BREAKING NEWS - JULY 2006
July 31, 2006
REVIEW: My Super Ex-Girlfriend
"I was hoping for a lot more - well, just more. More plot, more character development, more stand-out scenes.
The result instead is closer to an average film with a couple of good hits and a lot of misfires."
Guylian reviews My Super Ex-Girlfriend, starring Luke
Wilson and Uma Thurman. And you know, the fact that the review mentions "GUYLIAN'S TAKE" and NOT "JOHNNY'S
TAKE" should make it clear that I'm not the one reviewing the movie, but you'd be surprised at how easily
confused some people are. I don't have a picture of Guylian to use in the review, but since she's Australian
I've decided to use a picture of Naomi Watts to serve as a stand-in.
I hope this clears everything up and is cool with everybody. Although I'm pretty sure I'll get at least one
email that says, "Wow, tell Guylian she looks just like Naomi Watts!" Sigh. It sure is getting complicated
to tell people "Hey, I haven't seen My Super Ex-Girlfriend
yet" these days.
Ant Bully Contest
Here's the deal - I don't have the images of the prizes that are being given away, so I won't be setting up
the contest until tomorrow. Quit your whining. Just check back tomorrow and sign up then.
Johnny Betts Quote of the Day
"More" is a state of either want or effort but does not necessarily yield
contentment.
If I wanted to post more on the Movie Mark today then I would have put forth the effort. I didn't, and you
know what? I'm perfectly content with that. There, within that little sentence of pudding, resides the proof
of my original proclamation.
Print it, post it, live it.
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July 28, 2006
REVIEW: Miami Vice
"While Miami Vice is not in the same league as Mann's previous
top-notch action crime dramas Heat and Collateral, it
still delivers cool cars, stunning visuals, excellent attention to detail (Stephanie even remarked on the
'realism' of one female's uneven fingernails), and a lot of gunplay and violence that will catch you off-guard
and jar you from your seat."
Johnny Betts reviews Miami Vice, starring Colin Farrell and
Jamie Foxx.
Coming Next Week
Reviews of The Descent, The Night Listener, and a bad movie or two.
Oh, and on Monday you'll have the opportunity to sign up for The Ant
Bully contest. Sure, I wasn't crazy about the film, but waking up with a horse head in my bed and a
note from Warner Bros. goes a long way in convincing one to agree to have a giveaway for certain films.
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July 27, 2006
REVIEW: The Ant Bully
"The Ant Bully really beats us over the head with its messages
on teamwork, family, and the abuse of power. Here, I'll teach you that lesson real quick - it's good to work
as a team, family is important, and try not to abuse power. I just saved you $8 a pop and 90 minutes of your
time. All I ask in return is a check or Paypal payment for just half of what you would've paid for the entire
family to see this. Thanks, and you're welcome."
Johnny Betts reviews The Ant Bully, the most recent addition
to the catalog of animated movies that simply concentrate on entertaining the youngest of viewers while almost
completely ignoring adults. Can everybody else just give up now and hand over complete animation control to
Pixar? Thanks.
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July 26, 2006
Grind House Cast Finalized
I was sent the latest press release for the upcoming Grind House so I thought I'd pass it along to
you:
Kurt Russell and Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson, Vanessa Ferlito, Jordan Ladd, Rose McGowan, Sydney Tamiia
Poitier, Marley Shelton, Tracie Thoms and Mary Elizabeth Winstead Cast in Quentin Tarantino's Segment of the
Highly Anticipated Film GRINDHOUSE co-directed with Robert Rodriguez.
SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA (July 22, 2006) - Quentin Tarantino has cast Kurt Russell ("The Thing," "Escape from New
York"), Zoe Bell ("Kill Bill"), Rosario Dawson ("Sin City," "Rent," "Clerks II"), Vanessa Ferlito ("24," "CSI:
NY," "Shadowboxer"), Jordan Ladd ("Waiting," Eli Roth's "Cabin Fever"), Rose McGowan ("Charmed," "Scream," and
Robert Rodriguez's "Planet Terror"), Sydney Tamiia Poitier ("Veronica Mars," "Joan of Arcadia"), Marley
Shelton ("Sin City," "Planet Terror"), Tracie Thoms ("Rent") and Mary Elizabeth Winstead ("Final Destination
3," upcoming "Bobby" and "Black Christmas"), in his segment of GRINDHOUSE, the highly anticipated double
feature he is making with Robert Rodriguez, which will include two films joined by faux ads and trailers.
Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR, will be a zombie film, while Tarantino's section, DEATH PROOF, will be a slasher
flick. The announcement was made today by Quentin Tarantino and Dimension Films in front of over 6000 film fans
at the 2006 San Diego Comic Con International, an annual convention for comic book and genre pop culture fans
with over 100,000 attendees.
The ensemble cast for Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR includes Freddy Rodriguez ("Poseidon," "Six Feet Under," "Dead
Presidents"), Rose McGowan, JOSH BROLIN ("Into The Blue," "Hollow Man"), Naveen
Andrews (ABC's "Lost"), Marley Shelton, Michael Biehn ("Alien," "The Abyss"), Stacy Ferguson (also known as
Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, "Poseidon"), Jeff Fahey ("Dark Hunters," "Wyatt Earp"), and Michael Parks
("Kill Bill," "From Dusk Till Dawn").
GRINDHOUSE will be shot in the tradition of the '70s exploitation films that have significantly influenced both
Rodriguez and Tarantino.
Rodriguez is currently in production on PLANET TERROR in Austin, Texas, with Elizabeth Avellan serving as
producer. Tarantino is scheduled to begin shooting DEATH PROOF in Austin in August. Erica Steinberg and
Elizabeth Avellan are serving as producers.
GRINDHOUSE will be released in theatres nationwide on Easter weekend - April 6, 2007.
New Pulse Movie Clip
The studio tells me that Shadowy library + a late night = scary Pulse clip. You can check it out by clicking
on THIS LINK.
Lance Bass Announces He's Gay, Zero People Surprised
Sorry ladies, but the untalented Lance Bass has told People Magazine that he is in fact gay. There's a real
shocker. I'm just waiting for Justin Timberlake to also make it official. He's bringing sexy back, you know?
At least that's what his new lame "song" claims. I never knew sexy was gone, and if she were then I'm pretty
sure she's going nowhere with Timberlake.
Seriously ladies, what's the appeal? Do some of you actually like guys with perms and more estrogen than
you?
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July 25, 2006
Screenings Update
Well, The Night Listener passes went very quickly. However, there are a few passes left for The
Descent. You might want to hurry up and sign up here. Please keep in
mind that if you're in New York, California, etc. that you won't be getting a pass unless you actually show up
in Memphis to attend the screening. Words mean things and the words "anywhere near the Memphis area" mean that those of
you thousands of miles from here are merely exercising futility when you sign up.
Also, don't come crying to me when you roll into the theater at 7:25 and get turned away. I had a problem
with a previous screening I sponsored, and I don't need similar headaches. As always, the print on the passes
clearly state to show up at least an hour before showtime because seating is not guaranteed. The passes also
point out that more passes than seats are given out in order to fill capacity.
Weeeeell, the day after the screening I got a message from a lesser intellect because he showed up at 7:15 and
they told him the theater was already full. Displaying a severe inability to read, he complained that this
wasn't fair. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN LET IN BECAUSE HE HAD A PASS IN HAND! Unfortunately, he didn't have a clue
in head.
I explained the rules as they were CLEARLY PRINTED ON THE PASS. In response to the fact that more passes
are given out than there are seats in the theater, the guy replied, "That's stupid."
Dismissing this irony and the strong temptation to send him a link to an online literacy class, I told him to
ease his worries and just avoid signing up for future screenings. I thanked him for his lack of
appreciation and never heard from him again.
The moral of this story? I'm not in the business of suffering fools gladly. Read the rules on the pass or
follow the rules I will be emailing you in the next few days (if you signed up for a pass). If you ignore
them and decide you'll "avoid the crowd" and show up at 7:25, well, I shan't be shedding any tears if the theater
is full and you're sent along your merry way. Whining to me about it will only make you the subject of a
future Movie Mark article.
Johnny Borders the Line of Good and Bad Taste
- Speaking of borders, Danny Trejo is in 26 movies that are set to be released in
either 2006 or 2007. That's not a typo - TWENTY SIX!!! Danny Trejo!! What on earth?
The only thing I can figure is that all of the networks have decided to do their own made-for-TV capitalizations
on the current immigration issue.
- If you were wondering what Haley Joel Osment is up to these days, well, the two
easiest answers are: 1) Not his neck with movie offers, and 2) Fighting a losing battle with puberty.
If you pay close attention to the news then you know he made rare post-Sixth Sense headlines the
other day by wrecking his car. Despite suffering fractures to his right rib and right shoulder, along with body
lacerations, he's expected to make a full recovery. Police are awaiting test results to determine if Osment
had alcohol or drugs in his body.
I just want to know if he saw dead people.
- Since we're on the subject of car crashes, Daniel Baldwin (AKA "the fat Baldwin")
had one of his own recently when he ran a red light and plowed into a bunch of parked cars while zooming along
at 80 MPH. All while driving with a suspended license. He's currently in the hospital, waiting to inevitably
be charged with drunken driving charges.
Try as I might, I simply can't trump Conan O'Brien's statement on the subject, "Needless to say, the pizzas
didn't get delivered." Man, I wish I could take credit for that one.
On DVD This Week
FINAL DESTINATION 3
"Anyway, this is a movie that's very easy to review. Did you like the first two entries in the Final Destination
franchise? Do you like to watch irritating characters meet unseemly demises? If so then you'll love it. If not
then save your money. I don't want to hear any complaining."
To say Final Destination 3 isn't for everybody is about
as good a bet as laying a wager that Corey Haim will never again star in a theatrically released movie. Read
my review and look at the cover art to determine if this is
worthy of your rental money.
Special Features:
- "Choose Their Fate" feature -- Interactive feature lets you decide the fate of the characters
- Additional scenes
- Alternate endings
- 10-part documentary "Kill Shot: The Making of FD3"
- Featurette: "Dead Teenager Movie" - in-depth look at a sub-genre of horror films
- Original animated short "It's All Around You"
- "Planned Accidents" a look at the making of the rollercoaster
Also on DVD this Week:
The Benchwarmers - Jon Heder, David Spade, AND Rob Schneider all in one comedy?
Yeah buddy! I'm so NOT there. I didn't bother to go see this one for free when it was screened in Memphis, so
you know I'm not even gonna be tempted to throw $4 and change at it. I'd rather put that money towards something
that will give me more entertainment value - like a mocha Frappuccino.
If you really want to get the most out of your hard-earned money then I recommend picking up Tom Petty's
Highway Companion CD which is released today. I've heard it, and it's top-notch.
If you're not a fan of Tom Petty then you might as well just throw away your CD player because you simply have
no musical taste.
Coming This Week
In addition to reviews for Ant Bully and Miami Vice, I'll be writing a bad movie review for what
I'm dubbing the "Snakehead Trilogy." Many of you have been begging for more bad movie reviews, and I've got a
few in the queue, so I've heard your pleas and I'm gonna start delivering. First up? I think I'm gonna go
with Frankenfish.
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July 24, 2006
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of The Night Listener
Are you anywhere near the Memphis area, and would you like to see a FREE, ADVANCED screening of The Night Listener?
Well, thanks to your friends at the Movie Mark and Miramax, you have the ability to do that.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 50 people to sign up
will receive a pass. Thanks for participating.
What: Advanced Screening of The Night Listener
When: Thursday, August 3rd at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
There are also passes left for the upcoming screening of The Descent. Please
click here if you'd like to attend.
If that's not enough free stuff for you then you can still enter the Lady in the
Water contest. And the good thing about that is you don't have to be in Memphis to have a chance
to win!
UPDATE: Grind House
I know the combination of Josh Brolin, Quentin Tarantino, and Robert Rodriguez was already enough to have all of
you salivating over the upcoming Grind House. Aw, who I am kidding, Josh Brolin alone was enough to have
you chomping at the bit. But can you believe that this project just became even cooler?
Yep - Tarantino confirmed this weekend at San Diego's Comic-Con that Kurt Russell will play Stuntman Mike in
his Death Proof portion of Grind House. It has been long-rumored that Mickey Rourke would take
the role, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, that is not the case.
That's fine with me. It would have been a good role for Rourke, but I'm a Kurt Russell fan, so you can count me
a happy moviegoer. Josh Brolin, Kurt Russell, Quentin Tarantino, and Robert Rodriquez all for the price of
one movie ticket. I'll be shocked if this doesn't kick all sorts of Rosie O'Donnell-sized rumpage.
And The Joker Is...
It was announced the other day, via too many outlets to mention, that Heath Ledger has accepted an offer to
portray the Joker in the upcoming Batman sequel. I'm not really sure how I feel about this choice,
but for now I'll trust that Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing. I'm just dreading the mad rush of
Brokeback Batman jokes. They'll be worn thinner than Nichole Ritchie after her hourly purging.
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July 21, 2006
REVIEW: Lady in the Water
"I don't want to say too much about the story elements because as in all of Shyamalan's movies, the less you
know the better (though there are no huge Sixth Sense-esque twists).
Lady in the Water is just a fun, light-hearted, interesting
tale about a group of seemingly insignificant people who come to learn that they all have a purpose and a part
to play. If that seems like too much of a 'Sunday School' lesson to some critics then they're more than welcome
to head to Wal-Mart and buy a box of Kleenex. It's next to the Industrial-sized nitpickers they love so
well."
Johnny Betts reviews Lady in the Water, starring Paul
Giamatti and Bryce Dallas Howard. At the same time, he takes on the "mainstream" critics who he most often
disagrees with. Good times will be had by all, unless you're a critic who knows how to use a thesaurus
more effectively than a clever turn of phrase.
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of The Descent
Are you anywhere near the Memphis area, and would you like to see a FREE, ADVANCED screening of The Descent?
Well, thanks to your friends at the Movie Mark and Lion's Gate, you have the ability to do that.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 100 people to sign up
will receive a pass. Thanks for participating.
What: Advanced Screening of The Descent
When: Tuesday, August 1 at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Majestic in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Don't Hassel the Hoff
Stephanie, in an extreme example of "too much Internet surfing time on her hands," came across the "Hofficial"
merchandise store for David Hasselhoff. Good news! He has "Don't Hassel the Hoff" shirts for sale. The bad
news? THEY COST $40!!!!!! Sheesh. To quote Steph, "What a rip hoff."
Johnny Betts Quote of the Day
I saw a woman with 1970s Farrah Fawcett flybacks the other day. I immediately assumed we must've finally
invented time travel.
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July 20, 2006
Movie Mark Original #16
Title: Black & Decker
Tagline: They're the Biggest Tools Around.
Cast: Mario Lopez, David Hasselhoff, Edward James Olmos
Plot Summary: When strange and unexplained amorphous formations begin washing up
on Miami beaches, formations that somewhat resemble Rosie O'Donnell stepping out of the shower; no one in the
police department is willing to volunteer to investigate. Lieutenant Alfonso Riviera Soriano Rodriguez Y
Vasquez (Olmos) decides to put two of his biggest headaches on the case - Sergeant James T. Black (Hasselhoff),
a man who has a strange habit of calling everybody "Kit," and Sergeant Slater Decker (Lopez), a young Latino cop
who joins the Force in a desperate attempt to win back the love of his girlfriend Kelly who left him to be with
an NYPD officer named Zach.
Black & Decker are a couple of hotshot prima donnas who seem to have no desire to get along with anybody else on
the Force. Vasquez strongly believes that partnering them will adjust their attitudes.
But what good will attitude adjustments do them when they figure out that the amorphous formations are not of
this world? Why are they here, and more specifically, why are they appearing on Miami beaches? Toolishness
ensues.
Climactic Scene: During what will come to be known as a "climactic finale consisting of
offensively bad CGI and laugh-out-loud-bad acting" Black & Decker will be in a lackluster shoot-out with the
amorphous aliens. The epic battle will make its way to a church where Black will be trapped by one of the
aliens, soon to meet his demise. Luckily, Decker will show up just in time and fire off a few rounds at the
church bell, causing it to land on the alien, thus saving Black's life.
Decker will turn to the camera, remove the cigar from his mouth, wink at the camera, and reply, "Saved by
the Bell." Black will inexplicably burst out in celebratory song.
Fade to black and roll credits.
Director's note: A rudimentary understanding of Saved by the Bell and Mario Lopez is necessary for
completely appreciating the genius of this Movie Mark original.
Take a look at my other Movie Mark Originals right here.
Coming Tomorrow...
My review of M. Night Shyamalan's Lady in the Water, a review that will be drastically different than
those of all the toolish critics who are inexplicably bashing it.
Oh, and in addition to my upcoming promotion of the screening of The Descent, I'll also be sponsoring a
screening of The Night Listener. Keep an eye out for both of those sign-ups early next week. In fact,
the sign-up for The Descent might start tomorrow.
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July 19, 2006
Hasselhoff Begs Us to Make Fun of Him
It's getting to the point where the only thing I'll need to do to run this website is provide daily Hasselhoff
links and throw in a review now and then. The guy's an automatic entertainment machine. The sad thing is he's
trying his best to be taken seriously.
But how can we take a guy seriously who laments over the fact that he has had to drop out of a "pantomime"
production of Peter Pan? Pantomime? Seriously? Thanks to my head Hoff consultant Nikki Bluejeans for
that bit of news. The Hoff closes out that section of his blog by apologizing to all three of his fans, "I know
many of you were looking forward to a trip to London to see me and I'm sorry to disappoint you."
If anybody was actually planning an expensive trip to London for the sole purpose of watching The Hoff in a
pantomime production of Peter Pan then I encourage you to step forward now so that you may receive the
beating that you so richly deserve. It's only then that true healing can begin.
Pantomime? Oh brother.
We're not through just yet. Check out the following video:
The Hoff in Jekyll & Hyde
Now I could proceed to make some very disparaging comments and rip the guy apart, but I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to rise above such actions and show that I don't always have to go for the easy insults. That's
right; I'm gonna let Ms. Bluejeans do that herself. She pretty much says everything I was thinking:
"The very beginning - and then the 'confrontation' itself at about 2:00 in ...
priceless!!! There's even a shocking exposure at the end...
It reminds me of an awkward high school kid singing in front of an audience for the first time. The cheesy
over-annunciation, the nervous vibrato, the horrendous over-acting, the unrelenting pitch-problems ... It is
truly painful for me to sit through. This crap was on Broadway??? I'd much rather subject myself to awful
special effects and bizarre-ly goofy antics than endure that number again, let alone the full-length DVD (and
I have seen it - shaking my head and giggling under my breath as the oblivious Broadway-crazy group I saw it
with watched in utter awe).
It's too bad, too, because the music in that show is really fantastic. They could have had anyone record this
for posterity, but they chose Captain Cheese instead. (sigh)"
There's a full-length DVD of that? Ouch. To the un-trained ear (my ear, to be exact), that was just a
laughable performance. But Nikki knows a little something about the subject (she has a degree in Vocal
Performance, after all), so I figured her comments would help add a little weight to the Hoff criticism.
I'm still waiting for ONE person to sincerely tell me they think this guy is truly the squirrel's cheeks (my
new term that will slowly erase "bee's knees" from our language) when it comes to singing and musical
performance.
The man is now judging talent, folks.
As always, you can find more juicy Hasselhoff bits by reading The Hoff
Report.
Paranoia - Am I the Only One?
I spent a couple of hours working on my truck this weekend - the bulk of which included replacing my battery
and cleaning the corrosion around my cables with a baking soda/water concoction. At the time I thought it was
super cool how my little concoction would bubble and fizz and turn bluish green as it fought the corrosion.
I dismissed the odd smell as nothing more than a mere annoyance.
Three days later and what seems to be a weird breathing pattern that has surfaced, and everything doesn't seem
quite as funny anymore. Maybe this is just something that'll pass. Surely, inhaling battery acid fumes and
carnauba wax for a couple of hours can't inflict any real long-term damage. This all has to be a coincidence,
right?
Back when I was 18 and needlessly waxing my '69 Camaro a couple of times a week, stuff like this wouldn't
bother me. "Hey Baker's Dozen, I spent four hours waxing my car yesterday and now my eyes feel a little
funny." "Really? Well, I read in such-and-such car magazine the other day that overexposure to carnauba
wax has been found to cause cancer in lab rats." "Wow. That'd be wild. If that happened to me then I could
probably get on talk shows or something cool like that."
Once you hit 30 that kind of stuff is seen from a completely different viewpoint. "Oh crap. Am I breathing a
little differently today? Is it the corrosion from the battery cables? DID I INHALE TOO MUCH OF IT????"
Then I place my hand, which doesn't have a medical degree, over my heart to see if I can diagnose any
irregularities. "Wait! That last beat was about 1/4th of a second different than the previous! WAS THAT A
HEART PALPITATION?!?!"
The next couple of hours are spent on Google seeing what I can find through search terms such as "breathing
irregularity symptoms seriousness" and "breathing problems inhaling battery acid."
I know what you're thinking - just go to the doctor, get checked out, and put my fears to ease. Screw that
noise. The last time I went to the doctor was a few years ago because I had some symptoms of acid reflux.
Despite my attempts to tell the doctor that I was pretty sure that's what it was, he insisted on checking to
see if my heart was all right. He sent me to somebody else who had me run on a treadmill for 12 minutes and then
he checked my pulse and said, "Yep, you're heart's perfectly fine. You're in top physical health. Must be acid
reflux. I'm not even sure why the other doctor sent you here."
That was cute because since that was an out-patient scenario my health insurance only covered part of it, and I
ended up paying $190 to jog for 12 minutes. So you can understand my reluctance to rush to the doctor
whenever my body's functioning slightly different than the day before.
I know this doesn't have much to do with the movies, but just keep in mind that if all of a sudden the Movie Mark
isn't updated for a few days then that probably means things were more serious than I expected and I probably
should've gone to the doctor rather than making light of the situation.
Let's hope it doesn't get to that.
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July 18, 2006
Movie Horror Story Tuesday
Once again, the mentally disabled have invaded the theaters. Now look, I've said it before and I'll say it
again when another similar story crops up - love those who are mentally-challenged. Hug them, spend time
with them, and donate to their charities. But don't feel guilty if you choose not to sit behind them at the
movies.
Read Kellee's horror story for another example
of why.
Poison and Cinderella Comin' to the Mighty Banks of the Mississippi
You read that right, folks. A couple of 80s hair rock bands are on their way to Memphis, 20 years past their
prime! I had no idea they were still alive, let alone still together. All of you out-of-towners better start
making your trip plans now because Memphis is gonna be unskinny boppin' on Mud Island at the end of August!
I'm almost tempted to go just to "people watch." You know that's gonna be some sweet action. Prepare to witness
a plethora of lighters wavin' in the air as Bret "Modern Day Prophet" Michaels and others whose hairlines have
receded halfway up the skull crank out chilling renditions of Something to Believe In and Every Rose Has
its Thorn. And by "chilling" I mean "fairly sad." At some point Cinderella will play their one hit, and it's
not likely anybody will care.
I can guarantee at least one person will utter, "I thought that was an AC/DC song" as they tear through Shake
Me. And by "tear through" I mean "make it through without any of the band members having a massive
coronary."
Tears will flow from the faces of multiple 50-year-old women who had to employ the services of a couple of
crowbars to fit into their 1985 Poison tour shirts. Shirts that should have been left resting comfortably at
the bottom of the drawer.
Laugh along as you watch people recognize and sing-along with only three or four songs and then uncomfortably
try to figure out how to pass the rest of the time. Laugh even louder as Poison attempts to stretch this into
a full concert and experiments with whether they can get away with playing Nothin' But a Good Time more
than once.
I'm not exactly sure how much tickets are, but I can almost guarantee you that they'll be overpriced. But can
you truly put a price on the intrinsic entertainment value of watching bands who haven't been relevant since
jelly shoes try to reclaim a little of that old frizzy-haired glory? Head downtown and have a good laugh at
everybody else's expense. It's just another trait that makes America so great.
News of the Hollyweird - the Paris Hilton Edition
Due to their obvious ease of use, Paris Hilton jokes are something I try not to use as a comedic crutch, but
this time's she's just gone too far not to warrant a reaction from good ol' Johnny B. She recently told the
UK's Sunday Times (on Sunday, I'm guessing), "There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade
has an iconic blonde — like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana — and right now, I’m that icon."
Uh huh. Try putting on enough weight to hold up your clothes before you start throwing out Marilyn
Monroe comparisons, thanks. She went on to boast, "They did a poll in the States asking people who they’d most
like to see at a party — and it was me."
She left out the fact that the actual question asked who people would most like to see gut-punched at a party,
but hey, why split hairs?
Could somebody please get the memo to her that without daddy she'd be nothing more than a cashier at Old Navy or
the Gap. It seems to have gotten lost in the mail.
What a female tool.
Read more News of the Hollyweird RIGHT HERE!
More on The Descent Screening
Remember the info I posted yesterday about the upcoming screening of The Descent? I sure hope you do,
else you have a memory problem that most likely needs immediate medical attention. Anyway, I appreciate the
feedback I've already received, but I need more Memphis-area volunteers. Come on, y'all aren't too shy to
scream in public are you? Surely you have some cool cave photos to share, right?
You get to see a movie for free and you'll have a chance to win other cool stuff so
send me an email and indicate your interest.
Ed King's Picture Added
Just to add a little spice to yesterday's early review of World Trade Center, Mr. Ed King was kind enough
to send me a picture of him in a little guitar action. Check it out below.
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July 17, 2006
EARLY REVIEW: World Trade Center
It is with great honor that I am allowed to divulge the identity of one of the most distinguished Movie Marks.
The majority of you are probably familiar with a Southern rock band that goes by the name of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
You're also most likely familiar with what many refer to as the greatest Stratocaster guitar riff in rock history -
if you don't instantly recognize Sweet Home Alabama then I dare say you're no true rock 'n roll fan.
Well, it is my privilege to introduce to you the author of that guitar lick - guitarist of Strawberry Alarm Clock
and Lynyrd Skynyrd and 2006 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductee - ladies and gentlemen ... ED KING!
If you understood how many Skynyrd and Creedence tapes I wore out on my 8-track converter in my '69 Camaro during
my formative high school years then you'd understand my excitement. Being the old-fashioned, classic rock lovin'
Southern boy that I am, Skynyrd, Creedence, and Tom Petty made up my high school soundtrack. But enough of all
that. Mr. King recently attended an advanced screening of Oliver Stone's upcoming World Trade Center,
and he was kind enough to send me his observations...
Me and the wife were invited by CMT tonight to a special screening of Oliver Stone's
World Trade Center. No intro, no closing credits, NO PREVIEWS ... it was a rough cut but I don't see how Stone
could make it any better. For me, the best Stone movie ever ... he could've done all of that sensational BS he
usually does ... but he didn't. Very well told, true rescue story. About 2 hours long ... I was dreading a 3
hour bloodfest. Stone came through big time. Excellent SETS. Attention to detail. And you never see a plane
hitting a building. If you're claustrophobic, you might need to avoid it. It's like being buried under the
rubble.
I must say, this really piqued my interest. But this is Oliver Stone. Surely there are some wild conspiracy
theories that will detract from the rest of the film, right? I was a little shocked that Stone may have left
out such content so I asked Ed about this and he responded...
Surprised?! Yeah, me too.
I've read the true story on 3 web sites and looks like Stone followed the story pretty much down to the letter.
Oliver's grown UP.
And just in case our interest isn't quite high enough, Ed added a couple of final thoughts...
Did I mention .... when the first tower falls, everybody's in the shopping mall underneath
and the rumbling slowly grows into a deafening roar that's unforgettable. And you never see a plane. The
entire viewpoint is from the police crew and they have no idea what's going on ... they just know there are
people who need to get out. The movie must be pretty good. I keep thinking about it.
My initial fears about this movie have now subsided, and I'm glad to know I can go see the film without worrying
about a bunch of wild, radical, self-indulgent theories that would do nothing but annoy and aggravate me.
Thanks again to Ed King for this early review. Check out his
official website for all sorts of cool info - discographies, biographies, galleries, recollections, and more.
And please, if you're one of those kids who thinks Simple Man is "a Shinedown song" then do yourself a favor
and go buy a Lynyrd Skynyrd album, listen to that Stratocaster riff, and get a full understanding of why a Southern
man doesn't need Neil Young around anyhow.
World Trade Center opens everywhere on August 9th.
UPCOMING SCREENING: The Descent
I've been given the opportunity to participate in an upcoming screening for the new horror film The Descent.
There are some opportunities to give out a bunch of cool prizes, but I'm gonna need YOUR participation. How many
of you in the Memphis area would be willing to participate in the following?
- Best Cave Photo Contest
- Screaming Contest
- Eating Contest
- "Javelin Throwing" Contest
- Into the Madness Photo Contest
So would YOU be willing to participate for a chance to win some prizes? We're talking prizes that could include
camping gear, certificates to go on a cave tour, etc. Please send me
an email and let me know if you'd be willing to do this so that I can indicate to the studio that there is
enough interest.
If you've signed on as a Movie Mark in the past then you may receive an email from me today with more info.
Come on, let's show everybody how much fun free movie screenings can really be.
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July 14, 2006
REVIEW: You, Me and Dupree
"Some of the humor is a little too conventional and predictable, and the dramatic dialogue isn't exactly the
most compelling to grace the screen, so no, this isn't gonna go down in the Book of Comedy Classics, nor do I
feel a necessity to pencil it in as a future addition to my DVD collection (unless the special features are
loaded with Kateness). But I found You, Me and Dupree to be
a fun, light-hearted, silly way to take a 2-hour break from the real world. Its greatest strength is in its
likable cast and their chemistry, and I appreciate the charm it displayed in never taking itself too
seriously."
Johnny Betts reviews You, Me and Dupree, starring Owen Wilson,
Kate Hudson, and Matt Dillon. For all you Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared fans out there, you'll
be happy to know that Seth Rogen appears in the movie, albeit too briefly. Michael Douglas also displays the
power of facelifts.
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July 13, 2006
Contest Winners
All right, are you ready to find out if you won some free stuff? Here are the lucky ones:
Sarah Garvey of Ohio - Grand Prize winner of the
Lake House grand prize - a journal, keychain, and poster.
Jane Tate of Memphis - Runner-up winner of a
Lake House poster.
David Chamberlain of Memphis - Grand Prize winner of the
Superman Returns kid's tee, teaser poster, and one sheet
poster.
Kelly Powers of California - Runner-up winner of the Superman
Returns teaser poster and one sheet poster.
Congratulations. I'll send your information to Warner Bros. and they'll send your prizes to you. Keep in
mind that it may take a few weeks for you to receive them.
For those of you who are broken-hearted and dispirited because you didn't win, well, pick that chin up, chicos
and chicas! Head over to the contests page and enter for your chance to win the
Lady in the Water contest.
The Ferryman
You may or may not remember that previously I have mentioned my interest in the upcoming New Zealand horror
film The Ferryman. Those of you who are tired of some of today's horror films that are designed to
scare 12 year old girls might want to keep your eyes on this one.
Check out my Ferryman info page for more details and
a couple of nice pics. The trailer is coming soon.
Are Any of You Ladies Dating a John Tucker?
Click here to find out. Oh, and guys, you can check out the page to
see if you're a John Tucker, but I have a feeling this interactive marketing campaign will appeal mostly to my
teenage female readers.
It looks like Myspace really is taking over the world.
A Good Way to Waste Entirely Too Much Time
A new show called Psych debuted on the USA Network this past week. The show follows the adventures of
a novice sleuth (James Roday) who is hired by the police after he cons them into thinking he has psychic powers
that help solve crimes. With the assistance of his reluctant best friend (Dule Hill) the duo take on a series of
complicated cases.
Of course, this means that the show has some sort of cutesy online game to try to hook you in and grab your
attention. I have to admit; it's fairly addictive. If you want to test your observational skills then
try out the Psych Eye Spy Challenge. I'm warning you - you
have to be quick! Have fun, but don't let it occupy too much of your time. It'll drive you crazy. Trust
me.
UPCOMING MOVIE: The Protector
I know some of you readers are fans of modern Kung Fu movies such as Ong Bak. OK, so I only know of one
of you for sure COUGH Guy HACK. Well, in case you're interested, there's a new Tony Jaa film coming to the U.S.
via Hong Kong, and it's said to have some impressive Muay Thai action. I'm sure all you ladies are quickly
making plans to go check it out.
The most surprising thing about the film is that it's not arriving with the "Quentin Tarantino Presents" label
attached to it. What up with that? Anyway, check out my cute little Protector
page if you'd like a little more info.
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July 12, 2006
CONTEST: Lady in the Water
Everywhere I go, people ask me, "Johnny, you're the movie expert. Do you have any idea where I can find a
Lady in the Water towel?" Well, good news! Thanks to your friends at Warner Bros. and the Movie Mark,
you now have a chance to win one of those towels. And a poster! So what are you waiting for? Make good use
of your mouse and click on over to the contests page
and enter for your chance to win.
Winners for the Superman Returns and
The Lake House contests will be announced tomorrow. Now you
have to check back, don't ya?
The Hoff Report
Good news! There are even more embarrassing David Hasselhoff music videos for us to laugh at. Take three
minutes of your time and "enjoy" the Hoff's video for
Jump into my Car. You know you can't resist the temptation, so
CLICK HERE NOW!
This video clearly answers the question "Does David Hasselhoff have any shame?" with a resounding "NO!" You
gotta love the Hoff's ability to not only pay tribute to Knight Rider and Baywatch but also
to coin such clever *ahem* phrases as "Don't Hassel the Hoff" and "Hot Cup of Hoffee" all in a mere THREE
MINUTES! How does the guy do it?
We should all be so lucky as to have been blessed with such God-given talent.
The girls at the beginning of the video should have trusted their instinct not to jump in his car. Come on,
the guy just exudes a creepy, perverted aura. The funniest thing about the video (to me, at least) is I
initially thought the girls sang "I know you're gay," but I quickly realized they were actually singing "I know
your game."
I think the way I heard it is more accurate.
Thanks to Jasper G. for the tip. You can read more Hoff Reports right
here. Feel free to email me any and all embarrassing Hoff
news that you think would fit perfectly in a future Hoff Report.
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July 11, 2006
Movie Horror Story Tuesday
I've got three new reader-submitted horror stories for you today. Chances are you'll be able to relate to at
least one, and most likely all three, of them. Check them out, and give special heed to what I've deemed to
be the morals of the stories. They're lessons we all need to learn or pass on to those who have yet to learn
them:
Kelly Clarkson News - Because It's My Site and I Can
It was reported last week that Kelly Clarkson had been signed to a modeling deal for some fitness drink that
I've never heard of called Vitamin Water. Along with these reports came rumors that Vitamin Water was forcing
her to lose weight before she could do photo shoots.
However, I have just received word (from a bunch of junk I looked up on Google) that Clarkson and her publicist
are denying these claims. I don't know if weight loss is in Ms. Clarkson's future, and to be honest, I never
thought there'd come a time when I would quote Sir Mix-A-Lot in a serious manner. But if somehow Kelly is a
Bett-head and is reading the Movie Mark right now then please allow me to leave you with a few words of advice,
"You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt."
Somehow it just seems appropriate.
Johnny Betts, fighting for feminine curves' rights. Because somebody has to.
Johnny Betts, the Movie Reviewer Who Looks Like Jesus
Due to a studly lethal combination of long, dark, wavy hair; cool-guy beard; and chiseled facial features, I
find myself constantly being referred to as Jesus. The other day I went to work out (AKA exercise), and when I
walked over to the weights somebody yelled out, "Hey, it's Jesus!" Somebody else replied, "I was thinking the
same thing." This led to someone coming up to me and saying, "Will you remember me when I die? My name is
Drew." Everybody seemed to be on their best behavior while I was there. It's quite the interesting phenomenon.
Then last night while I was working out some dude asked if I wanted to play basketball. They had seven guys
and needed an extra for even teams. When the team captains were choosing their players, one of them said, "I'll
take Jesus." Throughout the course of the game, whenever I'd take a shot one of the guys on my team would always
yell out, "Jesus with the shot!" The good thing about this is whenever I'd make a basket I could use cute little
catchphrases such as, "It's like walkin' on water."
I just wish I had some miraculous powers to ease this morning's aching muscles. Sprinting up and down a basketball
court for a couple of hours has its way of waking you up quite rudely.
All this is to say if you're in Memphis and you're at a future movie screening and you see a handsome, muscular
guy who resembles Jesus and looks like he's quite hilarious and modest almost to a fault then you can assume
it's me and feel free to introduce yourself. If you come up to me and say, "Well, you do look a little like
Jesus, but the 'handsome' and 'hilarious' parts are questionable" then I'll just chalk it up to you having
bad taste.
In case you're wondering, no, the Jesus comparisons don't bother me at all. Why should they? However, I'll say
that if you ever find yourself in a position where people are yelling out, "Hey, it's Michael Moore!" or "Look,
it's Rosie O'Donnell!" then please take that as a sign that it's time you make some major lifestyle changes.
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July 10, 2006
REVIEW: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
"POTC2:DMC is the ultimate summer blockbuster. It’s not really
going to win any Academy Awards, as it isn’t pretentious enough for the Academy voters, but you might see a few
nominations (Johnny Depp was nominated for his role in the first movie, so why not this one?). If you want
2 1/2 hours of rip-roaring, swashbuckling, hi-larious fun, get thee to the theater, matey, and see this film."
Thanks to Disney's decision not to do any promotional screenings for the movie (they didn't even have a press
screening in Memphis, jerks!), I have yet to see this one. I hope to check it out this weekend, and I'll add my
two cents at that time. However, Ms. Cali saw it and has submitted her
review, which, like most of the gals of the Movie Mark, is short and sweet.
POTC2:DMC is a prime example of how out-of-touch the "mainstream"
critics are with "mainstream" movie audiences. According to Rottentomatoes, Pirates only has a 53%
favorable rating, giving it the classification of "rotten." It has an even worse rating amongst critics who
are considered "cream of the crop," scoring favorably with only 43% of them.
However, exit polling indicated that 92% of moviegoers rated the movie as either "excellent" or "very good."
Everybody I know who has seen the movie has recommended it to me. I have no doubt that I'll enjoy it, further
justifying my claim to truly speak for the people.
Of course, if somehow I end up hating the movie then I'll have to figure out a creative way to do some major
backtracking, but that's a bridge I'll cross if and when I ever come to it.
Coming this Week
- A few horror stories I've got in the queue.
- My review of You, Me and Dupree (which I'll be seeing tomorrow).
- An info page for the upcoming New Zealand horror flick The Ferryman.
- A Lady in the Water contest sign-up.
- An announcement of the contest winners for Superman Returns
and The Lake House.
- The ensuing of much more hilarity.
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July 7, 2006
REVIEW: Wordplay
"Do you like crossword puzzles? Ever wondered what the rules of making a crossword are? Do you know the
importance of the 'Sunday Morning Breakfast Test'? Perhaps you've sat around and reflected on who makes the
best crossword puzzle solvers. Or maybe you've just always wanted to know what a handful of celebrities think
about the crossword phenomenon. If any of that sounds familiar then you'll find a certain amount of interest
in Wordplay.
Or NerdFest 2006, if you like."
Johnny Betts reviews Wordplay, playing in Memphis exclusively
at the Ridgeway Four, AKA Memphis' worst theater.
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July 6, 2006
News of the Hollyweird
- Gotta Love Those Scientific Studies. The New York Times reported that a study
conducted by Nielsen Entertainment showed that 83% of moviegoers who see ten or more movies per year in theaters
also "frequently" or "sometimes" buy the DVD of many of the same movies.
Wow. That's some groundbreaking stuff right there.
Seriously, who would have thought that people who see a movie at the theater "sometimes" buy that movie on DVD?
Here are some recent conclusions that the Movie Mark has made based on its own private studies:
- "Most" moviegoers have indicated that they "probably won't" buy DVDs of movies they see at the theater but
don't like.
- The "majority" of moviegoers "often" go to the theater for the "primary reason" of "seeing a movie."
"Socializing" and "eating overpriced, heart-attack inducing snacks" also made the list of reasons.
- Approximately 87% of all moviegoers enjoy 65% of the movies they go see 55% more if they are able to see the
movies for free.
- "Some" moviegoers have suggested that they are "more likely" to see a movie if it stars someone who they "really
like."
These are the facts, folks, there's nothing I can do about that.
- Sophia Loren Strikes a Pose? IMDb is reporting that Sophia Loren could possibly
be posing nude for next year's edition of the legendary Pirelli Calendar. Apparently it's so legendary that
I've never heard of it.
You gotta love IMDb's politically correct stance on the "old woman posing nude" subject. If she does indeed
strip, they comment on how it's "at the impressive age of 71."
Impressive? How is that impressive? How about using this line: "at the too-old-to-be-posing-nude age of 71"?
I think that works a little better.
You know how overweight stars like Star Jones will excuse their obesity by claiming they have "curves in all
the right places"? Well, will the calendar claim that Ms. Loren "sags in all the right places"? Just curious.
- Ashley Judd Gets Out of Rehab. Apparently, Ms. Judd entered rehab to deal with
issues of her past. If you've heard her mom sing then you most likely understand her situation.
I would like to clear up one misunderstanding from the news article. When comparing herself to her sister,
Wynona, she states, "Supposedly, my sister was the 'messed-up' one and I was the 'perfect' one."
Actually, Wynona is known as the "ugly" one and you're known as the "hot" one. I know I'll catch some flak for
pointing out this FACT, but I'm used to it.
- Spears and K-Fed's Vacation Photos Stolen. I'm begging somebody, anybody to send me
a single reason why one person in America should care. Go ahead; give it your best shot.
- Star Jones Refuses to Leave the Limelight. No-talent shrew Star Jones' website
seems pretty proud to point out that it's received messages from thousands of people asking who they can
contact at ABC about her being fired from the estrogen-fest The View. What the site doesn't make clear
is that the people want to contact ABC so they can thank them.
At least that's what my email said.
Jones goes on to say she couldn't have survived her stupid ordeal if not for the support of her fans. Which
begs the question - Star Jones has fans? No, seriously?
Yeah, boo hoo, Star. Go wipe your tears with the millions of dollars you have. Wainch.
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July 5, 2006
The Hoff Report
David Hasselhoff just refuses to go away. If he's not making news by slicing tendons while shaving then he's
busy getting mad at Wimbledon because he isn't allowed into certain private functions. He reportedly went so
far as to defiantly yell, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Hoff!" The Hoff. The man is now speaking in the
3rd-person and calling himself "The Hoff." Yep, I'd say it's time this jackalope received a Johnny Betts reality
check.
If you're new to the Movie Mark then you may have missed The Hoff's
Hooked on a Feeling video the first time
I posted it. It's one of the cheesiest, most hilariously bad things I've ever seen in my life.
Check it out if you haven't already done so.
Not bad, huh? There's some real talent there. Well, I've got good news! The Hoff decided to grace us with another
horrific music video. This one's for his incredible rendition of Secret Agent Man. And by "incredible"
I mean "incredibly lame." Go ahead; watch
The Hoff demonstrate why he'd make the worst James Bond ever.
Have you had enough yet? Well too bad. You're getting some more. This last video isn't a The Hoff exclusive.
There are a lot of celebrities embarrassing themselves in this one. I present to you...
Stop the Madness.
This is one of those stupid 1980s "public service" videos where a bunch of celebrities get together and pretend
they're making a difference. We Are the World was bad enough, but this takes "blight on the ol' resume" to
a whole new level.
Don't get me wrong; I have no problem with the anti-drug message that the video is trying to send. My problem is
with the fact that somebody thought the way to send the message was by getting a bunch of celebrities and people
together and having them flail their arms around while wearing really bad clothing and sporting ridiculous hair
styles. I almost felt the need to experiment with drugs after sitting through this video.
The real madness that needs to be stopped is the "celebrity PSA videos." There haven't been any in a while, but
just you wait; Bono and friends will be singing about AIDS in Africa before too long, and it won't accomplish
anything except embarrassing a whole bunch of folk. It'll be called "Aid not AIDS" or something the complete
opposite of clever like that.
The video is way too long (over five minutes), but it's worth it just to see Arnold Schwarzenegger smiling like
a buffoon and The Hoff appearing in some girl's mirror telling her to stop the madness. I'll give them credit -
if I were on drugs and The Hoff's hairy chest showed up in my mirror then I'd most likely be convinced to head
to rehab and seek help.
Check it out.
After watching all this, just keep in mind that this is the man who was asked to be a judge on America's Got
Talent. Yeah.
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July 4, 2006
REVIEW: The Devil Wears Prada
"As far as entertainment value goes, The Devil Wears Prada
is actually pretty good. It's well acted, funny at times, and doesn't get overly sappy with its message.
But it's that message that I had the biggest problem with."
Ms. Cali reviews The Devil Wears Prada, starring
Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Please note, this is MS. CALI reviewing the movie! Not Johnny. Johnny wants
to make it perfectly clear that he would not pay money to see the movie. That's why it's Ms. Cali (rather than
Johnny) that's handling reviewing duties. Any questions?
"Who's reviewing the movie?"
Ms. Cali.
"Not Johnny?"
No, not Johnny.
I was gonna provide a couple of David Hasselhoff links today for all of y'all to enjoy, but I think I will save
them until tomorrow. Enjoy Ms. Cali's review for the 4th, and then come back tomorrow for an extra day of
fireworks - of the Hasselhoff variety.
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July 3, 2006
The Sci-Fi Channel Report
Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter's Cove - Skip it. All the "good" stuff is in the
commercials. If you've seen the "Have you heard about the pirate movie? It's rated aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh." joke
then you've seen all you need to. An undead pirate goes around cutting heads off. Fake blood ensues.
It's really quite boring. I did chuckle when one guy's head got sliced off and then bounced around on the ground
like a Wham-O Super Ball. Norman Stingley would've been proud. Or not.
All right, all right. Just so you won't send me angry emails asking who Mr. Stingley is - he was a chemist who
invented the original Super Ball in 1965. You're welcome.
Check out previous Sci-Fi Channel reports right here.
The Movie Mark Helps Broken Trail Break Records
Good news, folks - AMC's Broken Trail scored a 7.6 household
rating June 25, translating into 6.7 million households and 9.8 million viewers, according to Nielsen Media
Research data.
AMC officials said the household mark made Broken Trail the
second-highest-delivered original telefilm in basic-cable history, behind only the 7.7 million households that
tuned into TNT's airing of another Western -- Crossfire Trail, starring Tom Selleck, Jan. 21, 2001.
Broken Trail easily shattered AMC's previous ratings record:
a 2.7 generated last July for the premiere of its fully restored and digitally remastered showing of John
Wayne's The High and the Mighty, which had not been seen by the public, at that time, in more than a
quarter-century. That presentation attracted 3.3 million viewers.
I like to sit around and think that Johnny Betts and all the movie marks out there had a little something to do
with it. You're welcome, AMC. You're welcome.
No Pirates Screening
Bad news - All nationwide promotional screenings of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest have
been cancelled. Many of you know this already, but those of you in Memphis who have been wondering why I haven't
advertised the ticket giveaway that I had mentioned a while back, well, there's your answer.
The movie is only being screened for critics in some of the larger markets. Memphis is not one of them.
Therefore, I will not be able to screen this at all. Bummer. You mean I'll have to finally pay to see a movie?
We'll see if that happens. I'm torn because I really do want to see this one on the big screen. I have some
big decisions to make in the next week or so.
The reason I was given for the cancelled screenings is that Walt Disney felt like Pirates had enough buzz
behind it, and they decided to direct the marketing budget to other areas. I suppose that means they determined
it'd be better to put a few more toys in Happy Meals.
Have no fear; I will be screening another movie that receives a wider release this weekend -
Wordplay. Those of you who are lookin' to get down and funky with some
crossword-lovin' action will be quite pleased. The documentary is one giant nerd fest (it'll make Star Trek
fans feel cool), but it really is quite interesting.
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