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Movie Review - Blonde and Blonder (2008)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Dean Hamilton |
| Starring: |
Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, and Emmanuelle Vaugier |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for crude and sexual material, including suggestive dialogue) |
| Length: |
95 minutes |
| Genre: |
"Comedy" |
| Tagline: |
None. |
| Studio: |
First Look Pictures |
| Website: |
Couldn't find one. Looked for about two seconds. |
| Release: |
Who cares? |
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PLOT
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Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards play two dumb blondes who attempt to learn how to fly but are mistaken for mobsters instead. You want a plot summary? Well there ya
go. If that's what you like to refer to as a plot, then that is all I have to offer. Seriously. There's nothing left to be said. No, I'm not joking so quit asking. What? Yes,
I realize that is incredibly weak and lame, but what else would you expect from a writer whose IMDb resume reveals such credits as The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man
and Sex Files: Alien Erotica II? If you dare answer "high-brow comedy with a dash of intellectual enlightenment mixed in for a frothy and entertaining brew" then please let
me know where you live so my size 11 biker boots can pay you a little visit. A bunch of stupid, unfunny jokes and painfully non-hilarious situations ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Have you ever wondered what would happen if somebody attempted to make a female version of Dumb and Dumber but botched it worse than Joan Rivers' latest facelift? Welp, wonder
no more! Blonde and Blonder answers that question, and let me tell you, the revelation ain't pretty. Unless you enjoy staring at a screen for 90 minutes without a smile
ever even threatening to crack. That doesn't fall under "good times" in the Johnny Betts dictionary, but apparently there are about three people out there who actually find Jim Breuer
funny, so who knows, perhaps this has an incredibly limited audience. No, Jim Breuer isn't in this movie, but only people who like that pothead could possibly sit through this
celluloid abomination.
Now, I could spend my valuable time lacing this review with clever metaphors, creative alliteration, and smoothly-transitioned paragraphs, but since the writers of this turd burger
have no clue what any of those things are then why should I bother reviewing this movie with the respect the producers of this Taco Bell aftermath failed to offer movie audiences?
So you know what that means? It's bullet point time! Sing along with me...
It's bullet point time! Bullet point time! Bullet point time and a baseball bat! Bullet point time and a baseball bat! *stirs pot* All righty, and enough of that crap.
How stupid is this movie? Let me put my math minor to deft usage and count the ways...
- Pamela Anderson wants to learn to fly an airplane. We see that she has a "Flying for Dummies" book. We're expected to laugh. We do not meet expectations.
- One of the girls (can't remember which one) says in order to fly, "We start the engine and then we take off into the sky." Again, I think we're supposed to laugh.
- They get confused because they can't find the mirrors, blinkers, and headlights on the plane. Give me a second. My side is hurting so badly from laughing that I've gotta take
a breather. Whew. OK, I'm better now.
- While driving, Denise asks, "What are we listening to?" Pam responds, "That's the Sound of Music." Denise says, "Oh cool. What's the music called?" Sadly, that was
probably the least unfunny line in the entire movie.
- Denise Richards' character works under the assumption that nine months is a longer period of time than one year. Sigh.
- Pam's house lights work when you clap your hands. Denise thinks this makes her a magician. I think a couple of gals are hard up for cash.
- In her previous job, Denise was a secretary. She got fired because she used White-Out on her computer monitor in an attempt to blot out her mistakes. If you're tempted to think
that's almost funny, well, don't give in to the temptation. It's not delivered in such a way to make it cute.
- A flatulent turtle is featured heavily and to absolutely no comedic value.
- The girls do a lot of dumb dancing. The results of their dancing? They fall down a lot, stuff gets broken, and I don't laugh a single time.
- For some reason they don't know which is greater - $250,000 or $25,000. I know they're supposed to be stupid, but come on, this isn't even funny within the context of dumb
people.
- When somebody uses the term "metaphor," one of Chris Farley's brothers thinks the guy means "hermaphrodite." Yep, that's a riot. Hi-stinkin'-larious.
- Instead of saying "figure of speech" a character says "figment of speech." Comedic geniuses these writers are.
- Instead of referring to one of the characters by his rightful title - the Sheik - they mistakenly call him shrink and Shrek. Believe me; it's funnier when I talk about it
than it is when they say it in the movie.
And just like the movie in Journey's Don't Stop Believin', these jokes go on and on and on and on. Basically, the writers said, "Hey, let's create a list of terms
and phrases and have the characters say them differently to show how stupid they are, and voila! We've got our movie." Then Mr. The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man
came along and said, "Oh, and let's throw in a bunch of sexual double entendres! We can name a Chinese character Wong and really go crazy!" To which the producers most likely
replied, "OK, we don't know legitimate humor when we see it, so let's do it!"
Folks, after reading what I've told you, do you really want to waste time and money watching this? Thankfully, I saw it for free, but my life ledger now shows 90 minutes spent
watching this. It's not something I'm taking proudly to the grave. Please, let my tagline ring true...
"Johnny Betts - watching bad movies so that you don't have to."
Let's put a twist on Nike's trademarked slogan - just don't do it.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Even though Dean Hamilton is credited as the director, Bob Clark of A Christmas Story and Porky's fame is apparently the real director. For some reason, the
Canadian government would not let him have credit because he lived in Los Angeles and was no longer a Canadian resident. Clark died in 2007 in a car accident. Um, I would think
the only way for him to rest in peace would be for his people NOT to fight for him to get credit for this disaster.
- For some inexplicable reason, a sequel is already in the works. The tagline states, "This time the Blondes go in Space." Unbelievable.
- Denise Richards was in Love Actually with Chiwetel Ejiofor who was in American Gangster with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow
Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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This isn't overly profane, but there are a few junior high-ish sexual double entendres. Nothing you can't find on network television though. However, this is such an offense
to one's intelligence that I don't think it should meet any rational person's approval.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I wasted 90 minutes on the movie so I'm not giving up another two on a stupid trailer. Who cares what you think of the trailer? Take my word for it - the movie's horrible and
not worthy of your time.
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THE GIST
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Avoid.
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