BREAKING NEWS - SEPTEMBER 2006
September 29, 2006
REVIEW: The Guardian
"Do you have what it takes to be a rescue swimmer? Just think about it - you get to go on dangerous missions
in cold, dark, rough water, and then you must fight disorientation, exhaustion, hypothermia, and a lack of
oxygen all while trying to help stranded, panicked people who are depending on you for their survival. And
if all that isn't bad enough, sometimes you can't save everybody so you have to make the tough decision of who
lives and who dies.
Man, who wants all that responsibility? Not me! I had no idea what it was really like for these guys, and
who would have thought I'd have an Ashton Kutcher/Kevin Costner movie to thank for the education?"
Johnny reviews The Guardian, starring Kevin Costner and Apeman
Kutcher.
REVIEW: School for Scoundrels
"I'm not telling you to run out and pay full price to see it because this certainly won't appeal to everybody
and I don't want anybody ganging up on me for giving this a blanket recommendation, but I will admit that it's
much better than a movie with both Horatio Sanz and Jon Heder has any right to be."
Johnny reviews School for Scoundrels, starring
Jon Heder and Billy Bob Thornton.
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September 28, 2006
News of the Hollyweird
- Screech Like You Never Wanted to See Him. Folks, before you continue to read I
would strongly recommend having a bucket handy because you'll likely vomit. It has been reported that a sex
tape featuring Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) has surfaced. I'll give you a second
to purge...
Apparently, the tape features Screech and two (either very drunk or inflatable) women. Here's the kicker - his
agent is trying to find a distributor for the tape and his manager hopes this will raise Screech's profile and
resurrect his "acting" career. Oh, and just in case you haven't gagged enough - the name of the tape is
Saved by the Smell. Sigh.
This just can't be real. I know there are a lot of sickos out there, but I can't see anybody having an interest
in a Screech sex tape. If you're out there then please don't ever introduce yourself. I prefer not to meet
you.
If this happens to be legit then I'm gonna go sit in the corner and pray for Armageddon. Can mankind really
get much lower than this?
- Russell Continues to Kick it - Crowe Style. Give Russell Crowe all the grief you want, but
I love his anti-Hollywood attitude. I love his rants against the highly-overrated, marginally-talented George
Clooney, and now he's earned even more respect by squashing rumors that he'd be portraying his friend Steve
Irwin in a movie, "It's appalling to me and offends me very deeply. It's so awful that I have to deal with
millions of people thinking I would dance on my friend's grave. Yes, I do think there should be a movie made
about Steve but I'm not the sort of person who will be doing commerce on my friend's grave."
Give 'em Hades, Russell! Rumor has it that Clooney might be willing to do the project if it could get him
another undeserved Oscar nomination.
- Justin Timberlake Still Has No Talent. I have nothing new to add to the subject,
but a reader (Lou S.) did send in a passionate editorial that I thought I'd share with everybody. Why? Because
we simply can't make fun of this guy enough. Take it away, Lou:
"Justin Timber-fake! Ha! I'm witty like you! No really, thanks for taking him down more notches than he
should ever have earned.
I unfortunately recall the NStynk troll once (and only once) co-hosted the 2003 MTV movie awards. He was
later interviewed using his "hood" accent and said he was the first "musician" to ever host the show. Well,
unlike Elvis, I did not shoot the television upon hearing this girly-singing-voiced imp claim that he is, in
fact a musician. Instead, I did a Fred Flintstone head shake and thought it over.
So a "musician" out of a pop boy band feels he's like Charlie Parker, Ray Charles, Jimi Hendrix, Etta James,
John Williams, Miles Davis, Charlie Mingus, Billie Holliday, Luciano Pavarotti, Thelonious Monk, Branford,
Wynton and Ellis Marsalis, etc. Not to mention, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Ludwig Von
Beethoven, WHO WAS FREAKIN' DEAF! And yes, Timberlake is just like every single man playing their axe on the
streets of Manhattan with their case open for coin deposit.
What a narcissistic and disgusting claim.
And not only that, but his first "starring role" in "Edison Force" went directly to DVD, taking down with him
real actors Morgan Freeman & Kevin Spacey and even Cary Elwes & LL Cool J. Even more reason to despise this
worm. (Please review that movie, though.)
So again, we thank you for telling the world that Justin is a Timber-joke."
You're welcome, Lou. Just doin' my job. I will eventually get around to watching and reviewing Edison
Force as soon as I'm able to do it without wasting valuable money. And in case any of y'all are unclear
then let me reiterate - Timberlake is not a musician. Has anybody ever seen the guy play an instrument?
He's nothing more than a black-cent talkin', afro-sportin', bad actin', high-pitched singin' Michael Jackson
wannabe who's still waiting for his you-know-whats to drop. And that's assuming he has any. Are we clear on
my feelings? Is further explanation necessary?
Coming Tomorrow
Reviews of both School for Scoundrels and The Guardian.
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September 27, 2006
Movie Mark Original #18
Title: Let's Get Kraken
Tagline: Kraken Kills.
Cast: Roy Scheider, Lance Henriksen, Joseph Lawrence, a hot
chick or two
Plot Summary: Roy Scheider and Lance Henriksen are two old seafarers who have been
sailing the coasts of Norway and Iceland for years, searching for definitive proof of the mythological
Kraken.
Scheider (whose character suffers from Alzheimer's) is confident that he came across the dreaded sea monster about
21 years ago, but his detractors fruitlessly try to convince him that his bad memory has caused him to forget
that it was actually a gigantic great white shark that he faced.
After several ships go missing in the Norway/Iceland area, a young, arrogant member of the Coast Guard
(Lawrence) is sent to the area to investigate. A natural skeptic, he immediately dismisses Scheider's and
Henriksen's claims that the Kraken is the cause of the disturbance. The three men must reluctantly bond
together to solve the mystery and smooth the waters. Kraken ensues.
Joseph Lawrence's Introduction: After hearing that the U.S. Coast Guard is sending
a man to the area to investigate the missing ships, Scheider and Henriksen head to the scene to start their
own inquiry. Upon arriving, Lawrence sees the two old men and scoffs, "Somebody call Ray Bradbury! Looks like
we've got The Old Men and the Sea."
Henriksen, in all his grizzled wisdom, replies, "You're the expert sent to investigate this? GIMME A BREAK!
It was Ernest Hemingway who wrote The Old Man and the Sea. If you ask me, your experience needs to
BLOSSOM before you're ready to handle something like this, son."
Lawrence replies, "Whoa!"
Snazzy Catchphrase: Whenever Scheider and Henriksen prepare to start a search for
the sea creature, one of them will always rub his hands together and say, "Well, let's get kraken!" It's
anticipated that this catchphrase will make its way to t-shirts and bumper stickers and basically take the
country by storm.
Comic Relief: During what is sure to be a tense and smothering scene where our heroes
are battling the Kraken, Scheider and Henriksen will start to argue like an old married couple. An injured
and winded Lawrence will look up at the two men, laugh, and reply, "You guys are really KRAKEN me up over here!"
Everybody will look at each other, pause two beats, and then burst into simultaneous laughter, effectively
breaking the tension.
Please note: it'll help to have a working knowledge of Joey Lawrence's career (or the two lone highlights of it)
to fully understand all the references.
Click here for more hilarious Movie Mark Originals.
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September 26, 2006
On DVD This Week
Check out my DVD Preview page for ideas on what you may or may not want
to rent this week.
Flicka Screening
Don't forget to sign up for the Flicka screening right here.
Homeless Sassy Tree
Let me preface this by saying I strongly support giving to those in need. I give to charities specifically
designed to help the poor and destitute. Charities that I respect and trust. However, in general, I do not
give money to panhandlers. Unless I'm scared they might touch me - in that case I may throw a little change in
their direction to get them away.
If some of you think this is mean then you need to open your eyes. I'm not going to give a bum a couple of
bucks that'll only be used to fuel the alcohol flame running through his blood stream. "But what if they just
need food, Johnny?!?!"
Well, I've offered to buy some of these guys a sandwich before, and I'm usually told they'd rather have the
change. Screw that noise. So I usually direct them to where they can get real help. They just furrow their brow
and move to the next person who's actually making an effort to contribute to society.
I had one drunk come up to me once, cigarette in hand, and ask for change to ride the bus. I calmly told him if he
could afford alcohol and cigarettes then he could most certainly afford a bus ticket. He started to smart off,
so I just silently pointed to the biker boots and he moved along.
Anyway, yesterday Mr. Shade and I were walking to our cars after work when we're accosted by a bum who appeared
to have been drinking. Naturally, he asked for change. Naturally, we politely told him we didn't have any to
spare, but before I could direct him to where he could get help he had to get sarcastic. He holds out a
quarter that somebody just gave him and rudely said, "Here's some change since you don't seem to have any."
Now I'm a fairly easy-going guy. I don't go around looking for confrontation, but I do thrive on it when it
presents itself. So I turned to Mr. Shade and said, "Did we just get sassed by a homeless guy?" "I believe we
did," Shade replied.
I'm a strong believer in learning lessons, so I walked up to the guy, took his quarter, and thanked him. He
started flailing his arms angrily, so Mr. Shade and I did the only thing we could in the moment - knocked him
to the ground and gut-kicked him.
OK, so maybe that last paragraph isn't completely accurate, but has society gotten to the point where the
homeless are so brash as to get uppity with folks who don't want to contribute to their alcohol fund? It
reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where the homeless shelter was insulted by Elaine donating
the bottom of the muffins. That scene always irritates me. It may be a cliché, but it's true - beggars
can't be choosers.
The bottom line is that if somebody needs help then I'm more than happy to give them that help. Are you
hungry? Let me buy you a sandwich. You need a place to sleep? Here are the directions to the nearest
shelter. But when you approach me with alcohol on your breath and claim you need gas or bus money then
forget it. That's where my charity ends. And don't get sassy about it.
If there's a moral to this story then I think it's we should all band together, and as long as we're
donating to charities of our choice then we should not let somebody make us feel guilty about not giving
money to panhandlers who have no interest in truly improving their situation.
We have more to offer them than random change. That's what we owe them - real help, not a dismissive quarter.
If they don't like it then it's not your fault that they're simply adding to their problems and you shouldn't
feel like it is.
Give me a couple of months and I'll have this turned into a Lifetime Movie Network special, starring Gary
Coleman as one of the main panhandlers. Hopefully he won't refuse the role simply because it hits a little
too close to home.
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September 25, 2006
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Flicka
At the risk of taking a little damage to my massive amount of machismo (it's OK, I've got loads to spare),
I'm inviting you to a FREE, ADVANCED screening of Tim McGraw's Flicka (shut up).
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 50 people to sign up
will receive a pass. Thanks for participating.
Please note that this is a Saturday MORNING screening. I will not be held responsible for your inability
to correctly read the details.
What: Advanced Screening of Flicka
When: Saturday, October 14th at 10:00 AM
Where: Malco Paradiso in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
A Movie Horror Story
Today's horror story comes from Deloris, and it is indeed horrifically creepy. Never underestimate a pervert's
ability to try to find an excuse to grope a woman. Read the full story in
Nice Arms.
Sci-Fi Channel Update
A movie called Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep starring Charlie O'Connell? How could I not give that a
chance? Unfortunately, I fell asleep after about 15 minutes. Never fear - I DVR'd it and will attempt to finish
it by the end of the week. Wish me luck.
One thing I noticed is that O'Connell seems to be doing a Daniel Baldwin impersonation. And I don't mean he
was getting coked and liquored up and wrapping his car around trees, no, it has more to do with his voice and
squinty-eyed smile. Why Daniel, of all the Baldwins? Well, you'd have to be an expert in the idiosyncrasies
of the Baldwin bros to make the distinction, so just take my word for it.
A Note to All You Spammers
This goes out to anybody filling out the Movie Mark Questionnaire with a name like "pxklfrop" and leaving a
grammatically-insulting comment such as "nice site look this" followed by a weird URL that is harder to decipher
than an Iraqi phonebook - you ain't fooling anybody. Leave my questionnaire alone. Thanks.
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September 22, 2006
REVIEW: Flyboys
"I really enjoyed it. Sure, it's somewhat predictable, it enlists the help of tried and true clichés, there's
not much depth beyond the story's surface, and there's an obligatory romance that guys will have to tolerate,
but the film knows not to linger too long and is always quick to jump back to the fantastic action.
If you want a comparison then think of it this way - Titanic is a romance with ship-sinking action thrown
into the mix, whereas Flyboys is an action film with a little
romance thrown in. I prefer the latter."
Johnny reviews Flyboys, starring James Franco, Jean Reno,
the guy from Torque, a bunch of dudes I've never heard of, and
some cute French chickie.
A Note to All You Softball Players Out There
If your team has six or seven players who can consistently hit homeruns (at will) and you have $300 bats
that are made of a material that causes the bat to bend with impact then you have no business in the Rec
league. Man up and play competitive, showboats.
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September 21, 2006
Sony Pictures Fall/Winter Preview
I know I said that due to personal reasons I wasn't going to deal with Sony's upcoming movies, but I feel more
of an obligation to make fun of them, so please check out my Sony
Fall/Winter Preview.
You'll be happy to know that I've compiled links to all my Fall/Winter previews in one easy to access
location.
Just click right here for more previewing action than you
can shake a stick at. Though I have to admit that I don't exactly know how much previewing action that you
can shake a stick at, so I'm merely making an educated guess.
Yes, I am a dork, and no, I don't need you to constantly remind me.
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: Hide and Creep
"The film looks like it was made on a $1000 budget, it features heroes with mullets, and the make-up jobs for the
zombies are nothing more than a little white powder on the face. How good could you possibly expect this to
be?
But, believe it or not, there is some real humor here!"
My review of Hide and Creep is short (like Tom Cruise), simple (like
Paris Hilton's mental functions), and to the point (like Reese Witherspoon's chin). No bloated (Rosie O'Donnell)
review today - I simply keep it real (unlike that plastic monstrosity that Pamela Anderson calls a chest).
Read the review and enjoy.
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September 20, 2006
WWWP: Is the Audible Yawning Necessary?
Life is a daily puzzle. Sure, we have our routines - we wake up, we go to work, we survive the day, we drive
home, we eat, we sleep, and then we do it all over again. But every day presents us with a challenge. There
are new questions to answer, new problems to solve. The puzzle is presented to us and we have to figure out
how the pieces fit.
However, there seems to be one question that we can never completely figure out. A quick observance of the
humans around us and the idiosyncrasies that make them who they are keep us wondering - what in the
world is wrong with people?
Once again, that's the underlining theme in my new WWWP article - Is the Audible
Yawning Necessary? Enjoy.
Coming Tomorrow
I wanted to have my review of Hide and Creep ready by today, but life doesn't always work out the way
we want it to, now does it? So I guarantee that I'll have it for you by tomorrow. And as a reward for your
patience I will also post a new movie horror story.
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September 19, 2006
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #13
- The Movie Mark would like to print a correction to a statement made in yesterday's journal entry. Rather
than state that antiseptic should be placed on a dog's tongue, Mr. Rosie O'Donnell said that a dog's tongue
contains a natural antiseptic and THAT is why it should be allowed to lick babies.
The Movie Mark wishes to apologize for this grievous error and wants to make sure everybody is clear on the
exact context of Mr. O'Donnell's ridiculous statement.
The Movie Mark would like to further recommend that Mr. O'Donnell consider giving his career the "Old Yeller
treatment" and exiting our airwaves.
- Saw Flyboys yesterday. Good stuff. You can expect my review on Friday. However, tomorrow you
can look for a new What's Wrong with People? entry. It involves a person's inability to keep his
yawns inaudible.
- That's not all the fun we'll be having tomorrow! I shall also treat everybody to a review of the
low budget B-movie Hide and Creep. Rednecks with mullets fighting zombies? Oh yeah!
On DVD This Week
Check out my DVD Preview page for ideas on what you may or may not want
to rent this week.
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September 18, 2006
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #12
- Dear Movie Mark Journal, it's been a while since I've written to you. Seven months to be exact. I can't
believe I forgot how quick and easy it is to make a post on The Movie Mark by slapping down some random thoughts
and calling it a journal. I promise not to neglect you so long ever again.
- Can someone give me one good reason why Rosie O'Donnell (AKA the most revolting "woman" on the planet) is
still allowed to litter our airwaves? I don't watch The Viewterus, but every now and then I'll watch one of
those shows on VH1 or E! that recaps the news of the week, and they typically expose me to something stupid
that Rosie somehow managed to blurt out despite the mouth blockage of donuts and other food items.
The other day Rosie advocated putting antiseptic on a dog's tongue and letting it lick babies' in personal
areas to cure rashes and the like. Uh. Hey Rosie, I know a little tradition that people sometimes do
with dogs when they're past their prime. I like to refer to it as "the Old Yeller" treatment. I could show
you how it's done. Would you care to meet me behind the barn?
- Don't you just love when foreign singers/actors think they can go to a country they've never lived in and
tell its citizens how to vote? Hey, I know, how about you start going door-to-door and telling everybody how
to raise their kids? Tools.
- I heard on the radio today that Martha Stewart is worried about competition from Rachael Ray's new daytime
cooking show, going so far as to attempt to sneak four of her staffers into a taping of Ray's show. You
should be worried, Martha. You've got the personality of Josh Hartnett and your K-Mart brand towels are
pathetic! GO RACHAEL RAY!
- This is the week that the majority of the new TV shows begin. Unfortunately, there are about 48 new shows
I'm interested in to go along with the 42 that are already on my schedule. I'm only partly exaggerating. The
new shows of which I'll watch at least one episode are: Heroes, The Knights of Prosperity,
Smith (Ray Liotta rules!), Jericho (has nothing to do with the wrestler Chris Jericho), The
Nine, Six Degrees, and a couple of other shows that will be mid-season replacements.
Someone please take away my TV.
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September 15, 2006
REVIEW: Gridiron Gang
"Gridiron Gang is a movie that understands who its audience
is, and it plays them like a fiddle. But you know what? I don't care. The audience absolutely loved it.
Biggest crowd reaction of any movie I've seen so far this year. They cheered when the gang got a touchdown,
they grimaced at every painful tackle, and they chanted for Johnny Betts to take his shirt off. Hey, I thought
it was a little out of place as well. But who am I to deny my fans?"
Johnny Betts reviews Gridiron Gang, starring The Rock.
Also Opening this Week
The Black Dahlia - This is one of my most anticipated films for the remainder of 2006.
Unfortunately, Memphis didn't get a screening. You know what that means? Hello, DVD!
Everyone's Hero - Despite this animated movie's misleading title, the story is not about
either Josh Brolin or Johnny Betts. The only screening was last night, and I was too busy being awesome at
softball to attend.
The Last Kiss - The only screening we got was one of those inconvenient press screenings
that takes place at 10:00 AM on a weekday. I wasn't able to get away from work to attend. And my $8 won't be
able to get away from my wallet to see this at the theater.
I liked Zach Braff's Garden State, but the trailer for this did not impress me at all.
I can only handle so many movies where a guy takes the entire runtime to figure out which girl is exactly right
for him and then performs an act of running to catch up with her and profess his love just a few minutes prior
to closing credits.
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Flyboys
Don't forget to sign up for Monday's FREE, ADVANCED screening of Flyboys.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form to claim your pass.
What: Advanced Screening of Flyboys
When: Monday, September 18th at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
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September 14, 2006
REVIEW: Trust the Man
"Let me first state that the cast is excellent. David Duchovny? Great! Funny! Mulder! Billy Crudup?
Excellent! Tremendous heterosexual chemistry with Duchovny, and he really makes you sympathize with the character.
Julianne Moore and Maggie Gyllenhaal? Not two of my favorite actresses, but they're good as well.
Everybody gives a great effort and makes you care about what will happen to the relationships.
So what's the problem, you ask?"
If you want to know the problem then you're just gonna have to read my review of
Trust the Man to find out. But it all works out because I
know you're dying to do that.
The Movie Mark Invites You to a Free Movie Screening of Flyboys
Are you anywhere near the Memphis area, and would you like to see a FREE, ADVANCED screening of Flyboys?
Well, thanks to your friends at the Movie Mark, you have the ability to do that.
CLICK RIGHT HERE and fill out the form. The first 50 people to sign up
will receive a pass. Thanks for participating.
What: Advanced Screening of Flyboys
When: Monday, September 18th at 7:30 PM
Where: Malco Paradiso in Memphis, TN
Who: You and a guest
Why: To be cool and see it before everybody else.
How Much: FREE!
The screening is this coming Monday, so please hurry and sign up. Passes will be distributed a little
differently than usual. Please read the directions for details.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Gridiron Gang.
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September 13, 2006
More Fall/Winter Previews
Ready for more Fall/Winter previews? Well, too bad. You're getting them anyway. The bulk of the movies I preview
today seem to be a little more artsy/boring and will most likely be subjected to limited releases.
Focus Features and Rogue Pictures Fall/Winter Preview
Warner Independent Fall/Winter Preview
The Sci-Fi Channel Report
Dragon Sword - You'd think that a period piece (and I use that term lightly)
starring Patrick Swayze with a 21st century haircut asking for licorice would be comedic gold, right? Well,
you'd think wrong. I lasted about 5 minutes and couldn't even force myself to fast forward through it.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must take a stand and refuse to sit through certain Sci-Fi
Originals, and Dragon Sword happened to be my time.
Click here for previous Sci-Fi Channel Reports.
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September 12, 2006
BAD MOVIE REVIEW: The Beast of Bray Road
"There's really not much to review. The Beast of Bray Road
is a low-budget werewolf movie on the Sci-Fi Channel whose werewolf consists of a dude running around in a silly
gray costume. Doesn't that pretty much review itself? Although I must say that this movie did seem to be
trying harder than your typical Sci-Fi Original. The acting is surprisingly solid. Well, contextually
speaking. I dare say that I even liked the sheriff (Jeff Denton). The man knows how to chow down on a piece
of gum, and his sarcastic, tough-guy delivery could lead to bigger dividends in his career."
Johnny reviews The Beast of Bray Road, yet another low-budget
horror offering from the Sci-Fi Channel.
On DVD This Week
Check out my DVD Preview page for ideas on what you may or may not want
to rent this week.
Coming Tomorrow
I'm gonna keep you busy tomorrow with two new Fall/Winter previews and a Sci-Fi Channel Report featuring
Patrick Swayze.
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September 11, 2006
A Strange Hate Mail
This is definitely the strangest hate mail that I've ever received. He's responding to my
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang review, and well, things get odd.
He starts off by quoting the review:
"What I like most about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is it's
so hard to 'genre-lize.' See what I did there? Add that term to the Movie Mark Dictionary. When you can't
'genre-lize' something then you can't easily force it into any one specific genre. Clever, huh?"
He obviously hasn't read much of my work; else he'd know that calling attention to my wit is sometimes part of
the joke. So he goes on to make this bizarre comment:
Just like all Jews, you just can’t help but gloating at your own snarkyness.
“Clever”? Yes. But you really didn’t need to be didactic about its meaning or intent.
Mel Gibson? I really don't know where he's coming from with the "just like all Jews" comment. I'M NOT JEWISH!
And I don't know that I've ever done anything to indicate otherwise. Wait a minute; is this because of how
well I manage my money???
The genius continues...
“See what I did there?” Yeah, stupid! We see. (Knowing of the rampant nepotism in the movie industry, it
wouldn’t surprise me to learn that you are a nephew of that other obnoxious ‘See what I mean? Do you get it?'
idiot Jew, Robert Altman.)
You are just like Harry Lockhart: You wouldn’t know how to eat unless you kept your lips flapping!
“Die!”
*ahem*
Dear Whacko,
I'm not sure what "rampant nepotism in the movie industry" has to do with a guy who runs a movie website. If I
were taking advantage of nepotism in the movie industry then chances are I wouldn't be running this site. I'd
most likely be livin' it up on a beach somewhere.
Now some people might think it a little odd that you'd demand my death just because of one comment from a silly
little review, but I'm more interested in why you put your command in quotes. Is that some sort of weird way of
speaking in the 3rd person? Perhaps you were quoting yourself? Or maybe you're just an idiot?
I have no idea why you decided to go on a little rant about Jews in your email, going so far as to accuse me of
being one. It's just odd since I'm not Jewish, and nothing in my review indicates that I am. But I guess
we're all guilty of making assumptions from time to time.
For example, based on your email I assume you're a knuckle-draggin' half-wit with a pronounced forehead whose
family most likely converses through a series of clicks and grunts and shows affection by flinging feces at
each other.
See how it feels when someone makes assumptions about you? Although, unlike your accusations, I have to admit
that mine have merit.
Nice job of providing a fake return email address, by the way. It was the biker boots that convinced you to
remain completely anonymous, wasn't it? Ah well. Here's hoping that maturity will accompany puberty. Good
luck.
jb
The Beast of Bray Road
Good news! I've got another bad movie review for ya. Coming tomorrow - my review of The Beast of Bray
Road.
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September 8, 2006
REVIEW: Hollywoodland - The Movie Where Ben Affleck Ain't Half Bad
"The lack of closure could be a sticking point for those of you who like your mysteries wrapped up with a nice
little bow on top, but I appreciated the manner in which the unanswered questions were presented. Rather than
beat us over the head with their own conclusions, the filmmakers have introduced the three most popular theories
surrounding George Reeves' death and they've given audiences just enough credible information to make up our own
minds regarding what we think happened. It should cause interesting debates amongst you and your friends as you
leave the theater."
Johnny reviews Hollywoodland, starring Adrien Brody,
Diane Lane, and Ben Affleck. It's an entertaining little murder mystery that I recommend to any of you
with an interest in the subject matter.
Allow me to send out a big ol' happy birthday to Steph! She may still look 18, but she turns 31 today.
So please stop asking me questions, officer.
The Mermaid Chair
Any Kim Basinger fans out there? If so then you'll probably be interested in her latest movie The Mermaid
Chair. It will air on Saturday, September 9th at 9pm, followed by encore presentations on Sunday, September
10 at 8PM and Monday, September 11 at 9PM on Lifetime Television. All times are ET/PT.
Here are the details:
Academy Award(r) and Golden Globe(r) Award-winning actress Kim Basinger ("L.A. Confidential," "8 Mile," "The
Door in the Floor") stars in "The Mermaid Chair," a two-hour Lifetime Original Movie event, based on the
#1 New York Times Best Seller, The Mermaid Chair, by Sue Monk Kidd.
"The Mermaid Chair" tells the haunting story of a married woman who falls in love with a Benedictine monk and
the crisis and self-awakening it ignites within her.
You can click here to watch
a commercial for the movie.
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September 7, 2006
Ceasing to Care
I was going to do a News of the Hollyweird segment today, but after perusing what the media outlets are trying
to pass off as news, I stopped, asked myself "Is this worth my time?" determined that it wasn't, and
decided to write about THAT.
John Mayer is shunning Jessica Simpson? Tom Cruise's child is making its first public appearance? Neither
Lindsay Lohan nor Cameron Diaz is engaged? Helen Mirren is considering auctioning off her Emmy shoes?
Heather Locklear and David Spade broke up? WHO CARES?!?!?! And if you do care then please tell me
why.
You know what that means, don't you? That's right - it's time for some REAL news...
Johnny Betts' Entertainment News That's Not Really Newsworthy
Justin Timberlake Disliked "King of Pop" Label, Johnny Betts Dislikes Timberlake
Memphis, TN - Upon receiving word that Justin Timberlake recently told some sort of media outlet that he once
feared Rolling Stone labeling him the new "King of Pop" would ruin his career, famed Internet celebrity and
movie reviewing genius Johnny Betts responded with, "So?"
After further being informed that Timberlake would rather be known as the "King of Sex," Betts laughed and
responded, "The guy's a boy-bander who thinks he's black and is desperately waiting for his other testicle
to drop. The only females who think he's sexy still don't have driver's licenses."
When asked to comment on Timberlake's claims that he's "bringing sexy back," the dark-haired, chisel-armed
Betts sighed, rolled his eyes, and asked, "Where did sexy go? Was it ever gone? Last I checked, Kate Beckinsale
and Jessica Biel have been around for the past few years, so I'm pretty sure sexy went nowhere. I would say that
Justin is bringing ridiculous white-man perms back, but he shaves his head now, so he can't even claim
that."
Betts' recalled his fondest memory of Timberlake when Justin appeared on MTV's Punk'd. Betts chuckled
at how quickly Timberlake lost his tough guy "black-cent" and turned back into a white boy crying for his mommy
when he thought his house was being repossessed.
Timberlake could not be reached for comment.
Coming Tomorrow - Hollywoodland
Yep, tomorrow I'll be serving up my review of Hollywoodland along with the Fall/Winter preview for
Focus Features.
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September 6, 2006
More Fall/Winter Previews
As proven by my previous Fall/Winter previews (all of which will soon be easily accessible in one convenient
location), the majority of this year's remaining movies aren't awe-inspiring. There are a handful that look
like they will be really good, but there is just way too much from the likes of Robin Williams and Jon
Heder.
Does either New Line Cinema or MGM hold more promise? Check out their previews below to find out:
New Line Cinema Fall/Winter Preview
MGM Fall/Winter Preview
Contests
I've got contests for The Wicker Man and Beerfest for you. I'll have complete info tomorrow,
but for now you can CLICK HERE and get signed up.
Tonight's Hollywoodland Screening
A couple of people have mentioned to me that they never received their passes for tonight's screening of
Hollywoodland. The only thing I can figure is that the passes got lost in the mail. I send the
names and addresses to the studio rep, and then they mail the passes out (because I ain't spending 37 cents a
pop plus the envelope to mail out 100 passes).
They're mailing out 100 passes, and they're doing this for multiple cities, so there's a chance that some slip
through the cracks. For those of you who didn't receive passes, I am sorry. Just know that it's out of my
hands and not my fault. So please don't yell at me or attack me the next time you see me. Unless it's about a
movie review you completely disagreed with (or if you're angry at me because I sometimes disobey basic
grammatical rules and end sentences with a preposition). Then you can give me your best shot.
Just be warned - I punch and kick back.
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September 5, 2006
On DVD This Week
I've only seen one of this week's main DVD releases, but I highly recommend it. Check out my
DVD Preview page for ideas on what you may or may not want to rent
this week.
A Reader's Response to my Crank Review
Apparently, Joel C. wasn't thrilled with my wildly accurate review of
Crank, and he wanted his voice heard. Take it away, Joel:
"You usually rate movies how they are and give straightforward and good reviews but, you were so off on
Crank that it was annoying to see your remarks. This movie had more
action than most movies around and had an amazing story line. Everything about this film was flawless and should
be given what it deserves. I know it's your opinion but, you are writing a review that is wrong and are causing
people who follow your recommendations to maybe miss out on what I would say was up there with Snatch and maybe
even films like Blow. More action than Speed and a better movie. Please Change your review or add this to the
bottom as a fan's email reguarding your post."
Thanks for your feedback Joe, but I won't be changing my review. That's like rewriting history.
An amazing story line? Come on, now. Jason Statham has been injected with a drug and has to keep his heart
rate up or he dies. THAT'S THE ENTIRE STORY! It's an interesting idea, but an amazing story it does NOT
make.
How exactly is my review wrong when it's accurately representing my opinion? After the movie, Mr. Shade
expressed the same thoughts as I did regarding the action. Both of us were disappointed with that aspect.
There was not a single impressive fight scene by Statham in this movie. I'm sorry, but a guy running around
for 80+ minutes may keep things moving, but it's not a substitute for great action.
To say Crank has more action than Speed tells me that you
obviously haven't seen Speed any time soon. Speed is the better movie. Plain and simple.
Crank is mindless, check-your-brain-at-the-door entertainment.
Nothing more, nothing less. In my review I did point out that it was a crowd pleaser, and that's as fair as
I can be. However, to indicate that it deserves a spot amongst the elite action movies in cinematic history
is what is wrong and misleading.
I appreciate your feedback and your support of the site. Your voice has now been heard. However, mine's still
more accurate.
Coming Tomorrow
I've got another Fall/Winter preview for you and a couple of new contests! Tune in.
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September 4, 2006
Blockbuster - Cheap DVDs!
I'm sure y'all expect an update today while you're sitting by the pool, grilling hamburgers. Fine,
I'll be nice and indulge you. Blockbuster is currently having a special where all their previously-viewed
DVDs and video games are 50% off. You can get lots of DVDs for $4 and $5. Then if you don't want to keep the
movies in your collection you can simply trade them in for $3 store credit. Not bad. It's cheaper than
renting.
The deal ends tomorrow so you might want to hurry on over there.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to Steak 'n Shake. Hey, is anyone from Steak 'n Shake reading? If so
then I'd love to be an official sponsor for you. Just give me free steak burgers and I'll promote you
all you want.
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September 1, 2006
REVIEW: Crank
"I was genuinely surprised at how few big action sequences there are. A lot of the movie just consists of
Statham running around looking for something funny to say or do. Granted, I do that frequently in public in
a desperate attempt for attention, but during the movie I sat there thinking, 'OK, so when is the REALLY cool
stuff gonna happen?'"
Johnny reviews Crank, starring Jason Statham and Amy Smart. Does
Crank deliver the action its trailer promises? Well, my quote above
is probably a giveaway, but you'll have to read my review to find out
the full details behind my highly accurate opinion.
Disney/Touchstone Fall/Winter Preview
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my Walt Disney and
Touchstone Pictures Fall/Winter Preview. The best news is that they've got The Prestige
coming out.
Still to Come Today - Crank Review
Remember, I cannot post my review of Crank until after 12:00 PM Central today. So go ahead
and read my Disney/Touchstone Pictures Fall/Winter
Preview and then check back a little later if you're interested in finding out what I thought
about Crank.
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