BREAKING NEWS - JUNE 2007
June 27, 2007
Bury my Heart...
...at the trailer park...
Based on the video game by the same name, Hitman tells the story of a gun-for-hire known only as Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant) who
is hired by a group known as "The Agency" to kill targets for cash. Ensnared in a political conspiracy, he treks across Eastern Europe
evading the pursuit of both Interpol and the Russian military.
I've played the game (it's a'ight), and my first choice for Agent 47 would have been Jason Statham. Who else are you gonna call when you
need a bald, smooth-talking hitman who knows how to take care of all sorts of questionable business? Well, Statham's name was never
attached to the project. I have no idea if he was given any consideration.
Originally, it was announced that Vin Diesel got the part. I was cool with that. Was it ideal? Nah, but I made my peace. But somewhere
down the cinematic road it fell apart. I don't know the particulars, and I'm in no mood to research them at the moment. But when it was
confirmed that Timothy Olyphant was the choice to portray Agent 47, I believe my response was, "Say huh?"
Check out the teaser trailer right here.
Granted, we're not shown much, but I'm still not sold. I'm just not getting a menacing vibe from Olyphant. That might have to do with the
fact that he looks like he's 12 years old or it could be because he reminds me of Joey Lawrence's bald-headed appearance on CSI: New
York. The Johnny Jury is still out on this one, folks.
Live Free or Die Hard
Man, I totally forgot this was being released today rather than the customary Friday. I didn't see it until last night, but had I remembered
today's release date then would I have actually finished the review by today? Doubtful. I was up until 3:00 AM helping a friend pack up
stuff for an upcoming move.
I'll prepare the review for tomorrow, but if you're planning on seeing it tonight and just need a little bit of that Johnny Betts
confirmation then here you go - if you're a fan of the Die Hard series or action films in general then I definitely recommend it.
Throw plausibility straight out the window and just kick your feet up and have a good time. Sure, it's completely over-the-top, but it's
a fun time at the movies.
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June 26, 2007
Opening this Week
 
Live Free or Die Hard - John McClane (Bruce Willis, duh) takes on an Internet-based terrorist organization who is systematically
shutting down the United States.
Watch the trailer and I think you know exactly what to expect - outrageously over-the-top action and ridiculous stunt pieces. And you know what? It looks
like a complete blast. Sometimes you just have to boot reality to the curb, kick back, and have a good time. I'm screening it tonight so look for my
review on Friday.
Ratatouille - A young rat living within the walls of a famous Paris bistro wishes to become a chef but is hindered by his
family's skepticism and the rat-despising staff and patrons.
Hmm. I saw this one on Saturday, and I enjoyed it, but it's easily one of Pixar's lesser efforts. I'd say it scores just higher than Monster's Inc.
and pretty much lower than everything else. The animation is incredible, and it's safe for the whole family, but the laughs are few and far between. It
focuses more on its story than entertaining the audience with laughter. I have a feeling a lot of wee ones will get bored quickly if the visual
acrobatics start to lose their shine. Review on Friday.
On DVD this Week
Not much to get excited about this week. The biggest release is probably Black Snake Moan. I
recommend reading my review for a clearer picture on whether this is the kind of movie for you. There's
also Pride (inspired by a true story about a black swimmer) and Dead Silence (a horror movie from the makers of Saw). I haven't seen
either so you're on your own.
Johnny Betts' Politically Incorrect Joke of the Day
I recommend using this joke only on someone you know well and only if you know they have a good sense of humor...
If they inform you that they have a friend or family member whose kidney is failing then respond, "What class is it taking?"
In the right situation, with the right people, this is guaranteed a spit take.
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June 25, 2007
Movie Mark Original #24
Title: MinoPause
Tagline: She's going through a MAZE of emotions.
Cast: Jane Seymour
Plot Summary: One day while searching ruins in ancient Greece, a team of archaeologists come across a lost book of
myths. One of the stories tells of a female version of the Minotaur and points to its location. Realizing the monetary rewards that would
follow the discovery of such a creature, the team sets off on a hunt.
Little do they know that the creature has hit middle age and her hormones are going crazy! What will the team do when it comes face to face
with ... the MINOPAUSE?!?!
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June 22, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: 1408
"The film kept me in its grip and delivered a creepy good time. I was on board from the start and
eagerly anticipated where they were gonna go with the story. There's one point where I thought a
plot twist was revealed, and I'll be honest with you - I was ENRAGED. I believe, 'You have got to
be freaking kidding me, I hate you Stephen King,' were the exact words running through my mind.
It could have been the worst climactic plot twist of all time, but..."
Johnny reviews 1408, starring John Cusack and Samuel L.
Jackson.
MOVIE REVIEW: Evan Almighty
"Look, I could analyze this all day long, but there's a concept that's very important to keep in mind when deciding whether or
not this is worth your time - target audience. It's highly unlikely that the film's chosen demographic will concern
itself with the movie's glaring plot holes. I just don't envision any seven year olds wrestling with why Evan doesn't attempt
to prove to everybody that his beard is indeed growing back immediately after shaving. If that were me then I'd drag people
to the mirror, give them a shaving demonstration, and demand that they explain THAT! I'd also be all, 'Um, HELLO!
Animals are following me around! How can you NOT believe me, heathen?!'"
Johnny reviews Evan Almighty, starring Steve Carell, Morgan Freeman, and
Lauren Graham.
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June 21, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: In the Dead of Space
"I was determined to review In the Dead of Space, a film that very
likely ranks in my Top 5 Worst Movies list, so we're going to proceed. After my third viewing, I was reminded that though
there are some outrageously bad laugh-out-loud moments, the majority of the runtime is fast-forward worthy. So what I'm going
to do for you is give you a rundown on the lowdown regarding the highpoints of the lowpoints. Got that? Good. This will
prove invaluable if you're ever so bold as to give this one an undeserved watch. Let's roll..."
Johnny reviews Michael Paré's stinkbomb In the Dead of Space. Enjoy,
my friends, enjoy.
And you know what we've got coming up on the Sci Fi Channel this Saturday don't you? Set that DVR folks, because we're being
treated to some sweet, sweet Sci Fi Original action in the form of Stephen Baldwin's appearance in Stan Lee's The Harpies.
A security guard who fights wizards and monsters? Bring it.
Coming tomorrow ... reviews of both 1408 and Evan Almighty. A good time will be had by all. Except those of you
who read the reviews, in which case, allow me to offer a preemptive apology.
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June 20, 2007
WWWP: Quit Acting Like the World Owes You
I love watching human nature in action. If you really want to see someone's true nature exposed then offer them
something for free. Either they'll be content with your kind gesture or they'll be burdened that you haven't
given them more.
"Sure, I got into this movie screening for free, but where's my free t-shirt from the radio station? HEY! I
didn't get one of those free hats! WHY ARE YOU GIVING THEM TO PEOPLE IN THE FRONT ROW? THIS ISN'T FAIR!"
Seriously, what are you going to do with a t-shirt boasting the FM 100 logo? Wear it when you cut grass?
For some people, kind gestures simply aren't enough. Give them one thing and they feel you're obligated to
give them everything else they want.
I've seen it in action, and I've experienced it first-hand. At the Fantastic
Four screening the other night, the disenfranchised were out en masse. For those of you who aren't
aware, patrons are encouraged to get to a screening about an hour before the screening starts. More passes
are given out than there are seats in the theater, but that's by design because the studio wants the screening
at full capacity.
The passes clearly state that seats are first come, first serve. Except for press. We have our seats reserved
for us. That's just the way it works. Well, apparently some people didn't take much of a shine to this at the
FF screening. The movie started at 7:30, and I arrived with my guests of honor at 7:15. When the studio rep
came out to admit me to the screening, one woman (who wasn't being allowed in because capacity had already been
met) took exception and started yelling at the rep.
"EXCUSE ME! Ma'am? MA'AM! You just gave them tickets but you won't let me in!"
I wasn't able to hear the rest of the conversation because as the rep tried to explain that we were with press,
the theater manager escorted us to our seats. Before long I'm sure I'll require the accompaniment of armored
guards.
But the fun didn't end there. Apparently, there was a woman who had been complaining the entire time because
she got there late and couldn't find three seats together. She was especially enraged that the press rows were
reserved.
Then she had to go and do it. When we got in and took our seats, she began accusing the theater of racism for
"letting white press members" have the seats. That's right; ma'am. When all else fails, just go ahead and drop
the race card. I'm glad you're setting such a fine example for your 7-year-old who's standing there by your
side as you whine and complain about how poorly you're being treated.
You know what? It's a movie. You're seeing it FOR FREAKIN' FREE! The studio owes you nothing, the radio station
owes you nothing, and the theater owes you nothing. Perhaps if you had taken the time to read the back of your pass,
assuming you possess the literacy to do so, you would have seen that you needed to arrive at the screening early.
I'm sorry you seem to have a problem with seats being reserved for press. You know what? That's just the way
it works. How about you waltz into a fancy restaurant and ask that somebody's reservations be dropped so that you
can have a table? Or maybe you can call a hotel that's completely booked and get them to cancel somebody's reservations
for you. Try that and let me know how it works out for you.
I think you'll find that not everybody's going to bend over backwards and act like you are indeed owed the world.
I wasn't always a member of press, you know. I started off as a simple little moviegoer who'd wait in line just like
everybody else. But then I broke out the ol' elbow grease, invested in a little sweat equity, and slowly built the
wildly popular franchise now known as Movie Mark Entertainment.
I wanted to get on press lists. I wanted to stop waking up early on Saturday to wait in line just hoping I'd get a
screening pass. I wanted to stop arriving to screenings an hour early. I wanted all these things to change.
So you know what I did? I worked to make that change. I didn't yell and complain and run others down, acting like
the world was against me. I built relationships and contacts, I showed that I was trustworthy and dependable, and
I treated people with respect and kindness.
Kindness. What a concept, huh? Do your best to handle a situation with gentleness and chances are you'll get a
much more favorable response. Interesting how that works. Trust me; nobody wants to help you when you act like
a complete jerk.
People have jobs to do, and they can't make everyone happy. There are absolutely rude people out there who abuse
their power or don't handle situations properly, but unless you've been legitimately disrespected then there's
no reason to spew your bile.
I don't know you, I've never met you, and I'm not part of some vast racist conspiracy to keep you and your kid from
sitting together during a free movie. I assure you no one appreciates such accusations being thrown around so
lightly. So either get to the movie early, shut up and accept that you messed up, or do everybody a favor and
stay home. If this is how you handle being given something for free then I'd hate to see you thrown in the
midst of a real crisis.
Ah, the human race. Where would we be without it? WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!?!
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June 19, 2007
Opening this Week
Evan Almighty - God (Morgan Freeman) gives Congressman Evan Baxter (Steve Carell)
the unenviable task of building an ark in anticipation of a great flood.
Well, I'm interested to see how this one turns out. How in the world did it cost nearly $200 million to
make? Can it possibly out gross Bruce Almighty's haul of $242,589,580? Dunno. Steve Carell
doesn't exactly possess Jim Carrey's box office clout, but Evan Almighty has been crafted as more of
a family film than Bruce, and we saw how much the family-friendly Night at the Museum was able
to draw.
I'm screening it tonight. Will it be too childish? Too corny? Or fun for mama AND your Sunday School
class?
1408 - During his latest assignment, Robert Enslin (John Cusack), a best-selling
author who specializes in debunking paranormal events, encounters genuine terror after he checks into the
Dolphin Hotel's legendary room 1408.
I screened this one yesterday, and I'm happy to say that I rather enjoyed it. There was a moment where I
thought we were presented with the explanation and let me tell you, I was STEAMED! Man, I was ready to hunt
down Stephen King and punch him straight in the brain. It would have been possibly the worst twist in all
of cinematic history. But the twist was that wasn't the twist at all! It's hard to explain without giving
away spoilers.
Just check out my review on Friday and I'll do my best to expound. Genuine chills abound. You like my
little rhyme there? I know you don't, so quit lying.
A Mighty Heart - Mariane Pearl (Angelina Jolie) leads the frantic effort to locate
her journalist husband, Daniel (Futterman), after he's abducted while on assignment in Karachi, Pakistan.
I didn't really have any interest in watching Angelina Jolie portray a black woman, so I skipped the
screening. I'm sure y'all will forgive me.
On DVD this Week
You have two main choices this week - jack and squat. Seriously, Miss Potter and Bridge to
Terabithia is the best they can do? I've seen neither one. I suppose Terabithia might be
a decent rental for the family, but I'm so underwhelmed by this week's releases that I refuse to say
anything else on the matter.
Oh wait, this just in - Reno 911: Miami is also being released. Well good for it. My sister
liked it, but I'd take that with a spoonful of salt grains.
Images - The Dark Knight
If you can't get excited over the above pictures then I truly feel sorry for you and those callouses on
your soul.
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June 18, 2007
Bury my Heart...
...at the trailer park...
In 3:10 to Yuma a small-time rancher (Christian Bale) agrees to hold a captured outlaw (Russell Crowe) who's awaiting a
train to go to court in Yuma. A battle of wills ensues as the outlaw tries to psych out the rancher.
Hmm, a Western (my favorite genre) with two of my current favorite actors? This opens on October 5th, and combining this with
the November releases of No Country for Old Men and American Gangster, and 2007 is going out with an absolute bang!
Dear Lord, please allow me to live through the end of this year!
Check out the trailer RIGHT
HERE!
Coming Tomorrow...
A preview of this week's releases, and a little hate mail action from a Corey Feldman fan who doesn't have much of a sense of humor.
Should be fun.
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June 15, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
"The best thing I can say about Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is that I was slightly entertained
in an I'm-not-expecting-much kind of way. Sure, it's cute, it's fun for the family, and it's fairly harmless, but is that what you want in comic book
movie? Not me. I want dark! I want edge! Neither quality is to be found here. Well, except for the dark I saw when my eyelids started getting heavy
and I was literally struggling to stay awake."
Johnny unenthusiastically reviews Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, starring
the same people in the first one.
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June 14, 2007
Official No Country for Old Men Trailer
Watch the trailer RIGHT HERE and prepare
to be amazed. It looks like it's gonna flat out kick rump cheeks. We already knew that Josh Brolin who, as the article states, "breaks out
into serious leading man hunkdom here," was going to own the screen, but props also go out to Javier Bardem for sportin' a Little Lord Fauntleroy
'do yet still giving me the freakin' chills. With this AND American Gangster both set for November releases, could November '07 be the
coolest month in the history of mankind? I think the case can definitely be made.
Primeval Winners
The studio gave me 10 DVDs of the future classic Primeval to give away, and I thought this would be quite the task considering my frequent
claim of only having seven readers. Welp, either it's time I update my numbers or some new readers stumbled across the site by accident and
decided to sign up while they were here. Truth be told, I'll probably just continue to claim to have seven readers, playing to your sympathy.
Which you won't give me. Ingrates.
Anyway, I wish I could give everybody a Primeval DVD. Who'd have thought there'd be so much interest in another movie
about a giant crocodile? Unfortunately, so many of you signed up that you couldn't all be winners. Except in my heart. And that's what's
most important, right? You may not have won a Primeval DVD, and some of you might not yet be winners in the game of life, but because
of the fact that you read TMM for no other reason than to get free DVDs and movie passes, well, that makes you winners to me.
Oh, you want to know who the real winners are? You can't allow the losers a few words of consolation???? Goodness. OK, my random generator has
spit out the following names:
Cheryl Mays
Shannon Callonas
Marinda Owens
Eric Clark
Chris Salopek
Michalene Zulewski
Danielle Goff
Angela Lamb
PHOEBE NEAL
Eric George
Congratulations. For those of you who didn't win, keep the ol' chin up. I'll have more contests in the future. Don't take your anger out on me
at a future movie screening. I'll likely be wearing the size 11s, and the end result won't be a favorable one for you. If you think I wouldn't
love to run with a "Johnny Betts Delivers Massive Movie Screening Beatdown" headline then you haven't been reading this site long enough.
If you'll recall, one of my questions on the Primeval contest sign-up was, "What do you think would be the result of a fight between Johnny
Betts and a 25-foot crocodile?" I was shocked that some of you have the frijoles to suggest the crocodile would win, but I admire your gumption.
Here are a few of the responses and my responses to those responses. I haven't changed the grammar for some of these. That ain't MY responsibility,
chico. Or chica.
"Johnny is a hard hitter. So that answers your question."
JB: Corey B. Trotz has got nothin' on me!
"well...foremost i donno whether a 25 foot crocodile exists....if it exists...then...in WATER....crocodile wins outright....on
LAND....donno....Well Johnny...are you up to the challenge???
JB: I'm up to any challenge. And I love that this guy considered my chances depending on the environment.
"Johnny has no chance on living with mr CROC..."
JB: Congratulations, your lack of faith has convinced me to find a 25-foot crocodile and fight it just to prove you
wrong. If I die it's all on you. Thanks, mom.
"Crocodile Hands Down. Those guns won't help you there Johnny."
JB: To the person who left this comment - I know who you are, and you might want to bring a bulletproof vest to the
next screening because these guns are gonna be fully loaded and we're gonna play "Johnny vs. the 25-foot Crocodile." You've been cast as the
25-foot crocodile. Game on, muchacho.
"OF COURSE JOHNNY BETTS WOULD WIN!!!"
JB: Very well-spoken. The kind of words a random generator likes *ahem*
"Johnny would kick the croc's [rump] with both hands tied behind his back!!!"
JB: Just to show off I might even kick it with both FEET tied behind my back. Oh yeah.
"Johnny Betts would show that croc who's boss! That's what!"
JB: Hollywood would rush out an ill-advised combination of a Primeval sequel and a movie version of
Who's the Boss. Tony Danza would star as somebody named "Tony," and only about twelve people would see it, but it'd be a moment of
pride for yours truly.
"Size 11 bootprints all upside croc's head..."
JB: A little thing I like to call "Stomp in the Swamp."
"Johnny have no chance in the world with his head ate off...."
JB: Crocodile have no chance in the world with my biker boot shoved up his [you know] (if you've ever seen
the edited-for-Network-TV version of Blazing Saddles then you'll get the [you know] inside joke).
"Duuude, my money's on Johnny all the way. He'd do a play by play of all the croc's stupid moves and the croc would crawl
away in shame. Bwahaha! BOOyah!"
JB: Thanks, Beth. I see my check arrived on time.
"Obviously, there would be no fight. Johnny's reputation would precede him, & the croc would slink away with his tail
between ... "
JB: Excellent point. I hadn't even considered the croc forfeiting, but that's the most likely scenario.
"With those huge biker boots, how could Johnny not win? The croc would probably choke on them or something."
JB: He'd probably cry also. And they wouldn't be crocodile tears either! Well, actually, they'd literally be
crocodile tears, but ... um, never mind.
"NO CONTEST BECAUSE....JOHNNY WINS.. HAVE NO FEAR...UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WORLD...BECAUSE THERE IS NOT A 25-FOOT
CROCODILE!"
JB: Weeeeeeeell, it's obvious you haven't seen Primeval! Hollywood wouldn't lie, would they?!?!?!?!
"Johnny don't stand a chance."
JB: Oh yeah? Well your mama don't stand a chance! You need some ointment for that BURN? *undeservedly pats self on
back*
"Johnny would have a brand new crocodile skin hat, belt, and boots!"
JB: Crocodile skin biker boots? Sweet!
Coming Tomorrow...
Are you ready for my Fantastic Four 2 review? You better be. I have a gut feeling that it won't be "Kate Beckinsale pretty," but I'm
keeping an open mind.
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June 13, 2007
On DVD this Week
There are two DVD releases that I have seen, and a handful that I haven't. What do I recommend as a rental? Check out my
DVD Preview for more info.
Calling All Treasure Hunters
I sent out an email last week to some of you Memphis-area Movie Marks who are special enough to be on the official TMM mailing list
regarding this. What's going on is a company called Ravenchase Adventures is putting on a treasure hunt in Memphis on Saturday, June
16th. For those of you keeping up with your calendar - that's this Saturday.
Mr. Shade, myself, and the rest of the official TMM crew participated in one of these a few months ago in Franklin, TN, and it was a lot
of fun. Our group finished 5th, but we were mere seconds from being in the top 2. The price is $20 per person, and you can plan on it
taking between 2 and 3 hours. Maybe a little longer. However, I have been in contact with the coordinators, and they told me that if
I could get a decent amount of people to sign up then they could work out a discount.
You can get more info here.
The response I've received so far has been, well, lackluster. But if there are any of you who might be interested then let me
know by early tomorrow. Just send me an email at johnny_betts@hotmail.com.
If you like the idea of using riddles, anagrams, and puzzles to traipse through Memphis-area landmarks and institutions all in an attempt
to be the first to piece together the clues and solve a mystery and get a cheesy prize then you'll have plenty of fun.
Primeval Winners...
...will be announced tomorrow, along with some of your comments on what you think would happen if I were to square off with a
25-foot crocodile.
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June 12, 2007
Opening this Week
 
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - The Fantastic Four face two severe threats: the arrival of the enigmatic Silver
Surfer, who has come to Earth with a planetary destruction in mind, and the shocking return of their main nemesis.
Actually, the plot synopsis neglects to mention their third threat: the scorn of critics and fanboys alike. I'm screening this on Thursday, and my
hopes aren't exactly stratospheric. The first one was OK at best (read my review), and it doesn't look like
they've made any drastic changes to improve this one. They had two years to do something about The Thing's stupid foam rubber Halloween costume and
they refused. So something tells me greatness wasn't exactly a priority during the filmmaking process. I'll let you know on Friday via a hilariously
insightful review.
Nancy Drew - While accompanying her father on a trip to Los Angeles, teen detective Nancy Drew (Emma Roberts) begins to put
clues together that could unravel the mystery behind a movie star's death.
Nobody would go to the screening with me, and I wasn't keen on attending alone. When I called my sister and extended a hand of brotherly love, asking
if she wanted to go, the icy cold response I received was, "No. I'm afraid it'll ruin my memory of the books."
Granted, the trailer is pretty horrific, but I held out hope for a pleasant surprise. I straddled the fence, trying to decide whether or not to
attend the screening. I was going to make my decision by 7:00 PM. That's when it happened. A commercial for the movie came on TV, and I decided
then and there to let that be my final guide. At the conclusion of the commercial, I audibly responded, "Screw that noise," and started looking for
something on TV to watch. It just looks way too targeted to pre-teen girls.
In my opinion, Hollywood dropped the ball big time on this franchise. What they should have done is cast Kristen "Veronica Mars" Bell as Nancy, made
it PG-13, and gone a little dark. Let's hope the original source material of the upcoming Three Investigators movie is treated with a little
more respect.
DOA: Dead or Alive - Man, I so wanted there to be a free screening for this one. Oh well. A group of uniquely trained
women are summoned to an island for a fighting tournament? Heck yeah this is going to be cheesy and ridiculous beyond belief, but you better believe
I would have seen it for free! Hot babes kickin' booty and droppin' bad one-liners? Sign me up! But I ain't paying theater prices.
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Presumed Dead
Folks, it is with great sadness that I report at the end of last night's broadcast of WWE Raw, Chairman Vince McMahon was seen getting into a limousine
that, just seconds later, burst into a fiery explosion. WWE.com is reporting that no body has been found, and Mr. McMahon is presumed dead. I know
most people think wrestling is fake and that this is all part of a storyline, but CSI: Miami's Horatio Caine is not convinced.
Arriving on scene, Caine was informed by local authorities that the blast appeared to be a car bomb, but at the moment they had no suspects. Caine
inquired as to the whereabouts of the body, and the following conversation took place:
Captain: We don't have a body.
Caine: Or *puts on his sunglasses, tilts his head to the side, and pauses two seconds* a body slam.
The authorities were going to immediately ask Caine to leave the scene, but he had already magically disappeared.
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June 11, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness
Chances are you'd never consider sitting through Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness. I'm sure the
majority of you are able to make such a wise decision without my review. However, I dare say you'll never find another review of the
movie that links it to Thomas Kinkade. That's right; I'm living on the edge, thinking outside of the box, and obliterating parameters.
How in the world can I draw a relationship between the famous painter and a stupid Sci Fi Original? You'll have to read my review of
Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness to find out.
It wasn't a fun movie to review, but don't worry, I've still got Into the Dead of Space sitting on the ol' DVR, and there are precious
few films that are more mockable than that turdburger.
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June 8, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Dark Storm
"In this latest Sci-Fi turdburger, Stephen's a scientist with cool, orange-tinted sunglasses who, through the malfunction of a molecular-altering
machine, gains the ability to control the weather. Too bad he wasn't able to control the quality of this movie. Because it be stank. Yet another
painfully generic movie that suffers from not being anywhere close to good, but taking itself way too seriously to achieve so-bad-it's-entertaining
status."
Johnny reviews Dark Storm, starring Stephen Baldwin.
Primeval DVD Giveaway
Who wants a chance to win a Primeval DVD? Take a look at the the sign up page for more details and, as the
aptly titled page name indicates, to sign up. 10 winners will be chosen and said winners will be announced on Wednesday.
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June 7, 2007
Thank You, Ben Affleck, Thank You
Failed actor and Box Office Poison, Ben Affleck, returned to his hometown of Massachusetts last weekend to garner a little positive publicity by
volunteering at the Greater Boston Food Bank. The Gigli star apparently had no prior knowledge of homeless people, claiming he
became aware of the less fortunate residents of Boston while filming his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. "We did a lot of location
scouting," the douche bag actor says, "and you knock on a lot of doors and you go into a lot of homes, and I saw the need. What I saw sort of
surprised me. I saw a lot of working poor."
After recovering from the shock of seeing the working poor in person, Affleck washed his hands, boarded his private jet, and headed back to his
California mansion.
Dark Storm
In what can only be described as an effort to set a record for "Most Sci-Fi Originals Starred in Within a Three Month Period," Stephen Baldwin...
*Johnny is handed a piece of paper*
BREAKING NEWS! Folks, I am happy to report that all of our hard work and petitioning has paid off! The day we've been waiting for is finally here -
PARIS HILTON IS A FREE WOMAN! After only three days in jail, Ms. Hilton has been released due to "medical conditions." Apparently, they don't cotton
to well to herpes in the prison population - gen pop, as I like to call it.
Now, keep in mind that our victory is not quite complete. Our hero, and the provider of joy to our otherwise mundane lives, has been fitted with an
ankle bracelet and will be confined to her West Hollywood mansion for 40 days. That's rough, folks. Have you ever tried to limit yourself to the
comforts of a multi-million dollar house for over a month? Yeah, I didn't think so. Sometimes you want to get in your car and go get your own Starbucks
rather than having a servant bring it to you. All we can continue to do is send her our thanks and best wishes and hope that she can come out of this
without too much emotional scarring.
Sorry about the lack of a Dark Storm review, but this is cause for celebration! I assure you that I'll deliver the review tomorrow.
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June 6, 2007
The Star Wars Holiday Special
I was all ready to begin my review of Stephen Baldwin's future classic Dark Storm and then it happened. Having never seen The Star Wars Holiday
Special, not even as a kid, I decided the time was right. I knew it would be painful. I knew it would be ugly. But as a Star Wars fan, it was simply
something that I had to do.
Since it's not available through any retail chains (Lucas will never allow it to see DVD, in fact, he tries to deny its existence), I looked it up on the
glorious Youtube. Somebody has indeed uploaded it in 10 different parts. This is good because there's no way I could watch it all in one sitting. Anyway,
after shaking my head through an opening bit that included Han Solo and Chewbacca on the Millennium Falcon, with Han promising Chewy he'd get him home in time
for Christmas, it all started to go downhill fast.
I knew things would be bad when I heard the cheesiness of the voiceover, but I never thought they'd be so bad as to hear, "With special guest stars ... Beatrice
Arthur." After picking my jaw up off the floor long enough to make it through the intro of Art Carney, I nearly broke down in tears hearing the words,
"The Jefferson Starship." As if that wasn't horrific enough, the pain was compounded by the fact that we see a brief glimpse of the lead guitarist wearing
some tight, shiny silver space suit.
I can now say that anybody who thinks Jar Jar Binks is the absolute worst addition to the Star Wars universe simply has not seen the Star Wars Holiday
Special. I stopped after the opening credits. That's all I could take. But rest assured, I will watch all of it and then I will give it a full review -
Johnny Betts style. You didn't think you'd sweep this under the rug for all eternity, did you Lucas? Unh-unh. I'm holding you accountable.
There was simply no way I was going to force myself to write a review of Dark Storm after sitting through those three painful minutes. I closed my
laptop, crawled up on the couch, and went to sleep. I shall try again tonight.
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June 5, 2007
On DVD This Week
"Despite a little too much talking and a few too many instances of character stupidity, Blood Diamond provides enough explosions and tension
to keep your interest. However, you might want to keep in mind that the action isn't always of the mindless, Vin Diesel variety. There's a lot
of blood and quite a few disturbing images. But what else can you expect when, in a display of brainwashing of the most twisted sort, children
are blindfolded and forced to gun down innocent civilians? The film will leave you with a sick feeling, and you'll likely ask a question or two
before purchasing another diamond."
SPECIAL FEATURES:
- Commentary by Director Edward Zwick
- Blood on the Stone: Follow a diamond's path from the ground to the store
- Becoming Archer: Profiling Leonardo DiCaprio
- Journalism on the Front Line: Jennifer Connelly on women journalists at war
- Inside the Siege of Freetown: Edward Zwick on one of the movie's pivotal sequences
The verdict is in my friends, and Blood Diamond is indeed worth a rental.
"The Messengers ain't steak, folks. It's something you get from the value menu, at best. It's a
'haunted house' movie that offers an unoriginal and punchless story, designed specifically to make us jump, the only thing it really does effectively.
If you've seen Boogeyman or Darkness Falls then you've basically already seen this."
SPECIAL FEATURES:
*shrugs shoulders* I couldn't find any details, and I have no interest in looking.
To be honest, and I'm always brutally so, I wouldn't even waste rental money on The Messengers.
I'm sure it'll be on TBS or TNT soon. Just catch it then when you're desperate for a few cheap scares.
Dark Storm
Well, I FINALLY finished up Stevie B's Dark Storm last night, and let me tell ya - twasn't easy. Now I've gotta figure out a way to force
myself to review it. That won't be easy either. I think the only thing that happened in the entire movie is Stephen Baldwin had his hair blown
back by a fan and was surrounded by badly-rendered CGI lightning. This is gonna be rough, but I do it for y'all, the unappreciative readers. Why?
I'll probably never know.
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June 4, 2007
Opening this Week
  
Ocean's Thirteen - George Clooney apparently has a pretty expensive
houseboat to pay off, so he rounds up his all-star castmates for a third heist. The new famous
person to join the cast this time around is Al Pacino.
For some reason, Warner Bros. has decided not to screen this in Memphis. I'd think after the
so-so reviews for the second one they'd want to generate some positive buzz. The best way to
do that? Screen it for Johnny Betts, impress me, and pay me some sweet cashola to spread the
word.
I wanna see this one, but I'm not paying to see it on the big screen. You, however, are more
than welcome to buy my ticket. I'll even pitch in half, scratch that - make it 1/4th, for
popcorn. If you're a hot babe.
Surf's Up - Oh brother. Another stinkin' animated movie about stupid
penguins. This time we're given a "behind-the-scenes look" at the Penguin World Surfing
Championship. Hooray. I'm so sick of these creatures. Sorry, I know everybody loves penguins
now, but there's a little thing called overkill that I would like to refer you to.
There's a screening on Wednesday at Cordova, but I think I'm gonna pass.
Thank goodness the Star Wars movies are complete; otherwise, Lucas would have a race of fuzzy,
lovable penguins defeat the Empire.
Wait a minute. He's working on the upcoming animated series and a live-action series.
Oh no. Time to go to my prayer closet...
Hostel 2 - While studying art in Rome for the summer, three young
American women are lured away to a Slovakian hostel by a model from their class. Soon they will
experience the grim reality their weekend getaway has in store.
I never saw the first one, and I have neither a need nor a desire to see this one. From what I've
read, the first one merely exists to show gratuitous amounts of gore and nudity.
Coming this Week
We're gonna be busy folks. I've got some BAD MOVIE REVIEWS for ya, including Michael Pare's
Gargoyles: Wings of Darkness and the Stephen Baldwin classic Dark Storm. I'll
also give you a DVD review of Unknown and all sorts of other hilarious stuff.
Johnny Betts: The Blues Musician
One or two of you may recall that at one time I had an imaginary band called the Mad Libs. We
purportedly played at imaginary locales such as Bausch and Lomb's Bar & Grill in such imaginary
cities as Keskwa, Oregon.
Well, I have now embarked on an imaginary solo career. That's right; I decided to dust off the
ol' $70 guitar that I got 20 years ago and never learned to play, and I thought I'd write me a
little blues number.
Since the only chords I can play proficiently (i.e. barely) are C and G, well, those are the
chords this was written in. It's still a work in progress, but I thought I'd treat y'all to a
taste - just a taste - of what I've got going on.
When it's finished, it'll obviously be a huge hit, so you'll be able to tell your grandkids that
you witnessed its life cycle.
Keep in mind; these lyrics are to be spoken-sung in the blues tradition. You may not see a lot of
rhythm in the lyrics, but you will see the passion.
*ahem*
One plus one equals two
And one plus two equals three
But nowhere in my math books, baby
Does one plus you equal me
Ohhhhh, cause I'm the Doctor of Love
And I've got a prescription you can't fill
*blues riff*
Yeah, I'm the Doctor of Love, baby
And you can't afford my bill
Thank you, thank you. I'll flesh this out a bit and report back later. Contain your excitement
if you can.
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June 1, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Knocked Up
"So let's see, how exactly can I discuss this movie and keep my moral foundations strongly intact? I laughed.
I blushed. I turned away in disgust. And I frequently offered up little prayers, asking that my mom never
find out what I was watching."
Johnny reviews Knocked Up, starring
Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl.
MOVIE REVIEW: Waitress
"All right, guys, I know what you're thinking - "A movie about an unhappy Southern waitress who names pies
after certain events in her life? Can you just shoot me in the head instead?" I thought the same thing
walking into the screening. But you know what? It ain't half bad ... It's not exactly a must-see on the
big screen, but there's a good chance you'll walk away with a few more laughs than expected."
Johnny reviews Waitress, starring
Keri Russell, Nathan Fillion, Cheryl Hines, Jeremy Sisto, Andy Griffith, and Adrienne Shelly.
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