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Movie Review - Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Michael Oblowitz |
| Starring: |
Jeffrey Combs, William Forsythe, and Hunter Tylo |
| Rated: |
R (for violence) |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
None. |
| Studio: |
Nu Image |
| Website: |
Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy |
| Release: |
Sometime in June, 2005 |
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PLOT
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I dare you to read this plot description out loud without laughing. Whenever somebody has asked me what this movie
is about, I haven't been able to finish telling them while keeping a straight face. You see, Jeffrey Combs is in
need of a paycheck, so he's "starring" as a mad scientist who has been experimenting with mixing shark and human
DNA. Obviously, his colleagues laughed at him. Now, anybody watching this movie is laughing at him. Not WITH
him.
Once Combs' creation comes to life, however, the colleagues aren't laughing anymore. Neither will you be once you
realize you've wasted 90 precious minutes watching this. Yet another link in a long chain of really bad Sci Fi
Original movies ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Let's face it; a movie called Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy simply cannot be good. It has no chance.
Right off the bat it's marked for failure. It's kind of like naming your child Toiletria De Vodka Jones. How many
CEOs do you know of named Toiletria? You might not like it, but the way of the world presents an immediate
disadvantage for those who appear to be named after alcohol or things found in your bathroom. I lay a large
majority of the blame on the jerk parents who created this unfair handicap by giving their child a bad name.
It's an uphill battle all the way.
Fair or not, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy is also already fighting an uphill battle due to its laughable title.
But there is a positive to this. Much like two virgins on their wedding night, it comes with a lot of promise.
However, and the previous virgin analogy still holds here, there's a lot of pressure as well. If you're gonna
have a bad title then you've got to be so extremely bad that you're entertaining. While it does have its moments,
it unfortunately is more often boring than laughable.
The movie starts off with great promise by introducing its ridiculous premise. Jeffrey Combs is a mad scientist
whose son had cancer. According to Combs, sharks never succumb to disease and there have never been any instances
of sharks getting cancer. According to real life, this simply isn't true. Granted, sharks do have a low incidence
of disease and cancer, but it's not true that they never get it. But this *is* a Sci Fi Original, so we'll go with
the flow here.
So Combs decides to cross cultivate shark stem cells with human cells to kill off his son's cancer cells. And you
know what? It worked! His son was cured of cancer! But of course by mutating the cells he turned his son into a
strange shark human that basically looks like a rubber shark head with human arms and legs. Ah well, you gave it
ye olde college try.
But Combs is happy with his creation. Just think of what can be accomplished by combining the superior strength of
a hammerhead shark with the intellect of a man! Combs decides to take this idea and run with it; raising
shark/human hybrids in human wombs.
Get the picture? I think you do. What proceeds is a plethora of bad movie clichés:
- A female character, destined to die, walks through the jungle and on mountains in high heels. And then
complains how her shoes are going to be ruined. Yeah, well, mountain climbing will do that to heels.
- Dialogue of such secondary characters is all delivered in stop motion: "These. Shoes. Are. Ruined."
- Cheesy one-liners aren't as prevalent as I would have liked, but William Forsythe does treat us to, "Wow, we've
been lei'd" after leis were put over his and his colleagues' necks.
- Costuming was handled on a "let's see what we can get from Wal-Mart" budget. Please note the rubber shark
fins sticking out of the water.
- In an attempt to battle Shark Boy, Forsythe is lucky enough to happen upon a cabinet that has "Shark Control"
written on it.
- A character has half his leg bitten off yet manages to hobble around as if it's an inconvenience merely the
size of a mosquito bite. Granted, he seemed to be a little out of breath. I guess he was "in shock."
- Oh yeah, can't forget the inclusion of models in tight, low-cut, wet tank tops! That's a standard.
I think the filmmakers hoped that the movie's horrible production values and cheesy special effects would fool you
into thinking this was made in the 80s, and thus, look at it less harshly and, perhaps, with a bit of nostalgia.
However, when you realize it was made in 2005 you can't help but be bowled over in disbelief. The filmmakers were
somewhat clever in making sure everything moved so fast that the movie's extreme cheesiness would be somewhat
concealed. So what you really need to do is pause and watch some of the shark action in slo mo just to see how
fake the rubber suit looks. Particularly when Shark Boy is walking on land and attacks a guy. The pause button
reveals that a guy in a rubber shark suit is merely lying on top of the character.
Another thing that makes this movie so funny is how absolutely serious all the actors are taking their roles.
Hunter Tylo screams as if she actually believes she might have a shot at an Oscar, and William Forsythe
constipates his way through his lines in such a manner that you can't help but wonder if it's a stone he's
trying to pass or the post-digestion of a 99 cent Taco Bell bean burrito. And then you've got Jeffrey Combs
(looking a lot like John Waters - complete with porn stache) who one minute is underplaying the diabolical
mad scientist through whispering and then the next he's overplaying the maniacal screaming. Unfortunately, the
seriousness of everybody involved starts to wear thin and things just start to get boring. The viewer is
eventually left wishing for really bad one-liners.
If you think there'll at least be some good action to wake you up, then you might want to try to find an online
course in logical deduction. The gunplay is about as exciting as watching generic actors at the shooting range,
and though there are tons of explosions, all of them have the artistic merit of Taco Bell-induced explosive
diarrhea. Not that this review is making a statement regarding Taco Bell's tendency to wreak havoc on
digestive systems or anything.
The thing that really upset me was that they didn't bother to work any bad shark puns into the mix. This movie
definitely needed a scene where our heroes have a face-to-face confrontation with Shark Boy while walking through
a DARK lab. Forsythe could've pulled out his shotgun, squinted his eyes, and then deadpanned, "Time for a
little dancin' in the SHARK!" as he opened fire. It would've ruled. You know it, and I know it.
Or how about since Jeffrey Combs never misses an opportunity to ham it up, after successfully creating his hybrid
he could've loudly proclaimed, "Shark the herald angels sing," followed by maniacal laughter. Then, of course,
after killing Shark Boy, Forsythe could've calmly and coolly walked over to the fallen rubber-suited body and
stated, "Looks like his shark *pause a beat* was bigger than his bite." Roll credits. Man I'm good.
Don't expect Sci Fi Originals to die out any time soon. There are a plethora of insects and animals out there,
and I guarantee you the Sci Fi channel can find a way to breed every single one of them with humans. In fact, I'm
feeling so motivated now that I'm going to come up with a list of really bad titles, complete with a cheesy plot
synopsis for each one. Stay tuned for my revelations.
See, Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy does have some redeeming values - it gives all aspiring screenwriters hope.
I know for an absolute fact that I could write a better story than what we typically see under the "Sci Fi Original"
label, but then again, who couldn't? So the trick is to write a bad movie in such a clever fashion that it
can reach cult classic status. I'm up to the challenge, and I'd like to thank the incredibly low standards of
the Sci Fi Channel for providing me with the inspiration.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Isn't my review long enough? Do you really need other useless facts about this movie?
- William Forsythe was in Coastlines with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Well, since this debuted on the Sci Fi channel there's not a whole lot of offensive material. There is some
gunplay and a few limbs get chomped off, but it all looks really fake.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I doubt an official trailer exists, but I did catch a commercial for it on the Sci Fi channel. It looked cheesy
enough to convince me to record it, but there wasn't as much Shark Boy destruction as I was expecting. No matter
how good the commercial looks to you, the movie is much worse.
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THE GIST
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There's no way Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy is worth your money or 90 minutes of your time. However, if you
use my review as a viewing guide and at least tune in to laugh at the rubber shark then you might be able to
squeeze about 15 minutes worth of entertainment out of it.
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