BREAKING NEWS - NOVEMBER 2006
November 30, 2006
NEW TRAILER: The Dead Girl
Josh Brolin's new movie The Dead Girl made enough of a splash at the recent AFI Fest that it picked
up a nomination for Best Feature by the Independent Spirit Awards - an awards ceremony honoring the best
in independent films. I have no doubt that Josh's performance helped really bring home the nomination, but
I'm sure the Movie Mark's promotion of the film also played a part. Hollywood won't tell you that, but my
seven readers and I all know the truth.
There's a new trailer for the movie, and I like it more than the first. There's still a severe lack of
Josh footage. However, if you pause it at the 2:01 mark and you're obsessed enough then you can see Josh
in the driver's side of a truck. Why are you looking at me like that??
To see the new trailer just follow
this link
and then click on "EXCLUSIVE - Trailer No. 2" for all the action.
The Brolin Identities
It seems that James Brolin, the less-talented father of Josh, also had a movie premiere at the AFI Fest.
AFI FEST Daily News had a few questions for him, and since I couldn't care less about questions dealing
solely with him, here are the ones specifically related to Josh, his more-talented son.
I have added my own comments for comedic effect.
AFI FEST Daily News: Have you seen (your son) Josh's film, the harrowing
drama THE DEAD GIRL (also at AFI FEST 2006), in which he plays the tattooed cocaine-abusing lowlife?
James: No, I have not seen Josh's performance in THE DEAD GIRL, or much else that
he's done in a couple of years.
Johnny: Wow, some father you are.
James: Josh is very private about his work, and I sense that when he's done with a
character, he flushes it down the toilet and steps beyond it.
Johnny: Or is that his imitation of what Michael "Kramer" Richards just did with
his career?
James: Many times I have discovered his work by search or by accident. Neither
of us likes public display, only the successful love of our jobs. We do have that in common.
Johnny: Does anybody else chuckle at the thought of James having to look Josh
up on IMDb to see what he's working on?
AFI FEST Daily News: Josh seems to take great pains to go from one extreme to the
other in his roles, versatility-wise. What are your thoughts as to how he has built his career?
James: I have only had one bit of advice to young artistic performers. That is:
start your own university, and graduate magna cum laude.
I told Josh the same thing a long time ago. Rely on no one. It's up to you! If those thoughts sap your
energy, find something else.
Josh started his career 24 years ago, pretty much on his own. Living in LA at the time, I told him about a
seven-day, late-night film training school that I had hung out at 20 years earlier. He disappeared every
night after that, studying his [butt] off.
When he became emancipated, he headed for New York and Paris to study French literature, poetry and
stagecraft. I was lucky enough to catch his stage work at the Giva Theater Summer Stock in Rochester. On
stage he was someone else I didn't know.
He is a committed studying fool when it comes to his craft, and it [ticks] him off to be distracted from
his missions.
AFI FEST Daily News: Is there a role of his that you could have seen yourself
play at a similar point in your career?
James: No, we laugh at each other's character concepts. The fun of morphing into
something semi-recognizable has always attracted both of us. It always starts as a joke before we start
looking at it as a real movie or stage character.
We both have the tackiest sense of humor, as does our extended family. Too irreverent to discuss here. We
did do the first Turner Network film ever shot together, and we had our moments.
AFI FEST Daily News: Do you ever ask for Josh's thoughts about potential
projects?
James: The same goes with Josh. I will call and ask him directly sometimes about
projects and characters (and) he'll give me his thoughts. Filled with new info, I go off and listen to my
gut, as he does.
We're all pretty opinionated and are good at making our own concrete decisions. It's indecision that always
causes unrest. You decide, then you win some and you lose some.
It's all an educated crap shoot in this business.
Johnny: And your gut told you that Category 7: The End of the World was
a good idea?
AFI FEST Daily News: Will you be going to each other's premieres at AFI FEST?
James: I have just returned from Sarajevo and Croatia shooting Miramax's SPRING
BREAK IN BOSNIA with Richard Gere and Terrence Howard.
And stopping at Philadelphia, I have joined up with my wife's (Barbra Streisand) concert tour, as the
lackey, till November 21. I am a great husband.
If Josh's premiere is after that date, I'm in. But I'm sending him my tickets to my premiere, to take his
lady (Diane Lane).
See, we are married to two great dames. Period.
Johnny: Well, Josh is. In your case, James, I think you meant "Great Dane."
Exclamation point. Thank you, and I'm outta here...
Coastlines on DVD
Just a little more J Bro news (that's what the hipsters are calling Josh. OK, not really) - his movie
Coastlines will be released on DVD on February 6, 2007. That's THREE DAYS before my birthday.
Now before every single one of you puts in a pre-order to say "Happy birthday and thank you Johnny for
all of your hard work" you might want to email me. I could draw a name to see who will be the one to get
it for me or something. Whatever y'all prefer.
Freaks and Geeks Reunion - Sort Of
No, they're not making a movie or anything like that, but Seth Rogen (who played freak Ken Miller) and
James Franco (who played fellow freak Daniel Desario) are joining forces on The Pineapple Express,
a movie penned by Rogen that Variety is calling "a screwball comedy." The only details revealed so far
is that it follows two stoners (Rogen and Franco, I'm guessing) who get mixed up with a drug gang.
Franco and Rogen had great comedic chemistry on Freaks and Geeks, so I'm looking forward to this one.
What's that you say? You still haven't seen Freaks and Geeks? Well, quit being lame! It's
available on DVD, you
know?
A Note on Richard Simmons
Is it just me, or is Richard Simmons just a little too chubby and void of muscle to be considered an
exercise guru? That's something I haven't understood for the past few years and I felt it needed to be
verbalized.
And please, Simmons, for all that is sacred and decent in this world, put some pants on. Those short shorts
are beyond disturbing.
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November 29, 2006
MINI REVIEW: My Date with Drew
If you'll recall my recent Blockbuster incident
then you should remember that the end result was my purchase of the documentary My Date with Drew.
Well, I'm happy to report that it was a worthy transaction (though Blockbuster's handling of the
situation is still uncalled for).
The premise is some regular dude is broke, has no job, and has had a crush on Drew Barrymore since the 2nd
grade. After winning $1100 on the game show Taboo (where the winning answer just happened to be "Drew
Barrymore"), dude takes this as a sign that he should attempt to win a date with her.
He wants to create a documentary chronicling the quest, but he can't afford to buy a video camera. However,
Circuit City has a 30-day return policy, so he decides to take advantage. He now has 30 days and $1100
to try to get that date.
The results are funny, very entertaining, and even inspirational. My main complaint is that the guy started
with quite a few connections. He's already living in L.A. and the pattern was always the same - he'd know
somebody who worked on a movie with somebody who knew Drew, or he knew somebody who knew Drew's hairstylist,
or he knew somebody who knew the Charlie's Angels screenwriter, etc. So it isn't exactly
the equivalent of me sitting in Memphis suddenly deciding that I was going to get a date with Jennifer
Love Hewitt, but it's still fun to watch.
It gives hope to all the dreamers out there, and as Eddie Wilson from Eddie and the Cruisers would say,
"the world needs dreamers."
In fact, I'm inspired to go after that JLH date now. I think I'll call it My Stalking with Jennifer
Love Hewitt. I'll let y'all know when I get arrested for camping out on her front lawn. Anybody out
there got connections who can give me the hook up? Let's make this work.
When Hollywood and Reality Don't Mesh Part 2
How many of you remember the blight on Hollywood history known as Jamie Walters? Those of you with
distinguished tastes will remember him from his two-episode stint as Frank James on The Young Riders.
Others will remember him as some dude on Beverly Hills 90210. But the absolute worst mark he left on
the industry was his band and show called The Heights. That bad idea gave us one of history's
all time gayest songs - How Do You Talk to an Angel.
I heard it on the radio just yesterday! Sheesh. At least that's what inspired this little story.
The song was released in 1992 - my junior year of high school. I can't remember which came first, the show
or the song, but I know the song really took off after it was performed on the show. Now I know a lot of
you ladies reading this probably liked the song at one time, but come on, it's been 14 years. You're wiser
now, and it's time to let it go.
But at the time it was inexplicably making all the teenage girls swoon. Well, there was a kid on the baseball
team named TJ who was a sophomore. I don't mind telling this story because TJ was a class-A
jerk. He's the kid who is 5'6" but undeservedly has the attitude of someone who is 6'5". He'd walk around
in his neon blue polo shirts and penny loafers with no socks, bragging about how he was gonna play in the
Major Leagues one day. Yeah, TJ, how'd that work out for ya?
He was also the guy on the team who refused to dive for baseballs and didn't want to slide because he
might get dirt stains on his starched white pants or he may get a cut or ruffle his perfectly combed arm
air. None of us could stand the guy.
Anyway, one day the kid decided to ask out Keeley Rogers. No, that's not misspelled. Her name was "Keeley,"
not "Kelley." So what does he do? He calls her house, gets the answering machine, and leaves a message. The
message started with How Do You Talk to an Angel. The song played for a few seconds, and immediately
after the chorus the song stops and you hear TJ's voice say, "Keeley, how DO you talk to an angel? I wish I
knew so I could properly ask you out."
Well, thank goodness Keeley had the good sense to bring that tape to school the next day and play it for
anybody who wanted to listen because that's some serious entertainment right there. News spread quickly,
and by 2:30 and the start of baseball practice, EVERYBODY on the baseball team knew the story.
It was beautiful. The plans were in motion. Nobody said anything at practice, and TJ was quiet and never
said a word. We figured we'd let it sit for a day and give TJ the impression that the situation would
quietly go away without us ever bringing it up.
24 hours later was when it all went down. Somebody managed to record the song from the radio that night
and brought his tape player. So at 2:30 the next day we were all sitting in the locker room just waiting
for TJ to arrive. We had a point man stand outside the locker room door so he could run in and let us know
when TJ was coming.
Once we received word, we got set. TJ walked in, somebody pressed the play button, and HOW DO YOU TALK TO
AN ANGEL blares from the speakers. The look of rage and embarrassment on TJ's face was priceless. The
team howled with laughter. Our season was made.
The rest of the year consisted of players randomly going up to TJ and saying things like, "Hey TJ, quick
question - how do you talk to an angel?" or "TJ, I was just wondering how one would go about talking to an
angel. Any ideas?" This was ALWAYS followed by a locker room or dugout full of laughter and
under-the-breath mumbling by ol' Timothy James.
Don't waste your time feeling sorry for the guy. Like I said, he's the high school kid all of us wanted
to punch - kind of a male version of Paris Hilton. That description should make you feel a little better
about laughing at his plight.
So for any of you kids reading this right now, please take it to heart. If you hear some new trendy love
song on The O.C. or Laguna Beach or whatever teen dramas y'all are watching these days then
please don't think it's a good idea to call someone and play the song for them assuming they'll melt and
throw themselves at you.
Chances are they'll share the story with all their friends and you'll be nothing more than a laughing stock
and another shining example of how Hollywood and reality don't mesh.
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November 28, 2006
On DVD this Week
There are two "big" releases this week. I recommend one; I don't come close to recommending the other.
Unless you're five. Check out my DVD preview page for more
details.
More Series Implementing an Actor's Name
I'm starting to feel sorry for Tim Daly. Ever since the cancellation of Wings, the guy has just not
been able to find a series that will stick, despite the fact that the shows have actually been fairly decent.
The Fugitive lasted one season, Eyes lasted about three episodes, and now The Nine is
hanging on for dear life.
Well, where does everybody else turn when primetime television just isn't working for them any more?
That's right - a morning talk show. So ladies and gentleman, I propose...
A Daly Cup of Coffee with Tim Daly
This is gold. He could have celebrities come on and talk about their favorite types of coffee, their
thoughts on iced coffee, their favorite coffee cafes, etc. Plus, it'll be one less time slot available
for Tony Danza to attempt to get another show.
I was also gonna help out Daly's Wings alum Steven Webber (whose "leading man offers" cup ain't
exactly overflowing), but a romantic comedy called Webb-ev-er You Go, I'll Be There just sounds
way too stupid for even me to suggest.
Coming Tomorrow
A mini review of My Date with Drew and another example of when movies and reality don't mesh.
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November 27, 2006
Movie Mark Movie Tie-In #3
An explanation of Movie Mark Tie-Ins can be found HERE!
Title: Baristas
Tagline: They're living life in the espresso lane.
Synopsis: A group of Starbucks employees head to Brazil to find the perfect coffee
bean. However, when they discover that the Brazilian blends hold an ominous secret, they realize they have
more to contend with than just a caffeine addiction...
Signature Quote: The killer always dispatches his victims in a similar manner.
When a barista asks for his order he responds, "A grande mocha." Then when they ask, "With whip cream?"
he responds, "With your blood," and finishes them off.
Don't complain. This is a tie-in, and I'm lazy - it's not supposed to be GOOD.
This Week's Releases
Turistas - Will this be another run-of-the-mill horror flick designed to attract
enough teenagers to cover the budget during opening weekend? I'll find out on Tuesday.
The Nativity Story - Hmm, following Mary and Joseph's life prior to Jesus' birth?
Sounds like an interesting take on the Christmas Story. Unfortunately, I was out of town during last week's
screenings, and I won't be able to attend this week's screening either (have to go to Turistas instead).
However, we will have a guest reviewer. Stay tuned.
Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj - Why on earth is this not direct-to-DVD? And why
use the "Van Wilder" name when Ryan "Van Wilder" Reynolds isn't even in it? You know what I think the movie
should be called? Van Wilder 2: The Rise of People from Their Seats as They Leave the Theater Because of
How Crappy This Movie Is. BWAHAHAHAHA!
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November 24, 2006
REVIEW: Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny
"Sorry, but I just don't guffaw down the aisle in maniacal fits of laughter because somebody knows how to write
songs that incorporate "f" bombs about every third word. Nor do I doff the ol' laughter hat at non-stop
references to male genitalia."
Johnny Betts reviews Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny, starring
Jack Black and Kyle Gass.
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November 23, 2006
REVIEW: Déjà Vu
"Combining strong acting, exciting action, several moments of unforced humor, and an intriguing
watch-the-pieces-of-the-puzzle-fall-into-place sci-fi plot, Déjà Vu
delivers a good old-fashioned dose of escapism."
Johnny Betts reviews Déjà Vu, starring Denzel Washington, Val
Kilmer, James Caviezel, and Paula Patton.
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November 22, 2006
Quick Update...
I'm still distraught over my Tigers' loss to the Georgia Tech Yellowjackets (I won't tell you what I really
call them) last night, plus, Hollywood decided to screw with my schedule by releasing all of this week's
movies today instead of Friday, so I haven't finished my reviews.
There are a handful of movies opening today, and I've seen two of them - Tenacious D in: The Pick of
Destiny and Deja Vu. I'll have full reviews by tomorrow or Friday (maybe one on tomorrow and
one on Friday, we'll see), but if some of y'all are dying to see a movie tonight and need some quick advice
then here you go...
Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny - Possibly the stupidest movie I've seen this
year. And no, I really don't mean that as a compliment. I like Jack Black, but he's been on a downhill slide
since School of Rock, and this annoyed the immaturity out of me. You have to be a die-hard Tenacious
D fan or on some sort of illegal substance to get much out of this. Casual audiences should avoid.
Deja Vu - If you can accept that this is science fiction, and if you can embrace
the time traveling theme then you'll be able to sit back and just enjoy the ride. It's an entertaining
thriller highlighted by a very unique car chase. Just don't try too hard to understand all the technical
jargon or to find plot holes. You'll get a headache.
That's it for now. Have a great Thanksgiving, and tune in tomorrow and/or Friday for full reviews of the
movies above.
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November 21, 2006
Movie Mark PSA: Just Say No to the Fake Butter
The next time you're at the movies and you decide to give in to temptation and pay $48 for a large popcorn
then you'll inevitably be asked if you want "butter" on it. I know it tastes good for the first couple of
bites, but I highly suggest you politely decline the offer.
Do you realize that a large popcorn has about 80 grams of fat? Compare that to the Big Mac's 34 grams of
fat and perspective delivers a Rosie-sized wallop upside the ol' noggin. If you allow them to add the "butter"
then that's an extra 50 grams of fat you're about to ingest.
So basically what they're asking is, "Would you like us to add a little liquid heart attack to your
popcorn and help do our part in shortening your life?" They might as well start manufacturing cholesterol
in a bottle.
By saying no, not only will your heart thank you, but your stomach will thank you. I assure you that
you can do without a heavy layer of greasy goo (the ingredients of which are only known to a small number
of employees at NASA) swimming around in your stomach, waking you up in the middle of the night. If you ever
make the mistake of eating Taco Bell and movie "butter" on the same day then I recommend keeping a stomach
pump, your cell phone, and a prayer or two handy.
Plus, good luck getting that grease off your fingers. This can be most problematic if you need to take notes
during the movie or if you desire running your fingers through your lady friend's hair.
The more you know...
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November 20, 2006
FS&R: Hey Blockbuster, Ever Heard of Competence?
When dealing with a company, is it too much to ask that the employees be competent? If they aren't then whose
fault is it? The employee's? Or the company's for not properly training the employee? Today's rant comes
courtesy of Blockbuster Video and its inability to handle simple duties.
Read my sordid story in Hey Blockbuster, Ever Heard of
Competence?
Coming this Week
Reviews of Tenacious D and Deja Vu, along with other elements of hilarity, including a new
addition to the site - Movie Mark Public Service Announcements (PSAs).
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November 17, 2006
REVIEW: Casino Royale
"If you've listened closely then you've heard the whining and complaining from the Bond purists regarding the
selection of Daniel Craig as the next Bond. 'But he's blonde!' 'He's not handsome enough!' 'He's not
enough of a lady's man!' Y'all need me to call you a wah-mbulance? Get over it, crybabies. Daniel Craig
IS Bond. That's right; I said it."
Johnny Betts reviews Casino Royale, starring
Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, and Judi Dench.
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November 16, 2006
Top 5 Missed Opportunities - Series Implementing an Actor's Name
I just read that some of the folks behind Arrested Development are joining forces to make a new
TV series - a remake of a British series called The Thick of It. That got me to thinking - how on
earth have we never had a show called The Thicke of It, starring Alan Thicke? I'm absolutely
shocked that some producer didn't jump on that immediately following the cancellation of Growing
Pains. Sure, there was the short-lived Thicke of the Night, but that was some lame
talk show. I want a lame scripted show!
So what are some other cheesy name-pun possibilities that we should encourage TV producers to
explore? Allow me to offer some suggestions...
5. Child Abusey (working title - Child O' Busey) - Jake Busey stars as a
social worker who must help abused children while dealing with past issues of his own. Namely,
those involving growing up with a psycho father.
4. Mulally-gaggin' Around - Megan Mullally stars as a single, annoying woman
in her 40s who still hasn't decided what she wants to do with her life. She spends her days in
coffee bars and bookstores, wasting her time and everybody else's.
3. Burning Bridges - Beau Bridges stars as a recovering alcoholic who is
struggling to get his life back on track. Unfortunately, he has alienated everybody in his life
who he was ever close to, especially his grudge-holding daughter who just can't let go of the
past.
2. Howellin' at the Moon - C. Thomas Howell stars as a late night radio DJ
who's looking for love and contentment ... in all the wrong places.
1. Diamond in the Rough - Lou Diamond Phillips plays a rough-around-the-edges
cop with a heart of gold. Sure, he hates the bad guys, but deep down inside he has a soft spot for
puppies and cheese bagels.
What do y'all think? Do we have some winners on our hands? See y'all tomorrow with my Casino
Royale review.
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November 15, 2006
Wanted: Dead - Ben Affleck's Career
Upon receiving news that there's an Internet rumor circulating (via Dark Horizons) that Ben Affleck
is in talks with Universal Studios to produce and direct Clint Eastwood's 1971 thriller Play Misty for
Me, Johnny Betts placed a bounty on Affleck's career.
"Look, I've tried to ignore the guy, I really have," replied Betts, speaking from his work cubicle in
Memphis, TN. "If he wants to make really bad movies that bomb at the box office and have no positive
result other than jokes made at his expense, then so be it. But you simply do not attempt to remake a
Clint Eastwood movie, especially if you're Ben Affleck."
Betts made it clear that he wasn't advocating violence against Affleck himself. "Oh no, I'm not asking
anybody to actually hurt the guy. I just want to figure out how to kill his career before this travesty
happens. I thought Gigli and Surviving Christmas would do the trick. I have no idea
how he survived those. I know audiences sure didn't."
Betts said he'll seek career-killing advice from the likes of Steven Seagal, Christian Slater, and
Lou Diamond Phillips to explore the possibilities. It's likely that some combination of Uwe
Boll directing and Tara Reid co-starring will be required to drive the final nail.
"The coffin's still slightly open," lamented Betts. "I'll be content if we can at least get him to
straight-to-DVD status."
And if the remake rumors never come to fruition? "Then I call for a preemptive strike and say we move
forward with the plans. We don't need another scare like this."
Ben Affleck was too busy looking at himself in the mirror to be reached for comment.
This Week's Releases
Casino Royale - I'm seeing it on Thursday. Review on Friday.
Happy Feet - Yeehaw, an animated movie about dancing penguins with Robin Williams
as one of the lead voices. Just hit me in the head repeatedly with a frying pan now. There was a screening
last night that I skipped in order to attend a screening of Tenacious D in 'The Pick of Destiny',
AKA one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen. However, I don't regret not seeing Happy Feet.
Let's Go to Prison - This one wasn't screened in Memphis. That means this one won't
be watched and/or reviewed by Johnny. At least not until it hits DVD.
Speaking of DVD, the main releases are The Da Vinci Code, Accepted,
John Tucker Must Die, and Strangers with Candy. I haven't
seen any of them nor am I in a hurry to do so.
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November 14, 2006
FREE MOVIE SCREENING: Turistas
Remember that free screening of Turistas that I mentioned yesterday? No? What's your problem? I
mentioned it JUST YESTERDAY! Sheesh. Oh, you were too busy laughing hysterically at my Casino Royale
with Cheese movie tie-in? OK, that's acceptable.
Anyway, the sign-up for the screening is now open. CLICK RIGHT HERE to
go ahead and sign up. The theater hasn't been determined yet, but the screening date is November 28th, so I
need to go ahead and get this rolling.
First 150 people to sign up win.
Morgan Webb Overtakes Stephen Baldwin on Johnny Betts' Myspace Friends List
It has been reported that Morgan Webb, the co-host of video game review show X-Play and "hot video
game-playin' babe," has moved ahead of Stephen Baldwin on Johnny Betts' Myspace friends list. The conquest
ends Baldwin's long reign as Betts' #2 friend.
"I still like Stephen," replied Betts. "We'll always have The Young Riders connection. But come on,
Morgan Webb is hot. When she accepted my friend request I had to find a way to say thanks. Granted, I'm
merely one of her over 25,000 'friends,' but I figured she'd be impressed with overtaking a Baldwin
brother. That kind of thing grabs your eye."
It was a rough day for Baldwin, as long-time Movie Mark/Doorless Stall supporter, Nikki Bluejeans, also
moved past him on Johnny's list. "Ms. Bluejeans has made positive contributions to my message board and
has dutifully fed my ego and praised my wit and intellect," responded Betts. "That means a lot, even if she
did charge $10 a month. Stephen never even responded to the single message I sent him. Nikki earned her
spot.
But don't feel too sorry for Stephen - he's still ahead of my sister. Believe me, I'll hear about that later
today. Oh well, that's what happens when you call me a 'douche bag.' You play back-up to Stevie B."
Stephen Baldwin could not be reached for comment. Probably because he's avoiding the "can you throw my bail" call
from Daniel.
Coming Tomorrow
Johnny issues a statement regarding Ben Affleck. Please stay tuned.
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November 13, 2006
Movie Mark Movie Tie-In #2
If you don't remember what a Movie Mark Tie-In is then please click
here for a lengthy explanation and my very first tie-in (Sags of Our Fathers). With the new
James Bond film (Casino Royale) opening this week, I figured it was time for a new tie-in. Let's
go...
Title: Casino Royale with Cheese
Tagline: All he wanted was a burger. With cheese.
Cast: Michael Madsen
Synopsis: Quentin Tarantino's plans to remake Casino Royale may have died,
but his vision (at least one man's interpretation of it) lives on.
Michael Madsen stars as Blonde, Mr. Blonde (see Reservoir Dogs) - a secret agent with a penchant for
cheeseburgers and talking in strained, furrowed brow whispers. This particular day begins just as
innocently as any other - with Mr. Blonde craving a Quarter Pounder with cheese. But Mr. Blonde's plans
get derailed when he learns that trouble is afoot at the Paris casino that he frequents.
It's discovered that the profits from the cheeseburgers sold at the casino are directly funneled to a
dangerous terrorist organization, and it's Mr. Blonde's duty to track down the perpetrators and make sure
they FRY.
Another coffin in Michael Madsen's career ensues.
Signature Quote: After Mr. Blonde has defeated the bad guys and foiled all
terrorist activities, he grabs one of the casino's famous cheeseburgers and takes a big bite. His
captain (most likely played by Lorenzo Lamas or Michael Paré) notices Blonde's look of self-satisfaction
and replies, "You really relish this, don't you?"
Mr. Blonde furrows his brow, slowly turns his head towards the captain, and strains, "Relish? Nobody, but
nobody, puts relish on a cheeseburger anymore!"
Pause two beats. Cue laughter. Fade to black. Roll credits.
When Movies and Reality Don't Mesh
Have you ever watched a movie or TV show and thought, "Man, I wish I had the guts to do what THAT character
did! Would it work in real life?"
It never hurts to take risks in life, but chances are no, it would not work. I'll give you an example.
Any Wonder Years fans out there? Come on, you know you loved the irascible Kevin Arnold and his fro.
Everybody remembers Kevin as this lovable little kid, but every time I watch the show I'm amazed at how big
of a jerk he was. I guess that's something we've allowed ourselves to repress.
Anyway, there was an episode where Kevin was struggling in a math class. He thought the teacher was too
hard and his demands were unreasonable. But he seeks help from the teacher and receives it. However, one
day the teacher tells him he can't make their tutoring session and Kevin can handle things on his own now.
This doesn't sit well with the little jerk, and he intentionally fails the test by writing answers such
as, "Who cares?"
Welp, one thing led to your mother, and the teacher dies. Turns out he had to miss the tutoring session
because he was receiving cancer treatment. Or something. I don't remember the exact disease, and I have
no interest in looking it up. When the substitute passes out the tests, he tells the little jerk that his
test "mysteriously" disappeared. But good ol' Mr. Collins left another test for Kevin to take.
So take it he does. Kevin finishes, strolls to the desk, hands the teacher his test, and
arrogantly says something along the lines of, "You don't have to grade it. It's an 'A.'"
Well, I decided to test this method one day. It was my sophomore year of college. English Lit 2101.
Being the procrastinator that I am, I didn't begin my paper on "Eulogistic Symbolism in Le Morte d'Arthur
as Compared to The Modern Paradigm" until the night before it was due. Admittedly, my research was a
little shaky.
Oh well, I figured the ol' "Kevin Arnold Method" might give me an edge. I walked up to the professor's desk,
handed him the paper, and calmly said, "I wouldn't bother grading it. It's an 'A.'" I expected the
prof to look up at me, raise an eyebrow, and then do his best to suppress a smile, knowing that he had just
encountered a worthy adversary. Instead, he just stared at me as if I had told him I really respected
Pamela Anderson's views on world hunger.
Would he ultimately be so impressed with my self-confidence that he wouldn't bother grading it and take my
word for it that it was indeed an 'A' paper?
Nope. When I got the paper back I saw that he gave me a B-minus, and he added a note, "Next time you might want
to do a little more research and a little less grandstanding."
So let this be a lesson to you, kids - just because you see it on the movies or on TV does not necessarily
mean you can get away with it in real life.
Darn you, Kevin Arnold, and your little fro!
SCREENING: Turistas
Brazil. Beautiful woman, pristine beaches, a friendly, open culture. Alex (Josh Duhamel) is accompanying
his sister (Olivia Wilde) and her best friend (Beau Garrett) for their first time abroad.
On the way there, their bus driver loses control. Luckily, they make it through the accident. They make their
way to the nearest cabana bar to get the party started. After a hazy night of exotic liquors and sensuous
dancing, they wake up alone and their possessions missing. A dark secret waits for them in the lush jungle and
the more they try to escape it the deeper they are driven into a nightmare of human hunting and unspeakable
crimes, where they must fight a primal battle for their lives in the most terrifying of all human traps.
Interested in seeing this for free? Stay tuned because the Movie Mark is sponsoring a screening that will
occur on Tuesday, November 28th. The sign-up will begin soon. Possibly tomorrow.
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November 10, 2006
REVIEW: Stranger than Fiction
"I can hear you now (you crazy voice in my head!) - how do you take a story about a real-life man who slowly
learns his life is some weird product of fiction and make it work? How do you deliver a satisfying ending to
such a perplexing structure? Well, I had the same questions. I didn't know if it'd pull it off, but it does,
and all I can say, without giving too much away, is the proof is in the viewing."
Johnny Betts reviews Stranger than Fiction,
starring Will Ferrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Thompson, and Dustin Hoffman.
REVIEW: Harsh Times
"What to say, what to say. Not yet having mastered the art of mind reading, I have no idea what you expect
from this film, but there's a good chance you're not going to get it. Unless you expect a good performance
from Christian Bale. Otherwise, this is a movie not easily recommended."
Johnny Betts reviews Harsh Times, starring Christian Bale and
Freddy Rodriguez.
TRAILER: Spider-Man 3
Watch the official Spider-Man 3 trailer
RIGHT HERE and prepare to be excited.
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November 9, 2006
Movie Mark Original #19
Title: Hellevator
Tagline: Come for the Ride of Your Life
Death ... and ... Going Down?
Cast: David Caruso, anybody willing to work with David Caruso
Plot Summary: It's Halloween, and strange things are afoot at the local haunted
house. A new attraction has been added - an elevator that is supposed to take visitors down to the
basement. Trouble ensues when those visitors never come back. Inexplicably, the haunted house is not
shut down, the elevator is kept as part of the attraction, and people continue to go missing.
Local ghost hunters think that the house is built on a portal to Hell, thus dubbing the ride the
"Hellevator." In an effort to get to the bottom of this problem (no pun intended), they enlist the
help of world-renown paranormal expert Jack A. Jackson (Caruso).
Jackson is known for his unorthodox methods of ridding the world of evil spirits. His technique involves
removing his shirt and tricking the spirits into thinking that his blindingly white chest is "the light" that
they need to walk towards. Once they're close enough, he destroys their soul with the constipated
whisper of a bad one-liner.
One-Liner of the Movie: Upon inspecting the elevator, Jackson puts on his
sunglasses, puts his hands on his hips, turns towards the sun, and replies, "Looks like this elevator has
been involved in more frightening lifts than Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon."
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November 8, 2006
And the Oscar for Best Actor Goes to...
...Christian Bale for his performance in Harsh Times. I saw this last night, and it's not a movie that
I'd easily recommend to anyone - it's hard to watch. Very rough around the edges, and it will most certainly
not send you home singing show tunes. But Bale proves why he's easily one of the best actors working
today. He took a character who should be completely unlikeable, and he actually made me feel sympathetic
towards the guy.
He's a freight train just waiting to derail. And it keeps you watching. You want the guy to get his act
together, but you watch because you get the feeling that he'll explode at any minute, and though you don't
want it to happen, you want to be there in case it does. I'll say more in my review on Friday.
I'll also be reviewing Will Ferrell's Stranger than Fiction on Friday. Gonna see it tomorrow night.
Unfortunately, Memphis isn't getting screenings of The Return or A Good Year, so don't be on
the lookout for reviews of those. I was interested in both films, especially A Good Year since Russell
Crowe's one of my favorite actors. I can't wait for the combination of him and Christian Bale in the remake
of the Western 3:10 to Yuma. 2007 is looking like a good year (no pun intended).
And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor Goes to...
...Josh Brolin for his protrayal as Tarlow in The Dead Girl! No, I haven't seen it yet, but I might as
well start the bandwagon now, right? I heard from someone who has seen it though, and this person really
enjoyed the movie. I asked about Josh's portrayal and screen time, here's the response:
"Because of the film's structure, everybody's screen time is limited.
Brolin plays a dark, abusive, nihilistic character who feels real. He won me over.
Film has an authentic feel. Brolin's performance is very direct and unmannered."
If you're a Brolin fan then you've gotta be excited about that. If you're not a Brolin fan, well, you will
be soon.
Britney Spears Quickly Sheds 150 Unwanted Pounds...
...by announcing plans to divorce K-Fed.
Marianne Faithfull Beats Cancer, Issues Challenge to Heart Disease
Let's leave this one at the article title...
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November 7, 2006
On DVD this Week
There are some new DVDs being released this week. I preview them. You may check that out
RIGHT HERE!!!
Reader Accuses Johnny Betts of Sexism, Most Likely Meant "Sexy-ism"
The Internet world was rocked yesterday when a reader known only as the email alias "steandric" accused
beloved softball champion, Johnny Betts, of being sexist.
The reader was upset with statements that Betts made in his
Warner Independent Fall/Winter Preview regarding
The Painted Veil, a movie with an awareness level of approximately three people. After reading the
plot synopsis, Betts was able to astutely determine that this will most likely be a big plate of
sap, stating, "Hmm, this pretty much sounds like the most painfully boring type of romance movie that no
self-respecting male would agree to sit through."
This is where the reader took offense. "self-respecting male? i'm afraid you've degraded yourself by
sounding like a sexist," replied "steandric," disregarding all rules of proper capitalization, "if you
don't want to sit through this film it's your own business. who cares what sex you're or what kind it
is."
Betts regrets that he doesn't know the gender of the sender. "Well, I wish I knew if it were a male or
female sending the comment so that I could give a more proper response. 'Steandric', huh? I guess this
is one of those absolutely adorable couples who set up their own email address together and leave cutesy
voicemail messages where they interchange sentences. I'm guessing 'ste' is short for 'Stephanie' and
this is the one sending me the comment. If it stands for 'Steven' then we've just entered a whole other
realm of explanation."
Betts denied the allegations of sexism. "If it was a female who sent the message then I assume she just made
a typo and meant to say 'sexiest.' Otherwise, it's just silly to take offense at my observation. It's a
fact of life that some movies just aren't made with the male demographic in mind. There are romance movies
that are acceptable for male consumption, but there are others that any real man should avoid at all costs.
Does 'steandric' get upset at the term 'chick flick'? Come on. Life's short. Lighten up and don't take
things so seriously. There wasn't anything sexist about my statement, and if 'steandric' is indeed a female
then that's what I'd like sweet cheeks to understand."
But what if 'steandric' is male? "Then he obviously wants to see The Painted Veil and feels my
comment has called his manhood into question," replied Betts. "He needs to look inside himself and figure
out why that is. At most my comment only triggered something that's already there."
As of press time, 'steandric' had yet to further comment on the situation.
Johnny Betts Disappointed with Caruso-to-Commercial One-Liner
On last night's episode of CSI: Miami, Johnny Betts waited with eager anticipation for the bad
one-liner that David Caruso would use to lead audiences to the opening credits and first commercial
break.
The opportunities were plentiful, considering the episode's initial death scene involved a guy street
racing, hanging out of his sunroof while driving, and then getting his head sliced off by a string of
lights that weren't really stretched tightly. Betts ignored the fact that this most likely would not
really decapitate a person going 20 mph and clenched his fists, hoping for Caruso to really bring it
home.
Unfortunately, Caruso failed to capitalize on the abundance of bad puns that could have been utilized,
opting to go with a generic comment on how this might not be an accident.
"It ruined the entire show for me," replied Betts. "Somebody was decapitated! Caruso can do better than
that! What he should have done is surveyed the scene, heard everybody out, put his sunglasses on, placed his
hands on his hips, tilted his head towards the sun, and then replied, 'All right, guys. We're starting to
fall behind on this case. I think it's time we *pause two beats* get ahead.' And then YOOOOOOOOOOW! we
hit the opening credits. Horatio really dropped the ball on this one."
Movie Mark readers who have never seen CSI: Miami most likely don't appreciate the beauty of this
joke. David Caruso couldn't be reached for comment.
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November 6, 2006
Director to Sue Over Bedbugs, Johnny Betts Considers Cootie Litigation
Paul Thomas Anderson, director of such over-rated, self-indulgent movies as Magnolia and Punch-Drunk
Love, is suing the owner of his former New York apartment, claiming that he and his girlfriend (Maya
Rudolph) were "bitten all over their bodies" by bedbugs. The couple is seeking $450,500 in damages for the
infestation.
The apartment owner denies any responsibility, saying the problem could have been avoided had the couple
reminded each other to "not let the bedbugs bite" prior to falling asleep.
Meanwhile, wavy-haired, cool-booted movie-reviewing legend, Johnny Betts, is looking into a possible lawsuit
against 7th Grade classmate, Ashley Pilcher. Pilcher, Betts claims, infested him with cooties when she
unexpectedly gave him a kiss on the cheek following their 3rd period art class.
"I'm aware that was like 18 years ago, but it was the first time a girl ever kissed me, and it kind of
scared me," said Betts, who no longer fears being kissed by the opposite sex. "I knew right away that I
had cooties, and since I never received proper treatment for them I feel they're the cause of the sore throat I
had the other day."
Betts attempted to draw two circles and two dots on his body to cure the ailment, but the treatment didn't
work - not surprising since most doctors agree that the "circle, circle, dot, dot" remedy must be applied
immediately upon infection and would certainly be ineffective 18 years later.
Pilcher could not be reached for comment.
Richard Grieco Returns to Network Television, Bears Alarming Resemblance to David Gest
With his recent appearance on The CW's Veronica Mars, Richard Grieco's return to network television
gained nothing but shrieks of horror from the millions of females who had teenage crushes on him when he starred
as 21 Jumpstreet's Officer Dennis Booker.
"That can't be the same guy I used to call Richard Dreamco," said Jennifer Robinson, 29. "He looks like a
fish! I can't decide what makes his face so scary - the forty facelifts or the fact that he's now so skinny
it looks like somebody lipo'd the wrong cheeks. There has to be a joke in here somewhere about Grieco's 1991
big screen debut If Looks Could Kill. I'm just too lazy to find it."
When asked if she thought Grieco might be in line for a comeback, Robinson laughed and replied, "Perhaps if
somebody casts him in the David Gest life story. But since no one outside of David Gest and Richard Grieco
would be interested in that project, Richard will probably have to continue sobbing uncontrollably while
watching his Jumpstreet DVDs."
Grieco's facelift could not be reached for comment.
Borat has Impressive Box Office Showing, Johnny Betts Expresses Inability to Care Less
Sasha Baron Cohen's Borat defied the odds and won this weekend's box office crown, earning $26 million
on a mere 837 theaters for a whopping $31,511 per screen average. But despite the critical and commercial
success, Johnny Betts refuses to pay to see it on the big screen.
"Are you kidding me?" asked a befuddled Betts. "I would have attended the free screening if I hadn't been
too busy being a softball champion, but there's no way I'm paying $8 a pop without the inability to fast forward
through two naked guys rolling around on each other. Unh unh. Ain't happening, chico."
Betts indicated he wouldn't mind watching it one day but will most likely wait to borrow it when one of his
friends gets it from Netflix. "I hook my friends up with free movie passes all the time," replied Betts.
"It's about time those moochers give me something in return, other than grief for thinking
Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were cool when I was like 11
years old. If they were honest with themselves then they'd admit that they dreamt a little dream just like
I did."
Always one for self-promotion, Betts continued, "My Corey Feldman article -
An Icon, an Industry - sums up what I think about that tool
these days. If you haven't read it then I suggest doing so now. It's hi-larious. With a little extra
emphasis on the 'larious.'"
Betts gave no indication that he'd ever make plans to see this weekend's second place finisher -
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. "Do I look like I'm either 5 or 60 years old?" was Betts' only
response.
Johnny Betts' 26 Words of Advice
If you are a male then please do not let anybody ever catch you singing You Make me Feel Like a Natural
Woman, especially in public.
* Johnny's Note: Just because I offer this sage advice does NOT mean it's based on actual experiences.
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November 3, 2006
Opening this Week
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - They had no screenings of this in Memphis,
so I haven't seen it. Considering I haven't seen the first two, there's a better than average chance that I'll
never watch this one in life. Ever.
Flushed Away - They screened this one on the Saturday I was in Louisville, therefore,
I haven't seen it either. Sorry. I was told that it's decent, not great, more of a rental. I can craft more
awkward sentences for you if that's not enough information.
Borat - I was going to attend the screening of it last night, but due to softball
obligations I was unable to. Mr. Shade, however, did go to the screening and he said there are some pretty
hilarious moments, but he also cautioned there are a few scenes that are absolutely disgusting. The worst
offender being a scene where a naked Borat and a naked fat guy wrestle around. UGH. Due to such fast-forward
material as this, Mr. Shade recommended that I save it for TV or a rental.
Oh, did I say something about softball obligations? Well, if you like underdog tales then please read on
to find out more...
Johnny Betts' White Team Wins Softball Championship, Hollywood to Rush out an Epic Film,
Josh Brolin to Star
Memphis, TN - After last week's miraculous victory over the previously 10-0 #1 seed Blue Team, Johnny Betts'
White Team (cleverly named due to the team's white jerseys) pulled off an unlikely sweep in last night's
playoff double header.
Facing the daunting task of bringing down the powerful Navy Team, the 9-2 #2 seed from their Division, Johnny
Betts and the White Team took to the field and stuck to their gameplan - play tight defense, eliminate bad
throws, and hit line drives.
"They had beaten us twice already this season, including a 29-6 WAXING in only our third or fourth game," said
Internet phenomenon and local hero Johnny Betts. "We're talking about a Brazilian wax job with no soothing
ointment applied afterwards. It hurt. We've come a long way since then, and we knew we had a shot because
they only beat us 16-15 the last time we played, but they're still loaded. Like grandma's baked potatoes."
Despite the Navy Team's bevy of homerun hitters, they could never mount more than a three run lead, and it
was their showboating during their first homerun that gave the White Team the extra motivation to get the job
done.
"When they got their first homerun the guys in the dugout started going crazy," said Betts. "They started
shouting, 'WOOOOOOO! There's a full moon out tonight! TEEN WOLF, BABY! TEEN WOLF!' I have no idea what
that meant. It was cloudy, and I saw no full moon. Then they yelled to the homerun hitter, 'Give us a
flex!' So what does the guy do? Stops in the middle of the baseline between 2nd and 3rd base and starts
flexing. I almost tackled him right there, but I didn't want to risk being kicked out of the game. From
that point on, whenever we'd get a hit or score a run I'd start yelling, 'TEEN WOLF, BABY! WOOOOO!' I
could tell the Navy Team didn't like it. But hey, that's part of the mental game I play. They got flustered
and started to make mistakes."
One memorable scene that should play out well on the big screen occurred when another member of the Navy Team
hit a homerun. There was a man on 1st base, and after the homerun, in another case of bad sportsmanship,
he just walked around the bases. Didn't even bother trotting or jogging. The White Team's coach made a comment
about being a better sport, but the player just looked at him and continued to walk.
Betts, already perturbed by the earlier flexing episode, responded to the player, "Why don't you try moving a
little faster?" The player just smirked. Betts, fed up with this attitude, decided to fight fire with fire.
He walked towards the guy, started flexing, and shouted, "WHERE'S TEEN WOLF NOW, BABY! WOOOOO!" Apparently
being approached by a flexing, shouting guy who somewhat resembles Jesus is enough to instill a little fear.
The smirk quickly turned into a look of confusion and he jogged the rest of the way home.
Another notable confrontation occurred when, after the Navy Team's third straight homerun, Betts informed their
3rd base coach, "You know, the competitive league is on Monday." After a little verbal tête-à-tête, a war of
words that slanted heavily in the favor of the more well-spoken Betts, the 3rd base coach was reduced to 3rd
grade debate tactics. "Shut up," he said. "Don't tell me to shut up, man," replied Betts, trying to maintain
the ounce of patience he had remaining.
"It's a free country, I'll tell you whatever I want to," retorted the coach. "Well, since it's a free country
then feel free to tell me to shut up after the game," Betts fired back, with a glare of the eye and a flex of
the bicep. The 3rd base coach got quiet and didn't say another word the rest of the game.
After scrapping together an 11-10 lead, the White Team was able to hold the Navy Team scoreless over the last
two innings to pull off the remarkable upset.
The White Team moved on the championship game where they faced the #2 seed from the other Division - the Yellow
Team (10-2). This game played out without any of the drama from the previous game, but it was not without its
excitement. The game went back and forth with the White Team holding an 11-9 lead going into the top of the
7th. That's when they exploded for 9 runs and built an insurmountable 20-9 deficit. The Yellow Team would
go on to only score 2 runs in the bottom half of the inning, giving the White Team the 20-11 victory and the
championship.
"It's a great feeling," said Betts. "Beating the Navy Team was even more satisfying than winning the
championship game. I love shutting up showboats. To quote my high school wrestling coach, 'That's how you
show a hotdog his mustard.'"
There is discussion of a two picture deal because Betts' basketball team also won their Summer/Fall
championship. It is not yet known whether both films will be released as a double feature or if they'll
be spaced apart.
Josh Brolin is in talks to star as Betts, and Russell Crowe is in consideration to play Johnny's friend
Stephen, who was the only other player to be on both the basketball and softball championship teams. Michael
J. Fox will be asked to play the guy who hit the homerun that encouraged all the teammates to yell out the
"Teen Wolf" references.
A title has yet to be chosen, but some candidates include Playing Hardball ... with Softball: The Johnny
Betts Story, Softball: The Misnomer, St. Louis Cardinals Who?, and Teen Wolf 3: There's
a Full Moon out Tonight.
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November 2, 2006
Cornish Not Responsible for Witherspoon/Phillippe Break-Up, Danish Deny Accountability as Well
The Movie Mark has learned that the great folks in Cornwall have denied any responsibility in the current
break-up between Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon and her less successful husband Ryan Phillippe. The Danish
are also making a preliminary strike and letting it be known that they had nothing to do with it either.
Both groups, however, have expressed annoyance in the fact that Ryan uses two L's AND two P's in his last
name.
*Johnny is handed a note*
This just in - it was an Australian actress named Abbie Cornish who was accused of having an affair with
Phillippe, thus prompting the split. Ms. Cornish denies the affair. It appears that the great people of
Cornwall have not been accused of anything, other than making a darn good game hen.
Ben Affleck Says "No" to Superhero Roles, Fans of Superheroes Say "Thank You" to God
Momentarily forgetting his current lack of star power, Ben Affleck made the faux pas of ignoring the "never say
never" motto in Hollywood, claiming he will never play a superhero again. At the London premiere of
Hollywoodland, Affleck claimed it was a "source of
humiliation" to wear a costume in his 2003 stenchfest Daredevil and says he would not want to do it
again.
Affleck offered no explanation as to why he continues to take roles in other sources of humiliation
such as Surviving Christmas and Gigli.
When Affleck asked what he thought about being given the moniker "Box Office Poison" by the Movie Mark's
Johnny Betts, he had no comment.
Barbra Streisand Pelted with Ice
A concertgoer lived out Johnny Betts' dream recently when he pelted aging singer and all-around nutcase
Barbra Streisand with ice after being fed up with her using the concert to express her intolerant political
views.
As much fun as I'm sure pelting Ms. Streisand was, a better strategy would have been to pelt her with copies
of Meet the Fockers. I only watched it once and I was
screaming for mercy.
Cameron Diaz to Get Nose Job, Streisand Might Want to Consider the Same
Non-Rhodes Scholar actress Cameron Diaz is set to undergo surgery to have her nose fixed. Ms. Diaz has
reportedly broken her nose four times and told US Magazine that she's having breathing problems.
Sources say that once Ms. Diaz undergoes the surgery she'll no longer be allowed to attempt to walk and chew
gum at the same time.
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November 1, 2006
Steven Seagal Wins Lifetime Achievement Award
Hollywood, CA - Former martial arts action star and current bloated has-been, Steven Seagal, was recently
honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award by the newly formed Institution for Grammatical Awareness in
Hollywood (IFGAH). Seagal was presented with a trophy for "Most Movies with Prepositional Phrases
as Titles."
"We are thrilled to bestow this honor upon Mr. Seagal," said IFGAH chairman Lou Diamond Lamas. "We knew we had
to find a way to commemorate the career of a man who has starred in such prepositionally adept movies as
Into the Sun, Out of Reach, Out for a Kill, On Deadly Ground, Out for Justice,
Under Siege, and Above the Law.
He's responsible for kick-starting the 'Learn Your Prepositions through Bad Seagal Movies' campaign that's
sweeping the nation. It's proven to be a great way to make learning fun, and there are prizes for the
children who can come up with the most. There's even a 'Name Seagal's Next Movie Contest.' The winner's
title will actually be used, so don't be surprised to see Under the Sun or Out for the Law on
video shelves soon."
"It's nice for my career to be honored for something. I'll take what I can get," squinted Seagal, in
a barely audible, constipated whisper that took 20 minutes to transcribe.
Seagal is also in the running for the "Most Three-Worded Movie Titles" award, with over 1/3 of his titles
containing exactly three words. The winner will be announced later this year.
K-Fed's Album Drops, So Does His Baby
New York, NY - The highly-maligned Kevin Federline album Playing With Fire dropped on Tuesday - industry
lingo for "was released on Tuesday." In honor of the occasion, K-Fed also dropped his 13-month old baby Sean
Preston for what the untalented wannabe rapper called "current time's sake."
"It's not like it was on purpose, yo," Federline somehow managed to say. "Some kid asked for my autograph, and
then handed me a Vanilla Ice CD and started laughing. I took a swing at him, yo, and dropped Sean Preston on
his head. So what. Happened to me all the time when I was young, and I turned out a'ight. I don't
see..."
The interview ended abruptly once Federline exhausted his 50-word vocabulary.
Kevin Federline to Write Book, Must First Learn to Write
New York, NY - Professional moocher and all-around slacker, Kevin Federline, recently told the New York Post
that he planned to write his "biography," telling the story of his life before he met Britney Spears. Through
a series of clicks and grunts, Federline explained why his assumed illiteracy would not hold him back from his
plans, "Since when have I let the inability to do something keep me from trying it? Rapping, acting, raising a
kid - just because I have no clue what I'm doing doesn't serve as a popsicle. Why should writing be any
different, yo?"
After being told that he meant "obstacle" rather than "popsicle," Federline continued, "Somebody told me I
should hire a ghostwriter, but I don't even know if I believe in ghosts, know what I'm sayin'? Plus, that'd
be pretty creepy, yo."
Federline denied the rumors that he might also attempt to read a book, explaining that he wants to take things
one step at a time.
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