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BREAKING NEWS - OCTOBER 2004October 28, 2004Review: Saw
"How far would you go to save your own life? Go ahead; ask yourself that question right now. Exactly how far would you go? Would you kill someone if your life were on the line? Would you cut through someone's stomach to get something you needed to save yourself? Would you watch an entire night of UPN programming with no interruptions? Would you make out with Rosie O'Donnell? The extent a person would go to save his life, an indication of how much he actually wants to live, is the underlying theme of Saw."Johnny Betts reviews Saw, starring Cary Elwes, Leigh Whannell, Danny Glover, and Monica Potter. If you can handle the brutal subject matter and Elwes' over-the-top acting, then this is the perfect thrill ride to get you in the Halloween spirit.Discuss this and more with about 3 other people at The Movie Mark message board. October 28, 2004Possible Return of the Sith SpoilersThe guy says that if you were disappointed with Episodes I & II (I personally enjoyed them, although I hated Jar Jar), then you'll view Return of the Sith as total Lucas redemption. If you're tempted beyond which you can handle, then here are the spoilers. The guy does refrain from giving out MAJOR spoilers, but read at your own risk. In more important news... I caught a screening of Saw last night. What an entertaining little thrill ride. I'll post my review by tomorrow morning. Once again, I had to see this with a pretty annoying crowd. There were some high school kids in the row behind us who would not shut up. I eventually yelled out, "QUIT TALKING!" and came *very close* to standing up, turning around, and callin' 'em out, but I refrained. One guy apparently thought it was funny to make fart noises about 20 times. People are idiots. I really wish I had been sitting behind them. A few kicks to their chairs would've done the trick. October 27, 2004Gargoyles - Wings of DarknessTwo CIA agents are sent to Bucharest, Romania to solve a high profile kidnapping. But what they discover is something unexplainable. An evil Gargoyle, once killed and banished forever, has returned with a vengeance. Stephanie and I are getting together with the Shades for a little Gargoyles party. There are rumors that Mr. Shade might actually watch the movie while wearing chain mail. Pictures will be taken of this great event, and a review will certainly follow. Michael Pare has made a giant leap from straight-to-video-in-Lebanon movies to made-for-TV movies. You will not want to miss this monumental event. October 26, 2004Bad Movie Tuesday - Firefight
"I think the most surprising thing about Firefight is that it's not as bad as it could have been. Oh sure, there's bad dialogue, bad acting, bad special effects, absolute murder of the laws of physics, and enough unintentional humor to make Michael Pare proud. So no, this isn't a good movie. But it's not completely unwatchable. Granted, that's not saying much. Somebody slipping on ice and falling flat on his face isn't unwatchable either. Yeah, it's bad, but you can't help but laugh."Johnny Betts reviews Stephen Baldwin's not-so-good Firefight.October 25, 2004This Week's Big DVD Release
"I also like how the new Dawn of the Dead introduces a specific
style of zombie - the twitcher. The twitcher is a rather harmless zombie that basically just shakes and moves
around with no real rhythm. Imagine a white person trying to dance at the office Christmas party and you've
got an idea of what the twitcher is.
Special Features - Unrated Director's Cut:
Not a Good Weekend For Ashlee SimpsonWhoops! Poor Ashlee. She's obviously not the Queen of Improvisation. And if that wasn't bad enough, she blamed her band for "playing the wrong song." Check it out: The Aftermath Should be interesting to see how the PR machine tries to spin this. October 22, 2004"No one from DreamWorks is in the audience, so why are you acting like this is a tryout for DVD commentary? To be perfectly honest, your one-liners and trivia tidbits aren't welcome by most people in the theater. I know who Bill Pullman is, so I really don't need you to shout out, "Hey, that's Bill Pullman, the guy from Independence Day." I hope you're not expecting me to thank you after the movie. Granted, you obviously provide an excellent alternative to IMDb, but I just hate to see you do all that work when somebody else has done it much more extensively. I'm just trying to help you avoid reinventing the wheel."I have no doubt that many of you can relate to the aggravation of watching a movie with a group of self-supposed comedians. Well have no fear, I bring to you a guideline regarding what these people can do to improve everybody's moviegoing experience. I give to you: It's a Movie, Not a DVD Commentary Tryout.October 21, 2004The Grudge Report
"According to The Grudge, there's a Japanese belief that when someone dies in a powerful grip of rage, then a curse is left behind. It's a 'stain' that forever becomes a part of the place where the death occurred, and it will kill everything it touches. All I can say is if that were true then the moviegoing public better hope I never die in a theater. The audience at this movie was probably the most obnoxious crowd I've ever had the displeasure of watching a movie with. Talk about being in a powerful grip of rage. More on that later."Johnny Betts reviews the latest American remake of a Japanese horror film - The Grudge, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jason Behr from Roswell, and Bill Pullman. Well, it's not really fair to say Pullman "stars" in this. His role is very small. Almost as small as Chris Kattan's relevance.October 20, 2004Star Wars III: Return of the Sith - The TrailerIn more important news, I saw The Grudge last night, and I'll have my review finished tonight. The annoying audience I saw the movie with has encouraged another What's Wrong With People article. Get ready, Friday's version of the Movie Mark will include my WWWP article entitled, "This is a Movie, Not a Tryout For DVD Commentary." October 19, 2004This Week's New Releases
The Grudge - Sarah Michelle Gellar is
an American nurse living and working in Tokyo who is exposed to a mysterious supernatural curse. Apparently, this curse
sends a person into a powerful rage before claiming his life and spreading to another victim. Well, that's what IMDb
says.It's a remake of the Japanese film, Ju-on. I don't speak Japanese, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say "Ju-on" is Japanese for "the Grudge." I know a lot of people like to whine and cry about Americans remaking Japanese horror films. Personally, I have no problem with it. Case in point: The Ring. I thought it was very good. As long as the movie entertains me, then I'm all for it. I prefer scary movies without subtitles. It looks like my softball game for tonight SHOULD be rained out, so SHOULD be able to see the movie tonight! BOOYA! Let me introduce you to a friend of mine: Mr. Pot. Jack Pot. However, never underestimate life's ability to throw me a curve ball and upset me. 
Surviving Christmas - Ben Affleck is
a millionaire who is faced with the prospect of another lonely Christmas. Affleck decides to revisit his old childhood
home, and he pays the family living there to let him stay for Christmas and try to relive some old holiday memories.
It should come as no surprise that Affleck becomes increasingly annoying and hijinks, as well as a few shenanigans,
ensue.We might as well call this the next step in Affleck's attempt at "Surviving a Major Career Slump." I don't know if this will do it though, but I guess he figured he had to try his hand at comedy. The trailer makes the movie look like it'll be pretty silly, but it looks like it'll be somewhat entertaining. After all, at least it has the cute and charming Christina Applegate. They're only screening it in the top 30 markets though, and Memphis ain't in the top 30, so I won't be seeing it early, and this isn't one I'll be paying full price to see at the theater. If anybody wants to watch it and send me the scoop, then here's your invitation. 
The Machinist - Christian Bale is Trevor Reznik (no
relation to Trent), a lathe-operator who is dying of insomnia. In a machine shop, occupational hazards are bad enough
under normal circumstances; yet for Trevor the risks are compounded by fatigue. This is no ordinary insomnia though,
and Reznik must follow a series of clues that will reveal what exactly is the source of his mysterious affliction.The more I find out about this movie, the more I'm looking forward to it. It's by director Brad Anderson; he also directed Session 9, a very good, yet underrated, psychological thriller set in an abandoned asylum. Unfortunately, the movie only opens in L.A. and N.Y. this weekend, and I've seen no indication of when it might get a wide release. The good news is that Ms. Cali is in L.A. AND she's a huge Christian Bale fan. So will she be a good little soldier and get the Movie Mark scoop this weekend? We can only hope. Christian Bale lost about 60 pounds for this role and was said to be little more than "skin stretched over bones." Rumor has it that he was originally planning to star in the Paris Hilton story, but it was decided that he wasn't "right for the part." Hollywood and its stupid casting practices. October 18, 2004This Week's Big DVD Release
"Dracula sounds like a mix of Count Chocula and The Count from 'Sesame Street.' I kept expecting him to say, 'Ah-ah-ah. One vampire bride! Ah twoooo vampire brides! Threeeeee vampire brides! Ah-ah-ah.' Where were Booberry and Frankenberry??? Sadly, Richard Roxburgh's Dracula is what hurts the movie most. He isn't menacing at all. If I stumbled upon his lair my biggest danger would be dying from laughter after he started flipping his ponytail around and talking in his silly accent."Special Features:
October 15, 2004Team America
"So all in all I'm gonna have to go middle-of-the-road on Team America: World Police. It's half brilliant satire and half 'let's see how vulgar we can get' humor. The satire worked for me, but the intentionally obvious vulgarity didn't. That's the big disappointment. The first half of the movie is set up brilliantly, but then it felt like they rubbed their hands together, laughed maniacally and said, 'All right, time to get nasty!' I know, I know, it's their trademark. But it just seems so unnecessary."At least we get to see Michael Moore get blown up! Read Johnny Betts' review of the often funny, but often vulgar, Team America: World Police.October 14, 2004The Team America Review? It'll Be Posted Tonight.I will go ahead and say this so that parents can make their weekend plans: Parents, I know the puppets look cute and cuddly in the trailer, but in no way, shape, or form should you take your children to see this movie. Let me reiterate: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FOR CHILDREN! The R rating should be enough to make this point clear, but I know a lot of parents will ignore the rating just because they'll think a movie with puppets will be pretty harmless. Sigh. Anyway, who else loves watching people like Sean Penn whine and squirm about their depiction in this movie? The bottom line is that if you're gonna say stupid things in life, then at some point you've gotta expect people to make fun of you for it. Alec Baldwin made himself a viable target the moment he publicly encouraged the stoning of a political figure and his family. That's the way it goes, Alec. Sorry if you can't handle it. Try not to abuse a woman because of it. October 13, 2004DVDs: Buy or Rent? New or Used?Check out Johnny Betts' Buy or Rent? New or Used? article to find out how much money you're losing by purchasing new DVDs. Plus, enjoy reading Johnny dissect the arguments of one pro-new DVD buyer. October 12, 2004Saving Seats at the TheaterIt's not a prototypical movie horror story, but saving seats can be a bad experience for many people. If you're like Dennis (or Mr. Shade), then you hate saving multiple seats for people. So what do you do when a group of friends asks you to block off seats for 'em? Or maybe you plop down in the perfect seat in a near-empty row only to have someone tap you on the shoulder and tell you that the seat is saved. How do you react? Here's one man's story about saving seats. In Other News...October 11, 2004This Week's DVD Releases
Let me just add that this movie is based on the book, "The Coming Global Superstorm" by Art Bell and
Whitley Strieber. Strieber wrote another book called "Communion," in which he claims he was told of
the Earth's upcoming apocalypse by aliens. If that's who you wanna get your science from then go ahead.
I hope you'll excuse me while I point and laugh at you.
Special Features:
There's a scene early in the movie where Kate convinces a guy to let her friend into a club even though
her friend isn't on the "list." Kate leans over, puts her head on the dude's chest, writes the girl's
name, and comments, "Now she's on the list." Worked like a charm. Come on, how many guys can resist that?
What? Oh, I mean besides any of the male designers on "Trading Spaces." Kate pretty much does the same thing
with this movie. She smiled, blinked her eyes at me, giggled a little, put her head on my chest, and convinced
me to keep watching.
Special Features:
October 8, 2004Troll 2/Horror Stories
Well, I was working on my "Used DVDs" article when I started reminiscing about Troll 2. If you've never
seen Troll 2, then you're simply missing out on what could possibly be the "best" bad movie of all time.
Check out this music video to get a
taste of just how bad Troll 2 is. It's about 30 MB and you need to
download Divx to play it.I'm gonna do a review of Troll 2 pretty soon. My "bad movie review" section just won't be complete without it. But what's more is I'm gonna try to get interviews with a couple of the cast members from the movie. Wish me luck, folks. This is the kind of thing that could shoot my readership into double digits. What am I at now, Mr. Shade, about 6 loyal readers? Mr. Shade: I hope you're not counting me. Oh. So yeah, I'm at about five loyal readers. But hey, I'm shooting up the celebrity list! Check out the recent "Most Popular Somewhat-But-Not-Really Celebrities" standings: 874. Gary Coleman 875. Johnny Betts - The Movie Mark 876. Vanilla Ice Coleman, you're next, and you're going DOWN! Word has it that if I move up another 25 slots then I'll be eligible for the next edition of The Surreal Life. Keep hope alive. So anyway, I'll give you the "Used DVDs" article next week. Friday is the perfect day to wind down with a Troll 2 video. And if that's not enough to keep you happy, then here are a couple of movie horror stories for you: A Kick in the Chair Illiterate? Too Young to Read? Stay Home. Remember, next week I'll be bringing you an advanced review of Team America: World Police and more. Feel free to discuss this or anything else you like at The Movie Mark Lobby. October 7, 2004This Week's New ReleasesFriday Night Lights - As y'all know, I didn't attend the screening of this one because I was too busy creating my own sports heroics in a come-from-behind softball win. However, despite a gay poster with three football players holding hands, this movie's getting a lot of positive buzz. Basically, it's a story about a Texas high school team's march to the state playoffs. My cousin Nicholas acted as my informant at the screening and reported, "This movie was great. It was like watching a real football game. At one point in the movie I was thinking, "What? No flag?" and, "That's a bad call!" I would give this a 4.5 or maybe even a 5." Based on H.G. Bissinger's book. Raise Your Voice - I didn't attend the screening of this one because not a single reader indicated any interest in it. Plus, the screening was yesterday, and that's my big TV night (Lost, CSI: NY, Smallville, Scare Tactics). Oh, and there's also the fact that it'd take a lot to get me to see a movie where Hilary Duff is a small-town girl who heads to the big city (LA) to pursue her dream of singing. Come on. This one's for the young teenage and pre-teen girls, which, if you can't tell, is a demographic I'm not a part of. Taxi - Nope, it's not a movie version of the old TV show. But I don't think too many people are calling for a movie version of a TV series starring Tony Danza and Danny Devito, so that shouldn't be a disappointment. What Taxi appears to be is potentially the single biggest thing that will cause Jimmy Fallon to regret leaving SNL. Fallon's a funny guy, but Taxi just looks like a slightly higher budgeted, special episode of VIP. Fallon's a cop who sets out to solve a string of bank robberies with a smart-mouthed cab driver (Queen Latifah)? I'm sure it's moderately entertaining, but since there wasn't a screening of this, I'm not interested enough to shell out the big bucks to see it. Coming TOMORROW... some movie horror stories and a special WWWP article by yours truly. Coming NEXT WEEK... a review of Team America: World Police. October 6, 2004The New Season of Scare Tactics Begins TonightKeep in mind; this ain't your grandmother's hidden camera show. What Scare Tactics does is take an unsuspecting patsy and places him or her in a scary situation that is typically a cliched scene from a horror or sci-fi movie. We all then get to sit back and watch their fearful reactions. I love it. Like Stephen says, "It's so funny to psychologically, intellectually and emotionally see how people react to certain circumstances when they're in fear. It's so hilarious." I agree. Does that mean we have a sick sense of humor? Maybe, but so be it. We ALL do in some way. Before you get too June Cleaver on me and start whining about how mean it sounds, allow me to point out that the victims are nominated by friends and family members. A lot of the times the victims are complete jerks who make you root for them to pee their pants, and other times the victims are pranksters themselves who are being brought down a peg or two. Here's an interview with Stephen Baldwin that goes into a little more about the show and his involvement. Stephen also has an interview at TV Guide online today. It appears that he's working on a new TV series. "Think The X-Files — that's all I can say right now," he says. Very interesting. Stephen's a very talented guy, so I hope this series will work out and keep him away from some of the straight-to-video fare he's been fond of in recent years. Scare Tactics airs tonight on the Sci-Fi channel at 9:00 PM Central. Oh yeah, and for all zero of you begging me for information on how my softball games went last night, in the bottom of the last inning I hit a triple to bring in the game-tying run and then scored the winning run. We beat the 2nd best team in the league. Who da man? What? Oh, well, I meant besides Josh Brolin. October 5, 2004The New and Improved Movie Mark!Plus, this is a good way to take a little ammunition away from my detractors. One British fan of Shaun of the Dead took exception to my review. Instead of debating the points I made in my review, he accused me of "trying to get people riled with a site that even shows what hosting package they use." I'll admit that was a stinging barb that kept me in bed, sucking my thumb for a good five days. I mean, how do you come back from such harsh criticism? Then the guy referred to The Movie Mark as an "obviously cheap budget host of a site." Most people choose to debate the thing they actually disagree with, but this guy went straight to the jugular. And you know what? You can make fun of me, my reviews, my mama, whatever, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY MAKES FUN OF THE HOST OF MY WEBSITE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!!!! Actually, I took advantage of a 50% off sale that lasted for two days. Else, I'd probably still be using a free account and chuckling at Brits who want to make fun of me about it. Anyway, I won't be seeing any movies this week. I can't see Friday Night Lights tonight because of my softball double header. No big loss. I could go see Hillary Duff's Raise Your Voice tomorrow night, but come on, is there one reader out there who is dying for me to review that? If so, then let me know. Otherwise, I've got way too much TV to watch on Wednesday night! But don't worry; I have plenty of material to give you this week. In fact, I think it's time for another bad movie review. Stay tuned and you'll have plenty to laugh at. Oh, and let me give somebody a little credit. He goes by "The Malevolent Praying Mantis" and in regard to one of my comments (which you can see below) I made in my Ladder 49 review, he said, "Your diatribe of critics is one of the best known to man at this current time." Thanks! I'm planning on an even longer diatribe of critics. I don't know if I want to do a "What's Wrong With Critics" article, or should I make a new section where I periodically make fun of things critics write? Let me know what you think either via email or on The Movie Mark message board. October 1, 2004Ladder 49
"Let me put it this way, there were firemen at the Ladder 49 screening that were actually weeping. When a movie can make a fireman weep, then I think it's done its job. But hey, if you're one of those reviewers who thinks readers are impressed by your ability to use a thesaurus, then feel free to take your liberal arts degree to the nearest fire station and yell out how sick and tired you are of firefighters being glorified. Let me know how that goes. After you can type again, that is."Johnny Betts reviews Ladder 49, starring Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta.Shark Tale
"Oh, and I had a bit of a scare at one point during Shark Tale. I thought the theater ceiling was falling on me, but it turns out the movie was just beating me over the head with its "accept people for who they are" and "being loved is more important than being famous" messages. Yeah, yeah, pass out pamphlets if you're so desperate to get that message across. That way I can just throw it away on my way out of the theater and not worry about it.Johnny Betts reviews the lackluster Shark Tale, which utilizes the voices of Will Smith, Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Robert De Niro, and Renée Zellweger. |
HOME PAGE  Journey to the Center of the Earth Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed  Weekend Results: 1. The Dark Knight($158,411,483) 2. Mamma Mia!($27,751,240) 3. Hancock($14,040,178) 4. Journey to the Center of the Earth($12,340,435) 5. Hellboy 2($10,117,815) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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