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BREAKING NEWS - MAY 2005May 31, 2005New on DVD This Week: Boogeyman
"When Watson is forced to return home due to a family emergency, he decides to spend the night at his old home, now abandoned, in an attempt to conquer his fears. What proceeds is a movie that's light on story but heavy on fog, heavy on slow walking, and heavy on a creaking house. Seriously, after a while I started to think I was watching the movie in the hull of a ship."Special Features:
Coming This WeekUnfortunately, softball will prevent me from catching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but Stephanie will be seeing it tonight and will have a review of it. She is ready to meet Amber Tamblyn's challenge to not cry during the movie. My question is will moviemakers be wise enough to join this cast with Sandra Bullock and Ashley Judd and create the chick flick juggernaut that would be The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? How awesome would that be? If I have time, I'll go ahead and review High Tension. Let me just tell you that it has one of the absolute worst twist endings I've ever seen. My 10-year-old brother's intelligence would've been insulted by that crap. May 27, 2005Review: The Longest Yard
"My enjoyment also waned a little whenever the movie dipped into 'least common denominator' humor territory. I suppose some people will laugh uproariously at the prisoners who are dressed as women and posing as cheerleaders. These people are whom I like to refer to as 'the easily entertained.' But I guess I'm just one of those guys who doesn't really enjoy looking at men in skimpy outfits grinding against each other. If the thought of a scantily clad, transvestite Tracy Morgan makes you as sick as it does me, then keep your trusty yellow bucket handy."Johnny Betts reviews Adam Sandler's latest - The Longest Yard.May 26, 2005Review: Madagascar
"Overall, Madagascar was a fun movie, though not nearly on par with Toy Story or A Bug's Life. However, the young kids at the theater were really into it, laughing a whole lot. Even Toddler Shade, Autumn, nodded yes when I asked if she liked the movie. What a well-behaved child she was. Looks like my influence is definitely rubbing off on her. Her parents' influence was also evident as she kept pointing at Marty the Zebra and saying, 'Horsey!'"A big thanks to STEPHANIE for attending the screening of Madagascar and doing the review for me. I couldn't make it since I was busy leading my softball team to a 12-10 victory. I think this is indeed Stephanie's longest review ever. Check it out.More of AFI's 100 Funniest American Movies of All Time
96. Sons of the Desert (1933) - Yet another movie I have not
seen. Then again, I haven't seen too many movies that my grandparents are even too young to remember. This is a Laurel
and Hardy movie, so I completely understand that at the time this was probably considered very innovative. But keep in
mind there was a time when man was impressed with the invention of the wheel. Would I be willing to sit through this?
I suppose, but I have no expectations of this keeping my sides in constant pain. I trust that my dad, who fully believes
that Ray Stevens sits atop the comedy pantheon, would appreciate it more.I do still enjoy The Three Stooges though, so I'm not completely biased against old comedy. 
95. Silver Streak (1976) - Am I the only one who thinks
Richard Pryor is overrated? Am I the only one surprised to find out that he and Gene Wilder are both still alive? I
thought for sure I'd seen recently that Pryor died. Oh well, I suppose it was their careers I was thinking of.
Anyway, Gene Wilder actually was funny in Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, but unless somebody
can give me an extremely compelling reason to watch Silver Streak, then I think I'll pass.Coming Tomorrow...May 25, 2005More of AFI's 100 Funniest American Movies of All Time
98. The Court Jester (1956) - I have to admit that I've
never seen this movie, but a lot of that probably has to do with the fact that I'm not 70 years old. Plus, the idea of
men running around in tights in a musical from the 50s doesn't really produce images in my mind that would cause
hysterical fits of laughter. Plus, the cover art looks like something you'd expect from Chris Kattan. Plus, the
tagline is shockingly unfunny: "Singing! Dancing! Jousting!" Plus...Tell you what, this isn't shaping up to be an addition to my "must rent" list. Some of you may have grandparents who saw it as children though, so feel free to convince me otherwise if they've told you fond stories of watching this Basil Rathbone/Angela Lansbury collaboration. 
97. Bull Durham (1988) - Hmm, can Bull Durham
really be classified as a comedy? It's more of a drama with comedic elements. I thought Tombstone was
funnier than Bull Durham, but you sure don't see me labeling Tombstone as one of the best comedies
of all time.Sure, Durham is an entertaining movie, but on principal alone I have a problem with a movie that portrays Susan Sarandon as a sexy temptress and shows Tim Robbins in his man panties. The pace slows down a bit at times, and the focus shifts to the relationships too much for me to classify this as pure comedic bliss. Still, it's low on the AFI list, so I'll let it slide. May 24, 2005AFI's 100 Funniest American Movies of All TimeAnyway, these lists are obviously very subjective and opinion-based. The beauty of that is I've got my own opinion to share. I know I'm dating myself here, but I haven't even heard of most of the movies on their Top 100 Funniest list. And several of the ones on the list would probably make *my* Top 100 UNFUNNIEST list. So you know what I'm gonna do? Analyze their selections. Even if I haven't seen the movie I'll at least look up some info on it and determine why or why not I'll ever see it. This is basically my way to make fun of a bunch of stuff. This is a long list, and it'll take some time to get through them all, so let's take this a little at a time. Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Betts analyzes AFI's 100 Funniest American Movies of All Time (as of June 14, 2000)... 
100. Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) - If you asked me to reel off
a list of things that are NOT funny, then Vietnam and Robin Williams would certainly be on that list. So somebody
actually felt the combo of the two would make for a good comedy? The movie can be summed up very easily: Robin Williams
is a DJ in Vietnam who tells unfunny jokes. Here's a prime example of Williams' unfunniness:"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause of the leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P." Hardy har har. Hold on, my sides are still aching! It's too bad Mr. Williams' career wasn't D.O.A. then we wouldn't have had to put up with over 30 years of this unfunny P.O.C. The DVD cover includes a quote by Time magazine referring to it as, "...The best military comedy since M*A*S*H*..." Yeah, that's an accomplishment. Because we all know military comedies are just floodin' the market. I tried sitting through this once, and I'll never make the mistake again. Real Tagline: The wrong man. In the wrong place. At the right time. Suggested Tagline: The wrong comedian. In the wrong movie. Every time. 
99. The Nutty Professor (1963) If you asked me to reel off
a list of things that are NOT funny, then Jerry Lewis would certainly be on that list. I remember trying to watch this
when I was about 10 and I almost vomited because of how unfunny it was. I absolutely loathed Jerry Lewis and his
grating voice when I was a kid, and I have no doubt he's only become even less funny over time. Just look at the movie
cover! Does that look funny?Wanna know what happens in this movie? Jerry Lewis throws in some over-the-top acting, talks in an annoying voice, and tries his hand at slapstick - all in an unfunny fashion. You're welcome for saving you 100 minutes of your life. And I'm not sure what movie this is from, but if I ever hear anybody do their imitation of Jerry Lewis saying "Hey, Laaaaaady" again then I might just have to punch them straight up in the brain. I can't take it any more. But hey, the French love this guy. I guess that says it all, huh? Real Tagline: What does he become? What kind of monster? Suggested Tagline: How unfunny does he become? What kind of annoying monster? More to come... Odds and Ends: Revenge of the SithAlso, you may have recognized Commander Cody (portrayed by Temuera Morrison). He played Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones. This makes sense if you remember that Jango Fett was the model for the clones. May 23, 2005Revenge of the Sith Kind of Breaks a Few Box Office RecordsMore Star Wars Humor: Grocery Store WarsMay 20, 2005Friday's Johnny Betts Star Wars Fact of the DayWhen it first hit I thought I might be OK. And I was. I weathered the storm for about at least an hour. But then all of a sudden the following thought crossed my mind: "Uh oh." I was already wrapped up in the action, and I did NOT want to leave for a bathroom break. So what did I do? Oh, just suffered bladder pain for about 45 minutes to an hour. It was so bad that after the movie I had to walk, not run, to the bathroom. Running would've resulted in too much jostling which would've put me in imminent danger of a very embarrassing situation. Stephanie made fun of, pointing out, "You've seen the movie about 20 times! I don't think you would've missed anything!" Ah, women. You gals still haven't figured out how the male mind works. This was about more than a mere movie. It was a test of strength. A test of willpower. A test of manhood. And it was a test I passed with flying colors. If I had actually given into my weakness and gone to the bathroom then I really wouldn't have a story to tell, now would I? Revenge of the Sith Sets Opening Day Box Office RecordGo ahead and read my Revenge of the Sith review right now if you have yet to do so. Please? Review: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
"Star Wars has always been about anticipation. When Han Solo was lowered into the carbonite, my little 5-year-old
mind anticipated returning to the theater the very next week to see how he'd be saved. Episodic television being
my only reference point, I didn't realize I'd have to wait three years before seeing how everything would be
resolved. So for Star Wars fans, waiting for Revenge of the Sith
has been a 28 year lesson in anticipation.
Watch Johnny Betts as he turns into an absolute fanboy and gives Revenge of
the Sith a full 5 marks.May 18, 2005The Star Wars ScreeningWednesday's Johnny Betts Star Wars Fact of the DayI wanted to be Boba Fett, but noooooo. That costume was too expensive. So I went door-to-door in my plastic Vader outfit, watching all the other kids have fun with their official lightsabers. Unfortunately for me, a lightsaber had to be purchased separately, and that just didn't fit into my mom's plans. The solution? I had to use a black wiffle ball bat as a substitute. Oh, and the white tennis shoes that complimented my Vader suit didn't exactly increase my intimidation factor. They weren't just any white tennis shoes either; they were Athletixx. Quite an odd shoe of choice for the Dark Side. Overall, it wasn't exactly the impressive display I had dreamed it would be. Wednesday's Revenge of the Sith Fact of the DayThankfully, the Wookiees finally get some battle time in Revenge of the Sith. The Poor Star Wars KidMay 17, 2005Tuesday's Johnny Betts Star Wars Fact of the Day
I had almost every single original Star Wars action figure. I still have them, actually. One of the fun things about
Star Wars action figures is that Lucas made figures for EVERY character no matter how little screen time he or she had.
So characters like Hammerhead and Walrus Man were easily dispensable when I'd stage a Galactic battle in the privacy of
my bed room. I had great fun when I'd have Luke Skywalker taunt the Gamorrean Guard by calling him a "Gonorrhean
Guard." I'd then make Luke Skywalker and Han Solo give each other a plastic-handed high five. The guard would get
angry, charge Skywalker, and then Luke would strike him with his lightsaber, sending the guard off the edge of my bed
to his death.Unfortunately, my mom didn't see the humor in the name "Gonorrhean Guard." When describing the scene to her, the cold-hearted response I got was, "Where did you hear that word???" When I answered, "Andy Walker," she said she'd have to talk to his mom, threatened a spanking if she heard me use such language again, and went back to doing the dishes. I quickly learned that it really didn't benefit me to explain my Star Wars battle scenes to her. At the time, I didn't understand her disinterest, but I suppose 20+ years later it makes a little more sense. 
But one of the rarest and most sought after action figures is Blue Snaggletooth. And I had him! As far as the Star
Wars universe goes, Snaggletooth is one of the most pointless characters. He's basically a midget in a Halloween
costume who serves as a patron at the Mos Eisley Cantina. But hey, that didn't stop me from owning the action figure.
For some reason, a blue version (the more available version was the red Snaggletooth) of Snaggletooth was included
in a cheesy Sears Mos Eisley Cantina set. This set included a cardboard background of Mos Eisley that had no chance
of surviving the rigors a child would soon put it through during a bedroom gun battle between Han Solo and Greedo.
In fact, the cardboard would pretty much bend in half when getting it out of the box.I can't remember if I had the set or if a friend traded it to me, but at one point I did have the blue Snaggletooth. Unfortunately, the last time I did an inventory of my action figures, I couldn't find him. I still have red Snaggletooth, but ol' Blue has been misplaced. I guess I'll have to pull out my He-Man box and see if he got thrown in there. Count me as part of the generation who feels a sense of security because we own Star Wars action figures that can be sold on Ebay should a dire need for money arise. Tuesday's Revenge of the Sith Fact of the DayThe Case for the Empire
"In all of the time we spend observing the Rebel Alliance, we never hear of their governing strategy or their plans
for a post-Imperial universe. All we see are plots and fighting. Their victory over the Empire doesn't liberate the
galaxy--it turns the galaxy into Somalia writ large: dominated by local warlords who are answerable to no one.
This is an old article (May 16, 2002) that was written at the release of Attack of the Clones, but it makes for
an interesting read. After all, if you had your choice would you rather be Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker? Jonathan V.
Last makes his Case
for the Empire.May 16, 2005It's Star Wars Week!Monday's Johnny Betts Star Wars Fact of the DayMonday's Revenge of the Sith Fact of the DayTriumph Vs. Star Wars FansMay 13, 2005Review: Monster-in-Law
"The main one to thank for the humor was Wanda Sykes. Bringing her usual brand of sarcastic and brutally honest comments, I'm sure many will agree she steals the show. Adam Scott as Charlie's roommate Remy also contributes to the fun in his scenes. I also enjoyed the back and forth vengeance between Charlie and Viola in their attempts to outdo each other in making the other miserable. J Lo and J Fo worked well together, as did J Fo and W Sy."This review is all Stephanie. And I do believe this is quite possibly the shortest review in Movie Mark history, though I'll need to compare it to a couple of Ms. Cali's. Steph bragged about how quickly and easily she was able to write this review, but I explained to her that writing a review is not the same as crafting it, as I do. Check out Stephanie's review of Monster-in-Law.Monster-in-Law/Cinderella ManMay 12, 2005Review: Kicking & Screaming
"You may be surprised to learn that rather than just being another overly silly Will Ferrell movie, Kicking & Screaming is actually a brilliantly poignant exposé on the foibles of the human condition. While a movie like Crash chooses to tackle the heavy issue of human relationships within a racially diverse atmosphere, Kicking & Screaming goes a different direction and touches the soul of two topics that are near and dear to my heart: sports competition and coffee addiction."Johnny reviews Kicking & Screaming, starring Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, and Mike Ditka.May 11, 2005Murder Book Fun Fact of the DayLike I was saying, I may not get Tom Cruise to sit down for an interview regarding War of the Worlds (he'd probably only mention Scientology every two minutes anyway), but what I can do is provide you with the most up-to-date info regarding Josh Brolin's upcoming TV show Murder Book. Do I have an inside source for the show? Well, no. But what I do have is the ability to purchase cool things from Ebay like the Murder Book call sheet for a mere $0.99. The best part about it is it came with 6 pages of the script! I don't want to completely reproduce everything all at once. That's no fun. So I'll periodically drop in facts, lines of dialogue, and other things of that nature. I know that probably only three of you will care, but hey, I need an identifying mark for this site, and well, right now this is all I've got. So without further adieu, I give you today's Murder Book Fun Fact of the Day... Josh Brolin's character's name is Gilroy. Thank you. Now wasn't that exciting? Well GOOD NEWS! This is only the beginning! If anybody from the Murder Book staff sees this, then I officially offer my publicity services. If you have any PR material you'd like to send me, or if you're ready to set up an interview with Josh Brolin, then email me and let's get this rolling. May 10, 2005In the "How Long Until They File For an Annulment" Category...New on DVD This Week: Assault on Precinct 13
"Professional snipers apparently can't hit the broadside of Rosie O'Donnell's monolithic buttocks from a few feet away. Oh, they hit all around their targets; they just can't hit the actual target. My favorite example is when a couple of the prisoners are outside hiding behind a snow bank. The sniper can see the prisoners behind the snow, but he responds with, 'I don't have a shot.' THEY'RE BEHIND SNOW! When, in the history of the world, has soft, fluffy snow ever stopped a bullet?"Special Features:
Also on DVD: In Good Company, The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, The Merchant of Venice, and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. May 9, 2005Dukes of Hazzard Trailer!The Dukes of Hazzard opens nationwide on August 5, 2005. This WeekAnyway, I'll use today to post some contributions from Movie Mark readers. All it takes is an email to contribute your own. New Movie Mark Dictionary TermTwo Movie Syndrome: A term used to describe a movie whose first half is drastically different from its second half. Johnny also refers to this as a "Dual Tone Movie." Check out The Movie Mark Dictionary for a full list of terms. Yo Movie is So...Yo movie so bad, people ran out of the theatre screaming - and it *wasn't* a horror film. Yo movie so bad, even the people from The Golden Raspberry Awards won't see it. Yo movies are so bad, Michael Pare won't return your phone calls. Yo movie so predictable, I walked out after the opening credits, got a coffee, made a phone call, moved my car, got another coffee, went back in and STILL guessed the ending in the final few minutes. Yo movie so boring, I counted my popcorn instead. Yo sequel so lame, I returned my copy of the original. Yo movie so bad, even the Best Boy took his name off the credits. Yo film so bad, Kodak refuses to supply you anymore. Yo movie so bad, Stephan Baldwin is on Line 1 and wants to know if he can be in the sequel. And Laslo Hollyfeld added one more... Yo movie's dialogue is so bad, it even makes George Lucas wince. You can check out the entire list here. Send me an email if you'd like to contribute your own. May 6, 2005Review: Kingdom of Heaven
"Kingdom of Heaven is at times both entertaining and boring, but it's never emotionally gripping. Bloom gives it his smooth-chested best, but he just isn't able to carry the film on his skinny little shoulders. The story is average, the battle scenes are decent, yet not very original, and none of the characters presented enough personality or charisma to make me either love or loathe them. But I suppose there's enough here to warrant a rental or a really cheap matinee."Johnny reviews Kingdom of Heaven, starring Orlando Bloom. Johnny wasn't overly impressed, but in the interest of fairness he'd like to point out that everybody else in his group enjoyed it much more than he did. Granted, he's right and they're wrong, but he still felt the need to point it out. Read the review and decide for yourself.May 5, 2005Review: Crash
"Crash is a strongly-written, strongly-acted, emotionally-gripping,
thought-provoking movie that never gets as preachy as you may fear. I could add a few more hyphenated words, but I
think you get the point. Some of the stereotypes are exaggerated for effect, but this is a movie that combines just
the right amount of humor with some very tense drama to force us to take a close look at how we view others. Is it
really fair to blame everything on racism? Sometimes we may unfairly assess a person's character based on his or her
appearance, but is that borne of prejudice or is it just a matter of being overly cautious in a world where it's hard
to trust those you don't know? Actions speak loudly, but so do our reactions.
Johnny reviews Crash, probably the best character-driven movie of the
year so far.May 4, 2005Review: House of Wax
"Something must be terribly wrong with me. I seem to have been the only one in our group to have come away liking this movie. During the show, Johnny's sister Amber wrote in my notebook, 'Compared to Amityville Horror, this = *yawn*' Mr. Shade said he'd give it a 2.5. Johnny's cousin, who tends to be quite generous with his ratings, gave it a 2.5 as well! Things are not right. Granted, things moved along a bit slowly for awhile after the quite promising opening flashback scene, but I personally never found myself too bored."Well, it seems that out of four people, Stephanie enjoyed House of Wax the most. In fact, the other three weren't impressed at all. I may be able to catch it this weekend, and if so then I'll add my opinion, but Stephanie's in charge for now so check out her review. It's short and sweet - just like her!This is the part where all my female readers go, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" and are just totally smitten with my Southern charm. Coming Today ... In Just a Bit ... I Promise!Oh, we saw Crash last night, and it's excellent. One of the year's best so far. I hope to have the review ready by tomorrow. I'll be seeing Kingdom of Heaven tonight. I hope I can keep from laughing too hard at Orlando Bloom's chest hair wig. New on DVD This Week: National Treasure
National Treasure serves as a reminder of why I used to be a big Nicolas Cage fan. A reminder of why Face/Off, Con Air, and The Rock adorn my DVD shelf. Cage is at his sarcastic and charismatic best. And Bartha does a great job as Cage's sidekick. Not only is he funny, but he also makes himself an honest and believable character by questioning Cage and some of his outlandish theories and ideas. I'm just sad there wasn't a scene where he questioned him about the whole Lisa Marie Presley fiasco."Special Features:
May 3, 2005Hate Mail!Do you have hate mail of your own you want to send me? Shoot me an email, and I'll try to find a way to make fun of it. They're Called Spoilers For a Reason - Part 2I know I've gained quite a few new readers since this past Friday, so please feel free to send me an email and share your movie horror story with me. An Icon, an Industry
You know, since there ARE a lot of new readers, then I feel it's in my best interest to introduce you to my
absolute best material. Unfortunately, that's a very short introduction, but I am kind of proud of the article
I wrote regarding Corey Feldman. So if you haven't read it yet, then it's fresh to you, and I present my
"tribute" to Corey Feldman...An Icon, an Industry It has pictures too! Enjoy. An excerpt: "I admit, it's not completely unheard of in this day and age for somebody to feel a little nostalgic and slip Stand By Me, The Goonies, or The Lost Boys into the DVD player. Upon completion of the movie, it's possible that someone may wonder, 'Hey, what's Corey Feldman up to these days?' The easy answer? Not his neck with movie offers."May 2, 2005Thanks, Rock 103!Box Office: xXx: State of the UnionGeorge Lucas Talks Indiana Jones 4Coming This WeekI will be able to see Sandra Bullock's Crash and Kingdom of Heaven this week, so don't worry, you'll hear plenty from me. Crash is getting some pretty good buzz. As for Kingdom of Heaven, I really want to like it, but any movie that expects me to buy Orlando Bloom as any sort of warrior is gonna be met with extreme skepticism. Come on, this is the guy who has been forced to wear a CHEST HAIR WIG! Sad. |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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