BREAKING NEWS - MAY 2006
May 31, 2006
What's Wrong With People? Spoilers...
I had a recent incident with someone who seemed to think I wanted a movie spoiled for me so he disregarded
all the norms of common decency and revealed a main character's death. This prompted my newest What's Wrong
With People? article - Don't Spoil the Movie!. Read it and see if you
don't agree. I'm sure all of you can relate.
Still to Come this Week
In addition to my review of The Break-Up, I want to deliver an exciting Bad Fish Movie double bill
for you with reviews of Frankenfish and Snakehead Terror. Should be exciting. I also have a
couple of more user-submitted Movie Confessions.
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May 30, 2006
All the News that's Fit to Make Fun Of
- On DVD This Week - First and foremost I have to warn you that
Date Movie is being released on DVD this week. Stay as far away
from this as you possibly can. In fact, if you're at the video store this week then don't even go to the "D"
section. It's best you not flirt with such a temptation. I have yet to meet one person who enjoyed this toilet
floater. If anybody tells you they liked it then you should automatically assume they worked on the film or know
somebody who did.
Samuel L. Jackson's most recent bomb, Freedomland, is also
released today. I suppose if you don't mind a little unsatisfying entertainment then there's worse you can
watch, but I have no desire to see it and Julianne Moore's Overacting 101 class ever again.
- Speaking of things I have no desire to ever see again, can somebody please explain to me why
David Hasselhoff refuses to leave my TV screen? You know, it was absolutely
hilarious (yet painfully pathetic) when I saw him on the American Idol finale CRYING when Taylor Hicks was
announced as the winner. I mean, that's basically the low point of anybody's career and is most definitely
worthy of ridicule, so I can handle that.
But what I can't handle is the guy being a major focus of the NBA playoffs. The other night I flip over
to the end of the Suns/Mavericks game and I hear the words "David Hasselhoff" come out of the announcer's
mouth. "What on earth?" I think to myself. And then the camera finds Hasselhoff fist-pumping and cheering
on Dirk Nowitzki.
David Hasselhoff is from Baltimore, Maryland! Why in the world is he cheering on Dallas? Ooooooh, you know
what? Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany, and for some inexplicable reason Germans love David Hasselhoff. So
I guess Dave's just cheering Nowitzki. Makes sense, but can somebody please get the guy off my TV? It's all
starting to be a bit much.
- On second thought... I had the opportunity to see
X-Men: The Last Stand again this weekend (for free,
booyeah), and I have to say that it's a little bit easier to enjoy after you know what to expect and have
gotten past your initial disappointments (AND haven't paid to see it). My complaints from my
review still stand, but I must reiterate that the last 20 minutes
definitely count as Summer Blockbuster fun.
Now that I've had time to think it over I'm going to raise it from 3 marks to 3.25, and I'm going to lower
Firewall from 3.5 to 3.25. I just didn't feel right in rating
a middle-of-the-pack Harrison Ford thriller higher than an X-Men flick.
Still, that being said, let's drop Ratner and bring Singer back to finish things off right.
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May 26, 2006
REVIEW: X-Men: The Last Stand - It's X-Men Lite!
"If this was the first movie in the series then you could cross your fingers and say, 'Well, that showed
some promise. There's room for improvement.' At least there's hope in that scenario. But considering
the fact that all X-Men: The Last Stand delivers is a
regression, rather than the 'two steps forward' progression that X2 displayed over the original, then what are
we left to hope for? If you're not going to improve on what has preceded you then what's the point? A quick
buck during the Summer?"
Johnny Betts reviews X-Men: The Last Stand, starring
Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen, Famke Janssen, Kelsey Grammer, and Patrick Stewart.
REVIEW: Washington the Warrior
Why not celebrate Memorial Day by educating yourself a bit regarding America's first President? Read
my review of Washington the Warrior to find
out more about what to expect.
Also Opening this Week
Coastlines - Woohoo! This Victor Nunez/Josh Brolin
collaboration finally gets released! Only four years after it debuted at Sundance. Of course, it's only at New
York's IFC Theater, but it's something. If you are a Comcast/Cablevision customer then you can go to
the "On Demand" menu and select the "IFC IN THEATERS" category and then select "COASTLINES" to view it from
the comfort of your own home.
The Notorious Bettie Page - The real-life
story of Bettie Page (portrayed by Gretchen Mol), the 1950s pin-up model. Playing exclusively in Memphis at
Studio on the Square.
Kinky Boots - Inspired by the true story of a traditional
English men's footwear factory which turned to production of kinky boots for transvestites. Huh. Playing
exclusively in Memphis at Studio on the Square.
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May 25, 2006
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Leeches!
"Congratulations, Leeches!, you are the gayest movie I have ever had
the displeasure of fast-forwarding through. And I don't mean 'guy writing his own wedding vows and talking
about puppies, rainbows, and sunsets gay.' No, no, no. I mean full-blown (no jokes, please) 'Richard Simmons
gay.'"
Look, I know how it works. You're gonna see Leeches! advertised on
the Sci-Fi channel one day and like I did, you'll think, "Great! I'll record that and have a great time making
fun of it with my buddies!" Please, read my review before making that
mistake and consider it my warning to you.
The History Channel's Washington the Warrior
The History Channel's tribute to George Washington, Washington the Warrior, will debut on Memorial Day,
May 29th. However, if you're interested in finding out more (and watching a few trailers and clips) before
Monday then all you have to do is check out my Washington the Warrior
page for all the info. Look for my review tomorrow.
Coming Tomorrow
In addition to my Washington the Warrior review, I'll have a review of X-Men: The Last Stand. I'll
also let you know what other movies are opening in Memphis as well as a very important movie opening in New York
that you might just want to make travel plans to go see.
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May 24, 2006
Cars Screening Sign-Up Has Ended
All right, those passes went quickly. I'm halting the sign-up for now so that we don't have too many people
get their hopes up that they might be alternate winners. If you won a pass then you'll receive an email
from me later this evening with instructions. Please respond to the email I send and confirm that you will be
attending the screening.
If you're an alternate then I'll email you and let you know who exactly you need to maim so that they won't
be able to attend the screening and will then have to forfeit their pass to you.
Tomorrow I'll have a review of Leeches! as well as more information on John Malkovich's new short film
and the History Channel's Washington the Warrior.
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May 23, 2006
News of the Hollyweird
- I don't know if you've heard, but Simon Cowell apparently isn't rich enough so
he's producing a new show for the Summer schedule called America's Got Talent. As
ironic as this title is, considering the sheer lack of talent that will most likely be on display, one of the
judge selections is even more so.
That judge? David Hasselhoff. You read that right; David Hasselhoff will help decide
who, based on talent, makes it to the finals of the show.
Hasselhoff judging talent? Isn't that like Britney Spears judging a "Best Mom" contest? Or Michael Moore
being a judge on "The Healthiest American"? We can only hope they're going the ironic route on this
one.
- Bruce Willis announced at the Cannes Film Festival last week that
Die Hard 4 is moving forward and he hopes it will be ready for next year's
Summer release schedule. No word yet on how cheesy the subtitle will be. Considering Die Hard 2 used
Die Harder I suppose there's a chance we'll be forced to roll our eyes at Die Hardest. I cannot
confirm nor deny the unsubstantiated rumor that they're gonna go the age appropriate route and call it
Die Hard with Arthritis. I'll keep you updated.
Coming Tomorrow...
It's pretty quiet today, I know. But check back tomorrow for info on the History Channel's upcoming
Washington the Warrior, a new short film starring John Malkovich, and, of course, the sign up
for Cars passes. I would say to be on the lookout for that between 10:00 and 10:30 AM.
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May 22, 2006
Hate Mail!
Folks, I honestly didn't see this coming - someone rising to the defense of
See No Evil. That's right, there appears to be at least one
person out there willing to stand up for the artistic merits of this delectable bite of cinema gourmet. I
feel so ashamed for daring to poke fun at it.
From: Somebody who most likely worked on the film
Your review is so self-satisfied and faux-ironic, it's hard to take your comments seriously. Impossible,
actually. Go ahead ... give it a bad review if that's your honest take. Just know that you're not nearly as
funny as you think you are.
Dear Somebody who most likely worked on the film,
You bring up an excellent point, and I think it's true that I'm not as funny as I think I am. If I'm being
honest then the fact of the matter is that I'm most likely FUNNIER than I think I am. It's just that I have
way too much humility to admit it. But I'd like to thank you for being the one to point it out.
As for your comments regarding my review, well, you're probably right in stating that it's self-satisfied.
After all, I'm pretty satisfied with the review. I've re-read it three or four times since writing it and
each time I've chuckled like a school girl. Even though I'm not really sure why school girls are often
stereotyped as always giggling and chuckling.
I'm still trying to figure out how it's faux-ironic though. Feel free to get back to me about that.
Oh, and if you do, could you tell me which part of the movie you worked on? Gaffer? Best boy grip? Just
curious. Thanks!
Sincerely,
jb
You can read more hate mail right here.
More Movie Confessions
Today's Movie Confession comes from Murry. Read Maximus was Right
and find out how his story is proof that what we do in life really does echo in eternity.
A Special Screening of Cars
If you're subscribed to the low-budget Movie Mark E-mail Newsletter (AKA an email Johnny sends out begging you
to read the Movie Mark) then you know that I'm being given a small number of passes for an upcoming screening
of Pixar's Cars. The sign up page will be available either tomorrow or Wednesday (most likely
Wednesday), so keep your eyes on the Movie Mark and hurry up and try to snag a pass.
Upcoming Reviews of Sci-Fi Originals
For all of you asking me to do more bad movie reviews, never fear! The Sci-Fi Channel has quite a few coming
up that are on my agenda - Abominable, The Monster Hunter, etc. But I think I'm most excited
about Leeches! As Centipede! proved, any creature movie
with an exclamation point in the title is a bad sign. But we're thankful for the warning.
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May 19, 2006
REVIEW: Over the Hedge - DreamWorks finally delivers.
"DreamWorks finally gives us an animated film that doesn't feature heavy amounts of animal flatulence. Thank
you, DW, thank you very much. Kids will love Over the Hedge,
and there are enough likable characters and adult-targeted jokes to keep the older folks happy. There's no need
to dread this one if your kid is begging you to take him to see it."
Johnny Betts reviews Over the Hedge, starring the voices of
Bruce Willis, Steve Carrell, and William Shatner.
REVIEW: See No Evil - It's HOR-larious!
"I also suggest that you and your pals write down every single moment of stupidity and inanity that you can
find. Tally them up at the end and see who comes up with the most. I think my grand total was 107; can you
beat that? I personally want to know how after 35 years and a fire does this abandoned hotel still have
electricity, running water, and a working elevator?"
Johnny Betts gives See No Evil exactly the treatment it
deserves.
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May 18, 2006
Attention Teachers: Akeelah and the Bee for Free
AMC Entertainment and Lionsgate are offering teachers an opportunity to see
Akeelah and the Bee for free. There's one thing I don't
understand though. The press release says the offer is extended "for every teacher in the United States,"
but it clarifies that it "is valid exclusively at all theatres in the AMC system including: Loews Theatres,
Star Theatres and Magic Johnson Theatres."
Memphis has no theaters in the AMC system, so how are Memphis teachers able to participate? Don't they fall
under the "every teacher in the United States" category? Can they get a free ticket and then travel out of
town to a city with AMC theaters? Just curious.
Check your local listings and see if there are any participating theaters near you. The offer lasts from
Friday, May 19 to Thursday, May 25. You'll need to present a school issued ID card (or a pay stub) and a
valid photo ID. I have no idea if cavity searches are involved. The press release didn't mention that.
Be sure and tell 'em Johnny Betts sent you. You'll be barred from the theater for life, but at least you'll
have a story to tell the grandkids one day.
Oh, and if you're in the Memphis area and feel the need to call Malco and ask why they aren't letting local teachers
see the movie for free please don't tell them, "Johnny Betts said I should call and complain." I think they're
still a little peeved about my endorsement of sneaking snacks into movies.
Pulse
This is a remake of the Japanese film Kairo, which I assume means "pulse" in Japanese. Don't quote me on
that though. I know people have the tendency to whine and complain whenever an American filmmaker remakes
Japanese horror, but I don't care as long as it's solid entertainment. Purists will gasp at this, but
I prefer not being required to read subtitles in a horror flick.
The website (along with the trailer, which I thought fairly intriguing) is now live, so
check it out if you're so inclined.
If you're not so inclined then just surf the Movie Mark for a few more hours and all will be well.
Pulse opens on July 14. I promise if I see one website make some stupid comment such as, "Pulse
POUNDS its way into theaters on July 14" then I will hunt down the author of that pun and deliver three
swift kicks with my biker boots. Well, I guess I'm technically the author of the pun, but you get the
point.
PRESS RELEASE: The Ferryman
Since we're on the subject of horror movies, one that has my attention is The Ferryman. The reason this
one has piqued my interest is because it was developed initially by New Zealand producer Matthew Metcalfe who
was also a producer on the extremely underrated Nemesis Game.
You can read the press release right here. You'll need Adobe Reader.
Coming Tomorrow...
My review of Over the Hedge and perhaps a review of See No Evil. I'm skipping The Da Vinci
Code. Early reviews indicate that it's as melodramatic and boring as I expected, and I don't think I can
handle staring at Tom Hanks' mullet for nearly 2 hours and 45 minutes. Plus, I have another movie I'll be
seeing in its stead. More on that later.
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May 17, 2006
Movie Confessions
This wasn't easy, but I felt it was important to lead the way and post the Movie Mark's very first Movie
Confession. But this calls for reader participation! Don't think you can just sit back and laugh at my
embarrassment. Oh no, my friends, we're all in this together. So man (or woman) up and
email me YOUR confession.
Now, read as I bare my soul in Way too Easy of a Target.
Movie Horror Stories
Jessica shares her own bad experience with dealing with disrespectful teenagers who seem to think the theater
is their playground to do whatever they want in Yell and Run.
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May 16, 2006
New Feature: Movie Confessions
I'm introducing a new feature to the Movie Mark that I hope to make as wildly popular as the
Movie Horror Stories. It will quite simply be called
Movie Confessions.
We've all paid to see movies that we're not proud of. Sometimes we may have even paid to see a really embarrassing
movie twice! Or perhaps you've done something at the theater that you're a little embarrassed about. Maybe when
you were young you lied to your mom about what movie you were going to see and snuck into an R-rated movie
instead. Did you try to justify your actions in your own mind?
Well, it's time to clear your conscience and 'fess up! I'll post my first Movie Confession tomorrow, but go
ahead and email me YOUR confession (just try to make it as clean as you
can) so we can all have a laugh at your expense. Confession's good for the soul so while this is ultimately
about entertainment; there's no reason why you can't become a better person in the process.
On DVD this Week
"The Ringer provides a few healthy laughs, likable characters,
a sexy Katherine Heigl, and a story laden with good intentions. But it gets too caught up in its own niceness
to ever reach its full comedic potential. Save it for a rental when you can supplement its short runtime with
what I hope to be a load of special features. I demand a Johnny Knoxville blooper reel!"
Those were the words of wisdom from my highly entertaining review of The
Ringer, and now the DVD is finally here. But is it loaded with those special features I demanded? Let's
check:
- Commentary by director Barry W. Blaustein, screenwriter Ricky Blitt, producer Peter Farrelly, and actors
Johnny Knoxville, Edward Barbanell and John Taylor
- 16 deleted scenes
- "Let the Games Begin - A Look at The Ringer" featurette
- Special Olympics featurette
- A message from Special Olympics Chairman Tim Shriver
Nothing to pee your pants about, but not too bad. And if you're the kind of person who'd actually pee your
pants over a DVD's special features then you might want to see a doctor. But where is the Johnny Knoxville
blooper reel that I demanded? Thanks for spitting in my face, DVD makers.
"Does Something New offer something outrageously original,
creatively clever, and uproariously hilarious? Nah. But it does offer a little something different than the
'date movie' norm. No doubt this will appeal more to black women who may see a little of themselves in Kenya,
but similar to a Johnny Betts movie review the movie maintains enough universal appeal to avoid exclusion."
The special features aren't exactly inspiring:
- An Introduction to the film by Blair Underwood
- "The Making of Something New" featurette
- "The Do's and Don'ts of Dating" featurette
Come on, how do they have the nerve to try to pass off a Blair Underwood introduction as a special feature?
Check out my full review if you still need more info on whether
or not you should rent it.
"I'd like to start off by thanking the screenwriter - Jake Wade Wall. I don't know how you did it, but you
found a way to get hired to write the screenplay, effectively giving hope to any and all aspiring
screenwriters. One can't help but leave this moving thinking, 'Man, if that guy can get a job in Hollywood
then I surely can!' You presumably made a nice chunk of change for what couldn't have amounted to more than
five minutes of work, and honestly, how many of us wouldn't want that gig?"
Not only is When a Stranger Calls totally devoid
of any entertainment value, but the DVD is pretty much devoid of any special features. Check this out:
- Director and Cast Commentary
- Writer's Commentary
- "The Making Of When A Stranger Calls"
- Deleted Scenes
I bet those commentaries are a real hoot. This one ain't even worth your rental money, folks. Trust me.
My review (which is one of my personal favorites of the
year) reveals all.
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May 15, 2006
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Centipede!
"Common sense and historical precedence tell us that any movie title combining an insect name and an
exclamation point is going to be horrible."
I just want to say a belated "Happy Mother's Day" to all you mothers out there, and you know how I'm going to
show my gratitude and appreciation for all you do? By presenting you with a very special review of a little
bad movie called Centipede! No need to thank me; it's just my
small way of giving something back.
I would point out who "stars" in Centipede!, but you wouldn't
recognize a single name, so it'd be about as pointless as the movie itself. The
review is long, but it's highly entertaining so please improve your
Monday and check it out.
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May 12, 2006
REVIEW: Poseidon
"Poseidon is a great action movie that keeps the tension going strong
the entire run. The story isn't too deep, but the great effects and cool stunts make up for it in my book."
Stephanie gets to be Johnny Betts for a day and reviews Poseidon,
starring Kurt Russell and Josh Lucas' stubble.
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May 11, 2006
Opening this Week
I think it's fairly safe to say that the only movie opening this week that anybody over the age of 13 cares
about is Kurt Russell's Poseidon. It's a remake of 1972's The Poseidon
Adventure. The story is pretty simple: a luxury ocean liner capsizes from a colossal tidal wave and
people will either die or find a way to survive. Special effects ensue.
Stephanie assures me she'll have her review ready for me to post by tomorrow, but she warns me that it might
not be mind-blowingly impressive. Way to really hook the readers! Thanks for ensuring the Movie Mark
maintains its standard of excellence!
Don't worry; I'll present the next cover of Movie Beat (featuring Josh Lucas) to keep y'all entertained.
Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the Poseidon contest.
The other big release this weekend, the one that will likely appeal to those not old enough to drive, is
Lindsay Lohan's Just my Luck. Luckily (and thankfully), Memphis didn't get
a screening of this one, so I felt no need to waste my time with it out of any sense of obligation. I watched
the trailer and those two minutes were painful enough. I can't imagine a full 90.
The tagline is "Everything changed in the wink of an eye," and the poster features Lindsay Lohan winking. So you
know what? Because of that bit of stupidity I absolutely refuse to talk about the movie's "plot." Screw
that noise.
Worst/Cheesiest Taglines in Movie History
Speaking of bad taglines, what are your suggestions for some of the worst and cheesiest of all time? They can
be from any movie; there's no requirement that they come from a big screen release. Something like
The Gingerdead Man's "Evil Never Tasted So Good" will work just
fine.
Email me your nominations and we'll discuss at a later time.
Clarification
My sister, Amber, wants me to clarify that contrary to what I reported on Tuesday, she didn't say that she
liked Poseidon more than Titanic. Her exact quote was, "It was like the second part of Titanic
except with a little more action and a little less gay love story."
I'm still not sure how that's a ringing endorsement for Titanic, but she seemed to think it was important that
I post a clarification. I like how Amber is trying to act like she's making fun of the sappy love story from
Titanic nowadays. That doesn't explain why she's seen the movie at least 18 times. Literally. What a
dork.
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May 10, 2006
TRAILER: Lady in the Water
M. Night "Let's Twist Again" Shyamalan has a new movie coming out this Summer called Lady in the Water.
After seeing the official trailer I
must say my interest is piqued.
I read an interview with Shyamalan recently and he stated this was a tale he made up three years ago to tell his
daughters as a bedtime story. Sheesh. Those gals must've had some nasty nightmares. The trailer definitely
doesn't indicate that this is for the children.
Check it out.
Lady in the Water opens on July 21.
Knight Rider: The Movie
It's official. Knight Rider is indeed being transformed into a feature film. You can read the press
release right here.
No word on casting yet, but what credible actor can live with people joking that he is following in David
Hasselhoff's footsteps? Perhaps Colin Farrell will be available after Miami Vice bombs at the box
office later this Summer.
Devil's Knot: A Movie about the West Memphis Three
If you live anywhere in the Mid-South then you're most likely familiar with the "West Memphis Three." They
were convicted of murdering three eight-year-old boys in West Memphis, AR in 1993. They have supporters who
claim they're innocent and are continually fighting for a new trial.
It's not my job to try to convince you of their guilt or innocence, so all I'm here to tell you is that there's
a movie in the works based on Mara Leveritt's book Devil's Knot which follows the trials and convictions.
Read the press release if you're interested in finding out more.
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May 9, 2006
Titanic: The Sequel
As most of you know, I wasn't able to attend the Poseidon screening last night due to the fact that I was
busy leading my basketball team to yet another victory. However, the Movie Mark posse was in attendance, and
they all enjoyed it. The general consensus is that it's much more fun to sit through than Titanic.
Stephanie and Amber both agreed they liked it more than Titanic because "it had more action and no gay
love story." Stephanie's review will be posted sometime this week.
Anyway, I brought up the subject of the Titanic so that I could segue into this clip I'm gonna present
to you. Somebody named Derek Johnson created a trailer for a hypothetical sequel to Titanic where Jack
(Leonardo DiCaprio) is found frozen in ice at the bottom of the ocean and is raised to the surface and
rejuvenated. It's hilarious.
Check it out: Titanic: Two the Surface.
Poseidon Contest
Wanna win some free Poseidon related stuff? Click here to enter for your
chance to win a paper weight, a t-shirt, and a poster. Hopefully this will appease some of you who have been
asking me when I'm going to give away free stuff again.
Weeell, what I want to know is when are YOU gonna give ME something? Huh? HUH?!?! Sorry. I meant to say
good luck with the contest.
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May 8, 2006
Tom Cruise Vs. Johnny Betts
As most of you know by now, M:I3 bombed at the box office, despite solid reviews. $48 million may seem
like a lot of money to many people, but Paramount expected it to gross between $64 and $70 million in its
opening weekend. Spokesmen have spent the better part of the last couple of days covering their posteriors as
effectively as possible. I haven't seen this much blame shifted since the last time I watched CSPAN. Oh wait;
I've never watched CSPAN. Scratch that metaphor.
Anyway, most people are attributing M:I3's disappointing box office numbers to Tom Cruise's off-screen
antics. Well, there's a side to this story that most people might not be aware of, and perhaps Johnny Betts
and the Movie Mark are not receiving proper credit.
You're in luck - today I share the other side of the story with you.
CLICK RIGHT HERE to read the exciting tale in
Cruise Vs. Betts: The Genesis.
Sidebar: I know most of you don't need to be told to CLICK RIGHT
HERE in order to find such articles, but I received an email once from someone who didn't realize how to
get to my full movie reviews; they wondered if there was more to read than just the blurbs on the front page.
For that reason I try to never overestimate your computer knowledge.
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May 5, 2006
DVD REVIEW: Hoodwinked
"Hoodwinked isn't as polished as your typical big budget
animated film (which I think works as part of its charm), but you have to appreciate the effort put forth in
attempting to tell a story in such a way that it stands out from said typical big budget animated film. It doesn't reach
the heights that Toy Story and other Pixar films have set as the bar, but it gets closer than any of
the other competitors."
Johnny Betts reviews the Hoodwinked DVD, starring the voices of
Anne Hathaway (Red), Patrick Warburton (the Wolf), Glenn Close (Granny), and Jim Belushi (the Woodsman).
You know that Tom Cruise story I was gonna share with you today? Yeah, well, I'm saving that for Monday. No
need to thank me for giving you a reason to actually be happy about the end of the weekend. Just doin' my
job.
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May 4, 2006
Microsoft Word: The Hollywood Edition
I was feeling a little nostalgic yesterday and decided to read an old paper that I had written in elementary
school. In doing so, I noticed something very interesting when you click on the "Tools" menu item on Microsoft
Word. Check it out:
Feel free to send this slice of hilarity to all your friends and family. But keep in mind that it is a Johnny
Betts original, so you're required to provide proper credit. Failure to do so will result in a Southern Fried,
biker boot-laced beat down.
"Hey Johnny, you said that was an old paper you wrote in elementary school?"
Yeah, that's right.
"Um, there was no such thing as Microsoft Word when you were in elementary school."
Yeah, well, I've had my staff transfer all my old handwritten school papers into Word for longevity, posterity,
and whatnot.
Reader Review: Mission: Impossible III
As you know, assuming you read the Movie Mark yesterday like you're supposed to; Memphis isn't getting an
advanced screening of Mission: Impossible III. That means I'd have to actually pay to go see it which,
in turn, means I won't be seeing it anytime soon. However, FieryMaid from
the Movie Mark Message Boards (picture that being said in a
loud, echo-y voice) has seen it and really enjoyed it. In the interest of fairness, here's what she had to say:
"Well, having LOVED the first one and HATED the second one, the third one is definitely up there with the
first.
Yes, I KNOW it has Cruise in it, but DESPITE that, this movie is good!
Lots of action, incredible and awesome stunts, great explosions and cool twists make this the typical summer
action flick. Acting chops are brought to the table by Ving Rhames (how can you not love him?) and Philip
Seymour Hoffman. I knew Philip would be a GREAT bad guy and I was SO right!
This is so worth your money if you are looking for a satisfying action movie. Granted, if you hate Tom Cruise
and want his movie to bomb, wait for the $1 rental or even TV. If you hate the guy personally (that's me) but
want to see a good action movie (that's me again), go see it."
Well, it looks like I fall in FieryMaid's category. I didn't love the first one, but I thought it was
decently entertaining. However, I did indeed loathe the second one. So it looks like this flick might actually
be watchable.
I'll see it eventually. For free.
Tomorrow I'll share with you a little story, whose accuracy is admittedly of a dubious nature, that will help
you understand my lack of gentility towards ol' Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.
You can also look for my review of the Hoodwinked DVD. I can't guarantee that you'll find it, but you
sure as heck can look for it.
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May 3, 2006
Opening This Week
Bad news - I won't be reviewing any of this week's new releases. For some reason, pint-sized Cruise's
Mission: Impossible III isn't being screened in Memphis. Personally, I think it's
because Tom is mad at all the fun the Movie Mark and Johnny Betts have poked at him and he wanted to
prevent me from seeing it for free. Sour grapes, Tom. Sour grapes.
Considering I fell asleep during M:I2, thanks to approximately 70% of the movie being in slow motion, I will NOT
pay money to see this one at the theater. With J.J. Abrams (Lost) at the helm, this has potential to be
better than its predecessors, but since the overrated Cruise is in the lead role it still has the
potential to be a stink-a-palooza.
Feel free to send me your comments if you go see the movie and let me know what you think.
I'm also surprised that Memphis isn't getting a screening of An American Haunting.
I know it had a low budget and probably decided to cut marketing costs, but come on! Memphis is fairly close
to Adams, TN where these events allegedly took place. This area was your best bet at generating
positive word-of-mouth.
I've actually been to the Bell Witch Cave that is still supposedly haunted by ol' Kate so I admit I'm
somewhat interested in the movie. When we went on the cave tour, the guide kept asking us if we were feeling
anything or sensing the witch. I rolled my eyes and said no, but then all of a sudden I got this really weird,
strange feeling in my stomach. Turned out to be the Taco Bell we ate on our way to the cave. Beware the
gordita.
I'll most likely make this one a rental.
Well, we did get a screening of Hoot, but I had previous plans that
Saturday morning so I had to skip it. Darn. If I didn't already have plans that morning then I would've
found some. A movie about some little kids breaking the law to defend a few endangered owls? Nah, don't
think so. Not even Luke Wilson's presence can make me interested enough to even watch this on TV one day.
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May 2, 2006
Kate & Allie, Bears & Trampolines
Can you believe that I camped out all day at Best Buy so that I could be the first in line at midnight to
purchase the new Kate & Allie: Season One DVD only to find out that for some reason Best Buy wasn't
opening its doors at midnight to sell it?? What, they only do that for video game consoles or something?
Unbelievable. Where's the justice? Now I have to figure out a way to make it through the entire work day
before I'll be able to get my Susan Saint James crush on.
Kate & Allie: Season One on DVD. So there was actually a demand for that, huh? Que ever. Has
anybody noticed that Chip (Allie's unattractive son on the show) has taken to playing serial killers on
just about every TV crime show? Granted, he has the look, and perhaps that's what makes the whole thing
even more disturbing.
Anyway, it doesn't take a genius to realize that whenever you combine bears, trampolines, and tranquilizers that
you're staring at world class potential for some extreme hilarity. Sorry, I couldn't find a smooth transition
from Kate & Allie to this. You'll live.
Watch the clip.
Look at how high the bear bounces up. It probably would've been safer to just shoot him out of the tree and let
him land directly on the ground! But of course, that would've been nowhere near as funny.
TRAILER: The Lake House
Watch the trailer.
This is a story of a lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock) who once occupied an unusual lakeside home who begins
exchanging love letters with its newest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves) with limited acting
range. They discover that they're actually living two years apart, and they try to unravel the mystery
before it's too late.
All right, so the trailer showcases a number of elements that could make this a big ol' slice of cheese -
soaring music, romance novel-esque narrations (I'm guessing here), and Keanu Reeves doing his best to emote.
So why in the world am I so interested in this flick???? Doggone it; I admit that I want to know what exactly
the mystery is behind them being two years apart!!!
We'll find out on June 16.
Adventures in Pasta Cooking: The Saga Continues
In the interest of fairness, and for those of you who didn't read it on
The Movie Mark Message Board, here's Stephanie's side of
the story (my side can be read under April 27's entry):
Hmm, seems like Johnny left out a few details of that pasta story! What a shock! Let's see, what did he fail to
mention?
When he called me with his speculation that the pasta was not yet done after greatly exceeding the suggested cooking
time, I had to inform him that pasta gets too mushy when you OVERCOOK it, which of course the poor guy did. The
term "al dente" is definitely not in his cooking vocabulary.
When I got in and looked at the stove, the first thing I noticed was how he disregarded my first instruction to
use one of the big pots with the little handles. Instead he used a 1 quart pot with the long handle! I couldn't
believe he could even fit everything into it. As I gazed into the tiny pot I saw much cloudy water from the
poor pasta being boiled to death. Al dente? Try al mushe.
Fortunately, DiGiorno (I think?) put some super tasty cheese in that pasta that still made it delicious. And the
cabernet marinara was freakin' tasty. You go Classico!
But I will give Johnny an A for effort. Maybe his confidence will grow. I can only hope!
In my defense, those handles WERE short! Maybe about five or six inches. My mom has some pots that have handles
that are about a foot long, so it's all relative.
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May 1, 2006
REVIEW: Lonesome Jim
"Therein lies the movie's main problem; its lead character just isn't very likeable. At least not to me.
Rather than root for him, I wanted to punch him in the face. You can probably see why I didn't choose social
services as a career. I'll give Affleck credit; he fits the role of a downtrodden loser very well, but after
all, he is an Affleck, so this might not have been too big a challenge for him. A tribute to or an
indictment of his acting? I'll let you be the judge."
Johnny Betts reviews Lonesome Jim, starring Casey Affleck
and Liv Tyler.
Baby Got Book
You have to see this video. A white Christian rapper (I hear you chuckling already) has taken a song about
big butts and has changed the lyrics to make it about big Bibles. I kid you not.
Watch the video here.
I'll give the guy credit - it's pretty funny. "My Bible study don't want none unless you got book hon." I
wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it with my own eyes.
I'm not sure I'd recommend wearing that 20-pound KJV necklace when trying to share your faith with others
though. You probably don't want people laughing in your face before you even have a chance to talk.
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