|
Movie Review - Komodo vs. Cobra (2005)
|
|
|
|
|
(What this rating means)
|
|
| |
|
| Director: |
Jim Wynorski |
| Starring: |
Michael Paré, Michelle Borth, and who cares |
| Rated: |
PG-13 (for creature violence) |
| Length: |
94 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
The Ultimate Battle. |
| Studio: |
Lionsgate |
| Website: |
None that I can find. |
| Release: |
August 19, 2005 |
|
PLOT
|
On a top secret island, far far away, there exists a mysterious research facility. Nobody is quite sure what
kind of sordid experiments are being done, but rest assured, the government and military are up to no good!
But never fear - a group of whiny, meddlin' environmentalists is here! They hire stone-faced (and stone-acting)
Michael Paré to sail them on over to the island so they can figure out what up.
Once they arrive, they discover that scientists have been experimenting with lizard and cobra DNA! *gasp* They
were hoping to inject this DNA into soldiers to, obviously, make super soldiers who would be immune to biological
warfare! *gasp* Unfortunately, things go very wrong, the cobras and komodos grow very large, the military wants
to destroy the island (thus eliminating all evidence), and those left on the island must find a way to survive.
A movie that's every bit as bad as you'd expect it to be ensues.
|
|
JOHNNY'S TAKE
|
What do you get when you combine the directing non-talent of Jim Wynorski (Sorority House Massacre 2,
Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, The Bare Wench Project series), the "has the check cleared yet?"
acting indifferences of Michael Paré, and badly-rendered CGI versions of huge snakes and lizards?
Pretty much the same thing as when you combine three Taco Bell taco supremes, two meximelts, one chalupa, one
gordita, one beef and bean burrito, and a large Dr. Pepper. The aftermath is identical, figuratively speaking,
and it ain't pretty. At least the Taco Bell is enjoyable to digest.
Komodo Vs. Cobra (would've been cooler had they spelled it "Kobra") is one of those movies whose highlights
(read lowlights) are better illustrated through the beauty of bullet points. Paragraphs don't really do this
rubbish justice, you know? Makes it seem too formal.
- One of my favorite scenes is when the environmentalist whackos walk into a house on the island. They just
barge right in and start rummaging. A woman inside the house shows up, gun levied towards the intruders,
and accuses them of being unwanted guests. One of the intruders sarcastically remarks, "I'm sorry; we didn't
see any 'No Trespassing' signs!"
So that's how it works these days? It's all right to march onto private property or into someone's house if
there aren't any "No Trespassing" signs? That's good news for house burglars, I suppose.
- During one particularly boring "action" scene, Paré fires about 100 shots (from a .38) at the cobra without
being bothered by the inconvenience of reloading. The real payoff is when the cobra lowers itself from an upright
position to on the ground, but Paré keeps his arms straight out, firing away at thin air. That's right folks; they
couldn't even bother to have him move his arms as if he were following the cobra. Way to take pride in your
"craft"!
- One dude is about to get attacked by the cobra, but instead of running away like any normal person (and he did
have plenty of time to run), he just throws his arms up and screams while the cobra swallows him whole. Good. A
character that stupid deserves to die.
- We at least learn the valuable scientific lesson that injecting plants with animal DNA can cause corn stalks
to grow to over two stories high. Bye bye world hunger!
- The exciting climactic battle between the Komodo and the cobra turns out to be anything but exciting or
climactic. It's basically two bad CGI creatures just kind of darting at each other. Give me the right
software and five minutes and I'll come up with something better.
And that's about it. There's also a lame romance thrown in and something to do with giant leeches, but I've
erased those details from my memory, and you honestly need not worry about them.
If you love bad movies starring Michael Paré (pardon the redundancy) then there's enough here to provide a few
good laughs, but I wouldn't recommend watching this without the convenience of the ol' fast forward button.
Remember kids, when it comes to Sci-Fi Originals, FFW is your best friend.
|
|
ODDS & ENDS
|
- Michelle Borth was in Silent Warnings with Stephen Baldwin who was in The Young Riders with Josh
Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
|
|
MAMA'S APPROVAL
|
This one's fairly harmless, especially if you catch the made-for-TV version.
|
|
TRAILER COMPARISON
|
I think there's a trailer online, but I'm not gonna waste two minutes watching it. Trust me - there's no way
they could find two minutes of footage from this movie that would fool you into thinking it's good.
|
|
THE GIST
|
Dangle your thumb precariously over the fast forward button and make your way to the "highlights" that I mention
in the review. If you do that then you'll find just enough "so bad it's entertaining" material to curb your
appetite.
|
|
