BREAKING NEWS - OCTOBER 2007
October 31, 2007
The Bro' Rocks the Mo'
It's official - I want a white pimp suit and a Brolin mustache so I can be Detective Trupo for Halloween. As you know, the American Gangster screening was last
night, and as I'm sure you expected Josh totally steals the show. I know it's hard to believe I can be objective about this, but let me say in as unbiased a manner as
humanly possible, the Bro' went toe-to-toe with two Oscar winners who have both played a bevy of bad a's, and Josh owned them in every scene they shared. That's right.
He didn't give an inch, and in fact, took two or three in the process.
Two of the biggest audience reactions came via his actions, and one particularly nasty move on his part got the biggest "ooooooooooh" moment of the night. My sister
was reduced to declaring her hate for his character, and I explained that meant he was doing his job. I proceeded to cheer him on, much to the chagrin of the
moviegoers who couldn't figure out why I was rooting for this corrupt cop.
Hey, brother just wanted a cut! Denzel should've known better than to be struttin' around in a $50,000 chinchilla coat without so much as buying Detective Trupo a
cup of coffee!
His performance was all the rage afterward, with many a' satisfied moviegoer pontificating on how he could be so good at playing such a bad guy. Welcome to the bandwagon,
folks. There's not much room remaining.
His role isn't as big as I would've liked, but he thoroughly deserves a Best Supporting Actor nod. Mark Wahlberg got nominated for his role in
The Departed, and he probably had about the same amount of screentime as Josh. As good as Wahlberg was in the film,
Josh is much better here. Will Hollywood have the guts to do what's right? Not likely.
Enjoy a little Brolin praise in the following articles:
Brolin, on target
Josh Brolin gets Oscar buzz for 'No Country for Old Men'
Hollywood rediscovers Josh Brolin
I knew this day would come, and I know what you're thinking, so let me answer - yes, it does indeed taste sweet to have been so right all these years. Congrats, Hollywood,
for figuring out what I've been saying for 18 years. Geniuses.
Movie Mark Original #17 Revisited
Thanks to both Laslo and Trantee for submitting posters.
 
Title: Frankenfurter
Tagline: He'll get all up in your grill.
Cast: Daniel Baldwin, Jan-Michael Vincent, Vanessa Angel
Plot Summary: An ancestor of Oscar Mayer (Jan-Michael Vincent - playing John
Mayer) becomes enraged when he reads a beloved and famous movie reviewer's website where the famed reviewer
makes fun of Frankenfurters and comments on how appropriate the name is due to the fact that Frankenfurters are
indeed pieced together from various meat parts.
Mayer decides to raise an army of hot dogs by injecting them with human DNA and vows to cause anybody and
everybody who ever made fun of the word "Frankenfurter" to rue the day.
A down-and-out cop with drinking and obesity issues (Daniel Baldwin) is called on to stop the madman. It's a
case that could get his career back on track. Wiener ensues.
Johnny Betts Cameo: Johnny Betts, the aforementioned beloved and famous movie
reviewer, feels partly responsible for the hot dog mayhem, so he offers his help, knowing that his size 11
Biker Boots can effectively stomp some wiener. Betts shows up at Baldwin's office, flamethrower in hand,
and asks, "You ready for a wiener roast?" Baldwin calmly replies, "I'm gonna RELISH it." Betts nods and
adds, "I'll bring the marshmallows."
Climactic Scene: After the exciting battle with the army of hot dogs, where Betts
and Baldwin roast the entire lot of 'em, Betts taps his Biker Boots (size 11) with his flamethrower, turns to
the camera, and replies, "That's how you show a hot dog his mustard."
But Vincent hasn't conceded defeat just yet. He has kidnapped Vanessa Angel, the woman he loves. She can't
return the love mainly because she can't bear to look at his stretched face, a face that has seen so many
plastic surgeries that it appears he's been pieced together from different people. Vincent, a truly sad
and pitiful character, sings tragically how he wishes he were an Oscar Mayer wiener because then everybody
would be in love with him.
Betts and Baldwin implore him to leave Vanessa alone and to face them like a man. Vincent calmly sings,
"My bologna has a first name, it's D-E-A-T-H. My bologna has a second name, it's W-I-S-H," as he mad
rushes the two heroes, guns a' blazing. Will our heroes grant his wish? Or will they be left wishing
they'd brought more condiments?
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October 30, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane
"Let's face it; you're either on board with this film from the moment you read the premise or you're not. Not a lot of middle room here. So with that in mind, no, this is not
what most people would technically classify as a good movie. The average movie fan is not going to be sucked into the story and blown away in surprise at how awesome it is.
If you love stupid zombie movies, however, then there may be a little something here for your cheese-starved enjoyment."
Johnny reviews Flight of the Living Dead, starring a whole bunch of people you've never heard of.
Josh Brolin on Jay Leno
Bro'vember is starting off strong with an appearance by Josh on Jay "I'm so Unfunny" Leno next Tuesday, November 6th. Don't worry; I'll post a reminder. Go ahead and prepare for lots
of quotes and links to Brolin interviews. It's gonna be a crazy month, and you better believe I'll be wringin' it dry.
Free Taco Bell Today
I have no idea why they started this promotion, nor do I care to find out, but due to the Red Sox' World Series victory Taco Bell is offering one free taco per customer today. There's no
charge for the post-taco diarrhea either.
What? Oh come on, it's Taco Bell! Consider the above comment a warning.
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October 29, 2007
The Movie Mark Lives On
Welp, I gave ya'll a kick with the ol' size 11s, and you responded in a big way. Good feedback. Except for some douchebag named Justin. Just kiddin', Justin. Unless your comments
were meant to be taken seriously. In which case, you are indeed a tool.
Through your comments I've found that Sci-Fi Originals, while possessing some outrageously cheesy titles, don't have a monopoly on the worst. Apparently, Troma and Full Moon have a
whole string of movies awaiting my ridicule. Remember, The Gingerdead Man is a Full Moon production, and that's one of the "best"
bad titles of all time. Dennis B. alerted me to Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead.
I know that totally sounds like a Movie Mark Original, but it's in fact a real movie. Most people see that title, roll their eyes, and steer far clear of it. I, on the other
hand, immediately think, "I so have to rent that!"
Dead and Breakfast
This isn't a Sci-Fi Original, but Dead and Breakfast aired on the Sci-Fi Channel this weekend, and my curiosity got the better of me. But you know what? It was actually
entertaining! It knows not to take itself seriously, and it plays out more like a zombie horror spoof rather than attempting to be a straight-up horror flick. How many zombie
movies have you seen where a country rock band is zombified, and during an attack on a house the band raps lyrics like...
I like hemoglobin
in my mouth, y'all
Frontal lobin'
'Til I spit it out
We be gloatin'
Humans taste like trout, yo
And some after dinner smokes
That's what I'm all about
...before breaking into a country-ish chorus about how "blood's as sweet as moonshine whiskey"? All while the zombies break into a Thriller-esque dance sequence. If that all
sounds insane to you, well, it is. But if you're thinking, "Man, I've gotta check that out," well, then you probably do. Full review to come.
Coming Tomorrow
Since y'all answered the call to arms, it's only fair that I respond by providing you with my review of Flight of the Living Dead. That'll be tomorrow. Also remember this
is "Josh Brolin in American Gangster" week. I'll be screening it tomorrow. The screening of Martian Child is tonight, and I'm sure it's cute and sweet and all
that good stuff, but I think I'm going to skip it. I've got stuff going on every night this week, and something just has to give. I'd have to say a movie about a kid who thinks
he's from Mars is at the bottom of my priority list.
Australian Ann has suggested that I christen the month of November as Mo'vember, in honor of Josh Brolin's awesome mustache that will get major exposure with the releases of
Gangster (November 2) and No Country for Old Men (November 21). I also think Bro'vember would be appropriate. Pick a preference and run with it.
Oh, and there are still a few passes left for the Lions for Lambs screening. I know some of you have no desire to see Tom Cruise
running around on screen with his midget legs, but hey, it's free.
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October 26, 2007
Woodshed Time
*Johnny begins a slow clap*
Good job, readers. I busted my butt on my Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles list, and you know how many of you commented? One. That's right;
one person took minimal time and effort to respond, despite the fact that I added an easy-to-use comment section. Thanks, Shane, I appreciate it.
But you know what? I'm not posting the Flight of the Living Dead review today.
"But Johnny, I've been looking forward to it all week!"
Too bad. Maybe if more of you acted like you gave a crap about my hard work then I would've posted it. Truth be told, there's a scene in the movie I want to watch again just so I
can verify something in my review, but upon further reflection, maybe a little punishment is necessary to wake y'all up. Below you'll see the sign-up page for a free screening of
Lions for Lambs. And you know what? I'll have no problem getting 100 people to sign up for that.
"Yay for Johnny! We get free stuff!"
Hey guys, feel free to comment on my article!
"Screw you, Johnny! Give us more free stuff!"
Well, I would refrain from posting the sign-up page for now, but I'm kind of at the mercy of the studio there. However, here's how it's gonna go down - I will not update the Movie Mark
again until I have at least THREE more comments on the Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles article.
"What do you mean you won't update TMM? Not at all?"
Nope. If there aren't a total of four comments (in addition to the existing one) over the weekend then there will be absolutely no update on Monday. Then if by Tuesday there aren't
a total of four comments then don't expect an update either. No reviews, no articles, no announcements of contest winners - nothing.
"But Johnny, that's not fair! I don't know what to say!"
Come on, folks. Stretch your brains a little bit. You expect me to believe that a handful of you can't come up with something clever to add to the comments section? It doesn't
have to be profound. Just make up a stupid title you think would be perfect for a Sci-Fi Original (or Movie Mark Original) title, or mention a Sci-Fi Original title that I
didn't. I'm not gonna continue to spend my free time working on stuff nobody has any interest in implementing.
We have an entire weekend to accomplish this goal. Click here, read the article, and then add comments under the section
labeled "Add Your Thoughts or Suggestions." Even Paris Hilton could follow these instructions.
What good am I doing if my existence merely serves as spoon-fed entertainment that never challenges or stretches your perceived mental limitations? Push those limits, I say.
Bury your ballast. Shine as a beacon of creativity. Tap a humor vein that you didn't even realize you possessed. I have faith in you. At least in three or four of you.
The future of TMM is at stake. Will you be the one to step up and take responsibility? This is YOUR chance to be a hero. I have presented you with an opportunity; now I
suggest you seize it.
I don't recommend thinking you'll call my bluff.
FREE SCREENING: Lions for Lambs
When: Tuesday, November 6
Where: Malco Paradiso 7:30 PM
Who: You and a guest
Why: Because.
How Much: Free for you but at the cost of my hard work.
Click here to read plot information and to sign up.
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October 25, 2007
Opening this Week
SAW 4
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Stars: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson, Athena Karkanis, and Lyriq Bent
Rated: R (for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture throughout, and for language)
Genre: Horror/Thriller
Tagline: It's a Trap
Length: 108 minutes
Website: Saw 4
Studio: Lionsgate
The Plot: Jigsaw (Bell) and his apprentice Amanda are dead. Now, upon the news of Detective Kerry's (Dina Meyer) murder, two seasoned FBI
profilers, Agent Strahm (Patterson) and Agent Perez (Karkanis), arrive in the terrified community to assist the veteran Detective Hoffman (Mandylor) in sifting through
Jigsaw's latest grizzly remains and piecing together the puzzle. However, when SWAT Commander Rigg (Bent) is abducted and thrust into a game, the last officer untouched
by Jigsaw has but ninety minutes to overcome a series of demented traps and save an old friend or face the deadly consequences.
Johnny's Take: Let's be honest here, shall we? This is the FOURTH entry in the series. You either know EXACTLY what to expect or you're
dumber than a Federline. I've talked to people who act shocked that they've made yet another Saw movie. Well, I'm absolutely shocked that people are shocked
by this! It's all about numbers, and the Saw series has logged some mighty impressive ones. Check it out:
| |
Domestic BO |
Worldwide BO |
Total BO |
Budget |
| SAW |
$55,185,045 |
$47,911,300 |
$103,096,345 |
$1.2 million |
| SAW 2 |
$87,039,965 |
$60,700,000 |
$147,739,965 |
$4 million |
| SAW 3 |
$80,238,724 |
$84,635,551 |
$164,874,275 |
$10 million |
You can slice that carrot any way you like, but that is A LOT OF PROFIT! That's not even taking into account DVD sales, rentals, etc. You don't earn that kind of a return on your
investment and not take another trip to the well. Like it or not, but you can count on the Saw series being around a very long time. Now y'all can stop asking, "Why do they keep
making the Saw movies?" Plus, if you hear somebody else ask then you can share the information I have provided today. You're welcome. Raising my readers' IQ - it's what
I do.
As for the movie itself? I have no idea. They didn't screen it, but I'm sure it's about on par with the others. I'm sure I'll check it out on TV or DVD one day. I'll give you
my opinion then. Not that you'll care. Ingrates.
DAN IN REAL LIFE
Director: Peter Hedges
Stars: Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche, and Dane Cook
Rated: PG-13 (for some innuendo)
Genre: Romantic Dramedy
Tagline: Something's happening to Dan. It's confusing. It's awkward. It's family.
Length: ?? minutes
Website: Dan in Real Life
Studio: Buena Vista Pictures
The Plot: While advice columnist and single dad Dan Burns (Carell) attends his family reunion, he meets, and falls for, Beth (Binoche), a funny, smart,
beautiful woman -- who just happens to be in a relationship with his brother (Cook).
Johnny's Take: Wow, never heard a plot line like that before! This might have a chance at winning an Oscar for Best Screenplay Adaptation.
"Really, Johnny? An adaptation of what?"
OF 80% OF EVERY SINGLE ROMANTIC DRAMEDY EVER MADE! Let me guess - Cook will be a jerk, Carell will be a sweet, lovably goofy guy with a heart of gold, and Binoche will realize in
the end that Carell is the one who is right for her. If any of you see this then please send me an email and let me know if my prognostication is 100% correct. Yet another film
that didn't screen in Memphis. Who knows, maybe Carell can raise this a notch above what I'm expecting. I like the guy, but not enough to spend $8.50 to see if this is worth
it.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Flight of the Living Dead. Oh yeah, you know you want it. Also, your chance to sign up for a screening of Lions for Lambs.
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October 24, 2007
FOOD REVIEW: The Baconator
The Baconator. Sounds intimidating, doesn't it? The name and picture are enough to send your arteries screaming for the hills. In addition to being a
nickname that Kevin Bacon most likely gave himself during prepubescence, the Baconator is a burger that Wendy's describes as "six strips of hickory smoked bacon piled
high atop two 1/4 lb. patties of fresh, never frozen, beef. Complete with two slices of American cheese, mayo and ketchup for a mountain of mouth-watering
taste."
Cow pies.
Being the totally ripped, ab-tacular health-wise stud that I have become in recent years, I don't partake in the greasy joys of fast food as often as I did
back in the carefree, moist-eyed days of my youth. Believe you me, I enjoy a good burger as much as anybody, but I try to avoid throwing around words like
"good burger" when discussing the cow part sandwiches found at McDonald's or Wendy's. Give me Steak 'N Shake and Backyard Burger, baby! However, I'm still
quite the proponent of exercising frugality, so every now and then I'll drop by Wendy's and take advantage of their $1 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.
That's a reasonable price for a burger of average quality. Of course, Wendy's tries to trick you into thinking they have fare of much higher quality, but I'd
rather be caught dead in a theater playing a Chris Kattan movie than pay $6 for a stupid burger meal. However, I had a $5 Wendy's gift card, and that Baconator
sure looks tempting, doesn't it? Go on, take a gander! The thing is almost the size of my freakin' head! I just had to try it.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, rest assured that things are not always as they appear. Once I got my meal I thought for sure half the burger was missing. Seeing
it tightly compacted in its cute little paper, I feared they mistakenly gave me a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger instead. Rather than the six-inch thick beast
the picture portrayed it to be, it was about an inch to an inch and a half thick. Not much high-pilin' going on there.
Two 1/4 lb. patties of beef? W-word, please. Rosie O'Donnell is closer to weighing 1/2 pound then this burger is. And the six pieces of bacon? In general,
fast food bacon isn't exactly top shelf quality. The secret's out - they fry a little hog foot, slap it on the burger, and call it bacon. I get that. But
surely the Baconator was different. The bacon in the picture looks so thick and juicy! Welp, I'm sad to report that they're as limp as The View's male audience. And
don't call me Shirley.
Each bite of the Baconator gave me the feeling of chewing bacon flavored gum. I have no doubt it'll take seven years to fully digest.
Alas, another overhyped fast food sandwich that fails to deliver. Seriously, just order two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, and your appetite will be sated just as
much, but at half the price. Thank goodness I had a gift card; else Wendy's would be getting a nice little email expressing my disappointment. Don't fall
for the false advertisement, folks. It's not what it seems.
Still, it's nowhere near as bad as the Sour Punch Cotton Candy I had for dessert. Holy aftertaste, Batman. The day prior I had gone to a Hollywood Video
that is in the midst of a going-out-of-business sale. All of their candy and popcorn was 80% off, so when I saw they had Sour Punch Cotton Candy for only
$0.25 I just had to get a couple of bags. Worth a try, right? After all, I like Sour Punch Straws, and I like cotton candy, so I figured it had to be a
decent combination.
WRONG-O! On first bite I immediately started checking the bag to see if it was past the expiration date. I can't even come up with words to adequately
describe the taste. "Stale cotton balls with a flavoring of aftershave" is about the closest I can come. Sheesh. And the after taste is even worse.
I took it over to Mr. Shade's the next day as we gathered for our viewing of Flight of the Living Dead thinking that he (or at least his daughters)
might like it more than I did. Nope. Two seconds after putting it in her mouth, his 4-year-old daughter was spitting it out and handing it back to him,
giving him a look as if to say, "Why are you trying to kill me, daddy?" She was literally scraping her tongue, desperately trying to get rid of the
taste.
So yeah, Sour Punch Cotton Candy - avoid like Paris Hilton avoids Spelling Bees.
Speaking of Flight of the Living Dead, I intend to deliver that tasty morsel of a review either tomorrow of Friday. I'll be attending a screening of
Reservation Road tonight, but the release date has been pushed back, so I will not review it this week. That means I can give FOTLD the full Johnny
Betts treatment. Should be fun.
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October 23, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Into the Wild
"Into the Wild is a long draw off the proverbial movie teat, and it isn't for everybody. The prose is at times melodramatic, and
the poetry recitation borders on pretentious, but this is an engrossing film that, if you're interested in seeing, deserves to be seen on the big screen with minimal distractions.
It's the type of film you simply have to watch with the right mindset. Prepare to sit back and let the film pull you in."
Johnny reviews Into the Wild, starring Emile Hirsch, Vince Vaughn, Hal Holbrook, and a whole bunch of other people you mave marginally
heard of.
Coming Tomorrow...
I'm saving my Baconator warning for tomorrow, and who knows, maybe I'll get really ambitious and finish my Flight of the Living Dead review as well.
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October 22, 2007
Biker Boot Camp: The Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles
In a letter to Jean Baptiste Le Roy, Benjamin Franklin once stated, "...in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." It's important to note that
Mr. Franklin's letter was dated November 13, 1789, long before the Sci Fi Channel was even a glint in any ancestral eye. Had Mr. Franklin lived long enough to view a movie the
caliber of Webs or, even worse, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, then he no doubt would
have made the following addendum: "And that Sci-Fi Originals will smell worse than fish and visitors after three days."
Dumbfounded? Then brush up on your Benjamin Franklin history, please.
That Sci-Fi Originals will produce enough suckage to vacuum every house in China is a given, but sometimes the channel tries to be clever and mask this fact of life. A few unwitting
victims (AKA viewers) might happen upon an innocently titled film like The Bone Snatcher and be tricked into watching a few minutes before changing the channel. However,
there are some titles that instantly warn us, "Stay FAR AWAY unless you like crap." I'd just like to thank whoever is in charge of appropriately warning us with lame titles.
It's an unexpected gesture of nobility ... or maybe these folks actually think their titles are good. In which case, might I recommend professional help?
And remember, kids, if the title doesn't completely give it away then as a backup you can always check the cast list. Like mama always said, "It's better to be thought a bad
movie than to cast Lorenzo Lamas or Patrick Muldoon and remove all doubt.
Let's take a look at a few examples of turd burgers whose stench starts in the name...
Click here for Johnny's list of the Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles.
Into the Wild update
I'll be honest with you - I'm going to be a little selfish and let today be all about the Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles list. Was your plan
to read my review of Into the Wild and use that to decide if you were gonna go see the movie TONIGHT? I don't think so. Therefore, it can wait until tomorrow. For now, please
go read my list of the Worst Sci-Fi Original Titles and check it out - you can add comments!
Also tomorrow I'll give everybody a little warning about something Wendy's likes to refer to as the Baconator...
Keep an eye out later this week for my review of Flight of the Living Dead. You won't be disappointed.
Movie Mark Original #16 Revisited
Title: Black & Decker
Tagline: They're the Biggest Tools Around.
Cast: Mario Lopez, David Hasselhoff, Edward James Olmos
Plot Summary: When strange and unexplained amorphous formations begin washing up
on Miami beaches, formations that somewhat resemble Rosie O'Donnell stepping out of the shower; no one in the
police department is willing to volunteer to investigate. Lieutenant Alfonso Riviera Soriano Rodriguez Y
Vasquez (Olmos) decides to put two of his biggest headaches on the case - Sergeant James T. Black (Hasselhoff),
a man who has a strange habit of calling everybody "Kit," and Sergeant Slater Decker (Lopez), a young Latino cop
who joins the Force in a desperate attempt to win back the love of his girlfriend Kelly who left him to be with
an NYPD officer named Zach.
Black & Decker are a couple of hotshot prima donnas who seem to have no desire to get along with anybody else on
the Force. Vasquez strongly believes that partnering them will adjust their attitudes.
But what good will attitude adjustments do them when they figure out that the amorphous formations are not of
this world? Why are they here, and more specifically, why are they appearing on Miami beaches? Toolishness
ensues.
Climactic Scene: During what will come to be known as a "climactic finale consisting of
offensively bad CGI and laugh-out-loud-bad acting" Black & Decker will be in a lackluster shoot-out with the
amorphous aliens. The epic battle will make its way to a church where Black will be trapped by one of the
aliens, soon to meet his demise. Luckily, Decker will show up just in time and fire off a few rounds at the
church bell, causing it to land on the alien, thus saving Black's life.
Decker will turn to the camera, remove the cigar from his mouth, wink at the camera, and reply, "Saved by
the Bell." Black will inexplicably burst out in celebratory song.
Fade to black and roll credits.
Director's note: A rudimentary understanding of Saved by the Bell and Mario Lopez is necessary for
completely appreciating the genius of this Movie Mark original.
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October 19, 2007
Quick Update
Life happens. I was afraid I was aiming too high yesterday when I claimed I'd have the Into the Wild review AND "Worst Sci Fi Original Movie Titles" done today.
See, I have a regular job that takes up 40+ hours a week. Throw in the fact that I had a softball game last night (that ended up being cancelled, thanks to lightning,
after three innings and pushed back to next week), and I went to look at a couch afterward that some dude was selling that appeared to be too good to pass up. After
looking at the couch I decided I had to get it.
Dude bought it 6 months ago for $400, but he moved out of his house and into an apartment and doesn't have room for it. It's microfiber/suede (the exact kind I've been
looking for), and his asking price was $85. There are a couple of barely noticeable scuffs, so I asked if he'd take $75 for it. SOLD! That's how much it would have cost
for delivery from most furniture stores around here! Can't beat it.
The only problem is the couch was much bigger than I anticipated, and I couldn't fit it in my truck bed due to my tonneau bed cover. Sooooo, I had to call my dad to
bring his truck on his way to work and let me load the couch on his truck and he'd take mine to work. Then I had a friend meet me at my house and help unload the couch.
To make a long story short (oops, too late), I didn't get started working on the site until after midnight. By 1:30 I had finished the Odds & Ends for the review and had
completed preliminary work on the Biker Boot Camp article. I slowly shook my head and thought to myself, "It'll be after 3:00 AM before I finish both of these. I ain't
gettin' paid for this crap, and I have to get up at 7:00. Screw that noise. I'm going to bed."
But you know what? I have the ENTIRE weekend, and I GUARANTEE I'll have both the review and article posted on Monday. Mark it on your calendars. I'm in the process of
finding a better balance between work, a social life, and the website, so we'll get TMM where it needs to be soon. I also have more offers of help coming in, so that should
alleviate some stress and tension as well.
I could rush things and put out a bunch of sub-par reviews and articles, but that's what my competition does, so I owe it to you and myself to avoid that. No need to
thank me with words, gifts will work just fine.
Coming Soon: A Tribute to Josh Brolin's Detective Trupo
I'm officially excited. The screening for Brolin's American Gangster has been set - Tuesday, October 30. I am so there. Literally. I'm already at the Cordova
theater camping out as I type. OK, not really, but I am pumped. Check out this quote from the Montreal Film Journal's review:
"Even more incredible is how, for my money, neither one of these two guys (Denzel Washington or Russell Crowe) makes the most vivid impression in this film. Oh,
Washington and Crowe are both great, no question, but I came out of the theater with one name on my lips: Josh mother$%#@!& Brolin. In my Grindhouse review, I wrote
that he was obnoxious but, of course, his Doc Block was supposed to be obnoxious... I don't know why he didn't win me over then when, in retrospect, he was a pretty
great villain in that too. Anyway, I definitely enjoyed his similarly loathsome turn here. Because make no mistake, Washington might be playing the titular American
gangster, but the villain of the piece is definitely Brolin's rotten to the core New York cop. What an a$%^&*e this guy is! You'll love hating him through the film,
relishing the thought of his inevitable comeuppance."
Josh totally rocked as Doc Block. At least the reviewer is man enough to admit he didn't initially give him the credit he so richly deserved. Never realized what
Josh's real middle name was. Weird. Wanna see Josh in action as the crooked Detective Trupo? Follow the directions:
Click here to watch Josh totally own Denzel and then check out the very first
clip at the top called "Trupo Shakes Down Frank."
Are people gonna think I'm weird when I'm cheering for Brolin's character and excusing his actions as "just trying to get his piece of the pie"? Nah, y'all will be right
there rooting along with me.
During the week of release I'll likely post a summary of quotes from all the reviews praising his performance. It's gonna be sweet.
Free STARZ
Dish Network is offering a free preview of Encore and all of the STARZ channels this weekend. Check your local listings for details.
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October 18, 2007
Biker Boot Camp Update
Weeeeeeeell, due to the fact that I kind of unintentionally fell asleep at 9:30 last night and have since had a couple of programming issues to iron out with the new page (they're
fixed now), let's just say I haven't had time to get the "Worst Sci Fi Original Movie Titles" list posted today. I know, I know. You're crying, kicking chairs, knocking over
little babies, punching homeless people, etc. It's a tough pill to swallow. I will not deny you that. However, here's a Johnny Betts "maybe guarantee" - tomorrow I will post BOTH the
article AND my review of Into the Wild.
How's that for a Friday? Two, count 'em - two postings for the price of one. Find me a better deal anywhere else and I'll change businesses. Trust me; the extra day's wait will
be worth it. Like I've said before, you just don't want to rush genius if you can help it.
Now, I don't want you to have absolutely NO new information to chew on today, so here's a bone...
George Lucas' Beard Begins Work on Live-Action Star Wars TV Series
It's been a couple of years since Lucas dropped hints regarding a new live-action Star Wars TV series. He mentioned it, fanboys immediately went into apoplectic fits, and they've
remained in a catatonic state ever since, eagerly awaiting more news. Welp, news has finally arrived! Lucas' beard, hiding one of the most disturbing chins in history, recently
revealed to the L.A. Times, "The Skywalkers aren't in it, and it's about minor characters. It has nothing to do with Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader or any of those people. It's
completely different. But it's a good idea, and it's going to be a lot of fun to do."
Hmm. To be honest, that's basically the same thing he's said since the beginning. In fact, that's almost verbatim what he said on Conan O'Brien a few months ago. Supposedly
he's already lining up writers and moving forward with development, so I suppose that's something. However, don't be surprised if 6 months from now Lucas says, "I've got
some more news on the Star Wars live-action series - it has nothing to do with Han Solo or Obi Wan Kenobi. It involves different characters and will do new stuff. But it's
awesome and people will love it," and I guarantee you this will be treated newsworthy by the media and drool-worthy by the fanboys.
Granted, I'm looking forward to this and the new animated Clone Wars series, but how about a little meat behind the info, George? Just transfer some from your chin. It's got more
than plenty to share.
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October 17, 2007
On DVD This Week
 
PLANET TERROR - "In Planet Terror, Rodriguez has delivered a highly entertaining representation of
how something can be so bad that it's good. Its genius lies in the fact that while Rodriguez has certainly made an intentionally 'bad' movie, it's very well-done!
Throw in the foreboding menace of Josh Brolin as a demented, yet surprisingly sympathetic, doctor, stealing every single scene he's in, and you've got a wild ride of a
good time. Statements such as, 'Doc Block is my new hero!' could be heard throughout the theater, but that might have just been the echo from when I said it."
This "extended and unrated" 2-disc edition features such extras as:
- Machete Trailer
- Commentary by writer/director Robert Rodriguez
- Audience Reaction Track
- 10 Minute Film School
- The Bad*** Babes of Planet Terror featurette
- The Guys of Planet Terror featurette
- Casting Rebel featurette
- The Stunts of Planet Terror featurette
- The Friend, The Doctor and the Real Estate Agent featurette
"This isn't for everybody" is an understatement tantamount to "Chris Farley had a bit of a weight problem." Read my exciting dual
review with the great Nikki Bluejeans to determine if this fits your style. But under no circumstances should you let your child watch this. What are you, crazy?
TRANSFORMERS - "Say what you will about director Michael Bay, and believe me, plenty has been said about the guy, but the man, in all his
wispy-mulleted wisdom, knows how to deliver action, and Transformers is no exception. In regard to delivering visceral thrills, the Michael Bolton look-alike has outdone
himself."
So are the special features on this 2-disc edition more than meets the eye? Well, let's take a look:
- Our World, The Story Sparks - Steven Spielberg discusses his love for the franchise and early concept art for the film. Explores how the writers adapted the
cartoon into a live-action movie and why Michael Bay is the perfect director for the film.
- Human Allies - A look at how the actors were selected and their experiences on the set.
- I Fight Giant Robots - An exploration of the military training that Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson underwent for their roles and the various stunts that the
actors were asked to perform.
- Battleground - A piece on the senior officials from the Department of Defense and Air Force who consulted on the film to give it authenticity and the key
locations that the U.S. government provided access to.
- Their War, Rise of the Robots - Explores the interaction between Hasbro designers and Michael Bay to bring the toy line roaring to life.
- Autobots Roll Out - Michael Bay discusses working with Chevy and its designers and the modifications that were made to the cars seen in the film.
- Decepticons Strike - The film's military advisors discuss the "toys" they allowed the production to borrow: F-22 Raptors, Ospreys and A-10 Warthogs.
- Inside the AllSpark - ILM's digital artists discuss the challenges of bringing the TRANSFORMERS to life.
- More Than Meets The Eye, From Script to Sand: The Skorponok Desert Attack - An in-depth look at the making of this particularly epic and challenging scene
from initial storyboarding through production and visual effects.
- Concepts - Early sketch concepts of the robots.
If you can get past some of the eye-rolling goofy attempts at humor then Transformers will take you on a
thrill ride and send you home a happy customer. And if you have kids, well, then you have no choice but to rent this.
Your Vote and Feedback Would be Appreciated
For those of you who don't know, I had an old website known as The Doorless Stall. Sometimes I think I
should've kept the name and just turned it into a movie site. Instead, at the time I thought it'd be better to create a separate entity.
But now I'm rethinking my actions. Sure, "The Doorless Stall" name doesn't specifically insinuate anything about movies, but it makes you stop and think, "What in the world
does that mean?" It's funny, and perhaps it's a more marketable name than "The Movie Mark."
What do y'all think? Do you have a preference? I'm redesigning the site, so should I consider this name change as well?
Your feedback is appreciated.
I've put a poll on my message board if you'd like to vote there and leave a message. Just click
here. Or as always you can send me email.
Coming Tomorrow...
I'll be introducing the very first edition of Biker Boot Camp. This will replace the "Size 11 Series" or whatever name I originally planned to use. After beginning compilation of a few
lists I quickly realized that there was no way I'd have the energy or motivation to force myself to come up with 11 entries for every single topic I want to discuss, so I like "Biker Boot
Camp" better. That way I don't have to adhere to a specific number.
You know what this means, don't you? I rebelled against myself. That's right. I tried to force a rule on myself, but my inner self said, "Screw that noise, you're not the boss of me!"
and decided to play by its own rules. It's all very confusing, but oddly, it makes perfect sense.
Anyway, tune in tomorrow for The Worst Sci Fi Original Movie Titles. The page will be designed so that you can leave comments.
And no, I haven't forgotten about my 80s movies list. All in good time, my friends.
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October 16, 2007
Tom Hanks is a Liar
It's been a blissful three years. Not since 2004 have audiences had to endure Julia Roberts' horse mouth plastered all over our magazines and TV screens. Small hope had been held
that she had retired for good, but unfortunately, her IMDb listing indicates she's making a comeback.
For some reason she was recently given the 2007 American Cinematheque award. The unheard of award supposedly recognizes her "achievements" in acting. Apparently, laughing like a
hyena and having a mouth that occupies 74% of your face are now considered achievements. Who knew? In a desperate attempt to fake humility, the marriage destroyer Roberts
stated, "I really am just a girl from a little town in Georgia, who had this giant, absurd mouth. I think I came along at a kinder time in the business... you could really cultivate your
work a little more gently."
Tom Hanks' oddly disconcerting chin was in attendance and paid tribute, "Everybody loves Julia Roberts. Everybody, everybody, everybody."
It seems that not everybody agrees with Tom Hanks' chin. When cyber-lebrity and writing guru Johnny Betts was asked his highly-accurate opinion, he boldly stated, "I'm a
part of the collective that Tom's 'skinny guy fat chin' referred to as 'everybody,' and you know what? I can't stand the woman. I'd have to pull out a Molly Shannon DVD or
video footage of Rosie O'Donnell to find something or someone more annoying than ol' baboon lips."
Recognizing that some of his readers are females who have possibly been tricked into liking Roberts because they find some of her girly movies to be "cute," Betts stands by his
heated words and refuses to temper his comments. "She's one of the few people in Hollywood with an ego to rival George Clooney's," says the wavy-haired movie maestro. "It's not
my concern if people wish to continue living with the Pretty Woman wool pulled over their eyes."
Neither Julia Roberts' mouth nor Tom Hanks' chin were available for comment.
ETA: The Movie Mark wishes to apologize for a completely understandable error regarding Ms. Roberts' above quote. It seems she stated she had a giant, absurd "dream." TMM apologizes
for the inconvenience.
CSI: Miami Sets World Record for Shark Jumping
Just when you think CSI: Miami couldn't get any more ridiculous, it goes and outdoes itself. And completely without the help of David Caruso! Caruso, if you've noticed,
doesn't even seem to be trying any more with his pre-opening credits one-liner. Last night's "He's alive, let's call rescue" quip quite possibly represents the show's lowpoint in
this regard. The constipated-voiced one didn't even bother to finish putting on his sunglasses, and for the 1st time ever he failed to exit the scene at the moment we're greeted by
Roger Daltrey's growl. Mr. Pasty no longer cares.
But never fear, the cheese is alive and well in the Sunshine state. Tonight's serving of Velveeta comes courtesy of GenEric having visions of Tim Speedle, AKA Speed, who we last
saw shot to death in season 3. Rory Cochrane, coming to the realization that his movie career hasn't exactly catapulted to the stratosphere, no doubt had rent to pay and knew
CSI: Miami, of all shows, would pose little objection to bringing a character back from the dead. So all of a sudden, GenEric begins to hallucinate and sees ol' Speed
traipsing along the beach, looking broodingly over his shoulder with a gleam in his eye that rests somewhere between inappropriate and uncomfortable.
But these aren't just any ol' visions. Oh no. They are so detailed and lifelike that GenEric actually returns to the beach to have a conversation with Speed, a conversation
that eventually leads to GenEric finding evidence he previously missed.
Just in case your tolerance for lactose has yet to be exceeded, we get a completely unreasonable coincidence of someone running up charges on Speed's old credit card. Hmm, so Speed's
been dead for a few years, nobody thought to take his credit card out of his locker, and GenEric just so happens to have visions of him at the same time somebody finds his card and
starts using it. Yep, sounds realistic to me.
Thankfully, Caruso finally decides to make his overdramatic presence known near the end of the episode when GenEric asks him, "You ever see him, H?" Caruso, in the creepiest
pedophiliac voice he can muster, strains, "Every day. *dramatic pause* Every ... day."
I will admit that it was pretty sweet when Jennifer Love Hewitt popped up out of nowhere and showed Speed the light.
On the bright side, did you see the pants Emily Proctor was wearing tonight? Holy cow, that is one gorgeous woman. The camera obviously agreed as it captured her in 40 different
rear angles and treated us to at least 28 side views. Nice work, camera man! Now if they'd drop her stupid romantic storyline with Johnny "Christian Slater" Whitworth and cast me
and my size 11 biker boots as her wise-crackin' sidekick then this show just might stand a chance.
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October 15, 2007
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #17
- This Week's Movie Screenings. We've got two screenings on Tuesday - Things We Lost in the Fire at the Dova's Core, and Into the Wild can be
found where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. My choice? Into the Wild. Lynyrd Skynyrd's very own guitarist, Ed King, highly recommends it, predicting Oscar wins
for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor (Hal Holbrook). I'll take his recommendation and run with it.
Other releases this week include 30 Days of Night, Rendition, The Comebacks, and Gone Baby Gone. I don't know of any promo screenings for these. The
Comebacks is a Fox movie, and they don't screen a lot of their films in the Memphis area. They'd have told me otherwise if this one were an exception. 30 Days of Night and
Gone Baby Gone were both screened for the press. They were annoying 10:00 AM weekday screenings, and I couldn't make 'em. Rendition is a New Line Film and wasn't
on the list of screenings the studio recently sent me, so I'm guessing they don't have much faith in the product.
- Apparently Tyler Perry can attach his name to anything and immediately launch it to the top of the box office. His Why Did I Get Married? took the weekend
crown, finally knocking The Gameplan from the #1 slot. What bad pun will IMDb utilize to announce this news? Your guess is as good as mine.
- The other day I was walking to work and saw a guy who looked to be missing his left arm at the elbow. "Poor guy," I thought. "I wonder what his story is?" As I got closer I
realized that he wasn't missing his arm at all. Nope, he just had it buried in his pocket all the way up to the elbow. I don't understand why anybody would make pockets that
deep, but what really baffles me is why someone would actually utilize the full depth of the pocket.
It reminded me of the time a friend of mine got a pair of jeans with similarly deep pockets. Those things were a valuable source of entertainment. We often joked about making a
commercial for them...
The camera would focus on my friend - brow furrowed, head turned slightly to the side, arms elbow-deep in his pockets - and you'd hear a sultry woman's voiceover, "Deep pocket
jeans. For the man who just can't get enough arm in his pocket."
Why did I feel a need to share this with you? I have no idea. It's Monday. Let's go with that.
MOVIE REVIEW: Across the Universe
"The many references in the film will delight true Beatles fans (The Cavern Club, Rooftop Concerts, Silver Hammers, Green Apple Drawings, Brigitte Bardot) - but they
are not necessary to understand the plot of the movie. Non-Beatles fans will NOT be lost and should not avoid seeing the film because of it. I saw the movie with
someone who is by no means as overtly obsessed with them as I am, and she thoroughly enjoyed the flick, comparing it quite rightly to Moulin Rouge. But for
those of us who know every song, there's a little something extra. And it made me feel special... and a little geeky."
I didn't have a chance to screen Across the Universe. Nikki Bluejeans, however, had an opportunity to screen it in
Arizona and graciously reviewed it. For those of you who have no idea what the film is about, Ms. Bluejeans succinctly states, "It's a love story set to Beatles tunes!"
Read Nikki's review for more info.
Movie Mark Original #15 Revisited
Title: Hound Dog Desert
Tagline: He Ain't No Friend of Yours.
Cast: Lorenzo Lamas, some hot chick, an Elvis impersonator
Plot Summary: In a desperate effort to keep up with the fast-paced world of Elvis
impersonating, a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator (played by a real-life Elvis impersonator) resorts to taking a
No-Doze/steroid concoction. Unfortunately, the hound dog that he uses as part of his stage act gets into his
stash and inexplicably grows to about 40 feet high.
The hound dog rampages through the city before running off to find refuge in the hot Nevada desert. A team of
Special Forces, led by former Navy Seal Teddy Bare (Lamas), is called in to hunt the dog down and put it to sleep.
The Elvis impersonator tags along hoping that he can convince Teddy Bare and his men not to kill his beloved
canine partner.
Bare's Opening Scene: Teddy Bare and his men arrive in Las Vegas and immediately
begin to assess the situation. The Elvis impersonator introduces himself, but Bare is very gruff and curt with
him. The Elvis wannabe huffs and exclaims, "They said you was high classed. Well, that was just a lie."
Pivotal Scene: Bare and his men (including Spider Murphy, Little Joe, and Drummer
Boy) have reached the desert and are ready to begin their search. Bare is concerned about being attacked from
the left or right and he wants to make sure he's covered on all sides. He asks his men what they think
they should to do assure this and the Elvis impersonator speaks up and says, "Flank you, flank you very much."
Climactic Scene: Once Bare and Co. track down the Hound Dog, they have come to the
conclusion that they have no alternative but to take him down. He can never be returned to his normal size,
and a 40-foot dog cannot be allowed to roam the streets.
This doesn't sit well with the Elvis impersonator, but he's outnumbered and has no recourse. He looks at Bare
and says, "You live for this, don't you? You're just itchin' to kill something." Bare turns to him, takes the
cigar out of his mouth, smiles, and replies, "Like a man on a fuzzy tree."
And this, folks, is why the Sci-Fi Channel should hire me, Johnny Betts, to add a little life and cheese to their
low-budget originals. This is gold, and you know it.
Take a look at my other Movie Mark Originals right here.
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October 12, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: We Own the Night
"While the movie doesn't deliver as many shocking 'homerun' moments as I was hoping for, it still manages to provide a solid amount of tension and drama to keep fans of the genre
entertained. Especially impressive is a harrowing car chase in the rain. The smoky cornfield (or was it a wheat field? can't remember) climax brings everything to a nice,
stifling conclusion though its impact won't stay in your gut for too long. Eat at Taco Bell beforehand if that's what you're wanting."
Johnny reviews We Own the Night, starring Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Wahlberg, Robert Duvall, and Eva Mendes.
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October 11, 2007
Bury My Heart...
...at the trailer park...
First up we've got Vantage Point. It's a movie with a title that shockingly has never been used before. If somebody were to come up to me and say, "Did you
ever see that movie called Vantage Point?" my reaction would likely be, "Was that the one with Jean-Claude Van Damme?" It just sounds very familiar. Anyway, I saw the trailer prior
to We Own the Night, and the story focuses on the attempted assassination of the president as told from eight different points of view.
What started off as a game of "Find as many recognizable faces as possible" (Matthew Fox, Sigourney Weaver, Dennis Quaid, Forest Whitaker, and William Hurt all make appearances)
quickly turned into a fast-paced and fairly exciting thriller. I'll give the marketing team credit - they crammed as much action as they possibly could into their two minute
timeframe. The story looks legitimately interesting as well.
Vantage Point opens on February 15, 2008, and you can view the trailer
here.
Sweeney Todd. The phrase "based on a Broadway musical" usually sends me screaming for the hills like a 10-year-old at a Neverland Ranch Halloween party.
That's why my interest level in the upcoming Johnny Depp/Tim Burton collaboration has wavered somewhere between "couldn't care less" and "I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell jump on a
trampoline." OK, that's not true. There's nothing I'd rather see less than Rosie on a trampoline.
However, it is true that my apathy for Sweeney Todd ran deep. But my buddy Dennis B. gave the trailer a little praise, so I decided to check it out. And you know what? It looks
somewhat interesting. I still don't know if I'm keen on the spontaneous bursting into song, but I like the dark, somber atmosphere. Depp appears to be delivering a weird
amalgamation of Jack Sparrow and Edward Scissorhands, but it works.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street opens in limited release on December 21, 2007. You can view the trailer
here.
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #17
- There's a player on the Indianapolis Colts football team named Craphonso Thorpe. CRAPHONSO! Sheesh. Come on, people. If you're the type of person who would actually
name your child "Craphonso" then please, just refrain from having children. It's OK; not everybody is cut out to be a parent. When God said be fruitful and multiply, He wasn't
necessarily referring to YOU. Accept it and move on.
I'm sure there are other equally valid goals you can set out to achieve, such as successfully stringing a sentence together or leaning over to tie your shoe without falling
and bumping your head. That's obviously something that has occurred many times if you think "Craphonso" is acceptable.
- I had a dream last night that I was making a movie called Pacific Surge. I woke up before the plot details were clear, however, I immediately thought to myself,
"I smell a surfing movie!" As I stepped into the shower I quickly realized that what I actually smelled was my Old Spice High Endurance body wash - Pacific
Surge. Hey, don't knock it! Ideas can come from anywhere, you know?
I now envision a whole line of locale-oriented action titles starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and/or Wesley Snipes. So you tell Hollywood that I'm coming, and Mountain
Rush, Arctic Force, Glacial Falls, and Aqua Reef are coming with me!
- Stay tuned for an upcoming Movie Mark Original - Raisin Cane. The plot will revolve around, you guessed it, genetically-mutated raisins that go on a killing
spree.
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October 10, 2007
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #16
- A big thanks to Sam H. and Meschelle M. for the scoop on tonight's screening of We Own the Night at Wolfchase. I'll be there with bells on. OK, I won't
really have bells on, but I'll likely be wearing the biker boots. All cute female readers are permitted to stop by and admire them.
- In the past week I received a total of three cryptic postcards in my mailbox from 20th Century Fox. One of them mentioned being in Russia (I don't recall the exact country, so
just roll with it) for a press conference at such-and-such time then being in Paris for lunch about five minutes later. I got excited because I thought Fox was going to transport me
around the world on some new super-speed vehicle to promote a movie. The other two postcards merely said to check out the website
http://www.anywhereispossible.com on 10/10/2007.
I'll give them credit - it was a great marketing strategy because it had me checking the site first thing this morning to find out what new and exciting scientific project I was going
to help mold and shape. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any plans involving me traveling at the speed of light. Rather, it's a site for an upcoming film called Jumper
about a teenager (Anakin Skywalker) from an abusive household who discovers he can teleport from one place to another. He uses this ability to search for the man he believes is responsible
for the death of his mother. In the process he draws the attention of the NSA and another kid (Jamie Bell) with the same power.
It also stars Samuel L. Jackson (looking just a little too much like Cisco) and Diane Lane. I watched the trailer, and it's piqued my interest. I was a little skeptical at
first, but the action picks up in the second half of the trailer, and the crew is solid, including director Doug Liman (The Bourne Identity and
Mr. and Mrs. Smith) and screenwriter David Goyer (Batman Begins and The
Dark Knight). It's based on a novel by Steven Gould, whom I know absolutely nothing about. Consider my attention grabbed.
Jumper hits theaters on February 15, 2007. A lesser writer would be cute and say, "Jumper JUMPS onto theaters..." but not I. I dare not insult your intelligence
by reducing myself to such bad punnery.
Check out the trailer here.
- IMDb has hit a new low with its bad puns. Commenting on The Heartbreak Kid's huge box office disappointment,
the movie site stated, "Moviegoers to DreamWorks: We 'Kid' You Not." That doesn't even make sense. Sure, the movie made about half of what most people were expecting, but "We Kid
you not" is not something ANYBODY would say within the context of not going to see the film. How stupid.
Just keep it simple, IMDb. I know you're gonna use a bad pun no matter what, but something along the lines of "The Kid's box office Heartbreak" would have saved you quite a bit
of embarrassment. Ridiculous.
I'm happy to report that 3:10 to Yuma continues to perform strongly. It's comforting to see in a movie world inundated with crap
like Good Luck Chuck and The Heartbreak Kid that there is some quality material
that can attract a solid audience, and most importantly that there are moviegoers with enough sense and refinement to give such quality material the audience it richly
deserves.
Let's do the same when Josh Brolin's No Country for Old Men hits theaters next month, shall we? Thanks.
- Movie Gallery is in trouble. The Wall Street Journal recently reported that Movie Gallery, the second-largest home video (that's DVD for you
youngsters) renter behind Blockbuster, would likely have to file bankruptcy sometime this month. This prompted shares in the company's stock to plummet more than 40 percent
to a mere 26 cents on Monday.
Movie Gallery acquired Hollywood Video for $1.1 billion in 2005, and it has been struggling with debt ever since. Hundreds of unprofitable stores
are being closed, including the Hollywood Video on Germantown Road in Cordova.
I drove by there the other day and saw a "Going Out of Business" sign on the door. I haven't been in yet to see what kind of deals they're having, but one sign stated that
everything is on clearance and must go. I'll check it out this weekend. If you know of any other local stores that are closing then let me know and I'll spread the word.
Now's the perfect time to stock up on DVDs and/or video games to give me as Christmas gifts. Y'all are too kind.
- Rumor has it that a sequel to Serenity may be forthcoming. More news as I receive it...
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October 9, 2007
Opening this Week
WE OWN THE NIGHT
Director: James Gray
Stars: Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Wahlberg, and Eva Mendes
Rated: R (for strong violence, drug material, language, some sexual content and brief nudity)
Genre: Drama/Crime
Tagline: Two brothers on opposite sides of the law. Beyond their differences lies loyalty.
Length: 117 minutes
Website: We Own the Night
Studio: Sony Pictures
The Plot: Joaquin Phoenix is a nightclub owner. Mark Wahlberg is his brother. His line of work is a little different - he's a police officer. Though
the two siblings haven taken decidedly different paths in life, a near-fatal incident causes them to unite in a deadly confrontation with the mobsters who run Joaquin's club.
Johnny's Take: The title makes it sound like a movie about a couple of white greaser gangs who measure their level of toughness by how much grease is in
their hair and how much leather is in their jackets. Who truly owns the night? Do they have proof of purchase?
I'm rambling. The movie looks entertaining, but Sony isn't screening it in Memphis. If they are then they're not letting the press know about it. If any of you readers are aware
of a screening then please let me know. It would most likely be on Thursday - the day when I'll be helping my softball team claim sole possession of first place. Who truly owns
the night? Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg? No. My softball team, that's who.
MICHAEL CLAYTON
Director: Tony Gilroy
Stars: George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, and Tom Wilkinson
Rated: R (for language including some sexual dialogue)
Genre: Drama/Thriller
Tagline: The Truth Can Be Adjusted
Length: 119 minutes
Website: Michael Clayton
Studio: Warner Bros.
The Plot: Michael Clayton (Clooney) is an in-house "fixer" at a top New York law firm who risks his career, and his life, on a sabotaged class
action suit that pits him against a rival litigator (Swinton).
Johnny's Take: There was a screening last night, and I am somewhat interested in the movie, but I decided to stay at home. That's right; I made
a conscious decision to not go to the screening. It was raining, I was tired, I didn't feel like making the 15-minute drive to the theater, and due to my sister's wedding
this weekend I had some catching up to do on the ol' DVR.
Who am I, a slave to the studio? If the studio yells "SCREENING!" am I to holler back "WHERE AND WHEN?!" No. I'm my own man, and I refuse to see any more movies out of
obligation. You know what would have happened had I seen Michael Clayton? I would have enjoyed it on some level, but I likely would not have been awe-struck. Come on,
the title alone is boring enough to drain motivation. This would have placed me in the unenviable position of having to review it but not really wanting to. Then a deep
resentment toward all you readers would have invaded my heart, and we wouldn't want that.
The moral of the story is my choice to not attend the screening was actually a selfless act designed for the benefit of each and every one of you. "Thank you" gifts can be delivered
to me in person at the next screening I attend.
ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
Director: Shekhar Kapur
Stars: Cate Blanchett, Clive Owen, and Geoffrey Rush
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Drama
Tagline: Woman. Warrior. Queen.
Length: 100 minutes
Website: Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Studio: Universal Pictures
The Plot: England's Queen Elizabeth (Blanchett) struggles to maintain her powerful reign in the face of conspiracies to overthrow her and a
budding relationship with explorer Sir Walter Raleigh (Owen).
Johnny's Take: *yawn* How many Queen Elizabeth movies can they make? Seriously, who on this planet cares?
Movie Mark Original #14 Revisited
Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man is one of the more popular Movie Mark Originals, so it's only fitting that Trantee designed one of my
favorite posters. Enjoy.
Title: Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man
Tagline: He is one tough cookie.
Cast: Steven Seagal, Jared from Subway, Nick Nolte
Plot Summary: In an ingenious, if unconventional, casting decision, Jared from Subway
plays Jared - a kid who has been a loser his whole life. His face is so pocked with acne that kids in school
called him "Chocolate Chip Face." Even his parents are embarrassed of him, especially since his acne never
went away despite finally growing out of his adolescence.
Fed up with his unfavorable lot in life, he goes to visit a woman who is said to have mystical powers. After
their meeting, she gives him a batch of "special" chocolate chip cookies that she instructs him to eat before
going to bed. He does as requested and the next morning he wakes up and looks into the mirror to see that his
entire head has literally been transformed into a chocolate chip cookie.
He overcomes his initial anger once he realizes that he now has unearthly strength. Unfortunately, he decides
to use his new powers for evil rather than good and starts to kill every single person who he feels has
contributed to making his life a little harder.
He starts with his drunken, no good, unemployed father (Nolte) who never showed Jared anything except the back
of his hand. After noticing his son now has a cookie for a head, dad remarks, "You're an even bigger loser now.
I knew you'd never amount to anything. This isn't a world for the Keebler-minded." Shaking his head in disgust
at his dad's horrific attempt to play off of the term "feeble-minded," Jared replies, "A chip off the ol'
chock, eh dad?" in an awkward attempt at creating his own lame one-liner.
He kills his dad and leaves a note at the scene of the crime: "I'm all that ... and a bag of chips. Chocolate
chips." This becomes his calling card.
A burned out, down-on-his-luck cop (Seagal) is assigned the case, and solving this string of murders is his
last chance at redemption. Will he burn this cookie monster or will he be the one who ends up overcooked?
Chip ensues.
Climactic Scene: After hunting down the Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man and forcing
him to hole up in an abandoned cookie factory, Sergeant Seagal offers Jared a deal. But Jared ain't biting.
"Your half-baked ideas insult me," he yells to Seagal.
Noticeably tired from this ordeal, Seagal mumbles to himself, "I'm too old for this chip."
Realizing his options are limited, Jared decides to make a run for it out the front door. But Seagal is
waiting for him with a hose hooked up to a fire hydrant filled with milk. After turning the
Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man into a gooey, soggy mess, Seagal strides over towards him and begrudgingly
replies, "Looks like this finally took a Toll *pause* House on you..."
Fade to black. Credits roll. Seagal runs straight to the bank to cash his check.
Special Features: In the BAKING of Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man featurette,
Seagal makes such career-defining comments as, "Believe it or not, this is actually the best and most
cohesive script I've worked with in 10 years."
Seagal also discusses how liberating it was to finally work on a movie with a title that wasn't a prepositional
phrase.
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October 5, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: The Heartbreak Kid
"The Heartbreak Kid was supposed to be a return to form. A re-teaming with Ben Stiller in an R-rated comedy to reclaim a little bit of that
Mary magic. Unfortunately for them, Judd Apatow has already jumped their claim, and their efforts look like little more than desperate attempts to yell, 'Hey! Look! We can
be raunchier than you!' So what do we get? Sight gags and sexual humor that is crude and vulgar for nothing more than shock value's sake."
Johnny reviews The Heartbreak Kid, starring Ben Stiller, Michelle Monaghan, and Malin Akerman.
CONTEST: Flight of the Living Dead
Are there any zombie movie fans out there? I know there are (Buffy, I'm talking to YOU). Well, if you'd like a chance to win your very own copy of the newly-released
Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane then please click here and get yourself signed up!
One More Note of Thanks
The other day when I mentioned all the readers who were offering their help and assistance in a variety of ways, I neglected to mention that the great Ms. Ang mailed me a
box of peanut butter cookies, complete with fork tracks! Folks, the bar has been raised. Just so you know - I love Godiva chocolate cheesecake.
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October 4, 2007
On DVD This Week
 
1408 - "Part ghost story, part psychological thriller, 1408 is a fun ride for those of you in the mood for
a few good scares. Guys, if you want your girl clinging to your arm then do a few bicep curls and make this one a rental."
Special Features include an extended director's cut with an alternate ending. For more details regarding the movie's quality please read my
ingenious and inimitable review.
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER - "Reed Richards dances with a couple of girls and uses his elasticity to twirl them around from great distances
and to swirl around in the air and impress everybody with his mad dancing skills. I wish I were kidding."
There's a 2-disc set available, so I assume the special features are somewhat substantial, but 90 seconds of Internet research didn't reveal any specifics, and
I have no desire to explore the subject any further.
The good news is this film is safe for the entire family. The bad news is I could use the film's suckage to vacuum my entire house. As always, my
definitive review tells you exactly what to expect.
FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: OUTBREAK ON A PLANE - Guess what I've got in my masculine, yet surprisingly nimble, hands? That's right; my very own copy of
the new straight-to-DVD zombie flick Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane. Allow me to quote the plot summary from the back of the DVD cover:
Unholy terror is unleashed in the skies when a deadly, genetically engineered virus is released onboard a transatlantic flight to Paris in this
heart-stopping thrill-ride of terror!
When a scientist on the run from the CIA manages to smuggle a contaminated body onto a commercial overseas flight, the plane becomes an incubator for a quickly growing army of
the undead. With a zombie invasion spreading through the cabin, only a handful of passengers remains to fight off their fellow infected travelers and land the plane before it's
too late.
I think there are only two words that are appropriate here - boo and yeah. A biker boot-driven review will be forthcoming.
However, the fun doesn't end here! Five lucky readers will win your very own copy of Flight of the Living Dead, and will have quite the legitimate reason to invite grandma
over for "dinner and a movie" night. She'll be so pleased.
My original intention was to have the sign up page ready today, but the studio asked me to start the contest on Friday, so that's what I shall do. Keep an eye out for it tomorrow.
Oh, and I'll go ahead and warn you that the contest is open only to readers in the U.S. or Canada. My apologies to all my European readers and those of you in third-world
countries. This was the studio's demand.
FREE SCREENING: Reservation Road
When: Wednesday, October 24th
Where: Malco Paradiso 7:30 PM
Who: You and a moocher friend
Why: Why not?
How Much: Just give me a blank check and we'll call it even.
Click here to read plot information and to sign up.
"Where?"
Here! Can't you read?
Movie Mark Original #13 Revisited
Once again, thanks to Trantee and his Photoshop skills. Trantee has recently finished posters for all the Movie Mark Originals. I think
you'll especially like the one for Chock-Kill-Ate Chip Cookie Man. As an added bonus, Laslo Hollyfeld has submitted another poster of his own that will soon be revealed.
Title: Twombstone AKA 2wombstone
Tagline: If you thought The Return of Josey Wales
WITHOUT Clint Eastwood was the worst idea for a Western sequel ever...
Cast: Michael Parks, C. Thomas Howell, Jan-Michael Vincent
Press Release: To mark the 20th anniversary of his ill-conceived "starring" role in
the inexplicable The Return of Josey Wales, Michael Parks attempts to sully the good name of another
classic Western. Taking sequels and the naming of sequels with numbers in the title to all new blasphemous
and ridiculous levels, Twombstone AKA 2wombstone follows the story of Wyatt Earp (Parks) as
he's faced with the responsibility of burying his recently deceased friend, Doc Holliday (Howell).
While burying Doc with an iron shovel, lightning strikes the shovel, creating a current through the ground
that somehow brings Doc back to life. Earp may not be able to explain what has just happened, but he's
certainly willing to take advantage of it. The timing of Holliday's resurrection couldn't be more
appropriate because a new gang of cowboys has ridden into Tombstone causing much trouble, and Earp can
use his old friend's help.
Little does he know that when Doc came back from the grave, he brought a whole slew of otherworldly powers
with him. Join Wyatt and Doc in the sequel to 1993's classic Tombstone and experience a clash of
Sci-Fi and Westerns the likes of which you have never seen before!
Climactic Scene: Having been brought back to life as well, Johnny Ringo (Vincent)
is leading this new gang of cowboys in their assault on Tombstone. But they're no regular cowboys - they're
zombie versions of all the cowboys that Wyatt Earp killed in his rampage from the original movie. When Ringo
and Doc finally square off for their much anticipated rematch, Doc replies, "Why Johnny Ringo, you look like
someone just raised you from your grave."
Doc then uses his otherworldly powers to send electric shocks into Ringo's body. As Ringo shakes
convulsively, Doc deadpans, "You want fries with that shake?" With that he hits Ringo with another powerful
volt of electricity, frying him even worse and completely draining him of his life-force.
After killing Ringo for a second time, Doc stands over his body and replies, "It would appear that the
DRAIN was more than he could bear."
Fade to black. Cue credits. Everybody goes home extremely angry and mortified.
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October 3, 2007
New Trailer: No Country for Old Men
Just when you thought Josh Brolin and No Country for Old Men couldn't look any cooler, we're given this
trailer.
How can you watch this and NOT want to see it? If you're a commie, that's how. The Year of the Brolin is about to hit overdrive, so I just hope everybody is properly
prepared.
Brolin conquers Hollywood with No Country for Old Men on November 21.
Brolin Rocks the Pimp Suit
Brolin, via the upcoming release of American Gangster, will usher in a new era for the white pimp suit. I might have to pick one up to accompany the awesome leather jacket
he's sportin' in the above picture on the right. Take a close look at the picture. See the intensity in Josh's glare? Now look at Denzel Washington. Man. I have never seen so
much fear in one man's eyes. It's a look that says, "I'm no match for that look of badness or awesome brown leather jacket. There's a new king in town, and Brolin is his name."
I'll give Denzel credit - it speaks volumes of his skill to convey such a message with a simple look, and you have to appreciate that the man knows when he's over his head.
Brolin delivers American Gangster-style rump-kickings on November 2.
Opening this Week
THE SEEKER: THE DARK IS RISING
Director: David L. Cunningham
Stars: Alexander Ludwig, Ian McShane, and Christopher Eccleston
Rated: PG (for fantasy action and some scary images)
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
Tagline: Even the smallest of light... shines in the darkness
Length: 94 minutes
Website: The Seeker
Studio: Fox Walden
The Plot: The life of young Will Stanton (Ludwig) is turned upside down when he learns that he is the last of a group of immortal
warriors who have dedicated their lives to fighting the forces of the dark.
Johnny's Take: I watched the trailer and I'll be steering far clear of this one. It does look like it may be entertaining for youngsters,
but thank goodness I don't have kids. It's nice to not have an obligation to watch crappy kid's movies or sit through the pain of five-year-olds playing soccer.
THE HEARTBREAK KID
Director: The Farrelly Brothers
Stars: Ben Stiller, Michelle Monaghan, and Malin Akerman
Rated: R (for strong sexual content, crude humor and language)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: A newlywed man who believes he's just gotten hitched to the perfect woman encounters another lady on his honeymoon.
Length: 100 minutes
Website: The Heartbreak Kid
Studio: Dreamworks Pictures
The Plot: A newlywed (Stiller) regrets marrying his wife (Akerman) and ends up meeting the girl of his dreams (Monaghan) while on his honeymoon.
Johnny's Take: Watched it last night, and I was disappointed. More details in Friday's review.
Coming Tomorrow...
A sign-up for the Reservation Road screening and your chance to win a DVD of Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane. Yep, you know you're excited. Also, I'll
treat y'all to a little rant of the incompetence of Wal-Mart employees and my frustration with today's music industry.
Movie Mark Original #12 Revisited
Title: Waitin' on a Check
Tagline: Some men want to save the world; they just wanted to save for
a down payment on a houseboat.
Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Kingsley, and Christopher Walken
Synopsis: Hollywood is turned upside down when moviegoers across the country file a class
action lawsuit against three actors (Jackson, Kingsley, and Walken), accusing them of stealing their money by
inexplicably appearing in really awful movies. It doesn't take long for the judge to find the actors guilty of Theft by
Bad Movies.
The judge concludes, "I have determined that the three of you, by virtue of your reputable names in
the acting business, have recently conned moviegoers into forfeiting their hard-earned money to see really bad movies
simply because they were fans of your previous work. I have also determined that there was no way for these innocent
victims to be aware of just how wretched these movies would be. Among the list of offenses:
The Man, xXx: State of the
Union, Snakes on a Plane, A Sound of Thunder,
BloodRayne, Kangaroo Jack, Gigli, The Stepford
Wives... I could go on, but I'm getting sick to my stomach. You gentlemen should be ashamed."
Each movie title hits like a bullet as the actors begin to slowly realize exactly how much crap they've willingly
agreed to throw on the big screen, all in the name of a paycheck. But is it completely their fault? Or are they under
the spell of something much worse than bad decision-making? Realizing they've already hit the bottom of their
careers, the three actors determine they must get to the bottom of what exactly is controlling them. Don't miss
the exciting action as they take advantage of their one last chance to save their reputations.
The Climactic Scene: Jackson, Kingsley, and Walken get cornered by producers in the back of
a studio office. In what has been described as "the most exciting finale you'll see in this particular movie," they
feverishly dodge all variety of offers being thrown at them and battle ferociously with the monetary temptations that
refuse to leave them alone. In the film's defining moment, Jackson stares down a $10 million offer to appear in
Snakes on a Plane 2: Throw Mama Snake from the Plane. Wrestling with the decision of whether or not to sign
the contract, Jackson throws the pen down, caps two bullets into the head of the movie, removes the cigar from his
mouth, slowly turns to the camera and deadpans, "That's what I like to call kickin' asp."
As the credits roll, moviegoers start up the paperwork for lawsuit #2.
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October 2, 2007
David Caruso Drops the Ball ... of Cheese
As most of you know, Monday is "Caruso Cheese-fest" day for the ol' Betts-meister. After watching Prison Break and How I Met Your Mother - shows that are
actually good - I like to wind down with CSI: Miami. Sometimes it's nice to just kick back, relax, enjoy the sights of Emily Proctor and Eva La Rue, fast-forward
through 15 different forensic montages, and laugh at the ridiculousness of David Caruso.
Typically, the highlight is Caruso's pre-opening credit one-liner. Unfortunately, he didn't pull through in last night's episode. The gist of the episode is some high
school swimmer - a Christina Applegate wannabe - became famous overnight because of some tame picture that was posted on the Internet. I honestly don't understand what
the big deal was. She was in a one-piece swimsuit leaning against the edge of the pool, and THAT is what made her a "cyber-lebrity"? All of a sudden millions of people
know who she is and are bum-rushing her on the street? Yeah right.
Anyway, she was at a swim meet, and her boyfriend was shot with an arrow. He died instantly. The girl's father was upset and asked Horatio, "What if my daughter's next?"
Horatio responded, "Mr. Walker *puts on sunglasses* That's not gonna happen." He then jumped out of the scene and Roger Daltrey greeted us with a little Won't Get
Fooled Again screaming.
Disappointing. That's the best they could do? They couldn't have pulled a swimming pun out of the hat? Something about diving head first into the investigation or not
letting the clues get "all wet" would've worked. Thankfully, the end of the episode pulled through in the clutch.
It turned out that the killer was Applegate wannabe's really hot teammate, a young woman named Miranda who was jealous of Applegate Jr.'s success. She now became a
"cyber-lebrity" herself. Somebody created a website for her called Mirandas-Rights.com with the tagline, "Miranda has the right to remain hot!"
So a really hot high school chick resorts to murder because she's jealous of her teammate getting more attention? Uh-huh. And then she smiles and mugs for
the cameras, totally reveling in her new celebrity status? I just don't buy it. I suppose this was meant to be a little social commentary on today's rising power of the
Internet, but it just seemed too far-fetched even considering CSI: Miami's typical outlandish standards.
Down in the Valley
Has anybody seen this? Very weird movie. Ed Norton is a delusional man who believes he's a cowboy, and he engages in a relationship with Evan Rachel Wood. I spent
the first hour of the movie fighting the urge to just delete it from my DVR. The guy's almost 40, and he's having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old, and the
film is playing out like a typical romance story. I have no idea why Wood's father (David Morse) didn't pound the guy's face the first time he met him. "Your daughter's
a beautiful soul, and I'd like to earn your respect, sir."
Give me a break. SHE'S 16 YEARS OLD! Ever heard of a thing called statutory rape? Morse should have said, "My daughter's also underage and 20 years younger than you,
pedophile," and then proceeded to beat him senseless. Roll end credits. But nope, he gives his daughter a stern warning, and then things kind of went crazy from there.
I will say that it took a couple of unexpected turns, and the last 1/3rd certainly kept my interest, but I'd never sit through it again. And I can't give any
details without ruining what happens, but I absolutely hated the last five minutes and exactly what they represented. If you've seen it then we can discuss.
But here's what's really bugging me - near the end of the film there's an editing mistake that I just don't understand. Norton is out in the woods and he has a mustache.
He has to flee the area, and once we see him emerge on a road outside of the woods, guess what - the mustache is magically gone! It's blatantly obvious, and I have no
idea how a movie like this could let that slip.
A Sci-Fi Original? Sure. They're not really concerned with details of this nature. But you'd think a film with a reputable cast and modest budget would handle things with
a little more care.
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October 1, 2007
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #15
- The man who tried to extort $1 million from midget actor Tom Cruise over stolen wedding photographs was found dead in his home this weekend. It's being
ruled a suicide. Riiiiiiiiight. If it's one thing I've learned during my years of Hollywood observation it's to never trust anything related to a guy who believes a deposed galactic
ruler named Xenu is plotting an evil revenge attack on Earth.
- Did anybody see Paris Hilton on David Letterman's show this past Friday night? The uppity wainch was upset that he kept asking questions about her
recent jail stint. "There's other stuff to talk about Dave. I didn't come here to talk about this. That was a long time ago," she replied, "I'm sad that I came here."
Yeah? Well, I'm sad that you're a no-talented *ahem* "woman of low or sleazy character" *ahem* who, thanks to daddy's deep pockets, is a millionaire who is so unfamiliar
with the concept of work that you have hired hands who are responsible for reading and relaying to you terms of your probation, while decent, honest folks like me and my fellow
Movie Marks have to work our butts off on a daily basis, giving the lion's share of our time to the man, so we can enjoy whatever brief moments of luxury we actually earn.
But hey, everybody jump on the Paris Hilton pity bandwagon! Poor gal can't catch a break. Meet me for lunch, girl. You obviously need somebody to give you a reality check.
You're paying, and don't expect anything beyond that. Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you kindly got your shots beforehand. Thanks.
Did you really think Dave had you on his show so he could discuss your new perfume Can Can? If you ask me, the fragrance would have been more aptly named Sing Sing. Thank you,
thank you.
- Michelle Rodriguez is an idiot. In case you don't remember, the former Lost castmember was placed on probation after being found guilty of driving
under the influence in Hawaii in December 2005. She has violated that probation. Not only did she recently fail to prove she's enrolled to complete her community service, but
she handed in a false document showing that she carried out one day of community work on September 25.
Um, what? She had to produce a false document to show she did ONE DAY of community service? Absolutely unbelievable. She faces possible jail time, but that's at the judge's
discretion. I'd throw the book at her.
"What book, Johnny?"
Probably a hardcover version of War and Peace. Or maybe an unabridged dictionary. That'd leave a mark. Oh, how about grandma's four foot long, giant print Bible?
I'll never forget the time, during a particularly violent bout of rough-housing; my cousin dropped that sucker on his foot. Didn't walk right for a week.
- Welp, as expected, the Rock makes a gay - I'm sorry, I meant "cute" - kid's movie (The Game Plan) and scores his biggest opening weekend since 2002's crapfest The
Scorpion King. To make matters worse, I saw him on Conan last week and he mentioned doing an episode of Hannah Montana. My friend Stephen saw him on Leno last week
and reported, "He said he did the movie because it is one his own little daughter could actually watch. Then, he got up and showed Jay how to do some ballet move. The old Rock
would have rock-bottomed Jay, grabbed the mic, and yelled his tongue-waggin' catch-phrase."
So true. Rock, we hardly knew ye. What's next, Russell Crowe in a movie about love, an illegitimate daughter, and a vineyard? Oops. Never mind.
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