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| "Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan |
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BREAKING NEWS - JUNE 2004June 30, 2004Johnny Betts' Manhood Still IntactHey, if you can admit to it...You must surely be ALL man. And then there was this one... THATS HOT!! You are more a man then most. You have the right idea ... It means you are a REAL man, that's all!! A REAL man, Mr. Shade, got that? And I'll end with this one... Bravo to you Johnny Betts!!! Instead of judging this movie and immediately labeling it a chick flick and swearing to stay away, you have shown you are a real man that can go see the movie and then appreciate it for what it is, a masterpiece. My husband knew it was a chick flick but he agreed to see it with me anyway and guess what? He really liked the movie. And of course I loved it and will be seeing it again tomorrow and I am sure many more times. But Johnny, I believe that you have walked away from this review with your manhood intact and a few female fans. It's all about knowing how to speak the language, my friends. Guys, don't tell me you don't understand what a woman wants, and you don't know how to make her happy. For one, you can agree to take her to a sappy love movie every now and then. It won't hurt you, and the next week you can go see Spiderman and be macho all over again. Speaking of Spiderman, I was unable to see the screening this week because of my softball game. That's all right because for the first time ever in my career I HIT FOR THE CYCLE!!! For those uneducated in the baseball/softball vernacular, that means I had a single, double, triple, and homerun all in one game. I also had 5 RBIs. We won 13-11. But don't worry, I'll see Spiderman this weekend and let you know what I think. Granted, everybody in America will have seen it by then, but I'll still give it the ol' Betts treatment. June 29, 2004A Scottish NightmareJune 28, 2004A Real Life Movie Mark StoryFunny thing happened at school today. So I'm in this doctoral program where I don't necessarily have a lot in common with/spend a lot of time with the other students. But today I was working with this guy in the computer lab on a statistics project (which was by the way very boring), and it's going fine, if a little overly polite. We got to talking about movies. I asked if he had seen Stepford Wives because I was sort of interested in it and wanted to know if it was any good. He said he hadn't, and we both went back to looking at our respective computer screens. A couple minutes later I hear him chuckling quietly to himself and look at his computer and see that it is a review of Stepford Wives, and I start to read it. I think to myself, "ha, this guy's writing style is exactly like Johnny Betts'!" Then I look at the byline and it WAS Johnny Betts! But it was in a different format I didn't recognize (not the Movie Mark). Then I got all loud in the computer lab because it was so weird that he would just happen to come across one of your reviews while sitting next to me, and I told him about your website and about how funny you are. So then he went to the website and read a bunch of reviews and slacked off while I continued to run statistical analysis, but it's okay because he said, "this dude is really funny" and I felt like I had brought two ships passing in the night together at last or something like that. All right, be honest, who just got a lump in the throat? A show of hands please. Yeah, me too. Just for clarification, a while back I was accepted as a reviewer for N: Zone online magazine. All I have to do is post my reviews as they appear on the Movie Mark. I figured it was a good way to promote my site to about 20,000 people a day. Beth confirmed that this is indeed the page where the guy was reading my review. I think we all should give Beth a round of applause for valiantly doing all the work herself just so some dude could read my reviews. Folks, THAT is what it takes to be a true movie mark. Everybody here can learn a little something from such unselfishness. What are the odds? Hey Beth, looks like you need to run another statistical analysis! June 25, 2004
"'The Notebook' is a character-driven love story. Rather than rely on huge explosions and loads of fighting, it relies on the outstanding performances of Gosling and McAdams. I can see how this could be pretty painful stuff for the guy who is capable of little more than grunting and posing, but without question, it is *the* romantic movie of the year to take your gal to."Johnny Betts reviews "The Notebook," starring Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.June 24, 2004Movie Reviews Page UpdatedI'll be watching "The Notebook" tonight, and I'll do my best to burn the 1:00 AM oil and post my review by tomorrow. I know none of you will care, and I'll end up losing valuable sleep for nothing, but that's the price I pay. June 23, 2004Odds and Ends
June 21, 2004
"'World Gone Wild' does have its share of weird moments that definitely deserve to be made fun of, but overall it's just too boring to fall in the "so bad it's good" category. However, if a cannibal playing air guitar on his gun while draped in an American flag sounds like your suit of armor then have at it. Otherwise, there are much "better" bad movies to waste your time with. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get DEQUED out in leather pants and a sleeveless shirt, and I'm gonna rock out to some Chequered Past. I'm sorry, that should be ROQU out!"Johnny Betts skewers the Michael Paré/Bruce Dern/Adam Ant stinker, "World Gone Wild."June 17, 2004
Don't expect *anything* serious from 'Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.' It's completely over-the-top, it's completely insane, it absolutely knows it, and it positively revels in it. This will work for some people, but others will find it stupid. And I admit, some of it is stupid. Folks, this is a movie with 'Dodgeball' in the title, so would you like to guess what part of the male anatomy is used quite often as a punch line? How willing you are to invest your time in the insanity of the proceedings will likely determine how much enjoyment you'll get from the movie. I'm a fan of insanity, so it worked for me.Read Johnny Betts' review of "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story," starring Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn.June 16, 2004Only in Hollywood...I know this is old news, and I'm not sure why it took me so long to comment on it, but folks, that's just hilarious. That's the sort of news you should be paying your agent big bucks to do everything to keep quiet. A chest wig? That reminds me of the time in high school when my Modern History teacher (a very unattractive woman) was complaining about inequality in the work place. She said, "What are women supposed to do, start wearing fake chest hair?" My comment, "Well, in your case, there's no need to fake it" went over swimmingly with the students, but not so much with her. While walking to the principal's office, I had no choice but to pause and reflect on my actions and wonder if making the students laugh was really worth making the comment and the hassle that came with it. My answer now, as it was then, is you better believe it. After all, laughter is the best gift you can give. It was my gift to my fellow students, and it's my gift to the world. Or something. June 15, 2004I thought the trailer for "Soul Plane" was pretty funny, but I had a strong suspicion that all the humor would be crammed in the trailer, so I didn't have much interest in seeing it. Thankfully, Mr. Shade is not quite as discerning as I, and he went and saw the movie, and welp, it looks like my suspicion was correct. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back."Many people will be offended by the negative stereotypes and racial slurs in 'Soul Plane.' I was much more offended by the lack of humor. Teenagers will probably think this movie is hilarious, but most of them shouldn't be seeing it. My suggestion is that you wait until the movie comes out on TV and find someone who has already seen the movie so that they can tell you where to fast forward to. This movie would have been hilarious as a 15-minute skit on the Dave Chappelle show."Mr. Shade reviews "Soul Plane," starring Kevin Hart, Tom Arnold, and Snoop Dogg.June 14, 2004Johnny Betts a studio plant?My review of "The Stepford Wives" is garnering my biggest response yet. Somebody who refers to himself/herself as "theleav" called it, "the funniest, smartest, jazziest piece of writing I've read in a long time." However, somebody I only know as "fresch53" asked me to, "please get back on your meds." That's hilarious, and you better believe I'm keeping that quote. Thanks to my recent rash of responses, I've decided to add a new section on the Movie Mark that will include user comments and my responses to those comments. So whether you like me or hate me, let your voice be heard. Just understand that I reserve the right to laugh at you or make fun of you. But if I can take it, then you should be able to as well. I'll keep everybody updated. Johnny Betts Announces MergerJune 11, 2004
"'The Chronicles of Riddick' delivers the goods. Fast-paced action? Check. Cool special effects? Check. Vin Diesel wreaking havoc? Check. A hot chick kicking some butt? Check. Vin Diesel in a sleeveless shirt for the ladies? Check. Oh, and there's actually a little story added for good measure! Of course, if you're the type of person who wants to nitpick about every plot point in a science fiction movie, then you'll find something to complain about. So how about you just stay away and let the rest of us sit back and be entertained by the experience, thanks.Johnny Betts reviews "The Chronicles of Riddick," starring Vin Diesel.
""'Garfield: The Movie' is OK. It's not what I would personally call a good movie (even though I did laugh a few times), but this is mainly for the kids, and they will most likely enjoy it. Parents who love cutesy fluff should enjoy it as well. It's quick, harmless, and kid-friendly. Oh, and if you're an adult who still has Garfield posters on your wall, then I'm sure you'll enjoy the movie also, but I'm afraid that's probably the least of your worries.Johnny Betts reviews "Garfield," starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Bill Murray's voice.June 9, 2004
"'The Stepford Wives' is an unfunny, unemotional,
non-thrilling movie that really offers nothing of interest to the casual viewer. If you're moved to laughter by
Bette Midler making weasel faces or Glenn Close acting super-fake and super-annoying, then you might enjoy this,
although I have no clue why.
Folks, "The Stepford Wives" is a strong contender for "Worst Movie of
the Year," and my review tells you exactly why I feel that way. Thank
goodness I get to see "The Chronicles of Riddick" tonight. I need something to cleanse my palate.June 8, 2004Hollywood is Calling...Kato Kaelin? Todd Bridges? Mr. Belding from "Saved By the Bell"? Come on, who wants to get a call from these jokers? I'm sorry, but having Richard Hatch (the loser from "Survivor") call me as my birthday gift would be grounds for ending a friendship. Get me a DVD instead. What's even sadder, is those are some of the more "well-known" names on the list. There are 58 celebrities available, and I'll be shocked if you've heard of more than 20 of 'em. The site actually claims, "there's no better way to impress a client, a sweetheart or a friend than to have a celebrity call." Any business that attempts to impress a client with a call from Welcome Back Kotter's Horshack better just go ahead and pull out those bankruptcy papers. And guys, trust me, there are MUCH better things to get your sweetheart than a call from Lou Ferrigno. I love how on their page they have quotes from TV Guide, People Magazine, etc. My favorite quote is from MSNBC: "This would be an enjoyable service." Um, am I the only one who thinks this quote was taken out of context? I'm guessing the full quote is something akin to, "This would be an enjoyable service ... if there were actually real celebrities on here." Most of these people never had careers in the first place, but if they did, then there's no better way to signify that your career is over than to participate in this. Where's Corey Feldman? I'm absolutely shocked he's not part of this. This has given me a good idea though. I'm starting up a service called "The Movie Mark is calling." For a mere $20 you can have any one of the fine contributors to the Movie Mark call you or a friend and deliver a nice little message. For example, you could get me to call and read one of my movie reviews to you. How awesome would that be? You better act fast though. I expect this to be very successful, and before long I might be too busy to answer your request. Hollywood is calling, huh? The irony of it is that Hollywood may be calling, but it sure ain't calling anybody that's participating in that service. June 7, 2004Movie of the Week - The Chronicles of RiddickAs many of you know, it's the sequel to "Pitch Black." If you haven't seen PB, then you really need to give it a look. Don't let the term "sequel" fool you though. TCOR doesn't really have much to do with PB. PB set up the characters of Riddick and Jake (now known as Kyra), and now TCOR is going to expand greatly from there. I know most of you ladies probably think it's going to be an all-out testosterone-fueled slugfest, but the story actually sounds interesting. So don't be scared if your man wants to drag you along to it. Don't think to yourself, "Great, he wants me to see a stupid Vin Diesel movie." I think it's gonna be much smarter than "XXX." However, if there's a scene where Riddick hangs off the back of a motorcycle to shoot some bad guys then I'll openly weep in the theater. June 4, 2004More Movie Horror StoriesJune 3, 2004"'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' is sure to give fans of the series exactly what they want, especially in regard to the top-notch special effects. I'm not a Harry Potter fan, and this movie didn't do enough to make me a convert, but I still found it mildly entertaining if not mind-blowing. If you loved the previous two movies then you won't be disappointed."Johnny Betts reviews "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," starring the Rachel Dratch-looking Daniel Radcliffe and Gary Oldman.June 2, 2004Movie Horror Stories |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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