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Movie Review - The Beast of Bray Road (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Leigh Slawner |
| Starring: |
Jeff Denton, Thomas Downey, and Sarah Lieving |
| Rated: |
R (for strong horror violence and gore, language and some sexual content) |
| Length: |
85 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/B Movie |
| Tagline: |
None. |
| Studio: |
The Asylum |
| Release: |
September 1, 2005 |
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PLOT
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A local sheriff must put his doubts aside and recognize that a string of gruesome deaths, deaths involving
dismemberment and disembowelment, might actually be the work of a werewolf on the loose. Low budget werewolf
shenanigans ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Based on a true story? That little title card preceding the opening credits is probably the funniest thing in
the entire film. Sure, there really is a legend regarding the "beast of Bray Road" where some loonies in
Wisconsin claim they've seen a "werewolf-like creature" roaming around, but there are no reports of said
werewolf-like creature ripping people's legs clean off. But I'm pretty sure this isn't an issue that should cause
me to dwell.
There's really not much to review. It's a low-budget werewolf movie on the Sci-Fi Channel whose werewolf consists
of a dude running around in a silly gray costume. Doesn't that pretty much review itself? Although I must say
that this movie did seem to be trying harder than your typical Sci-Fi Original. The acting is surprisingly solid.
Well, contextually speaking. I dare say that I even liked the sheriff (Jeff Denton). The man knows how to chow
down on a piece of gum, and his sarcastic, tough-guy delivery could lead to bigger dividends in his career.
Do I recommend this to audiences nationwide? Not unless I want to suffer the wrath of little old women yelling at me
and asking how in the world I could recommend this. You need to already possess a love for B-movie horror flicks to
get any value out of it. And this had enough cheesy laughs to keep my interest. But once again, I'm afraid
this film tried a little bit harder than it should have. I wanted more bad puns and cheesier one-liners.
Come on in and pull up a seat, Sci-Fi Channel. Get your pen and paper ready because you're about to be
schooled. Here's how this bad boy should have really swung for the fences...
Picture the scene. A group of teenagers has wondered into the woods. They eventually get lost and decide to
make camp and start a fire. They sit around roasting marshmallows and sharing stories they've heard about
the beast of Bray Road. All of a sudden they hear rustling in the woods. One girl begins to panic and screams,
"Where are we?!?!?!"
From out of nowhere, Billy Vera shows up, removes a cigar from his mouth, looks into the camera and deadpans,
"Somewhere between lycanthrope and love." The kids stare incredulously at him as he disappears into the night
just as quickly as he arrived.
One of the kids would then speak up and exclaim, "Well don't that just BEAT all!" After pausing a second, the
entire group would burst into laughter, effectively breaking the tension. Then the werewolf would show up and
rip off everybody's arms and legs. Check the Odds & Ends section if this joke makes no sense to you.
Then later in the movie, during a climactic standoff with the werewolf, the sheriff would show up and calmly
reply, "Someone call Bob Seger because his Silver Bullet Band has come to play." He'd then pull out a huge
machine gun loaded with silver bullets and introduce the werewolf to his demise.
Welp, that's about all I have to add. It's obvious that the filmmakers and actors didn't have a lot to work with,
but they gave it all they could I suppose. Is it in the top pantheon of werewolf movies? Of course not. But it
manages to be better than Cursed, and that slice of poop pie had
Wes Craven's name and a $35 million budget behind it.
Take that for what it's worth. Sure, it's not worth purchasing for $19.99 on DVD, but for free on TV with your
Mystery Science Theater-loving friends? Sure, why not?
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Billy Vera and his band the Beaters had a huge hit in 1981 with At this Moment. My mom had the LP and
drove me crazy because she'd listen to that song over and over and over. It's been making ladies swoon for 25
years. It really took off when it was used on an episode of Family Ties.
- The Billy Vera and the Beaters hit that inspired my joke is Between Like and Love.
- For those of you not in the know, a lycanthrope is the "scientific" name for werewolf.
- Bob Seger's band is called "the Silver Bullet Band."
- Seger used to sport enough hair to possibly be confused with a werewolf.
- Jeff Denton was in King of the Lost World with Bruce Boxleitner who was in Tron with Jeff Bridges
who was in Wild Bill with David Arquette who was in The Road Killers with Josh Brolin who was in
Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Other than a good amount of blood and severed limbs, the Sci-Fi channel version of the film is fairly tame.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If there's a trailer out there for this then you're more than welcome to search for it.
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THE GIST
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If you like your B-movie horror served with a side of tongue-in-cheek and you know what to expect whenever you let
your TV rest on the Sci-Fi Channel then you and your buddies and a large pizza might have a little fun.
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