BREAKING NEWS - JUNE 2006
June 30, 2006
Josh Brolin is D.C. Smalls
Josh Brolin filmed a short back in 2001 called D.C. Smalls. I've been patiently waiting to see it ever
since then, and I'm happy to report that it's now available for your viewing pleasure. Head to
Alexandra Valenti's website and click on
"dc SMALLS" under the "short films" section. It's quirky, original, and hilarious, and Josh does an excellent
job of showcasing his comedic side. Give it a look.
"Miles Millimeter. They call him 'The Inch.'"
Blockbuster Used DVD Sale
Blockbuster is having a "50% off Used DVDs" sale through July 5. I highly suggest you take advantage of this. Even
if you pick up a couple of clunkers you can always trade them back in for $3 store credit per title. It's
cheaper than renting!
The Coreys
I meant to mention this bit of joyful news earlier - Corey Feldman and Corey Haim are desperately pitching an
idea for a new show to any network and cable station that will listen. It'll be a mix of fictional and factual
elements. Don't worry; I'll keep you updated on the latest news of what is sure to be groundbreaking
television.
Oh, and in case you haven't read it go check out my Superman
Returns review. You'll be glad you did!
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June 29, 2006
REVIEW: Superman Returns
"Superman Returns is a good addition to the comic book
movie collection that will satisfy the fanboys and will moderately entertain the general population, but it
probably won't create a whole lot of new diehards. Here's hoping that this is just a solid start and that the
next one in the series will maximize the potential."
Johnny Betts reviews Superman Returns, starring Brandon
Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey, and Lex Luthor.
Enjoy the review. I tried to give you a perspective that keeps
things light and gives you some things to think about. I defy you to disagree with my observations!
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June 28, 2006
Temporary Superman Returns Review...
You know what? My heart just hasn't been in it to finish my Superman Returns review today. I know that
the majority of my readers (probably 5 out of the 8 of ya) think that I'm Superman, but let's just say
unenthusiastically writing movie reviews when I'm not in the mood is my kryptonite. Yeah, let's be real lame
and say that.
Anyway, I'm gonna work on my review tonight and plan on posting it (with Odds & Ends and all that tasty stuff)
tomorrow. If you can't wait until tomorrow and you're determined to see it today then chances are my review
wouldn't have made a difference. However, if you just absolutely need Johnny Betts' opinion right this very
second then here is a comment I made yesterday on the
Movie Mark message board:
"I saw this one last night, and I have to agree that it exceeded my expectations. Is it the cure for cancer
that most critics are claiming? No. But it's solid Summer entertainment.
Brandon Routh really was quite good as Superman, and I thought he was especially good as the awkward, dorky
Clark Kent.
I agree with FM about the Kryptonite, however, I disagree with her about Kevin Spacey.
He wasn't as bad as I thought he was going to be, and I did think he was all right, but I still felt he was a
bit out of character for Lex Luthor. He was slightly over-the-top (not too bad), but he wasn't as menacing as I
hoped he'd be. More annoying than anything.
If you have no familiarity with the comics or previous movies then you'd have no idea why Lex would be considered
Superman's adversary.
And that was my major problem with the movie - a lack of a worthy opponent for our red-spandexed hero.
Still, it was quite entertaining, and the 2 1/2 hour runtime went by quickly."
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June 27, 2006
Johnny Betts' Movie News That's Not Really Newsworthy
Jolie & Pitt Baby Shower Photos Stolen, Johnny Betts Yawns
Memphis, TN - Johnny Betts expressed stern indifference upon hearing the news that bee stung-lipped Angelina
Jolie and hygiene-phobic Brad Pitt recently had personal photos stolen, including ones from a baby shower in
Namibia, the south African country where Jolie and Pitt are currently scrambling for publicity.
"How on earth is my life enhanced by possessing this useless knowledge?" asked the flawless, highly entertaining
Betts. "I wish somebody would have stolen that bit of news so I would've never had my time wasted by hearing
it. They need to stop having baby showers and get Pitt to take a real shower. I've heard he reeks of
B.O."
Betts clearly has an upper hand on Pitt in the cleanliness department. The legendary online mocker of movies
is said to smell like the alluring combination of Right Guard Sport anti-perspirant and Polo cologne. With a
hint of cinnamon.
Jolie and Pitt could not be reached for comment. They were too busy looking for another photo-op with an
African backdrop.
Enough with the Pirate Jokes Already
Am I the only one ready for Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to be released so we can be done with all the
pirate jokes? I am hereby calling for a moratorium on all jokes that relate to the usage of
"aaaaaaaaarrrrrr."
It was funny when Robot Chicken did it a couple of months ago, and a handful of the puns have been mildly
humorous since then, but seriously, it's run its course. I was listening to a radio station this morning and
they were really milking it for all its worth. I hate to rain on everybody's bad pun parade (actually, I love
it), but here are a selection of 'em and my descriptions of why they don't work within the pirate context:
"When does a pirate become a man? At his baaaaaaaaarrrrrrmitzvah." - Everybody
knows there are no Jewish pirates. I defy you to prove otherwise. Ridiculous.
"Do you know a pirate's favorite place to eat? Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrby's!" - They didn't
have Arby's back when real pirates (the one's who'd say "aaaaaaaaarrrrrr") were around.
"What's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation? A caaaaaaaaarrrrrr!" - Wow.
That couldn't have been less funny if the writers from Date Movie had
come up with it. Actually, a pirate's favorite mode of transportation is a ship. Quit being lame, thanks.
"What's a pirate's favorite month? Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgust!" - OK, now that's just
stupid. Please stop before I have to hurt somebody.
See what I mean? Come on, folks, let's just quit this. Please resist the temptation to call the radio
station and submit your own. It won't be funny, and you'll only embarrass yourself.
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June 26, 2006
The Sci-Fi Channel Report
Android Apocalypse - I recorded this for one reason and one reason only - the
commercials hyped the appearance of the WWE's Chris Jericho. Well, if you're like me (and isn't that what
you should all strive for?) and are curious to see how everybody's favorite funny man wrestler does then here's
all you need to know: he plays an android, he only has a handful of lines, he has a couple of fight scenes, and
he is given little else to do but stare wide-eyed at the camera as if he's Paris Hilton after being asked to
spell "talent."
Jericho's character arc is finished before the first commercial break, at which point you can feel free to delete
this from your TiVo or DVR. Unless you just insist on watching Joey (I refuse to call him "Joseph") Lawrence
move his head around robotically in a failed attempt to convince us he's an android.
Coming up this Saturday is one I think I'll try to watch from start to finish: Jolly Roger:
Massacre at Cutter's Cove. It's about a pirate that's raised from the dead and kills people. Or something.
I don't know. I doubt the plot's really that important. All I know is that during the commercial one of the
"actor's" lines of dialogue was, "It's rated aaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!" That was enough to convince me to check this one
out on a "shoppin' for cheese" trip.
One Minute Review: A Civil Action
Welcome to a new feature here at the Movie Mark - the One Minute Review. There are several movies that I may
not catch on the big screen but later check out on DVD or TV. I don't really feel like writing long, complex
reviews, but hey, you may be wondering if the movie's any good, and so it's only fair that I give an appraisal
that'll convince you of whether it's worth your time or not. Right? Right. These reviews are designed to take
not much more than one minute of my time. We'll see how it goes. They'll probably technically be "10 minute
reviews," but it looks better if I claim I wrote everything in a minute. I have about three ready to go, but
we'll start off with just one today:
A Civil Action - A 1998 drama starring Robert Duvall and John Travolta. There's a
bad epidemic a' brewin' and it involves several children in the same area dying of cancer. It turns out that
a Tannery company (not the kind George Hamilton frequents) may be dumping toxic waste in a nearby lake. Or
river. Some big body of water where the families apparently get their drinking water. The families of the
dead children decide to sue, and John Travolta takes the case, despite the fact that it could bankrupt him.
I'm on a big "recording all of Robert Duvall's movies" kick at the moment, and this was the first in the
queue. It's solid, Saturday evening entertainment for those of you who enjoy courtroom dramas. You can
catch it on the AMC channel about 12 times a week. Can it actually be considered an American Movie Classic?
Well, that can be debated, but I don't think that moniker is to be taken very literally considering AMC also
airs non classics such as Halloween 5 and Slap Shot 2 (sorry Stephen, but I think you'd
agree).
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June 23, 2006
REVIEW: Click
"The bottom line, America, is Click will have quite the mixed
reaction, even among Sandler's staunchest fanboys. Can you handle the dramatic shift? Will you buy into it?
Can you tolerate the sometimes juvenile and sophomoric humor on display? I've equipped you with the necessary
knowledge; it's now up to you to make your choice."
Johnny Betts reviews Click, starring Adam Sandler and the
jaw-dropping Kate Beckinsale. Let's make the "Kate Beckinsale Massage Challenge" a reality. No idea what
I'm talking about? Well, I guess you'll just have to read the review
then.
REVIEW: The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
"It's been said that Tokyo Drift director Justin Lin, 'picks up
where John Singleton (2 Fast 2 Furious) left off...' In my opinion, Lin should take that as an insult.
Tokyo Drift has far surpassed its predecessor and left 2F2F in
its dust."
Johnny Betts has not seen Tokyo Drift yet, so Jen has been
kind enough to handle the reviewing duties for this one. Did y'all know that she's a bit of a racer herself?
Probably not. How would you? But it's true. Plus, she's familiar with the drifting scene, so she's qualified
to give a fair assessment on whether this movie does it justice. Show her a little love and check out her
review.
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June 22, 2006
REVIEW: Broken Trail
"Watching AMC's Western miniseries Broken Trail is similar to
reading a compelling novel - the beauty's in the details. Rather than rushing story and character development
in order to get to the next action scene (so as to appease those with Attention Span Deficit Syndrome),
Broken Trail understands that the mark of a really good
Western lies with interesting, colorful characters and a storytelling style that convinces you to keep
watching."
Johnny Betts reviews Broken Trail, starring Robert Duvall
and Thomas Haden Church.
Tokyo Drift Update...
Sigh. Jen sent me her review of Tokyo Drift, and I got it all prepared and ready to post on the Movie
Mark, and you know what? I headed to work this morning and accidentally left behind the jump drive that the
review is stored on. Sorry about that! I'll have her Tokyo Drift review and my review of Click
posted tomorrow.
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June 21, 2006
Movie Mark Original #15
Title: Hound Dog Desert
Tagline: He Ain't No Friend of Yours.
Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, some hot chick, an Elvis impersonator
Plot Summary: In a desperate effort to keep up with the fast-paced world of Elvis
impersonating, a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator (played by a real-life Elvis impersonator) resorts to taking a
No-Doze/steroid concoction. Unfortunately, the hound dog that he uses as part of his stage act gets into his
stash and inexplicably grows to about 40 feet high.
The hound dog rampages through the city before running off to find refuge in the hot Nevada desert. A team of
Special Forces, led by former Navy Seal Teddy Bare (Lamas), is called in to hunt the dog down and put it to sleep.
The Elvis impersonator tags along hoping that he can convince Teddy Bare and his men not to kill his beloved
canine partner.
Bare's Opening Scene: Teddy Bare and his men arrive in Las Vegas and immediately
begin to assess the situation. The Elvis impersonator introduces himself, but Bare is very gruff and curt with
him. The Elvis wannabe huffs and exclaims, "They said you was high classed. Well, that was just a lie."
Pivotal Scene: Bare and his men (including Spider Murphy, Little Joe, and Drummer
Boy) have reached the desert and are ready to begin their search. Bare is concerned about being attacked from
the left or right and he wants to make sure he's covered on all sides. He asks his men what they think
they should to do assure this and the Elvis impersonator speaks up and says, "Flank you, flank you very much."
Climactic Scene: Once Bare and Co. track down the Hound Dog, they have come to the
conclusion that they have no alternative but to take him down. He can never be returned to his normal size,
and a 40-foot dog cannot be allowed to roam the streets.
This doesn't sit well with the Elvis impersonator, but he's outnumbered and has no recourse. He looks at Bare
and says, "You live for this, don't you? You're just itchin' to kill something." Bare turns to him, takes the
cigar out of his mouth, smiles, and replies, "Like a man on a fuzzy tree."
And this, folks, is why the Sci-Fi Channel should hire me, Johnny Betts, to add a little life and cheese to their
low-budget originals. This is gold, and you know it.
Take a look at my other Movie Mark Originals right here.
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June 20, 2006
AMC's Broken Trail
Go ahead and clear your schedule for this weekend and make plans to catch AMC's Broken Trail, which
premieres on Sunday June 25th at 7:00 PM Central and concludes the following Monday. As you know, I'm a huge fan
of Westerns, and Broken Trail is exactly what I needed to give me a Western fix in a movie/TV landscape
that inexplicably doesn't seem to have the time, money, or patience to do the genre right.
Set in 1897, Print Ritter (Robert Duvall) and his estranged nephew Tom Harte (Thomas Haden Church) become the
reluctant guardians of five abused and abandoned Chinese girls (introducing Caroline Chan, Olivia Cheng, Jadyn
Wong, Valerie Tian, and Gwendoline Yeo). Ritter and Harte's attempts to care for the girls are complicated by
their responsibility to deliver a herd of horses while avoiding a group of bitter rivals intent on kidnapping
the girls for their own purposes.
If you're a fan of Western epics in the vein of Lonesome Dove then you'll want to check out Broken
Trail. Church proves himself quite a versatile actor (how far has he come since Wings?), and Duvall
puts in the type of effortless performance that I could watch him deliver every week.
Check out my Broken Trail info page for a closer look at this miniseries,
and check out Broken Trail's official website
for more information, including pictures, videos, and a look behind the scenes.
Full review coming soon.
On DVD this Week
THE HILLS HAVE EYES
"I'm not very vocal during movies. I usually don't clap and scream and hoot and holler like most the dorks
sitting around me, but there were a couple of scenes where I literally said aloud, 'Ooooooooooh, crap!' Of
course, one of those instances was during a trailer for Phat Girlz, but one scene of violence left my
mouth hanging open for about 30 seconds. Then I realized that my mouth was agape like some buffoon, so I
quickly closed it."
The Hills Have Eyes will satisfy all you gore hounds out
there, but let me reiterate this warning: "this is a movie that contains severed body parts, brutal shootings,
axes to the head, a person biting off a bird's head and drinking its blood, and disturbing violence to helpless
women."
Does that give you a good enough idea if this is worthy of a rental?
Special Features:
- Commentary by director/co-screenwriter Alexandre Aja, art director/co-screenwriter Gregory Levasseur and
producer Marianne Maddalena
- Commentary by producers Wes Craven and Peter Locke
- "Surviving the Hills: Making of The Hills Have Eyes" documentary
- Production diaries
- Music video
Hmm, those features don't really scream "special" to me. You know they're desperate whenever some stupid music
video is thrown in there.
Also being released this week:
Syriana - Hey, it's the horribly boring movie that George Clooney
unjustifiably won an Oscar for. Unless you're an insomniac then I recommend skipping this sleeping pill. Just
read my review if you want more reason why.
Eight Below - Paul Walker cries over some sled dogs being stranded in Antarctica. Haven't seen it, but
I've had people begrudgingly tell me that it ain't too shabby if you're into sentimental, inspirational sap.
Night Watch - Some sort of Russian horror movie that rips off a title from what I'm sure is a much
superior Josh Brolin film (Nightwatch). I was told it's decent. Perhaps I'll watch it one day and
confirm or deny that assertion.
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June 19, 2006
Help Screech Save His House!
Poor Dustin Diamond. Apparently those Celebrity Boxing residuals aren't as lucrative as you may have
thought. The man formerly, presently, and futurely known as "Screech" has had to resort to selling t-shirts
with his picture on them in order to raise enough money to save his house from foreclosure.
You can get a regular t-shirt for $15, or you can really go the collector's route and get an autographed one
for $20. Nothing will tell your grandchildren "I used to be a big loser" louder than an autographed Screech
t-shirt.
Oh, and you want to know what's really sad about all this? The shirt has "Screeech" spelled with a third "e"
to get around copyright laws. If you ever wanted an example of hitting rock bottom and continuing to dig...
If you'd like to purchase one of these shirts and become the butt of all your friends' jokes or if you'd just
like to laugh at what Screech is up to these days then
follow this link.
The Video Clip of the Day
If the thought of a white guy with a mullet trying to rap about fruit loops and playing basketball sounds like
comedic gold to you then check out this video
of the Average Homeboy. Love the acid wash jeans.
AMC's Broken Trail
I had the privilege of watching AMC's upcoming Western miniseries Broken Trail this weekend, and I have
to say it's fantastic. It stars Robert Duvall and Thomas Haden Church and premieres June 25. Check back this
week for a lot more info (including a synopsis, clips, my review, and more). Those of you longing for a
quality Western epic will be more than pleased. Duvall was born for roles like this.
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June 16, 2006
REVIEW: The Lake House
"As long as you're willing to give this film your undivided attention for approximately 100 minutes (and you can
easily forgive its shortcomings) then The Lake House will prove
to be an intriguing piece of film for lovers of the romance genre.
And hey, even if romances aren't your thing, there might just be enough mystery here to keep your interest.
After the movie, Mr. Shade commented, 'As far as romances go, this is probably the best I've seen.' And he
hated The Notebook, ladies."
Johnny Betts reviews The Lake House, the supernatural romance
starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves.
REVIEW: Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties
"Little kids will likely enjoy it. I was in a theater full of 'em, and they cackled at every burp and
flatulence joke, and they howled every time Billy Connolly (trying hard to summon John Cleese) got bit in the
crotch by a dog or slammed in the head by a household appliance. Meanwhile, I just stared stone-faced at the
screen, as if I were at a Paris Hilton poetry reading."
Johnny Betts reviews Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, starring
Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Billy Connolly, and Bill Murray's voice.
Meanwhile, Charles Dickens rolls in his grave.
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June 15, 2006
REVIEW: Nacho Libre
"It says a lot about Black's talent that his mere presence can keep a film afloat. His contorted facial
expressions, decidedly unsexy poses, fake Spanish accent, and tendency to break out into song is enough to
keep his fans, like yours truly, entertained. His narration of a letter he wrote to Sister Encarnacion is
particularly hysterical. But the movie's strong point also exposes its main weakness - without Black this
film is a disaster."
Johnny Betts reviews Nacho Libre, starring Jack Black.
Allow me to introduce you to the newest member of the Movie Mark team - Jen Lee. Jen's a journalism major, and
she has a voice that she wants heard. She's getting her feet wet by adding her two cents worth (probably a
little more than that) to the Nacho Libre review.
You're getting a nice, long, healthy review today, so be thankful. You should walk away with no doubts about
what to expect from the film AND you get both a male and female perspective. All free of charge, folks.
Jen will take on her first solo review next week with TF&TF: Tokyo Drift.
Tune in tomorrow when I'll have reviews of Garfield 2 and The Lake House.
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June 14, 2006
REVIEW: A Prairie Home Companion
"A Prairie Home Companion the movie is the same type
of variety show as A Prairie Home Companion the radio
show (that's being performed for the movie). It has elements of film noir, comedy, and drama. You'll laugh,
you'll cry, you'll laugh while you cry. I would describe it as Comedy Noir."
I have yet to see A Prairie Home Companion (I had
to miss the 10:00 AM weekday screening) but Mrs. Ms. Cali saw it and she has been so kind to review it. If
you want a little more information on what this limited release is all about then you'll find it
here.
Uwe Boll Wants to Fight his Critics!
This is too great. Much-maligned director Uwe Boll has issued a challenge to his most outspoken critics. In a
recent press release, Boll states that toward the end of filming of one of his upcoming box office bombs
(Postal) he will fly five of his harshest critics to Vancouver and supply them with hotel rooms. Each
of these critics will be given the chance to fight Boll in a 10-round boxing match. Scenes from the matches
will be chosen to appear in the movie.
Here are the requirements:
1) You must be male.
2) You must weigh between 140 and 190 lbs.
3) You have to pass a physical and sign a liability form.
4) You need to have written at least two negative reviews of pre-2006 Boll films.
Well, I've only torn apart one of Boll's movies (Alone in the
Dark), but I've seen House of the Dead and could quickly put together a scathing review to
make myself eligible.
I'd also have to lose five lbs. to reach the required 190. I'll be humbly honest, I'm not sure where I'll
find five extra pounds that I can shed off this gorgeously sculpted body, but I'm sure I could figure out
something. Perhaps I'm filled with at least five extra pounds of modesty that I could get rid of.
Boll will pay for transportation and lodging, and those chosen will also have the opportunity to appear in the
film as a stand-in. It'd be great publicity for the site.
What do y'all think? Should Johnny and his size 11 biker boots enter the Uwe Boll challenge? I'm sure he'll
look at all eligible entrants and choose the five oldest, scrawniest reviewers he can find. Since most
reviewers are 50+ years old and likely haven't lifted anything that weighs more than their silverware, Boll
probably thinks he's hedging a pretty safe bet. Chances are he really has no desire to tangle with a critic
who actually has kickboxing, wrestling, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighting experience. But wouldn't it be sweet
if he did?
With my luck he's some former Golden Gloves boxer who'd give me a bit of a rude awakening, but I'd at least
get my shots in, and I'd walk away with publicity that money can't buy.
You can read the full press release
here.
Still to Come this Week
Well, I was able to see Nacho Libre last night. I'll have reviews of it and The Lake House by
tomorrow or Friday. Garfield will definitely be on Friday. Contain your excitement if you can.
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June 13, 2006
On DVD this Week
16 BLOCKS
"Sure, 16 Blocks is a story about change and redemption, but no
one is riding any high horses here. That could be because none of the castmembers are as short as Tom Cruise,
or maybe it's because Richard Donner knows how to let a message unfold within the story and its characters
without beating us over the head with self-appointed superiority.
You may not get any Oscar nominations that way, but at least you present an entertaining film that the
majority of moviegoers will enjoy."
This is just good, solid entertainment, especially if you like Bruce Willis playing a grizzled, down-and-out
cop. Better catch him in that role while you can because that doesn't sound like the type of character he'd
ever revisit!
Special Features:
- Alternate ending
- Deleted scenes with director/screenwriter commentary
Um, an alternate ending and some deleted scenes?
"Dear Viewers,
In regard to your request for more special features on DVDs we would just like to say up yours.
Signed,
Warner Bros."
KISS KISS, BANG BANG
"The pace comes at us almost as quickly as the clever dialogue, making it nearly impossible for the average
viewer to get bored. You may be offended, you may not appreciate the dark humor, and you may not get the style,
but I would predict the majority of you won't get bored. Will I refund your ticket money if you do get bored?
No, absolutely not. Don't be silly. I'll just say, 'Oh well, I guess you're just in the minority on this
one!'"
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang is an example of what I don't
understand about Hollywood. This is an original, creative film featuring two quality actors in Val Kilmer
and Robert Downey Jr. that was good enough to make my Best of 2005
list, yet it was only released on slightly more than 200 screens.
However, that stupid Shawn Wayans' Little Man film will probably get a wide release on about 4000
screens and will be crammed down our throats via the magic of TV spots for about a month. I don't get it.
Special Features:
- Commentary by: Val Kilmer, Robert Downey Jr., and Shane BlackUnknown Format
- Gag reel
Sigh. I think I'm about to make my own gag reel because this severe lack of special features is making me
sick! This is another Warner Bros. release. Does the studio have a phobia regarding special features that I
need to know about? COME ON!
Also being released this week:
The Pink Panther
The World's Fastest Indian
Forty Shades of Blue
Green Street Hooligans
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Neil Young: Heart of Gold
Aquamarine
End of the Spear
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June 12, 2006
Opening this Week
If you want to know what the dealio with Coolio is then I'm afraid I have no idea. I don't keep up with Coolio's
career. However, I can let you know what's going on with the 43 movies that are being released this week.
If you're wondering what the above lame joke means, well, I have a friend who, as an attempt at a unique greeting,
would say, "What's the dealio with Coolio?" I never knew if this was some trendy catchphrase that he stole from
somebody or if he was referring to me as Coolio because of how cool I am. Having no clue why he chose
this exact phrase, I'd always reply with, "I have no idea because I don't keep up with Coolio's career."
I could tell it annoyed him, and he eventually stopped using the phrase.
"Admit it, Johnny, it was really you who used the catchphrase, wasn't it?"
Whatever. We have movies to discuss.
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties - Saw it on Saturday. Um, if you saw the first one
then you know what to expect. I'll post my review on Friday and will save my humorous commentary until then.
However, let me be the first to make a comment about how a movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt (showing off her
ample cleavage, no less) calling itself "A Tale of Two Kitties" is just BEGGING for inappropriate puns. Trust
me; there'll be at least a couple of reviews who'll use the pun (you know good and well what I mean, don't play
innocent) and they'll act like it's something original they came up with.
Make sure you email them and let 'em know they're ripping off Johnny Betts.
The Lake House - I'm seeing it tonight. I'm guarding my hopes. I like the potential
of the supernatural elements, but there's still the issue of this being a romance starring Keanu Reeves. Things
could go horribly wrong once he's required to emote and talk about sunsets. We'll see.
Oh, and you still have time to sign up for the Lake House and Superman
contests if you're interested.
Nacho Libre - This one's being screened on Tuesday. Jack Black playing a priest who
moonlights as a Mexican wrestler (luchador) - sounds hilarious, right? You'd think so, but I have to be honest
and say the trailers haven't won me over. I'm concerned.
I really wanted to see this one on Tuesday because this is one movie I hope will exceed my expectations. I like
Jack Black, so I was thrilled when I originally heard about the movie and its concept. Then I saw the trailer.
Unfortunately, Stephanie's selfish disregard for my schedule has resulted in the need for me to pick her
up from the airport at 8:30 PM on Tuesday evening. For some reason my suggestion of, "Could you just wait at
the airport for about an hour and a half until the movie's over?" didn't go over too well.
Sigh. Somebody needs a little lesson in thinking of others first.
Never fear. A young journalism major who goes by the name of Jen has told me she'd review the movie for me.
I'll give her a more formal introduction later. She's expressed interest in helping out the Movie Mark, and I
welcome all the help I can get.
Unless you have no creativity or talent. In that case I'd prefer you be a mere
spectator and not burden me with the task of finding an excuse for why I don't want you trying to help.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - I have a feeling this will become the poster
child for unnecessary SECOND sequels. Unless another xXx sequel comes out. When I originally read that
this was being filmed (and that non-talents such as Lucas Black and Home Improvement's Zachary Ty Bryan were
attached) I started referring to this as The Fast and the Furious: Straight to DVD. But surprisingly it's
getting a big screen release.
This is one I wanted to see on a "so bad it's entertaining" level, but unfortunately it's also being screened
on Tuesday. It could be a legitimate slice of mindless entertainment, but if the trailer's any judge then
Lucas Black's Sling Blade accent makes me wary of that. Come on, who thought this 'neck was lead
actor material?
The Omen
Well, The Omen defied the odds and covered its budget in less than a week. Not bad. I still haven't seen
it, but the consensus is that it's OK but not as good as the original. Over on the
Movie Mark Message Board there's a thread where
Fiery Maid mentions what three of her friends thought of the movie. Head over there and look for the "Omen 666"
thread if you're interested. Surprisingly, two of her friends thought Julia "Round Face" Stiles did a good job.
No word on how much she looks like Leonardo DiCaprio in the film though.
Also no word on Liev "What do I have to do to become a big star?" Schreiber's performance. Probably because
everybody just assumed he was Jerry O'Connell and didn't feel like discussing him.
How to Freak Out Tourists
So I'm at the downtown coffee cafe partaking in a little $0.75 refill action when I noticed a couple in the
cafe looking out the window, acting like something exciting was going on outside. I could tell they were tourists
because they had Swedish accents. Or I guess they could've been Danish or Norwegian. Dunno. You'll have to
forgive my lack of sensitivity when it comes to those particular accents because I always get them confused.
All I know is that Swedish/Danish/Norwegian people love Elvis, and that brings a lot of them to Memphis. Walk
down Beale Street on a weekend and you'll see at least eight people with Elvis sideburns, a slick pompadour,
and a Swedish/Danish/Norwegian accent.
Anywho, I was too busy putting seven creams and nine sugars in my coffee and really didn't have the energy to
lean over and peer out the window to see what all the fuss was about. Obviously I have the energy now, but it's
too late. The guy ran outside and returned a couple of minutes later.
He was saying something to one of the employees about what was going on, but his accent was very thick, and I could
tell by the look on the waitress' face that she was as clueless as I was in regard to what this guy was saying.
Poor girl. She was smiling and nodding politely, but you could see the fear in her eyes. It was that fear you
get when you can't understand someone, so you just sit there and listen and hope they don't ask a question that
requires a specific answer lest you come off as insensitive.
We've all been there, so don't pretend you haven't.
I did happen to pick up on one thing he was saying. He mentioned wanting to take some woman's picture but she said
"no." Maybe they thought they saw someone famous. I'm not sure. Now I didn't want their trip to Memphis to be a
total bust so I spoke up and said, "Hey, don't worry, you can take a picture of Johnny Betts." Before the guy
could finish saying "Who?" I was already flexing and posing in my one-size-too-small button-up shirt.
The couple just sat there and stared at me. I assume their camera wasn't working. I expressed my sympathy and
told them I was sorry they couldn't take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity and walked quietly
out the door onto the downtown streets.
This is the exact reason why I need to carry my autographed 8X10s with me at all times.
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June 9, 2006
REVIEW: Cars
"Thanks to Director Lasseter's strong attention to detail, going so far as to insist that the vehicles bend and
gesture in ways that were true to their construction, every car and truck truly becomes a unique character and
personality. And along with those characters and personalities comes a story which yes, contains a well-traveled
theme, but it comes with so much charm that even Grouchy McKilljoy's hard little heart can't help but be
warmed."
Johnny Betts reviews Cars, starring the voices of Owen Wilson, Paul
Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Larry The Cable Guy, and John Ratzenberger.
If you want tons of information regarding the production of the film then you'll love my detailed Odds & Ends
section. Enjoy the review and have a great weekend.
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June 8, 2006
The Omen Remake Sets Box Office Record
In a PR move that some folks short-sightedly deemed "a little hokey," the remake of The Omen decided to
run with the Satanic Mark of the Beast 666 theme and open on 6/6/06. I wonder how long this has been in the
works? Anyway, it looks like the marketing ploy has paid dividends as the movie hauled in an impressive
$12,633,666 on its opening day.
I promise you that's the actual number being reported. I've got the press release in my masculine, yet
surprisingly nimble fingers. Do I believe the exact figure actually ends in 666? I find it highly doubtful,
and it certainly feels contrived, but all I can report is what is given to me.
This sets the biggest Tuesday opening ever in motion picture history. Granted, this could be the only Tuesday
opening ever in motion picture history, but I digress. However you want to look at it, The Omen is
going to give 20th Century Fox a sweet little return on its investment.
Since it wasn't screened in Memphis, I have yet to see it.
"But you're gonna pay to see it at the theater this weekend and then review it, right Johnny?"
BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear reader, you're so cute.
Prairie Home Companion Auction
I have a bit of news that'll likely appeal to all my older readers out there. Picturehouse has partnered up
with New Line Cinema to auction off items from the upcoming film A Prairie Home Companion. The movie
opens on Friday and stars Woody Harrelson, Tommy Lee Jones, Garrison Keillor, Kevin Kline, Lindsay Lohan,
Virginia Madsen, and a bunch of other people you've heard of.
Bidding on the first set of items began yesterday (hey, I didn't get the press release until last night, so
forgive me). Don't worry; the auction concludes on Wednesday, June 21st, so you have plenty of time. A second
set of props and wardrobe will be up for auction beginning June 21st and ending on July 5th.
I have no idea what is being auctioned, nor am I planning on bidding, but if you're interested in
viewing these items and placing bids then head on over to
www.aprairiehomecompanionmovie.com and go
crazy.
I've been told that a portion of all auctions from A Prairie Home Companion will go to charity. I have
no idea what charity though. Could be the Roger Altman (the director) Needs a New Boathouse Charity for all I
know, but I trust that's not the case.
Yet Another New Pulse Trailer
It's true! Check it out
right here.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Cars complete with loads of interesting Odds & Ends!
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June 7, 2006
On DVD this Week
UNDERWORLD EVOLUTION
"Thankfully, Underworld: Evolution picks up where
the first one leaves off and never bothers to slow down. An inevitable question is how does it compare to
the first? I hesitate to say I prefer one over the other. It's akin to trying to choose which Beckinsale pose
is the sexiest. How do you choose? Aren't they all essential?"
I'm a Beckinsale/Underworld fanboy, so I'll eventually be adding this to my collection. "Eventually"
means I'll wait until a $9.99 used copy is available for 50% off at Blockbuster. I love Kate and the movie,
but I'm still an ol' skinflint at heart.
If you enjoyed the original or you're just a fan of all things involving vampires and werewolves then this
certainly warrants at least a rental. If those things don't appeal to you then feel free to watch it at your
own risk, but first agree to forfeit your right to complain now that you know what to expect.
Special Features:
- Commentary by: director Len Wiseman, production designer Patrick Tatopoulos, second-unit director and
stunt coordinator Brad Martin, and editor Nick De Toth
- "The Hybrid Theory" visual effects featurette
- "The War Rages On" stunts featurette
- "Bloodlines: From Script to Screen" making-of featurette
- "Making Monsters Roar" creature featurette
- "Building a Saga" production design featurette
- "Music and Mayhem" music and sound design featurette
- Music video: "Her Portrait in Black" by Atreyu
Sounds like plenty to keep ya busy!
GLORY ROAD
"The thing that impressed me most regarding Glory Road is the
authentic look and feel of the movie, particularly the championship game. Filmed with a gritty, sepia look, the
viewer gets the sense that he's watching genuine footage from the '60s. The cinematography executes a great
balance between colorful and drab, effectively capturing the environment of the time and location."
This is just now being released on DVD? Weird. For some reason it sure feels like it's been out for months.
Huh. Oh well, if you love inspirational "based on a true story" sports movies then
Glory Road is definitely worth the rental.
Special Features:
- Commentary by: Director James Gartner, producer Jerry Bruckheimer, Screenwriters Christopher Cleveland and
Bettina Gilois
- Deleted scenes
- Legacy of the Bear: Highlights of Coach Haskins' illustrious career
- Surviving Practice: An inside look into Coach Haskins' training
regimen
- In Their Own Words: Remembering 1966 - Extended interviews with players and colleagues of Coach
Haskins
- Music video by Alicia Keys: "Sweet Music"
Music videos are always lame "special" features, but other than that the extras look solid, though not
breath-taking.
FIREWALL
"Firewall was never meant to cure cancer or feed the homeless.
At least I hope it wasn't, otherwise that's what I'd call a bad bit of budget mismanagement. So rather than
setting a lofty goal of saving the world, it looks to me that its intention is to entertain the audience. Does
it maintain a steady degree of tension? Yep. As a result, did it keep my interest? Yep. You know what that
means? I was entertained! Another goal accomplished! Granted, I thought the whole bit with the dog was a little
silly (I won't spoil the details), but I can let it slide."
This isn't a great movie, but if you're not too much of a nitpicker then you should at least be moderately
entertained. If you can buy into 60+ year old Grandpa Ford still kickin' bad guy posterior, that is.
Special Features:
- "Firewall Decoded: A Conversation with Harrison Ford and Richard Loncraine"
- "Firewall: Writing a Thriller" featurette
Wow. Thanks, Warner Home Video, for stiffin' us on the special features. Even Nicole Richie has more meat on
her bones. Come on, Warner, haven't you heard of trying to SELL your product? The movie's worth a rental, but
you've given us no reason to bump it up to a purchase.
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June 6, 2006
Your Chance to Win Free Stuff from The Lake House and Superman Returns
Click here for the details and sign on up!
Tuesday's Sci-Fi Channel Report
I thought I'd report on a couple of more that I couldn't finish...
- Devil's Prey - Something to do with a group of friends accepting an anonymous
invitation to a rave. Turns out it's a trap set by some Satanists to kill a bunch of people. To be honest I
can't remember what POSSESSED me to record this. BWAHAHAHAHA! If you didn't laugh at my remarkably pithy
little joke there then you'll definitely want to stay away from this one. The movie doesn't contain anything
that comes close to the entertainment value of my topical pun.
At least that's what I gathered from the 5 minutes of this skid mark that I actually watched. As soon as I
saw that it starred some Jerry O'Connell look-alike I knew it was fast-forward time. Oh wait. That's Jerry's
brother Charlie. Are they twins? They sure look it. Let me check ... nope. Jerry's more than a year older
than ol 'Charles.
I'm disappointed because I just looked at Charlie's IMDb message board, AKA the Grand Central Station of
message boards, and saw a post from August of last year that encouraged everyone (all three people reading his
board) to catch Charlie at J.C. Penney stores across the U.S. as he promoted the newest bra from Lily of
France.
Why was Charlie O'Connell promoting bras? Are the man boobs already starting to form? I'm even more disappointed
because apparently I also missed out on a chance to win a trip to New York AND (here's the best part) lunch with
Charlie. Sigh. No worries though, I've heard a rumor that Charlie is now willing to have lunch with anybody's
who paying.
Trivia question - Why is Charlie O'Connell famous?
"Because he's Jerry's brother?"
Nice try, but it was a trick question. Charlie O'Connell ISN'T famous. Even I'm a bigger movie star.
- Abominable - Talk about an ABOMINABLE waste of time! I'm here all week, folks.
I thought this might be somewhat interesting to check out since it stars Lloyd Braun of Seinfeld fame, but
it's not. The well-developed and "unchartered waters" story deals with a Bigfoot creature killin' some hot chicks and a wheelchair-bound
Lloyd Braun watching from his house and trying to warn them. Deep stuff.
The creature isn't on-screen all that much, and I can't blame the filmmakers for going that route since the ape
costume they use is absolutely ridiculous. He looks like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons. Only less
menacing.
Jean-Claude Van Damme was once attached to a movie entitled Abominable, but it dealt with an abominable
snow man. I have no doubt it would have been all sorts of Chris Kattan bad, but Van Damme roundhouse kicking
a huge snow man would've been worlds more entertaining than watching a man in a Walmart gorilla suit chase some
bimbos around. Fast forward through this if you must, but be prepared not to stop on more than five minutes
worth of "action."
Oh, and I haven't heard any Disability Rights groups complaining that a real disabled actor should've been
chosen to play Lloyd Braun's role. Of course, in doing so they'd have to admit they watched the film or
resort to watching the film, so I can understand their lack of desire to champion that cause.
Rob Zombie to Direct New Halloween Movie
And I don't mean a movie that's coming out at Halloween. I'm talking about the next installment in the
Halloween franchise. The press release states, "Zombie's vision of this film is an entirely new take on
the legend and will satisfy fans of the classic 'Halloween' legacy while beginning a new chapter in the Michael
Myers saga. This new movie will not only appeal to horror fans, but to a wider movie-going audience as well.
It will not be a copycat of any prior films in the 'Halloween' franchise."
I love how all these press releases talk about what a wide audience the movie will appeal to. "This movie will
not only appeal to old people but to younger people as well. It will satisfy fans of horror, comedy, romance,
AND drama. Every person of every gender, race, and age will be able to find entertainment value. It will be
unlike any movie ever made and won't emulate anything you've ever seen before. Go see the movie. It will change
Hollywood as we know it."
I'm going the whole clichéd "the jury is still out" route on this one, but I'll admit that I'm curiously
interested in seeing what Zombie will do with it. Feel free to read the rest of the press release
RIGHT HERE.
New Pulse Trailer
Interested in the upcoming horror flick Pulse?
Click here to check
out the new trailer.
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June 5, 2006
The Lake House and Superman Returns Contests
Who wants a chance to win some The Lake House and Superman Returns freebies? Weeeeell, check
back tomorrow and I'll have the details for you and the link for you to sign up.
Sci-Fi Channel Report
Some of you may know that the Sci-Fi Channel ran a bad movie marathon during Memorial Day weekend. Granted,
they tried to sell it as if they were showing top-notch, state-of-the-art programming, but if you're reading
the Movie Mark then you're obviously way too smart to fall for that.
What better way to honor all those brave Americans who risked or gave their lives while defending and fighting
for freedom than showing three days of really horrible movies?
It reminds me of the time Kenny G released a Christmas album, and Norm MacDonald said, "Happy birthday,
Jesus; hope you like crap!" I still love that line. "Thank you brave soldiers; hope you like crap!"
I recorded quite a few of the movies, hoping to find some real juicy stinkers to give some scathingly hilarious
reviews. Instead, I was served a plate of boredom with a fifth of crap on the rocks. Here are a handful of
the recent ones that I couldn't finish and don't recommend you try:
- Flying Virus - A movie about a journalist uncovering a government conspiracy to
unleash virus-carrying killer bees. The bees escape from a box on a plane and start attacking the passengers.
It stars Craig "Poor Man's Josh Brolin" Sheffer, Gabrielle Anwar (whose lips look like they were stung by
the killer bees), and Rutger "Can I Cash the Check Yet?" Hauer.
It's one of those bad movies that's trying really hard to be good and as a result ends up being a colossal bore.
Come on, people, CAMP IT UP! The dialogue is so DULL that I kept my thumb on the fast forward button for 90%
of the movie.
I was hoping this would be a nice, cheesy tune-up for Snakes on a Plane, but they couldn't
even inject a little mindless fun when the bees got loose on the plane. Skip it. I was happy to free my DVR of
these two hours.
- Mosquito - After an alien spaceship crashes, mosquitoes feed on the alien corpses,
become huge, and start attacking people. Yeah. This is worth fast forwarding through just to take a look at the
silliness of what 1995 special effects gave us in regard to huge mosquitoes.
I have to give the movie credit for one bit of cleverness - during one scene a guy in a hotel room is watching
the news and the reporter's name is "Alan Smithee." If you don't get the joke then look up "Alan Smithee" on
IMDb.com and you'll understand the reference.
So the movie obviously recognizes that it has no artistic merit, but unfortunately the acting is just bad to
the point of embarrassment rather than amusement. It's kind of like watching a skit at a family reunion or a
Boy Scouts ceremony. You grit your teeth and wait uncomfortably for it to be over.
- Voodoo Moon - Yes, the obvious joke is to say a more apt title would be Doodoo
Moon, but I like to think the Movie Mark's maturity level rides a little higher than that. Wrong thinking,
yes, but I can pretend.
Another snoozer. Something to do with a demonic being destroying an entire town except for a brother and sister
and then 20 years later the bro and sis have to destroy the demon. Dunno. I didn't watch enough of it to fully
grasp what was going on. All I really know is that Charisma Carpenter is in it and she's looking all sorts of
Ali Landry hot, but it isn't enough to warrant two hours of your attention.
I still have Snakehead Terror and Komodo vs. Cobra on the DVR, and I will definitely be watching
these, so stay tuned.
The Truth About David Hasselhoff's Dirk Nowitzki Obsession
Well, I now know the impetus to the relationship between David Hasselhoff and Dirk Nowitzki. Looks like I was
right (what's new?) about Nowitzki's German heritage playing into it. My friend Nikki Bluejeans sent me an article
where Dirk explains that when he's shooting free throws he likes to sing songs to himself to calm down, such
horrendous songs as Hasselhoff's Looking For Freedom.
I'd post a link to the article for you to read, but it contains a picture of a nearly nude Hasselhoff (his only
cover being a couple of dogs ?????) that brought me as close to the brink of vomiting as you can get without
going over.
I promise you that I'm emotionally scarred for life after seeing the picture, and I dare not be responsible for
the same thing happening to you. You can thank me with a Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwich. Or through Paypal.
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June 2, 2006
REVIEW: The Break-Up
"If you're a Vince fan I would also advise you not to expect the Johnny Jump-Up zaniness of The Wedding
Crashers or Dodgeball. The Break-Up is a movie of a
different breed. Abandoning the temptation to deliver a consistently uproarious comedy romp,
The Break-Up deliberately balances itself with dramatic
conflict, and gives us something a little different than what Hollywood has forced us to become accustomed
to."
Johnny Betts reviews The Break-Up, starring Vince Vaughn and
Jennifer Aniston.
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June 1, 2006
Another Movie Confession
Due to a dangerously lethal combination of a busy schedule and extreme apathy, I wasn't able to finish my reviews
of Frankenfish and Snakehead Terror. I haven't even had a chance to watch Snakehead Terror,
and I really want to present those together. But don't worry; I'll have them for you soon.
I'll definitely post my review of The Break-Up tomorrow, but for today please enjoy the latest
user-submitted movie confession (never fear, TaMara, I'll post yours soon). Check out Sarah G's
embarrassing tale of Unwelcome Gasps.
On Monday be on the look-out for contests for The Lake House and Superman Returns.
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