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Movie Review - In the Dead of Space (2000)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
Eli Necakov |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré, Lisa Bingley, and Tony Curtis Blondell |
| Rated: |
R (for some sexuality, nudity and violence) |
| Length: |
80 minutes |
| Genre: |
Sci-Fi/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
Fear can take your breath away |
| Studio: |
Sci-Fi Originals |
| Website: |
None that I could find. |
| Release: |
January 18, 2000 |
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PLOT
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Against better judgment, I have watched this wretched waste of celluloid three times, and I'm still not completely clear on the
plot. If it can technically be called a plot. The gist is four people go into space, including a superstar golfer, and one of
them (Paré) goes crazy. Michael Paré laughing maniacally and a whole bunch of boring stuff that you won't care about ensue.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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As I mentioned in the plot synopsis above, I have seen this three times. I probably shouldn't admit that, but you're here to
learn from my mistakes, right? Well, the first lesson you need to learn is if you're going to review a movie then don't make
the mistake of LOSING YOUR NOTES! The second valuable lesson I shall now impart is that sometimes, even if you lose your notes,
it's just best to let things go.
But hey, I refused to let things go. I was determined to review In the Dead of Space, a film that very likely ranks in my
Top 5 Worst Movies list, so we're going to proceed. After my third viewing, I was reminded that though there are some
outrageously bad laugh-out-loud moments, the majority of the runtime is fast-forward worthy. So what I'm going to do for you
is give you a rundown on the lowdown regarding the highpoints of the lowpoints. Got that? Good. This will prove invaluable
if you're ever so bold as to give this one an undeserved watch. Let's roll...
- You've gotta love the vanishing Russian accents. They disappear faster than Paris Hilton's temporary prison release.
For a moment I thought some of the characters might have been Americans posing as Russians, but I quickly realized they
were just bad actors who couldn't keep character for 80 minutes.
- One standout scene, and I use that description in about as loose a sense as possible, starts off with Blondell commenting, "Lot
of white bread up here, huh? Time for some TOAST!" Paré, who is sporting a haircut from the "9th Grade Nerd" collection and
who wants nothing more than his lab commander, gives him a look. Blondell looks back, throws his head upward in that totally
gangsta tough guy way, and says, "Huh?" Poetry in motion.
- One of the most memorable scenes earns its distinction due to some of the worst editing ever to be allowed on film. A
"Russian" woman, whose accent is nonexistent the next time we see her, is rubbing a soldier's shoulders, and as she spouts some
inane dialogue, the scene is cut in the middle of what she's saying and goes straight to the next scene. Bad or ingenious
editing? I'd like to think the editor got bored, couldn't handle it any more, and just snipped the reel. But we both know it's
pure incompetence. Unfortunately, the TV version tries to mask this by quickly going to commercial, but I wouldn't dare suggest
you pay the money to rent this just so you can personally witness it.
- Another unintentionally hilarious scene displays Blondell doing some of the worst Tae Bo dancing this side of an all-Caucasian
Christmas party. How do you direct that? My guess is you just say, "Stand there and dance like a douchebag" and let nature take
its course. An angry Paré turns off the beatbox and strains, "It's outrageous we have to listen to your JUNGLE MUSIC!"
Blondell, not one to take such guff, emotionlessly responds, "Back off! This homeboy bites back!" Alas, despite their awkward
lunging at each other, they're pulled back before trouble escalates.
- But never fear! Perhaps my favorite scene involves what is simply one of the worst fight scenes ever committed to film.
The main bad actress is attempting to mourn her dead husband (or boyfriend, whatever), and Blondell is standing behind her,
staring at her butt. He places his hand on her shoulder.
Paré walks in and monotones, "Couldn't wait to force yourself on her, could you?" There's an awkward silence of about five
seconds and then off screen we hear "SLEAZE BAG!" totally dubbed in. Blondell and Paré embrace with Paré throwing a couple
of soft knees that wouldn't even budge a 5-year-old. Blondell then grabs him in a headlock and barely moves his arm. I guess
we're supposed to believe he's punching him in the head? Not even close. Chicky is able to step in and break up the fight.
- The best (and yes, by "best" I mean "worst") exchange of dialogue features Paré and bad actress chick talking about
lab rats. Paré says, "I was never allowed pets. My mother was a very religious woman. We argued often." The way he said
it gave the indication that because his mother was religious she wouldn't let him have pets. I have no idea why they made
that connection.
Anyway, he's describing some stupid theory of his mom's when chicky replies, "Your mother sounds like a wise woman." Paré
deadpans, "Actually, she was quite insane." There was no intention for this to be a punchline, but you can't help but laugh
out loud at the ridiculous way he says it. Unfortunately, the conversation ends at this point because, after all, his
nanolasers won't recalibrate themselves.
- Be on the lookout for some scenes being used more than once. I particularly like the one where Paré is walking down
a corridor, smiling, and rubbing his belly. Don't ask me.
- More top-notch fight choreography is on display when Paré is banging Blondell's head on a table. And by "banging
Blondell's head on a table" I mean Blondell's head never comes within 8 inches of the table. They make ZERO effort
to conceal the fact that he's blocking with his hand. But somehow he still gets knocked out and Paré is able to
diagnose that his brain is hemorrhaging. From what? The gusts of wind created from barely moving his head up and
down?
- Once Paré goes insane, he spends the rest of the movie delivering some of the most over-the-top acting you'll
see outside of Julianne Moore's Freedomland audition tape. One of
the best examples is when he lifts a knife, complete with fake WHOOSH sound, looks at it, smiles, laughs maniacally and
says, "Play time my precious."
- I have to reiterate how bad of an actress Lisa Bingley is. Watching her is absolutely painful. She literally struggles
to spit out her lines. You can see her running them through her head, as if she's trying to make sure she's reciting them
correctly. Oh the irony when she tells Paré, "Try to think before you act."
- The only thing that might possibly be worse than her acting is her "karate" skills. In case you need proof, there's
a scene where she does a slow motion roundhouse kick that maybe reaches Paré's knee. The kick appears below camera,
in a desperate attempt to cover up just how bad it is.
- And, of course, the movie wouldn't be complete without watching Paré lose his last bit of sanity. He looks into the
camera, does his best to look like he's about to cry, and says, "What have I done? Oh. Ohhhh. Mommy." It's absolutely
hilarious. Unless you're a fan or family member of Michael Paré. In that case, it's one of the saddest things you'll
ever see.
There you have it. I hope you have been able to enjoy the stench of this film vicariously through my words. As always,
if I save just one of you a few precious moments of your life then it's been worth it.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- Also known as Space Fury.
- Also known as Piece of Crap.
- There's a reason Eli Necakov hasn't directed anything since this.
- It's pretty much the same reason Lisa Bingley hasn't acted since.
- Tony Curtis Blondell was in Left Behind with Brad Johnson who was in Crossfire Trail with Christian Kane
who was in Into the West with Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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The Sci Fi Original version is safe for the whole family, well, except for the brain cells that will likely be lost during
the viewing. But the DVD version contains some nudity. I don't remember if there was any bad language. I do know there
was plenty of bad dialogue though that you might find even more offensive.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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I actually looked for a trailer because I knew you readers would get a kick out of it. Unfortunately, my search was
... WAIT A MINUTE! I JUST FOUND A TRAILER! It was under it's original name - Space Fury. I must warn you -
the trailer pretty much gives everything away so you might want to think twice before ... BWAHAHAHA, yeah right.
CLICK HERE to
watch it. You'll have to sit through a short advertisement, and then sit back and enjoy the ride. Prepare
to be amazed that this wasn't made in the 80s.
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THE GIST
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The only possible way to watch this film is with your remote and my review handy. You know what to be on the lookout
for. Everything else should get the ol' fast forward treatment.
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