BREAKING NEWS - MARCH 2008
March 31, 2008
Go Tigers!
That's right; everybody needs to be cheering on the Memphis Tigers this weekend! Who cares about movies? THE TIGERS ARE IN THE FINAL FOUR, BABY!
But since I know some of you people are un-American and don't care, I'll let you know that I'm planning on attending two screenings this week - Leatherheads and The Ruins. Plans could
change, especially since the screening of The Ruins is at 10:00 PM on Thursday, but for now that's what I'm going with.
Also, be on the lookout this week for the sign up for the screening of Street Kings. I know it's a small update, but I'm too pumped up over the Tigers' dominating weekend to really focus on
the site at the moment. More tomorrow!
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March 28, 2008
Opening this Week
SUPERHERO MOVIE
Director: Craig Mazin
Stars: Drake Bell, Leslie Nielsen, and Sara Paxton
Rated: PG-13 (for crude and sexual content, comic violence, drug references and language)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: None that I could find.
Length: 85 minutes
Website: Superhero Movie
Studio: Dimension Films
The Plot: A spoof of superhero movies.
Johnny's Take: How can a movie that can't even produce two minutes of entertainment for the trailer expect me to tolerate it for a full 85? Yes, the
"Tom Cruise is dead" bit is hilarious, but the rest of the trailer showcases the Spider-Man wannabe slamming his head into about 58 different objects. HA HA HA. Yeah, a real laugh riot.
And they want people to pay $8+ a pop to sit through this? Please.
This is one of those movies that I'd flip past on the USA channel one night, pause briefly to see if it may offer a few laughs, realize quickly that I could actually feel my brain cells dying,
and then hurry up and change the channel to something more intellectually enlightening. Like American Idol.
21
Director: Robert Luketic
Stars: Jim Sturgess, Kate Bosworth, and Kevin Spacey
Rated: PG-13 (for some violence, and sexual content including partial nudity)
Genre: Drama
Tagline: Inspired by the true story of five students who changed the game forever.
Length: 123 minutes
Website: 21
Studio: Columbia Pictures
The Plot: Based on the true story of a group of MIT students who are trained by one of their professors (Spacey) in the art of card counting. They win a few million
dollars from some Vegas casinos and trouble ensues.
Johnny's Take: I originally thought the title indicated a documentary about Kate Bosworth's current weight, but then I did a little more research. The true story is
an interesting one, but will it hold up as a 2+ hour theatrical presentation? Maybe. I didn't feel like driving all the way out to Collierville (a ~25 minute drive) to find out. I'll catch it
on TBS one day when it's paired with Rounders or Lucky You.
STOP-LOSS
Director: Kimberly Peirce
Stars: Ryan Phillippe, Abbie Cornish, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Rated: R (for graphic violence and pervasive language)
Genre: Drama/War
Tagline:
Length: 113 minutes
Website: Stop-Loss
Studio: Paramount Pictures
The Plot: Back home in Texas after fighting in Iraq, a soldier (Phillippe) refuses to return to battle despite the government mandate requiring him to do so.
Johnny's Take: Great. MTV Films presents heavy-handed social commentary on the Iraq war! Well, that should be a burst of enlightenment. Why does the movie poster look
like the cover of an Eminem album?
Welp, let me take a quick look at the trailer so I can give a more accurate assessment...
Ouch. No way I could sit through two hours of those fake southern accents. Ryan Phillippe's typical marble-mouthed mumbling is bad enough, but his Lucas Black impersonation makes this unbearable.
I guess this is for people who don't get enough sermonizing on Sunday? Enjoy your $5 million box office weekend!
RUN, FATBOY RUN
Director: David Schwimmer
Stars: Simon Pegg, Thandie Newton, and Hank Azaria
Rated: PG-13 (for some rude and sexual humor, nudity, language and smoking)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: Love. Commitment. Responsibility. There's nothing he can't run away from.
Length: 100 minutes
Website: Run, Fatboy Run
Studio: Picturehouse Entertainment
The Plot: About ten years after he left his fiancée (Newton) at the altar, the rather corpulent Dennis (Pegg) preps for a real-life marathon with real-life romantic
consequences hanging in the balance.
Johnny's Take: "Rather corpulent"? Simon Pegg is the type of person who is now deemed as "corpulent"? Come on. Sure, he's no physical specimen ala Johnny Betts, but
not many people look at him and think "obese." What a stupid description and stupid movie title. All you legitimately corpulent people should be offended! What's next? Britney Spears is
"rather intelligent"? Lindsay Lohan is "rather sober"? Paris Hilton is "rather chaste"?
Annoying oxymorons aside, the trailer didn't do anything for me. To quote my girlfriend, "It looks dumb." Simon Pegg can wear a Speedo and fidget with it a lot. That's great. I think I'll pass. Sorry,
but I still refuse to jump on the Pegg bandwagon. I never saw Hot Fuzz, and I still maintain (and correctly so) that Shaun of the Dead
is overrated. This looks less funny than either of those.
"You just don't get British humor, Johnny!"
I love John Cleese and Fawlty Towers so give that line a rest, OK? OK.
"You're rather funny, Johnny."
Shut up.
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March 27, 2008
Upcoming Movie Mark Original
After last week's hilarious diagnosis of the Sci Fi Original Rock Monster, I've decided to do my own spin-off. Now, of course, this isn't a direct spin-off of what the Sci Fi pooped on us, oh no.
Without my brilliantly poignant addition of the Paper Monster, there would be nowhere for the movie franchise to go. So, allow me to introduce to you an upcoming Movie Mark Original:
Paper Monster: Recycled
Trante, get to work on a poster, please. Stay tuned and I'll fill in more details soon. I need to figure out who the lead should be. I'm thinking Lou Diamond Phillips. Naturally, the protagonist
will be extra motivated to defeat the Paper Monster because of a paper factory accident that killed his father.
Oh yeah, and how could the Sci Fi Channel miss out on this perfect tagline for Rock Monster: "He will rock you." Man, that was a golden egg they just ignored. Sad, so sad.
Upcoming Movie Screening
There'll be a sign up for a screening of the upcoming Street Kings. Be on the lookout!
Coming Tomorrow...
I didn't screen any of this week's releases (because I had other things to do and didn't feel like driving out to Collierville), but I'll preview 'em for ya. That way you'll know what to
expect if you're thinking of seeing a new release this weekend. In reality, you should probably stay home and root for the Memphis Tigers to advance to the Final Four. I don't care if you
don't live in Memphis. How about you show a little love anyway? Thanks.
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March 26, 2008
Star Wars Fans Fight for Valiant Cause
Failing to shed their geeky image, Star Wars fans are threatening to boycott AND picket the Weinstein Company's upcoming Superhero Movie. Their beef stems from an announcement by The Weinstein
Co. that it will release two versions of Fanboys. Fanboys tells the story of a group of Star Wars fans who sneak into Skywalker Ranch to steal an early copy of The Phantom Menace.
In the original version, one of the fans is stricken with cancer. Deciding the cancer subplot is too hard to market to the coveted teen demographic, the studio decided to completely remove
that aspect of the story.
Having seen and loved the original version, Star Wars nerds were launched into a frenetic uproar and now - thanks to the lack of girlfriends and other after-school activities - have the time to
organize boycotts of Superhero Movie.
Hey guys, let me tell you that picket lines are truly unnecessary in this case. You really want to turn people away from buying tickets for Superhero Movie? Just show them the trailer. That'll
cause moviegoers to do a little soul searching.
"So Johnny, what do you think about all this?"
Welp, let me tell ya. I watched the trailer, and the movie looks funny. I'm a huge fan of Star Wars, and this is definitely one I want to see. It's got Kristen Bell and cameos by Carrie Fisher and
William Shatner! Still not convinced? Well, how about Billy Dee Williams appearing as "Judge Reinhold"??? If that doesn't pique your interest then you seriously need more historical movie education.
The studio bought the rights to the film in 2005, based on its strong reaction at various Star Wars festivals. Why not just go with the filmmakers' original concept? Let's face it; this isn't a movie
that's going to make $200 million at the box office.
You don't think you can market a comedy with a character who has cancer? Well, just don't showcase that aspect in the trailer. Moviegoers will survive. I suppose it can be looked at as a positive
that they're exploring the concept of releasing two theatrical versions, but why not just consolidate all the marketing into one release? This is a film that will likely find its biggest
audience on DVD anyway, so make the original your theatrical release and then put both versions on DVD. There, problem solved. You're welcome, Weinstein Co. Now, is this really something important enough
that people should pick up their guns and go to war over?
No, probably not. But I'll try not to pass judgment on someone else's passion.
If you'd like to find out more about what these Star Wars fans are upset about you can check out their site: Stop Darth Weinstein.
Jared Leto's a Fatty
After gaining 60 pounds to play Mark David Chapman (John Lennon's killer) in Chapter 27, Jared Leto is concerned he'll never regain his girlish figure, "My body was in shock from
the amount of weight I gained. It took about a year to get back to a place that felt semi-normal. I don't know if I'll ever be back to the place I was physically." Complaining that he
couldn't walk or talk right after gaining all the weight, Leto says he'd never do it again, but he feels the transformation was important to accurately represent the psychopathic killer.
Having heard Leto's "method acting" explanation for his weight gain, a nearby Kirstie Alley screamed out, between scarfed down burritos, "Yeah, method acting! What he said!"
Check out the picture above showcasing Leto's girth. Is it just me or does he look like he's playing a fat Jim Carrey?
Celebrities Act Like They're Doing Something Important
According to IMDb, Ben Affleck, Garth Brooks, Reese Witherspoon and Eva Mendes have filmed a series of public service commercials with the intent of urging Americans to vote. The premise of the
commercials is to show the celebs chilling and doing normal, every day things as they talk about the importance of voting. Brooks changes a light bulb, Mendes drinks coffee, Witherspoon goes shoe
shopping, and Affleck makes a crappy movie.
Day of the Dead Remake
Is there anybody here who wants to see the upcoming Day of the Dead remake? I mean a huge zombie fan who REALLY wants to see it? If so then send me an
email and tell me why.
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March 25, 2008
TRAILER REVIEW: The Incredible Hulk
Depicting the events after the Gamma Bomb, The Incredible Hulk tells the story of Dr. Bruce Banner, a scientist who seeks a cure to his unique condition. You see, he has the tendency to turn
into a green monster under the duress of heavy emotional stress. The expected hijinks and shenanigans ensue - he runs from military, he almost finds a cure, and then Tim Roth turns himself into a
creature called Abomination, and the Hulk must defeat him and save all of mankind from its eventual destruction.
Well, I just watched the trailer, and I'm not convinced that it's going to be awesome. You can check it out here
if you'd like to form your own opinion. I'm just wondering, how necessary is this?
"More necessary than Midnight Meat Train."
Point conceded, but still. We're only five years removed from Hulk, a movie hated by many people, so it seems kind of weird to completely reinvent the franchise after such a short period of
time. Seriously, how much of this story is there to tell? The Hulk has never been the most inventive or creative of superheroes. He's a giant green monster who can break stuff and smash things.
How many different ways can you possibly spin that story? If this bombs at the box office will Hollywood wait another five years and then give Fisher Stevens a whirl as Bruce Banner?
For those of you who aren't aware, this is NOT a sequel and it does not contain any of the original cast. Ed Norton replaces Eric Bana as Bruce Banner (it's a toss-up, but I think Bill Bixby was
better-suited), Liv Tyler replaces Jennifer Connelly as Betty (I prefer Connelly), and William Hurt replaces Sam Elliot as General Ross (Elliot wins going away).
The Hulk's CGI looks better than in the first one, but I still think a green Lou Ferrigno beats them all. That's right. I'm not ashamed to admit it. No matter what Hollywood throws at us with its special
effects, I prefer my superheroes with a human touch - see Christian Bale's Batman and Hugh Jackman's Wolverine for the two most obvious examples. Granted, you may argue that Ben Affleck's
Daredevil made a compelling case for going the CGI route, but I say it proved the importance of choosing capable actors.
The film looks like it's definitely striving to be more action-packed, so that will be a huge benefit, and it's one reason why I trust it'll be fairly entertaining on at least some level. But it's hard
to really care knowing that The Dark Knight's release will be about a month away. It's THE superhero movie of the summer. If The Incredible Hulk is content with being an appetizer to the
main course then so be it, but the trailer reveals a story that leaves a lot to be desired, so it better deliver in terms of action and special effects.
I'm not convinced it will, but I'm more than willing to give it a fair shot.
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March 24, 2008
TRAILER REVIEW: Superhero Movie
One of the films opening this week, which is not being screened (big surprise), is Superhero Movie. It's a parody of, well, superhero movies. I'm more than a little concerned with the potential
quality of a movie whenever a two-minute trailer showcases approximately 12 pratfalls. The Spider-Man wannabe breakdancing on the side of the building didn't exactly send me into hysterics either.
However, I will give the trailer credit - it managed to elicit one genuine audible laugh from yours truly.
There's a character in the movie who is satirizing Tom Cruise. I have no idea what the context is, but the fake Tom Cruise is vehemently asserting that he can fly. The very next scene shows a newscaster
announcing, "This just in ... Tom Cruise is dead." In the background we see the fake Tom Cruise sprawled out on the concrete. That's hilarious. Unfortunately, it was about the only thing I found funny
in the trailer.
I will not be spending my hard-earned money to go to the theater and look for other inspired moments such as this one.
I'm not feeling inspired today, so this is all I've got. I think I'm still recovering from the Tigers' close victory yesterday. Any Michigan State fans here? If so then how do y'all deal with losing?
You might want to brush up on it by Friday.
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March 21, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: Drillbit Taylor
"Look, let's be honest. Let's create an open and soul-baring dialogue. Drillbit Taylor is stupid. It's predictable. It's
cliché. It's chock full of slapstick. And much like Cameron Diaz's chances of ever winning a Pulitzer Prize, it's highly unrealistic. But you know what? I laughed. Quite a
few times. Did you see director Steven Brill's last film Without a Paddle? It was all of the above as well, and guess
what - that's right; there were a couple of times when I laughed my well-toned buttocks off."
Click here to read Johnny and Side-Hug Sam's review of Drillbit Taylor,
starring Owen Wilson, Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile, David Dorfman, Alex Frost, and Leslie Mann.
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March 20, 2008
The Sci-Fi Channel Hits a New Low
Last night I was fast-forwarding through recently DVR'd episodes of The Scariest Places on Earth. Do y'all remember that? It was the Linda Blair-hosted show that
originally aired on the Fox Family Channel (I think) a couple of years ago, and the narrator was the uber-annoying Zelda Rubinstein. She's the old woman from Poltergeist
whose voice sounds like a demon-possessed child with a crack addiction. She might be a very nice lady (or she could be an absolute wainch, how would I know?), but I can't
imagine anybody listening to her voice on a daily basis and managing to NOT poke their eardrums out with the sharpest object at their disposal.
Anyway, that's pretty much irrelevant to this story. That's your set up. The reason I'm recording this show now is because there were a couple of episodes regarding
abandoned insane asylums, and I'd like to watch them again. Unfortunately, I have to spend most my time fast-forwarding through lame episodes about Chillingham Castle.
Yeah, that was a good one. The show claimed it was the most haunted castle in all of England, unspeakable horrors occurred there, even the world's most courageous man couldn't
last more than a half a second inside its walls without peeing his pants, etc. I did a little research and discovered it's now a quaint bed and breakfast. Hey, you do
what's necessary to bring in a crowd, right?
Sooooooo, as I'm fast-forwarding through one of the commercials my keen eyes spot what appears to be painfully bad CGI. I just had to rewind and take a closer look. It was
a commercial for the upcoming Sci Fi Original Rock Monster. Wow. It's a movie about, well, um, a huge monster made out of rock. It stars Chad Collins. You may
remember him from such classics as... um, classics like, well *ahem* that one where ... *Johnny takes a quick look at IMDb* LAKE PLACID 2! There you go! I knew he had
star power, baby!
I haven't seen Mr. Collins in action before, but I gotta tell you, he put on an absolute acting clinic in that short 2-minute spot! And by "acting clinic" I'm specifically
referring to the class that covers the subject "Here is what you absolutely should NOT do if you want people to think you're a good actor." Was Lorenzo Lamas not available?
I guess he was too busy working on Succubus: Hell Bent or 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
You gotta love the tagline...
"It didn't take a king to pull the sword from the stone, but it will take a hero to put it back."
Uh huh. And it didn't take a genius to write the pathetic script, but it will take a writing hero on the level of Johnny Betts to make it anything even resembling entertaining.
Rock Monster. It's the year 2008, and that's as creative as the Sci Fi Channel can get. You know how they could have actually made this movie work? All right, let
me share. Here's where I swoop in and make this floater somewhat watchable.
In addition to the Rock Monster you also have the Paper Monster and the Scissors Monster. Unable to defeat the Rock Monster on his own, Chad Collins has to devise a trap to
lure all three monsters into the same area at once. In what will be described as an epic battle to end all epic monster battles, the Rock Monster starts off looking absolutely
unstoppable by smashing the scissors. In comes the Paper Monster who immediately covers the Rock Monster. Now, conventional wisdom would tell you that a rock should easily
break through a thin piece of paper, but this is not so. Apparently some sort of magic resides within the Paper Monster, giving it the ability to cover the Rock Monster and
defeat it.
But where does this leave humanity? After all, a huge Paper Monster is still on the loose. While government officials are trying to figure out how to proceed, Tuff Dakota (as
played by Chuck Norris) makes a very special cameo. "It's time we send the Paper Monster's plans up in smoke," he grunts. "But we haven't been given the go-ahead to take any
action," one official whines, "We must wait until we receive written instructions!" Dakota, tired of all the bureaucratic nonsense, turns to the camera, removes the cigar
from his mouth, flicks it on the Paper Monster, and as it catches fire he coolly responds, "I've always hated paper work."
The Paper Monster burns to ashes, Tuff Dakota walks off as the screen fades to black, and there's your movie.
Let's be honest - 99% of you are not going to watch a stupid movie called Rock Monster. However, each and every one of you would watch a movie featuring Chuck Norris,
and a combination of Rock, Paper, and Scissors monsters.
Hey, Sci Fi Channel! I think the solution is clear - pay me a six-figure salary to write your scripts and give you some semblance of B-movie credibility.
Coming tomorrow ... my review of Drillbit Taylor.
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March 19, 2008
MOVIE REVIEW: The Bank Job
"Thankfully, the film moves beyond all this filler and gets to the nitty gritty of the heist. And let me tell you, it's more gritty than it is nitty. The Italian Job
this is not. Via films such as Ocean's 11 and the one I just mentioned, Hollywood has followed a recent trend of depicting bank robberies as adorable and comedic.
The thieves look like Mark Wahlberg and Brad Pitt and exude charm and wit. Well, a couple of thieves in The Bank Job look more
like hobbits and exude nothing but blood and high-pitched squeals after they're caught and tortured. Much like Hillary Clinton in a pantsuit, it's not pretty."
Click here to read Johnny's hilariously poignant review of The Bank Job, starring
Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows, and a bunch of other people you've never heard of.
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March 18, 2008
Drillbit Taylor and the Birth of Johnny Betts
Tonight, the universe blesses Memphis, TN and a couple hundred of its inhabitants with a screening of Owen Wilson's new comedy. Is this a movie that possesses the ability
to change the course of human history? Movies reach a worldwide audience, and they have proven to unite people of different races and creeds. If you've ever exchanged
quotes with a diehard Dumb and Dumber fan then you know what I mean. So does Drillbit Taylor have the power, within its celluloid reels, to infiltrate the
hearts and minds of all mankind, uniting us in ways heretofore unknown?
Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. But hey, I watched the trailer and it looks to be worth a few laughs. Anyway, The Movie Mark is proud to announce that it has scored
an exclusive interview with the movie itself. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Drillbit Taylor...
JB: Hey Drillbit, thanks for joining us today. Should I call you Drillbit, or Mr. Taylor?
DT: Um, Drillbit is fine, I guess.
JB: Thanks. So tell us, what exactly are you all about? Who is Drillbit Taylor?
DT: Well, basically my plot concerns three high school freshmen who are being bullied on their first day. They decide to put out an ad looking
for someone to protect them. They choose a so-called soldier-of-fortune played by Owen Wilson. He's the titular character.
JB: I hate to interrupt, but could you watch your language, please? This is a family website.
DT: Um, "titular" simply means "bearing a title."
JB: Ah yes, of course. My apologies. Please, continue.
DT: OK, so yeah, Wilson poses as a teacher at their school and teaches them how to fight back. They soon find out that he's not exactly the
skilled fighter he claimed to be.
JB: Interesting. So you're promoting deception? Even worse, would you say you're promoting the deception of our nation's youth?
DT: No, I'm just a stupid movie. Perhaps Drillbit learns a valuable lesson about love and honesty. You'll have to watch and find out.
JB: So would you say you're a funny movie? After all, you're billed as a comedy.
DT: I guess. What else am I going to say? That I'm a complete waste of time and I fail to elicit even a single, solitary laugh?
JB: Well, if that were the case then I'd expect you to be honest about it.
DT: Yeah right. I'm part of the Hollywood establishment. There is no honesty to spare within our walls.
JB: Good point. Well, thanks for joining us, Drillbit Taylor. I know these weren't exactly softball questions I lobbed at you, so I
appreciate you being such a good sport about it. I'll screen you tonight and then let my readers know just how good or bad you are.
DT: Thanks.
Drillbit Taylor, folks. I hope that you had... um, yes, you with your hand raised. Do you have a question?
"Yes, I do. I was just wondering, is it possible that you could be a bigger dork?"
No, no I do not believe that would be possible. Anyway, the whole subject of school bullies has ushered in an era of reminiscence to my day. Let me take you back ... back to
first grade. Back to a time of youthful innocence and unfurrowed brows. Let me take you all the way back to...
The Birth of Johnny Betts
In case you're computer illiterate, you were expected to click on the link above. What do you mean make it easier for you? Sigh. Fine. Click
HERE.
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March 17, 2008
Hollywood Video Is Closing
I'm specifically talking about the Hollywood Video in Memphis that is across from the Wolfchase Mall. I understand this bit of information doesn't really help any of you
who live outside of Memphis. But hey, feel free to pay us a visit within the next week because the store's official last day is this coming Sunday. At least that's what
I was told.
I paid 'em a visit yesterday but didn't feel the urge to buy any of their $2.99 DVDs. I would've gladly bought the DVDs of Lost except they only had random discs.
For example, they'd have discs 2 and 3 for Season 1 or discs 2, 3, and 5 for Season 2. What's up with that jive? Who goes into Hollywood Video and ONLY buys discs 1 and 4
of the second season of Lost? I don't get it.
I figure I'll go back at the end of this week and see if all the DVDs have been marked down to $1. At that point I might be willing to take a risk on such cinema
crapité as Hillside Cannibals and/or Stephen Baldwin's Spider's Web. I did rack up on some snacks though! Ten packets of popcorn and four bags of
Sour Punch candies for $1 each. Not bad. Though I must warn you that eating exorbitant amounts of Rotel dip and strawberry sour punch straws is not exactly something I'd
recommend.
I could actually feel the straws sticking to my intestines. Let me tell you, around 1:00 AM I was feeling a dire need to drink a glass of Draino. Like the accusations
Kramer levied against Kenny Rogers' chicken, that stuff will mess you up!
That's all I've got for today. I'll try to do better tomorrow. I might fail horribly, but at least I'll try.
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March 14, 2008
Johnny Leaves Jump Drive at Home
Welp, in my rush to get to work this morning, I ran off and left my jump drive at home. "Why is that significant, Johnny?" you may be inclined to ask. "Because it had
my review of The Bank Job stored on it," is the answer I'd be most inclined to deliver. So I'm afraid you'll have to wait until next week for that review. It's an
entertaining movie, but I recommend that you don't walk into the theater expecting a light-hearted heist movie in the vein of Ocean's 11. It's a lot darker than that,
and it is most definitely NOT for kids.
If you're trying to figure out how you should really spend your weekend then rent or buy Josh Brolin's No Country for Old Men.
It was released on DVD and Blu-Ray this Tuesday. Shame on you if you don't finally know why I've been dropping Brolin's name for the past 10 years. This is your chance.
Have a great weekend, and GO TIGERS! I'll get Stephanie to snap it up and we'll have that Enchanted review ready to roll sometime next week.
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March 13, 2008
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Blonde and Blonder
"Have you ever wondered what would happen if somebody attempted to make a female version of Dumb and Dumber but botched it worse than Joan Rivers' latest facelift? Welp, wonder
no more! Blonde and Blonder answers that question, and let me tell you, the revelation ain't pretty. Unless you enjoy staring at a
screen for 90 minutes without a smile ever even threatening to crack. That doesn't fall under 'good times' in the Johnny Betts dictionary, but apparently there are about three people out
there who actually find Jim Breuer funny, so who knows, perhaps this has an incredibly limited audience. No, Jim Breuer isn't in this movie, but only people who like that pothead could
possibly sit through this celluloid abomination."
Click here to read Johnny's hilariously poignant review of Blonde and Blonder, starring
Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards.
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March 12, 2008
Side Hug Sam's First Official Press Release as Johnny Betts' New Spokesman
To fulfill my duties as spokesman for Johnny Betts:
"This week Johnny is looking forward to crackin' skulls as the church basketball league starts up. He is also excited to announce his eyes have healed after poking them
repeatedly with dull scissors during the screening of Blonde and Blonder. I have no comment on what may or may not have happened during his parole hearing..."
As for Blonde and Blonder, the long-awaited review will be delivered tomorrow.
The Movie Mark Makes Its *wait for it* Mark...
I'll be honest with you; I thought being quoted on the cover of Chinese bootlegged DVDs would be the defining moment of my Movie Mark
career. Well, other than helping catapult the inimitable Josh Brolin to the top of Hollywood, of course. But who can deny the power of being recognized for deft usage of the word
"roundheadedness"?
Now, I'm sure many of you do a Google search of your name every now and then to see if anybody's talking about you on the
web somewhere. If you deny it then you're a liar, so just admit it and move on. I must admit that I Google "The Movie Mark" every once and awhile just to see if there are any other
people out there dropping little gems like calling me "abnoxious" and wanting to "punce" me in the face. That's free comedy, folks.
Well, I came across some website called plentywords.com, and I guess they specialize in affirming that weird or awkward words really exist. I'm not really sure what the site's
exact purpose is. I didn't browse it, nor will I ever go to it again. However, I did see they mentioned how "roundheadedness" is indeed a real word and then they referenced
some websites that used it. I'm not sure why my site was chosen, but one of their links was to my Blood Diamond review in which
I mentioned Leonardo DiCaprio's roundheadness.
That's just hilarious. At this time I would like to create a new word, and my long-term goal is for it to be quoted elsewhere on the Internet. That word? Roundfacedness. May it
be used whenever a discussion regarding Julia Styles ensues.
Thank you.
"Wow, that's great Johnny. Any chance you might try reviewing a movie again one of these days? You know, instead of bragging how you've been recognized for using the word
'roundheadedness'? I mean, seriously? That's a feather you're sticking in your cap?"
Pearls before swine. Fine, you want reviews? I already told you that you're getting Blonde and Blonder tomorrow, and it's gonna be stinkin' delightful! And you know what?
Maybe I'll even give you the review of The Bank Job as well! Remember what God did when the Israelites complained that they had no meat to eat? Remember when they whined
about being forced to eat manna every day??? Well, get ready for reviews of Biblical proportions! That's right; I'm gonna give you so many reviews that they'll be coming out of
your nostrils!
"No you won't."
OK, you're right, but just stay tuned until tomorrow.
"Fine. Whatever. It's your site, I'm just looking at it to waste a few minutes at work."
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March 11, 2008
Quit Harassing Pam from The Office!
Is there a more deluded species than Online Warriors? You know who I'm talking about. Keyboard heroes who have the courage to do and say anything as long as they're sitting
comfortably behind their keyboard. In their mother's basement, of course. Well, apparently they won't stop harassing Jenna Fischer, the cute-as-a-button actress who is best
known as Pam from The Office.
Jenna, you see, split from her husband in November. Naturally, all of her male fans now think she is desperate enough to date them. In what can only be described as a major
drawback of a celebrity having a MySpace page, her fanboys have been using it as a venue to make advances toward her. Pam isn't impressed. I can only imagine how many Office
puns are abused on a daily basis.
Fortunately, she doesn't have any stalkers yet, but she does reveal that she has "received uncomfortable letters in which I'm asked out on dates - but for real, not joking.
The writers have obviously read about me and made up a list of reasons they think we would make a good couple - like we're both from small towns, or they also love animals.
I just don't get it. Do people really go out on dates when they get a letter?"
No, they typically don't. I learned this lesson years ago when I allowed myself to become too flattered by a fan letter in which the writer tried to win me over by professing
her mutual admiration for Josh Brolin. Let's just say that the dinner date with Olga from Germany didn't go smoothly. I just wish she had informed me that another attribute we
had in common was facial hair.
But back to the main topic - guys, leave Jenna alone. She's not going to go out with you because you look at her MySpace page and "know how to treat a woman."
The Movie Mark's Laslo Hollyfeld was unavailable for comment.
Kathy Griffin: In Case You Were Wondering...
How many people ever ponder on all things Kathy Griffin? Me neither. I consider her to be one of the unfunniest, most obnoxious comediennes known to mankind. Other than
that, my mind is too occupied to give her any thought.
But, on the off-chance that any of you have ever wondered, "Would Kathy Griffin do ANYTHING for money?" then allow me to answer that question with a resounding "yes."
According to IMDb, Griffin recently flew from LA to NY to officiate the marriage between her only two fans. Most "celebrities" probably have too much on their schedule to fly
cross-country just to officiate a wedding between two people they've never heard of, but Griffin explains, "The request came in, and how could I say no?"
What Griffin forgot to add was, "Once the check cleared, how could I say no? It's not like there's any other demand for me."
Elka Shapiro, the bride-with-bad-comedic-taste, said, "Neither of us is affiliated with any particular religion, and the major factor in our relationship is the laughter. Kathy
was fantastic and had us all in hysterics during the ceremony. We are so lucky that she agreed to marry us because it's so unusual and something we'll always remember."
Yeah. Until the buzz wears off and you're left wondering, "What on earth have we done?"
Courtney Love Denies Bipolar Claims
Facing reports that she is bipolar, washed up, wannabe rock star Courtney Love insists the claims are completely false. "I haven't been to
either the North OR South Pole! So I'm not even Polar! Let alone bipolar," Love may or may not have drunkenly mumbled. She then may or may not have stumbled a few steps
before falling face first into her coffee table.
No comment has been attributed to Love regarding claims of her "drunken skankiness."
Major Bomb Dropped on U.S. Troops Stationed in Kuwait
Folks, there's never been a more important time to support our troops abroad. Those in Kuwait especially need a morale boost after being subjected to Jessica Simpson's upcoming
film Major Movie Star. The movie, which will be a surefire bomb at the box office and with fans and critics alike, follows the adventures of a spoiled brat (Simpson)
who "witlessly" enlists in the Army.
According to IMDb, once Simpson found out she was going to Kuwait she "wanted the soldiers to be the very first to screen Major Movie Star." Troops were said to be
none-too-grateful. Haven't those poor guys suffered enough?
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March 10, 2008
Johnny Returns
I have returned from vacation! No autographs, please. I hope y'all weren't too upset that I didn't post more than two journal entries last week. I know the two I posted reached a maximum
altitude of hilarity, causing all you fine fans to crave more, but alas, I was on vacation. You know? I couldn't really bring myself to spend my last day writing a review
of The Bank Job. If you can't understand that then you, my non-friend, have no soul.
After getting home at around 2:45 AM on Saturday morning, I decided not to go to the Horton Hears a Who screening at 10:00 AM. Therefore, I won't be reviewing
any of this week's releases. However, I will attempt to review the following films:
The Bank Job
The Darjeeling Limited
Blonde and Blonder
Enchanted
Many of you ladies are most likely happy to see the last one listed. Y'all have been begging me to see it for months now, and it happened to be the in-flight movie on my
return trip. And it actually was fairly entertaining! It's not the type of movie that'd convince me to maximize my home theater system in anticipation of the DVD, but it's
cute and great for couples or the whole family. Steph and I will be doing a dual review.
So to all those who have been asking me to watch it - you're welcome. And yes, I realize I still need to watch Stardust. Wait, that's what it was called, right? Let
me check... yes, that is correct.
As per usual.
Birthday News
Sharon Stone turns 50 today. Her plastic surgery turns 15.
Most Pointless Job in Hollywood - Spokesman
Well, Matt Damon and his wife are expecting their second child. In addition to the fact that I couldn't really care any less than I did before I was aware of Matt Damon's existence,
I can't understand why this qualifies as "newsworthy." And how does their spokesman deliver such "grandiose" news? She tells People.com, "They couldn't be happier. They're so
excited!"
You don't say? Somebody actually gets paid to tell a news outlet that a celebrity is happy and excited about having a baby? Wow. If I had a spokesman (I'm officially naming Side Hug
Sam my spokesman) then I'd have him issue all sorts of weird and unexpected statements. For example, if I were having a baby then I'd have him issue a statement such as, "To be honest,
Johnny's a little bummed out. All he can think about is another human being placing at LEAST 18 years of dependence on his shoulders. He hopes he'll eventually warm to the idea."
And, if Affleck had married someone less famous than Jennifer Garner, how hilarious would it have been to see the following statement:
"Hollywood actor Ben Affleck is set to become a father for the first time. The Gigli box office poison and his wife really aren't anticipating the new addition to the family.
Affleck's spokesman tells People.com, 'Ben still has Gigli and Surviving Christmas on his resume. You think the douchebag can afford a child? He could barely afford
to take his wife to Wendy's for Valentine's Day.'"
I'd last about a day as a Hollywood spokesman ... but I'd entertain the world.
George Clooney Almost Gets Beaten Up by Fabio, Supports Making Fun of People with Alzheimer's
This is very random, but the story goes that George Clooney and Fabio had a recent altercation at a Los Angeles restaurant. Apparently, Clooney called Fabio's dining companion
"a fat cow." I have no idea why he did this or what instigated it, but apparently it caused the two to exchange heated words. Fabio later said he would have totally beaten
the you-know-what out of Clooney, and he's right. Fabio's huge. Clooney isn't. Clooney even admitted to Esquire Magazine that the fight would not have ended with a positive resolution,
"He's a big guy. There is a moment when you are actually in the argument and you're thinking, 'If I do get beaten down by Fabio, that will be far worse than the pain. I wouldn't
shake that.'"
I'll give Clooney credit - that's a funny comment. But I kind of wish Fabio had instituted a beat down. Clooney's one of those guys who walks around with what I like to call
a permanent "notch down" smirk. It's a look that instantly lets you know a guy is just begging to be brought down a notch or two. I lost any ounce of respect I might have ever
had for the guy when he mocked Charlton Heston's battle with Alzheimer's. Yeah, George, debilitating diseases are hilarious! Do you know any little old women with dementia that you
could mud stomp? Sure, this was a couple of years ago, but I think it's important to constantly remind people what a tool this guy really is.
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March 6, 2008
Wyoming Journal Entry #2: Johnny's Adventures in Skiing
MONDAY, MARCH 3...
I'll be honest with you - I haven't exactly had time to keep up with the movie world this week. Can you blame me? If you were surrounded by snow-capped mountains and
beautiful scenery would you be keepin' up with Tom "Short Legs" Cruise's latest shenanigans? Didn't think so. So I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I will present to you,
via picture form, the story of my very first attempt at skiing.
It's almost like my own short film. Except instead of using video I'll be using still images. I don't want to hear any complaints. I could be sleeping right now, but
nope, I'm taking time out of my vacation to entertain all you fine folks. "Entertain" being quite the subjective word, of course.
Now as you'll see, everything started off on a good note. I was wearing about 22 layers of clothing, I had my rented ski equipment, and I was rarin' to go! My dorky
thumbs up gave testament to that fact:
Recognizing a studly skiin' machine when she sees one, Stephanie couldn't resist giving me a big hug. Hmm, although, she's clutching my arm pretty tight. Almost as if to
say, "This could be our last hug." Plus, she was to serve as my skiing instructor. Did she know something I did not?
Hey mountain, I'm coming after YOU! Bring it on...
Welp, that didn't take long. The mountain obviously wasn't scared of me. Skiing is a little harder than I thought it'd be. When I saw a flock of 5 year olds breezing
down the slopes I thought it'd be a piece of cake. Let me tell you, there's few things in life more embarrassing than lying flat on your back in the snow as a bunch of
kindergartners effortlessly glide past you, laughing at you and taunting you as they go. BRATS! I have no idea how my glove managed to fly off:
I really wasn't having much fun at this point. I believe some comments that could be attributed to me included, "I promise you I'm gonna break a leg," "You know, maybe
skiing just isn't my thing," and "I can't say this is a whole lot of fun." But I was determined to push forward. I would not be defeated!
Or maybe I would. One of the first moves I perfected was falling down. And by "falling down" I mean "going uncontrollably fast, freaking out because it looked like I was
gonna either run into a tree or fall off the side of the mountain, and just hurling myself to the ground without any semblance of control or knowledge of what in the world
I was doing." Yep, that was some major fun. You want a real adrenaline boost? Try going down a mountain backwards and then forcing yourself to fall down. If you're lucky
like me then you'll land flat on your face, and you'll claim to have a concussion.
This particular fall resulted in both my skis popping off and me just wanting to go home.
But wait! Who is this absolute stud flawlessly skiing down the mountain?!?! Looks like somebody learned how to ski!
I even thought I'd be cool and do a little "professional" posing. If you'll look closely then you'll see that I've shish-kabobbed a kid with my ski pole. That'll
teach the little brat to zoom past me when I fall.
And the teacher and student celebrate my survival!
Tomorrow I'll be doing a little modeling. That's right; I've been selected to model a hot tub and a horse-drawn sleigh. Once I receive copies of the pictures then you
better believe I'll post them. It's beautiful country out here, and I really can't say I'm missing the movies yet. Give me a couple of more nights of below freezing temps
and I'll probably be humming a different tune.
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March 4, 2008
Wyoming Journal Entry #1
SUNDAY, MARCH 2...
- The flight to Atlanta was uneventful. Except for the fact that I saved my peanuts. You know what that means, don't you? Double the lunch on the flight to Wyoming! Allow
me to introduce you to my friend Mr. Pot. Jack Pot.
- Oh wait, I did manage to complete a crossword. In pen.
- The flight to WY is shaping up to be a little more exciting. Unfortunately, the dude sitting in front of me appears to be a bit gassy. Just great. Irritable bowel syndrome,
perhaps?
- Anyway, the snack tray lady just sauntered by, and I acquired some cheese and crackers. The expiration date appears to be smudged. Probably because these have been under a
cabinet since '98. Oh well, you combine these with my peanuts from the first flight, Steph's unwanted peanuts, and the Biscotti that her brother inexplicably didn't want, and I've
got a gourmet meal in the works. Take THAT, First Class. I need something to wash all of this down with though.
- Ah, finally, the drink cart is in the hizzouse! Oh shoot. They're calling for a doctor, paramedic, firefighter, etc. This doesn't look good ... for my thirst to be
quenched anytime soon.
- Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me! I was just informed that the services of an Internet icon/movie reviewer extraordinaire would not be needed. Last time I offer to help.
They also didn't seem too amused by my question, "Does a doctor of love count?" Do these people lack a collective sense of humor?
- It seems a woman a couple of rows behind me passed out. That tends to happen when females realize Johnny Betts is at such a close proximity. The bad thing is this happened
JUST when the drink cart was beside me. Some people have all the luck, huh?
- My "um, can I get my drink now?" joke goes over like a lead blimp.
- Man, the dude in front of me is at it again. Come on now. Seriously? Invest in some Beano.
- Welp, the woman's alive and we can all get our drinks now. Oh cool, I get a Dixie cup size of coke. A $325 flight and they can't afford to give me A FULL CAN?!?!?!?!
Sigh.
- Huh. I have just been informed that I'm gonna share some of my food with Steph. There goes my deluxe meal.
- The Delta Airlines version of Biscotti is called Biscoff. Is that Biscotti with a cough? I'm sorry. That is officially the worst joke in Movie Mark history.
- A'ight. Time to eat and work on another crossword. In pen.
- Man, legend has it that boxer briefs combine all the support of briefs with the comfort of boxers. Sadly, I am experiencing NO comfort in the groin region on this flight.
I'm dancing the Pants Repositioning Shuffle every five minutes. I guess I need to stop wearing skin tight leather pants on 3+ hour flights.
- The in-flight movie - Becoming Jane. The Johnny Betts reaction - Becoming Bored.
- I just finished the crossword ... in PEN! In y'all's faces! Sorry. That was uncalled for. Uh-oh, we're experiencing a wee bit of turbulence. Steph's grabbing onto
my bicep for dear life. Man, some girls will come up with any excuse. Hope she doesn't hurt her hand.
- I can now see the tops of the clouds, and they are awesome. It looks like a snowy mountain top. I think I'll take a nap.
- Welp, just woke up from a nice, long nap, and it appears Stephanie took a nap as well because she left a long line of drool on my shirt sleeve.
- We're beginning our descent. "Be on the lookout for the Tetons," Steph tells me. "What's Dolly Parton doing in Wyoming?" I ask. "Not funny," the passengers
reply in unison.
- The pilot gives us the details and announces the current temperature in Jackson Hole: "It's -3 degrees ... Celsius. 27 degrees Fahrenheit." I punched him in the
face as we exited.
- Oh yeah, it felt like something touched my back as the plane was descending. It creeped me out a little bit, and I was thinking, "Whoa, could that be a snake? ON A
PLANE?!?!?!" In light of what I recently revealed as one of the worst theatrically-released movie titles of all time (see my Feb 29 entry), I have come up with an idea
for a new Movie Mark Original - Snakes on a Midnight Meat Plane. It's gonna rock.
- I'm officially in Wyoming, and the snowy mountains are beautiful. Steph's sister took us to rent ski gear, but it was too late to hit the slopes, so that's being
saved for Tuesday. However, we did stop by a restaurant where some bluegrass band was playing. In honor of Steph, a mandolin will forever be known as a "mangolo" now.
- Even though we didn't have time to go skiing, we figured we might as well make the most out of the fact that we had seven layers of clothes on. So we went tubing! It
was quite fun, and as I'll relate to you soon - not nearly as frightening as skiing.
My Internet access is limited, but I will be posting updates the best I can. I went skiing yesterday so look for that update soon, if not tomorrow. We'll call it
Johnny's adventures in skiing. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find Internet access so that I can upload this and catch up on what's going on in the world...
  
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