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Movie Review - Stan Lee's Harpies (2007)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
John Becker |
| Starring: |
Stephen Baldwin, Kristin Richardson, who cares about anybody else? |
| Rated: |
NR |
| Length: |
90 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Some security guards sleep on the job. This one fights wizards and monsters. |
| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Originals |
| Website: |
Harpies |
| Release: |
June 23, 2007 |
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PLOT
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You know what? I'm not sure what this stupid movie was about. It lured me into such a bored stupor that it'd have been easier to stare at
Rosie O'Donnell in a bikini than to pay attention to the supposed plot. OK, maybe it wasn't that bad. Anyway, my best guess is
that Stephen Baldwin is a security guard at a museum, and some bad guys break into the museum to steal an artifact. Said artifact somehow sends
Stephen Baldwin into the past - the year 972 A.D. to be exact. Should've sent him in the past right after The Usual Suspects and right
before he signed on to Bio-Dome. If he only had it to do all over again...
There are some winged female creatures in this ancient land called Harpies that fly around and terrorize people. And by "fly around" I mean there were
some really weak CGI attempts to make them look as if they were flying. No one was convinced. The only thing frightening about them is how
ridiculous they look. Some bad guy is mating with one of them and is going to use a race of the stupid things to do something. Seriously, I
have no clue. I don't care and neither should you. A dead homeless man's version of Army of Darkness ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Oh brother. Do you know what Stan Lee, Stephen Baldwin, and I all have in common? We've all ceased to care. How else do you explain
Stan Lee allowing his name to be attached to this turd dog? I'm sure when he was approached about it the only question he had
was, "When will the check clear?"
That's likely the only question with which Stevie B. was concerned. If he gave a half a crap about his career there's no way he'd accept
a role in a movie of such disastrous proportions. Seriously, folks, this is a "nail in the coffin" movie; it's just that bad. Stephen, I
love ya man, but you need to focus your prayer life a little more pointedly on having wisdom when it comes to choosing roles.
But sadly, I just don't think I care anymore. Why should I? This makes three Stephen Baldwin Sci-Fi Originals in a row that I've sat
through, and they have gotten progressively worse. Why am I doing this? What's in it for me? Is there not more to life?
The most memorable aspect of the film is the ridiculously fake looking Harpies. I promise you that I could take any one of you ladies
down to Wal-Mart and we could configure a better, more convincing Harpy costume. All they did was tease their hair, put dark makeup
around their eyes, give them some fake-looking Halloween vampire teeth, and voila - Harpies. Stupid. Should've called them Sharpies
because I bet that's what they used to create the dark circles under their eyes, oh! Thank you, thank you.
And I just love how we can tell this is a "period piece" because the people say stuff like, "Who art thee?" and "From where doth thy
come?" Man this is one ridiculous movie. Who is getting paid to write these screenplays? My goodness. Hey Sci-Fi Channel, I challenge
you to hire me to write the script for one of your Originals and I GUARANTEE you it'll be the best material you've seen in years. I
GUARANTEE entertaining dialogue and one-liners. If you want cheese then I'll show you how it's done right. Are you gonna man up and accept
the Johnny Betts Challenge?
Good job of prostituting your name, Stan Lee. You whore. And Stephen, I hope you've got a good cellular plan because you've sure made
it a habit of phoning it in these days.
What else is there to say? Do not attempt to sit through this tripe. I don't care how determined you are to watch every single Stephen
Baldwin movie ever made. Break the cycle NOW! It's not getting better. This easily contains the worst support acting of Stephen's other
Sci-Fi jaunts. Not that you can even call it "acting." I'd describe it more as "awkwardly attempting to emotionlessly recite lines
with the hopes of not messing up." Where did they hire these "actors"? The local Canadian high school? The only thing they're
supporting is the demise of everybody's careers.
Oh, despite the film's failed attempts at tongue-in-cheek humor, there is one one-liner that I'd be remiss not to mention. Stephen
runs into a cave full of Harpy eggs. He takes the torch he's carrying (not figuratively, believe me) and tosses it at the eggs while
yelling, "Anyone for some hot wings?"
That's the movie's highlight. Take that for what it's worth. Let me give you a tip - it ain't worth time or money.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- If you think I'm gonna waste time coming up with Odds & Ends for this then I would kindly ask you to step away from the
pipe.
- Stephen Baldwin was in The Young Riders with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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There really isn't any offensive material, but this film is an assault on your intelligence, and you should protect yourself
and your children from that.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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Feel free to watch for the commercial on the Sci-Fi Channel. You won't be impressed. If you are then remind me to never ask
for your movie suggestions.
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THE GIST
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Even the director hated the movie, stating on his website, "I actually got sick to my stomach while watching it. If I'm lucky
I'll never see it again." I think it's impossible to find a reason to watch it.
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