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Movie Review - Falling Fire (1998)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Daniel D'Or |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré and and absolutely no one else you've heard of |
| Rated: |
R (for some violence, sexuality and brief language) |
| Length: |
93 minutes |
| Genre: |
Bad Movie/Sci-Fi |
| Tagline: |
I don't even feel like making one up |
| Studio: |
New Horizons Home Video |
| Website: |
A website for this? Riiiiiiiiight.
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PLOT
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In what can only be described as lameness to the extreme, the story revolves around a group of bad actors
who are sent to an asteroid field to retrieve some sort of asteroid that will somehow replenish some of
earth's natural resources. In a twist that serves to provide absolutely no tension whatsoever, there's
a bad guy on board who wants to control the asteroid and use it to destroy earth. One of Michael Paré's
most boring and least "entertaining in a bad way" movies ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Stephanie and I headed over to the Shades' abode for what we thought was going to be an enjoyable "so bad
it's good" movie night. Mr. Shade has had Michael Paré's Falling Fire for quite a while now, and we
finally decided it was time to give it a look. I must admit that this was one of our least impressive
exercises in judgment.
The movie starts off with about 10 minutes of inconsequential slow motion action. And by "action" I mean
"a dude walking around and nothing happening." The slow motion plays to the backdrop of some awesome Casio
music. And by "awesome" I mean "worse than my 6th grade Casio jam sessions." Things just deteriorate from
here.
Mrs. Shade was running around the house doing who knows what, and we kept making fun of her for missing out
on such a good movie. She finally came in about 15 minutes into the movie and asked what was going on.
Mr. Shade replied, "They're on some sort of ship, and they got close to an asteroid, and Michael Paré is
doing something on the ship, and there was some sort of explosion, and I don't know exactly what happened."
Folks, that pretty much sums it up. Not only will you get lost in the boredom and start to realize you
don't know what's going on, but you absolutely won't care. About an hour into the movie, after my mind had
already wandered and reflected on about 1000 different things, I asked, "Does anybody know what's going on?"
As I looked around for an answer, I noticed that Stephanie was asleep, and Mrs. Shade had a scowl on her face.
Nobody was even trying to keep up with the story anymore. Mrs. Shade, looking exhausted from sitting through
this, huffed, "This is one of Michael Paré's worst movies. It's not even funny in a stupid way. It's just
boring."
One of Michael Paré's worst movies. Wow. Think about that statement. It's like saying "one of Mr. Hilton's
skankiest daughters." But it's true; Falling Fire is just an absolute chore to sit through. The
acting is bad, but not in a way that's laughable. The dialogue is of less quality than what can be found
in a junior high play, but it's not cheesy. It's just ... there. Stale. Stagnating. Waiting to bore
anybody who hears it.
The only moment that inspired genuine laughter was a ridiculous scene where Paré and some chick have a
little make out session in zero gravity. I have no idea how Paré has any pride left after this absurdity,
especially considering how stupid it looked when the camera just focused on him floating with his arms and
legs out. Man, why are we wasting 90 minutes of our life on this??? Oh yeah - so YOU don't have to.
Who knew that an asteroid threatening to destroy the earth could be so boring? If such an event were to occur
in reality, and if it resembled Falling Fire in any way, then we don't have to worry about worldwide
panic. It's more likely that everybody would just fall into a stupor and the greatest threat of earth's
destruction would be mankind's absolute apathy.
There was one character who actually made a sensible statement: "Suffering is the greatest evil." If that's
the case then Falling Fire is the movie equivalent of Satan.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- During the movie Michael Paré recalls a Little League game he played in once and mentions the "bottom
of the 9th." How many Little Leagues actually play 9 innings?
- This is yet another Sci-Fi Original. Good job, Sci-Fi Channel, you're really managing to live far below
expectations.
- Tony Curtis Blondell was in Shepherd with C. Thomas Howell who was in Gettysburg with Tom
Berenger who is in Into the West with Josh Brolin who was in The Hollow Man with Kevin
Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There is some nudity and bad language. I don't recommend this to mama, children, or anybody with a pulse who
deems his or her time to be precious.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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The trailer actually made this movie look like it could be halfway decent. The trailer be deceptive.
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THE GIST
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Falling Fire is one of Michael Paré's worst movies. And I don't mean that in a good way. Enough
said.
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