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Movie Review - Alien Express (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Turi Meyer |
| Starring: |
Lou Diamond Phillips, Todd Bridges, Barry Corbin, nobody else you've heard of |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
America's newest bullet train just got on the fast track to disaster. |
| Studio: |
Sci Fi Pictures |
| Website: |
Alien Express |
| Release: |
Sometime in August, 2005 |
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PLOT
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Barry Corbin is running for President, and he's on a new super train heading to Las Vegas for a campaign stop.
A meteorite crashes into a car near the tracks, causing the train to stop and survey the damage. Corbin doesn't
have time for this nonsense and insists that the train move along. Move along it does, but Lou Diamond Phillips,
a cop called to the scene, decides to find a way onto the train to see if this is more than just a meteorite.
Of course it is; aliens are involved! And to make matters worse, there's a terrorist on the train! Do I really
have to tell you that another really bad Sci Fi Original movie ensues?
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Does anybody remember when Lou Diamond Phillips was cool? No? Well, that's understandable considering the fact
that it was over 15 years ago. If you've ever wondered what La Bamba was doing these days, well, Alien
Express provides us with an answer of, "Anything to collect a paycheck."
"Are you saying Alien Express is a bad movie, Johnny?"
Um, did you not see Todd Bridges' name in the credits? There is plenty for me to make fun of here, but
before I go any further I just have to draw attention to one thing. Once La Bamba is on the train he makes contact
with a woman at some sort of train switchboard. She informs him that there's another train on the tracks that is
carrying explosives of some sort. Yes, I know I used "some sort" twice in this paragraph. Deal with it. I'm not
wasting any fancy words and phrasing on a movie of this caliber. Anyway, here is their actual conversation, word
for word:
Chick: Train A is moving at 70 mph in one direction. And train B is moving at 15 mph in
the same direction. And trains A and B are currently 100 miles apart, then...
La Bamba: How long before train A demolishes train B at point C killing everyone on
board?
OK, so this is a little cheesy. I shook my head and chuckled, but I thought, "Well, maybe this at least an attempt
to appear smart." But then the chick responded with her answer...
Chick: You have 58 minutes.
*stares blankly at the computer monitor and let's out a Tim Allen-esque "Huuuuuuuuuuuuh?"*
Folks, this is quite simply one of the most inexplicable things I've witnessed in a movie. Ever. They're 100 miles
apart and train A is only going 70 mph. Even if train B was standing still there's NO WAY TRAIN A WOULD REACH IT IN
58 MINUTES!!!!! Who was behind this math? Do the writers not understand what "miles per hour" means? Hey writers,
I'll type this really slowly so that you can try to understand...
If a train is going 70 miles per hour then that means after an hour has passed it will have gone 70 miles.
Comprende (oops, I doubt you know what that means)? Furthermore, there are 60 minutes in an hour. Thus, if the
train has 100 miles to cover it IS IMPOSSIBLE TO COVER IT IN 58 MINUTES! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! My
goodness, you could've just found a real Algebra problem on the Internet in a couple of minutes and plugged
that into the movie. I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS!
I know that there about 100 nits to pick in this turd of a movie, but this is the biggest nit of 'em all. This nit
is wearing a shirt that has "pick me" written on the back. There's just no excuse for this. I don't know if my
intelligence has ever been this insulted by a movie. If I ever meet Lou Diamond Phillips then I'm going to straight
up ask him to try to explain this. Hey Chavez, here's a formula for you:
If the Lou Diamond Phillips career train is "starring" in one bad movie going crap miles per hour, and Todd Bridges
is "starring" in the same bad movie also going crap miles per hour, then how long before the Lou Diamond Phillips
career train veers off track and explodes in a fiery mess? The answer? Ah, it's a trick question. It's already
happened and that career train is now extra crispy.
What else can you expect from this stench-fest? Oh, just about every bad movie cliché you can think of. Naturally,
La Bamba is a cop who doesn't follow the rules and punches out the Captain when he disagrees with him. I'm sure
someone on the writing staff must've thought it'd sound really cool if Mr. Rogue Cop would spit out lines like,
"Then young lady, we've got a whole lot of unlikely," but all I could do was shake my head and resist the temptation
to stop watching.
I dare you to not say, "Whatchoo talkin' bout, Senator?" whenever Todd Bridges is on screen. Well, I'd have to dare
you to watch this movie first, but I'm not that mean. I just want to know that at what point in the process of
making this movie did somebody stop and think, "Hey, you know, Todd Bridges would make a good secret service
agent!" I could understand if it was a tongue-in-cheek casting decision, but the movie takes itself too seriously
for me to expect that's the case.
I will give ol' Willis credit - he reels off a couple of horrendous one-liners. During one scene when he's fighting
the fake-looking puppet aliens with a makeshift blowtorch in the kitchen area of the train, he yells out, "You can't
stand the heat, get out da kitchen!" And then right before he throws a Molotov cocktail at the hand puppets he
yells, "How bout a cocktail, you ugly SUCKAS!"
Oh, you think I'm kidding about how bad the aliens in the movie look? With $10 and a trip to Wal-mart I could
make better props. Seriously, they look like baby alligator hand puppets. If that's the best the aliens have
to offer then bring 'em on.
I could go on and on about Barry Corbin's toupee looking worse than William Shatner's, about the fake fire, the
fake explosions, the continual usage of stock footage, the inanity of using a stun gun to defeat aliens, the
across-the-board bad acting, the implausibility of the train stopping on a dime, and the ridiculous "sub plot"
involving La Bamba being on the track team in college and how that ends up saving his life, but I'd end up writing
a book if I tried to cover every thing.
I did indeed laugh at a lot of the unintentional humor, but things aren't quite as funny when you stop and realize
that quite a bit of money is being spent on movies like this. Who on earth does this movie benefit? It certainly
won't help anybody's career, and it most definitely won't enrich or enlighten the lives of anybody who watches it,
so what was the point? There are charities out there that could've found better ways to use the money that was
put behind this toilet log.
And to add insult to injury the ending leaves room for a sequel. I seriously want to cry right now.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Lou Diamond Phillips needs a new agent.
- The working title was Dead Rail. Crap by any other name...
- Lou Diamond Phillips was in Wolf Lake with Graham Greene who was on an episode of Mister Sterling
with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Since this debuted on the Sci Fi Channel the content isn't really that bad. There's some made-for-TV gore and
slime but nothing out of the ordinary.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I saw commercials for this and immediately thought, "Oh man, that looks horrible! That's one I definitely have
to make fun of." At no stage in the game could this be mistaken for a good movie.
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THE GIST
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Alien Express is a ridiculously stupid movie that should only be watched by a group of friends in the mood
to make fun of a really bad movie. Make sure someone in the group knows how to use the fast forward button.
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