BREAKING NEWS - SEPTEMBER 2007
September 28, 2007
The Movie Mark Journal: Entry #14
- How many of y'all remember the Movie Mark Journal? Considering the last entry was over a year ago (September 19, 2006 to be exact), I'm
gonna take a wild guess and say not too many. I just remembered what an easy way this is to post wildly random and entertaining updates, so viva la resurrection!
- Folks, I've hit a dry spell. Well, maybe it's more of an "adjustment spell." The problem is I've let myself get sucked in the quicksand that is known as the Fall TV season. After
my softball game last night (a game which we won by the convincing score of 24-11, giving us a 7-1 record and a tie for first place), I really planned on finishing my
11 Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music list while watching the shows that were resting comfortably on the ol' DVR.
The problem is once I started watching Smallville, My Name is Earl, and The Office, I realized I couldn't pay proper attention to the shows AND write the article
like it deserved to be written. So what did I do? Closed the laptop, laid down, and watched TV. It's not the method that's going to catapult me to the top, but I think I will get
adjusted soon. The bombardment of new TV episodes always takes some getting used to, so just bear with me and we'll get over this.
- Since I decided I couldn't appropriately concentrate on the "Missed Opportunities" list, I figured I might give the Resident Evil: Extinction review a shot.
Yeah, that didn't happen either. My brain quickly went into shutdown mode, and I couldn't fight it. As for Resident Evil, I will attempt a full review later, but for now I'll just say
it was my least favorite in the series. It has moments of entertainment, but they clearly slapped this puppy in cruise control and just did their best to cover the 90-minute
runtime.
Milla Jovovich is mighty fine as always, and she's wearing some sweet biker boots with which she'd be more than welcome to kick my nicely-toned buttocks, but she just wasn't given
much to do. If you've seen a girl kick a guy in the face while doing the splits in mid-air once, you've seen it a thousand times. Not that I'd mind seeing Milla do it a
thousand times, but that in and of itself does not a good movie make. Or maybe it does. I don't know.
- If you're in the Memphis area then you might be interested to know that Randy and the Mob is opening today exclusively at the Ridgeway
4, a theater I like to affectionately refer to as the "worst theater in Memphis." I was at the screening on Tuesday which was also, unfortunately, at the
Ridgeway 4. Over 2000 passes were given away and you know how many people showed up to the screening? About 40. I was one of about three
people there under the age of 50. I felt sorry for writer/director/actor Ray McKinnon who attended and agreed to a Q&A afterward. It had to be a little disheartening for the
guy to walk into the theater and immediately assume he must have walked in on a sparsely-attended funeral instead.
The problem is that nobody wants to see a movie there. Just give it a visit sometime and observe the forlorn faces on the employees. The stale smell of death wafts in the air, matted globs
of 20-year-old grease and chocolate (and worse) linger on the seats, and despair completely surrounds you. Somebody once argued, "Oh, but it's so old and neat!" So are fossils and
my grandfather, but I wouldn't want to watch a movie on either one of those either.
As for the movie, it's cute. It started off slow, and I actually started to regret not going to the screening of The Game Plan, but things picked up by the second act and
everything went goofily haywire. The best way to describe it is "a southern-fried helping of screwball proportions!" I'm practicing for my DVD cover quotes. Not bad, eh? Ray McKinnon
(in a challenging dual role) conjures memories of Barney Fife. Got to talk to him after the screening, and he's a genuinely nice guy. He gave me some contact info so we could "talk
shop" but unless he works at "Roy's Fish and Chips" then I'm screwed.
This won't appeal to everybody, but the cane-walkin' crowd at the screening loved it and appreciated its somewhat clean material. If you want to support independent cinema then you
better hurry - it only has a one-week run at Ridgeway.
- I think I may use this journal as a way of chronicling my efforts to get my work published. I'm tired of merely reviewing other people's work. I've obviously got better
ideas and more talent than most the jack-a-dandies in Hollywood, so it's time I start making a stronger push to do something with it! What better way to keep the motivation high by holding
myself accountable to all eight of my readers?
*Johnny's handed a note*
Oh right, seven readers. I keep forgetting that my mom lost interest a couple of years ago. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I predict this idea will run out of steam in about a week
and a half, so enjoy it while it lasts.
- Upcoming Movie Screening. Be on the lookout next week for the Reservation Road sign-up. It stars Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Ruffalo, and the
always-captivating Jennifer Connelly. Mr. Shade, who is 1/4th Cherokee or Choctaw or Pueblo or something, is disappointed that the film has nothing to do with a road that runs
through an Indian reservation. Rather, it's a story of Mark Ruffalo killing Joaquin Phoenix's kid in a car accident. Phoenix then seeks some sort of retribution. Looks good, but
I recommend leaving the razor blades at home because the trailer had "wrist-slitter" written all over it. Which, in retrospect, was more than a little distracting. The text really
got in the way of what was happening on screen...
Hey, it's Friday! Cut me some slack.
- The Sci Fi Report. If you're really desperate for a way to completely waste your time then you'll be interested to know that the Sci Fi Channel is
vomiting yet another "original" this Saturday - Species 3: The Awakening. More like Species 3: The Sleepening if you ask me.
Ah, I guess someone determined there just weren't enough unnecessary three-quels out there. There are quite a few Hollywood folks that will have a wee bit o' explainin' to
do when they come face-to-face with their Maker.
- That's it, chicos y chicas. I'll be seeing Ben Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid next week. Beyond that, I make no promises. However, I really do plan on finishing the
11 Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music list. I need to put aside my perfectionist tendencies and just finish it. This morning
I was hit with the revelation that I need to change The Final Countdown with Manic Monday, and I gotta be honest with you, it provided a surprising amount of
motivation. Maybe I'll finish the list on Sunday. After all, that's my fun day.
Have a great weekend, freaks. Respect the boots, revere the Betts, and always drive it like you stole it.
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September 27, 2007
An Ice Cream Company's Top Ten List of Movie One-Liners
Boston-based Brigham's Ice Cream Co. recently conducted a survey asking people for the best one-liners in movie history. Some of these are among the most famous, but I certainly
wouldn't call them the best. Anyway, here's the list:
- "Are you talkin' to ME?" - Taxi Driver
- "Go ahead. Make my day." - Dirty Harry (I DO agree with this one)
- "Here's lookin' at you, kid." - Casablanca
- "I'll be back." - The Terminator
- "I'll have what she's having." - When Harry Met Sally
- "Life is like a box of chocolates." - Forrest Gump
- "May the force be with you." - Star Wars
- "You can't handle the truth!" - A Few Good Men
- "You had me at hello." - Jerry McGuire
- "You're gonna need a bigger boat!" - Jaws
Three things immediately come to mind:
- Why is an ice cream company I've never heard of conducting such a survey, and why should we care?
- Can we please kill the "You had me at hello" line now? It's more apt for the 10 WORST lines list.
- "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" GOT ROBBED!
Just kidding about my third point. Patrick Swayze is the master of bad one-liners. Anybody who says "ditto" when Demi Moore tells you she loves you is clearly a major tool. I'm
still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Jerry Zucker directed Ghost. Yes, Jerry Zucker of Airplane! and Naked Gun fame. Very odd.
Bury my Heart...
...at the trailer park...
Joaquin Phoenix is a nightclub owner. Mark Wahlberg is his brother. His line of work is a little different - he's a police officer. Though the two siblings haven taken decidedly
different paths in life, a near-fatal incident causes them to unite in a deadly confrontation with the mobsters who run Joaquin's club.
Check out the trailer for We Own the Night right here.
Looks good. The film opens on October 12.
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September 26, 2007
The Importance of Clarity
Ladies, I beg you, if for any reason you ever find yourself in a position to invite someone, specifically a male, to a "minstrel show," then do all you can to clarify
the spelling of it. I heard this being discussed last night and was more than just a little freaked. "What, is this some sort of show where a group of women demonstrate
that it's true they can all be on their cycle at the same time?" I thought to myself. I was disgusted. But then I realized they most likely meant MINSTREL and I was very
relieved.
Points to Ponder
A few weeks ago I was watching the "Junior Mint" episode of Seinfeld, and for whatever reason it caused me to crave the deliciously refreshing taste of that little
chocolate covered mint. So I went on a kick for about three weeks where I'd stop at Wal-Mart and pick up a box of $0.88 Jr. Mints (much better than paying the $3.50 that
the Malco Concession Cartel demands) and enjoy them during screenings.
But that got me to thinking - where are the Sr. Mints? Would they be bigger? Or past their expiration date? Perhaps they've retired? I mean, we have both Sugar Daddies
AND Sugar Babies, so doesn't reason dictate that there be Sr. Mints? We can put a man on the moon, yet questions like this are still allowed to float around unanswered.
Please let me know if you're privy to any special info.
The New and Improved Johnny Betts Comic
I have to say, some of you readers are starting to step up big time in offering your help. Trantee and now Laslo Hollyfeld are doing great jobs with the Movie Mark Original posters,
the illustrious Beth F. is bouncing ideas back and forth regarding promotion and a possible Movie Mark Graphic novel, and now Julian has drawn the following logo:
I like it. Julian has agreed to help me revamp and revitalize the old Movie Mark comic strip. I'll provide the story line, and he'll give it a little visualization. I tell you
people, world domination is not too far away.
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September 25, 2007
Opening this Week
THE GAME PLAN
Director: Andy Fickman
Stars: The Rock, Kyra Sedgwick, and Madison Pettis
Rated: PG (for some mild thematic elements)
Genre: Family/Comedy
Tagline: Joe Kingman had the perfect game plan to win the championship... but first, he has to tackle one little problem.
Length: 110 minutes
Website: The Game Plan
Studio: Buena Vista Pictures
The Plot: As he pushes his team toward the NFL championships, superstar quarterback Joe Kingman (The Rock) discovers that he has a
7-year-old daughter (Pettis) from a previous relationship. Turning to his hard-nosed agent (Sedgwick), the parentally challenged duo try to turn a serial bachelor
into a responsible father. The Rock's desperate attempt to give his career a kick ensues.
Johnny's Take: Sigh. Here we go AGAIN. Muscular action star + kids = box office gold! This formula grew old long ago, but unfortunately
it's not stopping any time soon. What is someone like Vin Diesel supposed to do when crap-on-a-stick like The Pacifier is his biggest money maker yet?
As much as I have enjoyed the Rock's movies, they just haven't raked in large amounts of money. So his agent takes a look at the aforementioned Pacifier's $100+ million
box office and advises his client to do one simple little thing - go cutesy! Everybody knows that muscle heads playing against type are absolutely adorable! Well, not to me.
There's a screening tonight, but the trailer told me all I need to know. I'm skipping it and going to the Randy and the Mob screening instead. Unfortunately, it's
at the Ridgeway 4, but at least I know I won't be subjected to watching The Rock get hit in the crotch approximately 20 times by a wide variety of small children.
Oh, and why on earth is this nearly two hours long? Goodness. A film like this deserves no more than 80 minutes. Get the kids in, give them a few chuckles, and then send
everybody home before the sugar overdose kicks in.
I like The Rock too much to risk letting this movie taint his image.
THE KINGDOM
Director: Peter Berg
Stars: Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, and Jennifer Garner
Rated: R (for intense sequences of graphic brutal violence, and for language)
Genre: Action
Tagline: An elite FBI team sent to find a killer in a hostile country
Length: 110 minutes
Website: The Kingdom
Studio: Universal Pictures
The Plot: An FBI agent (Foxx) and his team are dispatched to a formerly off-limits Middle Eastern kingdom to find those responsible for
a bombing that claimed the lives of American workers in Riyadh.
Johnny's Take: This is based on a story conceived by Michael Mann (Heat, Collateral), whatever that means. He didn't write the
script, so exactly how much of the story did he conceive? A one-paragraph plot synopsis? An outline? I have no idea, but it's enough to pique my interest.
Unfortunately, the only screening they've had here was weeks ago, and I was unable to attend.
I was told there would be another screening the week of the release, and well *checks calendar* this is the week of the release, and I've heard jack squat about
another screening. Oh well. It looks good, and early screening reviews are very positive, so I'll check out the ol' DVD one day.
"Or you could pay to see it at the theater, Johnny."
Up yours.
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September 24, 2007
The Week Ahead
It's Monday. Who feels like doing work on a Monday?
"Your mama."
In addition to not being very nice, the statement above isn't accurate either. So take your 5th grade insults to the playground, chico!
"You use 'your mama' jokes all the time, Johnny."
Oh yeah? That's not what your mama said last night.
"What's that even mean?"
I have no idea. Anyway, I saw Resident Evil: Extinction on Saturday (go ahead and have a heart attack due to the fact that I PAID to see a movie), and I'll serve up a review
sometime this week. I could have made an effort to finish the review this weekend, but since I doubt any of you will be seeing it tonight, and I know NONE of you would have appreciated
the extra effort, I decided to spend the weekend catching up on all my DVR'd episodes of Burn Notice. That's just the way I roll.
I did attempt to finish my "80s movies" list, but laziness and a desire to actually pay attention during the season finale of Burn Notice took over. It'll be done this week,
even if I have to deliver a sub-par list. Don't worry; my sub-par efforts are still at least 100% better than everybody else's best effort, so it'll be all good. Now in the interest of
letting others do the hard work for me, let's revisit a couple of old Movie Mark Originals and their brand-spanking new posters.
Movie Mark Original #10 Revisited
Some of you might recall that distinguished Movie Mark and all-around great guy, Laslo Hollyfeld, submitted his very own MMO. But considering this was two years ago, y'all might not
have a strong recollection of such happenings. Anyway, Mr. Hollyfeld has submitted a poster to accompany his original creation. Pay careful attention to the credits, particularly the
role of the cockroach. Do your homework, people.
Laslo's poster is on the left. Trantee created a poster as well, and since movies often have multiple posters, I have included his as well. It's on the right (duh). Enjoy this
blast from the past.
 
Submitted by Laslo Hollyfeld...
Title: La Cucaracha del Diablo: The Devil's Cockroach
Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Lake Bell, and James Brolin
The Plot: A greedy and powerful industrialist (Brolin, AKA Mr. Streisand, AKA Josh's less
talented father), is wiping out thousands of acres of Central American rainforest to set up a dangerous and illegal
chemical plant. The waste products from the plant contaminate the surrounding areas, and begin to affect the local
cockroach population adversely. Can our hero (Howell), a down-and-out adventurer, and a beautiful yet tough-as-nails
anthropologist (Bell), stop the terror?
The Climactic Scene: As the mutated and voracious cockroaches weave their bloody path of
destruction, Howell and Bell have trapped the giant mother roach in the chemical plant, as Brolin is trying to stop
them from exposing his evil deeds. Brolin is eaten by the giant roach in a gory and disgusting manner, allowing him a
really good death scene.
Just before blowing up the chemical plant, the giant roach, and what's left of Brolin, Howell turns to Bell, winks, and
wryly says: "Let's smoke this roach!"
In the end, we all learn a valuable moral about the evils of chemicals and the destruction of the rainforests.
Movie Mark Original #9 Revisited
Title: The Young Spiders
Tagline: Most men wanted to tame the West. He just wanted to tame some spiders.
Cast: Ty Miller
Synopsis: It's 1860, and a rugged frontiersman, Beardo (Miller), decides to start up his own
Pony Express Supply Store and Waystation. After a rash of deaths to horses and riders is tied directly to supplies
bought from Beardo's store, the magnificently bearded one must set out to prove his innocence. Amidst his research he
discovers that the deadly Banana spider was brought to his store via some supplies he had shipped to him from
Australia.
Beardo further discovers that the Banana spider has been reproducing, and her baby spiders have infiltrated his
supplies, killing the riders and horses with their deadly venom. Beardo must reluctantly entangle himself in a deadly
struggle to not only eliminate the mama spider but also to hunt down and kill all of the ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ...
young spiders. But is there more to the story? Did someone intentionally plant the Banana spider in the supplies?
Join Beardo as he gets involved in a WEB of deceit and Wild West adventure like you've never seen before!
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September 21, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: Good Luck Chuck
"Does anybody remember when Dane 'Jerry O'Connell's Doppelganger' Cook used to be funny? Yeah, those memories are starting to fade for me as well. I've heard some of his stand-up, so I
know he can be hilarious, but he is just not leading man material for a romantic comedy. He and Jessica Alba, who spends 90% of her screentime falling down and bumping into stuff,
possess zero chemistry, and you will absolutely cringe every time Cook delivers some really lame line about Alba being prettier than sunsets in Antarctica. Or some such cheese. Don't
expect to root for him to get the girl, ladies. Rather than the southern charm of Matthew McConaughey, or the five o'clock shadow vulnerability of Josh Lucas, Cook delivers the creepy
aura of a sex fiend."
Johnny reviews Good Luck Chuck, starring Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, and the unfunny Dan Fogler.
FREE SCREENING: Randy and the Mob
Here's the deal:
There is a screening of an independent film RANDY AND THE MOB on Tuesday, September 25th at the Ridgeway 4 at 7:30 PM, and you are invited to attend. Assuming you pick up a pass. How
do you get a pass? Good question. Keep reading.
The story is about a good ol' boy (Ray McKinnon) who gets into trouble with some mobsters and then must seek assistance from his estranged twin brother.
The movie (which won the Audience Award recently at the Nashville Film Festival) is written and directed by Ray McKinnon who won an Oscar in 2002 for Best Short Film, Live Action.
It's rated PG for thematic elements, mild violence, language and momentary smoking.
Here's the cool thing: McKinnon will be at the screening and will participate in a Q&A afterward. It's not very often you have a chance to ask questions of a writer/director/actor/Oscar
Winner, so take advantage.
You can pick up a Movie Mark-sponsored pass for the screening at one of two places:
Black Lodge Video
831 S Cooper St
Memphis, TN 38104
Phone: (901) 272-7744
Midtown Video
1604 Union Ave
Memphis, TN 38104
(901) 272-7000
The passes are at the locations as we speak. Feel free to call ahead to make sure they still have them. I am betting they do.
These are the two biggest independent video stores in Memphis, and they both have large selections and movies that you likely will not find at Blockbuster or Hollywood Video, so feel
free to shop around while you are there.
If anybody asks then tell them The Movie Mark sent you.
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September 20, 2007
My Celebrity Lookalikes
The celebrity comparison I hear most often is "a young John Cusack." I'll never forget the time I walked into Burger King, stepped up to the register to place
my order, and the cashier said, "Grosse Pointe Blank!" "What?" was my confused reply. "You look like John Cusack!" he responded. "Oh, that's because I'm him," I
countered. "Oh, well, what would you like to order, Mr. Cusack?" he joked along. That was 1997 - the year the comparisons first began. I've been charming and
wooing girls who like guys with innocent, boy-next-door, he'd-make-a-great-boyfriend looks ever since.
In the past my comparisons have also included Ben Affleck, Josh Groban, David Arquette, and Party of Five-era Matthew Fox, and when I was sportin' a beard
I was often told I looked like Jesus. Most recently, I've also been said to resemble Ryan Gosling.
Well, there's a site called My Heritage that lets you upload a photo and then gives you a list of your
celebrity comparisons. I uploaded the photo that is in my company's corporate directory, and the results were somewhat surprising:
That's right ladies; Memphis has its own dead ringer for Matthew McConaughey walking around. I dare not argue with something as scientifically accurate
as this.
Coming Tomorrow
My review of Good Luck Chuck. Don't worry; I promise I am finishing the "80s movies" list. I wanted to finish last night, but I kind of fell asleep
about 8:00 PM and didn't wake up until 6:30 AM. I believe my body finally got tired of being pushed to the extreme and just passed out of exhaustion.
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September 19, 2007
Steven Seagal's Memphis Connection
As many of you know, Steven Seagal is currently living in Germantown, TN. For those of you not from this area, Germantown is a suburb of Memphis. Well, I just received word from
the Hollywood Reporter that Seagal is set to star in a crappy movie called A Higher Form of Learning, an action thriller based on a screenplay he wrote.
The movie is destined to blow chunks the size of Seagal's ever-widening girth, but check out the plot synopsis: "The story centers on a detective who travels the world in pursuit
of serial killers. He finds himself in Memphis hunting two murderers while also chasing his own demons."
This initially hit my ears with a sweet sound of jubilee. Naturally, I thought this was a good indication that filming would be in Memphis. After all, Seagal is here, and
considering his current weight, it would make sense that he had no desire to move around too much. Could I possibly sneak onto the set? Maybe get a candid photo or two
of the ponytailed one?
Unfortunately, the article mentioned filming would be in Vancouver.
Dreams die hard and we watch them erode, my friends. But, like Bob Seger said, we cannot be denied the fire inside.
An Official Apology
I'd like to apologize to anyone who attended last night's screening of Good Luck Chuck via a pass they received from TMM. I had no idea the film would be as vulgar as
it was, and could have done without any association to it. If any of you readers are the parents who took your small children to the screening and didn't leave after the first
five minutes then you should be ashamed of yourselves. You shouldn't be taking your kids to an R-rated movie in the first place. But to quickly realize how bad the content is
and NOT leave, well, that's just negligent.
Movie Mark Original #8 Revisited
Title: Maximus Overdrive
Tagline: The Gladiator Who Defied an Empire ... by Time Traveling
Cast: Dolph Lundgren
Synopsis: Despite the emperor's decree that a recently discovered time travel machine is NOT
to be used, the well-known Roman Centurion - Maximus (Lundgren) - decides to defy the emperor and see what the future
has to offer. After traveling to modern times, Maximus finds himself in a beat up old Ford, traveling down a rural
road. What transpires is a journey of epic proportions where Maximus must learn a new way of life and a new way of
dealing with people. The real twist occurs when Maximus comes face to face with the fact that the things we do in life
really DO echo in eternity.
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September 18, 2007
On DVD This Week
   
DEATH PROOF - Welp, Grindhouse fizzled at the box office, so what does the Weinstein company do? They split
the movie up into two DVDs hoping to fleece audiences of more money. Oh, I'm sure somewhere down the road we'll see the extra special, super duper, elite deluxe collector's
edition that will include Death Proof, Planet Terror, and all the fake trailers, but for now they're selling them separately.
I don't know why they're releasing Death Proof first, considering it's the lesser and more boring of the two. Kurt Russell rocks, and the car chases are awesome, but be prepared to
sit through long stretches of mundane female dialogue. There are a good number of special features (an extended cut, the infamous "missing" reel, tons of featurettes), but the fake
trailers aren't included.
I'm waiting for Planet Terror. Why? Because Josh Brolin owns the screen as Doc Block, that's why!
For more details read my dual review (with the inimitable Nikki Bluejeans) of Grindhouse.
WE ARE MARSHALL - I'm a sucker for "inspired by a true story" sports movies. They're my version of a chick flick. Just read my review of
We Are Marshall and you'll notice that this doesn't really bust out the shovel and break new ground, but it handles
its familiarity with care. That sounded kinda gay, and I apologize, but you get what I'm saying.
THE CONDEMNED - My review says it all. I can't even recommend this on a "guilty pleasure" level. If you ignore my
advice and decide to rent this then it's YOUR responsibility to explain those wasted 113 minutes on judgment day.
BLOODRAYNE 2 - Rayne joins forces with Sheriff Pat Garret (Michael Paré, baby!) to take on Billy the Kid. Oh, and Billy the Kid is a vampire. I'll let
that sink for two seconds...
One Mississippi ... two Mississippi...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM not making that up! That is the actual plot of the movie. Everybody I have explained this to in person has stared at me, mouth agape, and refused to believe
it to be the truth. Folks, Uwe Boll is directing this, why is it so hard to believe? The man has to have fly DNA flowing through his body. How else do you explain how easily he's
drawn to crap?
The chances that this movie is any good are almost as low as Jim Breuer's chances of ever being funny, but the premise is so ridiculous that it's a "must rent" for me. Yep, I love
pain.
Movie Mark Original #6 Revisited
Let's give it up to Trantee for his new Pandamonium poster!
Title: Panda-monium
Tagline: They spend 10 hours a day sleeping. The other 14 are spent
eating ... HUMANS.
Cast: C. Thomas Howell, Bruce Campbell
Synopsis: With less than 1000 left living in the wild, the Giant Panda is one of the most
critically endangered species in the world. Approximately 140 pandas live in zoos and breeding centers around the
world, but most of them are in China.
In what is seen as a goodwill effort, the Chinese government authorizes a massive breeding plan to help get pandas
off the endangered list, and furthermore, they are willing to donate their pandas to zoos across the entire United
States.
Everything seems great until one day a small-town zookeeper (Howell) notices something is strange with the two pandas
that his zoo received. He starts to question his own sanity when he thinks he overhears the pandas talking in what
seems to be a Chinese dialect. He starts observing them closely and soon realizes that they are indeed talking, and
they're talking about slowly indoctrinating the United States with communist doctrine!
As Howell starts to dig deep into the history of China's new panda breeding program he comes across a startling
discovery - the Chinese are injecting pandas with human DNA and creating talking communist pandas. Matters only
get worse when the pandas decide that 20 to 40 pounds of bamboo just aren't enough to satisfy their insatiable
appetites. They quickly develop a taste for American flesh and all PANDA-MONIUM breaks out!
The U.S. government has a hard time deciding how to contain the situation. The President wants to send in the military
to rid the country of its panda problem, but he faces huge opposition from fringe animal rights groups. They claim
that the panda is still endangered, and their appetite for human flesh and their plans for spreading a communist agenda
don't justify their elimination.
The government finally decides to bring in the one man they know can solve the crisis - Bruce Campbell - a former
Navy SEAL-turned-mercenary. As he prepares to take matters into his own hands he is confronted by
the animal rights extremists who claim they won't let him proceed with his plans. He stands up slowly, removes the
cool guy toothpick from his mouth, and calmly replies, "Sorry, but I don't PANDA [pander] to special interest groups."
He winks at the camera and then embarks on his mission to save the country.
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September 17, 2007
Opening this Week
RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION
Director: Russell Mulcahy
Stars: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, and Oded Fehr
Rated: R (for strong horror violence throughout and some nudity)
Genre: Action/Horror/Sci-Fi
Tagline: Experimentation...Evolution...Extinction
Length: ??? minutes
Website: Resident Evil: Extinction
Studio: Screen Gems
The Plot: Led by the tough, sharp-minded Claire (Larter), survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to
make it to safety in Alaska. Their chances are improved when Alice (Jovovich) joins the caravan and their fight against the Umbrella Corporation. Really, all you need to
know is this is more of Milla Jovovich looking hot while kicking undead butt.
Johnny's Take: The Resident Evil movies are exactly the type of movies that movie snobs (AKA most critics) love to hate. Throw in a combination
of zombies and hot babes and the chances that it'll receive critical praise are less than those of Michael Moore turning down a second trip to the buffet. Years of debate and
philosophical tête-à-tête have surrounded the possible reasons why, with the only real conclusion being 99% of movie critics are simply scared of hot babes.
I, however, enjoyed the first two films in the series. And I'm not scared of hot babes. Just more examples of how I am not your typical movie reviewer. As long as Milla Jovovich
is on screen introducing her boots to various shapes and sizes of backside then I'm on board. Unfortunately, this one is being screened on Thursday, and as y'all know, my Thursday
evenings currently consist of me being totally awesome at softball. So, barring a rainout, I won't be attending the screening.
And neither will any of you local Movie Marks. Why? Weeeeeell, if you'll recall there's a Movie Mark-sponsored screening of Eastern Promises that night that I know everyone will
feel obligated to attend, right? Good.
But never fear, this is a film I'll actually pay to see at the theater. I'll report back as soon as I do. Well, not as soon as a I do, but not much long afterward.
GOOD LUCK CHUCK
Director: Mark Helfrich
Stars: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, and Dan Fogler
Rated: R (for sequences of strong sexual content including crude dialogue, nudity, language and some drug use)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: There's something funny about Dane.
Length: 96 minutes
Website: Good Luck Chuck
Studio: Lionsgate Films
The Plot: In order to keep the woman of his dreams (Alba) from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan (Cook) has to break the curse that has made him
wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love.
Johnny's Take: This isn't exactly what I like to refer to as "high concept." Judging by the trailers, the only thing of which I'm truly certain is that
Jessica Alba will fall down and bump her head a lot. Oh, and I do mean A LOT. The good news is that she'll at least look mighty cute doing it.
As for my expectations of the movie itself? To be honest, any movie that uses a tagline such as "There's something funny about Dane" is problematic. It could be moderately funny
though. I'll know tomorrow night.
If you signed up for the screening then I'll email your pass today. If you signed up and you don't get a pass by tonight then chances are you didn't enter your email address
correctly. If that's the case then please don't complain about it. Your inability to correctly perform menial tasks is neither my concern nor my responsibility.
SYDNEY WHITE
Director: Joe Nussbaum
Stars: Amanda Bynes
Rated: PG-13 (for some language, sexual humor and partying)
Genre: Comedy
Tagline: Freshman year is no fairy tale
Length: ??? minutes
Website: I refuse to link to a movie's website that is nothing but a Myspace page.
Studio: Universal Pictures
The Plot: A modern version of the Snow White fable, in which a legacy sorority pledge (Bynes) becomes disillusioned with her school's social
hierarchy, then bands together with seven outcasts in an attempt to shake things up.
Johnny's Take: A few weeks ago some buddies and I were sitting around trying to think of ideas we thought Hollywood really needed to try. That's
when Mr. Shade spoke up and said, "You know, I'd love to see a modern re-telling of the Snow White story. Maybe set it in college or something. That sounds like something
that'd be fresh and original and would most likely give the movie industry the edgy kick in the pants it so desperately needs."
The rest of us thought about that for a second, looked around at each other, and then stood up and beat the ever living crap out of Mr. Shade. He'll finally be released from
the hospital on Friday.
OK, so that story isn't true. You know why? Because how many people out there really think a modern version of Snow White is a good idea? When Sydney White rakes in
about $3 mill during its opening weekend hopefully Hollywood will see that the answer is "not many."
The movie's original working title was Sydney White and the Seven Dorks. Wow.
This was screened a few weeks ago, but I think I already had plans to cut my toenails that evening so I was unable to make it. I will say that I think Amanda Bynes is a cutie, but
that didn't exactly force me to tune into What I Like About You every week, now did it?
EASTERN PROMISES
Director: David Cronenberg
Stars: Viggo Mortensen, Naomi Watts, and Vincent Cassel
Rated: R (for strong brutal and bloody violence, some graphic sexuality, language and nudity)
Genre: Drama/Mystery/Thriller
Tagline: Every sin leaves a mark.
Length: 96 minutes
Website: Eastern Promises
Studio: Focus Features
The Plot: The mysterious and charismatic Russian-born Nikolai Luzhin (Mr. Mortensen) is a driver for one of London's most notorious organized
crime families of Eastern European origin. The family itself is part of the Vory V Zakone criminal brotherhood. Headed by Semyon (Academy Award nominee Armin Mueller-Stahl),
whose courtly charm as the welcoming proprietor of the plush Trans-Siberian restaurant impeccably masks a cold and brutal core, the family's fortunes are tested by Semyon's
volatile son and enforcer, Kirill (Vincent Cassel), who is more tightly bound to Nikolai than to his own father.
But Nikolai's carefully maintained existence is jarred once he crosses paths at Christmastime with Anna Khitrova (Academy Award nominee Naomi Watts), a midwife at a North
London hospital. Anna is deeply affected by the desperate situation of a young teenager who dies while giving birth to a baby. Anna resolves to try to trace the baby's
lineage and relatives. The girl's personal diary also survives her; it is written in Russian, and Anna seeks answers in it.
Johnny's Take: I trust all of you local Movie Marks will attend this screening on Thursday rather than Resident Evil: Extinction,
right? I said RIGHT?!?! I know y'all think that because I can't attend due to softball that I won't know who's there or not. Weeeeeeell, I have to warn you that I
have a spy who will have a list and will be taking names and pictures. Let's just say that consequences won't be pretty.
The movie looks interesting, and I'm trying to ignore the fact that it's directed by David Cronenberg who recently gave us the painfully overrated and sucky
A History of Violence. Please don't send me an email telling me how I "don't get" the film and explaining
your reasons why you think it's a masterpiece. You're wrong; I'm right, and there's no line below that.
The thing that I'm really not looking forward to is there will be some douchebag reviewer fighting for a coveted DVD cover quote who will say something along the lines
of, "'Eastern' delivers on it promises."
That's this week's Movie Mark guarantee.
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September 14, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: The Brave One
"This ain't your mama's vigilante flick. It's a drama involving a woman thrown into situations where she has a small timeframe to decide how to react and just
how far she's willing to go. When confronted by a couple of thugs on the subway does she have what it takes to pull the trigger and properly defend herself?
Why is she putting herself into these dangerous situations? It's almost as if she's daring trouble to approach her so that you can resolve it herself.
It's a film that gives you something to think about and discuss afterward..."
Johnny reviews The Brave One, starring Jodie Foster and Terrence Howard.
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September 13, 2007
TEASER: The 11 Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music
I haven't completed the list yet, but I wanted to give y'all just a small taste of what to expect. Here are numbers 10 and 11 on the list. I may present two more entries tomorrow (along
with my review of The Brave One). I haven't enabled commenting yet, but don't worry; I'll set up that capability once I've finished the list - something I plan on doing over the
weekend.
Consider this the equivalent of a movie trailer - a small taste, a teaser if you will, of what's to come. Click on the link below and enjoy...
The Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music
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September 12, 2007
Movie Mark Original #5 Revisited
I was busy working on my fake 80s movies list last night, so I didn't have time to put together anything else original. You know what that means, right? Perfect
time for revisiting an MMO and its brand new poster! Man, how hot does KaDee Strickland look in this picture? Now I really do want to see the movie made!
Thanks again to Trantee.
I've gotta give Tigerjeb props for helping with this one. The title and basic premise came from him, and I'm fleshing it
out.
Title: Komodeo Dragon aka Commodeo Dragon
Tagline: All he ever wanted to be was a peaceful pet ... until
he became FLUSH with anger!
Cast: Corbin Bernsen, KaDee Strickland
Synopsis: Bill Jerkster (Bernsen) has always wanted to be a good father. The fact that he's
a raging alcoholic causes him to do things that typically cancel out any of the positive strides he makes. Things seemed
to be on the right path when he bought his son the baby lizard that he always wanted. But everything changes when, in an
alcoholic fit of rage, Bill flushes his son's lizard down the toilet.
Unbeknownst to Bill, the entire town of Chemville is about to be changed. Bill lives near Chemicals R Us - known
affectionately as "The McDonald's of Chemical Plants" - in Louisiana. After the lizard survives a harrowing trip through
the sewers that are located under Chemicals R Us, it begins to mutate into a human-sized dragon - what will come to be
known as ... DUHN DUHN DUHN ... THE COMMODEO DRAGON!
The Commodeo Dragon develops an insatiable appetite - for both humans and revenge. Intent on finding the man who
flushed him down the toilet and ruined his dream of being a child's pet, the Commodeo Dragon lives in the sewers and
feeds on people as they sit on the toilet. Unfortunately, the Commodeo Dragon is not good with directions, so he
can't remember which pipes will take him directly to Bill's house. He has no choice but to leave a slew (or is that
a SLOO, BWAHAHAHAHAHA!) of victims in his wake until he reaches his goal.
Can Bill sober up long enough to defeat the dragon and save the town, or will his addiction be the death of him?
KaDee Strickland co-stars as Bill's wife and has a really thick Louisiana accent. I predict she'll steal the movie
when Bill has a monstrous fight scene in the bathroom with the dragon and she deadpans, "Hey Bill, quit farting around
in there and close the lid on the Commodeo once and for all!"
Also, there'll be a scene where Ms. Strickland pulls out a shotgun, confronts the dragon, replies, "This is for
leaving the seat up!" and then opens fire. I won't reveal what happens though!
Movie Mark Original - Commodeo Dragon Revisited
I thought it'd be perfect if we brought Michael Paré in for a cameo. If you've ever read a Michael Paré
interview (and I seriously doubt that), then you know he has a strange penchant for putting more value into his
post-1984 movies than they deserve. Don't believe me? Well let me use an example. Have you ever seen Deadly
Heroes? Yeah, I didn't think so. If you had, then you'd know a more appropriate title would be Deadly
Boring. Anyway, Mr. Paré actually had the frijoles to compare this movie to Speed. Everybody
remembers the bus chase in Speed, right? Here's Mr. Paré's take:
"They would take 2 months to do that chasing the bus stuff. We did it in two weeks."
I've seen the bus chase in Deadly Boring, and believe me; you can definitely tell not much time was spent on
it. But what you have to love about Michael is the fact that he keeps going out there, poopin' out bad movies, and
then acting like he's produced an Oscar winner that we should all be grateful for. I can't slag him for his
enthusiasm. And as a result, I figured he'd be a great spokesman for Commodeo Dragon.
Here's the deal: Paré would be somewhere in the beginning of the movie. After the Commodeo mutates, its first
destination is Michael's house. After a particularly rough meal at Taco Bell, Michael begins to feel something
a' churnin' in the ol' digestive tract. Not feeling so well, he tells his wife, "Hey honey, I'll be back shortly.
I'm gonna go make another movie." He'd then look in the camera, wink, and head to the bathroom.
Paré would then proceed to become Commodeo's first victim, and he'd hit all the REALLY late night talk shows
comparing the role to Janet Leigh's in Psycho. I can hear him now, "You know Janet Leigh's role in
Psycho? It took Hitchcock like 20-something minutes before he killed her off. But Johnny Betts had
my character killed off within about 2 or 3 minutes. He said he felt it was best that I have as little screen
time as possible. It'd provide more shock value is how he explained it to me. I told him I'd be happy to do
more, but he quickly said something about 'quality over quantity' and was kind enough to get the security
guards to escort me to the door. I guess he didn't want me getting lost. They were nice guys."
Folks, it's only a matter of time before Sci Fi realizes that this has gold written all over it.
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September 11, 2007
Screenvision Boy Must Be Stopped
Y'all know what Screenvision is, right? They're
responsible for the "Digital Previews" that we're now forced to endure while waiting for the movie to start. They're painful to sit through. They start off
with this douche named Bradford How introducing various segments. He's the kind of guy you look at and immediately want to punch. Come on, his name is Bradford
How! I'm surprised it's not Bradford How the Third.
You look at him and everything about him just screams "I used to walk the halls of my prep school wearing a turtle neck and a sweater tied around my waist!
In fact, I still do!" You know what's worse? He's Canadian.
The annoying videos by crappy bands like The Benefits (whatever) are bad enough, but recently they've been showing a segment called "Man in the Seats." This
segment consists of How taking some movie seats to the streets and proceeding to act like a big tool. The most recent one showcased him accosting people and
asking, "If Jennifer Lopez is J. Lo then what's that make Lindsay Lohan?" When the idiots he is asking fail to get the joke, he has to point out that it's
L. Lo and then totally oversells it by holding a fake phone to his ear and saying, "'Ello? 'Ello!" This goes on for a brutal five minutes or so.
Welp, I can't take it anymore. Honestly, this makes me want to hurry up and drink a large coke so I can be forced to go to the bathroom. I'd rather stare at
a blank screen than watch any more of these "man in the seats" segments. Asking people to mimic their favorite action scenes just isn't funny. You know why?
Most people simply aren't funny. All you have to do is sit through an episode of Last Comic Standing (good luck with that) to see what passes for
"humor" these days. Those guys are being paid to not make us laugh, how bad do you think it is when regular 'rons from the street are trying too hard
to make people laugh?
Bradford How - you're going down. Your Screenvision ads must be stopped, and my size 11 biker boots and I are just the ones to do it. The last time so much joy
was sucked from my soul was when I sat through Date Movie. I refuse to let my movie experience continue to be
ruined by your Canadian mug.
I know good and well that Bradford will likely see this post. If you do a Google search for Bradford How and Screenvision you'll only get four results. So it
looks like I'm the first to officially take a stance on this. Let that be proof of just how cutting-edge and envelope-pushing TMM truly is.
MOVIE SCREENING: Good Luck Chuck
Who here thinks Jessica Alba is hot? Ma'am, you can put your hand down now. Anyway, some you might have heard of her upcoming film with Dane Cook called
Good Luck Chuck. Here's the plot summary:
It all started when Charlie Logan was ten years old. Breaking the cardinal rules of spin-the-bottle, Charlie refused to lip-lock with a demented Goth girl -
and she put a hex on him. Now, twenty-five years later, Charlie is a successful dentist ... and still cursed. While his plastic surgeon best friend, Stu,
pursues as many of his patients as possible, Charlie can't seem to find the right girl. Even worse, he discovers at an ex-girlfriend's wedding that every woman
he's ever been with has found true love - with the next guy after him. Before he knows it, Charlie's reputation as a "good luck charm" has women - from sexy
strangers to his overweight receptionist - lining up. Ah, but good ol' Charlie is tired of a lonely life without love. Then he meets Cam. An accident-prone penguin
specialist, Cam is as hard-to-get as she is beautiful. But when a genuine romance develops, Charlie realizes he's got to find a way to break his good-luck
curse ... before the girl of his dreams winds up with the next guy she meets.
Apparently, it's a psychological thriller. Kidding, of course. This screening is a little different than most. Why, you ask? Excellent question. The reason
is that I'll be emailing the passes to those of you who are interested. Here are the screening details:
Tuesday, September 18
7:30 PM
Malco Paradiso Theater
Bring a gift for Johnny
That last detail is at the studio's request, and hey, I just play ball. I don't try to change their rules. The first 100 people to request a pass will get one.
You will be receiving your pass via EMAIL, so it's very important that you enter the correct email address. One pass per email address please. We're gonna have
to go by the honor code on this one, so please don't print out 10 passes and give them out to all your friends. I'm sure some of you will ignore this and do it
anyway, and well, I'll find out who you are, and let's just say I'll be wearing the size 11s at the screening, got it? Good.
Click here.
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September 10, 2007
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Shia LaBeouf, the man with one of the most annoying names to pronounce correctly, announced Sunday night at the MTV Video Music Awards that the official title
for Indiana Jones 4 will be Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So what does this tell us about the plot? I'd surmise that
there's a country out there somewhere, a kingdom if you will, and within that country's boundaries there is a skull (made of crystal, no doubt) that Indy and
his son must find.
Or I could be totally off-base and "the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" could be the name of a miniature golf place that Indy frequents in his retirement. I neither
love nor hate the name. Subtitles do very little for me. All I care about is the final product. Granted, if the film had been titled, Indiana Jones and
the Kingdom of the Ironcast Depends then my expectations might have been lowered, but for now, I'm looking forward to a trailer.
Bury My Heart...
...at the trailer park...
I've had my reservations regarding the upcoming Iron Man, especially concerning Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Sure, the man's a good actor, but is
he really superhero material? Welp, I have to admit that the recently released trailer
has provided a glimmer of hope. Looks to be a good mix of action and Downey's specialized brand of dry humor.
Check it out.
The film is set for a May 2, 2008 release.
3:10 to Yuma takes the Train to Box Office Successville
That's right; thanks to the strength of my review, 3:10 to Yuma was able to capture the weekend box office crown
with an impressive $14.1 million. That total may not look blinding hot, but keep in mind that Westerns generally don't fair well at the box office. Why?
Because most moviegoers don't have great taste. Also, keep in mind that historically the weekend after Labor Day is not a big one for the box office.
Yuma tallied the highest-grossing non-horror opening ever for that weekend.
Can you believe this is actually the third best opening for a Western in the last 20 years? It's only behind Maverick (1990 - $17.2M, whose status as a
Western is debatable, if you ask me) and Unforgiven (1992 - $15M). Good word of mouth and a less-than-impressive upcoming movie schedule should help
Yuma in the weeks to come.
If you haven't seen it yet then quit wasting your time and follow the advice of my review. What are you doing, saving
your money for Mr. Woodcock? Please.
Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music List
Oh, it's coming. The question is are you ready?
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September 7, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW: 3:10 to Yuma
"As of this writing, I've already seen it twice, and I enjoyed it even more the second time. It's not often a movie gives me goosebumps. It's extremely rare for
a film to give me goosebumps a second time, during the same scenes, when I already know what's going to happen. My first viewing was filled with anticipation. The
second consisted mostly of appreciation. I suggest you see it once for the story then see it again to catch the details."
Johnny reviews 3:10 to Yuma, starring Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, Ben Foster, Peter Fonda, and Gretchen Mol.
MOVIE REVIEW: Shoot 'Em Up
"It's another love-it-or-hate-it affair, mi amigos. The music is loud, the bullets are fast, the action is gratuitously over-the-top, and the one-liners are
intentionally cheesy but still ridiculously lame. Come on, Clive Owen shoves a carrot through a dude's neck and then deadpans, 'Eat your vegetables.' I know
we're not supposed to take such lines seriously, but I didn't appreciate their delivery. There wasn't enough conviction to induce the intended laughter. I
merely responded with a shake of the head and a roll of the eye."
Johnny reviews Shoot 'Em Up, starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci.
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September 6, 2007
Imperioli Stunned by Pipe Bomb Blast, Betts Stunned by Imperioli's Unibrow
According to IMDb, former star of The Sopranos Michael Imperioli was "completely baffled" following a pipe bomb explosion outside his New York theatre - Studio Dante.
The explosion occurred at approximately 1:00 AM, and Imperioli told police that he knew absolutely nothing about the bomb or any possible motivations as to
why someone may have detonated it. No one was injured in the explosion.
That's good to hear, but you know what completely baffles me? The fact that Imperioli still has a unibrow. Dude, you're an actor. You've got money. There's a little
invention known as a razor. Sure, you're no Josh Brolin, but you can certainly afford a 10-pack of Bics. So here's what you do - run down to Wal-mart, purchase
the razors, get home, and CUT THAT FREAKIN' CATERPILLAR IN TWO!
Does ANYBODY find a unibrow attractive? No, I don't think so.
Just a note to all my readers - if you're sportin' a single eyebrow, then you also need to shave that sucker. Perhaps your mama or best friends are too afraid to
tell you this, but I'm not. A unibrow immediately makes ANYBODY less attractive. Don't believe me? Then just take a look at Salma Hayek in Frida. She's one
of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, but the pictures of her as Frida make me gag a little.
I think I may start a "Unibrow Awareness" campaign. Seriously, I can't believe in this day and age there are still people who insist on walking around with that
thing plastered to their forehead. WHY?!?!?! SHAVE IT ALREADY! Goodness.
Spears Cleared of Child Abuse, However "Skanky Ho" Charges Stick
Britney Spears has been under investigation by the Los Angeles County Department of Child and Family Services after an anonymous complaint was filed in July, alleging
Spears' children had poor dental hygiene and bad eating and sleeping habits. The court has cleared Britney of all charges stating that rather than a child abuser, she
was simply "just white trash, which specifically is not a crime." The court went on to add, "Though it's apparent Ms. Spears is indeed a skanky ho, that in and of itself does
not constitute child abuse."
Britney's toils and troubles are not completely over, however. Ex-husband, and fellow white trash connoisseur, Kevin Federline (AKA K-Fed) is still seeking full custody
of their two children. Should he receive it, the implication will be that he is the better parent between the two. Experts argue that a label such as "worse parent
than Kevin Federline" will carry far graver ramifications than that of "child abuser." More as the story develops...
JOHNNY'S NOTE: Some quotes may have been exaggerated for entertainment purposes and should not be assumed as attributed to any specific person or party.
Coming Tomorrow
Reviews of 3:10 to Yuma (awesome movie) and Shoot 'Em Up (so-so). I haven't forgotten about my "Biggest Missed Opportunities in '80s Movies Using '80s Music"
list. It's a short week, I've got TWO movies to review, and I've gotten home after 11:00 twice this week. So look for the list next week. I don't like to rush
masterpieces.
"What about mediocre, marginally funny lists that nobody cares about anyway?"
I don't like to rush those either.
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September 5, 2007
Sharks of Venice
I like Stephen Baldwin. I really do. I first became acquainted with the man's presence when he was a young Buffalo Bill Cody on The Young Riders, and I
watched his career with promise as he delivered an excellent performance in The Usual Suspects - one of my favorite movies of the 90s. The guy's career
was on the fast track. Things were moving so quickly, in fact, that he even enjoyed the luxury of turning down the lead role of "Jack" in Speed.
Then Bio-Dome happened. Why, oh why, did Stephen agree to do a crappy movie with Pauly Shore? Well, I've been reading his book The Unusual Suspect,
and he makes no bones about it - he was friends with Pauly Shore, they offered him a lot of money, and he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, no matter what the
career implications were.
Everybody close to him told him not to do the movie - his agent, his publicists, his family. Older brother Alec even told him it could be a career-killing
decision. But did he care? Nope. Like he said, he didn't want to play by Hollywood's rules. He wanted to play by his own. He wasn't concerned with being the
next Brad Pitt, he just wanted to have fun and make a ton of money. That's also how he justifies accepting the role of Barney Rubble in the Flintstones sequel.
They offered him $2 million, and how could he turn down a chance to, in a single movie, make 8 times more than his father's yearly salary as a teacher?
As they say, the rest is history. Now he's starring in really bad Sci Fi Originals. He recognizes that Bio-Dome didn't help his career, and he has no regrets
about it. I respect that he sees it all as part of God's plan for his life and, therefore, he's fine with it. Also, in his book he states that he prays carefully
about which movie and TV roles to accept. Apparently, he was offered the part of Jennifer Garner's love interest in Alias, but he turned it down because he
says after he prayed about it he didn't feel led to accept the role. I respect that as well, and I certainly don't knock his decision. That's between he and God.
It was a role that could have provided some career resurgence, but it was his decision to make, and if he and his wife were comfortable in that decision then I am
certainly in no position to criticize.
But I am curious, and I have to tread lightly here because I don't want to make light of the subject, I simply want to understand - how hard is he praying before
signing the contract for stuff like Dark Storm? Come on, Stevie B, methinks there's been a communication problem.
Stephen seems to be the kind of guy who doesn't take things personally, so I think he'd laugh if I asked him this face-to-face. But that brings us to today's
subject...
Sharks in Venice.
I frequently check Stephen's IMDb page to see what's on the horizon, hoping he'll stop taking some of the more ridiculous offers. Welp, yesterday I noticed a
brand new movie on his resume - Sharks in Venice. "Hmm," I thought quietly to myself, "maybe, just maybe, this is some sort of film about the Italian
mafia. The 'sharks' are the mobsters. That's somewhat clever, and if handled by the right people then this could be a good thing for Stephen."
Unfortunately, further research revealed that this is from Nu Image - the studio that gave us the horrendous Shark Attack movies, including the universal
joke that is known as Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. If you want to know what to expect then read my review of Hammerhead:
Shark Frenzy.
So this is a movie about sharks attacking Venice. Oh well. I should have known. Here's hoping it'll be as cheese-tacular as it has the potential to be.
On DVD This Week
You can rent Georgia Rule (which I was told craptastic) or The Wind That Shakes the Barley (could be good, but the title is a little gay) if you
want, but me? I'm thinking about picking up Yoga Booty Ballet: A.M. Latte/Goddess Abs. Because let's face it, we can all use an invigorating workout that's
hailed as the perfect way to wake you up and boost your metabolism. Just look at the DVD cover above!
I have no idea why the women are throwing down with some jazz hands, but who am I to question the power of the Booty Ballet?
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September 4, 2007
FREE SCREENING: Eastern Promises
When: Thursday, September 20
Where: Malco Paradiso 7:30 PM
Who: You and your mama
Why: To take advantage of Johnny Betts and the Movie Mark, never bothering to return the favor.
How Much: $100 - cash only.
I'm curious to see how closely y'all read the fine print. Click here to sign up.
"Where?"
HERE! Sheesh.
George Clooney Acts a Little Douche-y
All right, so we all know that George Clooney walks around everyday looking like a total douchebag. He can't help it. It's just who he is. You just know
he was the guy in high school who strutted through the halls sporting a "look at me, I'm George Clooney" t-shirt. But why must he always act like
one as well?
A reporter at a Venice Film Festival press conference asked him about doing TV ads for Nestle coffee. Clooney got mad and lashed out, "I'm not going to
apologize to you for trying to make a living every once in a while. I find that an irritating question."
Yeah? Well, I find your smug, toolish face very irritating, George. Trying to make a living? That's your justification? Lame. You make millions of
dollars per crappy movie. I'm not defending the journalist, because I'm sure he's a pun-loving jack-a-dandy himself, but loosen up and try a sense of
humor every now and then.
Where's Russell Crowe when you need him? I love when he totally called Clooney out a few years back. Clooney tried to strike
back, making a snide comment about Russell's music, but Crowe responded, "I had a good laugh when Clooney tried to compare doing ads for suits, and a
car and a drink to what I do as a musician. An endorsement is about money. My music is from the heart."
He also ripped Clooney for his inability to play anyone other than himself, claiming, "The job is to take on other characters, otherwise you could just
call every character you play the same name. What's the character in this film, George? George, is it? George plays George in the new movie, George."
"I believe if you take on characters for a living, you can't make yourself into an icon in order to sell a pair of shoes."
It's so true. And that, my friends, is why Russell Crowe rules.
Movie Mark Original #4 Revisited
Remember this one? The "Bananacondas" name is still very dear to my heart, and I think if we could catch Harrison Ford at exactly the wrong time (when he's
stumbling drunk out of a bar) then we might have a shot at getting his signature on the contract. Fingers crossed, loyal readers. Fingers crossed.
Due to the low budget, paying his salary might prove troublesome. I feel it'll be imperative to use the Star Wars Christmas Special as some form of
blackmail.
Title: Bananacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Red Banana in October
Tagline: They're back, and this time they're hungry ... FOR BANANAS!
Cast: Harrison Ford, my friends and family (if I get Ford I doubt the
budget could afford anybody else)
Synopsis: While on a search for the secret to eternal life, a group of scientists discover a
rare, Indonesian banana that holds the secrets they've been looking for. Plus, for some reason it only grows in
October. Danger arises when they realize they are surrounded by anacondas that are eating these things and living
forever. Yes, these aren't just regular anacondas ... they're ... BANANACONDAS!
A gruff, scruffy-looking former CIA Analyst (Ford) decides to quit the department for good when he's replaced with a
younger man, despite the fact that the youthful daredevil had yet to show any sort of clout (COUGH*boxofficethatis*HACK).
Ford moves to the Indonesian jungle to serve as a guide for tourists. When the scientists approach him about leading
them on the search for the Indonesian banana, the money is just too good to pass up. But once the expedition starts to
get more complicated than expected, causing the scientists to whine and complain, all Ford can do is respond with,
"Traveling through Borneo ain't like dusting crops, boy," while looking into the camera and winking.
What ensues is one harrowing chase scene after another, all followed by repackaged Harrison Ford lines such as,
"Well, you can forget your troubles with those Amazon snakes. I told you I'd outrun 'em." Then after nobody responds
he can deadpan, "Don't everyone thank me at once."
The possibilities are absolutely endless, and though I'm reluctant to label anything as *too perfect* I have to admit
I'm slightly tempted to do so in this case.
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