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BREAKING NEWS - SEPTEMBER 2005September 30, 2005Review: Into the Blue
"A more apt title would've been Into the Booty. Not only would it have been a clever play on the fact that these kids have found the hidden treasure from the merchant ship Zephyr, but it would also accurately describe how the camera manages to find every single angle to depict a day in the life of Jessica Alba's wedgie. If it's Ms. Alba's tan, toned booty you want then that is exactly what you'll get. The ladies get a shirtless Josh Brolin. Oh, and I guess the wimpier Paul Walker runs around shirtless most of the time also, if you like scrawnier guys."Johnny Betts reviews Into the Blue, starring Josh Brolin, Jessica Alba, and Paul Walker.Review: A History of Violence
"The sex scenes? Gratuitous and completely out of place. I have to believe that Cronenberg's desired reaction from the audience was NOT chuckling and shouts of, 'Someone fast forward please!' And the acting of the secondary characters? Laughable. What was up with the high school bully? This Randy Travis/Patrick Swayze hybrid sashays onto the screen sportin' a nice 80s mullet and a flipped up jacket collar looking like he just tried out for a rejected pilot called Son of Fonzi."Johnny Betts reviews A History of Violence, starring Viggo Mortensen, Maria Bello, and Ed Harris.Review: The Greatest Game Ever Played
"This is one of those movies that will absolutely thrill its target audience. If you love golf or Disney-produced underdog movies then you'll enjoy this one. For me, it's one of those movies that's good for one viewing. I enjoyed it, but it was a little slow-paced at times, and since I already knew the outcome of the match I wasn't completely enthralled with the tension that Bill Paxton tries to derive by following a golf ball on its arduous journey to the hole. However, others in the audience would clap wildly at every long putt that was sunk."Johnny Betts reviews The Greatest Game Ever Played, starring Shia LaBeouf.September 28, 2005Is Kirsten a Dunce?*ahem* TOPHER GRACE AS VENOM?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! It took me long enough to accept that there wasn't anything I could do about Tobey Maguire being Spider-Man, but now I'm expected to buy the painfully skinny Topher Grace as one of Spider-Man's most vicious enemies? Venom is huge! He's muscular! Topher could put on 100 pounds of muscle and still not look the part. Seriously, someone like The Rock would've been appropriate for the part. I hope this is just a case of Dunst being the ditz that she effectively protrays herself to be. Ben Affleck to run for Senator?Hey Ben, if you want to make decisions that will ruin your own career then go right ahead, but leave Virginia and the rest of the U.S. out of it! September 27, 2005On DVD This Week
"The movie isn't all that funny (unless you just can't get enough of that good old fashioned robot fart humor), and the story isn't engaging, but it's kind of cool to look at. Robots is the movie equivalent of the cute dumb girl you knew in high school who couldn't carry a conversation. Sure, they're both pretty, and they're pleasant on the eyes, but when you listen closely to the narrative you realize the substance just isn't there."Special Features:
Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story! - This one's for Family Guy fans. If you're a fan then you probably already know about this. If not, well, now you do. You're welcome. Have I mentioned I'll be seeing Josh Brolin's Into the Blue tonight? September 26, 2005Opening This Week
Into the Blue - This is the only one that matters. I know that I've been hyping this
one mainly because Josh Brolin is going to steal the show as the main bad guy (and Jessica Alba ain't lookin' too
shabby), but it looks like it might be a lot of fun in a The Fast and the Furious kind of way. The "group of
divers finds illicit cargo" plot might not sound overly original, but I predict Josh's intensity will elevate
the proceedings. I'm going to see this one on Tuesday, and I'm probably more excited than I should be willing to
admit.A History of Violence - Now that I know this isn't a biopic concerning Ike Turner's life, I'm really looking forward to it. I know it's going to be violent (there's a whole history of that to portray!), but will the mystery behind Viggo Mortensen's character prove to be satisfying? I'll know by Thursday. The Greatest Game Ever Played - The title is a little misleading because this movie is about golf rather than the REAL greatest game ever played - baseball. But I'll let it slide. Due to the fact that Stephanie and I were rockin' out to Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers in Little Rock, I wasn't able to attend the screening I sponsored. However, I will see it this Wednesday. Plus, people who did attend the screening told me this is a great family movie. It's based on the book by Mark Frost which is based on the true story of turn-of-the-century golfer Francis Ouimet. I'm sure it's an entertaining film, but it better not cause "easy peasey, lemon squeezey" to become a frequently used catchphrase. If you use that or "read it, roll it, hole it" in my vicinity then I might just punch you in the brain. You have been warned. Serenity - I never watched Firefly (the TV series this is based on), so I don't have much interest in this one. Plus, the trailer didn't exactly knock my boxer-briefs off. I'm hearing positive things about it though, so I'm sure it'll please its fanboy base. I won't be seeing it this week because the screening is on the same night as Into the Blue. Oliver Twist - Aren't 41 other adaptations of this Charles Dickens tale enough? Who thought that there was really a need for one more? The fact that it's being directed by the pint-sized child rapist Roman Polanski makes me even less interested in checking it out. Weekend Box OfficeIt didn't break any box office records, but I'm a little surprised to see Roll Bounce in the top five. The fact that Bow Wow (that's right, he's dropped the "Lil" from his name) is in this makes me really have no desire to ever see it in life. Or death for that matter. It's a shame too because I'm sure it would've brought back fond memories of the skate-offs my friends and I used to have with rival gangs. I had a routine that I'd do to Thriller that would absolutely bring the house down. Unfortunately, my friend Brian put together a routine using Weird Al's Eat It, and no one would take us seriously after that. I tried my best at a comeback by using Lady in Red during "couples skate only," but by that time the magic was already gone. September 23, 2005Card Carrying Member of the Bon Jovi Secret SocietyReview: FlightplanSeptember 22, 2005Kenny Chesney - A Knight in Shining ArmorSo what did he decide to sacrifice? Oh, nothing but the woman who he insincerely pledged his life to. What a catch! Hurry up, ladies; grab this man while he's available! If you're lucky he might make you #6 or #7 in his life. My guess is that he was running low on creativity and he really needed material for a new song. But if you've ever heard any of his songs then you know that "running high on creativity" has never been a problem for Chesney. What a moron. Yeah, I said it. Kenny Chesney - you are part of what's wrong with society. I would ask why they got married in the first place if they were so busy and not willing to put a modicum of effort into making this work, but I think it's obvious they were drunk. Come on, this is a guy who wrote She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy. Why does society make hacks like this famous? The sooner he goes away, the better. Tomorrow I have a real treat for everybody ... my story of joining the Bon Jovi Secret Society. September 21, 2005New Movie Mark Dictionary TermI am way too familiar with the scream-and-laugher. This annoying stain on the movie-going audience is the main reason I hate seeing horror movies with a big crowd. Check out the The Movie Mark Dictionary for other frighteningly original movie terms. The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #9Jude Law: You are all that keeps me from sliding into some dark place. Betts: I am? Oh, you're talking to Nicole. Kidman: But how did I keep you? We barely knew each other. A few moments. Jude Law: A thousand moments. They're like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart. Don't matter if they're real or things I made up. The shape of your neck, that's real. You were always carrying a tray. Betts: Huh? What are you talking about? Does that gay "bag of tiny diamonds" crap actually work on women? You're some plow-hand soldier, there's no way you'd be talking like this!!! Kidman: You wouldn't come inside. Jude Law: I wouldn't come inside. Betts: I just vomited inside my mouth a little. Does that count? Kidman: I had to carry a tray to come out and see you. Betts: Oh brother. Jude Law: The way you felt when I pulled you to me. That kiss - which I kissed again everyday of my walking. Betts: No you didn't. Excuse me, but my eye just rolled so far in the back of my head that it detached from the retina and fell out of the socket. Kidman: Everyday of my waiting... Betts: Every day of my puking. Truly awful. Even Stephanie was shaking her head and wondering when it would be over. And Renee Zellweger won an Oscar for her role? She was laughable! I thought her character was supposed to be some sort of caricature. If there was an Oscar for Most Annoying Character, then yeah, she should've gotten it. I hated her fake accent. At one point I asked Stephanie if it was supposed to be a Southern accent or a cockneyed English accent like Eliza Doolittle had in My Fair Lady. Plus, why is Hollywood hiring a bunch of foreigners to portray Southerners? Two English dudes and an Australian chick were posing as if they're from the Southern United States. I'm going to act offended. Also, I couldn't have cared less about Law's or Kidman's characters, but if I had then I would have been extremely angry about the ending. But as it is, I just couldn't have cared less about their fate or their relationship. The only character I really found interesting was Charlie Hunnam's Bosie. I just can't believe this movie received so many Oscar nominations. All right, I best prepare myself for some hate mail from the Jude Law fangirls... September 20, 2005New Line News - Wedding Crashers Crashes $200 Million MarkNew Line has also announced that the DVD will be released in two versions - regular and extra crispy. Wow. I am so sorry. That was so lame that not even an apology is sufficient. Actually, there will be the theatrical version and an unrated version (containing 9 extra minutes). More details on the special features to come... New Line Television Joins With Sci-Fi Channel And NBC For "What If"The series, inspired by the What If book series published by Putnam, is in development as a weekly one-hour program to be launched in 2006. What If will dramatize several mind-bending scenarios, including a world in which the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs missed Earth, or how the world would look today if Nazi Germany won World War II. Episodes will also feature in live-action re-creations, mock documentary footage and interviews with relevant personalities. Hmm, this has the potential to be very interesting. My dad has read and enjoyed at least one or two of the books. But what scares me is the combination of the Sci-Fi Channel and the mention of "computer generated animation." If you've seen any Sci-Fi Originals then you know their track record with CGI is about as good as Pamela Anderson's track record with non-skankiness. September 19, 2005Contest: Corpse Bride
Unfortunately, there will be no Johnny Betts review of Corpse Bride this week. I wasn't able to attend last
Thursday's screening because I was in Houston. And I won't be able to attend tonight's screening because I'll be busy
leading my softball team to another victory. However, most of the people who attended the screening last week due to
my generosity of giving them my passes all enjoyed the movie. My sister was the least impressed, calling it "OK," but
she doesn't like Tim Burton, so there you go. The Burton marks all seem to have enjoyed it.But just because I'm not seeing it this week doesn't mean I can't give you the opportunity to win something free. Well, Warner Bros. is the one giving you this opportunity, but why argue semantics? Anyway, one winner will be chosen so check out the Corpse Bride Contest Page and enter to win. If you just can't get enough of Corpse Bride then have a little fun at these sites: Post Mortem - I asked if Josh Brolin would win an Oscar and it replied with "Yes." As a follow-up, I asked when Josh would win the Oscar and it replied with, "not sure." Nice little loophole there. I'll be keeping an eye on this! Bonymail - This is pretty neat. You can send friends, families, and enemies an email by writing on a dusty mirror with a skeleton hand. Grave Misunderstanding - Send this link to all your friends and be sure and tell them to turn the volume up really loud before watching the video. Be subtle about it. Coming This WeekNext week will be huge though because I'll be seeing three screenings (Into the Blue, History of Violence, and The Greatest Game Ever Played). There are still a couple of seats left on the Josh Brolin Best Supporting Actor Oscar bandwagon, so hurry up and let me know that you want to join. September 16, 2005Review: Cry_Wolf
"Working with a minimal budget and a no-name cast (except for Bon Jovi and Gary Cole), director Jeff Wadlow has shown us, just like last year's Saw did, that when your ambition is bigger than your pocketbook then you can still create an extremely entertaining film. This isn't quite as frantic and intense as Saw, but I have no problem admitting that it sucked me in and forced me to thoroughly enjoy it."Johnny reviews Cry_Wolf. I apologize for the lack of pictures and Odds & Ends, but I'm in Houston working from a laptop, so my time and resources are limited at the moment.Review: Lord of War"The movie's website claims this is an action/adventure movie? What a load. It's 95% drama. Yes there are lots of guns, but that doesn't mean there are constant chase scenes and tons of explosions."Stephanie reviews Lord of War. I had a softball game (which we won 8-7) the same night as the screening so Stephanie agreed to handle the reviewing duties on this one, and she obviously loves to make My So-Called Life references.Review: Just Like Heaven
"If you're a fan of romantic fairy tale fantasies then I hope you're a female. But whatever the case, this delivers for fans of the genre. It's safe to say that your enjoyment level of Just Like Heaven will directly correlate to your testosterone level. Guys, if your girlfriend wants to drag you to this one then just play along, but please don't put this one on your 'guys' night out' list."Johnny reviews Just Like Heaven, starring Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo. Again, my apologies for the lack of humorously-captioned pictures and Odds & Ends, but hey, I've already given you my handy excuse.Next week should get a little more back to normal. But what's really exciting is the week of September 30th. Oh yeah, that's when Josh Brolin's Into the Blue will revolutionize the industry! I'm gonna go ahead and kickstart my Josh Brolin Best Supporting Actor Oscar campaign right now. Let me know if you'd like to join. September 15, 2005The Doorless StallOh, and I'll try to come up with some ideas for movie-related pranks. I'll keep you updated. September 14, 2005On DVD This Week: Fever Pitch
"Anybody who has a passion for sports will be able to relate to this movie on some level. Unless you have a favorite sports team you can't fully understand the extreme highs and lows that a fan such as Fallon's Ben can go through. There's nothing quite so fresh as the smell of a new season and nothing quite so smooth as a clean slate. Well, figuratively speaking. It's the joy of being a sports fan. 'Wait 'til next year,' becomes your mantra, your motto, your prayer - and Fever Pitch effectively captures that essence."Special Features:September 13, 2005Review: The Exorcism of Emily Rose
"I was disappointed when I got home, did some research, and found out that most of the movie's details regarding the possession and the priest's statements were indeed fictional and had nothing to do with the real case. My doubts were confirmed. I suppose you have to twist the facts and dramatize everything when you're trying to scare people, but I was hoping this would be a case where truth really was stranger than fiction. I convinced myself to expect that would *not* be the case, so my expectations were met and I went home happy. I was just hoping my Kroger brand cinnamon pop tart would taste sweeter the next morning. Oh well, maybe next time."Johnny Betts reviews The Exorcism of Emily Rose, starring Laura Linney, Tom Wilkinson, Campbell Scott, and Jennifer Carpenter.Coming Friday... reviews of Lord of War (by Stephanie!), Just Like Heaven, and Cry Wolf. September 12, 2005Movie Mark Original #9Tagline: Bread to Kill. Cast: Brian Bosworth Synopsis: After an injury ruins his football career, and the lack of any sort of ability to act ruins any hopes of an acting career, John Rock (Bosworth) moves his family to the simple life of a small rural town where he immediately becomes sheriff. Little did he know that his duties would involve ghost busting as well. Rock soon learns that the old, decrepit located-in-the-middle-of-nowhere farmhouse that he and his family move into is haunted. What's even stranger is that the only source of the haunting seems to be the toaster. Why would a ghost haunt an appliance and nothing else? That's just one of the many mysteries that Rock will be forced to unravel. But don't you worry, he is bound and determined to destroy the toaster, look straight into the camera, remove his cigar, and exclaim, "You're toast." Emily Rose ReviewSeptember 9, 2005The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of The Greatest Game Ever Played
Are you anywhere near the Memphis area, and would you like to see a FREE, ADVANCED screening of The Greatest Game
Ever Played? Well, thanks to your friends at the Movie Mark you have the ability to do that. Just
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 100 people to sign up will
receive a pass. All entries must be received by September 14th so that I can send them to the studio so they can save me
some postage and distribute the passes. Thanks for participating.When: Wednesday, September 21st at 7:30 PM Where: Malco Wolfchase in Memphis, TN Who: You and a guest Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else. How Much: FREE! Oh, and I'll post my Emily Rose review by Monday. Sorry, but Stephanie's birthday kept me pretty occupied yesterday, and I had to get the Greatest Game entry form set up as soon as possible. I know y'all understand. Review: The Man
"Admittedly, there are a couple of funny moments where I reluctantly smiled, and if these scenes had been in another movie then I may have laughed, but by the time these brief respites from the humorless zone arrived I was already so bored into a stupor that I just didn't have it in me to even politely chuckle."Read my review of The Man, starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy, and find out why it qualifies as the least entertaining movie I've seen so far in 2005.Be patient... my review of The Exorcism of Emily Rose and the sign up for The Greatest Game Ever Played is coming very soon... September 8, 2005Johnny Betts' Movie News That's Not Really NewsworthyMemphis, TN - It was with abject apathy that Internet celebrity and movie reviewing genius Johnny Betts read IMDb's startling revelation that Katie Holmes is considering taking Tom Cruise's last name when they eventually go through with their fake marriage. Additionally, a source reported to In Touch magazine that, "Tom calls her Kate, so he suggested she start going by that professionally." Upon reading this, the dark-haired Betts sighed, rolled his eyes, and yelled aloud, "WHO COULD POSSIBLY CARE?!?!" A couple of coworkers walked by his cubicle to make sure he was all right. Upon hearing the "Kate Cruise" news, the coworkers joined Betts in mocking the pint-sized Cruise and questioned how psycho he goes when turned away from rides at Disney World. Neither Cruise nor Holmes could be reached for comment. A Movie Horror StoryHappy Birthday!Coming Soon...September 7, 2005WWWP: Learn Some Consideration, PleaseSeptember 6, 2005Review: The Transporter 2
"If you're a fan of the original, or if you don't mind intentionally ridiculous action movies, then you should have a lot of fun with The Transporter 2. Just make sure you're not in the mood for a really engaging story wrapped in a blanket of realism."I claimed my review of The Transporter 2 would be posted yesterday, huh? Oh well, it was a holiday and I didn't feel like working on it, so I'm sure you'll cut me some slack. Thanks, I appreciate it. My review is done now, so enjoy it and quit complaining that it's a day after you expected it. Ingrates!September 2, 2005Review: The Constant Gardener
"Moviegoers who love Oscar-type movies that work under the pretense of social commentary will most likely enjoy this one. But people who are looking for some legitimate tension and thrills will probably walk away joking that this should have been called The Constant Snoozer instead."Johnny reviews The Constant Gardener starring Ralph Fiennes and the always lovely Rachel Weisz.The Transporter 2 Review Coming SoonSeptember 1, 2005Review: A Sound of Thunder
"What exactly is the sound of thunder? If this movie is any indication then it's the sound of moviegoers
thundering towards the exit, demanding their money back. Yes, the movie is that bad.
Johnny Betts reviews the suprisingly bad A Sound of Thunder,
starring Edward Burns and Ben "Give Me That Paycheck" Kingsley.New Movie Mark Dictionary TermCheck out the The Movie Mark Dictionary for other frighteningly original movie terms. |
HOME PAGE  Hancock Get Smart The Incredible Hulk The Strangers Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Young at Heart Iron Man Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed The Forbidden Kingdom  Weekend Results: 1. Hancock($62,603,879) 2. Wall-E($32,509,203) 3. Wanted($20,050,070) 4. Get Smart($11,109,408) 5. Kung Fu Panda($7,318,635) |
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Copyright © 2004 The Movie Mark. All Rights Reserved. No reproduction of these reviews or any of the original material on this site is allowed without prior permission from Johnny Betts. Comply or suffer the consequences of Johnny's size 11 biker boot. Wanna be a Movie Mark? Send Johnny Betts an email (johnny_betts@hotmail.com) to be added to the list or complete: The Movie Mark Questionnaire.
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