BREAKING NEWS - JULY 2007
July 31, 2007
On DVD this Week
  
300 - Regarding 300, a movie-reviewing hero once astutely stated, "300 is exactly the kind of film that has always made going to the movies so much
fun. If you've lost your movie-goin' smile then this will slap it back on for ya." His full review can be read here. I highly recommend it.
Special Features
- Commentary by director Zack Snyder, writer Kurt Johnstad, and director of photography Larry Fong
- Deleted scenes with introduction by Zack Snyder
- "The 300: Fact or Fiction?" Historians, authors and filmmakers reveal how much of the film was based on fact
- "Who Were The Spartans: The Warriors of 300" Touches on the customs and ways of life of the Spartans
- "Frank Miller Tapes" - see how the outspoken Miller continued to push his limits to realize his epic graphic novel in the world of film
- Webisodes: Behind-the-scenes peeks on the set
- Photo gallery: Rapid-fire stills from the first day of production to the last
This is a DVD to own! Just don't watch it with your kids.
HOT FUZZ - This is by the same British dudes who gave the world Shaun of the Dead. I haven't seen it, but Ms. Ang of
TMM Message board loved it. You can read her comments
here.
Special Features
- Deleted Scenes
- The Fuzzball Rally: US Tour Piece
- Audio Commentary with Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright
- Outtakes
- The Man Who Would Be Fuzz
- Hot Funk
- Fuzz-O-Meter
- Storyboards
- Danny's Notebook: The Other Side
PATHFINDER - This is another one I haven't seen. The reviews were, how do you say, not favorable. It sure made FieryMaid a little Fiery over
the message board. Check out what she had to
say.
Special Features
- Commentary by Director Marcus Nispel
- Deleted Scenes (with optional Director's Commentary)
- The Beginning Featurette
- The Design Featurette
- The Build Featurette
- The Shoot Featurette
- The Stunts Featurette
- We Shoot Now! Marcus Nispel on the Set of Pathfinder
- Clancy Brown: Cult Hero, Concept Trailer
The Precipitous Fall of Cuba Gooding Junior's Career
Just a few projects Cuba has taken on since winning an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire: Chill Factor, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip,
Norbit, and Daddy Day Camp. Yes, Daddy Day Camp is a "sequel" to the awful Daddy Day Care.
Folks, Eddie Murphy didn't even want to be involved with this one. The above list is enough to ruin any actor's career.
But I think the truest sign that Cuba either has money or mental issues came when I saw a commercial last night where he meets Michael Jordan and runs up to him
and starts hugging him like a maniac. At first I thought, "Man, that guy looks just like Cuba Gooding Jr. Nah. There's no way he'd stoop THIS far." Welp, it was
indeed him. Congrats, Cuba. Hope you like never being taken seriously again.
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July 30, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Sunshine
"Artistic. Visually aesthetic. Unique. All words to describe the inimitable Johnny Betts. But they can also be used to describe the first 2/3rds of
Sunshine. The film begins as an interesting presentation of bright, contrasting colors, askew camera angles,
and striking visuals. It's not every day you see a body freeze in a temperature of -270 degrees Celsius and then shatter into thousands of bloody red
pieces.
But then the third act arrives..."
Johnny reviews Sunshine, starring Cillian Murphy, Rose Byrne, Chris Evans, Cliff Curtis, and Michelle Yeoh.
The Dark Knight Teaser Trailer
Bring it on!
Check it out here. Love the voice and the laugh.
Box Office Pun Prediction
The Simpsons shocked just about everyone by raking in around $71 million this weekend. So what bad pun will IMDb use to announce this news? I'm going
with something along the lines of, "Simpsons brings in box office d'oh."
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July 27, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: I Know Who Killed Me
"What? We were supposed to take this crap seriously? In that case, I am happy to report that I have a new addition to my Worst of 2007 list. Not since
A Sound of Thunder have I been so baffled by a film's mediocrity. The trailers are actually intriguing, so I
expected an engaging, suspenseful thriller, but within five minutes it felt like I was watching deleted scenes from Not Another Teen Movie. Is
the film's display of incompetence intentional? Surely no one thought they were involved in the making of a good movie."
Johnny reviews I Know Who Killed Me, starring Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, and Neal McDonough, and gives
it the beating it so richly deserves.
MOVIE REVIEW: Rescue Dawn
"Those of you impatient moviegoers with goldfish attention spans might become restless due to the fact that a quick pace is abandoned for character development,
but the end result is that you really do care for these prisoners. You want Dieter's plan to succeed. You want them to be singularly-minded and escape together.
You want them to gun down a Lao soldier or two."
Johnny reviews Rescue Dawn, starring Christian Bale, Steve Zahn, and Jeremy Davies.
Coming Monday
I think two reviews is good enough for today. You do realize I have a life outside of this website, right? At least I make the attempt. I'll post my review of
Sunshine on Monday. It's not showing on many screens, so there's a good chance you wouldn't be able to see it this weekend anyway. If you're on the fence
then I'd highly recommend waiting for my review. The movie is not without merit, but it totally lost me in the third act. For that reason, I can't recommend
it as more than a rental. More on Monday...
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July 26, 2007
Cast of Watchmen
It's rumored that the upcoming comic book flick Watchmen will star Patrick Wilson, Jackie Earle Haley, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup, Jeffrey Dean
Morgan and Malin Akerman. Huh. Don't get me wrong; there are some solid actors there, but not a single one of these names excites me. Sure, Billy Crudup
was good in Almost Famous, but I've never once said, "I can't wait to see the next Billy Crudup movie!"
I was hoping for at least one superstar, especially after hearing Gerard Butler's name tossed around. Ah well.
Coming Tomorrow
That's it for today. I'm a busy guy these days, what can I say? Will I throw down with three reviews tomorrow? Not likely, but I will try to deliver at
least two.
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July 25, 2007
Seagal Steals Chips from London Shop
Obese and washed up action star, Steven Seagal, stooped to new lows the other day when he stole a bag of chips from a London shop. While not producing a hit
movie in more than ten years can take a toll on a person, it is no excuse to...
*Johnny is handed a slip of paper*
Ah. That should be a "seagull" stole the bag of chips. A seagull. Not Steven Seagal. The Movie Mark wishes to apologize for the mistake, plausible as it
may be.
Excitement Fills the Air ... THE TWO COREYS!
 
I managed to get my hand on a couple of promo pictures of the upcoming A&E reality show The Two Coreys, and I couldn't wait to share them with you.
I like to refer to the first picture as "Corey Haim - the New Richard Grieco" aka "How in the World Did Corey Feldman Manage to Marry HER - Part 1."
If you look closely, you'll notice that Haim's face is starting to take on a stretched, plastic look, very similar to the David Gest-esque appearance that Grieco
is sportin' these days. Yes, that is indeed Feldman's wife in the middle, and no, I have no idea how he scored that. He must still have some of that childhood
money. Or she married him thinking he still knew Josh Brolin.
The second picture is what I like to call "I Didn't Realize it was Still 1985" aka "How in the World Did Corey Feldman Manage to Marry HER - Part 2 - No, Seriously,
How? I Mean, What Was the Exact Price at Which He Sold His Soul to Satan?"
This picture clearly demonstrates the coolness that is the Haimster. Come on, the leather jacket over the shoulder, showing just enough skin to display his tattoo? That's
such a Mike Seaver move. Way to go, Corey! I feel like I'm looking at a Growing Pains Teen Beat cover all over again! And who didn't roll their jeans up
like that ... TWENTY YEARS AGO!!!!!
I like how Haim is holding out his hand. The symbolism is rich. I can practically hear him saying, "Can I please have the check now? Seriously, a brother's gotta
eat."
The show premieres July 29th on A&E. Sadly, I don't think I'll have my satellite connected in time to catch the pilot, but I'm sure there will be repeats
a' plenty. One can hope and pray.
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July 24, 2007
No Country For Old Men Poster
I've got two words for you: boo and yeah. No, I'm not booing this in anyway. For those of you unfamiliar with the vernacular of today's youth, my implication is
BOOYEAH! If you're new to the site and are unfamiliar with No Country for Old Men and the rising superstar that is Josh Brolin then all you have to do is
look back over my archives.
If you haven't seen the trailer yet then click here and prepare to be excited. If you're not
excited then meet me after a screening sometime so I can deliver the beatdown you richly deserve.
On DVD This Week
An ingenious movie reviewer once said, "Zodiac is the kind of film that sticks with you. I was at a friend's house late
after the screening, and when I arrived home I saw a lone car's headlights appear from up the street. My heart began to race a little as I hastened to my door. I
knew then and there that a new Zodiac killer was in the vicinity, and I had no time to tarry."
That reviewer's name? Johnny Betts. Zodiac, still one of 2007's best, makes a perfect rental for couples who want to
curl up on the couch and grip each other tightly during tense, frightening scenes. Granted, when the ladies sit by Johnny and take notice of the big guns, they'll
find any excuse to grip 'em. Comedy, romance, crossword documentary - it doesn't matter.
But most of you guys are mere mortals who can use every advantage at your disposal.
The problem with the Zodiac DVD is that there are NO special features. Unless you count "previews." I don't, and
neither should you. A special edition is planned for release in '08 so definitely hold off on purchasing this one. However, if all you're looking for is a
rental then Zodiac is worth it.
Regarding The Number 23, I recall reading an excellent review where the reviewer, obviously an extremely intelligent
and attractive young man, stated, "I'm not sure why this one is getting so much hate. Is it the next Memento or The Usual Suspects? No, but it is a film
with an excellent concept, a solid-if-not-flawless execution, and a fairly satisfying resolution. Chances are you'll either love or hate the conclusion, but one thing
you won't remain is indifferent."
Man, I wish I could remember the reviewer's name.
*somebody whispers in Johnny's ear*
Johnny Betts? Makes sense. I seem to recall the screening audience was split on The Number 23. It's definitely
not for everybody. If you like your movies a little odd and different then you can handle it better than those who insist on everything being "normal" and
straightforward. I enjoyed it, and as y'all have come to recognize, my opinion is the most correct.
Two minutes of research didn't reveal what special features are available, but there is an "Unrated" version. Recommending this one is a little bit more of a risk,
but the rental fee is a small investment.
"How is it an investment, Johnny? There's no way for me to get my money back!"
Dear reader, the return on your investment isn't measured in monetary amounts. Its quantification comes via viewing enjoyment. Quit thinking of everything in terms
of money and start concentrating on maximizing your joy. Granted, if you don't like the film then you won't exactly be filled with joy, but you can just consider that
a life lesson and learn from it. It's pretty much a no-lose situation.
Bury My Heart...
...at the trailer park...
Death Sentence. Nick Hume (Kevin Bacon) is a mild-mannered executive with a perfect life, until one gruesome night he witnesses something that changes him forever. Transformed by grief,
Hume eventually comes to the disturbing conclusion that no length is too great when protecting his family.
Kevin Bacon as a man set on revenge? When I first heard about this I thought, "What's he gonna do, pull out some footloose moves on the bad guys?" Then I chuckled
smugly to myself and reveled in the infinite lengths of my comedic genius.
But I saw the trailer last night, and at the conclusion I was thinking, "Awwwwwww yeeeeeeeauuuuuuh! BRING IT!" I've always had a soft spot for vigilante films. It's
human nature. In America we like our bad guys dead. I'm no exception. I want characters like Hans Gruber and Ivan Korshunov to die slow, painful deaths. I don't want
them going to jail with a possibility of parole in 20 years. Sorry. Heck, I wanted George Bailey to knock Mr. Potter out of his wheelchair and gut kick him, ala the
classic SNL skit.
Could Death Sentence be this year's Four Brothers? We'll know soon. It opens on August 31. You can view
the trailer here.
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July 23, 2007
Opening this Week
  
Whoa. There are just way too many films opening this week. Memphis has approximately 48 screenings on Thursday, but despite my superhuman status, I don't think I'll manage to attend
every single one of them, nor would I want to. Let's take a brief look at what we're being subjected to:
Rescue Dawn - The true story of a US Fighter pilot's epic struggle of survival after being shot down on a mission over Laos during the Vietnam War.
Seen it. Enjoyed it. Reviewing it on Friday.
Sunshine - A team of astronauts are sent to re-ignite the dying sun 50 years into the future.
I've heard some mixed comments about this. It definitely sounds been-there-done-that-ish, but you know what? I'm seeing it tonight and will reserve comment until afterward.
I Know Who Killed Me - An idyllic small town is rocked when Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan), a bright and promising young woman, is abducted and tortured
by a sadistic serial killer. When she manages to escape, the traumatized girl who regains consciousness in the hospital insists that she is not who they think she is and that the
real Aubrey Fleming is still in mortal danger.
Hmm. The premise sounds interesting, and despite her pathetic public image, Lohan isn't devoid of talent. This is one of the films being screened on Thursday, and it might be the
one I choose.
How many movies ever feature a non-idyllic small town?
No Reservations - The life of a neurotic, tightly wound chef (Zeta-Jones) changes when she unexpectedly becomes the guardian of her young niece.
I have *wink* NO RESERVATIONS (bwahahahahaha) admitting that this isn't exactly at the top of Johnny's ol' Must-See list. If not for the hotness of CZJ I wouldn't
give it a second thought. It's being screened tomorrow. Do I go? Tough one. I'll kick it around. The message
board's infamous TangentGirl has already given it a less-than-stellar review, serving up (BWAHAHAHA) this CORN-y *snicker* line, just in honor of me, "The trailer looked
appetizing, but the movie felt a bit bland."
Folks, we could do this all day.
What do y'all think? Is there ONE reader out there who wants me to screen No Reservations and review it? One? If so here's your chance to speak up. Send me
an email. But I want you to sell it. Convince me that I should see it. Chances are I'll send you an email saying,
"Thanks for your awesome suggestion," and end up doing whatever I want anyway, but please, don't let that stop you.
The Simpsons Movie - The Simpsons have to save the world or something.
This is another one that's being screened on Thursday, and I'm already catching flak for leaning towards seeing "a Lindsay Lohan" movie instead, but do you think I
care? What can I say? I'm a suspense/mystery kind of guy. Sure, there's a great chance that I Know Who Killed Me will blow massive chunks, but at least I'll have something
to make fun of later.
I haven't watched The Simpsons in around 10 years, and the trailers haven't exactly hurled me down the aisles in fits of maniacal laughter. My review
would most likely be, "If you enjoy The Simpsons then you'll enjoy this movie." BORING!
I think I owe it to more fans to watch I Know Who Killed Me for free. Besides, how can I pass up an opportunity to work in an I Know Who Killed Me Last Summer joke?
That's comedic gold that just doesn't come around every day.
Who's Your Caddy? - A famous rapper (Big Boi) and his entourage face off against the president of a posh country club who is reluctant to admit the star
as a member.
Wow. Just when you think Hollywood couldn't be dumbed down any further they go and pull this crap. Yet another one of the Thursday screenings, and the only
way I'd ever see this is if Jessica Biel were sitting on my right hand and Kate Beckinsale on my left.
What's that? Oh, yes, right hand SIDE. Sorry for the confusion. I wouldn't want anyone thinking I'm less than innocent.
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July 20, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
"Aside from the film's tendency to rely on predictable jokes (mercy on your soul if you don't know what'll happen when Sandler sits in an undersized kid's chair) and
transparent punchlines, the biggest eye-rolling aspect of the film is its reliance on patronizing speeches and heavy-handed sermonizing. Call me old-fashioned,
whatever that term means within the context of an Adam Sandler movie, but when I sit down to watch the Sandman in action, I want to laugh. That's it. I'm not looking
for a screenwriter stepping up on his soap box and telling me how I should feel about issues."
Johnny reviews I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and the very lovely
Jessica Biel.
UPDATE: Rescue Dawn
I forgot that Rescue Dawn is not being released until next Friday so I must hold my review until then. I apologize for any inconvenience that I'm sure this
does NOT cause.
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July 19, 2007
Katherine Heigl to Wed Johnny Utah
According to the highly respected and often accurate National Enquirer, Knocked Up and Grey's Anatomy
hottie Katherine Heigl is set to wed fictional movie character Johnny Utah. Utah, as portrayed by Keanu Reeves, was a Special Agent in 1991's Point
Break who went undercover to catch a gang of bank robbers who might have been surfers.
Details have not been released on how exactly the lovely Ms. Heigl plans to legally marry someone who does not actually exist within the context of the real
word, but sources close to the situation insist...
*Johnny is handed a piece of paper*
Oh. Folks, I apologize. It appears that Katherine is getting married in the state of Utah.
Well, I just feel silly now.
Coming Tomorrow
Sorry for the small update today. In between screening Rescue Dawn, moving, and watching a recorded version of So You Think You Can Dance, my time
was very limited last night. I hope to deliver reviews of both I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and Rescue Dawn, but I make no promises.
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July 18, 2007
Engaging in a Battle of Wits with an Unarmed Man (Woman)
I've been fairly busy moving into my new house and all, so I haven't had too much time to sit down and think of great updates for the site today. So
I'll make this one simple. Here's a recent exchange I had with a Corey Feldman fan (we'll call her Bernadette) regarding my
Corey Feldman Facts. Enjoy.
Bernadette: I think you should consider selling YOUR soul to the Devil in exchange for a sense of humour!
How dreary! What a waste of time!
Johnny: The facts are hilarious. I laugh every time I re-read them. Plus, my mom smiled and patted me on the head when I
showed them to her, so she obviously thinks I've struck comedic gold as well.
Bernadette: OK. Let's all wipe our bottoms on Corey's DVD's and CD's.
Johnny: No, no, no. The COVERS! The discs themselves would be too hard. I'm not THAT immature to suggest such a
thing.
Bernadette: Ok. Let's all wipe our bottoms on Corey's DVD and CD COVERS. Because the discs would be
too hard. Your 'Corey Facts' are of such poor quality, that you could actually substitute Corey's name for practically anyone else's!
Johnny: I didn't realize that "practically anyone else" starred in
Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys. I'll keep that in mind when adding to the Facts list. Your help has proven
invaluable.
Somebody named Adrienne: i think you will find that mature people don't sit on message boards for
people they don't like and spend ages thinking up witty insults to throw at them in order to wind up their fans.
Johnny: Actually, my wit is so quick that it took merely a handful of moments for me to whip up the insults - that you
so kindly (and accurately) referred to as witty - that I bandied about.
The moral of the story is anybody arrogant enough to refer to himself as "An Icon, An Industry" (mainly because he knows no one else was jumping at
the opportunity to do it) is begging to be brought down a peg or two.
All seven of my fans already loved and agreed with my facts list. Only sharing with them is, to borrow the old cliché, preaching to the choir. Thus,
one must go where the message is most needed.
Bernadette: You say Corey is 'begging to be brought down a peg or two.' You obviously don't know
much about his life. Shame on you.
Ah, delusional Corey Feldman fans, you gotta love 'em. Yes, yes, shame on me for not knowing much about Corey's life. Shame on ALL of us.
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July 17, 2007
On DVD this Week
Premonition - Sandra Bullock is a depressed housewife who learns her husband was killed in a car accident the previous day,
but she awakens the next morning to find him alive and well at home, and then awakens the next day after to a world in which he is still dead.
I could go with an "I have a premonition that..." joke here, but really, who'd benefit from that? Not you, and certainly not my reputation for witty
repartee. I have not seen the film, but despite the fact that it got universally torn to shreds by reviewers, a couple of the gals on
TMM message board seemed to enjoy it.
I have a premonition that I'll check it out once it hits Blockbuster's $0.99 shelf. Oops, strike that.
The Hills Have Eyes 2 - As my review suggests, the remake of the original
Hills was pretty effective in what it desired to achieve. I haven't seen this sequel, but horror fans haven't exactly been showering it
with praise. Rent at your own risk.
Factory Girl - This has something to do with Sienna Miller dropping out of school, going to New York, and Andy Warhol
promising to make her a huge star. Don't really know, don't really care.
Box Office Pun Update
Yesterday I predicted that IMDb's pun for the huge box office success of Harry Potter and the Order of
the Phoenix would be Potter's Box Office is Magical. Welp, I was close. The actual pun used was
Young Moviegoers Give Harry a Magical Week. Yep, I'm good.
Movie Horror Story
Today's horror story - Yeah Thunderbirds! - comes to us courtesy of Ms. Grace B. Give it
a read and take note who you might want to keep a close eye on the next time you're at the
movies.
Oh, and I'll be saving the Corey Feldman hate mail until tomorrow. Quit whining; you'll survive.
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July 16, 2007
Opening this Week
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - Two Philadelphia firefighters -- Larry (Kevin James), a widower with two kids, and Chuck (Adam Sandler), a consummate
ladies' man -- pretend to be a gay couple in order to receive domestic partner benefits. They face a series of challenges in order to maintain their ruse, the toughest being Chuck's
feelings for the lawyer (Jessica Biel) who's representing them.
So it's not exactly high concept, but I like Sandler and James, and oh my goodness how hot is Jessica Biel??? Did Adam Sandler sell his soul to the devil? The guy's last
two theatrical love interests have been Kate Beckinsale and Ms. Biel. They would have been my top two choices as well! Man. Must be a rough life.
I'm screening it on Tuesday.
Hairspray - Pleasantly plump teenager Tracy Turnblad teaches 1962 Baltimore a thing or two about integration after landing a spot on a local TV dance
show.
Looks horrible. John Travolta playing a woman? Granted, he actually looks more feminine than Rosie O'Donnell, but give me a break. Is he so distraught over turning down the
role of Billy Flynn in Chicago that he'll just desperately take any musical role he's now offered?
There are two screenings of it this week and I am skipping both of them. I'm taking a stand on the side of finding more valuable things to do with my time. RIP, Vincent Vega,
we hardly knew ye.
Guess IMDb's Box Office Pun
What pun will IMDb choose to commemorate Harry Potter's $77+ million weekend box office? I'm gonna go with something along
the lines of...
Potter's Box Office is Magical
Any other thoughts? Coming soon, along with the revamp of the site, I'll add a function where you readers can comment on my daily posts. A good man by the name of Dennis B.
made the recommendation, and I've liked the idea ever since I used it with my Flex, Slugs, and Rigamarole
section. Be patient, one day this site will be everything it needs to be ... and more!
Movie Mark Doug has suggested I try to figure out how to turn TMM into an RSS feed. Does anybody have any RSS experience? If not then I'll look into it.
Coming Tomorrow
A glimpse at what to expect on DVD this week, a user-submitted horror story, and how about a little hate mail from a Corey Feldman fan? I know you can't wait.
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July 13, 2007
Ticket Stub of Memories
Movie ticket stubs. We have all saved them. But why? What is it about that little piece of paper that makes us hang on to it? For most
of us, they serve as mementos. Memories of a time gone by. They're an instant connection to a particular day in our past. A specific
experience.
If somebody randomly asked me what I was doing on January 5, 1996, I wouldn't even dare attempt an answer. But as I recently rifled through
an old drawer full of ticket stubs, when I found the one for 12 Monkeys, with the above date imprinted, I was flooded with a rush of
memories. I don't recall much about the movie experience, but I do know that it was the first time two of my friends from different sides of
the tracks had met. It was a collision of worlds.
See, when I was in high school I had two best friends. There was one that I went to high school with and one who I was still good friends with
from elementary. But for whatever reason, I kept those worlds separate. The main problem with this is that sometimes both friends would want
to see the same movie. Too scared to suggest we all go to the theater together, I'd go see a particular movie with Best Friend #1 on Friday and
then I'd see it again on Saturday with Best Friend #2.
Despite being a total waste of money, this wasn't a horrible situation if the movie was good. However, the problem is that back in the day high
school boys had too much of a tendency to be drawn to Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. That means that not only did I pay to see crap like Hard
Target at the theater, but I paid to see it TWICE. Yeah.
But on January 5, 1996, that practice came to an end. Each of the friends knew about the other, and they had both heard stories, and it all
culminated in this rather anti-climactic introduction.
"Cool, Johnny, so the three of you are all great friends now and continue to hang out together, huh?"
No. We did go on a canoe trip shortly thereafter, but one of the friends has since moved to San Diego, and I lost touch with the other after he
started hanging with the wrong crowd and his life derailed into a haze of alcohol and bad decisions. I tried to provide guidance for a time, but
you have to know when to cut the anchor rather than risk being dragged below the surface. But I can look at that ticket stub, and I can remember
a brief, distinct moment in time when the three of us congregated, and times were innocent and young.
Obviously, not all instances are so dramatic. Some are nothing more than inconsequential reminders of passing thoughts. As I looked down at the
Someone Like You stub, I had to pause for a minute to recall that it was the stupid romantic comedy with Hugh Jackman and Ashley Judd. The only
thing I can tell you about the movie is there was a scene in a kitchen with Judd in underwear talking to Jackman, and all I could think was,
"So this is Wolverine's next career move? Oh brother." But a memory's a memory, and each one is a brick in the path we've traveled.
My Nightwatch ticket stub might possibly be the only one still in existence, and I'm a little more proud about that than I should be willing
to admit. There were only five people in the theater, but I was one of them. I can look at the stub and reflect on how that was my first opportunity
to see Josh Brolin on the big screen, and I can feel a little more special than necessary. No, it won't fetch any money on Ebay, but it's a stamp of
a memory, and really, how can you put a price on that?
Well, you can if you're a huge Josh Brolin fan who'd pay big bucks for a Nightwatch ticket stub, but I digress.
Perhaps this is a bad combination of my sentimentality and pack rat tendencies, or maybe - just maybe - it's a legitimate process of turning
to certain pages in our life's book. So many pages are missing, and so many have yet to be written, so why not hold on to those things that can
trigger memories long forgotten and thought lost to time?
Your hair is graying
And your memory is fading
Unable to recall
All on its own
But that stub in the dresser, baby
Never forgets.
You can dismiss it if you want to, but consider my position - I'm just a classic rock kind of guy in a Top 40 world, trying to write that one hit
that'll put a dent in the fender of the sanitized, "politics-as-usual" paradigm.
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July 12, 2007
Scott Baio is Hard Up ... and Single
Thanks to my sister and Ms. Cali for reminding me about the new VH1 reality show - Scott Baio is Hard Up for Money ... and Single.
Oops, that should be Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single. The premise is he's dated all sorts of females over the years - actresses,
Playboy bunnies, etc. - but now he's desperate to find out why, at 45 years old, he's never been able to find true love and settle down.
Probably because he's the type of guy who'd star in a show called Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single, but that's just a guess.
It debuts this Sunday, July 15th, on VH1. Check it out if you want to feel good about your own life.
Speaking of Scott Baio, I never realized how fun it could be to troll his IMDb message board. Someone posed the following,
"What does someone like Baio make in 2006? At one point, he was one of the hottest stars on TV. Now, he's the punchline of Conan O'Brien's
jokes. Just wondering what someone like Baio can command these days for acting/directing/etc."
To which I responded, "I don't have any specifics, but I tipped him a healthy 20% the other day on a $20 meal. My food arrived hot, and
my Dr. Pepper was always refilled. All in all, a very professional job."
To which no Baio fan had a comeback.
I can't tell you how proud of myself I am.
Coming Tomorrow
Sorry for the late post today. It's been a weird and crazy 24 hours. For tomorrow I plan on treating you to the long-awaited
Ticket Stub of Memories article.
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July 11, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"I will admit that I feel Order of the Phoenix is the best in the series. It's at least
the best of the three I have seen. It's darker, the story is more self-contained than the previous entries, and the battle at the end actually
delivers. This is also the first in the series that kept me awake for the entire runtime so I declare it's making progress.
But, despite the more-than-competent special effects, I have yet to be fully drawn in to this world of magic."
Johnny dutifully reviews Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, starring Daniel Radcliffe
and just about everybody else from the other movies. Look at the cast list on my review if you want specifics.
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July 10, 2007
Movie Mark Original #25
Title: Nun Chuck
Tagline: Thou Shalt Have No Other Beards Before His
Cast: Chuck Norris, Beard Norris
Plot Summary: When it's discovered that the IRA (the Irish Republican Army - a Catholic military
organization) is plotting an attack on the United States and is working with the Mafia, the President has no choice but to
call in the country's most dangerous weapon - the highly classified secret agent Tuff Dakota (Norris).
Dakota must devise a plan to infiltrate the IRA and the Mafia and thwart their plans. He must gain their trust, and
the only way he can figure to do that is by going undercover as a nun. Dakota soon learns that sometimes there are
tougher things than fighting the bad guys - try explaining your neatly-trimmed beard to the Mother Superior.
Catchphrase: Before delivering a roundhouse kick squarely to the enemy's head, Dakota deadpans,
"I'm gonna drop you like a bad nun's habit."
For those of you who don't know, a "habit" is the black robe/costume that a nun wears.
Thanks to Mr. Shade for helping me come up with the idea for this one.
Click here for the previous 24 Movie Mark Originals, all of which are vastly
hilarious.
Ticket Stub of Memory
How many of you still keep your movie ticket stubs? If you do then why do you think that is? I have found the answer.
Tune in later this week for my entertaining and enlightening article, Ticket Stub of Memory. 'Tis gonna be
illuminating.
Box Office Pun Update
If you'll recall, and I sure hope you do since I just posted it yesterday, I predicted that IMDb would discuss
Transformers' box office success with a "more than meets the
eye" reference or pun. Well, I was wrong. Instead, they commented, "Transformers Transforms Record Books."
Apparently I gave them too much credit because that's even worse. That's what I get for trying to see the good in
people.
On DVD This Week
This makes two weeks in a row with absolutely no rentals to stir any excitement. This week's "big release" is
The Last Mimzy. More like The Last Snoozy. I attended the
screening, fell asleep about 20 minutes in, and took the moral high road and refused to review it. How could I
give it a fair review when I slept through at least 30 minutes? As for what I did see, well, it made me fall
asleep for 30 minutes, so feel free to use that as a guide.
If that doesn't suit your fancy then there's always The Astronaut Farmer, starring Billy
Bob Thornton as a former astronaut who decides to build his own rocket. Re-read the above sentence for an
explanation why I skipped this one when it screened in Memphis.
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July 9, 2007
Opening this Week
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return scoffed at, Harry and Dumbledore are
targeted by the Wizard authorities as authoritarian bureaucrat Dolores Umbridge slowly seizes power at Hogwarts. Disturbing dreams, dire prophecies, raging
hormones, and Lord Voldemort's continued influence contribute to the mix.
I'm screening it tonight, and let me tell you, if we could bottle my indifference then, well, we'd have a bottle of Johnny's indifference. Hey, sounds like
a cologne! Everybody else has their own scent, why not me? "Johnny Betts' Indifference - For the man in your life who just doesn't give a crap." Perhaps
the motto could use a little work.
Look, y'all pretty much know where I stand regarding Harry Potter. I never saw the first two (and am in no real hurry to do so), and I thought the last
two were only so-so. I just can't accept Daniel "I Look Just Like Rachel Dratch" Radcliffe as a movie hero. Sorry, feel free to attack me at the screening
if you want to.
I've read that this installment is the darkest in the series, so perhaps I'll enjoy it slightly more than the others. If I manage to stay awake through the
entire movie then I'll conclude they're making progress. It opens on Wednesday.
Oh, and I know that typically we're not supposed to reveal spoilers for movies, but I'm going to spill the beans - the Phoenix orders a Whopper with cheese.
Yep, I'm a comedic genius.
Quit complaining; it's not like you paid for the joke. This is all free.
Captivity - A fashion icon (Elisha Cuthbert) is taken captive by a serial killer who preys upon her childhood fears via a series of
traps and twisted games.
Well, the trailer is interesting, but it's not being screened in Memphis, and it's getting horrible reviews. Maybe I'll check it out on video one day. Maybe not.
I'll leave you in suspense for the next 6 - 12 months, at which point you'll have forgotten about the movie anyway and definitely won't care if I watch it. All I
know is if I see one more reviewer use the term "torture-porn" then I'll hunt them down and give them a lesson in Biker Boots 101. It's today's new
catchphrase in movie reviewing.
I don't know who started it, but it's as annoying as a few years ago when all the news anchors were using the term "gravitas."
I'll be so bold as to say that any reviewer who finds a way to use "gravitas," "torture-porn," and "surreal" in the same sentence is most likely the anti-Christ
and should be reported to authorities immediately.
Oh, and if you see any reviewers make a comment such as, "This movie was so bad I felt like I was in captivity!" then please alert me and I'll handle the
situation properly.
It's Box Office, Baby
IMDb will report on Transformers' huge 6-day box office return ($152.5 million) with a "more than meets
the eye" pun and/or reference in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
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July 6, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Stan Lee's Harpies
"The most memorable aspect of the film is the ridiculously fake looking Harpies. I promise you that I could take any one of you ladies
down to Wal-Mart and we could configure a better, more convincing Harpy costume. All they did was tease their hair, put dark makeup
around their eyes, give them some fake-looking Halloween vampire teeth, and voila - Harpies. Stupid. Should've called them Sharpies
because I bet that's what they used to create the dark circles under their eyes, oh! Thank you, thank you."
Johnny reviews Stan Lee's Harpies, starring Stephen Baldwin. This is one terrible movie, folks,
and I mean that in the worst way possible. I'm not familiar with the original source material, but there's no way it can be this bad. I can
only hope that my review will serve as a warning and stop at least one soul, possibly a Stan Lee or
Stephen Baldwin fan, from attempting to watch it. Learn from my 90-minute mistake. I implore you.
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July 5, 2007
FREE SCREENING: Rescue Dawn
When: Wednesday, July 18
Where: Malco Cordova 7:30 PM
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Man, is this Christmas in July or what? Two free movie screenings in a row by your favorite movie reviewer. Who's in the mood for a
little Christian Bale war action? This is based on the true story US Fighter pilot Dieter Dengler's (Bale) epic struggle of survival
after being shot down on a mission over Laos during the Vietnam War. I've been looking forward to this one, and it's been getting rave
reviews. If you're in the Memphis area and want to see it for free then you know what to do - click
here and sign up. The first 130 people get a pass. That's not a typo - that's 30 more than my usual allotment. Yep, I'm moving
on up. Just not to the east side though. Nor to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Only in regard to extra passes.
Coming Tomorrow
Who wants details on Stephen Baldwin's latest sci-fi borefest? Well, you're gettin' 'em anyway. I sat through Harpies and
now you're gonna be forced to hear about it. Tune in tomorrow. Oh, and I didn't get a chance to screen this week's other release
- License to Wed - because the screening was on the same night as Transformers
and I think we can all agree that was a no-brainer.
Upcoming Movie Mark Originals
I'm working on Stargate: Miami. I haven't finalized the plot synopsis, but how can you go wrong with David Caruso in space
doing a bad William Shatner impersonation? Mr. Shade wants me to work on something for HobOGYN, but that's going to be a
bit more of a challenge. I'll come up with something though, and it will be worth it. Well, maybe not, but you'll read it anyway.
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July 4, 2007
FREE SCREENING: Sunshine
When: TBD - week of opening
Where: TBD
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Who's up for a little end of the world action? Welp, the sun is dying, folks, and the world's fate rests in the hands of
a spaceship crew. If you want to find out what happens (FOR FREE!) then click here
and sign up before your friends use 100 different aliases to hog all the passes.
Blockbuster's 50% Off Sale
Just wanted to give y'all the heads up that Blockbuster is having a sale on all their used DVDs - 50% off - through
July 8th. I know this deal is good in Memphis. Not so sure about the rest of the United States. Be sure and tell
them Johnny Betts sent you. They'll quiver in fear and ask, "You mean the handsome, hilarious, muscular guy with the
size 11 biker boots?" When you answer, "Yes, that's him," they'll likely let you have anything you want for free. Or
they'll ask, "Who?" and proceed to ignore customers. Give it a shot and see which response you get. Let me know.
Don't Fear the Simple
I haven't turned on the TV in two days. That cycle would've ended today, but So You Think You Can Dance isn't coming
on, so I might make it three in a row. And you know what? I don't feel like I'm missing out on much. Don't get me wrong;
it's summer and we're surrounded by repeats, so it's easier to just leave it alone. But I recommend you try it every
once and awhile.
Experience life yourself rather than always through a TV or movie character. Embrace simplicity. Count stars, relish
sunsets, make a difference in someone's life, let yourself be awed. People these days seem more mesmerized by how a certain
special effect was accomplished in film or how I worded something so eloquently rather than how God hung the moon.
Get some fresh air and reflect on humanity's insignificance. A little grounding never hurt anybody.
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July 3, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers
"Say what you will about director Michael Bay, and believe me, plenty has been said about the guy, but the man, in all his wispy-mulleted
wisdom, knows how to deliver action, and Transformers is no exception. In regard to
delivering visceral thrills, the Michael Bolton look-alike has outdone himself. However, before you work yourself up into too much of a
fanboy lather; allow me to first caution you on some of the lowlights..."
Johnny reviews and recommends, despite its flaws, Transformers, starring Shia LaBeouf,
Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, and Jon Voight.
A Quick Note
I just want to thank everybody who sent me your kind words and best wishes in regard to yesterday's post. Readers who I haven't heard from in
a long time even dropped notes to let me know they were still reading and they still cared. Thanks to everybody. It's comforting to know that
the support is there when it's needed.
I'm saving the Sunshine sign up for tomorrow because let's face it - with tomorrow being a holiday I won't feel like doing much
else tonight. Y'all have a great (and safe) 4th.
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July 2, 2007
Do Fairy Tales Always Have Happy Endings?
I debated whether or not I should post this. I asked myself what's too personal in a forum like this? But
every artist needs an outlet for heartbreak. After all, it makes for great songs, right? Well, y'all have been with
me through the good, so I feel I owe it to you to let you be with me through the not-so-good as well.
You local fans would likely start asking questions soon anyway, so it's best I go ahead and offer an explanation
before the rumors start to swirl...
The dynamic duo that has long been known as "Johnny and Steph" is no longer. Before I proceed, I should point out
that we were never married. Many of you have seen us together for a few years and just assumed we were. And in my
old Rider Reviews I even made references to my "wife." The main reason for that was to hide my identity and create
a fictional universe from which to spin my yarns. A universe where Stephanie and I were married, and jokes would be
made at that expense.
We were engaged, but - to make a long story short - due to religious differences, marriage discussions never
got very far. I'm a Protestant and she's a Catholic, you see, and there were certain issues on which neither of us
were willing to compromise - the prospect of children was always a stopping point. Sometimes it's easier to just drop
a subject and ignore it, but I've found that the hard times don't find their own resolution.
It's much easier to get stuck inside a dream. Ride those emotional highs and eventually you'll sail over your problems.
Love conquers all, right? No. Love fades. As communication breaks down, so does the bond of love. Let your differences
blow with the wind, and friends, it won't be long before you find that you've drifted out of touch.
Though we officially broke up about nine months ago, we've remained good friends. She's continued to attend movie
screenings with me, and we've still been hanging out. In fact, most people wouldn't know anything was wrong unless I
specifically told them. And we haven't really told a lot of people.
Why not? Mainly because it's hard to admit when you've failed. There were members of both of our families that told us
we wouldn't make it. And you know what? We didn't. We gave it a great shot, but we just missed. This was our
fairy tale, and we were determined to spite all our critics. Except God had different plans. How do you accept something
you never thought you'd face?
Two months ago, right about the same time I was growing accustomed to our new friendship relationship, Stephanie broke
the news, and my heart, that she was moving to Charlotte, North Carolina for work. That inevitability came to fruition
this weekend. Believe it or not, I found it harder to lose my best friend than my girlfriend.
Stephanie and I have known each other for twelve years. That's twelve years of memories. Twelve years of love and
friendship. Twelve years shared in each other's life journey. On Saturday, those twelve years were condensed into
one full day of packing.
8:45 AM to 12:30 AM. The reality of the situation started to set in as the last few boxes were loaded in her car. I
want to make it clear that Stephanie and I did NOT live together, but I did spend a lot of time in that old apartment of
hers, and when she turned off the light one last time ... well, it may sound hokey, but it really did feel like the series
finale of a favorite TV show.
Determined to break her long, solo drive into two parts, Stephanie insisted on driving that night. I teased her
that my feelings were hurt by her eagerness to leave this old life behind so quickly, but I understood her reluctance to
make that 10 hour drive all at once. So we toasted a little pomegranate cider, exchanged hugs, said our goodbyes, and
did our best to fight back the tears.
I know I insinuated that this fairy tale didn't have a happy ending, but now that the tears have run dry and I've had time
to reflect, maybe it truly does. True friends are not easy to come by, but I've gained one. And most importantly, Stephanie
left me a better person than when she found me.
Life's tough, folks. We don't achieve every goal, nor does every dream come true. But that doesn't mean we give up
the pursuit. Take your bumps, learn your lessons, and find a new muse.
Everybody, please send your best to Steph. And Stephanie, I know you're reading - here's to the sunny slopes of long
ago, babe. You've always got a family in Memphis, I'll always have a muscular shoulder to spare, and I'll always have
tears of sympathy if you need 'em. Though not too many tears because I'm very macho, remember? Knock 'em dead in
Charlotte, but don't be a stranger, OK?
Oh, and to all you hot Memphis gals who have been too scared to approach me at movie screenings because you knew I was
in a relationship, well, JOHNNY IS NOW AVAILABLE! Headshots and résumés can be sent to
johnny_betts@hotmail.com. I've already got a lot of guy friends trying
to hit me up to take Stephanie's place as my "and one" to movie screenings, but to be honest, if somebody's gonna use
me for free movies then I'd prefer it be a hot chick. Makes me look better.
A new chapter in The Life of Johnny Betts has begun. Keep reading because I have a feeling things will get real interesting,
real quick. Thanks for continuing along the journey. I trust there's gonna be a happy ending.
Coming this Week
I've got my Transformers review coming tomorrow along with the sign up for the upcoming Sunshine screening.
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