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Movie Review - Dragonfight
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Warren A. Stevens |
| Starring: |
This movie doesn't star anyone, but Robert Z'Dar, Paul Coufos, and Michael Paré do appear in it. |
| Rated: |
R |
| Length: |
83 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Website: |
Yeah, right. |
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PLOT
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In the future, large corporations earn millions of dollars by staging gladiatorial fights to the death that are
shown on worldwide television...
That's the supposed plot. The actual plot is that Robert Z'Dar and Paul Coufos fight in the middle of the desert
for 83 minutes. Oh, and Michael Paré watches them on a TV in some high-rise penthouse suite.
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MR. SHADE'S TAKE
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This is a movie so bad Johnny Betts wouldn't even review it, and Michael Paré wouldn't appear in it for longer
than 5 minutes. When myself, Mrs. Shade, JB and Stephanie all sat down to watch this movie we thought that
Michael Paré and Robert Z'Dar were the gladiators. We thought, "Hey, a Paré movie where he does underground
gladiator fighting, this should be fun to watch!" Biggest mistake ever.
The movie starts off with some executives trying to get a big payday from a gladiator fight. Some pointless
dialog ensues and they decide to try to get Falchion (Coufos) and Lochaber (Z'Dar) to fight. Lochaber is sent
into the desert wearing chain mail and an axe, hopefully for some live-action Dungeons and Dragons. Nope, he is
supposed to find and fight Falchion. Falchion refuses, Lochaber goes crazy and starts killing random people,
Falchion knocks down Lochaber and runs off, Lochaber kills more people, Falchion kills Lochaber, Lochaber gets
resurrected by Evil-Lyn (that's right, a He-man reference), Lochaber kills more people, Falchion kills Lochaber
again, Lochaber gets resurrected by Evil-Lyn again, Lochaber kills more people, and finally Falchion
kills Lochaber for good. Somewhere in there Michael Paré and the executives get upset that Lochaber is killing
innocent people because the law could get involved.
Sound exciting? Trust me, it's not. This has to be the most boring movie ever made. Before you ask - yes, I have
seen "Manos the Hands of Fate," and it's still not this boring. I think Stephanie was asleep within 5 minutes - a
record that will probably not be broken. The fighting is horrendous and the dialog is even worse. The sad thing
is that you are almost to the point of begging for more fighting and dialog because most of the movie is just
Falchion and Lochaber plodding through the desert.
Johnny's Note: And who can forget the 10-minute scene of a woman
trying to climb a hill to escape Lochaber? My last trip to the bathroom was more exciting.
One of the two high points of the movie is when Falchion, who can't be larger than 200 pounds, picks up the back
of a full size truck by himself and holds it while the tire is changed.
Johnny's Note: Sadly, Mr. Shade isn't exaggerating. Keep in mind,
Falchion isn't supposed to have special strength or powers that would allow him to accomplish such a feat. It's
a truly bizarre scene.
The other high point is Robert Z'Dar himself. For those of you who have never seen Robert Z'Dar he looks
exactly like Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story. His chin has to be seen to be believed.
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JOHNNY'S TWO CENTS
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Robert Z'Dar's chin deserves its own credit in the movie. This guy has a chin that would eat Jay Leno's
chin for a lightweight snack and not even blink. How freaky would it be to see a chin that blinked? Anyway,
I wish I had a screenshot from the movie of Z'Dar wearing his chain mail because Mr. Shade is right, he looks
JUST LIKE Buzz Lightyear. Check out his website and prepare to be frightened.
Seriously, I think his chin has its own fan club. Warning - viewing his chin could be unsuitable for children
and the highly sensitive.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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I don't really recall any cursing or nudity, but it must have been rated R for a reason. There is some really
fake looking violence, but it doesn't really matter because there is no reason for your mother to watch this
movie.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If you're dead set on seeing this movie even after this review I hope you can find a trailer. They should be
able to condense the entire plot, dialog and all of the action into two minutes. Most of you would probably
still fall asleep watching it.
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THE GIST
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I guess if you have to see all of Michael Paré's or Robert Z'Dar's movies then watch this. Actually, just
look at the cover of the movie, read this review and just claim that you have seen all of their movies.
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