BREAKING NEWS - JULY 2005

July 29, 2005

"Stealth isn't a movie I'd pay to go see, and if Jessica Biel hadn't been in it then its watchability probably would've dropped by a factor of 10. But it kept me visually entertained enough that I didn't mind seeing it on the big screen for free. If you don't have the time or the money to waste, then save 'em both because you probably won't find Stealth to be a wise investment of either."

July 28, 2005

July 27, 2005

"You might as well go ahead and prepare to dumber after watching the movie than when you started. Every time Ice Cube spit out something like 'truf' or 'kick you in the teef' or aidin' and abeddin' I could actually hear and feel gray matter dissolving. It kind of tickles, but in a scary way. I'd immediately try to think of something intelligent in an effort to minimize long-term damage. So naturally, I'd reflect on some of my past reviews. I recommend you take a similar route."

• 3 Deleted Scenes with Optional Commentary
• From Convict to Hero - The Making of xXx: State of the Union Featurette
• Top Secret Military Warehouse Featurette
• xXx: According to Ice Cube Featurette
• Director Lee Tamahori's Commentary
• Visual Effects Commentary
• 4 Bullet Train Breakdown Angles with director Lee Tamahori's introduction

July 26, 2005

July 25, 2005

• 1 Bone Bag
• 1 Tote
• 1 Dog Tag
• 1 poster
• 1 Men's "I don't bite" shirt

• The first time anybody ever told me I resembled John Cusack was at Burger King. As soon as I started to place my order, the kid behind the cash register yelled out, "Grosse Pointe Blank!" I eloquently responded with, "Huh?" To which he replied, "John Cusack! Has anybody ever told you that you look like him?" I believe I responded with, "No, I don't think so. I'll take the Whopper Meal Deal please." Stephanie always gets annoyed when I say "Whopper Meal Deal" rather than "Number 1" (since it's meal #1). Po-tay-toes, po-tah-toes.



• I might as well go ahead and dedicate today to Must Love Dogs, and as a result, I suppose I should admit that I had a dream last night involving Diane Lane. Please get your minds out of the gutter! In a nutshell Diane and Stephanie were supposed to meet me at a movie, they didn't show, I questioned them about it later, Diane yelled that I don't dictate what she does, I said it's the polite thing to do to keep your commitments, Diane cried a little and apologized, and that's all I remember. I know - I'm strange sometimes.



• I bought a DVD Recorder this weekend! Who's interested in the "Best of Josh Brolin" DVD that I'll be working on very soon? Hmm, I should probably make it a contest due to the abnormally high demand I'm expecting.

July 22, 2005

"But you know what? I like explosions! I like really cool car chase scenes! And doggone it; I thoroughly enjoyed watching Ms. Johansson run away from trouble in those tight little white jumpsuit pants of hers. Granted, the outfits are goofy. I'm pretty sure my entire family (with the exception of me) had some almost like that during the late 90s when swishy jumpsuits were all the rage. But Scarlett wears it well."

July 21, 2005

"I'm all for a good underdog story, but this is one of the least inspiring underdog movies I've ever seen. I was actually rooting against the Bears. Talk about the biggest collection of annoying kid actors I've seen in a long time, especially Tanner (Timmy Deters). It's bad enough that his stupid girly hair makes him look like a young Natalie Maines, but his taste for the profane and penchant for getting into fights indicate to me that he's just going to be another drain on taxpayer money when he's sitting in a jail cell in a few years. He's a prime example of why you shouldn't spare the rod."

July 20, 2005

July 19, 2005

July 18, 2005

• Well, I'm proud to say that since its conception, The Movie Mark has shown considerable growth every single month. I'm getting more readers, I'm being added to press lists, I'm receiving press kits and other promo materials, and now I've been given the chance to sponsor a couple of screenings of The Island. So when I went running to Mama Betts to give her an update and let her know how much my site was growing, just knowing she'd be proud of her little boy, do you know what response I got? "So when are you going to start making money off this?" was her unimpressed reply. "Well, I'm getting some cool free stuff, and the screenings are great publicity," I stammered. "You need to start trying to make some money from it," was her rebuttal.
  
  Her point isn't without merit, but ouch! Leave it to parents to always have a wet blanket handy.



• OK, so I admit it - I didn't exactly do everything on my site last week that I wanted to. But I got so swamped with The Island stuff that I kind of just lost my way. I still haven't found the inspiration to do a full review of Wedding Crashers - not that that's hurting its box office or anything. But I WILL start to chip away at everything else this week. I promise.



• Look for reviews of The Island and Bad News Bears this week. I need to watch a really bad movie sometime soon to spark some motivation. Chopping Mall is still on the DVR, waiting to be thoroughly enjoyed like the horrible movie it is, but we have to wait until the Shades can come watch it with us. I've got another Movie Mark Original to throw your way, and I just might unveil the Movie Mark Comic Strip this week. Stay tuned.

July 15, 2005

• I saw The Island last night, and it's very good. I'm predicting it to be the sleeper hit of the Summer.



• I've tried twice to sit down and write a review of Wedding Crashers but for some reason I just can't do it. I just can't find an angle I want to run with. It's a weird feeling, as if I have mental constipation or something. I enjoyed the movie. So if you want to know what to expect then here you go: Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn being hilarious, plenty of laugh-out-loud moments, a handful of be-embarrassed-and-hope-nobody-from-church-sees-you-at-this-movie moments, and Jane Seymour shedding her wholesome Dr. Quinn image.
  
  I guess I'm just burned out from watching three screenings this week and working out the details to sponsor yet another screening of The Island. I'll try to put together my review when things are clicking. Just please don't take mama, the kids, or the easily offended.



• I have a message for all my male readers out there - stop making excuses when you're caught listening to Kelly Clarkson. I'm sorry, but radio is not a visual experience and therefore, "I think she's hot!" or "She has a nice booty!" do NOT explain why you're getting your Miss Independent groove on via the radio. Just roll the windows up, rock out to Since You've Been Gone, and accept it. Not that any of this applies to *me*, I just know how some guys are. You know?

July 14, 2005

"Go with your instinct. Are you dying to see it? Well, if you're actually dying to see this movie then you should probably go see a doctor. No movie should bring near death upon anybody. But once you find some treatment then it's probably worth it to you to check out. I know the people at the screening I attended loved it. So be it. But if the trailer does nothing to intrigue you, and if you didn't even like the original, then save your money. This is one of those movies I'd personally wait to make a rental or catch on TV."

July 13, 2005

• I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night. It's a'ight. Probably nothing I'll ever feel the need to watch again, but most the people at the screening loved it. I hope to post my review by tomorrow. Depends on how I fare in my battle against laziness. I'll be screening Wedding Crashers tonight, and I'll be shocked if a comedy starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn doesn't have my sides hurting at some point.



• I heard on the radio this morning that Chris Kattan has been hired by Fox to produce, direct, and star in his own TV show. Please allow me to quote Jesus, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" For those of you not as well-versed in Aramaic (or is that Hebrew?) as I, that translates to, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" I'll go ahead and predict that the show will reek beyond all belief. That's assuming it'll ever actually air.



• I don't know how many of you have actually heard of Robot Chicken, so if you haven't then let me briefly explain that it's a stop motion animation show by Seth Green and his friends. They take different action figures and use stop motion to animate them within different satirical backdrops. For example, the latest episode featured a skit in which Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Pinhead, and Michael Myers were on an episode of Big Brother. Near the end of the skit they revealed who was being eliminated from the show - Michael Myers. The Michael Myers action figure hugged everybody, grabbed his bags, and slowly walked out of the house with his head hanging low and sad music playing. Amber, my 18-year-old sister, came over to watch it and during this scene she actually responded with a very sad-sounding, "Awwwwww."
  
  Note to Amber: I'm not really sure what was actually sad about this. It's a satirical skit. With an action figure. OF A HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!!!



• Over on the Movie Mark Message Board (cheap plug alert) we've been complaining about the AFI's latest lame Top 100 list. This time they've come up with their opinions on the Top 100 quotes of all time. Well, seeing how far off the mark they are with some of their choices, we've come up with some notable exclusions. I was watching Liar Liar the other night, and I just have to bring attention to Jim Carrey's line, "Where would Tina Turner be today if she rolled on the floor and yelled, 'Hit me again Ike, and put some stank on it!'" Cracks me up every single time.

July 12, 2005

• I've started to get noticed by a few people at the movie screenings (note to the ladies: take a picture; it'll last longer), but it's time I develop some serious star power. I need to really stand out. I want to get to the point where I'm arriving at the screenings in a limo with fans lined up seeking autographs. I figure a wardrobe change might be effective in drawing attention, so I was thinking something along the lines of a purple suit may work. Throw in some snakeskin boots and a man-fur stole and I'm bound to be noticed. Don't worry, I wouldn't wear this outfit everywhere - it'd just be my "movie screening" outfit. I have to preserve my dignity, you know?



• Welp, I'm seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight, and to be honest, "the jury is still out" is the best cliché I can come up with to describe my opinion of what I can expect. But why does everybody have to act so shocked that I've never seen the original - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? By the looks on their faces you'd think I was eating a bowl of cancer cells in front of them. Granted, I've never eaten a bowl of cancer cells in front of anybody, so I don't know precisely what kind of face that would influence on a person, but I can imagine that a look of shock would be involved.
  
  My sister, who is 12 years younger than I, actually had the nerve to call me "deprived" because I've never watched it. I'm not sure how deprived I am considering I can go to the video store and rent the movie any time I like. I'm not exactly curled up on the couch, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth, chanting gibberish over and over because I've been kept from seeing the movie. Ah well, I just hope the screening gives out free candy or something. I loves me some candy.



• Australian Ann still loves me, and as a result she is the Movie Mark of the week. She practically begged and pleaded with me to continue to post updates on my softball team. Well, "begged" and "pleaded" may be a little strong. "P.S. Good job on softball" is probably a little more accurate.
  
  Anyway, I'm a little worried because the tournament was supposed to be next week but because of rain last night that cancelled some remaining games, it's possible that the tournament will be pushed back to Monday, June 25th. The bad thing about this is the Must Love Dogs screening is on that night. It's a romantic comedy starring Diane Lane and John Cusack, and since I've had some people tell me I resemble John Cusack I was going to pretend I was in the movie with her. Stephanie couldn't get mad at the kissing scenes either because "it's part o' da job." This was also going to give me the opportunity to pretend that Josh Brolin came on set (since he is married to Lane) and we played a game of basketball or something. We'll see what happens.



• Have you ever noticed that the lyrics to Alannah "What in the World Happened to Me?" Myles' Black Velvet would make great narration for a graphic novel? Some strategically placed punctuation makes it perfect. I think I may run with this idea. How many graphic novels out there have a female lead? This is gonna rock. Check it out (lyrics slightly altered for full effect):
  
  Mississippi. Middle of a dry spell.
  Jimmy Rogers was playing on the victrola up high.
  Mama's dancing with baby on her shoulder.
  The sun is setting like molasses in the sky.
  The boy could sing. Knew how to move. Everything.
  
  And then...
  
  Up in Memphis. Music's like a heat wave.
  White lightning. Bound to drive you wild.
  Mama's baby's in the heart of every school girl.
  "Love me tender" leaves 'em cryin' in the aisle.
  The way he moved. It was a sin. So sweet and true.
  
  Man, you find the right girl who knows how to deliver these lines with pauses in all the right places and this is huge. Come on, a graphic novel based on Black Velvet (Copyright © 2005 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved)? Watch out, Hollywood, I'm on my way.

July 11, 2005

• What's George Clooney's problem? The guy comes off as a smarmy jack-a-dandy with an ego to rival mine, but doggone it; the guy keeps making movies I enjoy! This irritates me to no end - just let me hate you! I watched Out of Sight for the first time this weekend. I used to avoid movies Clooney was in just because I didn't like him, but the positive reviews for this one got my attention, and I have to admit it's a solid flick. Jennifer Lopez is definitely at her hottest. I'm gonna watch The Peacemaker next. I'm sure I'll enjoy it as well. Sigh. He's still the worst Batman though! So there!



• Still no word from the Sci Fi Channel regarding Queen Bee: Breakin' Out in Hives (see below). I'm sittin' on gold here. All they have to do is ask if they can mine it. *note to self - be sure and use that line in the script* Just wait until I reveal the details on my second Movie Mark Original this week - Fireants: It's Picnic Time! I may be willing to work out a package deal with them.



• Still no confirmation on whether any of my movie reviews or articles have saved lives or made any sort of quantifiable impact. But laughter is the best medicine, right? For now I'll just assume that the humor I spread acts as preventive medicine, and that's just something that's hard to gauge.



• On the way to work today I saw what I thought was "Stiller" on the back of somebody's vehicle. I immediately thought to myself, "Has Ben Stiller reached the point where he's only referred to as 'Stiller' and people are actually putting stickers with his name on their cars? I like the guy, but come on." Upon closer inspection I realized it said, "Stillen." A quick Google search revealed that "Stillen" is a manufacturer of aftermarket car merchandise. Oh well. If I EVER see a commercial for Stillen and it contains the line, "I'm Stillen like a villain," I pledge to punch somebody. I don't care if it has to be Mr. Shade serving as a stand-in.
  
  Strangely enough, I now feel the urge to find a sticker that says "Stiller" and put it on my truck. If nothing else, it'd at least be a funny parody of the "Stillen" sticker. Folks, these are the things that run through my mind on a daily basis.



• My sponsoring of this Thursday's screening of The Island has been a huge success. My allotment of 50 passes was increased to 75 in a dazzling display of economics after it was realized that demand exceeded supply, and all 75 passes were given away in just a few days. It remains to be seen if a lot of the people who signed up for a pass will continue to check out my site or if they just wanted to see a free movie. My guess is I'll gain maybe one or two new readers from this positive experience. That's cool because that'll bring my total number of readers to about 8. Of course, that's counting me.

• Reviews of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Wedding Crashers.
• Ms. Ang's review of Dark Water.
• Felix's horror stories.
• More bullet points than I know what to do with.
• Another Movie Mark Original movie.
• The links section. Perhaps.
• A Charlie and the Chocolate Factory contest.
• The same ol' unfunny stuff I retread every week.

July 8, 2005

"As a superhero movie, this just isn't that good, folks. The best way for me to describe Fantastic Four is that it felt like a pilot for a TV show. As a 'Chris Evans at the Apollo' showcase it works, but as a comic book translation? Nah. It comes off as more of a 'sitcomic book translation.' BA DA BING! Man, I'm just full of 'em today."

July 7, 2005

July 6, 2005

July 5, 2005

"I think I figured out why the movie is called Hide and Seek. It looks like the writers decided to hide about 2/3rds of the way through, and nobody bothered to seek out good writers to finish the script. They should've just called the movie Thriller by Numbers because after the big revelation, somebody just opened their copy of The Big Book of Thriller Clichés and started checking them off the list. It's just so frustrating."

• Commentary by director John Polson, screenwriter Ari Schlossberg, and editor Jeffrey Ford
• 14 deleted/extended scenes with optional director-screenwriter-editor commentary, including four alternate endings
• Rough conceptual sequences (live action intercut with storyboards)
• Making-of featurette

July 1, 2005