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Movie Review - Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness (2004)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Jim Wynorski |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré, nobody else I've heard of |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Once thought banished forever, winged, fire-spitting creatures are resurrected and immediately begin wreaking havoc on a port city. |
| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Originals |
| Website: |
None that I could find. |
| Release: |
October 30, 2004 |
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PLOT
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Two CIA agents are sent to Bucharest, Romania to solve a high profile kidnapping. But what they discover is something inexplicable. An evil gargoyle, once
thought dead and banished forever, has returned with a vengeance. An uncompellingly generic Sci Fi Original ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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I owe Thomas Kinkade either a thank you or a massive beatdown.
"Thomas Kinkade, the famous painter? What does he have to do with a mediocre Michael Paré Sci Fi Original?"
I'm glad I posed as a reader and asked this question. Allow me to explain...
Thomas Kinkade, or somebody running his business, thought it'd be a good idea to sell cute little "paint-by-numbers" Kinkade
prints. This package comes with a preprinted canvas panel, 18 numbered acrylic paints, 2 paint
brushes, and a plastic water bottle. All you have to do is spend hours upon hours mixing paints and trying meticulously to
stay within the small little lines and then you can have your very own ugly Kinkade painting.
For some reason, my mom decided she wanted all the kids to paint one of these things for her. So she purchased the ones she
wanted and distributed them. This would be cute if I were in 1st grade, and judging by the picture of the finished product
on the box, that's what it's going to look like - something I did in 1st grade. I don't think my mom looked closely at the
picture. There's no way she's gonna frame this thing and put it where somebody can see.
But alas, always the dutiful son, I decided to sit down and start chipping away at this pain in the buttocks. I'm also a
masterful multitasker, so I figured this would be a good opportunity to clean up my DVR a bit. One movie that's been sitting
on there for a while is Michael Paré's Gargoyle: Wings of Darkness, a title that indicates with 99.8% certainty that
you're dealing with a bad movie. I watched this when it originally came on the Sci Fi channel, but I lost the notes I took,
therefore, I never got around to reviewing it.
For months I haven't been able to force myself to sit through it, but I decided that it'd be worth having on in the
background as I slaved away at what I'm calling "The Kinkade Nightmare." And honestly, that's the best way to attempt to
watch it. By Sci Fi Original standards, it's not absolutely horrible. It's not good, of course, but it's not cringe-inducing
awful.
The acting is uninspired, the CGI is passable at best, and the story will compel only the most easily amused, but I guess if
you just can't get enough Gargoyle or Michael Paré movies then you might be able to make it through. That doesn't mean you'll
be overly entertained. There isn't even enough cheese here to make it enjoyable to mock. Oh sure, there's the "bat got your
tongue" line, but that's about it.
It wasn't worth sitting through a second time just to write this half-hearted review, but it did keep me company as I
sat there mixing white and burnt umber paints so I could fill in some stupid trees. And the Kinkade painting at least gave me
an excuse to sit through the movie and finally delete it from the DVR once and for all. Neither made the other experience more pleasant,
but misery loves company, and it that regard they both served their purpose.
I'm sure Mr. Kinkade is a nice guy and all, so rather than deliver a massive beatdown, I'll just use this review to forever
attach his name to a Sci Fi Original. That, my friends, may be the one thing more painful than a meeting with Johnny's size 11s.
Sorry, Thomas, but I've put approximately three hours into the stupid painting and I'm not even halfway done. Surely you didn't think
you'd get a free pass?
Since I have more torture ahead, I'm feeling a little inspired to dedicate a Movie Mark Original to you. How does Kinkade: Painting
by Boredom sound? Hope you like it.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Michael Paré was in Eddies and the Cruisers with Joey Pantoliano who was in The Goonies with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with
Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Nothing offensive to be found in the made-for-TV version except some very light gore and blood.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I made no effort to find a trailer online.
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THE GIST
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Skip it. Unless you're extremely bored and insistent on watching every single Michael Paré movie.
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