BREAKING NEWS - OCTOBER 2006
October 31, 2006
In My Opinion... Haunted Houses
One thing you readers have made abundantly clear is that you love when I rant about something. I've received
emails asking me to find something to get angry about so that I can write an article about it. You're
right - I'm at my best when I'm calling people out on their stupidity and holding them accountable. Somebody
needs to do it, and I'm more than happy to volunteer.
Well, you will be happy to know that I'm fed up with what's being passed off as "haunted houses" these days.
For $15 I expect more than a 7-minute walkthrough of a bunch of props and people in makeup jumping out and
saying "argh!" A weekend trip to Louisville was the last straw.
Please, enjoy my rant and my story in Haunted Houses and the Truth in
Reviewing.
On DVD This Week
I'm not even wasting my time with a separate page this week. The only big release is Mission Impossible
III. I haven't seen it, so I can't comment on much except to make fun of Tom Cruise for being a psycho
midget.
Ghost Whisperer - Season 1 also comes out, and y'all know I love me some JLH.
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October 30, 2006
TRAILER: The Dead Girl
Click here to view
the teaser trailer for Josh's upcoming feature film The Dead Girl. Unfortunately, we don't see too
much of Josh in the trailer, but if you look closely near the end you can see him walking out of a house.
It's the scene where Brittany Murphy is holding a trash bag. Also, almost immediately after that you see
Murphy outside with the trash bag and somebody driving away in a truck. I'm 99% certain that's Josh in the
truck.
Quit making fun of me.
Looking for some Halloween Action?
Click here for the full press release regarding what Fox Atomic is
offering Halloween fans.
If you're thinking about entering any of the costume contests then I have a surefire way of winning "sexiest
costume" - it involves a combination of size 11 biker boots, a cool beard, and dark wavy hair. They're calling
it "The Johnny Betts" though the costume has been mistaken for "Jesus with Biker Boots."
Foxatomic.com
Coming Tomorrow
All the latest info on this week's DVD releases, plus my rant on haunted houses.
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October 27, 2006
INTERVIEW: Stephen Simon
I was recently given the opportunity to interview, via telephone, Stephen Simon - producer of such movies as
Somewhere in Time and What Dreams May Come, and now director of Conversations with God.
Adapted from the books by Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God tells the true story of when, at the
lowest point in Walsch’s (Henry Czerny) life, he asked God some very hard questions. The answers he got from
God/within became the foundation of an internationally acclaimed book series, that has sold over 7 million copies and
been translated into 34 languages.
Stephen was kind enough to share what he feels are the intentions of the film and what he hopes audiences will take
from it. It's pretty long, so if you're interested in reading it then you might want to grab a cup of coffee.
You can read the interview right here.
UPCOMING MOVIE: Turistas
I recently saw a trailer for an upcoming horror movie called Turistas. It's about a group of young
backpackers whose vacation turns sour when a bus accident leaves them marooned in a remote Brazilian jungle
that holds an ominous secret.
You know what that means, don't you? That's right. I smell a Movie Mark Original entitled Baristas.
Of course the story would revolve around a group of people heading to Brazil to find the perfect coffee
beans but discovering that the Brazilian blends hold an ominous secret. I'll flesh it out and get back to
you.
Gary Busey: The Face of Insanity
If you want a good laugh then I highly recommend watching the VH1 Celebrity Paranormal episode with Gary
Busey. Busey and four Z-grade "celebrities" visit the abandoned Waverly Hills Sanatorium in Louisville, KY.
What proceeds is a bunch of "scares" that are so obviously manufactured to try to convince these gullible
check cashers that the place is haunted.
You've gotta love the enthusiasm with which Busey talks about hearing "the voice of the mechanical tiger."
What? And then he talks about how "spirit writing" really works and his near-death experience, and how he's
surrounded in silence that's very noisy and is coming from a place where he does not live...
Huh? This guy's allowed to roam the streets? Check it out. It's a real hoot.
Softball Update
Folks, it was a thing of beauty. Due to injuries and an inability to get all our best players to show up at
every game, my softball team (The White Team as we're called due to our white jerseys) finished 4th in the
regular season. We were clearly the third best team in our division, so let this be a lesson on how harmful
forfeits can be.
Anyway, we were faced with the daunting task of playing the #1 seed from the other division - the previously
undefeated Blue Team. To make a long story short, five great plays at 3rd base and three hits from Johnny
Betts later, and we walked off the field victorious. An upset of monumental proportions.
As I walked off the field, I looked up into the stands, eager to hear our fans chanting, "WE ARE ... WHITE
TEAM! WE ARE ... WHITE TEAM!" (in honor of the upcoming movie We Are Marshall). I was prepared to
get teary-eyed, and hey, who knows, I might be inspired to give a short speech.
But alas, all I saw was our two fans shivering in the cold, yelling a quick "good job," and running off to
their cars.
Men's softball - not quite Major League glory.
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October 26, 2006
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Route 666
"Route 666 was an absolute bore to fast forward through. At the
point where La Bamba realizes his father was on the prison road crew that died and he cuts his hand, clasps
hands with his zombie dad, and uses the blood to somehow give his dad magical power to kill the other zombies,
well, I stopped and asked myself, 'What am I doing with my life?'"
Johnny Betts reviews Route 666, starring Lou Diamond Phillips
and Lori Petty. Another really bad movie that I watched so that you, the reader, don't have to. Y'all owe
me for this one.
Coming Tomorrow
In addition to my interview with Conversations with God director, Stephen Simon, I'll comment on my most
recent Gary Busey sighting. He was on VH1's Celebrity Paranormal, and it couldn't have been
any more ridiculous. I'm pretty sure the man is legally insane.
I've also got a really lame joke about an upcoming horror movie that I've been patiently waiting to showcase.
Try to contain your excitement for just one more day.
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October 25, 2006
REVIEW: The Prestige
"Michael Caine informs us that 'Every great magic trick consists of three acts.' Embracing the similarities
with the three-act structure of a screenplay, director Christopher Nolan masterfully draws a correlation
between the two and presents audiences with a magic trick of his own."
Johnny Betts reviews The Prestige, starring Christian Bale
and Hugh Jackman. Let the Batman Vs. Wolverine jokes begin. Or continue, rather.
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October 24, 2006
The Prestige
How many of you were planning on seeing The Prestige tonight and were waiting to read my review before
making a final decision? Yeah, none of you. That's exactly what I thought. However, if those were your plans
then call up your sweetie and tell her the plans have changed. I need more time to work on the review, so I
won't be posting it until tomorrow.
I didn't want to rush it today and post something that wasn't of the utmost quality. I'd prefer to wait one
more day and post something that is still not of the utmost quality, but at least I can feel better about
putting in one more day's worth of half-hearted effort.
On DVD This Week
For those of you who don't know, new DVDs are released every Tuesday. I do my best to let you know what the
biggest releases are. Why? I have no idea. It profits me nothing. Oh, except the joy of all you dear
readers, of course.
Check out my DVD Preview page for all the info you need to make wise
rental or purchasing decisions.
I know you won't though. You'll ignore it. You're lazy and don't feel like clicking on the link, huh? Fine.
Be that way. See if I care.
Help a Friend Meet Matt Dallas
My friend Beth G. is a huge fan of Matt Dallas and his show Kyle X/Y. She has asked for my help in
winning a contest where she would be able to meet the guy. Since she's smart enough to tell me how absolutely
hilarious and insightful my reviews are, I feel compelled to do my part.
Would y'all like to help out a fellow Movie Mark?
Just click here
to send an email. If that doesn't work then just send an email to whoismattdallas@mattdallas.com with "Beth
Gawthrop - Washington, DC" as the entire subject line.
If you have something that YOU would like me to help you with then just let me know. For the right price I might
be so inclined to lend my assistance.
Once again, tune in tomorrow for my review of THE PRESTIGE...
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October 23, 2006
The Week Ahead
This week's gonna be huge. Huge, I tell you. Tomorrow I will post my review of the Christian Bale/Hugh
Jackman/Christopher Nolan collaboration The Prestige. Yes, believe it or not, I actually paid to see
it at the theaters, an event that's about as rare as a total eclipse of the sun. But Pat Benatar would know
more about that.
"What?"
What what?
"What do you mean by Pat Benatar?"
Didn't she have a song called Total Eclipse of the Sun or something?
"No. That's Total Eclipse of the Heart. And it's by Bonnie Tyler, not Pat Benatar."
Oh.
"You're so lame."
I know.
"And why are you having a conversation with yourself?"
Just to prepare everybody for my interview with Stephen Simon, the director of the upcoming Conversations
with God. That'll be posted on Friday.
"Whoa! Now you're comparing yourself to God?"
No, no, no! That was just my failed attempt at creating a humorous segue.
"Yep, you're lame."
Maybe so, but not as lame as Lou Diamond Phillips' current acting "career!" I'll be reviewing his box office
smash Route 666 in the next couple of days.
"Sounds sweet."
Totally. There's only one way in but no way out, you know?
"Really?"
That's why the tagline says.
"Wow. And someone got paid to write that?"
That's the assumption. I would've gone with something like "Route 666 - The Road to Hell is Paved with
Good Dead Intentions."
"Oooh. I take it back. You're not lame - you rule!"
Thanks. I know.
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October 20, 2006
REVIEW: Flags of Our Fathers
"If you're in the mood for a patriotic, inspirational depiction of the Iwo Jima battle then you might want to
rent John Wayne's Sands of Iwo Jima. Flags of Our
Fathers digs deeper into the story behind the Iwo Jima flag raising and those who raised it, and in
that regard, the movie gets its point across. However, there's a difference in getting your point across and
belaboring it. Clint should've followed his 'Lessness is bestness' philosophy. A little subtlety can go a
long way."
Johnny, a huge Clint Eastwood fan, proves how completely unbiased he can be with his
less-than-flattering review of Flags of Our Fathers,
starring Ryan Phillippe and Adam "Crybaby" Beach. This is perhaps my biggest disappointment of the year.
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October 19, 2006
The Ferryman
Above is the new poster for the upcoming independent New Zealand horror film
The Ferryman. Thanks to producer Matthew Metcalfe's
generosity, the Movie Mark is one of only two websites privileged enough to display this for you.
The film's first trailer is now available for a limited time.
Click here to give it a
watch. I'm intrigued, and I must say that John Rhys-Davies freaks me out.
Check out my The Ferryman page for more details and some
updated production stills.
Metcalfe also served as a producer on the extremely underrated and under seen
Nemesis Game, which I still recommend checking out
if you have yet to do so. Very well-done for a $1 million budget, and Carly Pope is Hot. That's
right; with a capital "H."
News of the Hollyweird
Did y'all hear about Wesley Snipes? He's been indicted on eight counts of tax fraud. He's accused of
filing false refund claims totaling $12 million, and he also apparently failed to file tax returns between
1999 and 2004. If found guilty he could face up to 16 years in jail. The last I heard, authorities cannot
find him (or his movie career).
If he's guilty then I certainly hope he serves the proper jail time, but when will he be held accountable
for Blade: Trinity? There's the real question. Don't
authorities realize that movie cheated audiences out of $52 million? That makes the $12 million in false
refund claims seem like chump change. Where's the justice???
Click here for more news of the Hollyweird.
Free Movie Screening of Borat
I've still got passes left for the free screening of Borat. Don't forget to
sign up while you still have a chance.
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October 18, 2006
Movie Mark Movie Tie-Ins
Who here has heard of The Asylum? They're a movie company
who specializes in low-budget flicks - more specifically low-budget movies that are eerily similar in title
and theme to popular big-budget films. Many people accuse them of ripping off studio films, but hey, it's
a business model that actually works.
Asylum calls their movies "tie-ins," claiming they use similar titles in order to tie into theatrical movies
that already possess an awareness within the marketplace. Examples include The Da Vinci
Treasure, Snakes on a Train, When a Killer Calls, Pirates of Treasure Island,
Hillside Cannibals, etc. Get the gist?
The theory is that when someone goes to rent The Da Vinci Code and it's all rented out then they may
look over and see The Da Vinci Treasure next to it on the shelf and think, "Hmm, starring C. Thomas
Howell? Well, this has to at least be 90 minutes of cheesy fun! I'll give it a shot." Apparently it's
making them a lot of money, so they keep making these movies.
Well, you're already familiar with my wildly popular Movie Mark
Originals, so I figured why not jump into the movie tie-in business myself and see if I can get a piece
of this action. Listen up, Asylum! I'm introducing a new feature where I'll periodically offer ideas for
movie "tie-ins" that'll allow you (and me) to cash in on popular big screen releases. I'll be more than happy
to flesh out the scripts. Just contact me and we'll discuss payment details. Now let's get started...
Title: Sags of Our Fathers
Tagline: A Single Diet Can End The War
Cast: John Goodman and other similarly fat actors
Synopsis: Sags of our Fathers follows the life stories of a few men after they
return from the war. Unable to find gainful employment, and no longer physically active, each man falls into
a state of depression. They once traveled the world, but now they never leave their couches, and all they can
find the energy to do is consume large quantities of food.
They faced combat daily and won many a' battle, but now they face their greatest battle yet - the Battle of the
Bulge. Will they find the exercise routine that's right for them and successfully raise that sag, or will they
continue to suffer from the ugly aftermath of Taco Bell? A potential lawsuit from Clint Eastwood ensues.
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October 17, 2006
Dwarf Mel Gibson
 
How many of you have heard of Kevin Weisman? He's best known as Marshall Flinkman on Alias, but I'm
about to make him better known as "Dwarf Mel Gibson."
I never really watched Alias, but I'd always see Weisman in a commercial for it, or I'd catch him in some
other TV guest spot, and I'd always think, "Man, that guy looks like a dwarf version of Mel Gibson." Not to
sound mean, but I honestly used to think the guy was a dwarf (take a quick look at IMDb and you'll see I'm
not the only one). But after some deep research it appears that he's just a really short guy with a
freakishly large head and tiny, stubby arms who happens to bear an odd resemblance to Mel Gibson.
Did you ever take your dolls or action figures and scrunch their little plastic faces and have a nice, healthy
laugh? If not then your childhood was seriously deprived. My cousin Brent and I could laugh for minutes on
end by smushing the faces of my sister's Barbie dolls. Think of him this way - Kevin Weisman is a Mel Gibson
action figure with his face scrunched.
I've always wondered why nobody had gone into detail on this subject. Too sensitive, perhaps? Too
edgy? Too controversial? Well, Johnny Betts isn't scared to bring such themes into the light. After seeing
Weisman in an episode of Ghost Whisperer (Jennifer Love Hewitt, baby!), I realized that it was
my civic duty to broach the topic.
Weisman's character was that episode's ghost who needed to find the light, and he had died of carbon
monoxide poisoning. Upon this revelation, I remarked, "Carbon monoxide might take my life, but it'll never
take my FREEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!"
Man, I laughed and laughed. Still chuckling as I type, as a matter of fact.
After all, you might as well laugh at yourself just in case nobody else does.
On DVD This Week
There are two good movies being released this week (The Break-Up,
Over the Hedge), one really bad movie
(American Dreamz), and several that I haven't seen and that
do nothing but encourage indifference.
Seriously, stay away from American Dreamz. It's not even
worth a rental. In fact, I'll go so far as to give it the ultimate condemnation - it ALMOST rivals
Date Movie in how unfunny and devoid of humor it is. Yeah,
THAT bad.
If you value my opinion or your money and time then you will heed my advice.
Check out my DVD Preview page for all the info you need to make wise
rental or purchasing decisions.
Johnny Betts Original Quote of the Day
I might not be proud of all my actions, but I'm sure amused by them.
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October 16, 2006
Ye Ode to Box Office
The Grudge 2
This weekend's box office king
But a lot of money doesn't make you good
Just listen to Britney Spears sing
Man of the Year
Somehow managed to place 3rd
I'll never understand why people
Would pay for another Robin Williams turd
"You can't see me!"
It's John Cena's wrestling phrase
"We WON'T see you," replied audiences
As The Marine finished in 6th place
It's box office, baby
It's bigger than Michael Moore's socialist dream
As long as they make the money
Sequels and remakes reign supreme
Opening this Week
Flags of Our Fathers
My expectations soared high
I love Clint Eastwood
But this sent me home with a disappointed sigh
At least there's The Prestige
My most anticipated movie of the remaining year
Batman, Wolverine, and Christopher Nolan?
I'll pay to see this, since there are no screenings here
Marie Antoinette
Starring Kirsten "Skeletor" Dunst
Rather than see this, I'd much prefer to be
A rude, "abnoxious" jerk whose face gets "punced"
A movie called Flicka
Starring bald-headed Tim McGraw
I had to skip Saturday's screening
And for that I thank the Lord for basketball
By Johnny Betts, the five minute poet
Coming Tomorrow
In addition to this week's DVD preview, I'll treat y'all to a small tribute to the man I like to call "Dwarf
Mel Gibson." I have no idea why more attention hasn't been drawn to the correlation, so I'm stepping up to the
plate.
And as you could probably tell from my work of art above, Memphis is unfortunately not screening The
Prestige. I would like to see it this weekend, but it depends on how the ol' schedule shakes out. I
have seen Flags of Our Fathers, and I will be reviewing it this week. Unfortunately, it's one of my
biggest disappointments of the year.
Somebody needs to give Adam Beach a couple of testosterone shots. Please, Hollywood, don't ever give this
man another crying scene.
CONTEST: The Departed
If you're gonna sign up then CLICK RIGHT HERE and do it now. Winners will be
announced at the end of the week.
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Borat
There were some problems with the Borat sign-up on Friday. You can thank the server for that. All
issues have since been resolved, so if you're in the Memphis area then please
sign up now. I've got 100 of these passes to give away. Tell friends and family.
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October 13, 2006
REVIEW: The Grudge 2
"We learned from The Grudge that there's a Japanese belief that
when someone dies in a powerful grip of rage, then a curse is left behind. Much like a Ben Affleck movie, it's
a 'stain' that forever becomes a part of the place where the death occurred. Well, in
The Grudge 2 we learn that when a horror movie covers its budget
during its opening weekend then its sequel will be rushed out, and more often than not it will be as bad as
this and will leave a stain on any theater where the movie shows."
Johnny reviews The Grudge 2, starring the furrowed brow of
Amber Tamblyn. If you're looking for a few good scares on this Friday the 13th then find a bad area of
town to walk through at night. You're not going to find them in this stupid movie.
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Borat
Because I'm such a nice guy, I'm inviting you to a FREE, ADVANCED screening of Borat.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 100 people to sign up
will receive a pass. Thanks for participating.
What: Advanced Screening of Borat
When: Thursday, November 2nd at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
Country Giants Week
Running through October 29, 2006, The "Insiders Pass to the CMA Awards Sweeptakes," gives one lucky viewer the
chance to go behind the scenes at the Country Music Awards. The grand prize winner will be flown, with a guest,
to Nashville to accompany rising country music group Blue County to the parties and events surrounding the CMA
Awards, as well as the ceremony itself. The official prize package includes roundtrip airfare, 3 nights
accommodation, ground transportation and admission for 2 to the 2006 CMA Awards.
If you're interested, you can register at www.biography.com
for your chance to win.
The sweepstakes leads up to The Biography Channel's Country Giants Week celebrating country music and its
artists. The week features six nights of primetime country fun including four world premiere programs:
"Mavericks: Honky Tonk Heroes" (10/30 @ 9pm ET) and "Mavericks: Honky Tonk Angels" (11/1 @ 9pm ET), two
star-studded hour long specials depicting the rebellious nature of country music's most successful artists;
"Biography®: LeAnn Rimes" (11/2 @ 8pm ET); and "Race to the Red Carpet: CMA's" (11/2 @ 9pm ET), a fast-paced,
insider's glimpse leading into this year's Country Music Awards.
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October 12, 2006
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Komodo Vs. Cobra
"If you love bad movies starring Michael Paré (pardon the redundancy) then there's enough here to provide a few
good laughs, but I wouldn't recommend watching this without the convenience of the ol' fast forward button.
Remember kids, when it comes to Sci-Fi Originals, FFW is your best friend."
Johnny reviews Komodo Vs. Cobra, starring Michael Paré and
Michelle Borth. Don't let the bad CGI fool you into thinking this is a product of the early 90s - it was
made in 2005. Sad, I know.
Coming Tomorrow
Here's the deal on this week's releases:
Man of the Year - This was not screened in Memphis (thank goodness), therefore,
I have not seen it and will not be reviewing it. I most likely will never see it.
The Marine - Surprise, surprise, this wasn't screened in Memphis either. I'm
guessing it hasn't been screened for critics anywhere. It's a shame because this is one I wanted to watch for
free and make fun of in a review, but it's certainly not one I'll pay to see. Oh well.
Infamous - This just looks bad. Did we really need another version of
Capote so soon? I skipped the press screening for this one. My apologies to those of you who have
eagerly anticipated my review.
The Grudge 2 - This one is being screened tonight. At 10:00 PM!! But I'm
young, and a bit of a night owl, so I'm gonna attend. Right after I take care of business in softball I'm
gonna run home, shower (calm down ladies, and that weird guy who creeps me out at screenings), and head on
over to the theater.
I'll have the review posted sometime tomorrow.
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October 11, 2006
Tower Rip-Offs
Somebody told me yesterday that the Tower Records in Memphis was going out of business and they were supposedly
having an "everything must go" sale. Well, since I work downtown I figured I'd walk over there and see if I
could find any good deals.
Folks, 10% off an item that is at least 30% more expensive than you can find it anywhere else is NOT a sale.
What insulted me most was how much their DVDs cost! The Poseidon DVD, which you can buy brand new
anywhere else for $19.99, is $34.99!!! Silent Hill? $28.99!!!!
These aren't HD DVDs or Blu Ray discs. Nope. They're regular DVDs. REGULAR DVDS! FOR $35!!!!
Man, you do realize you can wait a couple of months until Blockbuster has their next 50% off sale and get these
very same movies for $5, don't you?
Has anybody actually gone to Tower Records and paid these insane prices? If so then please send me an email.
First, I would like to hear your justification for spending that kind of money on a DVD. I want to have a nice
laugh as you attempt to rationalize it. Second, we need to meet up so I can slap some sense into you. It's
for your own good.
Sheesh. Tower deserves to go out of business when they're charging prices like that.
They have a sign in the store that reads, "All sales final." Methinks they need to change it to, "All
rip-offs final."
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October 10, 2006
The World Premiere of Josh Brolin's New Movie
Good news! One of Josh Brolin's new movies - The Dead Girl - will receive its world premiere at the AFI
Fest in Los Angeles in November! The dates of the festival are November 1 - 12, but individual showings have
yet to be announced.
For those of you who don't know, the AFI FEST is the longest-running film festival in Los Angeles and it's one
of the most influential film festivals in North America. At least that's what the
website claims.
Most of you probably know the AFI (American Film Institute) for all the movie lists compiled by their panel of
80-year-olds. If you're not aware of their "100 Years series" then don't sweat it. These old farts think
Tootsie is the second funniest movie of all time.
Not much information has been released about the movie, but it has something to do with the clues to a young
woman's death coming together as the lives of seemingly unrelated people begin to intersect.
Joining Josh in the cast are Toni Collette, Brittany Murphy, Marcia Gay Harden, James Franco, Rose Byrne,
Giovanni Ribisi, Kerry Washington, Mary Steenburgen, Mary Beth Hurt, and Piper Laurie.
Y'all are more than welcome to start up a "Let's Send Johnny to The Dead Girl World Premiere" fund
to pay for my airfare, tickets, etc. You better hurry though. You've got less than a month to organize car
washes and bake sales and whatever other nifty ways y'all can think of to raise the cash.
I appreciate everybody pitching in to do this. Who could ask for better readers? Too nice.
On DVD This Week
Did y'all know some new DVDs are being released today? It's true. I read about it in the paper or
something. Check out my DVD Preview page for more info on
Click, Garfield,
and a couple of sequels that no one wanted nor asked for.
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October 9, 2006
An Ode to Box Office
In the top spot, The Departed bows
Scorsese's biggest opening ever
Almost as big as his eyebrows
A massacre in Texas opened strong as well
Chainsaw action in October?
Always an easy sell
Employee of the Month
It ain't movie of the year
Or even champ of the week
But Jessica Simpson's rear
Helped cover a budget so meek
It's box office, baby
It's bigger than Star Jones' head
Quantity over quality
That's Hollywood's cred
Opening this Week
Sarah Michelle Gellar's back
And she's got a Grudge again
She's joined by the traveling pants
Of her movie sister Amber Tamblyn
Robin Williams trying to be funny?
Calling himself Man of the Year?
Sure, and let's see if Van Damme
Might be available for Shakespeare
John Cena the wrestler
Making his big screen debut
Maybe he looks like a Marine
But I bet this smells like Pepe Le Pew
By Johnny Betts, the five minute poet
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October 6, 2006
REVIEW: The Departed
"Don't let the movie's lengthy runtime steer you away. The 2 1/2 hours move very quickly, and not once did the
film start to drag. I thought it did at one point, but that was just Martin Sheen's face lift."
Johnny reviews The Departed, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt
Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, and Vera Farmiga. If you were impressed by the movie's trailer then
you'll be even more impressed by the movie itself. Easily one of this year's best.
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October 5, 2006
CONTEST: The Departed
In the presence of rare displays of raw emotion, some merely wonder, "Um, any free stuff to give away?"
Good news, all ye insensitive souls! I do indeed have free stuff to offer. I've got a shirt, a hat, and a
couple of posters for The Departed for you to try to win.
Sign up RIGHT HERE!
Oh, and just kiddin' about the "insensitive soul" stuff.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of The Departed. It's one of this year's best.
The Sunset Paradox
The beauty of the sunset is lost on those engulfed by its ensuing darkness; the bliss of ignorance is
lost on the heart languishing in its shadow.
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October 4, 2006
Quandary in D Minor
Souls of broken dreams. Haunting those still, quiet moments of the morning. Solace subsides, but where do
you turn when laughter sleeps?
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October 3, 2006
On DVD This Week
Two big movies on DVD this week: Thank You for Smoking
and X-Men: The Last Stand. You may be surprised at
which one I'd give the bigger recommendation. But probably not if you've already read my highly entertaining
and alarmingly accurate reviews. Check out the DVD Preview page for
more useful info.
Monday's Johnny-Vision
I watch a lot of television. You watch a lot of television. So why not riff on it? Why should television
shows be immune from my jocularity? When's the last time you heard somebody use the term "jocularity"?
I'll try not to post any huge spoilers just in case you haven't watched something yet, but there might be minor
ones. Oh, and if you don't watch these shows then you might be confused. And please note, there won't be
much structure to this. Consider it random and stream of consciousness.
Anyway, let's get started on Monday's Johnny-vision...
Prison Break - What's up with Michael sounding like he's auditioning for a porno
whenever he talks to somebody not in his crew? Did you see it last week when he told the woman he would,
"Turn your juice back on," and took about 10 minutes to spit out the line because he was saying it slow and
pervy? He did the same this week with the dude who showed up at the house to take chicky to tennis. It's
a little disconcerting.
So FBI dude (the ever-ugly William Fichtner) wants Tweener (AKA Wigger) to rat out his buddies but makes him
drink a Big K Cola?? I don't think so. I'd be all (in my best Tweener impersonation), "Look E.T., if you
want me to spill the beans then you gonna have to hook me up with some Dr. Pepper in this hizzy, yo. And I
don't mean Mr. Pibb and I fo' sho' don't mean Dr. K. We coo?"
Then you better believe I'd have taken the sweet deal they were offering. Sorry, Michael. It'd be worth it
just to get T-Bag off the streets. No man called T-Bag should ever see sunlight.
How I Met Your Mother - Loved the scene where Marshall seduced Lily with his calves.
If you enjoy comedies then why are you not watching this?
Line of the night - Robin while trying to describe
the great genes in her family, "I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision, which was
unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in."
CSI: Miami - This must be a repeat because the intro scene is a collage of
scantily-clad people around a swimming pool with Cuban-sounding music playing. Nope, seems to be new. This is
just the 48th consecutive episode with a similar intro. Holy cow, is that Cuba Gooding Jr.???
A robbery goes bad and there's a dead woman in the pool. Rex Linn (who was known as "that guy!" during the
90s by my friends and I for all the bits parts he had in movies) tells David "Horatio Caine" Caruso, "These
bums get away with diamond trinkets."
*pause*
Here's where I predict what happens next... *ahem* Caruso will put on his sunglasses and say something like,
"But they won't get away with murder." Cue opening credits.
Let's go to the tape...
Caruso puts on his sunglasses (check) and says, "But they're not gonna get away with murder!"
Man, I am so good! This is really too easy.
Guest starring - Omar Gooding. Let's do a quick check - it's Cuba's son. Weird. They look about the same
age.
Does anybody else get creeped out when Caruso talks to little kids? It's even worse when he gives the kids a
phone number and promises he'll be there if they call. Disturbing.
I have a theory that Caruso insists on filming every scene while constipated. I challenge you to come up with
a better explanation for his strained, pained line reading.
We get to the end of the episode and everybody is walking in slow motion on the beach, smiling, with the sunset
behind them. A ballad fills the air. What is this? One Palm Tree Hill?
Invasion of the Body Snatchers - I've had many people tell me this is a "horror classic,"
and since it finally came on Turner Classic Movies, I decided to record it (the Donald Sutherland version). A
quick question for all of you who like the movie - have you seen it since you were 12? The scariest thing
about it was watching the fat, shirtless, hairy guy get a massage.
A classic? Yeah, a classic bore.
I haven't watched Heroes or Vanished yet, so if I decide to discuss more TV tomorrow then I'll
probably include those.
What do y'all think? Do you watch enough TV that my insight provides a little entertainment? Is this something
I should continue? Or does it just waste everybody's time? As always, feedback is appreciated.
Flicka Screening
Don't forget to sign up for the Flicka screening right here.
Still to Come this Week
I've got some new Movie Mark Dictionary terms to share, and I think everybody's ready for my Komodo Vs.
Cobra review.
Quick Correction
I mentioned yesterday that there were no Memphis screenings this week for Employee of the Month. I'd
like to thank Mrs. Johnnie Del Rosario for correcting me. There's actually one on Wednesday. As it turns
out, press isn't "officially" invited, and that's why I wasn't informed. I have yet to decide if I'm gonna
go.
UPDATE - Press has officially been invited. Since this now means I can get to the theater right before the
start of the movie, I might end up going.
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October 2, 2006
Weekend in Review and the Week Ahead
- Box Office, Baby! All right, kids, what lesson did we learn this weekend about
making a movie that will earn the top spot at the box office? Include animated animals, and most likely, they
will come. Apparently it doesn't matter that Open Season is about the 79th movie of its kind this
year.
It's no wonder that most filmmakers don't want to try anything original anymore.
- A Touching Ceremony, I'm Sure. If any of you were wondering what Anna Nicole
Smith deemed an appropriate amount of time to grieve her deceased son, well, apparently the answer is "less
than three weeks." Just 18 days after her son's suspicious death, Smith married her lawyer on a boat near
the Bahamas in what her people are calling a "spiritual" ceremony. I'm not sure how they managed to say that
with a straight face.
One of Smith's lawyers confirmed that the couple "exchanged vows before God." God immediately spoke from the
heavens and replied, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want nothing to do with THIS!"
The couple is planning to file divorce papers upon returning to the States.
- The Great Raid. Watched this one last night and I thought it was very good.
Based on Hampton Sides' book Ghost Soldiers, The Great Raid tells the true story of the 6th
Ranger Battalion who traveled thirty miles behind enemy lines and orchestrated the greatest rescue mission
in U.S. military history by freeing 500 American POWs.
In a world where movies tiptoe around political correctness in an effort to avoid offending anybody, this
movie does a great job of tellin' it like it is and showing just how brutal and uncivilized Japanese soldiers
were. I was cheering when the rescue mission finally got under way and the Americans started kickin' tail and
not even botherin' with taking names.
If you like war movies based on true stories then I highly recommend The Great Raid, starring James
Franco, Benjamin Bratt, and Joseph Fiennes.
- This Week's Movies. I'll be screening Martin Scorsese's eyebrows' new movie
The Departed tonight. It looks promising, but there's still the downside that Leonardo DiCaprio
stars.
That's all the movies I'll be seeing this week. Memphis isn't getting screenings of Employee of the
Month or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. In other words, the studios don't have much
faith in either one.
"But you'll pay to see them this weekend and give us reviews next Monday, right?"
Um, how long have you been reading the site? Poor, deluded child. If you wanna pay for my ticket then I'll
be more than happy to go see either one of these and review 'em. You can even splurge and buy me a
popcorn/coke combo. I won't mind at all.
My New Goal
This is lofty, and it'll take quite a while to reach, but my new goal is to write 1 million movie reviews.
You're probably wondering why. It's simple - I wanna be able to pay a little homage to Bon Jovi's Wanted
Dead or Alive and say, "I've reviewed a million movies, and I've ROCKED 'em all."
It's gonna be sweet.
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