BREAKING NEWS - MAY 2007
May 31, 2007
Opening this Week
You know how every great TV series has an off-week? No matter how great the track record, sometimes there's an episode or two that
just doesn't cut it. Welp, let's consider this TMM's off-week. I've got a work project due tomorrow that's sapping my mental
injury, and a backache that's drained all my physical energy.
I think the backache originated in Gulf Shores when I got pelted by a huge wave. I tried to brace myself, and the upper half of my
body kind of went the opposite direction of the lower half of my body. I'm assuming that's not ideal. I ran three miles yesterday
after work hoping that might loosen it up a bit. The only thing I loosened was the pain, allowing it to spread to new areas of my
well-toned body.
My back was so stiff that I thought I was gonna lock up and pass out after the first quarter mile. I finished the run, but it was
neither fun nor invigorating. When I got home I fell on the couch and downed some OTC painkillers Try delivering hilarity in
that condition. Not easy.
I think I'm gonna need the weekend to recover. So just be a little patient - I promise I'll return full of more salt and vinegar
than ever before. Next week, I'll be back and angrier than ever. Watch out, Hollywood! The biker boots are in the closet right
now, but I'm shinin' them up this weekend and stompin' mudholes soon! Notice has been served.
This week's big openers are Knocked Up and Mr. Brooks. Unfortunately,
Mr. Brooks wasn't screened in Memphis. However, I did catch a screening of
Knocked Up, so I'll summon the energy to deliver some sort of review tomorrow.
My Waitress review is practically done, so maybe I can finish it as well. The
Once interview will have to wait just a little bit longer though.
Blockbuster - 50% off used DVDs
Sorry for delivering this news late, but I just found out about it yesterday (thanks, Amber). Today is the last day of Blockbuster's
50% off used DVDs sale. Swing by after work and take advantage of it. You'll be glad you did. Oh, and pick me up a little
something special while you're there. Thanks.
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May 30, 2007
On DVD This Week
"Personal peeves aside, the movie itself just isn't overly compelling. The war scenes are handled with care, Ulliel is serviceable
as a young Hannibal, Gong Li is a hottie, and there are a handful of disturbing scenes, but the movie fails to create its own
identity or legitimate suspense. Other than showing us where Lecter got his infamous mask, you can replace the name 'Hannibal Lecter'
with another of your choosing, and you have the same generic flick that doesn't necessarily fit comfortably with the rest of the
series."
SPECIAL FEATURES:
I couldn't find info on special features on Amazon or IMDb, and if you think I'm looking beyond that then you greatly overestimate how
much free time I have on my hands to care about such inconsequential crap.
All in all, you're my wonderwall *ahem* Um, I mean Hannibal Rising isn't a bad
movie, it's just not a very good one. It might make for a decent rental because you have the ability to fast-forward through a whole
lot of boring scenes that contain no action or dialogue.
The only other "big" release is Curse of the Golden Flower. My man Nate in Louisville warns me that
it's about as exciting as watching a fat man in July sweat his own gravy.
Coming Tomorrow
I'm still slowly getting back into the swing of things. Try sleeping on the beach and braving waves for a couple of days and then
coming back to the real world. I assure you, you will NOT want to do anything. And I mean ANYTHING. I was too lazy to watch TV
last night!
I got back from a screening of Knocked Up, watched a couple of reruns of King of Queens, and then simply could not
muster the energy to keep my eyes open to watch a DVR'd episode of Conan. This was about 10:30. I woke up on the couch and
realized it was 4:30 AM. I sure hope this is just a sign of recovery from my trip and not some sign of getting older.
Anyway, I'll do my best to finish my Waitress review and my interview with the cast and director of
Once by tomorrow.
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May 29, 2007
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
I got back into town last night, so I'm still in the process of recharging. But I hate to leave you hanging without ANYTHING, so
here's a trailer for the new CG animated Clone Wars series. It takes place between the events of Attack of the Clones
and Revenge of the Sith, and it looks pretty cool to me.
Click here to view the trailer.
Maybe I'll have something more substantive for you tomorrow.
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May 25, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Once
"I ask you, if you harbor the same disdain for the genre that I do, to ignore any references to Once
being a musical. I'd hate for you to carry that misconception and miss out on this gem of an independent Irish film.
Once is so much more. It's real. It's honest. It's vulnerable. It's a love story told through
deeply personal songs involving characters that embody the exact qualities that make the film so special."
Johnny Betts reviews Once, starring Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová.
All right, here's the deal - I'm going on a trip to Gulf Shores this weekend, and my carpool is leaving at 5:00 AM. It's currently 1:53 AM.
That's right - that means I'll be getting approximately two hours of sleep. Yeehaw. So you know what? My Waitress review will have
to wait. I promise to include it on the next update.
Also, I haven't finished transcribing my interview with John Carney, Glen Hansard, and Markéta Irglová. I'll get that finished and
posted soon as well.
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May 24, 2007
Opening this Week
 
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Weeeeell, apparently Disney determined that Pirates has so
much name recognition that there was no need to screen it in a piddly little town like Memphis. They didn't even bother screening
it for press. Jerks. But I can't argue with their logic. At this point they could give Corey Feldman a prominent role and it'd
still make $150+ million its opening weekend.
Well, maybe that's pushing it...
Due to the fact that I take it as a personal offense whenever I'm actually expected to spend money on a movie these days, I'm not
sure I'll shell out the big bucks to see this one on the big screen. I might wait for the DVD. But I'm really curious to see
why so many critics are whining about how confusing the movie is. It's about pirates doing a bunch of cool stunts and
showcasing a plethora of action sequences, can it really be THAT convoluted?
Once - A great little love story, albeit an unconventional one, about two musicians with different
paths to follow. Tune in tomorrow for my review as well as my interview with John Carney, Glen Hansard, and Markéta Irglová.
Waitress - Don't let a description such as "a movie about a woman who makes pies and names them after
events in her life" scare you too badly. Sure, this will play best with the ladies, but it's quirky enough to give all audiences
a few laughs. Well, maybe not the 10-year-old demographic, but you know what I mean.
The LOST Season Finale
Wow. Last night's season finale was so good that if you've never seen the show before then I can definitely recommend that
you go ahead and pick up the first two seasons on DVD, grab the third season when it comes out in a few months, and then
sit back and enjoy the ride for the final 48 episodes.
Now THAT is how you end a season and leave your audience hungering for more.
HERE BE SPOILERS!!! DON'T READ FURTHER IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE!!!
Obviously, one of the big questions is who was in the coffin in Jack's flash forwards. The newspaper clipping that Jack is
holding shows a "J" being the first letter in the first name. The wrinkled paper hides the rest of the first name, but the last
name appears to end in "antham." The fact that no one (except Jack) showed up at the funeral obviously means this person was not
well-liked. My theory? Get ready because it goes against the norm. A little thinkin' outside the box if you will...
It's Jason Statham (misspelled "Stantham" in the paper). The reason nobody was at the funeral is because no one wanted anything
to do with him after he starred in Uwe Boll's Dungeon Siege. Jack, however, remained a loyal fan.
Many people are wondering why Charlie was killed off. Did he want to leave the show? Was it a necessity for the character?
The writers/producers have explained that they felt his character had perfectly completed his story arch, a sacrifice was
needed, and this was the perfect closure for him. But you know what would have been the best way to handle all of this?
Dominic Monaghan should have been cast in The Hobbit, and then when Charlie was drowning and held up his hand, it
could have said something like, "Go see The Hobbit, starring Dominic Monaghan." Missed opportunities.
I can't believe I have to wait eight or nine months to get more answers. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE MEANTIME?!?!?!?!
"Attempt to have a semblance of a life?"
Good point.
American Idol
The only real result of last night's American Idol season finale is that soon there'll be a couple of more CDs released that I'll
never consider buying. The most watchable moment was Kelly Clarkson bouncing around to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
She was doing some sort of foot stomp/leg hop thing. All I know is it was hypnotic.
I love when they bring out people like Tony Bennett, Gladys Knight, Smokey Robinson...
"Oh, because you love seeing the classic performers get a chance to shine on national television again?"
Um, no. Because I'm glad I can fast-forward through their boring songs and hurry up and delete the show from my DVR. I suppose
I might watch a Tony Bennett performance if I'm having trouble sleeping, otherwise, that's a big no thank you on that one.
Weirdest celebrity sighting of the night - David Alan Grier. Does he have another destined-to-be-cancelled-in-three-months
series to promote? Hasselhoff was in attendance again, looking like a 60-year-old grandma, but he didn't cry this time.
Oh, and there was an interesting moment during Sanjaya's performance with Aerosmith's Joe Perry. You know when Sanjaya is
making his way back to the stage from the crowd, and he yells out "Joe Perry!" Well, if you pause your DVR and watch it frame by
frame, you can actually see Perry's soul leave his body.
But hey, if somebody offered me money to play guitar while Ms. Clarkson bounced around next to me then I'd gladly accept it as
well.
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May 23, 2007
SEARCH 4 $ILVER - Press Release
20TH CENTURY FOX CHALLENGES AMERICA TO SEARCH 4 $ILVER!
Limited Edition "Silver Surfer" Coin Is This Summer's Silver Ticket
LOS ANGELES ... This summer, silver is the new gold standard - for movies, with the June 15 release of Fantastic Four: Rise of
the Silver Surfer, and for movie promotions, as Twentieth Century Fox and the Franklin Mint join forces to create an original
limited collector's edition "Silver Surfer" U.S. quarter that will challenge movie goers to Search 4 $ilver.
The collector's "Silver Surfer" U.S. quarter will be emblazoned with the image of the legendary Marvel Comics character who takes
a leading role in the movie. This legal tender coin is a 2005 California statehood commemorative quarter minted by the United
States Mint and specially color-enhanced by The Franklin Mint for Twentieth Century Fox.
Fox will launch the Search 4 $ilver in grand style by sending a specially-outfitted fleet of silver armored trucks out to
deliver 40,000 coins to cities all across America, in time for Memorial Day weekend.
Then begins the Search. Those who find the special coins will be directed to the film's official website, where they can
register for a chance to win a 4 day/3 night trip for 4 to the June 12th world premiere of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver
Surfer in London, England. The winner will be announced on or about June 4. Also, the first 400 people to register will be
entered for a chance to receive one private screening of the film for their friends and family the night before the film surfs into
theaters everywhere. In addition to the above prize opportunities, every fan is invited to visit the film's website
(www.riseofthesilversurfer.com) everyday until June 12th to flip a "virtual
coin" for a chance to win instant prizes.
The Fantastic Four meet their greatest challenge yet in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, as the enigmatic,
intergalactic herald, the Silver Surfer, comes to Earth to prepare it for destruction. As he races around the globe wreaking
havoc, Reed, Sue, Johnny and Ben must unravel the mystery before all hope is lost. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer,
opening everywhere June 15, is the second installment of the live-action film series based on what fans around the globe know as
"The World's Greatest Comic Magazine." "Fantastic Four" directed by Tim Story and released in the summer of 2005, had a worldwide
theatrical gross of $330 million and became one of Twentieth Century Fox's most successful DVD titles ever.
Johnny Betts Keeps Man Card
Memphis, TN - America's favorite movie reviewer, Johnny Betts, announced yesterday that he would be attending a promotional
screening of Keri Russell's Waitress by himself. A formal invitation was extended to anyone wishing to attend,
with Johnny joking that a strong resemblance to Kate Beckinsale would increase the chances of being chosen as his screening
partner.
However, Johnny didn't expect THE Kate Beckinsale to accept the invitation. In an effort to keep the situation low key, Betts
avoided reporters' questions, but the official head of The Movie Mark paparazzi - a mysterious Belgian man known only as Trantee -
captured the above image. Bystanders were shocked that Betts was able to maintain his trademark look of nonchalance.
Neither Mr. Betts nor Ms. Beckinsale could be reached for comment.
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May 22, 2007
On DVD this Week
The only DVD release this week that I've seen is Letters from Iwo Jima
and it isn't exactly good old-fashioned family entertainment. Check out the DVD Preview
for all the non-gory details.
More No Country/Brolin Coverage
Yesterday I spent a decent amount of time chronicling Josh Brolin's conquering of Hollywood, but I've got just a little bit more for
you today:
Actor likes life on the flip side
Five Clips
I'm even more excited now thanks to these clips. I especially like the one where Josh's character (Moss) tells Chigurh that he's
making him his own special project. Warning - the clip where Chigurh tells the gas station attendant to call the coin toss
contains what some might consider a spoiler. Watch at your own risk.
Johnny Betts' Man Card in Danger of Confiscation
Movie Mark fans were rocked yesterday when testosterone-fueled Masculinity Expert, Johnny Betts, made it known that he would be
attending tonight's screening of Waitress by himself. Due to his local celebrity status, Betts is not typically confined
to the taboo status of going to movies alone; however, this scenario is a little different.
"It's a movie about an unhappily married Southern woman who falls into an 'unlikely relationship,'" responded Betts. "Doesn't
exactly scream 'guys night out,' now does it?"
It's the type of film a male usually sees under the guise of "my girlfriend made me go," so Betts understands that there might be
demands that he turn in his "man card" at the theater door. "They're not getting it without a struggle," the sharp-witted
wordslinger contended, "I've got a pair of size 11 biker boots that say the card stays with me."
Betts says that any area females who want to see the movie and see this as an opportunity to attend a screening with him are more
than welcome to form a line. "The stronger your resemblance to Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or Jessica Biel, then the
better your chance of being chosen," replied Betts. "If you look like Rosie O'Donnell then please stay out of line."
It's a Circus Out Here Mama
As I pulled into the parking lot this morning and started my 8-minute trek to work (it's either that or pay for parking - you
gotta love working downtown), my delicate nostrils were hit with a pungent odor. An odor that can best be described as "slightly
more offensive than mama's salmon croquets." The source was not hard to find - there was a dead fish splattered right there on
the asphalt.
I'm not talking about somebody's discarded McDonald's Filet o' Fish. Nope. This was a full-sized fish that somehow ended up
in this spot in the parking lot and had apparently been run over. There just HAS to be a story behind that.
The thing was stinkin' to high Heaven. Does anything stink to low Heaven? I imagine that the foulest odors would be
the ones that stunk to low Heaven. As the scent wafted its way to the outer reaches, some angels or St. Peter might
want to stop it before it reaches the big Guy, right? "Whoa, somebody break out the deodorizer before this reaches HIGH
Heaven!" So the next time somebody refers to something as "stinkin' to high Heaven" then simply respond, "Nah, that odor's
so bad it'd never get past low Heaven."
Leave it at that. Offer no explanation. They'll look at you in bewilderment, but they'll know there's some backstory behind your
statement, and they'll respect you for it.
Yes folks, this is the kind of stuff that goes through my mind.
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May 21, 2007
It's Official - Josh Brolin Conquers Hollywood
"This movie is finally going to make you a star."
Josh Brolin's No Country for Old Men debuted this weekend at the Cannes Film Festival, and it has
been met with rave reviews (some critics have declared it to be the Coens' best film to date). Not
surprisingly, Josh's performance is all the rage.
"Fortunately, just before shooting started, the Coens found Josh Brolin as Llewlyn. The major surprise
of the film, Brolin, who grew up on a ranch in Central California, easily holds his own with his costars,
bringing the kind of grounded rural presence to the role the brothers considered essential. 'We lucked
out with the casting,' says Ethan." (The L.A. Times)
"Brolin is terrific as the likable country boy who sees his shot at the main chance and grabs
it..." (Hollywood Reporter)
"Grounded by three terrific lead performances, from Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and Javier
Bardem..." (Emanuel Levy)
"Holding his own in distinguished company ... Brolin gives off young Nick Nolte vibes as an ordinary
man who tries to outsmart some big boys in order to get away with the score of his life." (Variety)
And Time magazine refers to Josh's character as "the kind [of hero] the mass movie audience can root
for."
It's nice to see Hollywood and the rest of the world finally catching up to what I've been trumpeting for
the past, oh, 18 years.
Here are a few links for all you Brolin fans (and anybody looking forward to the movie) to enjoy:
Clip montage from the movie
Josh's big moment: Cowboy flick poised to put Brolin on top
Brolin, Bardem living 'Country' life at Cannes
No Country for Old Men Cannes Premiere Pics
No Country for Old Men Photocall
The Dark Knight - The Joker Revealed
Who's interested in a glimpse of what Heath Ledger's The Joker will look like in the upcoming The
Dark Knight? All right Amber, settle down. Warner Bros. recently ran a cool little marketing
campaign, unveiling a simple "Harvey Dent for District Attorney" website (you can view the
site here).
In response, an unknown adversary fictitiously launched his own website as part of a smear campaign
against Dent. The premise was you could send an email (and type in the appropriate code) through the site,
and for every entry a pixel would be removed, slowly allowing the identity of the person behind the site
to become clearer.
Fanboys went crazy and feverishly sent enough emails to quickly "reveal" that the Joker was behind all
of this. If you want to see what he apparently will look like (at least at some point in the movie) then
click here and wait a few seconds.
The film's release is over a year away, but it's good to see Warner Bros. already putting a little
creative marketing behind the project.
Lake Placid 2
Reeking of a stench so offensive that I couldn't force myself to sit through its 82-minute runtime, the
original Lake Placid in no way required a sequel. I'm fairly certain there was no demand for it
either, so I am at a loss as to what prompted it. The sad truth is that someone made the decision
that money should be spent on such a non-necessity, and I can only assume this person possesses an IQ that
poses no threat to exceed double digits.
Apparently under the influence of some sort of masochistic tendencies, I recently made the inadvisable
decision to try to watch the Sci Fi Original Lake Placid 2. I didn't really want to, and I
knew it would most likely be a huge mistake, but how could I ignore the fact that Bo Duke was starring?
I couldn't. I had to give it a shot and hope that perhaps it would be only a slightly moldy slice of
cinema au gratin.
I lasted approximately 10 minutes before the dull pain of boredom was just too much to bear. However, I
didn't want this exercise in poor judgment to be a complete mistake, so I decided to fast forward to the
end, hoping to catch a climactic battle with a CGI crocodile that would be worth at least a few
unintentional laughs. I'm happy to say that the 30 seconds I watched were worth it.
Bo Duke had somehow managed to lure the crocodile into a position where he could blow him up. As Bo was
about to blast the creature to kingdom come he smirked and deadpanned, "After awhile, crocodile!"
It was beautiful. I have no idea if the rest of the movie contained any other such gems. I highly doubt
it and I have no interest in finding out. But Lake Placid 2 and I will always have that one
unforgettable moment. Sometimes that's all you need. A fleeting cheeseball line that could only be
written by a burnt-out screenwriter with nary an ounce of shame. Anything more sophisticated
just might kill the magic.
You had me at "after awhile, crocodile," Lake Placid 2, you had me at "after awhile,
crocodile."
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May 18, 2007
Paramount Summer Preview
There's only one wide release this weekend and that's Shrek the Third. It didn't screen in Memphis, I have no desire to
pay to see it on the big screen, so I won't be reviewing it.
Opening in limited release is Away from Her. I skipped the screening because I wasn't in the mood for a movie about
Alzheimer's. I'm sure it's a sweet and touching story and all, but sometimes I don't desire to be depressed.
So today I'll treat you to my Paramount Summer Preview. They don't have a lot on
their plate, but there are two I'm really looking forward to. Click here for all
the details.
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May 17, 2007
Upcoming Sci Fi Originals
Patrick Muldoon. Casper Van Dien. Vanessa Williams. Stephen Baldwin. If this were the $64,000 Pyramid and you guessed,
"People who haven't been on the big screen in years," well, you'd be accurate. But "People most likely to star in a Sci Fi
Original (SFO)" is the answer I'm looking for.
I try to keep y'all up-to-date on what's coming to the big screen, but I don't want to neglect all you lovers of bad cinema
out there. Those of you who can't help but tune in to the Sci Fi Channel on Saturday evenings need to be kept abreast of what
to expect, and that's what I'm delivering today. These look promising, and I don't mean in a good way.
Dark Storm - One SFO with "storm" in the title
(Earthstorm) apparently wasn't enough for Stephen Baldwin, so he decided to do
Dark Storm. The plot has something to do with technology giving a scientist control of the weather. Sounds
ground-breaking. If I were a writer of SFOs then I'd make a lame joke such as, "Or should that be weather-breaking?" Then I'd
laugh undeservedly while you all shook your heads in embarrassment for me. Thankfully, I have too much self respect to go that
route, and I think we're all better for it. It premieres Saturday, May 26.
The director is Jason Bourque who is also directing the new reality series with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman - The Coreys:
Return of the Lost Boys. Yep, I think that tells us all we need to know in regard to what to expect.
Meltdown - No Sci Fi Summer is complete without a disaster movie starring Casper Van Dien. I did
specifically say "disaster" movie because that's the genre this falls within. An asteroid is headed for Earth, it somehow
shifts the Earth's orbit, and people start dying and dehydrating. I could have as easily referred to it as a "disastrous"
movie. Would've been just as accurate.
I was doing a little research on the movie and couldn't help but laugh when I saw the screenwriter, Rick Drew, posting on
IMDb and apologizing for the film. He states, "As much as I admit that this movie could have been much better (albeit with some
attempted entertainment value) I can't blame it on John Carpenter. I received solo WGA credit as the writer of the film and there
has been no effort to contest this (who would bother -- frankly, it wasn't a great movie!)"
The controversy he's referring to is John Carpenter was inaccurately given writing credit on IMDb. Apparently, years ago
Carpenter was involved in a completely separate project called Meltdown. You've gotta admire Drew for trying to protect
Carpenter's reputation while at the same time owning up to how bad the movie is.
In Drew's defense, he does mention that his original screenplay was practically diced to shreds once production began, "My only
complaint is the concept of my script -- and yes it is MY script -- I laboured through several drafts of it for nearly a year --
was too ambitious for the time and money that [was] available to produce it. On that basis, it's bound to be disappointing to fans
of action and FX when there's no time or [money] to deliver the quality action and FX fans of this genre deserve and expect."
Don't worry Mr. Drew; people who frequently watch SFOs in no way expect quality action or special effects. I also found it
hilarious that Casper Van Dien posts on IMDb message boards, and he seems quite proud of his recent work. It debuts
Saturday, June 2.
Ice Spiders - I would say that all you need to know is this is a movie starring Patrick Muldoon and
Vanessa Williams and involves giant spiders. However, I think the tagline really brings it home: "They thought Melrose Place had
vicious backbiting. They haven't seen anything yet."
Why in the world is a movie (even if it is an SFO) referencing Melrose Place? Has this thing been sitting on
the shelf for 10 years? Mark your calendars - Saturday, June 9.
Stan Lee's Harpies - You know how 2007 has officially been declared "The Year of Josh" due to Josh
Brolin's runaway success? Welp, apparently we can also dub it "The Sci Fi Original Year of Stephen Baldwin." This marks
Stevie B's third starring role in an SFO in about a 3 1/2 month time period. I can't find any info about it other than it's
based on a Stan Lee comic book. Check it out on Saturday, June 23.
So, are you pumped up yet??? I know you are. Tomorrow I'll try to give you some updates regarding Summer releases from the major
studios, but I thought you might like a full day to absorb and reflect on what your Summer Saturday night viewing will consist of.
You're welcome.
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May 16, 2007
New "No Country for Old Men" Image
If this doesn't get you excited for No Country for Old Men and how awesome Josh Brolin's gonna be in it then you simply
have no soul. You know what I think the movie should be called? No Country for non-Awesome Men. A bit unwieldy, but I
think it truly captures the film's essence.
ONCE
Y'all might remember last week that I was touting an independent film called Once. How can I not when the lead actress
personally told me she liked my accent (see the images below)? Well, the cast and director have three more stops on their U.S.
bus tour:
Wednesday, May 16 7:00 PM Landmark's La Jolla Village, San Diego
Thursday, May 17 6:30 PM Roxie Film Center, San Francisco
Friday, May 18 7:00 PM Museum of History & Industry - Prevue Theatre, Seattle
If you're in one of these cities and would like to catch a free screening of the film then
click here to print out a pass.
If you go then please print out the pictures below of Markéta and me and tell her, "This stud sends his regards." If she looks
bewildered and acts like she doesn't remember me, well, just keep that to yourself.
Visit the film's official website for more info and to listen to
music from the movie.
Facts
All right, a few facts for you today. I'll have a new batch for you soon. Plus, I'll be introducing the Josh Brolin Facts! I
had to, right?
COREY FELDMAN FACTS by Laslo Hollyfeld
- Scientists say that methane emissions from cows contribute to global warming. Scientists have been trying to measure similar
emissions from Corey Feldman's film catalog, but nobody is willing to get close enough to take a reading. "We'll stick with the
cows, thank you very much," they were reported as saying.
- Recently someone put a copy of Meatballs 4 in a paper bag, lit it on fire and left it on a doorstep. The homeowner let the
house burn to the ground rather than risk getting Feldman on his shoe.
- Corey Feldman played a gynecologist named "Kinky Finklestein" in the 2000 film, Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV.
That's it. What? You need a joke beyond that?
And Movie Mark Steph chimed in with a couple of Johnny Betts Facts:
- The arms of Johnny's shirts have to be made with reinforced steel to avoid damage from his muscles.
- Johnny always writes checks with his mouth that his butt can't cash b/c the checks always bounce...off of Johnny's tight
butt.
It looks like you ladies are learning how the Johnny Betts facts work, and who am I to argue?
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May 15, 2007
On DVD This Week
The only release this week that I've actually seen is Pan's Labyrinth,
but you know what's really got me excited, right? Josh Brolin's The Dead Girl! Check out my
DVD Preview page for more details.
Living's a State of Mind, Not a Message on a Shirt
You want something fun to do? The next time you see someone with a strongly-worded message on their t-shirt you should call them
out on it. See if they really live by what they wear.
I was running yesterday (for exercise, not from hordes of fans seeking my autograph) when I came upon a man wearing a t-shirt that
boldly proclaimed, "Anytime, Anywhere, Any game." I couldn't help myself, so I said, "Tomorrow night at 7:30, Germantown Rec
Center, ping pong." He stared at me and eloquently responded, "Huh?" So I politely replied, "I was just accepting the challenge
on your shirt." "Oh," he sheepishly commented, "Well, it's just a shirt."
Just a shirt. Is that how you live your life? Strut around like you're the Belle of the Ball, the ol' Cock of the Walk, but when
called out or questioned you tuck tail and run? Do you hide behind words that have no real meaning to you? Folks, if you're gonna
wear a message on your shirt then by all means LIVE THAT MESSAGE!
My "Buy your tickets to the gun show" shirt? I'm not just whistling Dixie. No ma'am; lay your money down and I'll
gladly flex for you. And that's how you should approach life. Don't be a phony - stating one thing but living another.
You might think you can get away with it, but one day, you just might turn around and see ol' JB callin' you out.
Coming this Week...
I'll be gracing you with a new addition to the Hoff Report, a reader-submitted horror story, a few new Johnny Betts and Corey Feldman
facts, an interesting paparazzi photograph of yours truly, and some info on how you can catch an advanced screening of Once,
assuming you live in the right city. Stay tuned.
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May 14, 2007
Delta Farce Fails to Topple Spider-Man
Industry insiders were left reeling today after box office reports revealed Delta Farce had failed to knock
Spider-Man 3 from atop the rankings. "We thought for sure the dashing, masculine good looks of D.J. Qualls
combined with the homespun, 'every man' humor of Larry the Cable Guy would bring in all demographics and lead to
a profitable weekend," said one insider who wished to remain anonymous.
However, movie expert and all-around genius, Johnny Betts, is not surprised. "I welcome the good news
that Delta Farce's paltry $3.5 million should ensure that there'll be no sequel. Just further proof that prayer
does indeed work. Will Hollywood finally realize that Larry the Cable Guy is not a box office draw? Oh man, I
just had a scary thought - Cedric the (non)Entertainer and Larry the Cable Guy teaming up for a buddy comedy. Whoa. Could
there be a less funny tandem?
Wait ... yes, there could possibly be - Chris Kattan and Jim Breuer. All right, I've gotta stop."
The only thing to really surprise Betts was Georgia Rule's poor performance. "I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't
able to help Georgia Rule's box office very much," replied the square-jawed Internet hero. "I thought for sure seeing it
four times would be quite beneficial. Did I say four times? I meant zero times from now until my death."
No industry insiders could be reached for comment.
Johnny Betts Unmasked
It's quite funny, the pictures I posted below (in the May 11 version of TMM) inspired one of the bigger reactions the site has had
in quite a while. And by "bigger reactions" I mean about four or five of you commented on it rather than the usual zero or one.
The consensus seems to be that finally seeing a front view of my face, sans sunglasses and other obstructions, is a thing of pure
joy and surprise. I know it's a lot of manliness to take in all at once, so I hope you ladies are recovering quite well.
RIP Family Guy
No, Family Guy hasn't been cancelled, but it probably should be. At one time the show was
genius, but it's now nothing more than a shadow of its former self. The episode from two weeks ago
(where they move to Texas) was quite possibly the worst episode in the entire series, producing
maybe two laughs. And last week's episode featured the unfunny return of the giant chicken.
For those of you not familiar with what I'm talking about, a running joke in the show is Peter
Griffin fighting a giant chicken. You see, if there's one thing Family Guy knows how to do
consistently these days it's beat jokes to beyond death - the chicken fight being one shining
example.
Knowing full well the scene would go to great lengths to wear out its welcome, I decided to time
it. The result? It lasted about 6 minutes! And that's out of an approximate 22 minute runtime.
Allow me to put my math minor to work and inform you that that's 27% of the episode.
I hate to say it, but I think it's about time Family Guy got the Old Yeller treatment.
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May 4, 2007
Early Praise for Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men
Welp, not surprisingly, Josh Brolin has been given another chance to step up to
the plate, and once again he's knocked it out of the ball park. On April 30,
there was a screening of No Country for Old Men at the AMC Lincoln
Square in New York City. I've read a couple of reviews online, and from all
accounts the movie looks poised to be one of this year's best. So what,
specifically, is being said about Josh's performance? I'm glad you asked...
From a man who calls himself Doctor Jimmy...
"The story [is] about a man named Moss, played with great, silent intensity by
Brolin..."
And somebody else going by Darth Noodle comments...
"The performances in this are top notch ... Josh Brolin - who the he** is this
guy? He was great in Planet Terror and he was great in this. I hope he
continues to work with good directors so that he can continue to improve and
grow."
"The Year of Josh" was put into motion over a month ago. Now it's shifted into
overdrive. I told you so.
Running Down a Dream...
Sorry, but I just didn't have it in me last night or this morning. Give me the
weekend to recharge, and I GUARANTEE I'll have my dream commentary on Monday.
You've got my word. Don't be upset by the delay, folks, sometimes you can't
rush or force creative brilliance.
Opening this Week
You know good and well what's opening this week - Spider-Man 3, which I
wasn't able to screen due to prior obligations. I was supposed to screen Lucky
You on Wednesday, but I showed up at the wrong theater. Oops. I should
have looked more closely at my itinerary, but in my defense I called the
correct theater and was told it was NOT screening there. So instead of double
checking, I went to the theater where I incorrectly thought it was screening.
"Whoa, Johnny made a mistake?"
No, dear friend, I like to look at it as divine intervention. You see, it's
quite obvious that if I had gone to the correct theater then I would've been in
some major accident. God, the Movie Mark fan that I hear He is, diverted my
path to the wrong theater, and essentially plucked me out of harm's way.
"Um, so why wouldn't God have just caused you to oversleep and not waste gas
money driving out of your way or something of that nature?"
Ever heard the saying that God works in mysterious ways? Well, there you go.
Nice job of trying to assume what God should have done. *shakes head* The nerve
of some people.
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May 3, 2007
20th Century Fox Spring/Summer Preview
The Fox Spring/Summer release schedule is surprisingly light. You can read my
preview RIGHT HERE for all
the details and my insight.
Coming Tomorrow...
Remember the advice I was going to bless y'all with regarding the chasing of
dreams? Yeah, well, life's been kicking my butt lately and I didn't get around
to it. I'll finish it up tonight and post it tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I didn't make Lucky You last night, partially because an
inept employee fed me wrong information about which theater had the screening,
so there will be no reviews tomorrow. Folks, you better learn it fast and you
better learn it young - people will let you down. Frequently.
Everybody has his or her own agenda and life to live. Now, the good news is
that this means people aren't thinking about you as much as you fear. The bad
news is that other people aren't thinking about you as much as you hope. All
you can do is walk into battle equipped with your own armor, no one else's.
Trust in man to get you through and you might as well go ahead and prepare for
failure.
I'll see Spider-Man 3 within the next couple of weeks and review it
then, but I can't make tonight's screening. Sorry. I'm off to punch something.
Don't worry; it'll probably just be a wall or a Rosie O'Donnell fan.
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May 2, 2007
On DVD this Week
This isn't exactly a mind-blowing week for DVD releases. I've only seen one of
the movies, and a couple of the ones I haven't seen seem somewhat interesting,
but I'm not feeling tons of excitement. Maybe you'll feel differently. Check
out my DVD Preview for more details.
Conan in San Francisco
For those of you who don't know, Conan O'Brien is filming a week of shows in
San Francisco. I highly recommend going to Conan's website and watching the
videos of his San Francisco tour. It's in two parts, so if you're only going to
watch one then go with part 2. Not only is the Full House parody
hilarious, but I have to tip my hat to anybody who uses a Creedence Clearwater
Revival song that's as rare as Ramble Tamble. Great song, but you'll
never hear it on the radio. Just more reason why Conan rules. Check it out:
Conan's San Francisco Tour.
Coming Tomorrow
I'll have a Fox Spring/Summer preview as well as a little advice on chasing
dreams. It'll be both entertaining and enlightening. I think.
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May 1, 2007
Sail on and Shine Bright
Silver girl's sailing on
Leaving old dreams behind
Lonesome songs and runaway wrongs
Can't dim her light's shine
So hang the boots high
And let the tears run dry
'Cause here's to the sunny slopes
Of long ago
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