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Movie Review - Firefight (2003)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Paul Ziller |
| Starring: |
Stephen Baldwin, Nick Mancuso, Steve Bacic, and Sonya Salomaa |
| Rated: |
R (for language) |
| Length: |
94 minutes |
| Genre: |
Bad Movie/Action |
| Tagline: |
A firestorm out of control is about to get hotter. |
| Website: |
Hahaha. |
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PLOT
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Well, you see, there was this fireman. One day he risked his life in order to save the bank's money that
was in a truck that was stuck in the middle of a forest fire. Unfortunately for him, the bank manager is
a figurative mustache-twirling meany who refuses to give the fireman a loan to help save his family
restaurant. How could the bank manager be so cruel? Well, his reasoning is that the money was
insured, so the fireman shouldn't have risked his life to save it. How's that for gratitude?
So what is a poor fireman to do? Start a forest fire in order to rob an armored vehicle carrying the
bank's money, of course! Things go swimmingly until the money is dropped in the forest out of the
getaway helicopter. And what's worse, a dangerous gang is after the loot as well! DUHN DUHN DUHN!
Some of the cheesiest fire effects I've ever seen ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I think the most surprising thing about Firefight is that it's not as bad as it could have been.
Oh sure, there's bad dialogue, bad acting, bad special effects, absolute murder of the laws of physics,
and enough unintentional humor to make Michael Pare proud. So no, this isn't a good movie. But it's
not completely unwatchable. Granted, that's not saying much. Somebody slipping on ice and falling
flat on his face isn't unwatchable either. Yeah, it's bad, but you can't help but laugh.
The pace moved just fast enough, and there was enough cheese to laugh at, to keep me from getting bored. I
honestly couldn't tell if some of the cheese was intentional or not. For example, one of the guys driving
the armored vehicle is an Indian dude named Raja who wears a big purple turban. When the truck is caught
in the fire at the beginning, he tells his partner to calm down and say "ohm." When his partner
mistakenly says "um," Raja corrects him and says it's "ohm." It's totally laughable, and I have
no idea if the scene was supposed to be taken seriously or not.
And then things really get ludicrous later in the movie when Raja decides to become Rambo and get the
stolen money back. He picks up a shotgun and in his exaggerated Indian accent says, "Let's droo this."
I'm thinking laughter wasn't the emotional response the producers were going for, but I was cracking
up. And who can't laugh when Raja unravels his turban and uses it as a whip to take a gun out of a
bad guy's hand?
Then there's Stephen Baldwin. He's a bad guy named Wolf. You better believe he's wearin' out
every bad guy cliche in the book - motorcycle, leather jacket, sleeveless shirt, 3-day stubble, husky
voice, and a weird dyed blonde streak in his hair. He's simply at his post-Usual Suspects Stephen
Baldwinest. In other words, he's hammin' it up and laughin' all the way to the bank, not caring a
thing in the world how something like this will look on his resume.
It's probably unnecessary for me to point out that the special effects are pretty bad. The
computer-generated fire is faker than an Ashlee Simpson SNL appearance, and the few shots of real fire
look like home video close-ups of somebody lighting a match. But boy does it provide for some fine
humor!
Speaking of humor, most of it is unintentional, but there's actually one legitimately funny scene. When
ol' Raja, the purple turban wearin' hero, shows up to confront the gang, one of the guys laughs and asks,
"What is this, some sort of terrorist attack?" Raja gets mad and tells him to put his hands up, to which
the bad guy says, "Whatever you say, Osama." That's as good as it gets. Oh, and one of the bad guys
is named Sue. At one point Wolf refers to him as "boy." Is this supposed to be a clever reference to
"A Boy Named Sue"? Don't be alarmed. That spinning sound you hear is just Johnny Cash.
If you're at least looking for somebody to cheer for, don't bother. You'd have an easier time finding
something Jason Alexander has succeeded at post-Seinfeld. The "good guys" aren't really all that
good. They attempt to rob an armored vehicle, and when things go bad, they let Wolf take the heat and
act like they're heroes. And then they get reward money? Right. Good "moral of the story" there.
The only thing missing is a really bad 1985-esque theme song with horrific lyrics. Hmm, one of the
worst lines in the movie comes when Wolf notices his ex-girlfriend has an eye for the fireman and he asks
her, "Would you like him to put your fire out?" So if you'll excuse me, I feel a bit inspired:
There's a fire in your heart waitin' to be tamed
And it's lasting longer, baby, than an eternal flame
But fightin' fires is what he's all about
Tell me baby, would you like him to put your fire out?
*extended guitar solo*
Wolf stole the money, now he wants to steal your heart
But not even a vicious firefight could tear you apart
The fireman's comin' to save you, there is no doubt
Tell me baby, would you like him to put your fire out?
They could've gotten John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown band to sing it and it would've been gold.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Roger Corman, the guy who made his name by making low budget horror movies in the 60s, is the
executive producer.
- You can get a used copy of the DVD for as cheap as $1.99 through Amazon. Or better yet, I've seen
it for $0.99 (with the Buy-It-Now option) on Ebay. I wouldn't recommend this course of action
though.
- How much trivia did you expect me to find for this?
- Stephen Baldwin was in The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in The Hollow
Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Mama would have no interest in this. Profanity isn't extreme, but a handful of f-bombs are dropped.
No nudity. Contains some offensively bad dialogue.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Can you believe I actually found a trailer for this?? I checked it out, and the trailer contains almost
no dialogue, giving you no indication of how cheesy it is. Otherwise, you might watch the trailer and
think, "Hmm, looks like a somewhat interesting B-grade action movie."
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THE GIST
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If you're a huge Stephen Baldwin fan, and it's your goal to see every movie he's been in, then there are
worse movies of his to sit through. But get some friends together and create your own Mystery Science
Theater party for this one. If you're into bad movies then there's enough cheese here to entertain.
But I'd recommend trying to catch it on TV. I wouldn't want to pay money to watch it, and I doubt you
would either. If you're lactose intolerant then you should stay away.
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