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Movie Review - Frankenfish (2004)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Mark A.Z. Dippé |
| Starring: |
Tory Kittles, K.D. Aubert, China Chow, Tomas Arana, and Mark Boone Junior |
| Rated: |
R (for violence/gore, language, sexual content and some drug use) |
| Length: |
84 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Welcome to the bottom of the food chain. |
| Studio: |
Not sure. I do know that it debuted on the Sci-Fi Channel. |
| Website: |
Nothing to see here. |
| Release: |
October 9, 2004 |
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PLOT
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After some dude is brutally killed in the Louisiana swamps, a coroner and hot babe biologist are called in to
investigate what's going on. Their research reveals that genetically-engineered Chinese Snakehead fish are
responsible. The fish chase them to a houseboat where they become stranded with other locals. They must use
their wits (this is asking a lot) to get out of the situation or risk becoming fish bait. Huge fish ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Let's just face facts here - no one sits down to watch a movie called Frankenfish and expects a good movie.
If somebody does, well, he most likely doesn't have the ability to read this review anyway and thus won't be offended
by anything I'm about to say.
Now I don't know if this is a positive or a negative, but amazingly, Frankenfish is not nearly as bad as
you'd expect. In other words, it's easier to watch than a shirtless David Hasselhoff photo session. The problem
is that in an effort to avoid being as bad as humanly possible, the movie never lets itself achieve the level of
cheese it could and should have.
For example, when I hear the term "Frankenfish" I want a fish that's been pieced together from several different
species. A shark snout here, a dolphin fin there, the eye of a bream, something really freakish like that. So
the revelation that we're just dealing with genetically-altered fish is a bit of a letdown. However, the film is
not without its highlights. Just check out some of this stellar dialogue:
- "I should've never dated swamp girl."
- "His head is missing!"
- "So I guess we're having filet-of-swamp monster."
- "You look good for a girl covered in fish brains."
My guess is they visited local elementary schools and let 5th graders submit lines they thought would be cool to use
in a "stupid fish movie."
Basically, this is another "creature feature" with production values resembling that of a home video, hot chicks
as scientists (I'm not complaining), characters acting nonchalant over other characters being killed, and characters
just generally acting stupid.
For example, these morons are stuck on a houseboat. It's dark. It's murky. A gigantic fish is swimming around
looking for people to eat. So what does one guy do when he sees movement in the water near the edge of the
houseboat? Why he leans his head over the edge, of course! Characters like that deserve to die. That's all there
is to it. Seriously, are we expected to root for the fish? Because I'm sure not going to throw my support behind
characters that are this clueless.
And you gotta love the brains (or lack thereof) of two of the survivors at the end. After all the Frankenfish
are killed (oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't spoil the movie for you), they decide to go check on their friend who
fell off the boat during the totally unexciting chase scene where the fish was hunting them. After the guy and
girl smooch (of course), the guy replies that the point where their friend fell off is "not too far of a swim."
Um, in an ALLIGATOR-INFESTED SWAMP?!?!? Genius.
On the plus side, I was actually surprised by two of the deaths, and K.D. Aubert is looking pretty hot,
so I was able to actually sit through the entire film. Though I must admit that I did make use of my good
friend Mr. Button quite a bit. I'll have to introduce you sometime. You've probably heard of him. Button. Fast
Forward Button. Sometimes goes by FFW Button. Trust me, when it comes to movies like this he'll quickly become
your friend as well.
Now, what I really want to see is a movie called Frankenfurter! Hmm, you know what? I just thought of my
next Movie Mark Original! Check back soon for full details on that...
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ODDS & ENDS
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- This is the first in a trilogy of bad Snakehead movies that Johnny is going to review. The other two will be
Snakehead Terror and Night of the Snakehead Fish.
- Johnny wonders why snakeheads are getting such a bad rap.
- 2006 is gracing us with Swarm of the Snakehead. With a tagline like "Part fish. Part snake. Pure
evil..." you know it's gonna be a stench-fest.
- Johnny's waiting for the announcement of a sequel to Samuel L. Jackson's Snakes on a Plane. He
recommends the title Snakeheads on a Plane.
- What was up with the guy talking with a bad fake Cajun accent? He's a white guy with dreads and I could never
tell if it was supposed to be a Jamaican or Cajun accent. I doubt anybody on the set knew either.
- My sister killed her pet fish recently when she was changing the water in its bowl. I think enough time has
passed for me to subject her to public humiliation because of it.
- Johnny likes to fish. Catfish, bass, bream, and crappie (no, that's not referring to this movie) are more his
style. He tries to avoid genetic mutations that are bigger than he.
- Tory Kittles was in Paparazzi with Dennis Farina who was in The Mod Squad with Josh Brolin who was in
Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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I watched this on the Sci-Fi Channel, so the content wasn't all that bad. However, it was clear that some profanity
was edited out, and I have a feeling a little nudity was cut out as well. I really wouldn't recommend renting the
DVD to find out. Seriously, why spend money on this when you can catch it for free on TV sometime? Not that you'd
even want to do THAT, but you know what I'm getting at.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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You're more than welcome to try to find a trailer online, but I doubt very seriously it'd convince you that this was
a piece of cinematic art.
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THE GIST
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Frankenfish is one of those movies that can only be recommended to people who like to get together with
friends and watch really bad, low-budget films just so they can make fun of them. I just wish it wasn't stuck so
firmly between like and love. No wait, that was Billy Vera. Frankenfish is stuck between "mediocre" and
"not as bad as most Sci-Fi Originals." It should've swung for the Velveeta fences.
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