"Johnny Betts is a rude 'abnoxious' jerk who needs to be 'punced' in the face."- A grammatically-challenged non-fan  

BREAKING NEWS - NOVEMBER 2005

November 30, 2005

Flex, Slugs, and Rigamarole

It has been said that the Hollywood lifestyle is all about sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. Well, in an effort to be cute and play off that threesome, I've branded the Movie Mark lifestyle to be all about flex, slugs, and rigamarole. What exactly does this mean? I'm glad you asked. Allow me to explain.

You, the reader, come to the Movie Mark to be entertained and educated by my movie reviews and insight on the entertainment community. Well, you probably come here to see if I'm giving out free movie passes, t-shirts, and posters, but that's beside the point. The bottom line is I wanted to create a section that would allow me to give you the scoop on movies, trailers, celebrities, etc. But I also want the section to be a place where I can lay the smack down on the stupidity we often see coming out of that weird little town in California. And I want to do that on a daily basis. Here's what you can expect...

FLEX - Oft times the section will be an exercise in flexing my brain muscles, intellectualizing what is wrong in ol' Tinsel Town. It'll give me the opportunity to take a strong stand against whatever I see wrong in today's entertainment world. Or perhaps I will provide you with discourse on proper moviegoing etiquette. I may make controversial statements at times that could potentially offend a few of you, but that's a chance we take in life when we voice intelligent opinions. We need to be forced to think a little on a daily basis.

SLUGS - Sometimes I'll just be in the mood to make fun of people, whether it's Tom Cruise's lack of height or Madonna's belief that she's raising her children in a moral household, there are just certain aspects of Hollywood and its inhabitants that need to be ridiculed. As you probably know, I have no problem taking shots at bad movies or silly actors. Plus, I want to give you the opportunity to respond to my thoughts. You will have the chance to slug back, if you will.

RIGAMAROLE - There are other times when I won't have anything all that meaningful to say. Perhaps I'll just post a link to a new trailer and give you my thoughts, or maybe I'll wax poetic about how cool John Schneider's hair looked on the previous night's Smallville. You never know what sort of rigamarole I'll be able to formulate an opinion regarding.

That's it in a nutshell. Like I said, I want to try to give you readers more of an opportunity to be involved and express your opinions. The concept and layout are quite simple. I hope to be able to introduce this on Friday, and when I do so, there will be more instructions on how you can respond. It won't be too hard to digest.

In the meantime, I'll try to have my reviews of Just Friends and The Ice Harvest ready tomorrow, along with a brand new Movie Mark original. It'll star Chuck Norris and Lorenzo Lamas, so I know you can't wait to find out about THAT.

November 29, 2005

On DVD This Week: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

"If you're looking for character development then you better keep on looking. Chances are you won't ever buy into the fact that you're supposed to be watching the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on screen. More likely you'll be thinking as I did, 'Hey, there's Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just having some fun!' But who cares? As long as it entertains then so be it. It doesn't really take itself seriously, so why should you?"

Special Features:

  • Commentary by director Doug Liman and screenwriter Simon Kinberg
  • Commentary by the crew
  • Commentary by producer Lucas Foster and producer Akiva Goldsman
  • 3 deleted scenes
  • Making a scene
This is a little weak on the special features, so I would recommend a rental rather than a purchase. Read my review of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and you'll see why I think the movie, while not great, is fun for a couple of hours of wastin' time.

November 28, 2005

Opening This Week

Aeon Flux

Aeon Flux (2500 screens) - Set 400 years in the future, Aeon Flux tells the story of a really hot secret agent from the country of Monica. She's mysterious and nothing much is known about her other than she looks really good in leather.

Disease has wiped out the majority of the earth's population except for the walled, protected city-state of Bregna. Aeon is sent on a mission to kill the government leader, and, naturally, she uncovers a world of secrets.

Verdict
The earliest I'll get to see this is Thursday night at 10:00 PM. I haven't been able to confirm whether or not Memphis is getting this late-night screening, but I'll find out soon enough. Will it be good? Dunno. It looks entertaining enough, and at the very least Charlize will certainly be enjoyable to look at for almost two hours.

November 25, 2005

Um, So About Those Reviews...

All right, so you're looking for my reviews of Just Friends and The Ice Harvest, right? Well, here's the deal...

  • Ate too much yesterday afternoon.
  • Played too many video games last night.
  • Got to Blockbuster at 8:00 AM to buy some 50% off DVDs this morning.
  • Headed to work.
  • Went to a funeral at 10:30.
  • I'm now leaving work early.
The bottom line? I just haven't been able to squeeze the reviews into my schedule. I'll have them done by sometime next week (if not Monday), but I'll reiterate:

Just Friends (3.75 marks) is great if you're in the mood for some mindless fun, and The Ice Harvest (2.5 marks) is one of this year's biggest disappointments.

Now sign up for your chance to win the Harry Potter contest if you have yet to do so. I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving. For those in other countries that don't celebrate our Thanksgiving, well, I hope you had a good Thursday.

November 24, 2005

CONTEST: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Who wants a chance to win a Harry Potter prize?? Here's what I have to offer:

GRAND PRIZE - 1 Hogwarts t-shirt
RUNNER-UP - 1 poster

All you have to do for your chance to win is enter the contest RIGHT HERE!

November 23, 2005

Review: Yours, Mine, and Ours

Yours, Mine, and Ours

"Were the writers even trying?" Stephanie asked me as Dennis Quaid got splattered with paint, fell in a pool of goo, and then tripped over a flatulent pig that, of course, eats at the family dinner table. "No, they weren't," I replied as I stared dumbfounded at the screen, shaking my head over the fact that the writers expect us to laugh about kids vomiting and then falling in it.

Johnny reviews the unfunny Yours, Mine, and Ours, starring Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. Avoid this even more than you avoid the bums downtown who beg you for alcohol money.

Update: Just Friends, The Ice Harvest, and Harry Potter

I didn't pay careful attention, and I just realized that Just Friends and The Ice Harvest open today rather than Friday. My reviews will be posted by Friday. But if you can't wait for my reviews then my advice is to skip The Ice Harvest (a HUGE disappointment), but check out Just Friends if you're in the mood for some mindless comedy.

Check back tomorrow for your chance to win Harry Potter prizes.

November 22, 2005

On DVD This Week: War of the Worlds

War of the Worlds

"So often when massive destruction is portrayed with people and debris and cars flying, something is just a little off. I think it's usually the speed that makes you think, 'Hmm, that is obviously a special effect.' However, in this movie, it all seemed real. The roads cracking, buildings splitting -- it was cool. The mob scenes gave me flashbacks to the awful experience Johnny, Mr. Shade, and I had at the Beale Street music festival."

Special Features:

  • Introduction by director Steven Spielberg
  • Production Diaries: East Coast (in 2 parts, covering the beginning of the invasion and the family in exile)
  • Production Diaries: West Coast (covering the alien destruction and war scenes)
  • Revisiting the Invasion with Spielberg and Tom Cruise
  • The H. G. Wells Legacy featurette
  • Steven Spielberg and the Original War of the Worlds (with Gene Barry and Ann Robinson, stars of the 1953 film version)
  • Characters: The Family Unit featurette
  • Pre-Visualization featurette
  • Scoring War of the Worlds featurette
  • We Are Not Alone featurette
  • Production notes
  • Stills and art galleries
I felt War of the Worlds (feel free to check out Stephanie's review) was a bit of a disappointment. The special effects are fantastic, and the first half of the movie sets a wonderfully tense tone, but then it fizzles out. The resolution, though somewhat faithful to the book, leaves the viewer with an incomplete, unsatisfied feeling. And Tom Cruise never gives us a character we can root for. He's qualified to portray a self-absorbed, tiny-legged fop of a man (since this is the image he presents of himself in real life as well), but his character's lack of likeability prevented me from ever wishing him the best. But it'll make a great rental. I just hope you have a nice surround sound system to fully enjoy it.

November 21, 2005

Opening This Week

Just Friends The Ice Harvest Yours, Mine, and Ours In the Mix Rent

Just Friends (2000+ screens) - Ryan Reynolds was fat in high school. The fact that he looked a little like SNL's androgynous Pat assured his unpopularity. He had a major crush on Amy Smart, but of course she merely loved him like a brother and wanted to be ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... just friends!

Well, flash forward 10 years and Reynolds is all buff and successful now. Will he and Amy realize they were meant for each other?

Verdict
I've already seen it, and it is one of the funniest comedies of the year. Totally over-the-top and ridiculous at times, but always daring you not to laugh at its self-aware stupidity. I enjoyed quite a few laugh-out-loud moments. Look for my review soon.


Yours, Mine, and Ours (3000 screens) - Dennis Quaid is a widowed Coast Guard Admiral with 8 children and Rene Russo is a widowed handbag designer who has 10 children. They fall in love, marry, and do a whole lot of unfunny stuff.

Verdict
Easily one of the 10 worst movies of the year. It should be titled Suck, Suck, and Suck. I didn't expect much from this one, but wow, I didn't expect it to be THAT painfully unfunny and predictable. If you go against my advice and see this then prepare to take a shower afterwards to get all the sap off of you. My review will be cruel, and you'll enjoy every minute of it.


The Ice Harvest (1400 screens) - A dim-bulb lawyer attempts a Christmas Eve crime, hoping to swindle the local mob out of some money. But his partner, a strip club owner, might have different plans for the cash.

Verdict
I'll see it tonight and will update you soon on its merits. I'm looking forward to it. John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton in a film noir comedy? It'll have to work hard to NOT succeed.


In the Mix (1400+ screens) - A DJ (Usher) inadvertently saves the life of a Mafia princess. Expect bad reviews to ensue.

Verdict
Want a little irony for your Monday morning? I'm a promo partner for In the Mix, but the studio is not letting ANY press attend, including me. That's what I like to call a bad sign. Not that I expected much more from a movie starring Usher. I could probably show up in disguise, but I'm pretty sure it's not worth it. Hey, for those of you who got a pass from me please let me know what you think. I'll post your thoughts right here on the Movie Mark and you can brag to all your friends about how famous you are. The Movie Mark has at least 8 readers (9 if I count myself) who'll see your work.


Rent (2100+ screens) - A film version of the musical. It has something to do with AIDS.

Verdict
I'll pass.

CONTEST: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Keep checking the Movie Mark this week for your chance to win a Hogwarts t-shirt and a Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire poster.

November 18, 2005

Review: Walk the Line

Walk the Line

"Another thing that a biography needs to succeed is an ability to condense one man's entire life into a two hour timeframe. How do you take the life of a country music legend and effectively tell a story of family turmoil, military service, music success, drugs, infidelity, and redemption all within such a short amount of time? I don't know, but I recommend you watch Walk the Line for an example of how it can be done."

Johnny reviews Walk the Line, starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter

"It may have been easier to accept Potter as a non-traditional hero had he not removed his shirt. Sure, a gaggle of teenage girls in the audience 'ooh-ed,' but the fact that Radcliffe's pasty white chest is sculpted with the musculature of a hummingbird only strengthened my opinion that he's not the type of 'hero' I love to cheer."

Johnny Betts reviews Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, starring all the same kids in the other Harry Potter movies.

Wait a minute! There's still more to come. Check back later this afternoon for my review of Walk the Line.

November 17, 2005

Trailer of the Week: Harrison Ford's Firewall

It's been a while since we've seen Harrison Ford deliver a good movie. Five years to be exact. What Lies Beneath is the last Ford vehicle that hasn't lulled me to sleep (K-19: The Widowmaker) or made me slowly shake my head in embarrassment (Hollywood Homicide). Well, if this trailer is any indication then Ford may be back in the game.

Harrison plays a security specialist who is forced into robbing the bank that he's protecting. Why? He has to pay off his family's ransom, of course. Check out the trailer RIGHT HERE and join me in hoping that Ford is indeed back to doing what he does best - overcoming peril and looking extremely angry that he is being forced to do so.

Goblet of Fire Review Pushed Back to Tomorrow

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have to delay my Harry Potter review until tomorrow. Don't worry, that just means Friday will be action-packed with a powerful combo of that and my Walk the Line review.

November 16, 2005

Movie Mark Original #10

A part of me really wanted to finish my Harry Potter review last night, but a bigger part of me was still too busy celebrating the Memphis Tigers' opening victory (I was there!) AND the fact that I just found out that I was a winner of an Xbox 360! For those of you who don't know, that means both Mr. Shade and I were winners in the Hex 168 contest! Thanks for all your votes! Thanks for bearing with my annoying overuse of exclamation marks!

But I'd like to send an even bigger thank you to Stephanie. She's the real winner here. We supplied her with ideas, but it was her graphical prowess that brought it all home. I won't be able to attend the Xbox 360 launch event because the entry was officially under Mrs. Shade's name, but since technically it was my and Stephanie's entry, Mr. Shade is giving us the 360. It's a good day. So, my plan is to post the Harry Potter review tomorrow and the Walk the Line review by Friday. However, I still have time to concoct other excuses so just stay tuned.

For now, please enjoy this Movie Mark Original, submitted by Laslo Hollyfeld...

Title: La Cucaracha del Diablo: The Devil's Cockroach
Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Lake Bell, and James Brolin

The Plot: A greedy and powerful industrialist (Brolin, AKA Mr. Streisand, AKA Josh's less talented father), is wiping out thousands of acres of Central American rainforest to set up a dangerous and illegal chemical plant. The waste products from the plant contaminate the surrounding areas, and begin to affect the local cockroach population adversely. Can our hero (Howell), a down-and-out adventurer, and a beautiful yet tough-as-nails anthropologist (Bell), stop the terror?

The Climactic Scene: As the mutated and voracious cockroaches weave their bloody path of destruction, Howell and Bell have trapped the giant mother roach in the chemical plant, as Brolin is trying to stop them from exposing his evil deeds. Brolin is eaten by the giant roach in a gory and disgusting manner, allowing him a really good death scene.

Just before blowing up the chemical plant, the giant roach, and what's left of Brolin, Howell turns to Bell, winks, and wryly says: "Let's smoke this roach!"

In the end, we all learn a valuable moral about the evils of chemicals and the destruction of the rainforests.

November 15, 2005

On DVD This Week: The Skeleton Key

Skeleton Key

"The Skeleton Key is an enjoyable film if, like me, you're willing to let yourself get sucked in by Kate Hudson and the creepy atmosphere. There's always something disturbing to be found amongst the bayous of Louisiana where people practice witchcraft and magic and rituals of conjure and sacrifice. Don't believe me? Then just head on down to New Orleans sometime and observe the freakshow. I guarantee you'll double check the lock on your hotel door at night. I can understand how some people will find this a bit slow-paced, but I liked how the movie lays out the mystery at the start and then deliberately follows it to its simple, yet cleverly logical ending."

Special Features:

  • Commentary by director Iain Softley
  • Deleted scenes with commentary by Softley
  • Behind the Locked Door - Making The Skeleton Key featurette
  • Casting The Skeleton Key featurette
  • Exploring Voodoo/Hoodoo - a featurette focusing on the history of hoodoo and the religion of voodoo
  • Blues in the Bayou music featurette
  • Plantation Life - a featurette focusing on the history of plantations
  • A House Called Felicity locations featurette
  • A ghost story by Kate Hudson
  • A love spell from Gena Rowlands
  • John Hurt reading a disturbing excerpt from the book Voices from Slavery
  • Recipes
Rent The Skeleton Key and watch it late Friday or Saturday night. Put the kids to bed, salt the popcorn, chill the Dr. Pepper, heat up the fire, and enjoy. First, you may want to read my review to verify its artistic merit.

On DVD This Week: Stealth

Stealth

"Stealth is one of those Summer movies whose music is loud, its explosions are even louder, and its screams of 'I HAVE NO REAL STORY!' are the loudest.

But what else do you expect from Rob Cohen, the director who brought us The Fast and the Furious and XXX? If you dare answer, 'Hitchcockian suspense and Capra-esque storytelling,' then you truly deserve any slaps in the face that you receive today."

Special Features:

  • 3-part filmmaker's diary featurette Harnessing Speed
  • Interactive scene deconstructions of two action scenes
  • Multi-angle scene breakdowns of 2 scenes
  • The Music of Stealth featurette
  • A music video
Is Stealth worth a rental? It is if you love Jessica Biel and own a Surround Sound system that will let you fully enjoy the special effects. This is mindless entertainment personified. Anybody desiring a juicy story to wrap his or her brain around will need to look elsewhere. More insightful (in my biased mind) analysis can be found in my review.

November 14, 2005

Opening This Week

Harry Potter Walk the Line

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (3800+ screens) - Harry finds himself selected as an underaged competitor in a dangerous multi-wizardry school competition.

Verdict
I saw this yesterday, and I have a feeling that reviewing it will be an exercise in extreme futility. I've made it no secret that I'm not a huge Harry Potter fan. I just find it hard to root for a boy who resembles a more bird-like version of Rachel Dratch (if that's possible). Most the people at the screening loved the movie, and it'll make about $400 million on opening day, so do I even bother posting my honest thoughts and risk alienating some of you dear readers? Of course. I'm Johnny Betts, that's what I do.

There are some girls who professed their undying love to me yesterday at the screening because I gave them passes to see Usher's In the Mix. I couldn't help but notice they loved the movie. Ladies, please don't hate me when I make fun of Daniel Radcliffe's pasty white chest in my upcoming review. It's all in good fun. I promise to at least post some interesting info from the press notes!


Walk the Line (2900 screens) - The story of Johnny Cash's life! DUH!

Verdict
I'll see this one either today or Wednesday. It'll probably be today because it looks like my softball game will be rained out. I'm looking forward to it and can't wait to recognize all the Memphis locales. Do I regret turning down an opportunity to be an extra in the prison scene? I don't know. I'll wait until I see the scene first. If it involves some awkward shower shenanigans then I'll definitely know I made the right decision.

Also This Week...

I'm determined to finish my Best Buy article. Over the next few weeks (and probably months) keep an eye out for slight improvements to the Movie Mark. My first task is making my review section more organized. I'm going to set it up so that you can search for my reviews by genre, rating, author, or alphabetically. I know you're extremely excited.

November 11, 2005

Dear Ryan Reynolds: I'm Sorry

Just Friends You may recall that earlier this week I took a small jab at Ryan Reynolds and his sometimes forced comedic delivery. Well, last night I saw a screening of his new romantic comedy Just Friends, and I have to say that he has redeemed himself. The movie doesn't open for two more weeks so you'll have to wait for my full review, but I'll tell you that I found it to be quite hilarious.

Reynolds owned the screen and showed that he has some definite comic potential. If you don't belly laugh at his lip-synching to All-4-One's I Swear or if the mockery of The Notebook doesn't elicit at least a couple of healthy guffaws then I must seriously question your ability to let yourself be entertained.

Review: Zathura

Zathura

"As I alluded to earlier, this should play well with children in the 10-year-old range, but I just wasn't feelin' it. I should also caution parents that you might want to think twice before taking your really young ones. It's a little scary for the wee tots. Mr. Shade's 3-year-old daughter said she wanted to go home at least four times. Of course, Mr. Shade's selfishness prevented that from happening. We can only hope poor Baby Shade isn't scarred for life."

I know, I said I probably wouldn't go to the Zathura screening. Oh well, I changed my mind. I wish I hadn't; but I did. My Best Buy rant will have to wait. But hey, that just gives you something to look forward to! I present my Zathura review for your reading pleasure.

November 10, 2005

Review: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Kiss Kiss

"The term 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang' was first coined in the 1960s by the Japanese press as a nickname for James Bond. Director Shane Black loved the term and chose it as the movie's title because, 'it so clearly represented what this film is.'

And what exactly is this film? Good question. For starters, it's original. It's a nice change of pace from all of the sequels and remakes we've been inundated with recently. I needed this breath of fresh air after being blind-sided by the news that a remake of Robocop might be on its way."

Johnny reviews Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang starring Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer.

November 9, 2005

Movie Mark Original #9

Title: The Young Spiders
Tagline: Most men wanted to tame the West. He just wanted to tame some spiders.
Cast: Ty Miller

Beardo Synopsis: It's 1860, and a rugged frontiersman, Beardo (Miller), decides to start up his own Pony Express Supply Store and Waystation. After a rash of deaths to horses and riders is tied directly to supplies bought from Beardo's store, the magnificently bearded one must set out to prove his innocence. Amidst his research he discovers that the deadly Banana spider was brought to his store via some supplies he had shipped to him from Australia.

Beardo further discovers that the Banana spider has been reproducing, and her baby spiders have infiltrated his supplies, killing the riders and horses with their deadly venom. Beardo must reluctantly entangle himself in a deadly struggle to not only eliminate the mama spider but also to hunt down and kill all of the ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... young spiders. But is there more to the story? Did someone intentionally plant the Banana spider in the supplies? Join Beardo as he gets involved in a WEB of deceit and Wild West adventure like you've never seen before!

Trailer of the Week: The Break Up

Thanks to his dry, matter-of-fact comedic delivery, Vince Vaughn has turned me into a big fan of his in the last couple of years. Whether he's the lead or a supporting character, he just has a knack for stealing scenes. I like the fact that his delivery seems natural, never forced (Ryan Reynolds, take note). Judging by the trailer, his upcoming The Break Up with Jennifer Aniston looks to be yet another winner. He and Aniston play a couple going through a divorce who, through circumstances unbeknownst to me, are forced to live together for a while longer. Hijinks and shenanigans are guaranteed to ensue.

Check out this page to watch the trailer. The Break Up will be released on February 17, 2006.

November 8, 2005

On DVD This Week: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

"Visually the movie looks great, the storytelling is smooth and presents an interesting morality tale, Freddie Highmore is quite good as Charlie Bucket (the only non-annoying kid in the movie), and the chocolate world looks realistic enough that I was seriously craving candy while watching it.

But on the flip side, the movie ran a little slow in parts, Willy Wonka had a tendency to be too weird for what seemed like the sake of just being weird, and I didn't care for the Oompa Loompas."

Special Features (2-Disc Deluxe Edition):

  • The Fantastic Mr. Dahl: Learn about Dahl's life story and extraordinary body of work
  • Challenges: Oompa-Loompa Dance Machine, The Inventing Machine, The Bad Nut, Search for the Golden Ticket
  • Attack of the Squirrels: See how they trained live squirrels to perform in the film
  • Five making-of featurettes
  • Becoming Oompa-Loompa: See how one actor, Deep Roy, was turned into a multi-talented army of Oompas
  • Pack of 5 limited-edition trading cards
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of those movies that I found moderately entertaining, but I have no real need to see it again. If you held off on seeing this at the theater then it will make for a decent rental, especially if your curiosity has gotten the better of you.

Also on DVD this week:

The Devil's Rejects - I haven't seen it, but I hear it's mucho violent. You probably don't need me to tell you if you fall in this movie's target audience.

It comes with plenty of special features. According to IMDb: 2 commentary tracks (one by director Rob Zombie, the other by actors Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, and Sheri Moon Zombie), deleted scenes, a blooper reel, make-up tests, the complete commercial and talk-show segments seen in the film, a tribute to actor Matthew McGrory (who plays Tiny Firefly and died in 2005), still gallery, music video, TV spots and the trailer. The Unrated 2-disc edition also features the 144 minute documentary 30 Days in Hell: The Making of The Devil's Rejects.

Christmas with the Kranks is also being released this week. It's another Tim Allen Christmas movie. That's pretty much all you need to know.

November 7, 2005

Opening This Week

Zathura Derailed Kiss Kiss Get Rich or Die Trying

Zathura (3000+ screens) - Two young brothers are drawn into an intergalactic adventure when their house is magically hurtled through space. It's a sequel to 1995's Jumanji and is based on the book Zathura by children's author Chris Van Allsburg.

Verdict
I'm sure this might be a modestly entertaining kid's movie, but I just don't know if it's my style. There is a screening on Wednesday, but it's at the Ridgeway Theater which I like to affectionately call "the worst theater in Memphis." If you love to watch your movies in the comfort of chairs that seem to be falling into a sinkhole, all while being bombarded with a strong, musty smell then you might just have a good time at Ridgeway. Don't forget to bring your binoculars though because for some reason the distance between the screen and the back row is approximately 200 yards.

Jumanji was OK, but I've never once in my life said, "Man, I sure wish they'd make a sequel to THAT!" So as it stands I might pass on this one, especially since I'll be screening two other movies.


Derailed (2150 screens) - Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston are married business executives who are having an affair. When they are blackmailed by a violent criminal they have to find a way to turn the tables on him to save their families. I'd expect a little chaos, but don't count on much originality.

Verdict
Is anybody else sick of hearing how this is "JENNIFER ANISTON'S FIRST DRAMATIC ROLE"?? Yeah, we get it already! Sheesh. I'm kind of interested in this, but since it doesn't look like there'll be a screening of it in Memphis my interest will have to remain on hold until the DVD comes out. That's right, my interest is more of the $4 variety rather than the $7/person version.


Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (170+ screens) - A murder mystery brings together a private eye (Val Kilmer), a struggling actress (Michelle Monaghan), and a thief masquerading as an actor (Robert Downey Jr.).

Verdict
This has already been released to a small amount of theaters, and while it is expanding to a few more theaters this weekend it still might not be coming to an area near you. Oh well, all I know is I get to see it for free on Tuesday so BOOYA! It has some positive buzz behind it, and I like the idea of a comedic murder mystery. I'm looking forward to it, so keep an eye out for my review to see if it lived up to my expectations.

Val Kilmer may have put on a few pounds since his Doc Holliday days, but he still knows how to get the job done. Except for the train wreck that was Alexander. We'll just pretend that never happened.


Get Rich or Die Tryin' (1500 screens) - A tale of an inner city drug dealer who turns away from crime to pursue his passion, rap music.

Verdict
I didn't go see this the first time it was released when it was called Hustle & Flow, so what makes you think I want to go see it now? Oh, sorry, Hustle & Flow dealt with a pimp turning his life around with rap. This has to do with a drug dealer turning his life around with rap. Two totally different stories. My bad.

The screening is tonight, but I have a softball game and won't be able to attend. That's OK, because "see 50 Cent star in a movie" is nowhere to be found on my "things to do before I die" list. I can safely predict that I won't be paying to see this at the theater either. The moral of the story? Don't hold your breath for a review.

Also Coming This Week

I'll tell you what, I've had some people asking when I'm going to pitch another idea for a Movie Mark Original, so I'll do that this week. Also, it's high time that I tell y'all about my Best Buy confrontation and how membership doesn't always have its privileges. Stay tuned for that. It's been a while since I've gone on a rant, so I'm due...

November 4, 2005

Don't Forget to Help Johnny and Friends Win Xbox 360s!

Scan down to yesterday's news if you need the full details on this contest. We've added another entry. So if you haven't done so then please vote a big fat 10 for the following four entries:

Johnny's X-Files Inspired Entry
Stephanie's Entry from a photo we took in Mexico
Mr. Shade getting caught in a S'more storm
Ominous signs at the Mexican border

Your help is appreciated.

Review: Jarhead

Jarhead

"I hesitate to call Jarhead a 'war movie' because it has little to do with the actual war. It focuses more on how the soldiers try to fight their boredom while waiting for some action. This is an interesting take ... up to a point. But after a while the audience starts to become as frustrated as the Marines. These guys want to kill. They trained to kill! An exasperated Gyllenhaal even asks, 'Are we ever going to get to kill anybody?' I was wondering the same thing. I wanted to see a little fighting. Maybe a cool sniper kill or two. Just like the soldiers, I wanted some release."

Johnny reviews Jarhead, starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Jamie Foxx, and Peter Sarsgaard.

Review: Chicken Little

Chicken Little

"There is a severe overabundance of musical montages (AKA substitutes for creative writing and clever dialogue). The most intellectually insulting is a Karaoke scene involving the Spice Girls' If You Wanna be my Lover - IN ITS ENTIRETY! I saw a couple of 3-year-olds wigglin' in their seats, but I looked around the theater and saw some major looks of disgust plastered on the parents' faces."

Johnny reviews Chicken Little. Sorry folks, but this just doesn't appeal to all ages. Granted, this is Disney's first attempt at a fully computer-animated film, but let's hope they try to learn a lesson or two from Pixar about breaking down age barriers.

Stay tuned ... my Jarhead review is still to come...

November 3, 2005

Help Johnny Win an Xbox 360!

Dear readers, I am calling on all you fine Movie Marks to help out Stephanie, Mr. Shade, and me.

Microsoft is running a marketing promotion for the Xbox 360. The theme is that there is a force called "Hex 168" that motivates bizarre and odd moments. The contest involves submitting photographic evidence of Hex 168's existence. In other words, be creative and doctor some pictures! Stephanie, Mr. Shade, and I have put together the following, and we'd appreciate it if you'd go to the following three links and vote a 10 for all of them! Help us bring home some free Xbox 360s!

Trust me, when you see some of the other embarrassing entries you'll agree that ours deserve to win. A big thanks to Stephanie for all the graphic design work she did on these. So please head to the following three links and show us a little love:

Johnny's X-Files Inspired Entry
Stephanie's Entry from a photo we took in Mexico
Mr. Shade getting caught in a S'more storm

Tell friends and family! We appreciate your help. As a gesture of my appreciation I promise to continue to give you the absolute best movie reviews and information on the web. Um, OK, I promise I'll start to TRY to give you that...

Chicken Little in 3-D

Chicken Little I'll post my review of Chicken Little tomorrow, and while it won't be flooded with praise, if you do insist on seeing it then you'll probably want to see it in 3-D if you can. If you're interested in reading the full press release then right here and have fun.

The 3-D version is only opening on a total of 84 specially-selected, high-profile theatres in 25 top markets. Memphians might be interested to know that we have been chosen as one of the markets. The movie will be shown on Paradiso's digital screen.

If you want to know if your city will be showing a 3-D version of Chicken Little then check out this list to see if you made the cut.

Coming Tomorrow...

In addition to my Chicken Little review, I'll also post my review of Jarhead. Plus, and this is the most exciting thing, I'll tell you how to help me win an Xbox 360! Stephanie put a lot of effort in making a couple of images that we're submitting for a contest, so I'll be calling on all Movie Mark readers to help Johnny bring home that new video game system! Check back tomorrow for full details on exactly how you can help.

November 2, 2005

Disappointment of the Week: Dead End

Dead End Always on the search for legitimately scary movies, Steph and I joined the Shades this past weekend for a little Halloween movie party. One of our rentals was a low budget, independent horror movie called Dead End. It grabbed my attention after I read a ton of positive reviews on a wide variety of horror websites. Even the user reviews on IMDb were quite favorable, talking about how scary this was.

The only thing scary about it is how people actually thought it was scary. The plot summary is fairly decent: It's Christmas Eve and Frank Harrington is driving his dysfunctional family to the in-laws' for the Holidays. For the first time in over 20 years Frank decides to get off the Interstate and try a shortcut. It should come as no shock to anybody who has ever seen a horror movie that, much like renting this movie, this turns out to be a huge mistake.

There are some decent horror elements here (a baby crying on the radio, random objects appearing on the road, keeping things in the shadows), but the execution of these elements is horrible. Everybody is just too stupid and laughable for there to ever be any real tension or eerie atmosphere. Stephanie was asleep within 10 minutes and Mrs. Shade wanted to go to bed but Mr. Shade forced her to stay and watch.

I will have to admit that we were entertained by some of the "so bad it's funny" moments, particularly whenever Frank (Ray Wise) would ham it up and yell at his family, "They say this time is about the spirit of giving, well, to be honest, I'm tired of giving a @%#$!" I think we were actually supposed to take that line seriously!

There was a total of ONE jump scene and no truly frightening moments. The websites praising how scary this movie is must have agreed to do so only after getting a bunch of cool free stuff. I can think of no other reason. Sure, there is some unintentional humor here, but if you're looking for something to really creep you out then Dead End will be a huge disappointment. Movies like this are fine when they have a 1.2 rating on IMdb and we rent it for the sole purpose of ridiculing it. The problem is this has a 6.7 rating and received some pretty decent reviews. When you're expecting to be scared and the fear factor is on about the same level as Troll 2, well, it can create quite the shell shock.

Bad Music of the Week: My Humps

Are you kidding me? THIS is what gets played on the radio these days? I can't use the scan feature anymore because it's guaranteed to briefly stop on at least two stations playing this horrid Black Eyed Peas song. It's bad enough that Fergie "sings" "my hump" about 27 times in a row, but check out these actual lyrics: "I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff, Milky, milky cocoa, Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight." I'll let that sink in for a second...

SHUT UP! SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP THIS! There are legitimate songwriters out there who must cry their eyes out when they realize what a severe lack of talent it takes to actually make it in the music business. It's just sad. Not only is the song ridiculously annoying, BUT IT'S ALSO RIDICULOUSLY NOT SEXY! Who on earth could possibly think that referring to body parts as humps and lumps is appealing?

If somebody had come to me when I was single and said, "Hey Johnny, I'm going to set you up with a really sweet girl. She's got a great hump in the back and a couple of lovely lady lumps in the front," I'd think she was a hunchback with breast cancer!!! Unbelievable.

You know what; I'm going to make up my own song called "My Bump." There, that should go platinum within a couple of weeks. "Gonna slow you down with my speed bump." Man, that's an awesome line. That took me all of 3 seconds to come up with, so it's a guaranteed seller!

Is there any wonder why I prefer to listen to CDs and just leave the radio alone?

November 1, 2005

DVD Pick of the Week: Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Star Wars Episode III

"Revenge of the Sith is absolutely the most visually impressive movie I have ever seen at the theater, and the last 20 minutes or so are probably the most fun and exciting minutes I can remember experiencing on the big screen. I know that's a grand statement, but it's how I felt. For me, this is what movies are all about - the creation of a realistic world outside of my own that I get totally drawn into. Minor flaws such as awkward expressions of young love matter not because you know a really cool lightsaber battle is coming up, and really, that's what matters most.

If you can't have fun with a movie like this then I hope your family has already made the funeral arrangements because you simply have no pulse."

Special Features:

  • Commentary by writer-director George Lucas, producer Rick McCallum, animation director Rob Coleman, and ILM visual effects supervisors John Knoll and Roger Guyett
  • Exclusive deleted scenes with introductions by George Lucas and Rick McCallum
  • "Within a Minute" documentary film about the making of the Mustafar battle
  • "The Chosen One" featurette: George Lucas traces the myth of Darth Vader through episodes 1-6
  • "It's All for Real: The Stunts of Episode III"
  • A 15-part collection of Lucasfilm's Web documentaries
  • Star Wars Battlefront II trailer and Xbox game demo
  • Star Wars Empire at War PC game trailer
  • "A Hero Falls" music video
  • Poster and print campaign
  • Trailers and TV spots
  • Never-before-seen production photo gallery
  • DVD-ROM content includes a free trial of Hyperspace, the ultimate online Star Wars experience
This 2-disc set is chock full of extras, and I can't wait to absorb all of it. Yeah, I marked out big time for this movie, but we're all allowed one or two fanboy moments a year before we can be considered weird. Feel free to read my review of Revenge of the Sith for more of my thoughts, or just go ahead and pick up the DVD. It's definitely an essential.

Trailer of the Week: Wolf Creek

There has been some recent discussion on THE MOVIE MARK MESSAGE BOARD about the Australian film Wolf Creek. It's getting fairly positive reviews, but Australian Ann, a long-time cohort of mine, claims several people in Sydney walked out because of the brutal violence.

The plot is pretty basic - three road-trippers in remote (of course) Australia get lost and then find themselves in a whole heap of trouble when they accept help from a "friendly" local. The trailer and website claim it's "based on a true story." This is probably movie-speak for "There's at least one element of truth and the rest is fictionalized like crazy." But hey, I'm a sucker for these movies. Unfortunately, I'm disappointed more times than not, but I keep going back with the hopes that one will eventually deliver.

The official U.S. release date is January 6, 2006. You can access the trailer by clicking RIGHT HERE. It definitely has a low budget feel, but there looks to be potential. I'm a little gun-shy though. Dead End also looked to have potential and the fumes of its inexplicable positive reviews convinced my friends and me to rent it this past weekend. I'll address that issue later this week when I officially reveal Dead End as the Movie Mark Disappointment of the Week (a new segment that I'll start and probably neglect after about three weeks).

Cool, I was just informed that the above paragraph won the Internet Award for "Most Uses of the Word 'Week' in a Single Paragraph." I think I'll create an "awards" section like all those cheesy websites that brag about the "awards" their site has won. You go to that section and see a bunch of crap like "Mr. Shade's Favorite Website that was Created by One of his Friends." Prestigious.

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Hancock

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The Incredible Hulk

The Strangers

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Young at Heart

Iron Man

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed



Weekend Results:

1. The Dark Knight($158,411,483)

2. Mamma Mia!($27,751,240)

3. Hancock($14,040,178)

4. Journey to the Center of the Earth($12,340,435)

5. Hellboy 2($10,117,815)