BREAKING NEWS - BRO'VEMBER 2007
Bro'vember 30, 2007
Look for a Rare Saturday Posting
Remember how I said yesterday that I'd post the screening sign-up pages today? I sure hope you remember because that was less than 24 hours ago. If you forgot then you might want to look
into that. Sounds like you have issues. Anyway, I forgot that due to my site's massive, worldwide popularity, it's one of the entertainment sites that has been blocked at work. Quite
an honor, really. I didn't finish the pages last night, and now I can't test them at work today. I don't want to blindly put the pages up hoping everything runs smoothly, so you know
what I'm going to do? I'll test the sign-up pages tonight and then post them. That's right; you can check TMM on Saturday and sign up for your passes. I also have a screening of Juno
that I'll be offering soon. I'll post more on that next week.
Will this be the very first Saturday posting in Movie Mark history? Could be. Am I going to check through the archives to verify it? Nope. Why on earth would I do that?
Jennifer Love Hewitt Gets Engaged
Welp, my good friend Nikki Bluejeans broke the news to me that Jennifer Love Hewitt was recently engaged to the goofy boyfriend she's been inexplicably dating since January of last
year. Not many details are known except that he proposed in Hawaii and gave her an antique engagement ring that has been in his family for over 100 years. So cliché. He knew he
couldn't compete with Johnny Betts on a level playing field, so he had to devise a gimmick. Ah well. It's her loss, really. You know what I'm gonna do? Take Kid Rock's advice. You heard
me right. I THINK I'LL KEEP WALKING ... WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH .... I'LL KEEP MOVING ON...
Hollywood "News" Hits Rock Bottom and Breaks out Shovel
In looking for stimulating news to mock, I've found articles this week dealing with celebrities' astrological signs, Ellen Barkin being sued by her billionaire ex-boyfriend, and Drea de
Matteo giving birth. Considering this is one of the worst release weeks of the year (Awake is the only wide release), and most TV shows are currently in a repeat rotation, it seems
that nobody has anything to talk about. Kind of serves as an example of how shallow and surface-level Hollywood can be, huh?
The good news is I'm finally getting over my post-Thanksgiving blahs. I'm feeling a little more inspired. But I have to be honest and let y'all know that I'm working on some writing
projects outside of TMM. The potential is promising, and y'all will benefit once it all comes to fruition. Maybe. I won't make any promises because some smart aleck will try to hold me
to them. I hope you understand if any of that ever starts to take a toll on my daily updates. If you don't understand then shame on you for your wanton selfishness. And no, wanton is
not something you get at a Chinese buffet.
Grammar Lesson of the Day
It's "moot point," not "mute." Got it? A guy at work actually tried to argue that it was "mute" because it meant that the point was silent and couldn't be heard. Sadly, I think society
is at a point where the majority of people probably think it is "mute point." In fact, this might actually be a revelation to some of you otherwise intelligent readers. I'll let
it slide as long as you learn from your previous ignorance.
To all of you who have emailed me within the last couple of weeks and haven't gotten a response - keep an eye on your inbox this weekend.
Shaft Sighting in Memphis!
Co-workers have reported to me that they spotted Richard Roundtree, AKA Shaft, eating lunch at a downtown sushi bar. He was kind enough to take pictures and sign autographs. Nobody knows
why he was sitting by himself in a downtown Memphis sushi bar. Probably hoping somebody would recognize him and say, "Hey, it's Shaft! I think I'll buy him some sushi."
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Bro'vember 29, 2007
The Ways of Man
I started on this post yesterday, but I got an annoying piece of malware on my computer and ended up spending
the entire day trying to get rid of it. Didn't work. My laptop is currently being rebuilt, while I'm forced
to slave away on a six year old computer that runs as fast as Michael Moore after Thanksgiving dinner. This
keyboard is a piece of "Chris Kattan movie" as well. It feels like I'm back in high school, using my
grandmother's 1930 typewriter for a school paper. Ah, the good ol' days.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, did everybody have a good one? We went to my grandparents', and I must say, I
always love to hear my grandpa's stories of his good ol' days. If you have a grandfather who loves to tell
stories then I have one piece of advice for you - listen. You never know when the storyteller will no longer
be around. If you have dreams of writing the great American novel then this is a prime source of
material.
Where else can you hear about people named Screwdriver Smith, Happy Layman, and Shorty Jones? My sister and
I would exchange smiles every time grandpa busted out a colorfully named ol' chap. There just aren't as many
people these days with cool, unexplained names like Screwdriver.
It's Official: Hollywood Fresh Out of Ideas
With the announcement that former Friends star Matthew "Weird Chin" Perry has been cast to play a father
who swaps bodies with his son (Zac "Scary Brows" Effron) in the destined-to-bomb Seventeen comes
the revelation that Hollywood has officially given up. Folks, this is their version of wearing sweats
in public.
Girls can get away with that. Guys? Not so much.
Coming Tomorrow
Please bear with me while I wait for my laptop to be rebuilt. I was told it'd be done by today, but now that
is looking a little iffy. I hope to get the sign-up pages for the movie screenings posted by tomorrow. In
fact, I WILL get them posted.
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Bro'vember 27, 2007
Dear Dr. Betts
Hey Johnny, I want to participate in the Dr. Betts segment! Your previous response to the guy asking which movie to take his date to sounded right on target
to me. You seem to have a good grasp of how important it is to make a woman happy at the movies. Unfortunately, my boyfriend does not. Here's my problem:
My overly-sensitive bf (rolls eyes) thought a good after-Thanksgiving movie for us to see would be The Mist. Having read your review of it, I
tried to dissuade him. I wanted to see August Rush, and told him your review stated it'd be a good one for couples to go see. I think he
resents me always taking your movie advice, so he said something along the lines of, "Who died and made him movie god? I'm seeing The Mist."
So I reluctantly went with him, and you were right - that's two hours of my life I had to slowly watch die. My bf pretended to like it, but I could tell he wasn't overly
impressed. As we were leaving the theater I said, "You owe me for that one. Go ahead and reserve a date for when P.S. I Love You is released." He rudely responded,
"Yeah right. You can drag Lisa (my best friend) to that crap." I responded, "Noooo, it's called give-and-take, buddy!" To which he replied, "I don't give a crap; I'm
gonna be taking a dump on that day." He thinks he's funny, but his rude remarks annoy me. Anyway, he always does this. I can't remember the last time we went to a
movie that only I wanted to see.
What should I do? If I willingly go to his movies that I don't want to see then isn't it fair to expect him to reciprocate every once and a while? Help!
Jen
Dear Jen,
I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is a selfish douchebag. Tell him I said so, and if he has a problem with it then this "movie god" would be happy to discuss it in
person. Did you meet him at Home Depot in the tool section? I'm not trying to be mean, but somebody has to tell you, and I don't mince words. Did you say "reciprocate" in front
of him? If so then he probably had no clue what that meant, got confused, and defensively lashed out.
If the guy insists on seeing only the movies he likes and refuses to see any of your choices then just wait - that attitude will begin to permeate other areas of your relationship.
I don't know how serious the two of you are, but this is the type of guy who'd recommend "duck hunting with his buddies" as a possible honeymoon destination. Let me guess - you
only get to eat at his favorite restaurants, right?
Relationships are built on teamwork and cooperation. Sometimes you have to endure something unpleasant to please the one you love. Right now he is simply using you as arm decoration.
"Check me out; I've got a girlfriend! And she's going to MY movies!" Why haven't you kicked this guy in the groin? My recommendation is to have a long talk with him about how his
attitude makes you feel and see how he responds. Perhaps he'll surprise all of us and feel bad about how he's been handling this. If he tells you that he sincerely didn't know you felt
so strongly regarding this subject then perhaps he possesses a glimmer of hope.
However, if he laughs it off and shows no concern or willingness to cooperate then I'd recommend you go shopping for a pair of your very own biker boots so you can kick his
sorry butt to the curb. Then send me a headshot and your resume, and I'll consider inviting you to the P.S. I Love You screening. Keep in mind, the application pool
is big and continually growing, so you really have to make yours pop.
Come on, guys. I'm not saying you should be subjected to every Because I Said So-esque turd burger that floats along, but
how about you try something new every once and a while - give your gal the choice of what movie to see and then happily oblige without a single word of dissension. You might
be surprised at how something so seemingly small will make her so incredibly happy.
Are you badly in need of Dr. Betts' advice? Shoot me an email, and I'll pretend I know what I'm talking about.
To All Who Have Emailed Me Recently
If you have emailed me within the last week and a half or so then be patient - I will respond. I'm a tad backed up; I promise I haven't forgotten you.
Upcoming Screenings
I'll be sponsoring screenings for The Kite Runner and Margot at the Wedding. I'll have the sign-up pages ready this week. Maybe as early as tomorrow.
Thought of the Day
Some people hit the ground and jump up runnin'. So why do you hit bottom and just start shovelin'?
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Bro'vember 26, 2007
The post-Thanksgiving Blahs
Wow, there ain't Jack Squat being released this week, is there? Now that Bro'vember is winding down, the options are few and far between. Awake is opening on Friday. It's
about a dude who wakes up during heart surgery. He's paralyzed, but he's aware of what's going on. I liked that the first time I saw it when it was called Nightmares and
Dreamscapes. And to be honest, I don't really remember caring for it all that much then. Throw in the fact that Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen don't exactly scream
"acting juggernauts" (well, I guess they might scream that in private, who knows), and you've got a big "I'll catch it on TBS one day" response from me.
I'll try to think of some ways to entertain and educate you this week. It won't be happening today because I'm still recovering from Thanksgiving laziness. The more time off I
take, the more I realize how much happier life would be if I made my own schedule and didn't have to subject myself to "the man" for 40 hours a week. I'd get more life goals
accomplished and could benefit society in much more grandiose and entertaining ways. Kinda sad to dwell on, really.
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Bro'vember 23, 2007
MOVIE REVIEWS: August Rush and The Mist
 
The reviews are pretty short, so I'm not going to include the usual "teaser" paragraphs. Just click on a title below to read the reviews:
August Rush
The Mist
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Bro'vember 21, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: No Country for Old Men
"It is Josh Brolin who really steals the show. As bad and as ruthless as Chigurh is, Brolin portrays Moss in such a way that you never doubt his ability to square off with the guy
and come out the victor. He's seen the terror that Chigurh has left in his wake, yet he never gives an inch nor shows an ounce of fear. It has certainly made an impression on Sheriff
Bell, but Moss refuses to bat an eye."
Johnny reviews No Country for Old Men, starring Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin's mustache.
August Rush and The Mist
You know what? There are two days left in this week, so I'm gonna spread these reviews over those two days. If you insist on seeing one of them tonight and desperately want a quick
opinion then here you go:
August Rush - It surprised me. Great family film with excellent music. Despite what some people might have you believe, it's not a musical, so don't let that scare you away.
The Mist - Skip it. Not scary in the least.
Full reviews tomorrow and Friday.
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Bro'vember 20, 2007
Let the Awards Begin!
Welp, the inimitable Josh Brolin has been awarded his first of what will surely be many awards for this season. GQ Magazine announced today the honorees for
their twelfth annual Men of the Year issue, and Josh has been chosen as "Tough Guy" of the year. Look for the magazine to hit the stands on Bro'vember 27th.
Video Footage of Josh on Shootout
AMC has an interview show called Shootout. I know nothing about it except Josh was on it this past Sunday. Video clips can be seen HERE!
That's all for today. I've got too many reviews that I'm working on!
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Bro'vember 19, 2007
No Country for Old Men Week
You know what I like to do when I have no motivation to post something original and creative? Provide links to Josh Brolin interviews, of course! This is my version of using the TV to
babysit kids.
This first link is pretty big news because Josh is featured in USA Today:
Hardworking Josh Brolin shoots down 'overnight' success story
Next up we find out just how tough Josh is by his refusal to let a broken collarbone stand between him and his work. He also explains what it was like to go toe-to-toe with
Denzel Washington and figuratively pimp slap him upside his brain:
Josh Brolin's star rising with recent film work
This Week
Well, it seems 48 different movies are opening on Wednesday. Y'all are expecting me to review at least three of them - No Country for Old Men, August Rush, and
The Mist. Great. Can't wait. Seriously, I've been eager for the next couple of nights to be consumed with writing reviews that will prove to be of little use to
anybody. Yep, I'm standing on the corner of Good Food and Good Times. Oh look! It's O'Charley's!
Thought for the Day
Have you ever thought about how much freedom we truly have? Man-made laws exist, but we don't have to follow them. There are supposed to be consequences when we don't follow
those laws, but we know that plays out under a flawed system. That's why I love the laws of nature so much. Take the law of gravity, for instance. I dare you to attempt to break that
law. Climb a tree, jump off a limb, and attempt to float in mid air. Ain't gonna happen, buddy. The consequence is immediate, and the punishment is dependent upon the degree with
which you break the law. Don't you wish justice worked the same way? Assured. Immediate. Appropriate.
How about a Law of Bad Movies? Date Movie is released, sucks the life out of every unfortunate moviegoer who sees it, is immediately
declared guilty of aural and visual murder, and then everybody involved is fired and sentenced to not work on another movie for a certain time period. Sounds good to me! But nope.
The same terrible writers get hired to do an equally bad follow-up, such as Epic Movie, and society is once again subjected to the torture. Should we release convicted murderers
on the street and allow them to kill again?
And then the writers strike. You know what? I say moviegoers should go on strike. Every time Jake Wade Wall is allowed to write the screenplay for another terrible horror remake we
should put our collective foot down and say we've had enough. Sure, writers are responsible for good scripts, but folks, they're also responsible for bad ones, and in case you haven't
noticed there are a lot more bad ones out there than there are good. When will we be bold enough to stand up and say we're sick of it?
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Bro'vember 16, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Beowulf
"In fact, I'll go so far as to say that watching this in 3-D, particularly on an IMAX screen, is the only way to see it. I just can't imagine enjoying it anywhere near a similar level
via DVD. The special effects are fantastic, and the 3-D is handled masterfully, really pulling you into the movie. When the story lags, there is always something cool to gaze
upon."
Johnny reviews Beowulf, starring the voices and CGI likenesses of Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Crispin
Glover, and Angelina Jolie.
August Rush
I just now realized that August Rush doesn't open until next week, therefore, I must save my review until then. I'm sure you understand. I'll be reviewing No Country for
Old Men and The Mist as well, so it's gonna be a busy week.
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Bro'vember 15, 2007
Hollywood is Starting to Bore Me
Is anybody else burned out on Hollywood and its celebrities? Other than Brolin starting to conquer Tinseltown, of course. Does anybody care that Ellen Pompeo was
recently married in a low-key ceremony? Does it actually brighten anybody's day to hear that Matthew "Weird Chin" Perry is dating Mandy Moore? What say you, Jessica
Alba may move to New York? Excuse me while I call all my friends and family and share the joy.
The Writer's Strike
Maybe the Sci-Fi Channel will get desperate, somebody will come across my Movie Mark Originals, they'll ask if I can flesh out the scripts so they can use them
as Sci-Fi Originals, and then BOOM! The quality of the entire channel will skyrocket, thus deeming the strike to be a success. Could Johnny Betts, through this
strike, save Hollywood? And if not Hollywood, then perhaps the Sci-Fi Channel? Time will tell, my friends. Time will tell.
Let Me Introduce You to this New Invention...
...called deodorant. If you're going to the gym then please put some of this on before you leave the house.
"But why, Johnny? I'm gonna get dirty and sweaty anyway."
Yes, I understand that. But you know what? I don't want to puke after inhaling your noxious fumes. I don't expect you to run a couple of miles and then smell like a
spring shower, but a little pre-workout deodorant should keep some of your stench at bay.
I was working out yesterday, really hitting the weights hard, when some sweaty old man finished running and took a seat at one of the benches. The best description I can
come up with for the "aroma" that filled the air is "an old Wendy's burger past its expiration." The guy was at least five feet from me, and his odor was still overpowering.
This greatly affected my workout because whenever I'd inhale I'd start to gag. A cute girl came over to the area, obviously noticed the stench, turned her nose up, and left.
I had to quit also. I walked away and stretched until the guy was finished in the area.
On top of that, he left huge sweat spots on all the machines he used. Thanks, dude. They loan you towels for a reason. Try using one the next time! ALONG WITH SOME
DEODORANT!
Seriously, folks, do what you can to curb your body odor. A little good hygiene goes a long way.
Coming Tomorrow
Reviews of Beowulf and August Rush. I assure you I'll be tired and not feel like writing them, but I'll figure out a way to slap something together.
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Bro'vember 14, 2007
No Country for Old Men
Well, after a delay of almost an hour, I finally got to see No Country for Old Men. Somehow the reels had gotten screwed up, and it took a long time for them to get it
straightened out. The screening was supposed to start at 10:00 AM, but it was 10:55 before Brolin started rollin'.
The night before I had a prophetic dream that the screening got messed up. I showed up to the theater on time, but the movie had already started. I was pretty mad and didn't know what
was going on. It was also strange because the movie looked a lot like Grindhouse - complete with scratches, missing reels, etc. Perhaps this was some sort of dream
prognostication? Probably not.
As for the movie - awesome. Except for the last 15 minutes. However, it's faithful to the book, so that's pretty much how it had to be. I knew what to expect going in, so I
was prepared. In fact, I'd recommend reading the book before you see the movie if you want to harness potential disappointment. Let's just say it's pretty much an unconventional
Hollywood ending. Aside from that, there's neither a wasted moment nor a wasted role. Josh is awesome, Javier Bardem is maniacally creepy, and Tommy Lee Jones is pitch-perfect as
the grizzled sheriff. This film is freakin' intense!
Josh has a great shot at picking up an Oscar nomination, and this will catapult him into "household name" status. He clearly shows that he could be the next great American
action movie star if that's a route he desires to follow. I wanted to stand up and cheer as he walked across a street blasting a sawed off shotgun. I really hope to see
him get a franchise along the lines of the Bourne movies.
You know what would be funny? All these kid's movies have tie-ins with cereals and other products. How about some sort of bran cereal doing a tie-in with No Country
for Old Men? The front of the cereal box could have a picture of Josh with a squinted face and then have a cute comment about needing daily fiber. I'll see if I
can photoshop something for that.
Sorry for the randomness in my updates. I'm trying to quickly get accustomed to all this free time I have available this week. My new recliner sure has a way of
convincing me to not pick up the laptop.
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Bro'vember 12, 2007
The Beginning of Wisdom
Answers aren't hard to find. But you won't see infinity beyond a finite source. Look somewhere between the cold ground and a falling star. Somewhere within the burning embers
and the silent night. In the simplistic depth of God's creation.
Have you ever seen clearly through the thick of a smoky haze? Find clarity in the dark. Discover a profound warmth amidst the chill. Listen to the soft whisper of the cool
water. Let it carry the burden away. Say goodbye to your old skin and hello to a new day.
Open doors are typically found two steps from goodbye. Don't fuel the cynicism that blinds their view path.
Untangle the web of mixed emotions and release those lingering memories. Triumphantly welcome the warm embrace of hope's future and let its fire burn away the gossamer past.
Don't look at tomorrow, expecting a fulfillment of yesterday's promise. Maximize the moment.
You're not the center of everybody's attention, and you shouldn't be the center of yours. Do unto others before they do unto you. Find a need and meet it. A wound and heal it.
Abandon your ghost chase. Rely not on your circumstances. Seek the rock. Nothing stands without a foundation, and pride is no base upon which to build.
The answers are there, and you don't have to know where to look, but I recommend starting somewhere between the cold ground and a falling star.
No Country Does Big Business in Limited Release
Josh Brolin's No Country for Old Men brought in a staggering $1,202,000 this weekend on a mere 28 screens. That's a monumental $42,928 per screen average! To put that in
perspective, the weekend's box office winner - Bee Movie - only averaged $6592 per screen, and American Gangster
averaged $7949.
Remember, I'm seeing No Country tomorrow morning. Life's good.
I've read about 3000 articles and interviews with Brolin in the last week or two, and the journalists really start to repeat the same information over and over and over. Well,
I found one that was slightly more interesting than the rest.
"It all seems random" to Josh Brolin
"Martin Scorsese and Steven Spielberg recently called to seek his services."
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Bro'vember 9, 2007
In Limited Release ... No Country for Old Men
If you're lucky, then perhaps you live in one of the selected cities where No Country for Old Men is playing this weekend. I did a little research but couldn't figure out
exactly which cities are included. Most likely New York and L.A. As for the majority of the country, you'll have to wait until Bro'vember 21 to see Josh Brolin further stamp
his name on movie history. Not me. I get to see it Tuesday morning. Then Tuesday evening I'll attend a special 3-D screening of Beowulf. I'll follow that up with a
Wednesday screening of August Rush and a Friday morning screening of The Mist. Throw in a camping trip, three Tiger basketball games, a trip to prison, and a murder
mystery weekend and I'm gonna be absolutely exhausted. Yes, you heard that right - I'm going to prison on Thursday.
Apparently the police have read TMM and deemed all the rumpage that I kick on a daily basis with my size 11s to be "assault with a deadly weapon." Actually, the prison trip is
actually a little mission work, a way for ol' Johnny to reach out to those who don't have daily access to TMM. I'm sure it's minimum security, but I'll wear my boots just in
case.
Here's a funny snippet from an interview with the Coen brothers. EC = Ethan Coen, JC = Joel Coen
Q Was it difficult to cast a film with three more or less equally important protagonists?
EC Tommy Lee Jones and Javier having been cast, the third person had to be able to hold his weight with those two actors. That's setting the bar
pretty high. We saw everybody and we hadn't met anybody we liked and that we felt wouldn't be something of a letdown coming from Tommy to Javier to person X. You don't want the
audience to think "OK, now I have to sit through the dull guy before I get back to the two other guys." Josh [Brolin] was the only person we met who put our mind at ease and we
met him quite late, just a couple weeks before we were supposed to start shooting. I don't know what we could have done if we hadn't met Josh. It was a very last-minute thing.
JC After reading a couple of scenes, we both heaved a sigh of relief and asked him to do the movie and that was the end of it.
Q I understand that Brolin's expressions of pain are genuine, since he broke his collarbone just prior to filming.
JC He had a motorcycle accident a week or two before we started shooting and then lied to us brazenly about the implications of the accident. So
we felt completely at liberty to ignore the fact that he was in pain.
If you're interested, you can read the rest of the interview here.
That's all I've got for today, folks. I've got some cool stuff on the horizon and plenty of reviews on the way. Life's busy, but it keeps it from being boring.
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Bro'vember 8, 2007
Dear Dr. Betts
Dear Johnny,
I got this big cinematic-dilemma on my hands and really need your expertise on this subject. Don't really know if you lend yourself for solving this kind of problem, but why not
give a try?
I'm taking my yet-to-be-girlfriend to the movies, for our very first date. So far, so good. But dilemmas ensue...
The only options I have are The Heartbreak Kid or The Brave One. The first one is claiming
to be a romantic comedy, but we all know it's not even attempting to be a comedy, let alone romantic. The second one seems to be a little rough 'round the edges for that special
first date, don't you think? To quote the famous Yogi Berra: If there's a fork in the road, take it. But I'm confused.
Blowing off the whole date is no option, so I wondered if you could shine your light on the subject?
Thanks in advance!
Remco
Remco,
Wow. Two questions quickly come to mind: 1) Where in the world do you live that is still showing The Brave One in theaters? And 2)
What kind of a world do we live in where these two movies are the only options?
The honest answer is that neither of these films is good "first date" material, but The Heartbreak Kid has the potential to do the most
damage to the potential of this relationship. You're right; this so-called romantic comedy is neither romantic nor comedic. It doesn't even bother to welcome the ending credits in
clichéd fairy tale fashion with a contemporary love song escorting you to the door. Females will NOT go home happy. If you label something a romantic comedy then you better showcase
a shirtless Matthew McConaughey or Josh Lucas' five o'clock shadow, else you'll quickly learn about the fury of a woman scorned.
Stiller's character is a douchebag to the nth degree. His actions will make you squirm as you sit there and realize this could cause your date to be disgusted with the entire male
gender, which in turn would not be good for you.
As for The Brave One, those edges are indeed a little rough. Not exactly the ideal date movie. However, on the plus side,
there are a few tense moments that might just have her reaching for your arm. Hopefully you've been doing the Johnny Betts Bicep exercises and are fully prepared for such a
situation. Also, the "butt-kicking female" theme might make your girlfriend-to-be feel a little empowered. Trust me, exposing her to a strong female character will play much
more in your favor than forcing her to sit through two hours of Ben Stiller cheating on his maniac of a wife.
If this really is the only choice you have then it has to be The Brave One. At the very least, after the movie you can make up some
crap about how you're really glad Hollywood decided to let a female take her shot at infiltrating a male-dominated genre. For good measure you might want to mention that you hope
this signals a new trend. Chicks dig that stuff.
But if I were you, I'd take her to dinner first, be so charming that you lose track of time, and then "accidentally" miss the movie. If you don't think you can pull that off then
you have my permission to include your favorite Johnny Betts quotes in the conversation. Statistics show they work every single time. Except when they don't.
Are you badly in need of advice on love, money, movies, and more? Then just email Dr. Betts, and I'll make up something.
Critics Continue to Crowd the Bandwagon
Check out this quote from Al Alexander of the Daily News Tribune:
"I've never paid much attention to Josh Brolin. I always thought of him as a marginal talent feeding off his father's fame, sort of like Lorenzo Lamas.
Then I saw American Gangster and was surprised at how forcibly he registered in a few short scenes as a corrupt
New York City detective sporting a sinister scowl and even more sinister mustache. He was great. And now he's even better, giving an Oscar-worthy performance in
No Country for Old Men.
This dude can act."
No kidding. Where you been? Oh, pre-judging without any basis in fact? Gotcha.
Movie Mark Original #19 Revisited
Title: Hellevator
Tagline: Come for the Ride of Your Life
Death ... and ... Going Down?
Cast: David Caruso, anybody willing to work with David Caruso
Plot Summary: It's Halloween, and strange things are afoot at the local haunted
house. A new attraction has been added - an elevator that is supposed to take visitors down to the
basement. Trouble ensues when those visitors never come back. Inexplicably, the haunted house is not
shut down, the elevator is kept as part of the attraction, and people continue to go missing.
Local ghost hunters think that the house is built on a portal to Hell, thus dubbing the ride the
"Hellevator." In an effort to get to the bottom of this problem (no pun intended), they enlist the
help of world-renown paranormal expert Jack A. Jackson (Caruso).
Jackson is known for his unorthodox methods of ridding the world of evil spirits. His technique involves
removing his shirt and tricking the spirits into thinking that his blindingly white chest is "the light" that
they need to walk towards. Once they're close enough, he destroys their soul with the constipated
whisper of a bad one-liner.
One-Liner of the Movie: Upon inspecting the elevator, Jackson puts on his
sunglasses, puts his hands on his hips, turns towards the sun, and replies, "Looks like this elevator has
been involved in more frightening lifts than Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon."
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Bro'vember 7, 2007
My New Business Venture
Many of you will be surprised to learn that I'm opening a Chinese restaurant. It will be called Wang Chung's, and I plan on running ads that state, "Everybody Wang Chung tonight."
It should be a huge hit.
Proof that God is Listening
I just found out, via the hard-hitting news revelations of IMDb, that M. Night Shyamalan will be allowed to keep an eight-foot tall deer fence that surrounds his Philadelphia
property. His neighbors complained that the fence was ugly, ruined their views, and brought down property values. Shyamalan claimed the fence was built to prevent deer from destroying
future gardens that he plans to grow. Judge Robert J. Shenkin determined the neighbors were just disgruntled viewers of The Village who had "unresolved issues" regarding
Shyamalan and fences.
Break up the prayer vigils, mi amigos y amigas, because our prayers have been heard! I haven't slept for a few days, awaiting this verdict, so now life can return to normal.
Stephen Baldwin Returns to the Big Screen
Mr. Shade reports that Stephen's cameo in Fred Claus is one of the film's highlights. In the movie, he belongs to a group called "Brothers Anonymous," going on a tirade regarding
issues he has with older brother Alec.
You have to look on the bright side of the situation: it might not be a juicy leading role, but at least it's not a Sci-Fi Original.
But never fear, Stephen's still got Sharks in Venice on the horizon. Speaking of which, I can't believe I have yet to write a bad parody of Werewolves of London to offer up
as the film's theme song. I warn you, what you are about to read will likely make you shake your head and question why you visit the site regularly. But I'm gonna write it anyway.
I apologize in advance.
*ahem*
I saw a shark with Stevie B's filmography in his hand
Swimming through the streets of Venice in the rain
He was looking for a place called Straight 2 DVD
Going to rent himself The Snake King
Aaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooooooo Sharks in Venice
Aaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooooooo
If you see him swimming around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Somebody's career got mutilated late last night
Sharks in Venice again
Aaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooooooo Sharks in Venice
Aaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooooooo
He's the cartilaginous fish who ran amuck in Jaws
Lately he's been in low-budget sci-fi fair
Better stay away from him
He'll rip your talent out, Jim
I'd like to meet his tailor
Aaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooooooo Sharks in Venice
That's all I got. I'm not even going to bother parodying the last verse because it just wouldn't make any sense.
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Bro'vember 6, 2007
Why I Loathe Hollywood Screenwriters
Unbelievable. This was to be the biggest week in Josh Brolin history. He was to appear on Jay Leno tonight and then on Conan this Friday. My DVR has been set for over a week. I've scared
away girls by revealing this kind of information, but you know what? This doesn't happen very often, so how could I not take advantage of Bro'vember's biggest week?
Then it happened. The writer's strike. A punch to the gut, and a kick in the groin. Selfishness personified. Hollywood has had two decades of labor peace, and it blows up THIS
week? I don't know all the details, and I really don't care, but COULDN'T Y'ALL HAVE PUT THIS OFF FOR ONE MORE STINKING WEEK?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, yeah, you want more money, you're threatened
by reality TV, etcetera, etcetera ... well, I wanted to see Josh on TWO late night talk shows this week! I've waited for this for 18 stinkin' years, and y'all have screwed it up.
You know what? I'm going on strike against the writers.
"What does that mean, Johnny, and how exactly will you do that?"
I have no idea, but you can consider it done.
Someone Give this Gal an Award!
On Sunday, Britney Spears proved once again why a "Mother of the Year" award is not yet out of the question. In the midst of enjoying some quality court-ordered time with her two sons,
Spears left her kids in the car with a court-appointed supervisor so that she could go shopping for a chandelier. This should definitely sit well with the judge at Spears' upcoming
November 26 custody hearing.
Spears is like a Cocker Spaniel that's well past its prime but who nobody will put to sleep. Both just kind of coast through the remainder of life, contributing absolutely nothing of
worth to society. Another great American success story.
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Bro'vember 5, 2007
Josh Brolin Catapults American Gangster to Top of Box Office
Jerry Seinfeld has spent the better part of the last few weeks running around telling everybody to go see his new animated flick Bee Movie. He's been
doing publicity stunts, appearing on talk shows, running ads, pimpin' cereal, you name it. But you know what America said? "Up yours, smiley, we're gonna
go watch Josh Brolin strut around in a white pimp suit."
Oh, I'm sure the combination of Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington partially helped American Gangster rake in
approximately $46 million over the weekend, but we all know that Josh's breakthrough performance shoulders the biggest responsibility of that success. I officially
demand a Detective Trupo sequel! It could be called White Suit Pimpin', and the plot line would revolve around Trupo driving around in his Shelby Mustang,
kickin' rump cheek, refusing to take names, shakin' down drug dealers, and combing his sweet 'stache.
I'm a little surprised at the $46 million tally. Yes, the star power is there, but I thought the long runtime and R-rating would keep a lot of people away. I figured
a $30-35 million weekend was in order. Apparently I, of all people, underestimated everybody's desire to admire the Bro' Mo'. Just to put these box office numbers in
perspective, check out each actor's previous largest opening weekend:
Josh Brolin - Hollow Man - $26,414,386
Russell Crowe - Gladiator - $34,819,017
Denzel Washington - Inside Man - $28,954,945
Impressive numbers, indeed. Here are a couple of more Josh articles for your reading pleasure:
Josh Brolin is more than just a familiar face
Mixing work, home all wrong for Diane's Mr. Right (love his account of getting the No
Country for Old Men role)
Please note that Josh will be on both Leno (Tuesday) and Conan (Thursday) this week. Set those DVRs!
Opening this Week
FRED CLAUS
Director: David Dobkin
Stars: Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Rachel Weisz, and Elizabeth Banks
Rated: PG (for mild language and some rude humor)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: Santa's brother is coming to town.
Length: 116 minutes
Website: Fred Claus
Studio: Warner Bros.
The Plot: Santa's older, less famous brother, embittered by living in the shadow of his sibling's spotlight, is forced to move back to the North Pole.
Johnny's Take: The director of Wedding Crashers joins forces with Vince Vaughn to do a PG-rated kid's movie? Interesting. There's a screening
tonight, but I've got season tickets to Memphis Tigers basketball this year, and our first game is tonight. We're gonna win the NCAA championship this year, so I'm taking full
advantage of this ride. That means I'll probably miss more free screenings than usual. I'll give you a second to dry your eyes...
*One Mississippi*
Mr. Shade's taking his daughter to see it, so I'll get feedback from him. I like Vaughn, but early reviews aren't too hot so I don't think I'm missing out on much. Stephen Baldwin has a
cameo, for whatever that's worth to you.
LIONS FOR LAMBS
Director: Robert Redford
Stars: Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, and Robert Redford
Rated: R (for some war violence and language)
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Tagline: If you don't STAND for something, you might FALL for anything.
Length: 88 minutes
Website: Lions for Lambs
Studio: United Artists
The Plot: A congressman (Cruise), a journalist (Streep) and a professor (Redford) all walk into a bar ... oh wait, that's not right. Apparently they
are drawn into an investigation of two injured American soldiers in Afghanistan.
Johnny's Take: Robert Redford directing + Midget Cruise as a politician = likely boring political commentary. This one's screening Tuesday, and guess
what - the Tigers, barring some act of God that might cause them to lose tonight, are playing again. I'm one of the sponsors of the screening, so I know there will be a ton of
you in attendance. Feel free to send me your feedback and I'll share it with the readers.
Unless your feedback is full of grammatical errors and/or bores me to death. In that case, I won't force the readers to suffer.
P2
Director: Franck Khalfoun
Stars: Rachel Nichols, Wes Bentley
Rated: R (for strong violence/gore, terror and language)
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Tagline: A new level of fear.
Length: 98 minutes
Website: P2
Studio: P2 Productions
The Plot: On Christmas Eve, a driven career woman (Nichols) finds herself targeted by a sadistic security guard (Bentley) who traps her in her work's parking
garage.
Johnny's Take: This sounds pretty bad. Let me go watch the trailer...
*after two minutes and twenty-nine seconds of my life that I'll never get back...*
If this were any more derivative it'd be a Matthew McConaughey romantic comedy *rim shot* Thank you. The only think shocking about this movie is that it's not a remake of a bad 70s horror
movie! P2? Looks like this movie should've been called P-U! Hey-oooooooooo!
All right, I'm done. All (bad) joking aside, this looks terrible. I love the trailer's tagline, "The only thing more terrifying than being alone is realizing that you're not." That
doesn't even make sense. If you're in bed with your wife then it's not really frightening to wake up and realize you're not alone, now is it?
Ah, it doesn't matter. This film will be lucky to clear $4 million during its opening weekend.
Fun with YouTube - "I Wanna Talk About Me" Made Tolerable
Remember in my ring tone article how I pointed out my hatred for Toby Keith's I Wanna Talk About Me? Welp, somebody managed to find a
use for it that I can tolerate. Fans of The Young Riders will most appreciate this, and it helps if you know that the main character featured in the video (Ike, played
by Travis Fine - the bald-headed dude doing sign language) is a mute. Enjoy:
Ike Wants to Talk About Himself
Thanks to Australian Ann for passing this along to me.
Movie Mark Original #18 Revisited
Title: Let's Get Kraken
Tagline: Kraken Kills.
Cast: Roy Scheider, Lance Henriksen, Joseph Lawrence, a hot
chick or two
Plot Summary: Roy Scheider and Lance Henriksen are two old seafarers who have been
sailing the coasts of Norway and Iceland for years, searching for definitive proof of the mythological
Kraken.
Scheider (whose character suffers from Alzheimer's) is confident that he came across the dreaded sea monster about
21 years ago, but his detractors fruitlessly try to convince him that his bad memory has caused him to forget
that it was actually a gigantic great white shark that he faced.
After several ships go missing in the Norway/Iceland area, a young, arrogant member of the Coast Guard
(Lawrence) is sent to the area to investigate. A natural skeptic, he immediately dismisses Scheider's and
Henriksen's claims that the Kraken is the cause of the disturbance. The three men must reluctantly bond
together to solve the mystery and smooth the waters. Kraken ensues.
Joseph Lawrence's Introduction: After hearing that the U.S. Coast Guard is sending
a man to the area to investigate the missing ships, Scheider and Henriksen head to the scene to start their
own inquiry. Upon arriving, Lawrence sees the two old men and scoffs, "Somebody call Ray Bradbury! Looks like
we've got The Old Men and the Sea."
Henriksen, in all his grizzled wisdom, replies, "You're the expert sent to investigate this? GIMME A BREAK!
It was Ernest Hemingway who wrote The Old Man and the Sea. If you ask me, your experience needs to
BLOSSOM before you're ready to handle something like this, son."
Lawrence replies, "Whoa!"
Snazzy Catchphrase: Whenever Scheider and Henriksen prepare to start a search for
the sea creature, one of them will always rub his hands together and say, "Well, let's get kraken!" It's
anticipated that this catchphrase will make its way to t-shirts and bumper stickers and basically take the
country by storm.
Comic Relief: During what is sure to be a tense and smothering scene where our heroes
are battling the Kraken, Scheider and Henriksen will start to argue like an old married couple. An injured
and winded Lawrence will look up at the two men, laugh, and reply, "You guys are really KRAKEN me up over here!"
Everybody will look at each other, pause two beats, and then burst into simultaneous laughter, effectively
breaking the tension.
Please note: it'll help to have a working knowledge of Joey Lawrence's career (or the two lone highlights of it)
to fully understand all the references.
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Bro'vember 2, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: American Gangster
"Director Ridley Scott. Academy Award Winner Russell Crowe. Academy Award Winner Denzel Washington. Future Academy Award Winner Josh Brolin. Gangsters. Corruption. Quite the
impressive list of ingredients, wouldn't you agree? Mix them all together and American Gangster is a well-told, well-acted,
smoothly-paced true story about one man's unscrupulous rise to power and a selectively scrupulous man's attempts to bring him down.
But as much as I enjoyed the film, is it the homerun for which I was longing?"
Johnny reviews American Gangster, Josh Brolin, Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, and Josh Brolin's mustache.
CONTEST WINNERS: Flight of the Living Dead
I wish I could've given everybody who signed up a DVD, but alas, the studio only gave me an allotment of five. Congratulations to the following winners, you should receive your
DVD soon:
Dennis Box
Dennis Gaunt
Danielle Goff
Shane Mayhorn
Chris Salopek
The Josh Brolin American Gangster Performance Praise Parade
Josh has been getting rave reviews across the board for his performance as the crooked Detective Trupo in American Gangster.
I could post a lot more quotes talking about how great he is, but I think the following will give you a good enough idea of the impression he's making.
"Everyone involved seems to be coasting ... The one exception is Josh Brolin, who brings a hilariously skuzzy energy to his role as a graft-happy detective."
-- The Stranger
"Into this scrum marches a crew of dirty cops from the Special Investigations Unit, led by the movie's one authentic-looking gangster, Detective Trupo (Josh
Brolin)."
-- San Jose Mercury News
"...all the bad cops in New York (the most deliciously oily is played by Josh Brolin)"
-- San Jose Mercury News
"...the corrupt New York cops who are accustomed to taking their slice of the pie, led by a swaggering, perfectly cast Josh Brolin. (Not everyone could wear that moustache and
get away with it.)" -- The Canadian Press
"Josh Brolin plays a fine slimy cop, providing the satisfying outlet of somebody to hate." -- Star Pulse
"...a corrupt New York detective, Trupo (Josh Brolin in a knockout performance), who shakes down Lucas and other larcenous types. The baddest bad man in town, a thug's thug, Trupo
wears his power as confidently as the long black leather coat he whips on for battle." -- The New York Times
"Josh Brolin, as an unspeakably loathsome corrupt cop, almost steals the movie from the two stars." -- Seattle Post Intelligencer
"The film's best moments come when Washington cranks up his simmering intensity in confrontations with Josh Brolin..." -- Minneapolis Star Tribune
"...(Josh Brolin, effective in a Simon Legree mustache), the on-the-take cop who in the screenplay's moral relativism is a bigger villain than Lucas." -- Philadelphia Inquirer
"Scott gives the two stars nearly equal time, to the detriment of intriguing supporting players including Josh Brolin as a superlatively corrupt police
detective."
-- TCPalm
"...draws unwanted attention from a coven of corrupt cops led by the dourly debased Detective Trupo (Josh Brolin, in a dynamite performance)" -- Orange County Register
"Both run afoul of a Detective Trupo, played with oily delight by Josh Brolin, having an absolute ball as the embodiment of police corruption of the era." --Jackson Clarion Ledger
"Josh Brolin plays the most brazen of these crooked cops with loathsome bravado."
-- MetroWest Daily News
"Josh Brolin is chillingly good." -- Rolling Stone
"Josh Brolin, dripping with tough-guy privilege as a New York cop on the take."
-- Chicago Tribune
"The best performance is turned in by Josh Brolin as a crooked NYPD detective whose avarice ultimately proves his undoing. Brolin, who's equally great in the Coen
Brothers' upcoming No Country for Old Men, is having quite the year." -- Cleveland Free Times
The Year of the Brolin is in full effect, my friends.
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Bro'vember 1, 2007
What's Wrong With People: Ring Tones
I don't begrudge anybody for personalizing their ring tones, but come on, you know good and well that there are some that step over the lines of annoyance. Join me now as I explore
this controversial topic in...
What's Wrong With People: Ring Tones.
Coming tomorrow... my full review of American Gangster along with the Josh Brolin Performance Praise Parade.
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