BREAKING NEWS - MARCH 2007
March 30, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Blades of Glory
"The film's main problem is that it stretches about 50 - 60 minutes of solid, funny material into 90 minutes of
film.
As a result, I laughed fairly consistently for the first half of the film (the old video footage of the Iron
Lotus being the main highlight), but as the midpoint arrived, so did the thinning of the humor and the reliance
on slapstick and vulgarity. Once Ferrell is called on to fake cry you know it's time to pack it in and call it
a night."
Johnny reviews Blades of Glory, starring Will Ferrell, Jon
Heder, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Jenna Fischer, and Craig T. Nelson.
Oh, and I'm saving my tale regarding embarrassing moments in movie-going history for Monday. Gotta give you
something to look forward to over the weekend!
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March 29, 2007
The Birth of Johnny Betts
We all know that Hollywood likes a happy ending. In most cases. The Wonder Years (one of the staples of my
childhood) was often an exception. How many people are still bitter that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end
up together? Don't ask my sister that question because you'll never hear the end of her answer.
Many 'a time there'd be moments where little Kevin and his white boy 'fro would be on the verge of accomplishment, only to
have that rug metaphorically ripped from beneath him. Remember the episode where Kevin stood up to the bully, Eddie Pinetti,
in an effort to defend Winnie's honor? Kevin refuses to back down and mans up and takes a swing at Eddie. Slow motion kicks
in as we see the shock on Eddie's face combined with Kevin's fist heading towards it. Victory shall go to the underdog!
But then Kevin's punch lands harmlessly on Eddie's shoulder. Eddie smirks and proceeds to beat the crap out of Kevin. But never
fear, my loyal readers, for good ol' Johnny is here with a story from his own childhood where the underdog trumped the bully!
Let me take you all the way back to the 1st grade. There was a kid in my class named Wendell who was approximately seven feet
tall. Perhaps he was actually only about 6 inches taller than everybody else, but from a first grader's perspective he seemed
huge. I don't know if he had previously failed 1st grade and was thus older than everybody else or if he was just a freak of
nature. Whatever the case, his height advantage gave him confidence, and he seemed to enjoy picking on everybody.
His tactic worked. Everybody was scared of him, and that included me. Every time he walked past me he'd punch me in the stomach.
It didn't matter if I passed him in the hall or coming out of the bathroom, I always received a punch to my ripped midsection (I
started doing crunches at a young age). I'm sure it hurt his hand more than it did my stomach, but he continued to do it
nonetheless.
I tried telling my teacher, Ms. McDonald, about it, but she was a witch and didn't care. She said she didn't see him do it, so
there was nothing she could do. How nice. A scared little 1st grader approaches her with his concerns and she practically
flips him the bird.
In retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised. Ms. McDonald was MEAN. Nobody liked her. There was even a rumor floating around
that the year before she had slammed some kid's head into his desk and busted his nose wide open. I believed it at the time. But
now that I've had 20+ years to reflect on that, I'm thinking that rumor probably didn't hold much truth. I also understand why my
parents didn't believe the story either. I remember telling them, "It's true! Some kid who was in her class said he saw it!" I
couldn't believe THAT didn't convince my parents. I distinctly remember them looking at each other with "Surely he's not this
naive" looks on their faces. Ah, the innocence of youth.
I did, however, experience first-hand just a taste of her cruelty, and oh how bitter the flavor. I once got sick during lunch and
threw up. When I went and told Ms. McDonald, her callous reply was, "Well I guess you better clean it up then." I'm not making this
up, folks. This ABSOLUTE WAINCH made little 6-year-old Johnny Betts clean up his own vomit. How cruel is that? This was public
school, so what can you expect?
Anyway, since Ms. McWainchold wasn't going to do anything about Wendell, I finally went to my parents and told them what was going
on. My dad laid it all on the line and said, "I don't advocate you starting fights, but if you've told your teacher and she won't
do anything about it, then the only thing you can do is hit him back. Next time he punches you, you punch him HARDER."
I didn't have to wait long to put my dad's advice into action. The moment of truth arrived the very next day. I was heading into
the bathroom just as Wendell was leaving. As soon as I saw him I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. This was it. If he
punched me then I had to stand up and be a man or forever cower in fear. I decided right then and there that I didn't want to be a
coward. I wanted to be the kid who stood up to Wendell and put an end to his bullying ways.
Then it happened. Wendell punched me right in the stomach, just like he always did. But this time the response he got was MUCH
different than usual. I cocked my fist back and threw it right at Wendell's face with all the strength I could muster. Feel free
to picture my adorable little 1st grade fist heading straight towards his over-sized head. BAM! My fist connected solidly with
Wendell's jaw, throwing him back a little.
Seeing that he was rocked, I moved in and rared back. That's when Wendell reacted like most bullies do when they're given a taste
of their own medicine. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's be friends! Let's be friends!" was his high-pitched reply. I couldn't believe it.
WENDELL WAS A TOTAL WIMP! Either that or I was just A TOTAL STUD. Probably a little bit of both.
Instilled with a new sense of fear, Wendell pretty much followed me around like a puppy the rest of the year. Having his
self-confidence knocked down a notch or two convinced him that it was wise to stay on my good side.
I have no idea what happened to Wendell. The following year I went to private school where I stayed through the 6th grade. I
never saw or heard from him again. I like to think that he's out there living a productive life, one much better than if he had
never been confronted and changed of his bullying ways.
Many people like to refer to this incident as "The Birth of Johnny Betts," and it's hard to disagree with that assessment. When
people approach me in public and ask, "Hey Johnny, how old were you when you realized how big of a stud you truly are? Was there
a defining moment when you came face-to-face with your supreme coolness, a point where there was no turning back?" this is the
first thing to come to mind.
The "Wendell episode" represented more than just a moment in time; it has become symbolic of a lifelong philosophy - when life
punches you, you punch it HARDER. Maybe, like Kevin Arnold, you miss your target and receive a royal beatdown. Or perhaps you pull
a Johnny Betts and cause your bully to retreat.
It's your choice. Cower in the corner and allow your circumstances to control you, or come out swinging and put everybody on
alert that you're not one to be messed with.
I made my choice, and I'm now America's favorite movie reviewer and movie editorialist. Consider my example a lesson in
what rarin' back and movin' forward will get you.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Blades of Glory and a tale regarding embarrassing moments in movie-going history.
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March 28, 2007
Bury my Heart...
...at the trailer park...
All right, I've seen the trailer for Disturbia a couple of times, and for some reason I feel compelled to comment.
Can you say "Rear Window for Teenagers"?
It stars Shia LaBeouf (whose appeal I still have yet to grasp) as a kid who, rather than be restrained by a wheelchair,
is confined by house arrest. He watches his neighbor out of his window (most likely a rear one) and becomes convinced
that the guy's a killer. The suspected killer is portrayed by David Morse. Has he ever played a non-bad guy? His
bordering-on-mullet bad hairdo convinces us that he's gotta be up to something shady!
Anyway, this looks like it could be halfway decent, but it appears to be as close to a remake (or a re-imagining) as you
can get without officially declaring it.
We'll see soon - it opens on April 13th.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
If you haven't seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon then that's an hour and a half of your life you have wisely invested
in a more worthwhile activity. However, despite its absolute atrociousness, there are 50 seconds of the film that all lovers
of bad cinema must watch. It takes a talented amount of non-talent to squeeze three of the most laughable shark attacks in movie
history into less than a minute of screentime!
I think my favorite is the very first one where the dude jumps off the ship and right into the shark's mouth. Though the jet ski
incident is hilarious as well.
Click here to watch the clip and feel
better about your position in life.
Thoughts to Ponder
Why is "nudity" the most recognized term regarding the state of being nude? Why not "nudeness" (which I just found out is indeed
a word)? Why are "crudity" and "rudity" not words but "nudity" is? I want answers!
Holy cow, I just looked it up and "crudity" is actually a word! You never hear anybody use it. Welp, I shall use it ALL THE TIME
now! "Rudity" is NOT a word though, so I still want an answer regarding that.
This is the kind of stuff I sit around and think about.
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March 27, 2007
American Gangster - Josh Already Getting Rave Reviews
Welp, it appears that the very first screening of the Josh Brolin, Russell Crowe, Denzel
Washington, Ridley Scott collaboration known as American Gangster took place last week in
Pasadena, CA. For some reason I was not sent a personal invitation. I can only assume it was lost
in the mail.
Sour grapes aside, the movie is getting rave reviews from fans who attended the screening, and do you
know who most people are pointing out as a supporting cast member who really makes an
impression?
*ahem* I'll let some quotes do the talking...
"Josh Brolin and Ruby Dee really stood out for me in the supporting cast too."
"The supporting acting was quite good, in particular Josh Brolin channeling Nick Nolte in Q&A."
One guy who saw the movie was asked if there were any supporting actors who stole some scenes. His
response was clear and expected...
"Easy, Josh Brolin. He played one bad-a** crooked cop."
I made an inquiry regarding Josh's amount of screentime and the same guy responded thusly...
"Josh Brolin does not have a tremendous amount of screentime but when he does he owns the screen ...
he sure is good."
There you have it. Sounds like he's sportin' some sweet 'stache action as well. Combine this with
some early praise that Josh is garnering for his psychotic performance in Grindhouse and the
premature No Country for Old Men Oscar talk, and it's safe to say that "The Year of the Josh"
is officially in full swing.
Blockbuster Sale
For all of you money-conscious movie fans out there, you might be interested to know that Blockbuster
is running one of their "50% off all used DVDs" sales through April 8th. Well, they are in Memphis,
at least. Not sure about other parts of the country. Look into it.
Could somebody please see if they can find a widescreen copy of Serenity? I've been looking
for months now with no luck. Thanks.
Mini-Review: Pulse
I took advantage of Blockbuster's sale this weekend, and one of the DVDs I picked up was Pulse,
starring Veronica Mars and Boone from Lost. Great visuals, and Kristen Bell is delectable,
but much like Tara Reid's brain cells, the story was severely lacking.
The premise is about as ridiculous as a horror premise can get - some computer nerd is working on a
telecom project, taps into frequencies that we didn't know existed, and somehow opens a portal that
allows some sort of weird ghosts (or something) to enter our world. Try not to laugh at the thought
of supernatural beings escaping through cell phones and wi-fi connections, I dare you.
The most hilarious thing about the DVD is actually in the special features. There's one featurette
that acts like we're all idiots and claims this movie could be closer to the truth than any of us
know. Uh-huh. Those douche bags from Ghost Hunters show up and talk about EVPs and spirit
voices on cell phones and stuff. It's good for a laugh.
Grindhouse Screening
Next Tuesday. Feel free to be jealous, my fellow Josh Brolin fans.
On DVD this Week
A few movies are released this week. I preview them. Get more info on my
DVD Preview page.
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March 26, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Shooter - Marky Marksman
"I like a good action flick, particularly ones where cool snipin' action is involved, and although
Shooter does rely on some tried and true clichés, it
makes its mark *snicker* as a solid entry in the genre by complimenting its well-made action
sequences with an above-average story and by avoiding cheesy one-liners that only Stallone's and
Schwarzeneggers' mothers could love."
Johnny reviews Shooter, starring Mark Wahlberg,
Michael Peña, Danny Glover, Kate Mara, Rhona Mitra, and Ned Beatty.
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March 23, 2007
Shooter Review Delayed
Due to a little thing I like to refer to as life, I have to postpone my Shooter review until
Monday. For those college basketball fans out there who saw the mighty Memphis Tigers take down Texas
A&M (in what was essentially an unfair home game for the Aggies), you'll understand why I was unable
to finish my review by today.
Sorry, but I was just too wound up to sit down and properly craft yet another example of masterpiece
reviewing. I'm sure you understand, but if you're intent on seeing Shooter this weekend and
simply cannot wait for my review on Monday then I'll go ahead and tell you that I give it a solid
3.5 marks.
Hoist your disbelief high, accept that this is Mark Wahlberg's attempt at a one-man army action flick,
and enjoy. Oh, and do your best to ignore Danny Glover's delivery of the absolute most annoying lisp
in recent movie memory.
Seriously, that's all you need for today. Everything else that'll appear in Monday's review will just
be highly entertaining window dressing. Or salad dressing. Whichever you prefer.
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March 22, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: TMNT
"I haven't started any preliminary space cleaning on my shelves for the DVD, but
TMNT is a fine re-start on the series. Rather than remake
any of the originals, the filmmakers decided to go with a fresh storyline in a completely CGI world,
and have thus laid good groundwork in moving forward."
Johnny reviews TMNT, starring the voices of a bunch of
actors.
Coming Tomorrow...
My review of Mark Walhberg's Shooter.
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March 21, 2007
My Intro to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
As you may know, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (newly dubbed the more hip TMNT) movie
opens on Friday. I have seen it, and I'll post my review tomorrow. However, I wanted to go ahead
and share this little story with you. Keep in mind that I'll probably stick a small portion of this
in the Odds & Ends section of the review for posterity. But I assure you this is the longer,
meatier version. Read on...
The first time I ever heard about the turtles was in 1988 when I was spending the night at my friend
Brian's house. He didn't live too far from me, so this soon became a weekend ritual. I'd spend the
night, we'd make prank calls (if you're reading this then I apologize, Ms. Swanson, for that call in
6th grade when I said Kristi snuck out of the house to be with a 40-year-old man, that was probably
inappropriate), and we'd get sick from eating massive amounts of junk food that I didn't have
access to at my house.
Brian would sleep on his nice comfortable bed, and I'd be left huddled and shivering under his desk
with a bean bag pulled on top of me in an effort to find warmth. I always resented Brian's lack of
desire to ask his mom if I could have a blanket and pillow, but there's no sense in remaining
bitter.
Anyway, one night we received a call from Ben Tuller. Ben was a nice guy, although not exactly riding
life's fast track. He was the kind of friend who was fun to pick on because of how easily he
rattled. I'll never forget the time I accused him of wearing Sears Roebuck jeans and he got so
mad that he threw his miniature Gideon's Bible (we were headed to Chapel, you see) clear across the
room and stormed into the bathroom crying. A volatile one, that Ben was. I felt a little bad, but
I couldn't help but rest easy in the fact that I wasn't the one hurling the Good Book all over
the place.
"I've got the new issue of Nintendo Power," Ben boasted, "and one of the upcoming Nintendo games is
called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!"
For those of you not old enough to remember or who weren't big enough dorks to care, Nintendo Power
was the be all and end all of magazines for elementary school students. That and Mad Magazine.
Power gave us such gems as the famous Contra code (up up down down left right left right B A B A
select start) and the code for Punch-Out that would take you directly to Mike Tyson. If Nintendo
Power said it, then rest assured it was true.
However, Brian and I refused to believe any of this because Brian also had a subscription to the
magazine but had yet to receive the latest edition. So we did what any normal kids would do and
laughed voraciously at the absurd name and mocked Ben ruthlessly for stooping so low as to desperately
attempt to impress us with deceit. "Yeah right, dork face," I astutely observed.
"I'm serious!" was Ben's retort, but Brian and I remained steadfast in our belief that Ben was
lying. Ben, sounding like he was holding back tears, yelled, "Fine, don't believe me!" and hung up
the phone.
Later that night, as Brian and I were cutting a swath through our second 6-pack of coke and
second large pizza, Brian had an epiphany. "Hey Johnny, I think Ben might be telling the truth."
Puzzled and bemused by his statement, I inquired as to why. "Well, think about it," he said. "Ben
isn't smart enough to come up with a crazy name like that on his own. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
It sounds silly, but it's too creative for Ben to have made up."
It was at this point that we accepted that this was probably legitimate, and we apologized to Ben
the following Monday for assuming he was smart enough to create such a fantastical name himself. Ben
didn't seem too impressed with the apology, but he realized it was the best he was going to get and
he accepted it all the same.
Nintendo would indeed go on to release the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, and while I
certainly thought it was cool at the time, attempts in later years to play it and relive a little
old glory showed just how cheesy the game truly was. May we never revert back to the old school
"play a game for four hours with only three lives and if you die you have to start all over" style of
video gaming.
Brian, Ben, and I would all go our separate ways after I transferred to another school in 7th grade.
I kept in touch with Brian for a while, but I haven't seen him since the time three or four years ago
when I happened to run into him at a local theater. He was working as a manager. When I went back
a couple of months later, he was already gone.
For a guy who looked like a chubbier Doogie Howser, Brian drifted with the wind quicker than you'd
expect. He'd give you a cell phone number one day and it'd be disconnected the next. Chance
meetings always ended with promises to keep in touch, but those promises were only ever met with
other chance meetings. But man, we sure had some fun times back in those hazy, moist-eyed days of
our youth.
As for Ben? I saw him about 15 years later in the bathroom at a Memphis Tigers football game. Our
paths crossed, and as we made eye contact, our faces were painted with looks of strained recognition.
Finally realizing who the other was, we said our brief hellos, engaged in about 8 seconds of small
talk, and went our separate ways, never to see each other again.
Ghosts from the past. They're odd. Reminders of a more innocent time in our lives. Memories long
forgotten but instantly recalled. Unearthed time capsules. I like to think of everybody
I've met in life in terms of exactly how I left them. Were that reality then I'm sure we'd all be
living in simpler, more innocent times.
But that reality would also leave me as a kid who lived for baseball, video games, pizza, and
watching Joanna Kerns every Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM Central as opposed to the adult who lives
for, well, baseball, video games, pizza, and watching Joanna Kerns every evening on Nick at Night.
Never mind. It looks like growing up truly is overrated.
Perhaps most of us really don't grow up much beyond what we once were. We get a little funnier,
a little smarter, a little more muscular (I'm just using myself as an example here), and our attitudes
are shaped by our experiences, but deep down we're the little kids we've always been.
If you aren't, then enjoy living a miserable life. The rest of us have some living to do, and I hope
you'll excuse us if we act like kids while doing it.
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March 20, 2007
On DVD this Week
I've only seen one of this week's DVD releases, but another one was seen and reviewed by TMM's very own Nikki
Bluejeans. Check out this week's DVD preview for a fine example of me
struggling to find something to with which to update the site.
The Last Mimzy
Welp, here's the deal - I did attend a screening of this last night, but I fell asleep about 20 minutes into the
movie and didn't wake up until about 40 minutes later. By the time I woke up, I really didn't have much of a clue
about what was going on, but I ended up getting the gist.
I wasn't overly impressed with what I saw (thus the 40 minute nap), but I don't think it'd be entirely fair to write
an official review since I missed almost half of the movie.
Thanks Horatio
In case you missed last night's CSI: Miami, Horatio treated us all to a wonderful pre-opening credits
one-liner. Ol' H has been slacking off recently, not even bothering to go for cheesy, obvious puns, but this week
he was back in full force.
Some dude was shot and fell off a balcony, landing on an ice sculpture. Naturally, the ice went through his chest.
The black coroner chick who used to be on NewsRadio was commenting on the cruelty of the act and said, "That's
cold-blooded, Horatio."
H, not wasting this golden opportunity, put on his sunglasses and deadpanned, "It's as cold ... as ice."
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
It made me way happier than I should be willing to admit.
TMM PSA
Picture the scene. You're forced to change cubicles at work, and it takes you a full two days to transfer years of
accumulated papers and junk to the other side of the floor to your new gray cell. If, during the process of moving
your stuff a manager comes up to you and says, "You're moving, huh?" the correct response is NOT "Well, I can certainly
see why you're in management."
It's hilarious, and it may be the PERFECT response, but I assure you that it's not likely the one you should actually
use. Just so you know.
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March 19, 2007
Not to be Mean, but...
So I'm sitting here on the ol' laptop browsing the net, trying to think of something to write about, and the channel is
on CBS. No particular reason other than I was watching the local news on that channel and never bothered to change it.
Well, Inside Edition Weekend is on, and they just mentioned that Heather Mills McCartney will be on the upcoming
season of Dancing with the Stars.
Um, am I missing something (like a leg, perhaps - BWAHAHAHA) or does this just sound like a really tasteless publicity
act? I don't want to make light of disabilities, but since Heather is universally accepted as a gold-diggin' wainch,
I figure she's fair game. Seriously, how am I supposed to watch her peg leg around on the dance floor and not
laugh? I mean, if her partner has an off night then she won't have a leg to stand on!
Oh quit your whining. Nobody likes her, and I'm in a cranky mood.
Speaking of wainches, why is Rosie O'Donnell hanging upside down and looking even more foolish than usual? Wait, don't
answer that. I'd rather not know. Time to change the channel.
Somewhere in Time
All right, fess up - who was it that recommended Somewhere in Time to me? After
The Lake House was released, someone recommended that I watch
SIT, starring Christopher Reeve as a Chicago playwright who uses self-hypnosis to find Jane Seymour whose
vintage portrait hangs in a grand hotel.
It came on Encore the other night so I recorded it and then watched it today. Well, it's more accurate to say I
fast-forwarded through it. Man, that was a boring 45 minutes of my time. At least an hour of the movie consisted
of Reeve staring blankly at something amidst the background of vintage 1980s keyboard music.
To whom it was that said I should watch it - you owe me 45 minutes.
Infomercials
There's a reason we should all be in the bed, sound asleep at 1:30 AM rather than sitting in front of the TV. That
reason? Infomercials. The one gracing my screen at the moment is about a website that supposedly teaches people how
to invest in the stock market. I'm being treated to all sorts of testimonials about how normal, everyday people are
learning how to trade and are now on the edge of wealth and prosperity.
I think my favorite is the 5'2" bull rider wearing the extra tight Rustler jeans with the extra orange trim. He's
actually using bull metaphors to describe the market. Ooooh, one of his stocks just went up 17% in one day! TIME TO
TRADE! The host just said, "Ridin' bulls, tradin' with bulls..." and then laughed with undeserved
self-satisfaction.
That's it. That's my limit. I refuse to subject any more of my brain cells to this. Bed time.
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March 16, 2007
Opening this Week
  
Premonition - Not based on the John Fogerty song of the same name,
Premonition tells the story of Sandra Bullock as a housewife who is shocked when her husband
dies in a car crash and reappears the next day. She realizes it was a premonition and tries to avoid
the tragedy.
They didn't screen this one in Memphis, so unfortunately I can't review it for you, and I'm sure not
going to pay money to see it. Supernatural thrillers always grab my attention, but this one probably
wouldn't even be on my radar if not for Sandra's presence.
Anyway, I don't know how many more ways you can do the ol' "groundhog day" storyline and make it
fresh. If the reviews are any judge, and they usually aren't unless they're my reviews, this one
doesn't succeed. See this one at your own risk, and if you do then please feel free to send me your
thoughts so I can share with the rest of the Movie Marks.
My readers are among the most intelligent in the world (why else would you consistently read such
high quality stuff here at TMM?) so I trust you to send me legitimate feedback on the film's
quality.
Dead Silence - A widower returns to his hometown to search for answers to
his wife's murder. This one's brought to us by the same gang who delivered the original Saw.
The trailer looks pretty creepy, but looks can be deceiving.
I don't think this one was screened anywhere, so that could mean the studio feared bad reviews or
they just knew that genre fans would enjoy it and thus they didn't care to give 80-year-old critics
an opportunity to editorialize.
I Think I Love My Wife - Well, they screened this one in Memphis, but I had
no desire to see it. A remake about Chris Rock daydreaming about being with other women and
ultimately finding his will and morals tested after he's visited by the ex-mistress of his old
friend?
I almost wish I had seen it so I could've joked, "They should have called the movie I Think Chris
Rock Stopped Being Funny About 10 Years Ago." Would've been sweet.
Note: Mark Wahlberg's Shooter was originally supposed to open today,
but it's been pushed back to next Friday. I have seen it and will be reviewing it next week along with
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and possibly Pride and The Last Mimzy.
A Note to Diana Ross
"Pronunciate" is NOT a word. Using it once tells me that you could've just innocently mixed up
your words. Using it twice tells me you're an idiot. Dictionaries are your friends. So are
mirrors. You might want to try purchasing both.
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March 15, 2007
On DVD this Week
There are three main releases this week, and I've seen all three. Which one gets the Johnny Betts
Recommendation of the Week? And how do the other two fare? click
right here to find out.
The Guys and Girls of Grindhouse
Are you interested in a quick snippet about some of the casting choices for Grindhouse? I know
you are, so head to
this
page and click on "The Girls and Guys of Grindhouse - Directors Quentin Tarantino and Robert
Rodriguez talk about assembling their stellar cast."
Pay careful attention at around the 1:24 mark when Rodriguez mentions how he's always tried to work
with Josh Brolin. If "No dead bodies for da-da tonight," doesn't creep you out, then I don't know
what will.
I have a feeling that Josh will get plenty of "bad guy" offers after being seen in this role.
Fun Fact: Robert Rodriguez was originally set to direct The Mask of Zorro and offered the role of
Capt. Harrison Love (Catherine Zeta Jones' fiance) to Josh. Rodriguez later left the project because the
studio didn't like his much-more violent and R-rated proposal.
Early Oscar Talk
Apparently it's never too early to start Oscar speculation. One industry insider has already made
predictions on the possible contenders. The most interesting aspect of this is three projects that
Josh is working on for 2007 are in the discussions...
BEST PICTURE
No Country for Old Men
American Gangster
In the Valley of Elah
BEST DIRECTOR
Joel and Ethan Coen - No Country for Old Men
Ridley Scott - American Gangster
Paul Haggis - In the Valley of Elah
And the big one...
BEST ACTOR
Josh Brolin - No Country for Old Men
That's right; at least one industry insider thinks Josh is one of the potential Oscar nominees for
Best Actor. You've heard it here first, and you'll hear it hear last... 2007 will go down in history
as DUHN DUHN DUHN The Year of Josh (echoes).
There are just a few spots left on the bandwagon, folks. You might wanna jump on before it's too
late. Oh, and the bandwagon will soon be replaced by a freight train, so you might wanna go ahead and
make reservations for that as well. It officially leaves the station on April 6. Don't tarry.
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March 14, 2007
Random Comments on News Headlines
For some reason, I'm in a stream-of-consciousness type of mood to just make comments on various
entertainment headlines. I'll post the headline and then follow-up with pithy comments. We'll
see how it works.
- Tori Spelling Gives Birth ... to mediocrity. Sorry, first thing to come
to mind. Maybe things will pick up.
- 'Armed & Famous' in Mistaken Identity Lawsuit - For those of you who don't
know, Armed & Famous was the lame reality show with people such as Jack Osbourne, La Toya
Jackson, and Erik Estrada acting as part of the Muncie, Indiana police force.
Rumor has it that the lawsuit contends someone on the show was mistaken for a real
celebrity.
- Jennifer Hudson To Play Franklin in Film Biopic? Is it just me, or does
Jennifer Hudson just not seem like the ideal fit for Benjamin Franklin? OK, that was lame. I admit
it. Shake your heads all you want.
- Family Confirms Jeni Was Clinically Depressed - Well, he was a
judge on Pet Star, hosted by Mario Lopez. You do the math.
- Jolie Could Have New Son in Next Few Weeks - Betts Could Have Less Reason
to Care. Oh wait, no he couldn't.
- Elizabeth Taylor Slams Australian TV Show - Then Eats it Whole. It sounded funnier
in my head. I could delete this, but I'm courageous enough to leave it out there for the world to
see.
- Vatican To Launch Satellite TV Network - Details of the programming were
not announced. However, possibilities include How I Met Your Mother Superior, Dancing with
the Vicars, and So You Think You Can Homily. My apologies to any Catholic readers who
lack a sense of humor.
- Sarah Jessica Parker Launches Fashion Line ... for horses. My apologies
to any Sarah Jessica Parker fans who lack a sense of sight.
And with that, I'm outta here! Tomorrow I'll give you a quick rundown of this week's DVD releases,
and we'll see what other fun things I can pull out of my bag. I said BAG! Smart alecks.
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March 13, 2007
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Earthstorm
"Upon deep reflection, I have to conclude the only thing that makes
Earthstorm slightly watchable is looking for the
hidden meaning behind the dialogue. Look closely enough and you'll see all sorts of slightly-veiled
Baldwin family references."
Johnny reviews Earthstorm, starring Stephen Baldwin
and Face from The A-Team.
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March 12, 2007
Box Office, Baby!
Folks, I don't like to brag, but is it a coincidence that my most enthusiastically-recommended film
of the year has just happened to become this year's most successful at the box office? Don't think
so. I spoke; America listened. And responded.
300 grabbed the box office by the throat and kicked it
square in the butt, amassing approximately $70 million over the weekend and exceeding all
expectations.
Rumor has it that Hollywood is so excited at 300's success
that it's desperately trying to fast-track a sequel. Further rumors, much uglier ones at that, state
that the movie would be entitled: 301: Prepare for More-y!
Were this to happen, Frank Miller would wish he were dead so that he could roll over in his grave.
As always, I'll keep you updated.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of the Stephen Baldwin/Face from A-Team collaboration - Earthstorm. Contain
your excitement for one more day mi muchachos y muchachas, good times are almost here.
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March 9, 2007
REVIEW: 300
"Combining wonderfully exciting action, a great historically-laced (although not entirely accurate) story,
stunning visuals and imagery, quotable dialogue, a sexy leading lady in Lena Headey, and an awesome hero in
Gerard Butler, 300 is sort of a highly-stylized, 21st Century
version of Braveheart. A real hulk of a film that's overflowing with testosterone and adrenaline
that refuses to allow its actions or characters to be hampered by the laws of physics or the laws of
physical characteristics."
Johnny reviews 300, starring Gerard Butler, Lena Headey, Dominic
West, David Wenham, and Rodrigo Santoro.
REVIEW: King of Cars
Now in its second season, A&E's King of Cars takes a behind-the-scenes look at the fast-paced,
hectic, competitive world of car sales. I admit that I had no clue what the show was about, nor did I
have any interest in watching it, until I received promotional copies of a couple of this season's
episodes.
Even then I left the package unopened, on my desk, due to my busy schedule and the inability to summon
the inspiration to sit down and watch it.
But then I finally sat down and watched the first episode, and you know what? I simply had to know what
happened next and immediately watched the next one. I've always thought of car salesmen as annoying
little vultures, so I was surprised to find myself actually caring about their plight.
It's a crazy business. If you can't handle pressure then you won't make it in the world of car sales.
In fact, less than 25% of green peas (new car salesmen) make it past their first month. If you're
drawn to the allure of a potential six-figure salary and you plan on surviving in this business then
you have to hustle. You have to endure 15-hour days, 100-degree heat, and impatient customers who don't
want to waste their time. You have to sell cars, and you have to sell them quickly. There's simply no
time to kick your feet up and enjoy a little web-surfing time at work.
Most of us have gone through the pressure of buying a car, but if you're interested in seeing what kind of
pressure those selling us the cars go through then you should definitely check out King of
Cars.
King of Cars Contests
To celebrate the second season of KING OF CARS, A&E has set up two user-generated video promotions on
YouTube and Motion.TV with prizing ranging from a PlayStation 3 to a $500 Crutchfield(r) gift card.
KING OF CARS is a raucous, behind the scenes look at the world of car sales featuring Chop - a.k.a.
the "King of Cars" - and his colorful sales staff. The show reveals how Chop manages to run a hugely
successful auto empire in Nevada, while also balancing several other real life roles as father, rap
impresario, radio host, Vegas player and TV infomercial star and producer.
At YouTube, fans can upload a video to the King of Cars group
(http://www.youtube.com/group/kingofcars)
to show off their hot rides.
Two Grand Prize winners (one from each of these categories: Best Pimp'd Out Ride and Ride in Most
Need of a Makeover) will be awarded a $500 Crutchfield(r) gift card and other prizing. Eight
runners-up will win gift cards and branded merchandise.
At Motion.tv, fans can show off their lip-sync skills by uploading a video of themselves lip-syncing
to the catchy King of Cars theme at http://www.motion.tv/contests/kingofcars.
Prizes include a PlayStation 3, gift cards and branded merchandise.
King of Cars star Chop will be the official judge for both promotions, selecting the winners based on
talent and creativity. The deadline for both contests is April 17th, 2007.
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March 8, 2007
Dear McDonald's, I'm not an Idiot
A few weeks ago I stopped by McDonald's for some less-than-nutritious breakfast. I ordered the tasty
steak biscuit combo (well, it's tasty until it starts piledriving your digestive tract about 30 minutes
later) and asked for coffee as my drink. "How many creams and sugars?" the cashier asked me.
My befuddled stare alerted her immediately to the fact that I was unaware of McDonald's shift in
coffee policy, so she said, "Do you not know that we now add the cream and sugar for you?"
"No, I didn't know that," I responded.
"Oh, yeah, well, it's a new thing."
"Great," I sarcastically uttered. "Perfecting the taste of my coffee is a scientific experiment.
There's no set formula."
"I know, I know," she sympathized. "Not a lot of people are happy with it, but I guess McDonald's wants
to control how much cream and sugar is used."
"You know, Burger King doesn't regulate how much cream and sugar you can use. But I guess that's why
their motto is 'have it your way,'" I replied. The cashier smiled, obviously aware of how silly
this cream and sugar crackdown is. I reluctantly guessed at 4 creams and 5 sugars, and it ended up
tasting all right. A fluke, I'm sure. But I still like having the freedom to make it just
right.
You know somewhere else they won't let you have the freedom of adding your own cream and sugar? Red
China. But hey, it's McDonald's policy, as annoying as it is, so they can do what they want. That's not
my biggest problem with it.
What really bugs me is how I can't listen to the radio without hearing a stupid McDonald's ad boasting
about how they're doing us a favor by adding the cream and sugar. "Let us add the cream and sugar for
you!" the ad screams, as if they're saving us all from the back-breaking labor of doing it on our
own.
It's called indoctrination, people. McDonald's is taking away our right to add cream and sugar to
our heart's content and forcing us to let them do it, and what's worse, they're selling it in such
a way as to make us feel like we should thank them for it.
What's next? Regulations on how many children we can have?
Well I'm sorry, but that just doesn't fly with ol' Johnny. I'm taking my caffeine-addicted breakfast
needs to Waffle House where the hash browns are crisp, the coffee's hot, and the cream and sugar is
plentiful.
Coming Tomorrow...
My much-anticipated (by two or three of you) review of 300.
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March 7, 2007
Bad Sequels Alert
Gingerdead Man 2 - If I didn't read it with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it.
Movies like the original Gingerdead Man just don't
come along very often. Seeing something like that sitting on the video shelf is a rare gift.
Granted, not everybody understands the allure of Gary Busey starring in a movie about a homicidal cookie,
but for those of us who do, we know it's a movie hunter's biggest catch. You go to the video store, excited
by the prospects of what you might find, and then BAM, there's a DVD cover with a gingerbread man holding a
knife.
"Do it yourself Mystery Science Theater" never tasted so good.
Well, horror magazine Fangoria is now reporting that a sequel is on the way. "How could it get any worse?" you
might ask. By adding the subtitle "Passion of the Crust," I wisely respond.
Somebody named Sylvia St. Croix, whose name doesn't appear anywhere on IMDb, will be writing and directing
this little *ahem* nugget and thusly explains, "It takes place on the set of an
ultra-low-budget horror film, where a sick Make-a-Wish-type kid wants to meet the cast and crew. He and the
others get more than they bargain for when the world's most ruthless, violent yet chewy and delicious
cookie returns to continue his murderous killing spree. Bad yeast will rise again - with the ultimate in
horrible taste."
Quite simply, that sounds horrible. Yet, I won't be able to resist renting it. Unfortunately, Gary
Busey's name isn't attached to the project. The lack of the Buse's (my cool nickname for him) presence
will severely hurt the film's "entertainment" value because, let's face it, really, really bad movies are
made all the more watchable when they contain a "name" actor who is obviously at the desperate end of
his career.
Perhaps Tom Sizemore or Nick Nolte might be available for this follow-up? Could Lou Diamond Phillips be
tired of battling Sci-Fi Original aliens and ready to tackle baked goods? Rest assured, I'll keep you
up-to-date on this *ahem* half-baked idea...
Man, I'm good.
BloodRayne 2: Deliverance - How can the BloodRayne franchise get
any worse? Easy - set it in the Old West, make Billy the Kid a vampire, and give Michael Paré a much
bigger role as Sheriff Pat Garrett.
I'm being serious. That's not a Movie Mark Original! That is actually the premise of the follow-up to
Uwe Boll's BloodRayne. And yes, Boll is indeed directing this stenchfest.
Not everybody's cup of tea? That's like saying Rosie O'Donnell isn't every man's type of woman. But
for those of us who like to use such examples of bad cinema as inspiration to reach for our own goals,
this is just the type of motivation we need.
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March 6, 2007
Sci-Fi Original Alert
Good news! It's finally here! The day we've all been waiting for!
The Dark Knight has been given an official release date?!?!?!
Oh, no, that's not it.
Ohhhhh, Josh Brolin has received an Oscar nomination!
Well, that's not it either.
Come on, Johnny! Don't leave us in suspense any longer! What is it?!?!?!
The Stephen Baldwin/Face from The A-Team collaboration known as Earthstorm is finally
going to air on the Sci-Fi Channel!
Oh.
Hey! Where's the excitement??? Look, I don't know about you, but one of the biggest fears I live with
on a daily basis is what would happen if a massive asteroid crashed on the moon and began causing
storms on earth due to sudden changes in ocean tides???
And, how would we react if NASA (or some fake version thereof) researched the problem and
discovered that the asteroid's impact had left the moon's structure unstable?
Why, I think it's safe to say that all of life on earth would be threatened!
Wouldn't you like to see exactly how we'd deal with such a crisis? I think so. And that's why
you'll be glued to the TV this Saturday evening at 8:00 PM Central.
We can only hope that if such a dire situation occurs that our scientists will have a demolitions
expert like Stephen Baldwin (um, I mean John Redding) to figure out a way to secure the moon.
How can you go wrong with a tagline like, "Man once landed on the moon. Now it's landing on us."? You
just can't.
I hear that there's an awesome subplot where some sort of flying debris makes contact with Dirk
Benedict's face, causing his entire facelift to become unstable. A plastic surgeon is called in
to help. We can only hope this storyline didn't hit the cutting room floor.
300
It screened, I saw, it kicked much rump. Hey, maybe I'll have the review done before Friday.
Poor Rich Actors
Folks, it brings me no joy to report that Lost stars Naveen Andrews and Dominic Monaghan are
upset with their lack of screen time in the show's third season. You know what that means? They're
being paid $78,000 A WEEK to sit around in Hawaii and do nothing.
Must be rough. They make more in a week than most people make in a year, and they're basically enjoying
a paid vacation, and all they can do is complain?
I just ask that you remember their plight in your thoughts and prayers. Nobody deserves that kind of
suffering.
On DVD This Week
I haven't seen (or didn't review) any of this week's DVD releases, so I'm not making a separate page
for 'em. Sorry, I just don't see the point. All you need to know is the big releases include
Borat, Let's Go to Prison, Fast Food Nation, and Conversations with God.
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March 5, 2007
No Country for Old Men
Here's a look at Josh Brolin as Moss in the Coen Brothers' upcoming No Country for Old Men.
Let's see; we've got rifles, cowboy hats, cowboy boots, dead bodies, and open prairies. And that's only in
a single picture! Yep - it's gonna be a sweet time at the movies.
What's Wrong with Theaters and their Filthy Seats?
Much to my dismay, last week's screening of Zodiac was
at Malco Majestic, AKA one of the worst theaters in the
city of Memphis.
Thankfully, movies are very rarely screened at Majestic,
but boy do I hate it when they are. In addition to the less-than-desirable fact that the theater
is located in an area somewhat known for its high rate of crime, it's simply not known for its
cleanliness or comfort.
I was reminded of this when I walked into the theater and my nostrils were greeted with what I can only
describe as the stale, pungent odor of death. It was as if a musty crypt had just been opened after a
few centuries. Later on, other "interesting" aromas would waft their way towards me. I think my favorite
is the one that is either B.O. or a Wendy's hamburger. Have you ever noticed how similar they can smell?
It's kind of weird. And disturbing.
Anyway, I can usually work my way around the bad smells simply by sticking my nose in my shirt and
inhaling my own naturally pleasant aroma. However, it's a little harder to get past the seats with
their odd-colored stains and grimy residue.
The seat I was in seemed to be smeared with some sort of strange concoction of vomit and chocolate
bar. I actually considered going to the bathroom and getting some paper towels to cover the seat, but
alas, the movie was about to start and I didn't want to miss anything. Instead, I scrunched myself as
far to the right in the seat as possible, doing my best not to make contact with anything.
Folks, when I am forced to treat a movie seat as if it's a public restroom toilet, well, we've got
serious problems. Is it too much to ask that the theaters figure out a way to periodically clean their
seats? Come on, if you don't want to spend the money to get it professionally done then give some of
your minimum wage employees a bottle of shampoo, a bucket of water, and a sturdy rag.
It probably wouldn't hurt to replace the seats every now and then, but what do I know? I'm just a
moviegoer with a savvy business sense.
I wouldn't go to a restaurant that never cleaned it seats or tables and expected me to sit in filth,
so why do you think I'm going to accept such a lack of respect from a movie theater?
Clean up your act, theaters, and quit acting bewildered over the fact that more people are just waiting
for movies to be released on DVD. People are getting tired of taking out second mortgages to pay for
your over-priced concessions, and they're certainly fed up with having to sit in your food-stained
(or worse) seats.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?!
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March 2, 2007
REVIEW: Zodiac
"The actors are great (especially Downey and his welcome comic relief), the atmosphere is foreboding,
and the investigative process is engaging. It may run a little long for some, but I didn't mind the
runtime at all. It's a fascinating case, and I wanted all the information the movie was willing to give
me."
Johnny reviews Zodiac, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark
Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Anthony Edwards. I have agree with those who have labeled it 2007's
first great film.
REVIEW: Black Snake Moan
"Black Snake Moan feels like a gritty, twisted blues
song come alive on screen. It's a character study, and if you have any hope of enjoying it then you must
accept the fact that the film doesn't shy away from showcasing the underbelly of a very disturbed young
woman and the path she's traveling."
Johnny reviews Black Snake Moan, starring Samuel L.
Jackson and Christina Ricci.
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March 1, 2007
Johnny's Best of 2006
Johnny's Best of 2006 list is here! Johnny's best of 2006 list is here! The excitement in the air is so thick you could eat
it with a spoon. Or a fork, if you preferred. No further pomp and circumstance is needed. I know you're eager to get to the
goods, so I give you...
JOHNNY BETTS' TOP 10 OF 2006 LIST
There are probably a couple of unexpected entries, but you know me - I'm all about buckin' convention and living on the edge.
Remember, just click on a movie's title to read my review (where applicable).
And if you haven't read it yet, then you certainly don't want to miss...
JOHNNY BETTS' BOTTOM 10 OF 2006 LIST
Enjoy.
Coming Tomorrow
Reviews of Zodiac and Black Snake Moan.
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