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Movie Review - Gymkata (1985)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Robert Clouse |
| Starring: |
Kurt Thomas |
| Rated: |
R |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Bad Movie/Action |
| Tagline: |
The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate. |
| Studio: |
MGM |
| Website: |
Gymkata |
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PLOT
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Jonathan Cabot (Thomas) is a world champion gymnast who is inexplicably recruited and trained by the U.S. government
to go to the tiny third world country of Parmistan to play "The Game." You see, everybody who enters Parmistan
must play "The Game" - a deadly obstacle course that pits the competitors against all sorts of dangers, all while
being chased by Ninjas in black pajamas. If you win, then you get to live, plus Parmistan will grant you one
request. Is it just me, or does this seem to be a sketchy way of handling foreign policy?
The U.S. has determined that Parmistan is the perfect place to set up a Star Wars missile base. Therefore, it
is up to Cabot to win the competition and earn that request. Sounds possible for someone who swings around on
a bar for a living, right? Maybe not. Even though Kurt Thomas has a mullet/sweater combo that is hard to beat,
the truth is that no one has survived "The Game" in 900 years.
All right, altogether now: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! An action movie with a mullet-sportin', gay sweater wearin' gymnast
"hero" ensues...
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Have you ever dreamed of a movie with a hero who uses a deadly combination of gymnastics and ninja skills to fight
the forces of evil? Yeah, me neither. But that didn't keep Gymkata from being made. Someone gave the
green light on this turd burger, thus giving hope to amateur filmmakers everywhere.
Did anybody, at any point, think this was a good idea? Everybody involved in this disaster is obviously taking it
seriously. But why? Is there some sort of evil act that Kurt Thomas did in life, and thus God punished him with
attaching Gymkata to his permanent resume? There's absolutely no indication that this is just a big joke.
But that's the beauty of it. The unintentional comedy is what makes it a bad movie classic, and I don't think
the viewing audience would want it any other way.
In case the absurdity of this story hasn't sunk in yet, let me reiterate: somebody actually gave the go-ahead on
a movie where a GYMNAST BECOMES A DEADLY FIGHTING MACHINE! What would possibly motivate the government to recruit
a gymnast to fight its battles? Maybe I'm crazy, but I think there would be more qualified people to do the
job. Like, oh, I don't know, A NAVY SEAL PERHAPS! Or if they insisted on using someone not in the military then
I think I'd still go with a trained fighter. Can you imagine the U.S. military callin' up Paul Hamm and telling him
he's needed for a very special mission in Iraq? I hope he's not sitting by the phone, waiting for that call.
Hmm, wait a minute! That'd be an awesome sequel! Gymkata 2: Hammin' it Up!
You might as well make a movie about a baseball player going to a savage third world country to do battle. He
could take out people with his baseball bat. Every time he got the better of his competitors he could take a
cigar out of his mouth, look into the camera, and say, "Looks like you struck out." It'd be awesome.
I think I may work on a script where a movie reviewer is recruited by the U.S. for a top secret mission. I think
I shall call it Reviewjitsu: He's Got the Write Stuff. You cringe, but it's not worse than anything found
in Gymkata.
Allow me to make some random observations about some of the movies more inane moments:
- That's one sweet, sweet mullet that Kurt Thomas is sportin'.
- Thomas makes Luke Skywalker look like he's on steroids. Has a razor ever touched the guy's face? Not
likely.
- This has possibly the worst sound effects of any movie I've ever seen. Every punch, kick, and throw to the
ground sounds like a jet engine exploding. Or Star Jones falling down the stairs.
- Who in the world jogs and works out in a collared polo shirt? Apparently Kurt Thomas! Tomorrow you can
find me at the gym doing some bench presses in a coat and tie.
- During one of his workouts, Kurt is wearing some shorts that are so short a 1980-era NBA player would be
jealous. As if the shorts weren't bad enough, things get really inappropriate when Thomas is wearing those shorts
and walking on his hands up the stairs. What moron thought it'd be a good idea to give us a bird's eye view right
into Thomas' shorts? Worst. Camera. Angle. Ever.
- You gotta love the scene where Thomas tries to talk to some Asian chick, but she doesn't respond. So what
does he do? Starts doing backflips, pretending to have a conversation with her. He backflips, has his back to
her, and talks in a girly voice (some would say that's his regular voice, but I digress). Then he flips back to
face her and responds to himself. Hey Kurt, ever heard of turning around like a normal person? They obviously
had to bleed his gymnast moves dry.
- Production values are so great that when Kurt throws a knife at a tree, we see the hole in the tree BEFORE the
knife makes contact.
- Who was in charge of wardrobe? Thomas is wearing the worst sweaters I've ever seen. I thought my mom's seasonal
sweaters (reindeer, candy canes, snowmen, etc.) took the cake, but whew, we have a new winner. I especially like
the red one that has a design that goes down the shoulders and wraps around the biceps.
- Kurt's running scenes are flat-out comedic genius. I haven't laughed so hard at stubby little legs running
really fast since, well, I last watched a Tom Cruise movie.
- Most of the movie occurs in the Middle East. So who represents all the Middle Easterns? Americans in turbans,
of course!
- There is one scene where Kurt is running from some bad guys and he ducks into an alley. Lucky for him there
just so happens to be a high bar right above him serving no other purpose than to allow him a chance to beat
up some people with gymnastics. WHAT LUCK! A high bar in an alley, what are the chances?? And the
best part is that there's chalk on the bar. *shakes head*
- I love the scene where Kurt takes on about 20 ninjas while wearing tight blue jeans and a mock turtleneck.
Kurt Thomas - kicking butt in style! Why wasn't he wearing a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows?
- Gotta love Buck Kartalian, the Khan. He looks just like Mel Brooks. The first time I saw the movie I actually
looked it up to see if it was Brooks. I'm still not sure why an American was the leader of Parmistan.
- The citizens of Parmistan are just plain freaky. I haven't seen this few teeth since my last trip to Little
Rock.
- Part of the obstacle course goes through the town of crazies. It's full of nasty-looking cannibals. I have
to give the filmmakers credit, they found some of the ugliest women I have ever seen. But I have no idea why
there's a 5-minute slow motion walking scene during this segment.
- The best part about the town of crazies is that THERE'S A STONE POMMEL HORSE IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN!!!!
What in the world?? How convenient. Of course Thomas does a routine on the horse, kicking bad guys in the
process. This is absolutely the worst case of bad guys attacking a good guy one at a time that I've ever seen
in a movie. EVER! There's no strategy to his routine. He doesn't even look at the bad guys! He just does his
routine and every single moron runs into his kicks. Why?
I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. I could write separate articles on how bad the acting and
dialogue are, but you might fall asleep. This is just the perfect example of a "so bad it's good" movie. I just
wish they had hammed it up even more. For example, I can't believe Kurt wasn't forced to say something like,
"Parmistan? What's your main export, cheese?" Sadly, that line is actually too intelligent for the script.
Here's another golden opportunity that was missed: During Kurt's training at the beginning of the movie, he does a little
stick fighting. They should've had a scene where Kurt takes out about 30 bad guys with a stick (all while
wearing super tight jeans, a sweater vest, and a cardigan). Then someone could've responded, "Wow. That was
amazing. What do you call that thing?" Kurt, in his squeaky little voice, would've screeched, "That, my friend,
is a gymnaSTICK!" That would've ruled.
Gymkata is what happens when absolutely nobody involved in a project has any taste, style, or sense of what
makes a good movie. It's strange, but this makes a strong case for the theory that the complete absence of talent
can produce a product almost as entertaining as one that is produced with lots of talent.
Gymkata recently aired on Turner South. After one commercial, there was an ad calling this a Turner South
"fluff and fold" movie. I have no idea what that means, but I think it's more like "drop and flush."
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ODDS & ENDS
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- It was actually shown in theaters! It opened on 654 screens. Crap like this is usually only
straight-to-video or found in toilet bowls.
- It had a total domestic gross of $5,730,596.
- Thanks to Jimmy Carter's boycott of the 1980 Olympics, Kurt Thomas never had the opportunity to realize
his Olympic dream. Instead, he got to star in Gymkata. Rumor has it that Thomas holds some ill will
towards Carter.
- Based on the novel "The Terrible Game" by Dan Tyler Moore. Good luck finding the book. If they were gonna
change the name of the book for the movie, then it should've been changed to "The Terrible Movie."
- Filmed in Zagreb and Yugoslavia.
- Kurt Thomas was in Slam with Craig Stevenson who was in The Machinist with Christian Bale
who was in American Psycho with Josh Lucas who was in Coastlines with Josh Brolin who was in
The Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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The violence may be a bit much for young children, but there's nothing too offensive here. Unless you're
offended to the insult levied at the viewer's intelligence. There's also a strange scene where a guy in the
town of crazies is walking around in a robe that exposes his butt. But there's absolutely nothing about this
movie that would interest mama. You simply must have the desire and the curiosity to watch it to see how bad it is.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I couldn't find a trailer, but I guarantee you that there's not even two minutes worth of action that could be
spliced together to make this look like a good movie.
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THE GIST
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Folks, Gymkata is a bad movie that you just have to see at some point in life. Even if you don't come from the
Johnny Betts school of watching movies that are so bad they're entertaining, you still have to at least watch this
and Troll 2. They are two shining examples of the complete opposite way to make a good movie. All levels of
badness can then be judged by these two movies. In the future, when you're leaving the theater and a friend says to
you, "Whew, that was a bad movie!" you can calmly reply, "Well, then you haven't seen Gymkata." They're
curiosity will be piqued, and they'll be impressed with the depth of your movie knowledge.
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