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Movie Review - Leeches! (2003)
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(What this rating means)
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| Director: |
David DeCoteau |
| Starring: |
Who cares? |
| Rated: |
R (for some violence and drug content) |
| Length: |
85 minutes |
| Genre: |
Horror/Bad Movie |
| Tagline: |
None, but here's one I made up to go with the leeches theme: "A movie that really sucks!" |
| Studio: |
Rapid Heart |
| Website: |
Yeah, keep looking. |
| Release: |
August 19, 2003 |
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PLOT
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Some bad actors on a college swimming team are taking steroids to enhance their performances. Apparently in the
bad movie world, steroids come in pill form and can start showing results within a few days. Riiiiiiight. Anyway,
when these bad actors go for a swim in a nearby lake, they come out of said lake with leeches attached to them.
The leeches ingest the swimmers' steroid-plagued blood and as a result become huge rubber puppet leeches. Uh-huh.
A complete waste of my time and yours ensues.
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JOHNNY'S TAKE
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Congratulations, Leeches!, you are the gayest movie I have ever had the displeasure of fast-forwarding
through. And I don't mean "guy writing his own wedding vows and talking about puppies, rainbows, and sunsets gay."
No, no, no. I mean full-blown (no jokes, please) "Richard Simmons gay."
Approximately 92% of the movie consists of guys walking in slow motion into a locker room shower, stripping down to
their shiny blue Speedos, and standing there while the camera slowly and perversely pans up and down their bodies.
After about the seventh such sequence I stopped (my alliteration rules) and wondered aloud, "WHAT IN THE FREAKIN'
WORLD????"
I knew something was amiss, so I looked up this turd on the Internet and discovered that the director is indeed
gay and tends to make horror movies that consist of nothing other than shirtless bad actors walking around in slow
motion.
You know what? I just don't need to see some guy lying on his stomach in his boxer-briefs with one leg nastily
hiked up and then watch a rubber leech slowly crawl up his body and rest on his butt, making you inevitably
think, "Oh please tell me it's not going to!" Thankfully, the leech works its way up to the guy's face and
burrows into his mouth, but boy oh boy was I scared there for a sec.
There's really nothing whatsoever to recommend about the film. It can't even be enjoyed in a "so bad it's
entertaining" kind of way. Sure, the acting and dialogue are laughably bad, but it's a laughter that can only be
sustained for about five minutes and then you just get annoyed.
Kind of like I did with the "actor" *ahem* who "portrayed" Stevo (whose name I refuse to look up). The guy
kept talking in the third-person, using the snazzy little catchphrase, "Trust Stevo." This led to an awesome
payoff at the end (please note the sarcasm) when he's called on to help destroy the leech puppets and his
fellow bad actors tell him, "We trust Stevo."
Oh yeah? Well, you may trust Stevo, but I can't stand him.
There was only one decently cheesy line in the whole movie. The swimming coach announces that because one of the
dead swimmers was found to have steroids in his blood the school is going to be testing all of the swimmers for
drugs. One of the idiots yells out, "Isn't that unconstitutional?"
The coach replies, "As far as this team is concerned this is not a democracy, and I am the President of the United
States of your a**!"
Trust me, it's actually funnier if you read it than if you hear the coach say it, so there's no need to even watch
the film for this one line. And yeah, genius swimmer dude, it's real unconstitutional for a school to do drug
testing. Whatever.
I almost turned the movie off during a scene where a girl ties her boyfriend up to a bed (he's wearing boxer briefs,
of course, and writhing around enough to nearly make me throw up). She blindfolds him and leaves the room for a
minute. After she leaves, a couple of the leech puppets start to crawl up his body and start sucking his blood.
The guy thinks it's his girlfriend and he's enjoying it. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever seen
and am NOT enjoying it. My thumb dangled precipitously over the "STOP" button on my remote control and was ready
to delete this sucker (no pun intended), but I felt some sort of sick obligation to finish the movie.
And boy am I not glad I did.
I think my favorite (and I use that term LOOSELY) part of the movie is when the smart guy in the movie (we
know he's smart because he's wearing glasses, yet he still goes shirtless) offers this explanation for the
giant leeches: "It's my educated guess that they're the result of your little steroid program."
Yeah, that's the educated guess. I'm sure there's a scientific precedent that steroids can cause leeches to
automatically become three feet long, thus making that an "educated" guess. Here's a scientific fact for you -
Leeches! sucks.
"Hey Johnny, I think you made a mistake. Shouldn't that be 'leeches suck'?"
Nope, I'm talking about the movie, not the freshwater worm.
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ODDS & ENDS
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- I wasted too much time on this already. I refuse to find any Odds & Ends.
- Josh Henderson was in Yours, Mine and Ours with
Danielle Panabaker who was in Sky High with Kurt Russell who was in
Poseidon with Josh Lucas who was in Coastlines with
Josh Brolin who was in Hollow Man with Kevin Bacon.
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MAMA'S APPROVAL
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Well, there really isn't any profanity on the Sci-Fi channel version of the movie, but mama probably wouldn't
approve of you wasting your time on something like this that has ZERO entertainment merit.
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TRAILER COMPARISON
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If there's a trailer out there then you're welcome to find it. I'm not wasting my time looking for it. However,
there's simply no way they can find even two minutes of footage to make this look anywhere near entertaining.
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THE GIST
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Leeches! is bad, all right, but not so bad that you'll be entertained. Just so bad that you'll be angry if
you sit through it. If you have better things to do than watch a bunch of guys walk around in shiny banana
hammocks then take my advice and avoid at all costs.
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