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Movie Review - Dark Storm (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Jason Bourque |
| Starring: |
Stephen Baldwin, The Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
None. |
| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Originals |
| Website: |
None that I could find. |
| Release: |
May 26, 2007 |
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PLOT
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On a secret military base a group of scientists have made a discovery unequaled since the invention of the A-bomb; code-named Eruptor, it's a device
that supercharges Dark Matter and uses it to change the molecular structure of its target, thereby eradicating it. But when the Eruptor malfunctions
and a leading scientist (Baldwin) on the project is blasted with Dark Matter, he receives incredible abilities that allow him to control the weather, as the
same device now threatens the world. Dark boredom ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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In what can only be described as an effort to set a record for "Most Sci-Fi Originals Starred in Within a Three Month Period," my man Stephen Baldwin
cashes a check and phones in another performance in creatively titled Dark Storm. Cold off the heels of a movie with a similar name but
dissimilar theme - Earthstorm - Stevie B. continues to move further and further away from the potential he showed
in The Young Riders and The Usual Suspects.
In this latest Sci-Fi turdburger, Stephen's a scientist with cool, orange-tinted sunglasses who, through the malfunction of a molecular-altering
machine, gains the ability to control the weather. Too bad he wasn't able to control the quality of this movie. Because it be stank. Yet another
painfully generic movie that suffers from not being anywhere close to good, but taking itself way too seriously to achieve so-bad-it's-entertaining
status.
The recitation of a bunch of token scientific terms such as small rotational shifts, containment pressure, and orbital debris would almost be
laughable if it wasn't so mind-numbingly boring. It's hard to laugh at an actor saying, "We're gonna reboot security processor and run a full
diagnostic," when the delivery is so monotone it makes Ben Stein appear to have the bubbly personality of Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Folks, this movie is just plain dull. I was so disinterested that my mind often wandered, and I really didn't know what was going on half
the time. In fact, I was so disinterested that I don't even have the energy to come up with a clever metaphor to describe just how disinterested
I was! I really only remember a few scenes of a fan blowing Stephen's hair around as if he's in a shampoo commercial. Oh, and of course
some CG lightning was added to remind us that Stevie was controlling the weather.
The only cheesy, unintentional humor to be found is in a scene where Stephen and his wife are making out, and the thermostat starts shooting up,
all the way to over 100 degrees. A badly-rendered CG haze forms over his head and a light bulb flickers. Ridiculous.
That's it. I'm now bored thanks to writing this review. If anybody else had been the lead in the movie then I would've jumped ship after five minutes.
I can't believe I forced myself to sit through the whole thing. This review better stop at least one reader out there from attempting to
watch the movie, otherwise, I've just wasted a whole lot of precious time.
Up next for the Stephen Baldwin/Sci Fi Original tandem? Stan Lee's Harpies. The tag line reads, "Some security guards sleep on the job.
This one fights wizards and monsters." Oh how we can only hope the movie delivers on the tagline's promise of extreme cheese.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Yeah, I'm gonna waste time coming up with Odds & Ends for this flick. Uh-huh. Sure.
- Stephen Baldwin was in The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with
Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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This is made-for-TV and pretty much safe for anybody. But it's also pretty much boring for everybody, so
content is of little consequence.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I made no effort to find a trailer online.
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THE GIST
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Skip it. Unless you're extremely bored and insistent on watching every movie Stephen's in.
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