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Movie Review - Earthstorm (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Terry Cunningham |
| Starring: |
Stephen Baldwin, Dirk "Face from he A-Team" Benedict, and Anna Silk |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Man once landed on the moon. Now it's landing on us.
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| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Originals |
| Website: |
Earthstorm |
| Release: |
March 10, 2007 |
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PLOT
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A massive asteroid crashes on the moon causing storms on earth due to the sudden changes in ocean
tides. Further examination reveals that the moon's structure is now unstable, threatening earth's
existence. With no time to spare, a team of scientists turns to one man - demolitions expert John
Redding (Baldwin) - in an effort to save humanity.
But who will save Dirk Benedict's face when it is hit by flying debris that causes his entire facelift
to become unstable? A substantially boring Sci-Fi Original ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Earthstorm is a fine example *ahem* excuse me - a "fine" (picture me making air quotes) example
of the least desirable type of Sci-Fi Original - it's certainly not very good, but it takes itself so
seriously that it never has a legitimate chance to reach "so bad it's good" status. It's just ...
there.
Think Armageddon, had Armageddon been made in the mid-80s without a script or a budget.
How do you rip-off a movie made in 1998 yet come off looking like the older, less technically proficient
of the two? Thank goodness I had chores to do while this was on in the background, else I would have
never made it through.
So, is there anything about the movie that makes it worth watching? The special effects? Nope.
They're a couple of steps below those of current generation video games.
The action? Hmm, I'd have to say nah considering that consists of the camera focusing on a character
and then shaking really fast.
How about the acting? Not exactly a clinic. Stephen Baldwin does his "Sci-Fi Original Stephen Baldwin
Best," meaning he furrows his brow, broods, and talks in a slightly strained whisper. While smirking every
now and then. He actually shows some flashes of passion, but most of the time he looks as bored
delivering his dialogue as I was of listening to it.
And Dirk Benedict? Well, he just shows up at random times to be a nasally jerk. In other words, he
replicates every role he's ever done since The A-Team. Oh, and he shows us what a jack-a-dandy
he is by pronouncing "Uranus" as "Your-nus."
Upon deep reflection, I have to conclude the main thing that makes the movie slightly watchable is
looking for the hidden meaning behind the dialogue. Look closely enough and you'll see all sorts of
slightly-veiled Baldwin family references.
Take the "Wow, that's some crack," quote, for example. A phrase no doubt uttered many 'a time by
Daniel Baldwin just prior to running a red light and flying into a ditch, all while swearing he wasn't
under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
And how about when the generic no-name actor says to Stephen, "Nobody knows more about how things
collapse in on themselves than you." Powerful words. Obviously a reference to Stevie B's
less-than-inspired career decisions. Following up The Usual Suspects with Bio-Dome? I
love your "I'll do the roles I want despite their career implications" attitude, man, but we all know
that has consequences.
Then of course there's the exchange between Face and Stephen, "Pleasure to meet a man with such an
illustrious family tradition of blowing things up." Stephen smirks. So did I.
And then Stephen summed it all up with, "This is definitely the weirdest bomb I ever built." I'm sure
he meant to say "ever made," but he at least got the "bomb" part right. Earthstorm isn't exactly
the weirdest bomb he's ever made, nor is it the worst, but I'd say it's one of the most boring.
Is there anybody out there who actually sits at home and watches a movie like this and thinks, "That
was pretty good! Nice tension!" ??? If so then please speak up. I have to meet you and see what you
look like. For me, it's the equivalent of a scientist discovering a new species or an archaeologist
finding an ancient relic thought to be lost to history.
Please let me be the one to make this find.
But, despite my comments, it was still better (and more realistic) than
The Day After Tomorrow. I know - ouch.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Folks, the movie's so bad that NASA wouldn't even let them use their name, thus, we have the
American Space Institute (ASI). Houston, however, wasn't so lucky in protecting its name.
- Anna Silk looks like the chick from that weird car commercial that's doing all the strange arm
dancing. The music is some techno-sounding song that includes, I think, the lyrics "days go by."
I hope you know what I'm talking about because I'm not explaining it any further.
- Stephen Baldwin was in The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with
Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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I'm fairly sure mama and the kids won't have much interest in seeing this, but should they run out of
things to watch and this is somehow the only thing left on TV then they can at least rest assured that
the content is family safe.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Is there a trailer for this? If so, I'm not wasting my time looking for it.
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THE GIST
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I wouldn't waste my time unless you're a die-hard Stephen Baldwin completist who has to make sure to
watch every single movie he's in.
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