whispers, "Well go
ahead and turn it so I can kick it as well."
Movie Mark Original #21 Revisited
Title: The Lost Holiday
Tagline: No one wants to be alone for Christmas. Even when
stranded on an unidentified island.
Cast: Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Juliet
Plot Summary: Kate is torn between the two best-looking guys stranded on her side of
the island. Across the island (or on another one) Juliet is torn up over the fact that there are ZERO
good-looking guys around her. Two women who have never met find themselves in the exact same place - desperately
looking for love in all the wrong places. But there aren't many places to look when you're surrounded by
nothing but trees and strange bunkers.
They meet via a violent kidnapping and impulsively decide to switch homes. Kate moves into Juliet's
normal-looking house as Juliet takes up residence in Kate's tent.
Kate soon realizes that she doesn't really have it so bad having to choose between a short-haired dependable
guy and a long-haired bad boy. Juliet's choice is even easier - the dependable Jack with his 5 O'clock shadow
or the creepy Henry Gale with his bug eyes.
This holiday season find the answer to the age old question - if Christmas happens on a lost island, does it
really happen?
Get Lost this Christmas ... in the Holiday. The Lost Holiday.
Movie Mark Original #22 Revisited
Title: Chalupacabra
Tagline: Say cheese. Spicy Monterey Jack cheese...
Cast: Danny Trejo, Lorenzo Lamas, Lou Diamond Phillips
Plot Summary: Camino Esperanzo (Trejo) has been a fast food employee his
entire life, never reaching for greater heights. After a string of gruesome deaths puts the entire
community in a state of unease, Camino becomes suspicious when it's discovered that one thing all
of the victims have in common is that each one had eaten at his place of employment - Grande Taco -
just prior to death.
Another thing the victims have in common is that they were all gutted in the same vicious manner,
leading locals to discuss the possibility that these attacks are at the clawed hands of the chupacabra,
a mythical creature whose stories are usually relegated to bad horror movies and sketchy
tabloids.
Camino's suspicions are raised even higher when he recalls his manager returning from a trip to
Puerto Rico claiming he had found the perfect ingredient that was finally going to put Grande Taco
ahead of its competition - chupacabra eggs.
Camino originally laughed this off as a fanciful tale and figured the new special was called El Taco de
Diablo because of how hot and spicy it was, but he soon starts to think that something more sinister
is afoot.
Can he team with detectives Mario (Lamas) and Lopez (Phillips) in time to stop the damage being done by
the chalupacabra, or will customers continue to suffer from more than just heart burn?
Find more amazingly hilarious Movie Mark Originals by CLICKING HERE!
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January 22, 2008
The Oscars: Josh Brolin Gets Robbed
Welp, Josh Brolin SHOULD have been nominated for TWO Oscars this year. Nope, make that three - Best Actor for No Country for Old Men,
Best Supporting Actor for American Gangster, and a new category for Best Mustache should've been added in his honor. But noooooo,
douchebags like George Clooney get to bask in the wake of undeserved, politically-influenced nominations. So be it. Josh has made his statement, and he'll continue to be heard.
At least No Country for Old Men leads the way (along with There Will Be Blood)
with 8 nominations. No doubt Josh will be at the show and will most likely be a presenter. Can't wait to see him on stage when the group goes up there to accept the Best Picture award.
It's up to me to introduce some real movie awards. I know I've toyed with this idea for the past couple of years, but it's never come to fruition. Will this be the year? Names have been
bandied about, and I had settled on "The Golden Brolins." We'll stick with that ... unless I think of something I like better. I'll get to work on it.
"So how will your awards differ from the Oscars, Johnny?"
You can expect to see a whole LOT of movies like 3:10 to Yuma and a whole NOT of movies like Atonement.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a little smug patting on the back to do in regard to the above quote.
Josh Brolin Cast as George W. Bush
I'm not joking. Brolin has been chosen as the lead role in Oliver Stones' new biopic about America's 43rd president. Expressing his empathy for George W. Bush as a human being, the
oft-controversial director says his intent is not for this film to be "anti-Bush" but rather he wants to use a structure similar to The Queen to paint a "fair" portrait of
the man who was able to overcome alcohol addiction and personal struggles to achieve the highest political position in the world.
Stone wants the uber-talented Brolin in the lead role because he feels Josh "has the same drive and charisma that Americans identify with Bush, who has some of that old-time
movie-star swagger."
If financing can be secured then filming would begin in April. Expect Stone to employ a few controversial elements to enrage liberals and conservatives alike.
Let's hope it's better than Stone's complete botching of Alexander. Ouch.
Josh Brolin to Present at the SAG Awards Ceremony
The SAG Awards will be held at the Los Angeles Shrine Exposition Center on Jan. 27. The show will air live on TNT and TBS at 7:00 PM Central. Tune in.
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January 18, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: There Will Be Blood
"I really walked out of the theater torn over my opinion. Intriguing start, authentic look, great performances. But it's not something I would care to watch again, and it's definitely
a film that would have benefitted from a little more time spent in the editing room. This is not for general audiences. Watch the trailer. Your resulting excitement or indifference
will likely translate into your opinion of the film."
Click here to read my full review of There Will Be Blood starring Daniel
Day-Lewis.
If all goes well this weekend then I have grandiose plans of unveiling my review of Juno on Monday. Excitement has never ridden higher here at The Movie Mark. And that, my
friends, is quite the sad statement.
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January 17, 2008
Carmen Has a Crush on You
By no means am I looking forward to the upcoming Meet the Spartans. The commercials are horrendous, and the movie looks to be about as funny as having a root canal while
watching Rosie O'Donnell and Michael Moore mud wrestle. However, the interactive department at Fox has come up with a clever
CarmenHasACrushOnYou.com campaign.
What you do is CLICK HERE and then enter a friend's first name, attach a photo of the person, and input their phone
number. It then creates a video with Carmen Electra being interviewed and mentioning your friend's name, showing a picture of them in her photo album, and then making a personal
phone call to their phone. Of course, you can enter your own information if you are really lonely and want to pretend you're dating Carmen Electra.
Keep in mind that this definitely has to be a guy, and you won't want to send this to children or a guy with a girlfriend who might get offended at even a joke that Carmen Electra is
obsessed with her boyfriend.
Also, make sure you copy the link from the webpage and to not visit the link yourself, or it won't work properly. It will only make one phone call, so do not view the link before your
friend does or the timing will be off on the phone call.
OK, so have I just decreased work productivity throughout the world today? Good. Mission accomplished. Moving on...
Attention Steven Snyder
I haven't had home access to the Internet this week, so I haven't been able to check my personal email accounts. Steven - if you're reading this and still want to attend the
screening of There Will Be Blood tonight then show up at Malco Paradiso at about 6:40 - 6:45 and be on the lookout for me. We'll get it worked out. You should know what
I look like.
Coming Tomorrow
I'll attempt to have my review of There Will Be Blood ready. And you know what? I really need to write a review of Juno as well. The rest of the world is acting
like it's the greatest movie of all time, so I feel it's only right that I voice my opinion - which, of course, will stand as the ultimate statement on the film's worth. Stay
tuned.
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January 16, 2008
Opening this Week
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Director: Paul Thomas Anderson
Stars: Daniel Day-Lewis
Rated: R (for some violence)
Genre: Drama
Tagline: There Will Be Greed. There Will Be Vengeance.
Length: 158 minutes
Website: There Will Be Blood
Studio: Paramount Vantage
The Plot: A story about family, greed, religion, and oil, centered around a turn-of-the-century Texas prospector (Daniel Day-Lewis) in the early days
of the business.
Johnny's Take: I'm screening this one on Thursday, and it better be good. All I've been hearing is how Lewis has delivered "one of the greatest performances
of all time." That's a lofty statement, but I think I'll play it safe and lower my expectations. Look for my review on Friday.
CLOVERFIELD
Director: Matt Reeves
Stars: Lizzy Caplan, Jessica Lucas, and Mike Vogel
Rated: PG-13 (for violence, terror and disturbing images)
Genre: Action/Sci-Fi/Thriller
Tagline: Some Thing Has Found Us
Length: 90 minutes
Website: Cloverfield
Studio: Paramount Pictures
The Plot: Some sort of monster attacks New York, and we see it from the point of view of a small group of people.
Johnny's Take: I'll give credit to everybody involved in this production - they've done a great job of piquing interest. Immediately after seeing the
trailer for the first time, I jumped on the Internet to find out more. There has been plenty of hype but very little in the way of spoilers. Most people like to assume this is
some kind of Godzilla movie told "Blair Witch style."
I'm most curious how this one's gonna end. Do we see the monster(s)? Will we see them defeated? I really don't know what to expect. Will that pull me into the theater
and force $9 a pop from my wallet? Not likely. Though I might check it out once it hits the $2.50 theater.
If you go see this one then send me an email and give me your thoughts.
27 DRESSES
Director: Anne Fletcher
Stars: Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, and Malin Akerman
Rated: PG-13 (for language, some innuendo and sexuality)
Genre: Chick Flick
Tagline: This January, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Length: 107 minutes
Website: 27 Dresses
Studio: Fox 2000 Pictures
The Plot: After serving as a bridesmaid 27 times, a young woman (Heigl) wrestles with the idea of watching as her sister marries the man (Marsden) she's
secretly in love with.
Johnny's Take: Brought to you via the writer of The Devil Wears Prada, 27 Dresses has "girl's night out" written all over it. I did not attend the
screening, nor do I have immediate plans on seeing this at any point in my lifetime.
Waaah, poor Katherine Heigl can't find any one to marry her. Yeah right. And how sad that she has to struggle with the fact that she's secretly in love with someone who looks like
James Marsden. Will audiences really sympathize? Probably so. How about casting Sandra Oh as the bridesmaid and have her be secretly in love with Steve Buscemi? Yeah,
probably not gonna see that. Way to be shallow, Hollywood!
And am I really supposed to believe someone under 30 has been a bridesmaid in 27 weddings? Please.
MAD MONEY
Director: Callie Khouri
Stars: Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes
Rated: PG-13 (for sexual material and language, and brief drug references)
Genre: "Comedy"
Tagline: They're having the crime of their lives...
Length: 104 minutes
Website: Mad Money
Studio: Overture Films
The Plot: Within the confines of the Federal Reserve, three female janitors (Latifah, Keaton, and Holmes) conspire to steal a fortune in money that
is about to be destroyed.
Johnny's Take: I'm sorry, but I refuse to see any movie with a tagline of "They're having the crime of their lives" ... unless it's a Movie Mark
Original. I know people love Diane Keaton, and Queen Latifah has a built-in audience as well, so I'm sure this will make way more money than it deserves. But much like
27 Dresses, I did not attend any of the screenings, nor do I have immediate plans on seeing this at any point in my lifetime.
I watched the trailer, and that was quite enough for me, thank you very much.
If you see this and like it then please let me know. That way, if we ever become friends, I'll know not to ever let you be in charge of picking what to watch on movie night.
Zac Efron Undergoes Emergency Surgery
Official reports claim that the High School Musical star had to have his appendix removed, but my sources inform me that he actually underwent an eyebrow implant. Apparently
upset by talk that Peter Gallagher (known in some circles as "Caterpeter Gallagher") has the freakiest eyebrows in Hollywood, Efron was determined to be crowned the "brow king."
Whatever gets you through the day.
Brad Renfro Dead at 25
Brad Renfro, the 25-year-old actor more known for his drug and alcohol addictions than his role in 1994's The Client, was found dead Tuesday morning at his Los Angeles home. The
cause of death has yet to be determined. As tragic as this is, what's really sad is I read the headline without a modicum of surprise or bewilderment. I won't be shocked to see a similar
headline for Britney Spears if she doesn't get her life turned around. Kids, let this be a lesson. Drug and alcohol addiction lead to one place - an early grave.
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January 15, 2008
Signs from Hollywood that the Apocalypse is Near
Boasting the largest academic library in the world, Harvard University (the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States) has named its Woman of the Year. That woman's name?
Paris Hilton. Ms. Hilton will accept her award during a promotional tour for her upcoming "movie" The Hottie And The Nottie. Never mind that whirring sound; that's just John Harvard
spinning in his grave.
When Women Decorate...
When my mom and aunt offered their decorating help a couple of months ago I decided to open up my servant's heart and give them a little leeway. They had explicit instructions on certain
things I did NOT want to be done to my house, but I was generous with how much room I allowed them to work with. Well, they happen to like mirrors. Mirrors extend the room, they say. Good
luck finding a room in my house that does not have one of those smooth image-reflecting surfaces.
That includes the bathrooms. Now see, since women tend to sit down every single time they go to the bathroom, they might not be as inclined to think about certain things that men would...
oh, for example, like when they put a mirror above my toilet that just happens to be about waist high. They just saw open wall space and went crazy. I, on the other hand, am thinking
about adding some text to it...
"Objects in mirror may be larger than they appear."
On DVD This Week
Good Luck Chuck - avoid at all costs. One of the filthiest movies I've ever seen. Plus, it just wasn't funny.
Click here to read more of my expert opinion on this stink bomb.
Billy Bob Thornton's Mr. Woodcock is also being released. I never saw it, but the commercials for it were terrible. Rent at your own risk. Or how about you play it safe
and just rent 3:10 to Yuma instead?
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January 14, 2008
Johnny Finds His Graphics Software
Good news - I found my graphics software. Now I just need to find the motivation to install it on the ol' laptop. I'm still recovering from my recent sickness, so energy has been hard
to come by.
"But Johnny, we thought you were the beacon of good health and unparalleled physical fitness! A paragon of exercise virtue with the immune system of a Greek god!"
Good observations, dear reader. Please understand that I willed myself to be sick so that I could be an example to all of you on how to handle such a situation once your inferior immune
systems inevitably succumb to some type of winter sickness. Name me one other movie reviewer/genius writer who would intentionally subject himself to a scratchy throat, rough cough,
and tense headache just for his readers?
I'll take your silence as evidence that you can't think of anybody.
"Actually, that silence represents the fact that nobody is reading."
Yeah? Well, I think it represents your mama.
ETA: I just installed the software, so y'all can quit your yapping.
Weird Christian Bale Casting News
In what can only be described as one of the weirdest, most inexplicable casting decisions in movie history, Christian Bale has been chosen to star as Mearl Purvis, in a yet-to-be-named
biopic about the award-winning Memphis news anchorwoman. Mearl has won four Regional Emmy Awards, and before starting her recent tenure at Fox 13 News in Memphis, she reported and
anchored in Charlotte, Nashville, and Jackson, MS.
The reasoning behind casting Christian Bale as a middle-aged black woman is as mysterious as why a studio would think anybody would be interested in a movie about an unknown Memphis
news woman, but Bale's notorious method acting should prove to be quite interesting in light of...
*Johnny is handed a note*
Seriously? *sigh* This is embarrassing. It seems that Bale has been cast in Michael Mann's Public Enemies as MELVIN Purvis, the legendary FBI agent who led the manhunt for John
Dillinger, who will be played by Johnny Depp. Bale hunting down Depp, with Michael "Heat" Mann directing? I can't see how they could screw this up.
Granted, seeing a headline such as "Chris Kattan cast as Baby Face Nelson" would probably do it, but I trust that won't happen.
I apologize to anybody who had gotten excited about the prospect of a Mearl Purvis biopic. Although, if you're the type of person who'd get excited about such a thing, well, you probably
owe an apology to society... for quite a bit.
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January 11, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: The Bucket List
"While the music choices (if I hear The Lion Sleeps Tonight one more time...) and life-changing adventures (sky diving, yawn) could have been a little more inspired, at least
the ever-changing landscape does provide several instances of lush cinematography to behold. And hey, it even presents a nice little message about making the most out of the
time we've been given. Not exactly divinely inspired, I know, and nobody is petitioning to have it included in any future translations of the Bible, but it'll send its octogenarian
fan base home with a collective smile."
Johnny reviews The Bucket List, starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. I wrote this review under the influence of Dayquil and
Vitamin C. Hopefully it makes some semblance of sense.
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January 10, 2008
The People's Choice Awards
It's amazing to see just how untalented some of the Hollywood elite are when they're not backed up by a bevy of creative writing. I DVR'd The People's Choice Awards the other night just
in case the Brolinator was nominated for something. Queen Latifah, whose appeal I've never understood in the first place, was the host, and it was NOT filmed in front of an audience. So
what were we subjected to for two hours? Latifah announcing nominees and winners, telling lame jokes, and engaging in improv that was so painful to watch that I might as well have been
enduring a Chris Kattan movie marathon. Further proof that the fast forward button may indeed be man's greatest invention.
I haven't seen somebody flounder that badly on stage since Miss Teen South Carolina attempted to explain how bad our students' geography skills are. In her defense, Ms. South Carolina
isn't being paid millions of dollars like Queen La-overrated-tifah.
Image Awards Nominations
Does anybody else find it a little out of place that Angelina Jolie has been nominated for Best Actress for the NAACP Image Awards? Protests and public outcry will begin in 3 ... 2 ...
1 ...
Woody Allen, William Friedkin, and David Cronenberg To Direct Operas...
...Johnny Betts to not watch them.
Coming Tomorrow
The long-awaited review of The Bucket List. Don't lie; you know you've been waiting for it ever since you found out they were making the film.
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January 9, 2008
Comanche Moon
If you've ever engaged me in a little Western genre tête?à?tête then you have most likely walked away from the conversation enlightened, entertained, and educated. But more specifically,
you probably have come away with an understanding that I think the original Lonesome Dove (starring Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, and Diane Lane) is simply one of the best
Westerns ever made. In fact, I don't think you can consider yourself a true connoisseur of the genre unless you've seen it. If you tell me that you love Westerns, and I ask you about
Lonesome Dove then your response better not be, "Never seen it." My follow-up will be, "Get behind me, Satan," and the discussion is over.
Anyway, the three-part mini-series in Larry McMurtry's final addition to his Texas Rangers saga begins this Sunday on CBS. The plot summary follows:
Texas Rangers Augustus McCrae (Steve Zahn) and Woodrow Call (Karl "I'm not Related to Keith" Urban), now in their middle years, continue to deal with the ever-increasing tensions of
adult life - Gus with his great love, Clara Forsythe (Freaks and Geeks' Linda Cardellini), and Call with Maggie Tilton (Elizabeth Banks), the young whore who loves him. Two
proud but very different men, they enlist with a Ranger troop (led by Val Kilmer) in pursuit of Buffalo Hump (Wes Studi), the great Comanche war chief; Kicking Wolf, the celebrated
Comanche horse thief; and Ahumado (Sal Lopez), a deadly Mexican bandit king with a penchant for torture. Assisting the Rangers in their wild chase is the renowned Kickapoo tracker,
Famous Shoes (David Midthunder).
Comanche Moon closes the 20-year gap between Dead Man's Walk and Lonesome Dove, following beloved heroes Gus and Call and their comrades in arms - Deets (Keith
Robinson), Jake Spoon (Ryan Merriman), and Pea Eye Parker (Troy Baker) - in their bitter struggle to protect an advancing Western frontier against the defiant Comanches, courageously
determined to defend their territory and their way of life.
As I already mentioned, Comanche Moon begins this Sunday and concludes on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week.
My hopes are cautiously high. One of the elements that puts the original Lonesome Dove in the cream of the crop is its tremendous cast (excluding the glaring mistake of
Anjelica Huston). The sequels and prequels have not been able to stack up in that regard. James Garner replacing Tommy Lee Jones as Woodrow Call? Johnny Lee Miller playing a young Woodrow?
Um, no.
Personally, I was secretly hoping Josh Brolin would get the role of Woodrow in Comanche Moon. He'd be perfect as a young version of Tommy Lee Jones. Granted, he didn't
audition for the role due to how busy he's been with his rising big screen career, but I had hope. Unfortunately, I'm now forced to remain optimistic and pray that Karl Urban can do the
job. Considering I've never seen him show much more emotion than a tree (although a little more than Josh Hartnett), my expectations remain mired in doubt.
And Steve Zahn playing Augustus McCrae, a character made inimitable by Robert Duvall? Don't get me wrong, I like Zahn well enough, but I've gotta get past the thought of "the dude
from National Security and Daddy Day Care" following in the footsteps of ROBERT DUVALL! You know, one of the greatest actors of all time. Gus indeed has a lazy and
carefree, jovial side, but he was still a feared Texas Ranger who hunted down dangerous outlaws. Can Zahn be convincingly tough when he needs to be? We'll see.
I shall reserve further judgment until I actually watch the mini-series in its entirety. Both of these guys (and the rest of the cast) could pull it off. Do I think this has a chance
of equaling the original? No way. Not even a prayer. But I do expect it to provide solid Western entertainment in a landscape that is nowadays a little too barren.
If you're a fan of the genre then check it out. What else are you gonna do, head to the movies and watch Dungeon Siege? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Coming This Week
My review of The Bucket List. I might have a guest reviewer.
"Who would that be, Johnny?"
Your mama.
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January 8, 2008
The Golden Globes Cancelled
In the wake of the news regarding the cancellation of the Golden Globe ceremonies, writing virtuoso Johnny Betts dismissed the notion that the cancellation
was directly related to the WGA strike. "Does anybody seriously believe that?" asked the Internet folk hero. "It's obvious that everybody involved realized that
a huge mistake was made in not granting at least one nomination to the inimitable Josh Brolin. Everybody came to their senses and realized Josh didn't get the
recognition that he deserved, and they were scared of how embarrassed they would be with a national television audience witnessing their blunder."
Brolin, who is enjoying a career breakthrough with four high profile roles in 2007, is receiving serious Oscar consideration in both the Best Actor (for
No Country for Old Man) and Best Supporting Actor (for American
Gangster) categories. His mustache has also generated its own Oscar buzz, leading some experts to speculate whether a new Best 'Stache category might be
added.
"2007 was the Year of the Brolin, my friends. A term I coined early in 2006, and one that I heard on national TV recently. Do you think I received credit? Nope. The
guy who used it (some 120-year-old interviewer on AMC's Shootout) just threw it out there without a hint of recognition. Believe me, that lack of recognition stings
a little bit, so here's hoping Josh gets the year-end accolades he deserves. If not then he'll come roaring back with a few more roles that will kick in the teeth of the
establishment. Move over Jude Law and George Clooney, a new breed of movie star is in town."
The Golden Globes could not be reached for comment.
Upcoming Screenings
People have asked me if I will be attending the upcoming 27 Dresses screening. My answer is always the same: "Do I look like I've had any estrogen shots
recently?"
People have also inquired about the possibility of me attending Thursday's screening of Ice Cube's First Sunday. My response is typically, "Only if I happen to accomplish
everything I want to in life by Thursday."
I am, however, a little more lenient regarding the likelihood of attending a screening of Mad Money. My viewpoint on that one is, "I'm gonna need some movies for my
'worst of 2008' list, so that one might be bad enough for me to have fun ridiculing."
I calls it like I sees it folks, and I've got 20/15 vision.
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January 7, 2008
Tonight's Screening of The Bucket List
If you're attending tonight's screening of The Bucket List then come see me before or after the movie. I have a surprise for you. How hilarious would it be if you came up to me
and I just punched you in the back of the head? It'd be a surprise, right? Well, I'm not going to do that.
This is week two of "January Held Hostage." Ice Cube and Uwe Boll have separate movies being released in the same weekend? I need to re-read Revelation, but I'm pretty sure that's one
of the signs of the Apocalypse. The Bucket List is this week's only big screen release that has the chance of NOT being penciled in on "worst of 2008" lists across the country.
I fear it might dip it's finger in the syrup jar one too many times, but we shall see. Considering its cast (Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson), I'll give it the benefit of the doubt until
I watch it.
Johnny's Day of Reckoning is Near
It appears that I will have no choice but to see P.S. I Love You very soon. Marching orders have been given. Expect a full review, a dual review in fact, soon.
Big Screen TV
Anybody wanna buy me one? Or donate one in the name of improving my movie-watching? You'd be amazed at how much that in turn would improve the Movie Mark. Just thought I'd check before
I buy one myself...
On a related note, I'd like to dish out a big ol' helpin' of appreciation to Tangentgirl for her generous housewarming gift.
Oreo Update
The kitchen has been cleaned up and repainted, and it looks better than before. I must send a big thank you to my parents for all their help. In even bigger news, the Oreos have been
defeated! I've got pictures and a full story coming soon...
The Lack of Updating the Marquee
You may or may not have noticed that my marquee has been advertising Awake as "This Week's Opening" for quite some time. Well, the problem is I had to have my laptop rebuilt
recently, and unfortunately I can't find my Fireworks disks. Therefore, I have not been able to load the software back on the laptop in order to update this particular feature of TMM.
Wish me luck in finding the software and getting things back to normal. Thank you.
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January 4, 2008
The January Movie Doldrums
January is infamously known as the month when studios take a big dump on theaters. It's akin to my mom cleaning out her pantry and giving us candy from LAST Christmas. She paid for it over
a year ago, and she doesn't want it to go to waste, so she thinks we children will act like we're 5 years old and gleefully accept any stale Peeps thrown our way. Welp, studios have their
own stale peeps sittin' in the pantry, and rather than letting them go completely to waste they simply vomit them on a few movie screens and try to forget their existence as quickly as
America forgot C. Thomas Howell approximately 20 years ago.
Most of these films won't be screened for critics, meaning I will never see them, however, here are just a few examples of this January's films that have the potential of making
many "Worst of 2008" lists:
One Missed Call - I discussed this one yesterday, and it looks like I was dead-on. Reviews are already universally terrible. Somebody call an ambulance; Ed Burns'
career is knocking on death's door.
First Sunday - Wanna make a bad movie? Then you go right ahead and cast Ice Cube and/or Tracy Morgan! Oh, you have both signed up? Wow, even better! I mean
worse. And they're playing petty criminals who try to rob a local church? I don't even have to watch this one, folks, I can review it right now if you'd like, and it wouldn't be pretty.
You know the difference between Sony and The Asylum? Sony doesn't seem to realize how bad their movies truly are.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale - Ah, this is the one bad movie that I simply must see. It looks so horrendously awful that I might actually
consider sneaking into the theater to watch it. It's a Uwe Boll film, and Burt Reynolds plays a king. Do I really need to say more? Watch the trailer and you'll be shocked to
see Ray Liotta, who I typically like, chewing scenery like Rosie O'Donnell at an all-you-can-eat conspiracy theory buffet.
Mad Money - Wow. This one is actually being screened in Memphis because the studios know menopausal women will go see it due to the presence of Diane
Keaton. But have you seen the trailer? Just when you think Katie Holmes can't possibly be any more annoying... By December of next year I might need some films to bolster my "worst of"
list, so I might screen this one as a precautionary measure.
Untraceable - I like Diane Lane, and director Gregory Hoblit has a good track record (Primal Fear, Fallen, Frequency,
Fracture), so it might actually be good. Unfortunately, it's a film about a killer and the Internet. If Hollywood has proven anything in
recent years it's that they simply don't know Jack (Binion, that is) when it comes to computers. I'm having bad flashbacks of The Net, and that's got me a little wary in regard
to this one. Hope springs eternal...
How She Move - Well, the title's butchering of the English language pretty much eliminates it from this year's Oscar race, but it's the plot summary that ushers
in a complete absence of hope. Any movie about a girl rediscovering her love of step dancing should be taken out behind the barn and given the Old Yeller treatment.
Meet the Spartans - And finally we close with the cream of the crap. The borderline retarded writers of Date Movie
and Epic Movie have inexplicably been given a budget to make a movie that ingeniously parodies a combination of 300 and Britney Spears. And
by "ingeniously" I mean the complete opposite.
As I watched the trailer, I could actually feel future laughs being sucked out of my soul. I'll likely have to watch Dumb and
Dumber two or three times before I can even smile again.
Listen up. Hollywood couldn't give moviegoers a bigger middle finger than releasing this film and trying to convince you to go see it. Let's fight back and just say no. Who wants to
join my new club MATSODMEMAMTS?
Moviegoers
Against
The
Screenwriters
Of
Date
Movie
Epic
Movie
And
Meet
The
Spartans
Support the cause, and feel free to offer a better acronym.
Facebook Quote Suggestions
Did you know that Facebook now rules the world? That's the message I'm receiving. Apparently nothing is official until it's "Facebook official," including relationships. Well, since
everybody runs their life via Facebook, it's my goal to have as many people as possible quote me on their quote section. I highly encourage you to use quotes from your favorite
Johnny Betts movie reviews, but I've decided to periodically offer you little tidbits, gold nuggets of intellectual stimulation, to use as well. Here are a few for you to go ahead and
put to good use:
After the Fried Oreo Fiasco (see the December 31 entry)...
"People think I'll never try to make fried Oreos again, but I don't live by that philosophy. If that were the case then I'd be conceding defeat ... to freakin' Oreos."
After reading another ill-advised pun in the local newspaper...
"Bad puns and journalism go together like Chuck Norris and his beard. You just cannot separate the two."
While discussing Nicolas Cage's performance in The Wicker Man...
"I haven't seen that much bad acting since attending my brother's junior high Christmas play. Both I and the baby Jesus cried ... for mercy."
A random observation...
"They just don't perm hair like William Katt's any more."
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January 3, 2008
Opening this Week
The only wide screen release this week is the sure-fire box office bomb One Missed Call. The film stars Ed Burns (last seen in one of the worst movies and biggest box office
disasters of all time A Sound of Thunder) as a detective investigating the mysterious calls received by Shannyn Sossamon (whose own
mother couldn't even tell you what she's done since 2001's A Knight's Tale). Sossamon is just one of many people who have received these calls. They reveal the date, time,
and details of their deaths. Hmm. That's the same info I give out when I'm harassed by telemarketers. Interesting.
Anywho, January release + no screenings = stink bomb. I shall henceforth refer to this film as One Skipped movie because you won't find me paying to see this in the theater.
Unless I get a call from a certain cutie telling me she wants to see One Missed Call this weekend. Perspective is all a matter of perspective, my friends. Know what I mean?
On DVD this Week
Resident Evil: Extinction - A film so generically bland and uninspired that I couldn't even muster the energy to write a full review. I actually paid to
see this one at the theater, and my butt is still sore from kicking myself. It looks like the special features include some deleted scenes, a featurette, and director commentary.
Sounds absolutely unfascinating. Rent it if you just can't get enough of Milla Jovovich looking fine. Skip it if the first two have you covered on that front.
Shoot-Em Up - What a disappointment this one was. Read my review to find out why. There are some solid action
sequences, so it might actually play better on DVD ... assuming you know when and where to fast forward.
If you want my advice then I say save your money and use it on next week's big release - 3:10 to Yuma. It's one of the year's best and will
be added to my collection. If you don't want my advice then you need professional counseling. Statistics show that in my mind, my suggestions and recommendations are 100% accurate 100%
of the time. How can you argue with those numbers?
On the Sci-Fi Channel this Weekend
Saturday's brand new Sci-Fi Original is a little number that plays to the tune of Beyond Loch Ness. Apparently "when it killed Neil Chapman's father, the Loch Ness monster was
already a legend. Now he won't rest until the beast is history." Who's Neil Chapman? Probably a douchebag who can't act. I must say that I'm dismayed by the severe lack of the presence
of either Lorenzo Lamas or Patrick Muldoon, but any script "written" by the same guy responsible for Dark Storm and The Two Coreys and
directed by the jerk who subjected us to Android Apocalypse and Snakehead Terror has the potential to be unintentionally
hilarious. Unfortunately, it also has the potential to bore me to the point of gouging my eyes with needle nose pliers.
I'm gonna DVR this one because I have a feeling that even though I plan on fast forwarding through an hour and 45 minutes, I should be able to get 15 minutes of laughs via a
badly-rendered CGI Loch Ness monster. What I'm really hoping for is some bad American actors trying to pull off Scottish accents. We shall see.
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January 2, 2008
So, What's Next?
When I started TMM in January of 2004, one of my underlying goals was to make Josh "Pimp Suit" Brolin a household name. Four years later, with Josh participating in four high profile
movies involving four big-name directors, surrounded by Oscar talk, I think it's no exaggeration to finally state "mission accomplished." It's been a great ride, and I derived much joy
in ushering in The Year of the Brolin. I'll continue to keep you updated on Josh's stratospheric rise, but where do I go from here?
Not a day goes by without my email inbox filling with desperate pleas from lesser-known actors begging me to "make them the next Brolin." Not gonna happen. I have no interest in offering
faux praise for somebody I know nothing about. Brolin rocked the role of Wild Bill Hickok on The Young Riders and showed that he was exactly what Hollywood needed, even if
Hollywood didn't fully realize it at the time. Fighting for bigger name recognition was a valiant cause in his case.
So what do I do? Well, 2008 is going to be The Year of the Movie Mark Original. I am making it my goal to take one of my MMOs and pitch it to every studio that is known for making
really bad movies (The Asylum, Full Moon Productions, the Sci-Fi Channel, Sony) and see if I can convince somebody to pay me to write the script or pay me for the rights to the movie.
Anybody can make a bad movie, but it takes real talent to intentionally make a "bad movie" that's actually enjoyable to watch. That's my goal. I want to revolutionize the B movie market,
and I think Nun Chuck starring Chuck Norris is the approach to take. Or how about Narco Polo with Wesley Snipes?
People love bad movies. How else do you explain The Day After Tomorrow making $186 million? And there are plenty of guys with
rear ends the size of weather balloons, who either can't or won't roll off their couch on a Saturday night and attempt to do something productive. So what happens? They're stuck watching
Lorenzo Lamas fight CGI hamsters on the Sci-Fi Channel. You see, the Sci-Fi Channel is so high on their TV dial that by the time they get to it, their fat, pudgy little fingers are too
tired to operate the remote any longer, so they just leave it there.
That's where I come in. Let's keep the low budget and the no-name actors, but let's spice it up with a smart script, cleverly written bad one-liners, and tongue-in-cheek puns. I'll keep
y'all up-to-date on my progress.
Winter Previews
Stay tuned for my previews of what you can expect to litter your local theaters in 2008...
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